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   *                             "NEW TO LOVE"                              *
   *                               (part 13)                                *
   *                             by Vince Water                       11/03 *
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   | Copyright 2002-2006 by Vince Water                      Corrected 3/06 |
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      I'm trying not to get lost in our kisses. So wonderful! Need to keep a
   look out for his mom... After forcing myself to pull away, I look towards
   the dining room to make sure that we're alone. Jesse Sends me his assurance
   that she's in the kitchen preparing lunch. My breaths are trembling. When he
   wets his lips, I'm drawn into another kiss. A timid one. It reminds me of
   the first kiss I'd stolen from him on this very couch. I look past my lover
   to see if we're being watched. His kiss comes to my left cheek. I'm smiling,
   turning my head so that we can kiss some more.

      Jesse becomes bolder by leaning further into my arms. I deepen our
   embrace, lifting him from the couch with my right hand under his butt. We
   kiss more frantically. Our tongues take turns in each other's mouths. I pull
   away to look around again. We're alone. A trembling breath blows out of my
   nose. My lover reveals such longing on his face for me. Is he really mine? I
   am nearly brought to tears by the beauty of him. This young Indian. I'm so
   happy to have won his heart that it bursts with love and the joy that we are
   going to be together as we've hoped. It's really happened!

      :Yes, love. We are going to be living together in my mom's house. You're
   a good son to her. Thanks. I didn't know what my father had done.:

      I Feel grief from Jesse that a moment before had been of utter joy. His
   thoughts are being kept from me but I can guess why he's hurting over this
   thing. Not so much that his father took money from the house but that he'll
   probably not visit Jesse, call him or even send a birthday card in the
   mail. In that man's shoes, I'd be ashamed for doing what he did to his wife
   and son. I'm feeling really sad. And angry. But what can be done about it
   that won't bring more woe?

      "Jesse?" He's paused from our kissing and wears a sulken expression on
   his face. "I'm discovering that a lot of things just happen in our lives
   that we can't control. Some of them bad and not even our fault. It is a
   cause for sadness but we need to dwell on the good happy moments least they
   pass us by."

      "Like this moment," Jesse whispers.

      "Yeah." I wet my lips. Jesse closes his eyes and leans forward, bumping
   noses with me. I'm tilting my face while he tilts his in the same direction.
   We bump them again. I chuckle. "Maybe you should keep your eyes open." My
   lover grins. His hands grasp both sides of my face and with careful aiming,
   he manages to press his lips over mine. I see him closing his eyes. I've
   noticed how he always does that when we're kissing.

      His hands rub over my back. My right hand is enjoying the feel of his
   butt through his pants. I'm wanting to bring Jesse all the way into my lap
   but I know that his mom wouldn't like seeing that if she happens into the
   room. Making love to her son behind closed doors is one thing. We're going
   at it in her front room where it could be seen. My cock strains inside my
   pants. I'm tempted to continue this in the bedroom with our clothes off but
   that can wait until tonight. He's gonna get my butt then. I'm not worrying
   about the pain 'cause Chris is experienced with getting his taken. I'll
   draw on his memories when it happens to me for the first time. I want my
   lover to enjoy performing as a man. Doing each other will make us a true
   gay couple.

      Hmm. Ron didn't let his lover fuck him yet Running Water and him were a
   couple for a number of years so it's not right for me to think that certain
   sex acts define being gay. I know that it's the love in your heart that
   matters. I really like joining myself to Jesse in this most intimate gay
   act and hope he'll like it too. We're Joined in other ways that's special.
   By Sharing our feelings and thoughts, I've gotten to know who Jesse really
   is in a short time. How long have I known him? I'm startled when the
   figuring comes up to barely two weeks. I thought it'd been much longer than
   that. I've proposed to him on Monday. It's my intent to live with my lover
   and his mom here in Havre. Man! How am I going to tell my parents? They
   know of the trouble I'm in and expect me to return to Indiana when it's
   over with but I'm not gonna. This is my home now. I release a sigh between
   our kisses.

      "You're thinking too much again," Jesse scolds.

      I release a sharp breath through my nose. "You're right. I'm doin' that a
   lot. I've left behind my old life an' I'm happy to be with you but there're
   still ties back there I'm gonna need to deal with."

      "You mean your parents."

      "Yeah. Ma was really worried about the legal trouble I'm in. It's gonna
   take a least a month to resolve so I have some time before fessin' up to her
   about the other stuff she and Pa don't know about. I know it's gonna be a
   long and difficult phone call with them to explain things. Me being gay,
   staying with you from now on and being apart of the Blackfoot." The corners
   of Jesse's mouth are drawing down. "I'm not going to leave you. Ever! I
   just hope that they'll understand."

      "Maybe you should go see your parents and tell them."

      I'm shaking my head. That would mean leaving Jesse behind for a week or
   more. No way! An' I just can't face my parents to tell them I'm gay and all.
   Better to just cop out and tell them over the phone.

      "I can go with you, Mike. If they see me, maybe they'll understand and
   won't feel so badly that you're going to be living so far away from them.
   I'm lucky that I'll still be with my family."

      I'm nodding with understanding. "With us white folk, it's easier to be
   parted from our parents than I think it is with those of your culture. I'd
   never think of takin' you away from your tribe. Especially now that you're
   gonna be followin' your grandpa's footsteps as shaman. Your Ma would've gone
   to pieces if I stole you away. Living here with you settled that right off."

      Jesse gives me a shy grin that I wasn't expecting from him. This is
   serious talk. What does he find so humorous?

      "You're talking a little funny."

      Jesse has been reading my thoughts so I revert into this easier form of
   communication. :What do you mean?: He Sends that my accent changed when I
   spoke and how some of my words were older English. A chill runs down my
   spine. Christopher talks like that. I lay back over the couch with my head
   pressing against the backrest. Jesse takes my hand.

      :Mike. It's okay. You weren't speaking from him but yourself. There's
   going to be some of Chris coming through because you Merged with him. You
   are still you and I love you!:

      I'm not so sure. What's happened makes me real scared. How much have I
   been changed? It must be more than just talking like Chris. Winna comes
   into the room so I straighten up with a feigned grin on my face. I don't
   want to be worrying her.

      "Jes-ee-ah? I've prepared some sandwiches and coffee for your uncles
   outside. Can you bring this tray out to them?"

      "Sure, mom."

      I watch Jesse leap to his feet and take the tray from his mother. I'm
   getting the idea she wants me alone for a talk. Why does that hafta be
   right now? I've gotta sort through what's happenin'. Am I still me?

      Winna sits down on the couch where her son had been. I'm tensing up.

      "Mike. I'm not going to be yelling at you. Relax."

      "Sorry." My hands fold over my lap to keep them from darting about. Dread
   fills me. That's what Chris did whenever his Pa was giving him a lecture
   about something he'd done wrong.

      "So. How are you parents?"

      "Fine. My mom is worried about what's going on of course." Winna nods.
   I'm concentrating on the way I speak so my former self won't come through.

      "Will you be seeing them later, after this is over?"

      I'm swallowing hard. "I don't know what's going to happen in court or
   even when that's to begin. My lawyer is confident that I won't be going to
   jail. If you're thinking I'm going to return home after all this, I'm not."

      "Won't your parents worry that you'll be remaining here afterwards."

      "Like I was telling Jesse, us white folk expect that to happen when
   their kids get married." I'm cringing inside for having put it that way.
   Winna doesn't bat an eye though.

      "You can stay with us for as long as you want, Mike. I was worried about
   losing my son to you but... I'm glad that things are going to work out."

      "I wasn't gonna run off with him. He still needs you and I do too with
   all that's been going on." I'm rubbing my eyes from fatigue. It's difficult
   to be just me when Christopher's thoughts and feelings mix with my own.
   They're the same for the most part. I'm startled when Winna touches my
   shoulder.

      "I know a little of what's been happening. Jesse told me this morning
   after the police came for you. He said that all this trouble is the result
   of how you acted for the good of our tribe. You finding out who murdered
   Ron, returning that Power Bundle to grandfather and getting chased by those
   two corrupt policemen who want it back. You saved my son from getting shot!
   I'm very grateful to you. What I want to know is when all this is going to
   end? My house is being guarded by tribesmen because there's someone out
   there murdering people like that officer who was involved in all of this."

      "I don't know when it's going to end. Eli Kie is causing all that trouble
   because he was after the tribe's bundle. He's got it back now for what
   that's worth."

      "If he has it, won't the bad things stop happening?"

      I'm shaking my head. How much should I reveal to her? "He's a Trickster."
   Winna gasps. "Yeah. Like you've heard in Indian lore about such a one. He's
   not human anymore. Grandfather and the Elder say that he's a servant of Evil
   so he's gonna be causing more trouble while he's still on the loose. I wish
   that I could tell you more but I'm under oath."

      "Jesse's grandfather is coming over tonight. I hope that he'll explain
   how that bundle changed the both of you."

      "Me, too." Winna eyes flare for a moment, making me realize that I've
   confirmed her fears. She'd seen how we were acting as one mind after our
   Passing Ritual. That danger has passed. Now, we have to deal with our former
   selves. Jesse needs to keep his from overwhelming him and I'm trying to
   sort through what happened to me when I Merged with Chris.

      Winna looks past me when we hear the front door closing. Jesse comes
   into the room with One-white-horse. That man waves a quick greeting then
   heads for the bathroom.

      I see that Look from Jesse so I open my thoughts to him. There's a
   pulling sensation in my head. Now he knows what I've been talking about with
   his mom. She takes the serving tray from her son. They exchange glances.

      "Oh, Jes-ee-ah..." the woman breathes out in a worried voice.

      I'm unable to come up with anything reassuring to say to Winna. What I've
   already told her hasn't helped. Anger is Felt from my lover. Not at me.

      "None of this is Mike's fault," Jesse says in a firm voice. "I was with
   him doing what had to be done for our tribe. The council is behind him. I
   want grandfather to tell you everything tonight so that you'll understand."

      Winna's eyes come back to me after what her son said. I see the utter
   surprise in them.

      "You can Talk to Jes-ee-ah from your head?"

      I'm slowly nodding. "Even at a distance," I whisper back in Siksika.

      My lover suddenly turns towards the hall. One-white-horse is standing
   there and he has likely overheard some of what we've been saying.

      "I'll be heading home," the man says with a weary voice. "Charlie will
   join Dirt-brought-up-in-his-hand outside."

      "Thank you," Jesse whispers.

      :Who's Charlie? That doesn't sound like an Indian name.:

      :I don't know him.:

      We watch One-white-horse make his way to the front door. Winna reveals
   her anxiety for having her house under guard. My shoulders slump. I'm
   starting to feel trapped here, wondering when it will ever be safe for me
   to set foot outside the door.

      Winna is glaring at me. I'm feeling real bad all of a sudden, like this
   is all my fault.

      "Is lunch ready?" Jesse quickly asks.

      His mom nods, turning from us without saying a word and heads for the
   kitchen. Jesse casts his eyes down at my feet. I get up from the couch and
   go to him, my hand grasping his left arm in assurance. We walk into the
   dining room together. He goes to stand by his chair. I'd almost sat down in
   mine until remembering my manners.

      :Grandfather will explain things to my mom.:

      :I hope so. She's really worried about all this, and what little I tell
   her only seems to upset her more.: Jesse pulls his chair back from the
   table. It aches me to see the distress in his eyes.

      Winna enters the dining room with a plate of sandwiches. Jesse offers to
   help with getting the glasses but she shakes her head. We wait until her
   return from the kitchen. I catch my lover's eyes and Send him as much support
   as I can. He smiles a little. We sit down after his mom takes her seat.

