************************************************************************** * "NEW TO LOVE" * * (part 3) * * by Vince Water 1/03 * ************************************************************************** | Copyright 2002-2006 by Vince Water Corrected 3/06 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------- My eyes open in the faint light of morning. I'm startled. There's someone in bed with me! My foggy head is slow to remember that it's Jesse. He's laying next to me on my right side, his soft head on my chest with hair spilled all over the place. His right arm is draped over my belly. A smile comes to my lips. We were together last night as a couple. Loved! It was wonderful holding his nude body next to mine, our kisses and tight embrace that got him to cum a few times. I didn't even do that once. I'm feeling a twinge of regret because of that. Why can't I beat off like other guys who use their hands? I have to push my cock down between my thighs to release myself. I've been doing that since I was nine. I didn't have an older brother or close friend to show me how to do it right so that prevents me from doing it forward. I couldn't get off during our belly rubs. Did Jesse realize that my cock didn't shoot? I release a troubled sigh. I'm feeling really stupid. Jesse consummated our love and, I hope, I'll be able to act as a man the next time we're intimate. I know that he expects this of me. Sex is a wonderful way to express your heart. God! I do love him. A clock is ticking in the room. I turn to it, just making the hands out at 6:50am. Jesse has slept most the night with me. Alarm fills me. I sure hope his mom will be sleeping late on Sunday as he's said. I'm gently stroking Jesse's head. His long flowing hair feels nice against my arm. I consider waking him so that he can get back to his own bed but not yet. He's sleeping peacefully in my arms as a lover should. He is my lover! I've always wanted this, to find the right guy who will become my life-long companion. An Indian at that. Why? Well, there's my physical attraction to a slim dark body with smooth skin. I've had fantasies about being ravaged by a warrior who comes to love me. I enjoyed looking at half-naked men in picture books as a boy and saw their obvious freedom, spirituality and zest for life. That's the Indian from the past. Jesse is the modern version yet he is wonderful! I love listening to his soft voice, especially when speaking in Indian. He's gentle; caring. I like his mother who's shown me much kindness. His uncle has a fierce spirit like the Indians of old. We could of... I release a sigh. My heart is only for Jesse now. And my body. We've expressed our complete love for each other last night! My nose pains me when I try holding back tears. I've become so emotional recently. Gone is my professional self who knew everything, at least concerning computers. Love is a new experience for me. What I do know is that it makes me feel good. I have found my true self because of Jesse. My fingers pull over the long strands of his hair. It's almost as if I'm with a girl. Yuk. Where did that thought come from? Jesse is a young Indian man who attracts me like no other. I deserve him. We're about the same age (physically) though he has problems in his head that makes him act younger. That's what had troubled me earlier; my reluctance to have sex with him. I'd felt that to do so would be taking advantage of his innocence. His uncle, Running Water is a real man. Experienced. And what a body. Yet he's ten years older than me and has already had a lover. He wants me to replace Ron. I feel nothing in my heart for that man and all I've seen in him is lust. He rushed things by having sex with me. A powerful thing but the act is an empty one when there's nothing in our hearts to bind us after our clothes are back on. I'm not being honest with myself. I do feel something for him. Otherwise, I wouldn't have been drawn into having sex with him and sticking into his butt. That felt good. Would I have been able to get myself to sperm in it? Guilt fills me for considering what could have been. Running Water and me is not going to happen. I have Jesse now as my lover and he has offered himself to me, maybe even to have us perform that most ultimate of gay acts. It still amazes me that two males can join their bodies that way like a man does with a woman. I listen to the soothing sound of the clock ticking. I'm also keeping my ears out for Jesse's mom. Boy, wouldn't she be mad at me to find her son in my arms! I begin to daydream about the day when we won't have to worry about it. Jesse and me living in our own place as a couple. I could teach computer classes at the college. No more coding jobs for me. That has already robbed me of my humanity for too long. I have plenty of money in the bank and more keeps pouring in (for another year, at least) from being paid Royalties on those three software titles I did. Enough to buy a new car and a house. I release a long sigh. Such sweet dreams but I've not thought about what Jesse wants beyond being with me of course. He needs to continue going to school. But what after that? Can he hold a job to earn money for himself? I don't want him to become so dependant on me that his life would crumble if I should... go away. It pains my heart to think that. I lift my face upwards and pray. "Lord, I swear to stay with Jesse forever!" More plans form in my head like having him meet with my parents. Oh boy, they'd love that. No! I think my sister would accept us because she already suspects that I'm gay. She'd want me to be happy. I think through lots of other things to do but I stop myself. I'm thinking too logically. Careful planning can too easily be undone. I recall what Mr. Augusten had said about walking forward in life. Take one step at a time, he said. Jesse and I have taken the first step together. But our love has to be kept secret, even from his uncle who could help us past the difficulties that lie ahead: what to do about Jesse's mother and finding tolerance within his Indian culture. Running Water told me that it's not talked about. Does Winna know that her nephew is gay? So is her son. That would come as a shock to her and likely cause her much distress, especially if she were to learn that I am being with Jesse. Made love to him. I don't think she'd abandon her son after taking care of him for all his life. That's a mother's responsibility. But he's a man now and he needs to get out of the house. I would take care of him. I'm not being unfair by thinking that. He needs to grow up without his mother holding him back. My daydream returns of us being together as a couple. We could run away if things became too difficult. I've read that an Indian brave who doesn't have horses to trade to the girl's father could snatch her from the tipi. After a moon, they would return as husband and wife. That's a practice from the past. Jesse isn't a girl and I am being unfair by thinking about taking him away from his mother's house. We couldn't return and find acceptance. He has roots here in Havre: his uncle, a grandfather who is shaman of their People and it would hurt Jesse to know how worried his mother would be at his absence. I could rent an apartment in town. Not too close to his mother's house so that Jesse could be weaned away from living here. He'd spend some nights with me. Ah, I'd love that! By getting a car, I could drive him to and from school and save his uncle from making those trips. My motorcycle has been fun but it's outlived its usefulness. Always breaking down now. I'll be glad to be rid of it. Those are good plans that I'm making for us but I must consider what Jesse wants, too. Things should stay the same for now so that our love can grow stronger. I'll fit myself into his life and make the necessary changes slowly so they won't upset him or his mom. I want Jesse so much! I've been tangling my fingers in his long hair, enjoying its silky smoothness. My other hand rests over his warm back. Our bodies have become sweated from sleeping together and they smell nice. A strong male scent that I've noticed from myself after beating off. I didn't last night. Couldn't. I'm finally with a man and my cock won't come out? My hand forms a tight fist. Jesse stirs from his sleep and I'm scolding myself. Must have pulled on his hair or something. I can't tell if his eyes are open but his breaths have deepened. I rub over his warm naked skin. A joy comes to me that I'm holding him as my lover! There's a pleasant blood rush into my cock. I want to make love to him (maybe I'll cum this time) before sending him to back to his room before his mother awakens. I hear Jesse mutter something. He turns to face me, his beautiful dark eyes looking into mine with such longing in the early morning light. "She sleeps late on Sunday," he whispers. A sly grin. I'm not frightened anymore by his ability to know my thoughts. It's an amazing gift. A way for us to become closer. Jesse pulls himself to me and wets his lips. I eagerly press mine against his. A sweet kiss. His long arms are felt around my neck in a way that says I'm his. I am. We both take urgent breaths. "I love you, Mike." "I love you too, Jesse." We kiss some more. My heart bursts to have him in my arms and expressing love for each other in this tender way. Not with blatant sex as his uncle had tried with me. "Don't be ashamed of what you did with him," Jesse asks. "My uncle is very lonely and he wants you, Mike. Even more so because of Ron's ring." I glance at my right hand. I'm glad that it had been given back to Running Water. He should have the ring; not me! Jesse lowers his eyes from mine, making me realize that he's felt my anger. I lift his chin up. Peer into the depths of his troubled eyes to Look at him. The worry wrinkles on his forehead disappear. I'm given his longing gaze and my face reveals that same deep feeling in my heart for him. We kiss again. Oh, what a wonderful expression of our love for each other! My hands squeeze his back. His long hair pulls taunt against my palms so I roam lower until I'm holding his soft butt. Jesse's cheeks are a smaller shape than his uncle's but there's a nice roundness to them; not flat like Running Water's. Jesse pants for breath. His eyes twinkle when he asks me something. "Do you really like his... I mean, my butt? Do you want to fuck it?" Tremendous excitement goes through me like an electric shock. I give Jesse's ass a lusty squeeze but reluctance comes to me because we've already dared much in his mother's house. I've just caught Jesse's reference to me liking his uncle's butt. Has he Peered into my head, knows that I've tried fucking Running Water? I'm scolding myself. If he didn't know that before, my thoughts have just betrayed me. Jesse rubs his soft face over mine. His hands lift behind my neck. I raise my hands along his back, clutching him as if for the last time. "You worry too much, Mike." Tears fill my eyes after hearing his breath-filled words in my ear. I try not to think about anything except my love for him. 