      The three candles are lit. There's a moment of silent prayer. When Jesse
   and his mom are done, I clasp my hands together and pray out loud. "Lord. I
   offer my thank for Your many blessings. It is through the trials in our
   lives that test the goodness of our hearts and find them worthy of You. I've
   come to a good place in my life by having Jesse in it. He completes me. I
   ask for strength and the courage to face what is to come. Good friends and
   family have joined me on this path. I'm very grateful to you, Lord. Amen."

      Winna passes around the plate of sandwiches. I take a few wedges. Our
   eyes meet.

      "Mike? I am sorry..." Her voice breaks up.

      "It's alright, mother. I understand." Winna peers at her other son who
   smiles in assurance. The woman releases a tense breath. Then she smiles too.

      I'm biting off a corner of my sandwich wedge. My eyes fall to the glass
   of milk set beside my plate. That has me grinning. :You had your mom get me
   some milk for dinner last Friday.:

      :I knew you liked to drink that with your meals.:

      :Thanks. It was one of the few highlights in that difficult evening. You
   are often thinking about others and, that's why I love you so much!:

      :You think about others too, Mike, like offering to help my mom with the
   house payments, what she can do about getting her job back and teaching her
   MS-Word. Oh. Your laptop is broken! There's a hole in the side of it.:

      :I know. Danielson removed its hard drive. He also took that zerox of
   Ron's diary from my laptop bag when he was in the house. They were found on
   him at the hospital.: I nibble off a corner to my sandwich.

      :Can the police find out what you translated by looking at that drive?:

      I've spilled some milk down the front of my shirt. :Yeah, they can. I'm
   worried about that too. If they learn what Ron had been doing with you...:

      :That would really upset my mom!:

      :Danielson had already taken Ron's diary from me. Miss Thomas or him could
   have hired someone to translate the German entries to find out what Ron had
   written about. I'll ask my lawyer to try getting my hard drive and zerox
   back from the police. That officer is dead so maybe he didn't get the chance
   to hand over Ron's diary to Miss Thomas. I hope not.:

      :Does grandfather or the Elder know what Ron wrote about me?:

      :No. Only Hawk Flying Over and Running Water know what Ron was doing with
   you. They didn't actually read my translations.:

      "Will the two of you please stop Talking to each other and eat?"

      Jesse and I give her shy looks. Most of my food remains on my plate so I
   return to eating. All my sandwich wedges have their corners nibbled off.
   That's something Chris always did. Me too. It's comforting to know that we
   share some habits. Maybe we're not all that different from each other.

      Jesse peers at me. He's caught my smile and returns it but nothing more
   is exchanged between us during lunch by voice or in thought.


      Winna excuses herself from the table after we're done eating. Jesse
   and I task ourselves with clearing it. The dishes are washed. We haven't
   been Thinking to each other but I'm still able to Sense my lover's mood. It
   matches my own. I hope that grandfather's arrival tonight will set things
   straight with our mom.

      I fetch the glasses from the dining room. My lover rinses them in the
   sink while I'm standing behind admiring him. He has a lithe brown body.
   Extra long arms and legs but it doesn't make him look that awkward. His
   flowing black hair dances along his back. My eyes are led down to his butt.
   They're a fuller shape in his pants than what I'd seen of One-white-horse's.

      "Is that all there is to wash?" Jesse asks.

      "Yeah." He gives me a sly grin that proves he knows what I've been
   looking at. I bring my arms around my lover from behind. He covers my hands
   grasping his chest with his hands. In this way, Jesse confirms that he's
   mine. We are a couple. It's a wonderful sensation of completion. I have
   found that one man for me.

      :Yours in every way.: Jesse Sends. :And you are mine.:

      Jesse's behind presses against the front of me. My cock stiffens. I
   rub my nose through his flowing hair, breathing him in. Ahh. I'm getting
   very excited. He is too, humping his butt and his breaths come out as soft
   moans. I squeeze my lover in my arms. This moment! It is sweet.

      :I am really happy, Mike.:

      :Me too. I'm just wishin' that we could be free of all these troubles to
   just be together like normal people. Well, I mean still being gay but doin'
   regular things in life instead of what's been happening.:

      :I know. My mom has been going through a lot, too.:

      :She's mostly seen the bad things,: I Answer.

      :Give her some time. I know she likes you, Mike. Don't try so hard to
   win her approval because you already have that. Grandfather will tell her
   what's been going on. All of it. My mom deserves to know.:

      I'm Sensing my lover's concern about something. Oh. He doesn't know how
   grandfather will react when learning that his former self is trying to come
   out in him. Can he even help him? I hope so! Jesse needs to be assured of
   this. :He is a wise man. The shaman of our tribe who knew how to Pass that
   bundle's spirit into us. He'll help you in this too.:

      :You're right, Mike. I shouldn't be worried.:

      Jesse becomes tense in my arms. I turn my head to see Winna standing in
   the kitchen. How did my lover know? That woman didn't make a sound.

      "I have an extra pillow to put in your bedroom," the woman mutters.

      "Thank you." I've released Jesse from my arms. Winna lingers for a
   moment longer so I'm dreading that she's about to scold me again.

      "Mike. It has been difficult for me to accept your relationship with my
   son. I only wish that you had been a woman... or he was my daughter or
   something." Winna closes her eyes and shakes her head. "I don't know what
   I'm saying." She opens her eyes with tears coming into them. A deep breath.
   "I see the love in both of you. You're only expressing what's in your hearts
   for each other so I don't want to make you feel that it must be kept hidden
   as if in shame. Please. Don't mind me while you're in our house. I am happy
   for the both of you."

      Tears are filling my eyes that I allow to fall. Winna squeezes the pillow
   in her arms and heads for the bedrooms. Jesse rushes into my arms. His wet
   face presses against mine.

      :You sure cry a lot, Mike, but I understand. That was nice of my mom to
   say about us.:

      :Yeah. She's a great lady. Ah. You're crying too.:

      :Only because you've made me break up by your display in front of her.:

      :Sorry. I never used to be so emotional before. We've been through a lot.:
   Jesse slowly pulls from my arms. He's wiping the tears from my face with
   his fingers. I wipe his tears away with mine.

      :Remember what you told me about not letting the good happy moments pass
   us by?:

      "Yeah." I reach over to kiss my lover. He holds me real close as if never
   letting go.


      Winna is watching television in her comfort chair. I'm sitting with
   Jesse on the couch but not really watching the program. We're holding
   hands. No kissing in spite of what his mother told us earlier. She's not
   ready to see two guys doing that.

      We're often gazing at each other. I can't get enough of Jesse's dark
   eyes that peer back at me with such longing in them. He looks so young.
   Inside him, he's more mature than I often give him credit for. I'm having to
   restrain myself from reaching over to give my lover a kiss. We both know not
   to do that in front of his mom. At least not yet.

      I peer up at the clock. Grandfather will be over for dinner in a few
   hours. I'm anxious to see him and hope that he'll be able to help Jesse.
   Winna will finally be told what's going on. That's our hope, anyway. I'm
   fidgeting out of nervousness. My lover notices, his eyes revealing how
   anxious he's feeling too.

      "Mike. Let me show you around the house. We have a big backyard I'd like
   you to see."

      Jesse didn't Mind Speak out of consideration for his mom. I'm nodding.
   We get up from the couch with his mom turning to us from her chair.

      "Mike. I'm going into town tomorrow. Let me know what you need in the way
   of food and such and I'll get it."

      "Thanks. Ah. I'd like to go with you because I need to get some things
   done." I'm looking down at myself. "I'll buy some clothes, set up a bank
   account here in Havre and other stuff that'll come to mind."

      "It would be good for all of us to get out," adds Jesse.

      "I'll treat us out to lunch." Winna thinks a moment then nods her head.

      Jesse leads me down the hall. He makes a quick bathroom stop that
   reminds me of my own need then I'm shown throughout the house. I'd seen the
   main rooms already (front room, dining room, kitchen and a bedroom) but the
   laundry room is new to me. It's a long space filled with the two machines
   and some stuff being stored here: paint cans, a tool box, big sheets of
   plaster board and plywood, some old pipes, boxes of nails and bags of
   cement. That has me wondering if Jesse's father worked in construction.

      :He did,: Jesse Answers. :That's how mom got her job as a secretary with
   the company. Mr. Spenser was my dad's boss.:

      I'm nodding, hoping that Winna will try getting her job back even if it's
   only part time. I look around the room with a thought coming to me. A lot of
   this stuff could be put in the garage. I remember that old pickup truck
   inside there. If it's not running, Winna should get rid of it to make room
   and get this stuff out of here.

      :I think mom was, maybe hoping that he'd come back to live with us.:

      Oh. That explains why everything has been left the way it was. The
   construction materials kept in the laundry room, his pickup in the garage
   which has been nearly buried with stuff. I'm curious to know how long ago
   he left them. I don't want to ask Jesse. That would only remind him of his
   deep hurt when his dad abandoned them. I've been blocking these last
   thoughts from my lover.

      "Does that lead to the backyard?" I'm quickly asking. Obviously that's
   the back door to the house. It's not facing the driveway but westwards.

      "Let me get our shoes," whispers Jesse. "We'll go outside."

      I wait for him to return. He hasn't talked much to me about his dad but
   from what I've learned, I know that Jesse has a lot a pain to work past.
   His therapist at school tried to help him. Even his mom. They couldn't get
   him to talk about it but I have. I'll be there for my lover when he's ready
   to let it all out.

      I'm peeking through a window at the backyard. It's a large space, filled
   with a few trees and what appears to be a garden. The snow has since melted.
   Winna will soon be at her Spring planting that I wonder consists of only
   flowers or eatables as well. Ma kept an herb and vegetable garden. She was
   good at cookin' up whatever was growing in season: tomatoes, beans, squash,
   potatoes and the like along with corn that came from our fields. Pa would
   sometimes go hunting for deer and possum like his father before him but game
   has grown scarce. That's why he wanted to head for new parts in the West
   where 'civilization' hadn't encroached. He's a man that likes keeping to
   himself, only his family with him.

      I realize that came from Christopher. There are lots of memories of him
   in my head helping Pa out with farming. They planted corn and cotton, mostly.
   It was hard work. In this modern age, our lives have become so easy. We go
   to the supermarket to buy vegetables whether they are in season locally or
   not. Meat is wrapped in plastic. I'm glad not to be living in his time but
   part of me misses certain aspects of it. People seemed closer then. We'd sit
   on the porch for hours to talk with neighbors or enjoy festivals throughout
   the year that brought the whole town together. Life was more fulfilling back
   then. Not the lonely isolation many of us endure now by living in apartments
   and rarely knowing who's living next door.

      Ma made really good potato pancakes.

      I'm falling to the floor with my arms wrapped around my head. Anguish
   fills me. I didn't even get the chance to say goodbye to my parents! I
   didn't tell Ma that I loved her or tell Pa. It happened so suddenly, the
   capsizing of our raft. Then they were gone.

      I hear footsteps coming up from behind so I'm turning with my feet
   sticking out, eyes cast down so Jesse won't see me crying. He sets my shoes
   down. In numb pain, I put them on. Get to my feet. His hand comes to my
   shoulder along with soothing thoughts in my head.

      :Mike. That was Christopher's grief for his parents that you should not
   revisit. Your own parents are alive. Heed your former self's advice to see
   them and say what you need to say. But like his parents, yours already knows
   that you love them. The words don't need to be said. Explain why you are
   making this change in your life because you've found happiness here with me.
   I know they'll understand.:

      Jesse is right. I should go see my parents and tell them goodbye.

      I'm getting to my feet. Jesse opens the back door. A warm breeze blows
   into the room that takes me by surprise. I breathe in the wet smell of dirt
   and last year's leaves. We go into the backyard to welcome the coming of
   Spring.

      "I liked playing in the backyard," says Jesse. "It made me feel safe to
   see the trees standing there like sleeping guardians with the rest of their
   tribe encamped in the distance. That tree over there has good apples to eat
   in the Fall."

      I'm looking at the gnarled tree my lover points to. He walks up to it,
   placing his right hand over the trunk in a kind of Indian greeting. My eyes
   are drawn to a tall oak out yonder. A tire hangs down from one of its
   branches by a rope. That makes me smile. I had one in my backyard as a kid.

      "Mom used to garden out here," continues Jesse. In a sad voice, "The
   weeds have taken over since... my father left us and I've not been out here
   for a long time."

      I'm looking around this huge backyard. Between the neighbor's fences to
   our left and right, I'd guess it measures at least fifty feet wide. There
   are four old trees to this plot that stand in no particular order as if they
   sprouted from wind blown seeds not set down by man. In the far distance is
   a forest. No back fence to hold them back.

      Jesse walks along the right side of the backyard that meets the garage.
   He shows me a rose bush. His mother's pride, I'm told though from winter
   it's only a stark collection of thorn branches. No leaves or flowers yet.

      I see where Winna had set up her garden areas along the sides. She
   boundaries them with rocks. Grass grows in most of the backyard with little
   trespass into her garden. Dead plants and weeds are in there now.

      I'm looking up at the sun. Its warmth feels nice on my face. Spring has
   truly arrived to these parts that helps lift my heart. I turn to Jesse. He
   Feels this same awakening that comes after a harsh winter. His hands lift to
   gather up his loose hair to form a single length down his back. I see a
   peculiar gleam in his eyes. Before I can ask him about it, he's running to
   the tall oak tree. Beside him is a tire hanging down from it.

      "My dad used to push me."

      I've heard the sad edge in my lover's voice. "Let me give you a ride."
   Jesse peers into the tire and frowns. I notice the water myself. With my
   hands grasping both sides, I lift the tire and slowly tilt it. :Stand back,:
   I warn. Water is emptied out to the ground. It's left a wet spot where you'd
   sit so I turn the tire within the loop of rope a quarter of the way around.
   :Get in!:

      Jesse grins. He grasps the tire and lifts himself from the ground,
   directing his long legs through its middle. I notice how low he's sitting.
   I'm thinking that his dad had set the tire's height to accommodate a much
   younger son. It could have been years since my lover last took a ride.

      :Five or six years,: Jesse Answers.

      :Is that when your father left you?:

      :No. When he last pushed me.:

      I Sense my lover's sadness deepening. This should be a fun moment for us
   so I'm quick to grab hold of the tire and pull back on it. Jesse gasps. I
   release to send him off flying. He's turning slightly, swinging back towards
   me with his butt sticking out from the tire. That's too much a temptation
   for me to pass up. I push on him there. That sends Jesse flying away with
   his long hair trailing behind him. I'm laughing. He is too with utter glee.

      There's a crackling sound. I look up to see the rope tightening and pray
   that it won't snap! Jesse is swinging back towards me. My hands connect to
   his butt and push over it. He daringly raises both his arms like kids do on
   a roller coaster ride to prove bravery. I see his eagle feather. My lover
   has already proven that he is.

      I'm growing concerned about the rope. It's old and weathered from the
   passing years. God! Please let it hold.

      When Jesse swings back, I don't push him so hard. My left hand doesn't
   catch his butt right so he's twisting around a few times. I'm having to do
   some fancy footwork to recapture the tire and straighten out his swing. I
   push him carefully. Each time, my hands linger a moment over the seat of his
   pants. I'm sensing his excitement from me touching his butt in this mere
   kid's game. I'm getting excited too.

      :Love. You're discovering another way to enjoy this part of me!:

      :Yeah. It is nice.: I push Jesse a few more times noticing the tight
   bulge in the front of my pants. Tonight, I'll get to fully enjoy my lover's
   butt as a man.

      :Now it's my turn to swing you, Mike.:

      I'm laughing. :You mean to touch my butt!: I grab hold of Jesse's hips
   and slow his swing to a stop. We trade places. I've caught the sly look in
   my lover's eyes and can hardly wait until he fucks me tonight.

      :Hold on tight!: Jesse warns.

      Before I can warn him about the rope, my butt is pushed on hard. I'm sent
   flying. The wind rushes past me until my feet nearly point to the sky. :Not
   so hard, Jesse! I'm worried about the rope breaking.:

      :Scaredy cat!: He pushes even harder.

      :No, really. Don't you hear the rope frazzling above us?: On my swing
   back towards Jesse, his hands grope around my hips but fail to hold onto
   them. I swing forward a little ways. He manages to stop me on the return
   swing. His hands are all over my butt.

      :It is nice,: Jesse comments.

      A lusty sigh escapes my lips. :Tonight, you're gonna find out how much.:

      :Maybe I can't wait.:

      To my surprise, my lover lifts himself into the tire with his legs
   running over mine. I'm urged to lift myself. He scoots under me until my
   butt fits into his lap. His dick sticks me hard. There's a surging to his
   legs, his arms pull over mine above our heads where I'm holding onto the
   rope. He starts bucking into me from below. I feel his trembling breaths at
   my neck. A slamming of his chest against my back.

      :I want you right now, Mike!:

      We still have our clothes on. Jesse isn't meaning to fuck me in this
   here swing, is he? I Sense utter need in my lover. He's grinding himself
   against my butt that reminds me of our first embrace in my trailer. A wet
   one for him. He intends to do that again?

      Jesse doesn't Answer me. His breaths are sounding like moans while his
   body strains under me. I suppose that he does. I'm really excited for him
   so I start humping my butt. His dick rams into it. A steady rhythmic beat
   that plays my drum wonderfully.

      :Mike! I'm feeling real good. Kiss me, please?:

      I release my right hand from the rope so that I can turn my head. Jesse
   sticks his chin into my right shoulder, our lips can almost meet. There's
   such passion in his face for me. His eyes are closed. I struggle to lean
   closer until we kiss. Ahh!

      Several things happen at this moment. My left hand loses its grip of the
   rope. Jesse sticks into my butt hard, unbalancing us. We fall backwards.
   I'm Feeling an intense explosion in my head.

      We're left feeling dazed. I see our feet are caught in the tire above us.
   I'm laying over Jesse. We've fallen to the ground? :Are you alright?!:

      :Yes. But my back is all wet.:

      Relief fills me. I'm Sensing his male joy that I share in while we're
   freeing our feet. The tire swings over us like a pendulum. My lover giggles
   under me.

      "I'm wet in front too."

      "Uh huh." I struggle to sit up without crushing my lover under me yet I
   linger a moment over him with my legs folding over the ground. His dick is
   felt against my butt. I'm bucking against him to play act getting fucked.
   Lots of moaning.

      "Silly!"

      I get to my feet, turn, and offer Jesse a hand up. He has a wet spot in
   the front of his pants. When my lover stands next to me, I peer into his shy
   eyes. Is he regretting what he's done? His arms rush around me in a hug. I
   complete our embrace and we kiss. It's sweet. I'm pulling away to see if
   anyone was watching us. Relief fills me that no one did. Jesse catches my
   lips again with another kiss that becomes another, and another. And another.
   My left hand is pulling over his butt. I'm feeling the joy from rubbing my
   cock against his through our pants.

      :You're going to wet in your underwear too, Mike.:

      :Yeah!: The thrills are really building up, especially when Jesse lowers
   his hand to my butt and pulls over it. We kiss with lots of tonguing. I hear
   someone calling out my name.

      "Mike. There's someone on the phone for you."

      I'm lifting my left hand from Jesse's butt with much regret. Fear comes
   to me. That was Winna calling out. Jesse's arms loosen around me. I step
   back, try to catch my breath before answering his mom. "Okay... I'll be
   right there!"

      With dread, I look past my lover for Winna. She's gone. The back door has
   been left open. My eyes return to Jesse. He gives me a really shy look.
   "Sorry. I gotta go an' see who it is."

      "Tonight." Jesse's eyes flare.

      "Yeah." We both start laughing. I give Jesse a quick hug, noticing that
   the back of him is all wet. :Go change your clothes.:

      :I will. Mike?:

      I've released Jesse from my arms and have run halfway towards the house.
   He gestures with his hands in the old way. I return his gesture, 'We'll be
   together again soon.' Chris has seen this ritual farewell between warriors
   and their squaws when going off to battle.

      After taking off my shoes by the door, I race into the kitchen. Winna is
   chopping vegetables. She pauses when I'm bringing the phone up to my ear.
   "Hello?"

      "Is this Mike Yager?"

      "Yes it is."

      "I'm calling from the Havre Daily Newspaper. Do you have a moment to
   answer some questions about..."

      "Sorry, no. I've already spoken with a reporter about it."

      "That's why I'm calling. We're going to be printing your statements in
   tomorrow's edition and I wanted to confirm those parts you'd spoken in
   Siksika if I may."

      I release a harsh breath. My face is burning from what Jesse and I had
   nearly completed in our embrace. I'm really aching to get back to him.

      "Mr. Yager. Please let me know if this is the proper translation of your
   words. From Siksika you said, quote: 'I ask for us not to allow our hearts
   to hate those who are not our enemy. An evil man has done this terrible
   thing. Brothers. Don't be forced into acting badly. Keep peace in your
   hearts.' End quote. Is this what you were saying to the Blackfoot People?"

      I'm trying to remember what I said to that reporter. "It's mostly right,
   I think."

      "We'd like to have an accurate rendering, Mr. Yager."

      I'm beginning to hate him calling me that. "I am Short Hair to my tribe.
   Do you have a recording that I can listen to?" Winna is glaring at me. I
   know that I shouldn't be talking to this reporter.

      "Yes, I do. Hold on."

      There's a fast Mickey Mouse voice coming over the phone. Oh. That's from
   him rewinding a tape recorder while still on play mode. I hear a loud click.
   My voice is heard over the phone.

      "... officer's murder was done to pit the police against the Blackfoot
   People. I ask that they restrain themselves and not act like the U.S.
   soldiers who fell on them in blind anger and ignorance."

      My words then revert into Siksika. I'm surprised by how my voice sounds,
   the proper Indian accenting and exhale of breaths. It's perfect Siksika. I
   just hope that the People will take heed of my plea. The woman reporter's
   voice follows mine on the tape recorder.

      "What. What did you say?"

      My voice is heard answering her. "I urged for calm. Everyone, the police
   and the Blackfoot." A loud click comes over the phone.

      "Mike. What do you think of our translation?"

      "Not quite right. Can you play it back again and write down from me how
   it should be translated into English?"

      "Sure. Hold on."

      The tape recorder is rewound again. I listen to the Siksika words and
   speak them back to him in English: "I ask that we too don't allow our hearts
   to burn against those who are not our enemy. A servant of evil has done this
   bad thing." There's a pause. "Brothers. Do not be tricked into misdeeds.
   Hold peace in your hearts!"

      "Thank you very much. I want to tell you, Mike... ah. Short Hair, that
   what you said was the right thing to both sides. I've been reporting the
   news for quite a few years now and I fear a war is brewing in this town."

      "That's why I made that appeal!" My hand grasping the phone is trembling.

      "I understand. Ah. What did that hand gesture you made in the middle of
   speaking Siksika mean?"

      "It's a warding off gesture to evil."

      "Oh. Okay, thanks. Mike? You're from Indiana, is that right? How did you
   learn to speak Siksika?"

      My mouth turns dry. "The Blackfoot are my People now. I wanted to make my
   plea clear to them for peace."

      "You are a full member of their tribe?"

      "I was... and I am." I'm scolding myself for saying it like that. Jesse
   comes to my side. His arm comes around my waist.

      "Alright. Do you have anything further that you'd like to add about this
   matter? What happened between you and those two police officers. Why the
   Blackfoot surrendered their sacred bundle to them, their treatment of you in
   custody and who you think murdered Lieutenant Danielson?"

      "No. My lawyer has advised me not to say anything." I'm looking at Jesse.
   There's such worry in his eyes and I Feel his concern for the People. For
   everyone in this town. "Ah, Mister..."

      "Bradstone."

      "Please don't write an inflammatory article. Okay, Tom?" I hear a gasp
   from him.

      "I'm not. That's the last thing I want to happen in this town is a war.
   Again, thank you for talking with me. I wish you luck in your trial."

      "Thanks. Goodbye." I'm hanging up the phone. Jesse squeezes me. I turn
   to his mother who's been staring at us. She returns to chopping vegetables.
   I release a long sigh. There's a pulling sensation in my head. I know that
   comes from my lover who wants to know what I've been saying on the phone.

      :Mom is worried that you are talking to reporters. I'm going to tell her
   that you were only clarifying something you've already said to them.:

      :Okay.: I'm startled by the phone ringing. I pick it up. "Hello!!"

      "Is this you, Mike?"

      "Yeah." It sounds like my lawyer's voice.

      "I wanted to call to let you know that Mr. Augusten and his wife are in a
   motel. They're in..."

      "Don't tell me where you've put them up!"

      "Alright. Also, I wanted to tell you that the D.A. has refused to meet
   with me. Most likely because of Danielson's murder. I still need you to sign
   those affidavits and a complaint against that police officer who taunted you
   in your cell. Can you meet with me tomorrow, at my home?"

      "Sure. What time?"

      "Around two. Bring Jesse with you. I've talked with Elder Quiet-before-
   the-dawn to get his permission so that I can hear your friend's account of
   what happened."

      "Alright, I will. Oh. Can you try to get my laptop's hard drive and zerox
   of Ron's diary returned to me from the police? Danielson took it from the
   house. They shouldn't be keeping it." I'm also worrying that those porn
   images of boys I'd hidden could be discovered. Then I'd really be in trouble.

      "I'll talk to Captain Ruston about it. Those items were likely removed
   from the house illegally so you should get them back. We've done him a favor
   by not making a complaint against his detectives for questioning you without
   legal representation."

      "No one's gonna try that again. Right?"

      "I have Bill's personal assurance on that, Mike. None of his men are
   going to bother you anymore."

      "And Jesse too?"

      "Yes. It's not in their best interest at this time to bring in any
   members of the Blackfoot to the station for any reason. He doesn't want to
   enflame the situation further."

      "Okay, good. Jesse and I will see you tomorrow at two."

      "Take care of yourself."

      "I will. Thanks for calling." Mr. Talbert hangs up. I set the phone back
   down on its cradle. Jesse has been speaking to his mom. They both turn to
   me with that Indian Look on their faces.

      "Grandfather will be arriving soon. Mike? Why don't you take a shower."

      I'm nodding to her suggestion. My eyes flare at Jesse who turns away
   from me in response. That stung.

      :Go take your shower, love. I'm going to help my mom out here.:

      Disappointment fills me. I had hoped we could shower together.

      :My mom saw us outside when we embraced and, I think it's best that she
   doesn't see too much at once if you know what I mean.:

      :You're right. Jes-ee-ah?: I'm reluctant to tell him how excited he made
   me outside before his mother interrupted us. No chance of us getting back
   together until later tonight, I suppose.

      :I'm aching for you too! We'll have all of tonight to be together.:

      :I still want you to, you know, join with me like what you were trying to
   do outside.:

      :That wasn't mere trying, love. I did my best to fuck you while our
   clothes were still on.:

      :The real thing tonight?: Jesse tosses some scraps into the garbage can
   under the sink. He glances at me with shy eyes. I see his face burning with
   embarrassment. Winna is chopping some more. I'm glad that she can't Hear our
   exchange but my lover's face will reveal much to her.


      After rinsing off, I'm taking the razor to my face. It's one of those
   expensive metal ones that you have to load blades into. Was this used by
   Jesse's father? Probably. My lover's face is smooth like a boy's so it's
   obviously not his. A terrible thought strikes me. Could this be his mom's to
   shave her legs with?

      I step out of the shower and dry off. A sly grin comes to my lips. A
   lusty pat is given to my butt that I'll soon give to my lover to make a man
   out of him. Is it gonna hurt me a lot? Christopher's memories reveal how
   Mr. Telson used him badly. His pain came mostly from getting raped and
   having his insides filled from that man's lust. I remember how my butt
   almost got taken by Running Water. He stuck me in my bedroom. The pain!
   Chris reveals that when he's given himself to Owopspec, the discomfort of
   taking that Indian's cock up his butt was cast aside by the strong feelings
   of being loved by him. Completely! His brave used buffalo fat and fingering
   to loosen his hole before penetration. Later, when he became used to fucking,
   Owopspec only had to rim him with spit put inside before they did it.

      My face is burning. I'll reveal to my lover what Chris has shown me so
   that my butt can be prepared tonight for our first joining. I'm aching to
   give Jesse the pleasure of fucking me in spite of any pain. I'll win his
   seed in me that Chris thought was the best part of performing 'Indian love'
   with his brave.

      I'm getting dressed, ignoring the aching from my cock by thinking about
   what's gonna happen in bed tonight with my lover. It'll find relief then.

      I hear voices coming from the front room when closing the bathroom door
   behind me. Grandfather has arrived! I'm rushing to see him and nearly run
   Winna over. She hugs me, thinking that's what I had intended.

      "Dinner will be ready in half an hour, Mike."

      "Okay. And thanks for everything." We separate with the woman looking
   deep into my eyes.

      "I'd told everyone at the meeting that I consider you to be my son. Now,
   more than ever, that is so. You've brought him out of himself." A pause.
   "Mike? Be... gentle with my son."

      My face burns. In a low voice, "I hope he will be with me tonight." Winna
   blinks her eyes rapidly.

      "Yes, ah. Ah. I need to get back to my kitchen."

      The woman bolts past me. I'm really regretting having said that to her.
   That was stupid of me!

      After releasing a tense breath, I turn from the hall and enter the front
   room. Jesse is sitting on the couch with his grandfather. I'm keeping my
   thoughts from being announced to my lover so he won't know what's just
   happened between me and his mom. Man! I've gotta think first before I speak.

      "Short Hair. Come and join us," asks Shaman He-who-runs-up-mountains.

      I'm walking to the couch. Jesse gives me that Look so I open my thoughts
   to him.

      :Grandfather is going to perform a ritual for us before dinner.:

      I'm nodding my head in understanding. The old man struggles to his feet.
   Jesse was about to help him but thinks better of it, settling back down in
   the couch. A gesture is given from my lover to sit beside him. I do so, on
   his right side. Our hands clasp.

      Grandfather goes through a leather pouch laying over the coffee table. He
   pulls out some things: a rattle, clay bowl, a sprig of sage and a lighter.
   Chris has seen these ritual conducting items before but instead of the
   lighter, a fire would be burning in the tipi to set the sage aflame.

      The shaman places his sage into the clay bowl and lights it. The room
   fills with its strong scent. Many of Christopher's memories are invoked by
   that smell. I remember a healing rite the tribe's shaman had performed for
   him when he'd been with fever, the time his stomach hurt him bad and when
   Chris asked the shaman to seek a vision on his behalf to learn if White
   People would come and take him away from the Indians. He'd been assured that
   it wasn't foreseen. He'd die as one of the People. And he did.

      I'm taken from the past by the sound of a rattle shaking. Grandfather
   has set a rhythmic beat that is pleasant to listen to because of its
   predictability. So soothing, like staring at the dancing flames of a fire.
   I'm drawn to a center of my being. A place of utter peace.

      My eyes close for a moment. When I open them, there is silence. I offer
   grandfather both of my hands when he reaches out for them. They clasp. He
   Looks deep into my eyes that are an entrance into my very being. He Sees me.
   I'm not afraid that he can because he's a wise man whom I trust and love.
   This man's own heart has been revealed to me thusly.

     There's a familiar pulling sensation in my head. Not from Jes-ee-ah. I
   don't fight it but allow grandfather to. He speaks after a long moment.

      "You are the stronger for it," says grandfather.

      He means that Change in me. There's no denying the strength from Merging
   with my former self but I fear it. What that's meant to my relationship with
   his grandson whom I love so much! Jes-ee-ah seems to accept who I've become
   but I'm still finding that difficult.

      "Put your heart at ease, Short Hair. You are as One."

      I'm blinking my eyes from revelation. He called me Short Hair. I've been
   given that name by Jes-ee-ah to mean who I've become: his lover, a true
   human being in service of my tribe but it's much more than that. Grandfather
   just told me that I've become as One. I understand now. Mike is who I was
   before - that computer wiz who thought he knew everything but how empty was
   his heart. Chris was me before in a former life cut short by a servant of
   Evil. Grandfather is right. I am the stronger for encompassing all these
   parts of myself. Jesse already knew this, accepted me even before I could.
   Now, I'm ready to accept this of myself as well.

      "Thank you, grandfather." He smiles and releases my hands. I turn to my
   lover who gives me a knowing gaze. The wisdom in him. He is worthy to follow
   in this man's footsteps as shaman of our tribe.

      Grandfather takes hold of Jes-ee-ah's hands. He Looks deep inside the
   youth for a long moment then gasps out loud. His arms are shaking. To see
   this disturbs me and I worry for my lover!

      "Such anger! That blinds an Inspired One from all else, the good he was
   when stumbling from the path of Light when he learned who killed his lover.
   Shaman Good-eyes cannot be allowed to be brought forth. Do you hear this?
   You will not take over this life! Remain where you are so that this youth
   may draw on your wisdom to carry on with the sacred task you Geased one of
   our Father's unborn spirits unto. Do not possess him!"

      Jesse pulls his hands back and folds them in his lap. I reach over to
   cover his trembling hands with one of mine. They grow still. Something deep
   in me Goes to my lover that sustains him. Grandfather Sees this.

      "I have glimpsed the working of your spell, grandson, but it is fragile
   in keeping your former self within. Beyond my ability to help you strengthen
   into a proper shield. Short Hair's love for you is the reason why you've
   been able to do this. That same love in him as Krist-o-fer appeases the
   Inspired One to remain where he is for now. The Trickster's evil taint is
   working in both of you yet. It must be cleansed! Only then will the danger
   of possession turn to smoke lost in the wind."

      "Can you do this for us, grandfather?"

      My heart fills with hope that Jesse's plea will be answered.

      "No, grandson. I am not skilled to do this thing. Yet I have heard of a
   man who can. It is said that he holds other lives within him and that our
   Father has special favor with him. I will seek him out."

      "Who is he?" Jesse asks. "Is he a great shaman or someone... like me?"

      "Many years have passed since I heard of this man. He is a shaman. Not of
   our People but his feet walk along the same path of Light. If he's still
   alive, I will find him. Only he knows how to help you, grandson."

      Jesse and I settle back into the couch. Grandfather returns his rattle
   to the leather bag, removing a clay lid that he covers the smoldering bowl
   with. I Sense my lover's thoughts racing. Too quick to follow but I know
   they are of that shaman who might help him. I lift my face upwards in prayer.
   'Please, Lord! Let that old man still be alive and willing to come help us.
   I don't want to lose my lover to he who dwells inside him. Jesse deserves
   to remain who he is. The young man that I love!'

      Grandfather gives me a knowing look. He continues speaking in Siksika.

      "Short Hair. With our Father's help, I will find this shaman. He's a
   legend amongst the Omaha who possesses many abilities to serve the Light."

      I'm nodding my head. Jesse peers at me, a distant look coming into his
   eyes that sends a chill down my spine. He's Taken somewhere. A place that I
   cannot follow. I'm remembering to breathe with air loudly filling my lungs.

      My hand is squeezed. Relief fills me that Jes-ee-ah is back. It's painful
   when something happens to our Connection.

      "What did you See?" asks grandfather.

      Jesse blinks his eyes a few times. There's a strange look on his face
   and he speaks in whispered words that's hard to catch.

      "A hand opening with a silver ring on the finger next to his thumb. A
   butterfly emerged. It wasn't really a butterfly but a winged ball of Light.
   What does it mean, grandfather?"

      "It takes much training to interpret what our Father reveals."

      "You're a shaman," Jesse pleads.

      "Yes. But it's your vision, grandson. I will begin your training soon so
   that you may lead the People after me."

      "I am ready."

      Awe fills me by their exchange. It reminds me of what Running Water told
   me of this man's vision about Jes-ee-ah: 'When the Flower Moon comes, a boy
   of his choosing will blossom into manhood. This new one will be filled from
   the Old. He will walk forward with one foot firmly on our Mother while his
   other foot rises on a moon beam. His left hand pledged. His right hand to
   serve the People.' I squeeze my lover's hand. He acknowledges that what
   grandfather Saw is true.

      "Grandson. I think your vision is about that man I'll seek for. He has
   been reborn and goes by a new name."

      Jesse's eyes grow wide. "A young man of the Omaha who's emerged from his
   cocoon as that glowing butterfly from the caterpillar he was."

      Grandfather nods. Something catches his attention. We all look towards
   the dining room.

      "Dinner is ready," announces Winna in a soft voice.

      Grandfather lifts himself from the coffee table. I hear his old bones
   cracking in both legs. A trace of pain crosses his face before it's masked
   with a grin. How old is this man? From Seeing back in time in our Passing
   Rite, I know he's the son of shaman Good-eyes' son named Meek-buffalo who
   had hidden his father's body in the mountains some ninety years ago. That
   means grandfather is a little older than that if he was born before Good-
   eyes' death or in his eighties if born afterwards. An unusual long life for
   a Native American. How has grandfather fend off death until the boy of his
   choosing is ready to be trained as shaman after him? Running Water told me
   it would take Jesse a lifetime before he learned everything he needs to
   know. I don't think this old man will see that many more moons.

      :Don't feel sad for our grandfather, Mike. He's lived a very long life.
   Think of the changes to our world his eyes were a witness to. In his boyhood
   years, our People were being forced to leave the buffalo plains. They were
   put into a Reservation when he was a young man. Too old to attend white
   man's school, he learned shamanism from his father like his father before
   him, my former self. I'll learn what I can from grandfather in the time
   remaining to us.:

      :Running Water said that would take you a lifetime.:

      :Yes. That is so. Our People's sacred ways and rituals will be passed to
   me by grandfather before he goes Above. What takes a lifetime is for me to
   fully bring into my heart what I've been taught and finding my place in
   harmony with the All. Do you know what I mean?:

      :I think so.: Fear comes to me by what that will mean for our relationship
   when Jesse undergoes training as shaman by his grandfather. The time we'll
   likely be apart and afterwards, when he assumes that role in the tribe.

      :Mike. My left hand is pledged to you while my right hand serves the
   People. This was foretold in grandfather's vision. You will always have a
   place in my life!:

      :I'm sorry for doubting that.: Grandfather is asking me something.

      "... have Running Water join us for dinner."

      "Yes, grandfather." Jesse follows him to the dining room where his
   mother awaits. I'm walking to the door with an aching in my heart to see my
   brother. Where are my shoes? Oh. I'm racing to the laundry room and fetch
   them. They're hurriedly pulled on by the front door. I step out into the
   twilight that comes before night. Still so warm outside, reminding me that
   I don't know what's happened to my jacket. Was it left at Mr. Talbert's
   house, in his car or at the police station? My heart skips a beat when I
   spot a red pickup truck parked at the curb. I'm walking to it. Running Water
   sees me and gets out.

      "Is everything alright?"

      I quickly raise my hand in assurance. We meet on the sidewalk. I'm needing
   to hug my brother but I don't want anyone to see that. Where are the others
   who supposed to be guarding Winna's house? Charlie comes to mind. He relieved
   One-white-horse earlier and I'm curious to see if he's a white guy or Indian.

      "They've gone home," answers Running Water.

      I glare at him. He's read my thoughts?

      "I'm waiting for Hawk Flying Over."

      "Oh." Running Water turns from me to kick a stone into the street. I've
   caught a glimpse of something on his face he couldn't hide from me. I take a
   quick look around. Then I'm giving my brother a hug that traps his right arm
   between our chests. It feels so good to be holding him.

      "Okay, Mike..."

      He's tapping my right arm in a gesture to let him go. I'm feeling very
   strongly for my brother. I've really missed him! It's a love that's similar
   to how I feel for Jes-ee-ah, more than from my heart. His body tenses up in
   my arms for not letting him go. What's wrong?

      Running Water slowly pulls out of my embrace. He turns to me with a shy
   expression on his face. I'm revealing how I feel for him on mine. His eyes
   drop. A sharp aching fills my heart because he can't accept that nothing has
   changed between us. I still love him!

      "Your eyes hurt me, Mike."

      I'm closing them. From Chris, I know how some Indians found it difficult
   to see the intense emotions on his face that a man usually guards against.
   He found it hard to control them. I am too but there's no shame to reveal
   what I'm feeling for this man. Why does he need to hide the love that he has
   for me? Unless... it's no longer there in his heart.

      "Here's your wallet, keys and watch that I've kept for you."

      "Thanks." I shove them down into my pocket. An awkward silence follows.
   "Grandfather asked me to invite you inside for dinner."

      Running Water nods. "I'll wait until Hawk Flying Over arrives."

      By that, does he mean I should go back inside the house? I stand at his
   side in silent defiance. Another thing Chris has learned from the Indians
   comes to mind. I'm swallowing past a hard lump in my throat. I don't look
   at Running Water since he's avoiding my eyes, a similar thing Owopspec has
   done to Chris when in council or before a group of warriors so he won't be
   shamed. I find my voice. "I'm sorry for making that display. How we feel
   for each other is not for others to see."

      Running Water doesn't answer me. I dare to catch his eyes but there's
   nothing in them for me to read. Such a stoic Indian face. That gets me
   angry because I deserve more from him!

      :Love. You really need to learn patience," Jesse Sends.

      My nose pains me when I try keeping tears from filling my eyes. :Why can't
   he acknowledge what we've felt for each other? He's acting like that INDIAN
   I'd seen when we first met. Silently proud, emotionless and the rest of it
   that outsiders see and therefore thinks about them but I'm no longer an
   outsider. I know who he is. Him and me... loved!:

      :Did you ever consider that he's hurting bad inside?: Asks Jesse.

      I'm hurting inside from feeling his rejection! A surge of emotions run
   through me: bitterness, fear, hope, anger then compassion. Such conflict in
   me. It's difficult to handle. I take a deep breath to calm myself.

      Words come out of my mouth not from me. "You deserve to have a man of
   your own, Running Water. Put aside your mourning for Ron. We have comforted
   each other during a difficult time in our lives. I'll always cherish that."

      "Mike..."

      I'm startled by a brown jeep pulling up behind Running Water's pickup.
   It must be Hawk Flying Over. He can't see me crying so I'm running back to
   the house. My shoes are quickly removed inside the door. I tip toe along
   the long hallway that passes the bathroom and ends at the kitchen. To my
   relief, Winna isn't in here. They must be sitting down to dinner. I'm not
   feeling hungry so I head for the bedroom. My head is numb.

      I lay over Jesse's bed with my face buried in the pillows. I'm acting
   really stupid and know it. I just can't help myself. A part of me understands
   what's going on so I should accept it. I can't though. Everything that I've
   been though, all the trials, anguish and pain runs through my head. It's too
   much! I need some time to sort through things or I'll go insane. Not now
   though. I'm hurting real bad and have caused this in others.

      You were patient with me, Wind-go-through-his-hair. I'd taken Owopspec
   from you but you didn't act jealous or get angry with me. You waited until
   my heart could accept that we could all love each other. That's the Indian
   way. Running Water stands in that place I was as Chris. Well, sort of. He's
   keeping himself from me so that I can be with Jesse. That will allow him to
   keep his heart open for a man of his own who can love him completely. My
   brother deserves that. Those words I'd spoken to him outside had come from
   Christopher. He understood Indians much more than I do.

      Why can't Running Water accept that we're still going to be together? A
   struggles ensues inside my head. Part of me wants this but part accepts that
   things change. No! I don't want to lose him!

      My head feels strange all of a sudden. It's like I've fallen from a great
   height and wait for that sudden stop. The ground doesn't come up yet. I wait
   in dread anticipation. Waiting...


      I lift my head from the pillows. Darkness surrounds me though I'm able to
   make out the faint glow from a night light along the wall. I must have dozed
   off for a bit.

      I'm turning onto my back. That's when I remember seeing Running Water
   outside and how he hurt me! Chris seems to understand how he acted. I don't.
   That Indian could have at least explained to me what's going on instead of
   keeping silent, hiding his eyes and rejecting my hug! Tears sting my eyes.

      There's a soft knock at the door. Dread fills me. Is that Winna asking me
   to come to dinner? I don't want to see anyone right now.

      The door opens. It's Jesse. He closes it behind him and comes to sit in
   bed beside me. I'm not able to make out his face.

      "Are you ready to eat something?"

      "No." I'm startled by how sharply I said that. Jesse finds my left hand
   and grasps it.

      "Mike. You've really upset Running Water. He was so quiet when he came in
   for dinner and left right afterwards to join Hawk Flying Over outside."

      Anger fills me. "He really hurt me! Acting like nothing happened between
   us and all. Why does he have to be so... Indian!"

      "He's feeling bad inside."

      "I Heard you telling me that already! He didn't explain why and you're
   not telling me. How am I supposed to understand what's going on?" Jesse
   breathes in sharply. I'm unable to see his face in the dark or sense his
   thoughts. That may be me blocking them, out of anger.

      "Grandfather realized what must have happened outside. He kept me from
   going to you so that you could work it out on your own. It looks like you
   haven't though."

      I squeeze Jesse's hand really hard. "What haven't I worked out?!" He
   pulls his hand away. I've Felt his pain, both from his pinched fingers and
   in his heart by what I've said. Guilt fills me. Yet I'm unable to bring
   myself to say that I'm sorry. An uneasy silence comes between us.

      "Mike..." A trembling breath. "Running Water hasn't stopped loving you.
   He just can't show it."

      "Why?" Jesse remains silent. I'm racing to try and figure out the reason
   but it doesn't come to me. Chris made me say something to Running Water.
   Something about him deserving to find a man of his own and that we were
   comforting each other in a difficult time in our lives. Does that mean it's
   over between us? Anger fills my voice. "From the start, I didn't want to be
   with your uncle but you pushed me to be with him. Even your grandfather. Now,
   it's like everyone is against it. Why the sudden change! Has Running Water
   found someone else to be with?" I could accept that reason.

      "No, Mike."

      I'm pounding the bed between us out of frustration. "Just tell me what
   the hell is going on!"

      "Grandfather has called for an emergency meeting tomorrow evening. All
   the chiefs and Elders will be there to explain things to the tribe. It's
   going to be a big event. A war must be prevented. What you said to that
   TV reporter was good, Mike. At that meeting, the People will be urged to
   remain calm. You are going to be introduced to them as a full member of the
   Blackfoot. Some might not accept that. You've not undergone an initiation
   expected of an outsider. Even worse, there are those who already suspect
   that you and I are a couple. Grandfather says that could cause trouble
   because I'm going to be named shaman after him. The People may not approve
   of me leading them if I'm gay. We have to be on our very best behavior and
   in time, they may come to accept this about us. That's why grandfather asked
   Running Water to stop being with you."

      Truth. What my lover has revealed puts me to shame. I'm wiping my wet
   face with my arm. He's right. Running Water knows that I'm going to be with
   Jesse so he's letting go of me in his heart for both our sakes and for the
   good of our tribe. I've been acting very selfish and stupid.

      "I'm really sorry, Mike. I know that I've told you to be with my uncle
   because there was no denying how the two of you felt for each other. Not
   out of guilt for me being with Ron! I didn't know if we were going to be
   allowed to be together. I'm glad that mom is finally accepting this about
   us. Running Water was asked to stop seeing you. I didn't know this until
   grandfather told me a little while ago. My uncle is hurting bad. You were
   going to be told but you ran away and hid in the bedroom. Grandfather asked
   me to let you be, that you'd work it out for yourself. I didn't think you
   would. Now you know. I'm sorry!"

      I reach out for Jesse and hug him. "No. I'm the one who's sorry! I've
   acted badly, haven't I? Running Water should have told me outside but I
   suppose he couldn't, not with Hawk Flying Over expected to arrive at any
   moment." I'm realizing something else. Running Water might not accept what
   grandfather asked of him. How can he be expected to stop feeling love in
   his heart for me? No. He's been asked to stop expressing that for me.
   That's the difference. I'm not going to stop feeling love in my heart for
   him but we won't be allowed to be together anymore.

      "Mike? You know why this is going to be harder for my uncle."

      I squeeze Jesse in my arms. "Yes. He doesn't have anyone. I have you."

      "Grandfather knows we've been Geased by that bundle's spirit. We're to
   bring the truth of what we are to the People. We have to show that two guys
   who love each other is a good thing, no different from how a man feels for a
   woman. It's not their approval that we're seeking but that they can accept
   this. And not just for us, Mike. There must be others in the tribe who are
   hiding that they're gay. If we can, through our good example win acceptance
   of the People, those others like us will have the chance to find fulfillment
   in their lives too."

      I'm feeling ashamed. I wasn't thinking ahead like Jesse has.

      "Mike? There's something else I've noticed about you that I want you to
   realize. Don't get mad."

      "Okay."

      "You're very possessive," Jesse whispers. He takes a deep breath. "Love
   is freely given and not something you can own like a thing. You have this
   from my uncle so don't hold it so tightly in your hands. Grandfather asked
   him to hide away his feelings so others won't see it. You didn't outside.
   That reminded him of his pain both for himself and you. A great burden on
   his shoulders without your support in this thing."

      "You're right. I shouldn't be thinking of only myself." My thoughts turn
   to my brother who must go on without me. That seems so unfair. I've finally
   come to understand that it's okay to feel love for more than one person. Both
   from what Christopher discovered when he loved Wind-go-through-his-hair and
   Owopspec and when I came to love Running Water and Jesse. The People would
   find this too hard to accept. That's what being gay is usually thought of -
   a bunch of guys fucking around with each other. No commitment to one mate.

      "Mike. You have come far already to understand what it means to be one of
   my People. There is much more to our lives than what your eyes merely see.
   You have opened your heart, Seen with inner eyes and believed. I know that
   this was done out of your love for me but you've also accepted taking on the
   responsibilities of our tribe. Try taking just a few more steps. I'll be
   there for you should you stumble."

      That's what I promised him when he was afraid to come out of himself. We
   both have a lot to learn. Strength comes from us doing that together.

      Jesse takes me away from my thoughts by his kisses. I drink of his love.
   We hold each other in the dark without thought of anything or anyone else.


      I'm sitting at the table with Jesse. Two candles are lit with their tiny
   dancing flames that often draws my eyes. Standing beside them are three unlit
   candles. Grandfather and Winna are in the front room talking. Running Water
   is outside watching the house with Hawk Flying Over. I take a bite of food,
   drink from my glass of milk and wipe my mouth with a napkin. My lover sits
   at his customary place at the table, too far for us to hold hands but his
   twinkling eyes are on me. I smile back. We've not been talking or Thinking
   to each other while I'm eating but there's no need to. Our emotions Pass
   between us. It's kind of like an embrace where we share the warmth of our
   bodies, little kisses to show love, a soothing squeeze and all the other
   wonderful sensations that are felt from that joining. We're never alone.

      I nibble on some corn bread. It's very moist and I'm enjoying the corn
   bursts that reminds me of how Ma often served this with our meals. Such a
   long time ago. Chris drank milk too but it wasn't cold from refrigeration.
   I notice that my glass is empty. Jesse gets up from his chair and takes it
   from me to get some more from the kitchen. He's so responsive to my needs.

      After I'm finished eating, we wander into the front room. Winna sees us.
   She's getting up from the couch with a dazed look in her eyes. Jesse meets
   her near the couch with his hand grasping her arm in assurance.

      "I'm alright," Winna whispers.

      We watch the woman go into the dining room. She looks really upset.
   Grandfather casts his eyes at me and gestures that I sit with him. Jesse
   goes to sit over the coffee table. There's still a lingering odor of sage in
   this room that reminds me about rituals. They've always comforted me, ah. I
   mean Chris.

      My eyes close for a moment in remembrance. Another shaman had sat with me
   to explain the ways of his People so that I could better fit myself into
   their lives. He was called Comes-the-rain. An Indian of age like grandfather
   and very wise. I liked talking with him about things that troubled my heart.

      A visitor comes late in the night. I'm layin' over a sick mat in the
   lodge because my stomach has been hurtin' me bad. My shaman hand gestures
   with this strange young man. I'm peeking at them through mere eye slits,
   feigning sleep.

      A dark cloud obscures what happened next. There's a voice inside my head.

      'I've told you that your shaman would not understand. His is a good heart
   but our path diverges from his in service to the People. I will tell you a
   thing to prove this is so. Comes-the-rain has denied your lover's desire to
   perform a marriage rite for both of you. He fears losing respect of the
   People if he were to even though your warrior's father is chief who carried
   his son's request to perform the rite by your shaman. He refused to.'

      "How can you know this?" My anger is actually directed at my shaman. He
   doesn't want to bind Owopspec an' me as a couple?

      'I have Looked into Comes-the-rain earlier. You were watching our words
   that were not for your eyes to have seen. I needed to know who you are.'

      "You didn't come here 'cause of me."

      'No. This other matter was only just revealed to me by our Father. It
   concerns your warrior. I... will tell you but afterwards, your memories of
   me and what we've done must be blocked in your head to prevent Evil from
   learning about it. You are scared about this. Don't be, Krist-o-fer. Have I
   not revealed only truth to you and ask first before taking?'

      I'm startled into opening my eyes. That was a memory from my former self.
   Not a complete one though.

      "Has you heart at ease?" asks grandfather.

      I note the clothes this old man is wearing. Blue overalls and a crumpled
   white shirt. No feathers in his long hair. I've returned to the Now as Mike.

      Jesse Looks at me in a way that reminds me of what we talked about in
   our bedroom. Grandfather wants to know if the anger in my heart has cooled.
   "Yes, some."

      "Mike. I forget you not born of the People so that bring wrong thoughts
   in head, a hurt in you heart. My heart hurt also of this thing I asked."

      Grandfather used my Christian name. He's right. I'm not Indian so there's
   bound to be misunderstandings because of our differing cultures. I recall
   Owopspec calling me 'Kris' when disagreements broke out between us to remind
   me of those differences. I'm realizing something. I'd never been given a
   Blackfoot name. Everyone called me 'Krist-o-fer' even after my initiation as
   a brave. In this life, I have been given a proper Indian name: Short Hair.
   I'm reverting into Siksika to speak as one of his People.

      "Please forgive how I've acted, Inspired One. My heart is quick to anger
   when I should consider others beyond myself." Grandfather releases a sigh.
   His arm comes around me.

      "Love can be like the swollen river overflowing its banks after the storm.
   Quick to find the easiest path."

      I'm nodding my head in agreement. "In its fury, many things are drowned."
   Jes-ee-ah's eyes become bright. I'm Feeling his approval for my good words.

      "Words are easily spoken, Short Hair. How will you act to prove them so?"

      How sharp this man's barb is to my heart. He's right, though. The mind
   can be clever but reigning in the heart a much more difficult thing. Indians
   have learned to this do from birth. I'm gonna have to try from now on. He's
   waiting for me to answer. "I shall not give my heart an easy voice from me."

      "Good, Short Hair. Learn to temper your emotion as if it's a wild horse
   you're breaking in. That wildness is never gone from your mount but subject
   to your ever vigilant control."

      I'm noticing how grandfather speaks in parables. Shaman Comes-the-Rain
   did the same thing so that I could more easily see the situation by stepping
   back from myself where I'm blind sided. Ah. With Chris, that is. It's getting
   harder to separate him from me. What he experienced with the Indians and how
   he thinks. We are the same person now. Grandfather continues speaking.

      "Who you were as Mike was in denial of his true self. You've become a
   human being through my grandson's love and made sensitive to the Light by
   that bundle's spirit. This is a difficult time for you, Short Hair. I Sense
   your struggle with self. When you can accept that Krist-o-fer is part of
   you, then will you find harmony."

      "He knows some good things," I'm half muttering to myself. Christopher
   had spoken to Running Water outside the house to reveal his understanding
   to that man. I was being selfish. From anger and pain, I acted badly to my
   brother and even to Jesse. I yelled at my lover!

      :I've forgiven you, love!: Jesse Sends. :Let me guide you through the
   ways of our People since, like Chris, you will be living with us from now on.
   Your former self can help you too. Try to listen to the wisdom he's gained
   by living with the Blackfoot.:

      :Okay. I will.: Grandfather is smiling. He's able to Hear our exchange?
   I'm directing my thoughts at him. 'Running Water is in such pain! Cannot I
   comfort my brother since I do love him.' The man frowns. Anger comes to me.
   'No one should tell us what we're supposed to do!'

      "A chief does not lead men by imposing his will over them. He suggests
   what is good for their tribe."

      I revert to speaking out loud. "Running Water accepts that he must deny
   our love?" Anger was heard in my voice.

      "For the sake of his tribe," answers grandfather, "but mostly for you."

      I'm sucking a breath through my clenched teeth.

      "You are given too easily to your emotions, Short Hair. Think first, then
   act properly. When you have learned control as a man must..."

      Hope fills me! Grandfather nods in reply to the unspoken thing between us.
   "I understand." I'm turning to Jesse. :Help me to act as a man.:

      :I have been, love but that begins with yourself. From all your Selves.
   Christopher is not trying to take you over. He is who you are now."

      Fear squeezes my heart. :You're not giving into your former self!:

      :No. It is wrong for Shaman Good-eyes to try coming out in me. I don't
   understand why he acts to do so. It's more than out of anger when he learned
   that Eli Kie murdered his lover. I won't risk Asking him because that could
   cause our Merging. Grandfather will seek out that Omaha Shaman to help me.:

      "Short Hair. There's going to be a big meeting tomorrow night."

      I'm nodding my head. Jesse has already told me of it.

      "I want you to come at six to the Meeting Lodge in Browning. All the
   chiefs of our People will be there to speak with you."

      I'm feeling tense. "What's gonna happen?"

      "You will find out. Your former self went through something similar."

      I delve through Christopher's memories of important rites he endured.
   Many were painful to prove that his body was frail. He learned that
   strength comes from deep within. That spirit we both share.

      I'm reminded of what Shaman Comes-the-rain failed to do for Christopher
   and Owopspec. That same mistake cannot be repeated. The People must see
   that two men who love each other can bind themselves too. In a formal voice,
   I address grandfather. "Shaman He-who-climbs-up-mountains. I ask that you
   perform the rite of marriage for Jes-ee-ah and myself."

      The old man nods. "You are the keeper of rings I've given you."

      "Yes." I'm looking down at the small bundle hanging from my neck. I peer
   at Jesse sitting over the coffee table, reaching my left hand out to grasp
   his. "I have proposed to him, grandfather."

      "I have accepted this man to love with all of my heart," Jesse answers.

      "Very well," the shaman answers. "When the Flower Moon comes, I shall
   perform that joyous rite of binding."

      I'm holding back tears. My face had been plain of emotion to show that
   I can control what others see. Jesse squeezes my hand. His surge of love
   for me breaks my resolve. Tears of joy fall. Grandfather looks at us with
   an understanding grin.

      "It makes me very happy to see the love two people have for each other."
   The old man lifts his hands. "I ask for our Father to bless your union. I
   ask that He open the eyes of His children so that they will understand."

      Jesse comes to sit in my lap. I hold him close in my arms while burying
   my face into his neck. :Please let them understand! I love you. There's no
   shame in this.:

      :We will open the People's eyes to this truth, love.:

      I Feel such a resolve from Jesse, like he really has the power to do so.
   Someone is coming into the house. It's Hawk Flying Over.

      "Greetings to you, grandfather. Hello Jes-ee-ah... Mike."

      I'm peeking around my lover to see that man. There's nothing on his face
   to show what he thinks about Jesse sitting in my lap. I've told him about
   us already but him seeing it is another thing.

      "Is Running Water still outside?" Jesse asks.

      I've Felt something from my lover when asking his uncle that. Winna comes
   into the living room.

      "You missed dinner but there's plenty of leftovers for you to take home."

      "Thank you, aunt." Hawk Flying Over nods at his nephew in answer to his
   earlier question.

      I've avoided looking at Winna. Her eyes are felt on my back while I'm
   holding her son close to me. It's both exciting and a bit embarrassing that
   everyone in the room knows we're a couple. They are seeing this with their
   own eyes. Nothing is said about it.

      Grandfather struggles up from the couch. Jesse takes him in hand to the
   dining room with Hawk Flying Over following behind Winna. I slip away to the
   front hall. My shoes are put on and I'm flying out the door.

      It's grown cool outside and very dark. I'm wrapping my arms around
   myself when in search of Running Water. I stumble down the sidewalk. There
   are no street lights along the street to guide me. When reaching the curb,
   I carefully step ahead to where my brother's pickup should be parked. A
   door creaks open.

      I'm getting in and shut the door, turning to Running Water but I can't
   see his face in the dark. He remains silent. What should I say to him?

      "Grandfather has spoken with you?"

      "Yes." My stomach tightens. "I didn't know what he'd asked of you earlier
   so please forgive my bad display."

      "I understand, Mike."

      Does he? I wet my lips to explain, "My head is a bit messed up." I'm
   startled when the man takes my hand into his own. "Grandfather asked that I
   guard against my emotions from showing for you..." Running Water laughs out
   loud. Now I'm really startled.

      "Mike. I am sorry about what happened earlier."

      My heart lifts to hear this from him. I'm squeezing my brother's hand.
   "Me, too. Nothing has changed in my heart for you. I want to know if
   anything has changed in your heart for me? I hope not..." I'm rushing for
   more words to say to get it all out of me before I burst into tears.

      "Hold up there, Mike. Nothing has changed for how I'm feeling for you."
   A pause. "We need to be careful about expressing that for each other. Okay?
   There's a big meeting tomorrow."

      "I know. I'm going to be formally introduced to the Blackfoot as a member
   of them. Again." That last word had come out of me. Running Water remains
   silent so I'll explain that. "My former self was. Ah, as Christopher."

      "Yes. Grandfather has told me."

      "I'm needing to recover from that. Kinda like what you saw happening to
   Jesse and me after our Passing Rite from the tribe's Power Bundle when we
   were acting as One."

      "Mike. You are going through a lot, aren't you?"

      "Yeah. If not for Jesse being there for me..." My mouth shuts.

      "I've let you down when you needed me."

      "No! We were both in pain earlier but... How are you now?" He reveals a
   light heart and we are holding hands, talking with ease like nothing has
   changed between us. I'm wondering what happened between then and now.

      Running Water releases a loud breath. "I've been talking with my cousin."

      I'm trying to recall how much Hawk Flying Over knows about us. He'd
   thought Running Water was my lover until I revealed that it was actually
   Jesse. He sure didn't like that, thinking him too young for me and all.

      "We can go over to his place anytime we want."

      "Oh." The man's hand tightens around mine. "Alright. I'd like that." Now
   I'm confused because of what grandfather told us about not getting together.

      "He's concerned about you revealing too much, Mike. Your face, that is.
   And how you act up sometimes. I understand what you're going through. The
   rest of the tribe doesn't. You're going to have to endure what Ron and I
   went through. To hide yourselves from them as we did."

      "No."

      "What? Mike. You need to listen to grandfather in this..."

      "He knows something you don't. Listen to me, brother. That spirit in the
   Power Bundle was Geased by Shaman Good-eyes to reveal a truth to the People
   that those like us are not bad. Jes-ee-ah and I are going to prove this is
   so by just being ourselves. There's something in the both of us that will
   burn away the wrong thoughts of those whom we meet."

      "I'm not sure what you mean."

      "You will, my brother." :Jes-ee-ah? You knew this!:

      :Yes, love. It's good that you've realized this Power in us at last.
   Give your brother a kiss then get back in here.:

      "Running Water. I should go. But first, can you give me a hug?" Before I
   finished asking him that, the man's arms were coming around me. We embrace.
   It feels good, a healing to my heart that was breaking earlier. I'm Feeling
   our own connection. One of emotion that assures me that we're going to
   remain together. Part of me is sad though. Am I being selfish to hold this
   man's heart when he could be keeping it open for another?

      :Love. My uncle is old enough to know what he's doing. He'd been with Ron
   for six years and learned a lot more about being gay than the two of us
   combined. Please don't say anything more. Okay? You've both come to an
   understanding so I don't want your mouth to trip you up. Come back inside.:

      I loosen my arms around Running Water. I've decided against giving him a
   kiss as my lover asked. Not out of defiance. It's just, well... Now the
   moment for it has passed.

      "Good night, Mike."

      I'm opening the truck door and slip out without answering him. My throat
   is too choked up. If there were light enough to see Running Water's face,
   I'm sure it would be showing everything that he's feeling. No need to see.
   I can Feel him inside me. Our love. I'm lingering a moment on the sidewalk
   before turning to go back into the house.


      Hawk Flying Over is getting his shoes on. I'm taking mine off next to him
   in the hall when our eyes meet.

      "Have the two of you come to an understanding?"

      I'm nodding. My face burns so I have to look away. That's when I notice
   the grocery bag at the man's side. Probably filled with containers of
   Winna's cookin'. The Indian reverts into Siksika when he speaks to me again.

      "Short Hair. Let me welcome you into our tribe. You're not... who I
   thought you were and, well. You're welcome to come to my house anytime. Not
   just when Running Water takes you over there."

      We're shaking hands. I peer into this man's eyes with a chill running
   down my spine. I'm not sure what to make of that. He releases my hand, grabs
   the grocery bag and goes out the door. My eyes fall low over him. Nice butt
   on him. Shames comes to me. Don't I already have my hands full with Jesse
   and Running Water?

      I enter the front room. Winna is sitting in her comfort chair with the TV
   on. Jesse is sitting with grandfather over the couch. I'm not sure where to
   go sit down. The coffee table?

      Jesse lifts his arms above his head and yawns. I'm catching his intent
   by the intense emotions coming through our Connection.

      "Good night, grandfather. Mom. We're off to bed."

      "Okay. See you in the morning," Winna answers softly.

      I'm yawning. I don't think that's fooling anyone though. Jesse walks to
   the dining room with me close behind. By the time we reach the kitchen,
   we're holding hands. In front of our bedroom, my lover turns to me for a
   kiss. Our frantic hands are rubbing all over each other's back with my left
   hand going low for his butt. He's pulling over mine. There's a blood rush
   into my cock that I'm pressing over his. It feels good.

      :We're going to wet in our underwear!:

      He's right. With much reluctance, I force myself to pull away. We're both
   breathing hard. My eyes go to the bedroom door with a sly grin coming to my
   lips. Finally! We're going to be alone together.

      "Mike. I'd like to ask you something."

      "Yeah, sure."

      "When we go inside our bedroom, let's close the door on everything that's
   a burden to our shoulders. All the troubles, our responsibilities to the
   People and you with all your worries. Okay? We can return to all that in the
   morning. The couch has been a good place to talk about them. Let's just
   enjoy being with each other in the sanctuary of our bedroom."

      I stand up tall. "I promise." Jesse nods in acceptance of my oath. When
   opening the door, I startle my lover by lifting him in my arms with his feet
   pushing it inwards. I'd seen that done on TV when the groom carried his new
   wife over the threshold. He's giggling. After his head makes it clear into
   the room, my foot pushes the door closed with a bang. I carry him towards
   the bed and drop him over it.

      "Be gentle with me, love." A giggle.

      So. He knows what his mom had asked of me. "You were peekin' in my head!
   I'm gonna teach you to be good from now on, Jes." My hands rush to his chest
   to tickle him something fierce. Then they lower to his belly that gets him
   laughing the hardest. I reach down to his feet and pull off his socks. He's
   kicking to avoid my tickles to him there.

      "Stop, Mike! Okay. I promise not to be peeking in you so much. Stop it,
   please!" Jesse pleads in his high-pitched voice.

      In feigned anger, "You better be good from now on!" Jesse gives me soft
   puppy eyes that melts my heart. I've Seen that from him instead of with my
   eyes. I'm realizing that's how he Sees how I'm feeling because the darkness
   in this room obscures my face.

      "Mike? I can't help but know what's happening with you. When you're sad,
   angry, glad or very worried. That makes your stomach hurt or it's there to
   see on your face. You're not good with blocking your feelings from me yet.
   Only your thoughts sometimes. I want to know how you are. I'm relying on you
   more than I've told you about or to grandfather. We're in this together. For
   better or worse."

      I recognize those last words Jesse spoke. They come from a marriage vow.
   We have gone through worse these past two weeks so it can only get better.
   It has to start with us; how we treat each other. A sharp pain squeezes my
   heart. I'd yelled at him. I did that terrible thing! Such guilt in me for
   acting so stupid when he came to explain things to me about Running Water
   that I should have known. Chris did.

      "Shh, Mike. I've forgiven you. Please try to accept all parts of your
   Selves to be that man I love... Short Hair."

      "Neet ahkse." Those words from my lips sound strange to Mike but not to
   the man I'm becoming. I'll try to do as grandfather asked. Accept myself.

      Jesse lays down over the bed with me joining him at his side. My head
   settles over his lap. I feel his male bulge against my cheek. I'm tempted to
   mouth his cock through his pants but that will lead to something more. We'll
   have the whole night to enjoy ourselves. I want just a little more clothes
   time with my lover to get to know him better. That sounds silly. We know
   each other so well already from our Connection. It's difficult to explain.

      "Mike..."

      "Yeah?" Jesse's left arm comes around to pull me to lay over him. Our
   faces come together. A kiss. I can't make out his face in the dark but I'm
   Feeling his love for me bursting in his heart. :I really love you.:

      "Me too. So much do I love you!" Answers Jesse.

      The sides of our faces press together. Cheek against cheek. I am so happy
   at this moment that I'm almost fearing that it will end. Like we don't
   deserve to have this moment together. We've been interrupted before. Someone
   calling me on the phone, maybe his mom will knock on our door or yet another
   trouble will come that we'll have to deal with. Anger fills me. I've made
   that promise to leave all our cares outside the door.

      "We are going to have this night together, love. No matter what."

      "Yes. We are." Our lips find each other for a kiss. It's very sweet. His
   lips move against mine while our noses rub together in a small kiss of their
   own. Jesse's hands rub all over my back. I'm pressing my full weight down
   on him knowing that he wants to feel that. My hands reach under his head,
   getting tangled in his long hair. Our kissing grows frantic. I'm sticking
   my tongue into his mouth that he sucks on. I get my turn sucking on his.
   We're grinding our cocks together that are quickly building towards an
   explosion.

      :Mike. We have to stop... Okay?:

      :Yeah. Let's not wet in our underwear. I wanna do that in your butt.:

      :I'm going to in yours.:

      :Yes, my love. I really want you to.: We've stopped kissing. Jesse is
   gasping for breath under me so I turn myself and fall on my right side over
   the bed. He brings my head to rest over his chest.

      "Mike? Thanks for bringing me out of that place where I was hiding inside
   myself. It's been hard out here. I'll stay, with you at my side."

      Jesse is reminding me that he's autistic. My love has brought him out. I
   remember when we first met. He was a shy youth who wouldn't shake my hand
   I'd offered him in class. I heard Jesse's first laugh when my motorcycle's
   headlight lit him up like an angel outside in the parking lot. He didn't
   speak a word to me until his mom had driven us to my trailer, him saying
   how Ron had died there. Not what I was expecting to hear from him.

      "I did say goodnight to you, Mike."

      "Yes. You did. I loved hearing your Indian accent when speaking my name."
   Jesse reverts into Siksika. I'm listening to the soft sounds of his words
   instead of translating them.

      "Ne stoa pinnan jeh ah-eene, Sah-kee-otokan."

      I wet my lips and answer him. "Ah. Ne stoa pinnan jeh ah-eene, Jes-ee-ah."
   He giggles at me. "What?"

      "I'm remembering how clumsily you first spoke those words to me. Your
   obvious white accent, running the first two words together without exhaling,
   mispronouncing the word for 'we'... Yet your heart was in it."

      "I'm speaking Siksika better now. It didn't take me years to learn like
   you'd said."

      "Only two weeks. You pretty good talker, Pale Face."

      We're both laughing. Our Connection has given me that ability to speak in
   his language and even to know his thoughts. Hmm. Indian magic. It no longer
   scares me.

      Jesse's chest returns to its gentle rising and falling beneath my head.
   I'm noticing that he's been fingering my hair. Little turns around his
   forefinger that sometimes slips from his thumb. My right hand is tangled in
   his length. Hair covers my other hand that's grasping his slim shoulder.

      "You'll notice a change in my appearance tomorrow, Short Hair."

      "What change?" Jesse doesn't answer me so I tug on his hair.

      "You'll have to wait and see."

      "Can you give me a hint?"

      "Maybe. It was pretty warm today. Thanks for pushing me in the backyard."

      "Don't try to change the subject. Are you going to give me a hint or not?"
   Jesse giggles.

      "I just did."

      I'm shrugging my shoulders. Just have to wait 'till tomorrow, I suppose.
   Happiness bursts in me to be lying next to my lover. We have this night to
   enjoy each other but I'm content to wait a while before getting naked.

      "Do you want to see my room?" Jesse asks.

      "Sure." He strains to reach across the bed for something. A lamp turns
   on. We sit up together with my eyes roaming along the walls. I see a few
   posters. One depicts Indians dancing at a powwow. Another shows them as a
   free People in the old days while a third poster takes me for a turn. It's
   of the Beatles.

      "I like listening to their songs," Jesse explains.

      "Me too." My eyes spot some toys sitting over his dresser. I'm scooting
   off the bed for a closer look. Jesse comes to my side. He turns the key to
   a mechanical monkey who bangs two cymbals together. I see the delight in his
   eyes at the noise he makes. A windup car catches my eyes. He gets it going
   across the dresser, catching it in his hands with a grin.

      "What's his name?" I ask when pointing to a brown teddy bear. Jesse
   becomes shy.

      "He used to sleep with me until mom scolded me for that."

      I'm Sensing from my lover that this child's toy comforted him in the
   dark. His mom didn't approve of that. I bring the teddy bear into my arms
   saying, "You now have both of us to cuddle in bed." A strange look comes
   from Jesse. He opens the bottom drawer to his dresser and places his toys
   into it. My arms tighten around his little friend.

      "I am a man now," Jesse explains. "No need for such things."

      "Even for Teddy?"

      "You can have him, Mike."

      I turn to Jesse and press the little bear between us. In a squeaky voice,
   "Let me sleep with you both. I won't tell mom." Jesse smiles. From within,
   I'm Sensing his longing for his bedtime friend along with embarrassment. In
   my own voice, "He's helped keep you company when you felt so alone."

      "Yes. But I have you now."

      With my right foot, I close the bottom drawer. Teddy is brought back to
   bed and set down between the pillows. Jesse pulls the blanket back. I'm
   Sensing his desire for us to make love. He gasps sharply. I see something in
   our bed that the blanket had covered. A beaded leather pouch.

      I'm Sensing very strong emotions from Jesse. His face is flushed. Wide
   eyed, he stares at the pouch that I think his mom had put there tonight.
   It's an Indian fetish. Chris has seen them crafted for all sorts of uses: to
   protect a newborn child from evil spirits, in shaman healings, to Call for a
   return to the buffalo in Spring dances and other Blackfoot ceremonies. Why
   is this fetish in our bed?

      "Mike!"

      My lover chokes up. I know this fetish means something very important.
   I'm getting that from our Connection. "What does it mean?" Jesse gropes for
   my left hand and firmly grasps it.

      "After I was born, mom put that cord connecting us inside it."

      "Your umbilical cord?" I ask.

      "Yes."

      Jesse turns to me. There are tears in his eyes. When he smiles, I know
   that this fetish is a good thing.

      "This is her way of letting me go. To let you have me. Mike?"

      I bring Jesse into my arms and hold him close. "I understand." We hold
   eac other for a while. Teddy's big black eyes watch us. I know he's happy.


      We're laying in bed with the light off. Our clothes lie in a heap on the
   floor. Teddy sits near our heads. Winna's fetish pouch is at our feet. I'm
   holding my lover close to me but we're not ready to make love yet.

      "But we are, Short Hair. I feel the warmth of your body against mine, the
   smell of you in my nose and your breaths are felt on my face. We're together.
   Aren't we both Feeling that?"

      I've been stroking over Jesse's long hair. My fingers come to his face
   that I trace out in the dark. A broad forehead. Between his eyelashes, I
   follow his nose down to his lips. They're trembling. "Can I kiss you?"

      "Silly. That's what I wanted you to do that first time you tried in the
   front room. Remember?"

      "Yeah. I wasn't sure if you wanted me to kiss you so I didn't."

      "You blew it alright. Told me that I had a booger hanging down from my
   nose. I'd Sensed your fear and both of us ended up disappointed."

      "I tried again after dinner."

      "You more than tried, Mike. I had closed my eyes so you could enter in
   your laptop's boot password and that's when you kissed me."

      "It was nice but when you didn't react like in shock or something, I'd
   thought you didn't want me to."

      "I was scared, a little. No guy had ever kissed me before."

      I'm shaking my head in dismay. Ron had fucked him lots of times but that
   part of Jesse wasn't reached by that man's lust - my lover's heart. He'd
   given it to me first.

      "Yes. You wanted me in a way no man had before, Mike. My body learned
   what the act of love was all about from him. Your kiss was a new experience.
   So wonderful! What you yearned to have made me shy though."

      I lean my face close to his until our noses touch. Jesse wets his lips.
   There's no need to ask if he wants me to kiss him so... I do.

      :Are you sure Teddy won't tattle on us?: Jesse Sends.

      I'm blowing a sharp breath out of my mouth in a burst of laughter. Jesse
   fills his lungs with it. :It's too dark for him to see us kissing!:

      :He can hear really well with those big ears of his.: Jesse giggles.

      :Maybe if we both give him a kiss, he'll not tell.: My lover tightens his
   arms around me. We're kissing some more until thoughts of Teddy fade from my
   head. I'm feeling my manly desire for this man. My cock grows long against
   his, mashing together when my left hand pulls over his butt. He holds mine.
   I'll be giving myself to him tonight.

      We pause from kissing to take breaths. Jesse has been feeling all over
   my butt, palming over my cheeks and wiggling a finger between them to find
   my hole. I spread my legs.

      "Mike? It hurts a lot the first time," he warns.

      "Then why did you let Ron?" I was reluctant to ask him that.

      "He wanted to. And I wanted him to show me what it was like."

      I'm feeling mixed emotions about what he's said.

      "Ron thought I could be gay and I needed to be sure. He opened a part of
   me that wanted to fulfill a man's need. Not for love. It's hard to explain...

      I'm Shown what happened between them. Ron had taken Jesse to his bed a
   few times to offer him male relief through handling. Sucking on his dick was
   too ticklish. When the man tongued his hole, that drove Jesse wild. He let
   the man fuck him. It was painful the first few times yet he also felt the
   joy from having their bodies joined. That proved he was gay.

      :Why did you want him to finish inside you?: I Ask. Some embarrassment
   comes through our Connection but Jesse reveals why he did.

      :I'd Felt Ron's thrills as a man when he fucked me before. He'd pull out
   to squirt over my cheeks. I wanted to feel that inside me so that's why I
   reached back to grab his butt near his ending to have him do that in me. It
   was very thrilling for both of us. A rite-of-passage for me that proved I
   was gay.:

      :Okay. But once you knew you were gay, why did you let him keep fucking
   you? He had Running Water for that.:

      :Ron wasn't with him for a while. My uncle was undergoing a rite with
   grandfather in October that required him to abstain from sex. I offered that
   man relief.:

      I'm Sensing more from Jesse than he's admitting to. He wished that Ron
   was his lover but knowing that Running Water had already taken that man's
   heart, gave of himself to satisfy that shadowy form of love coming from lust.
   Ron was caught up in it along with Jesse. There was no turning back for them
   after that.

      "Mike? About me and Ron..."

      I squeeze Jesse in my arms really hard. :My love, there's nothing for me
   to forgive. That man showed you what it meant to be gay. He didn't try taking
   your heart; only your butt.:

      "I love only you!" Jesse vows.

      "I know." Some guilt tugs at my heart for having given it to his uncle as
   well yet Jesse accepts this and now, so do I.

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   End of file: NEWLUV13.TXT              The story continues in: NEWLUV14.TXT