'I do love you so!' "Mike. I like Hearing you tell me that." My chest heaves when I keep my sobs from coming out of my mouth. He really can hear my thoughts, feels my love and knows of my shame. I'm not ever going to be with his uncle again. "But he needs you, Mike." "No. I love you so I'm only going to be with you that way!" A sob escaped with my last words. Jesse turns his head until our lips meet. He kisses me to drive away my bad feelings and woe. It works. Lust builds in me. I'm really feeling the urge to make love to Jesse right now. He slides on top of me. The meeting of warm sweaty bodies that my arms bring closer together. He grasps my neck. Our cocks gently rub. I'm feeling the building pleasure towards release. I want to do that. We tongue during our frantic kissing. Breaths rush through our noses in beat to our struggling bodies. I have to turn my head to gulp in air. My cock is tingling but it's not thrilled enough for me to cum and I'm feeling really bad about that. "Why do you hold yourself back?" he whispers. My hands squeeze Jesse's slim form. I know why. I'm feeling very angry at myself; embarrassed. He knew about my failings last night and still I'm unable to consummate our love. "Maybe if you were to stick in my butt." I'm feeling a sharp urge to try. I reach down for his small cheeks that he opens by spreading his legs, allowing my fingers to slip in for his asshole. He trembles from my exploration. I'm touching his tight entrance. Too small for my cock to fit in. I release a trembling sigh and pull my hands away so that I won't be tempted. "You're scared about hurting me, Mike?" "Yeah." "I'm willing to let you try anyway," Jesse whispers. "Not now," I explain. "Not here in your mother's house. If we're going to do it right, we need to ah... prepare ourselves." "You mean using a condom?" I've heard the disappointment in Jesse's voice. "Stuff like that." Actually, I meant that we'd need lubricant and do it in my trailer. That way, I'd feel more comfortable knowing that his mom wasn't going to catch us in the act and it would be easier to clean up afterwards. I want our joining to be natural. No condom around my cock to lessen the sensation or to prevent my sperm from entering him. I want his butt to hold my love. "I want that too, Mike. You don't need to wear one or use lubricant. Ron didn't when he fucked my uncle." In a careful voice I ask, "How do you know?" "He mouthed my... uncle's butt a lot and put spit in him before sticking inside. You can do that to me if you don't think it's too dirty an act." I'd love to eat out his little ass! "Okay, I promise. But let's wait until we're in my trailer to do it. It's probably going to hurt you a lot." "You'll be able to come out!" Jesse pleads. I give Jesse a tight squeeze. I'm feeling like whisking him to my place right now so that we can love completely. To fuck his ass and cum in him. That gay act would deepen our love and make me feel like a man. "What can I do now so you'll release? I want to feel your joy." I bury my face in Jesse's hair and try not thinking about what he's asked. There's only one way I know of but it's too embarrassing! "I'm not ashamed of you, Mike. I can close my eyes or something." I remember my stolen kiss from Jesse. He'd been closing his eyes as I've asked when typing in my laptop's boot password. That made it easier for me to kiss him. I breathe in deeply when making my decision. I'm really feeling the need to come out. Jesse's arms pull from my neck. He slides his body down next to me on my right side. I turn to face him. His eyes are tightly shut and that makes me laugh. "You don't need to do that." I look at the blanket covering us. He won't be able to see me doing it anyway. I'm reaching for my hard cock, pushing it down between my thighs with a little embarrassment. Jesse waits for me to something with him. I feel his erection against the back of my hand and an idea comes to me. He should be told. "I have a funny way of beating off," I'm explaining to him. He doesn't react; no sly grin or anything in his eyes to make me feel bad. I grasp his hard dick. Jesse breathes in sharply. "You may think this is funny, Mike, but I don't beat off. Not ever." "Really?" I remember reading somewhere that four percent of boys don't do that. Their pent up lust comes out after having a wet dream. I wonder how many times Jesse has awakened with sticky underwear? I'm bending his dick towards my legs. I slip it between them to join my cock there, realizing that he'll know how I'm going to beat off. It's a tight fit. Jesse's eyes widen but he doesn't say anything. His long arms come around my back. I reach around for his, my left hand going low for his butt. I'm pulling over his sweaty cheeks. His dick slides further between my thighs. It's a thrilling sensation that leaves me gasping for air. Jesse closes his eyes. Our faces come together for a kiss when I begin my motion down there. A tight rhythmic squeezing of my thighs. I feel his dick getting mashed against mine. It's a different sensation from doing it alone but I know that I'll be able to cum. We pause a moment from kissing to catch our breath. Jesse peers into my eyes. I smile, feeling very strong in my heart for sharing this part of myself with him. He knows. I'm no longer embarrassed about how I do it. "Mike. It feels good what we're doing. Kind of like joining our bodies together if you know what I mean." "Yeah, I do." We stare at each other with longing. Jesse studies every feature to my face and smiles. Does he really like the way I look? I'm attracted to his Indian features: his big nose, rounded brown cheeks and his dark eyes so filled with love for me. "I have chosen you, Jesse." Tears fill my eyes and I'm feeling a bit silly for saying that. "You are very good looking, Mike. I have chosen you, too. I knew that I'd fall in love with you that first time we met in your classroom." "Really?" Jesse nods his head. I've been crying from the intense joy of this moment. Hope he doesn't think I'm being a sissy. I tremble when feeling his mouth over my eyes to clear them of tears. He kisses my nose. "Oh, Jesse!" My mouth finds his and we kiss. It turns frantic when I'm sucking on his slippery tongue. Breaths rush through my nose. I feel his hot breaths blow out against my cheek. He's pulling over my butt in beat to my hand over his. Our bodies are straining together as one, almost as if we've joined them in fucking. I feel his soft groin hair rubbing over my groin hair. His long legs are flexing along mine when he stabs. Our chests rub. They're so hot and sweaty. I kiss Jesse with so much love bursting in my heart that I'm feeling my cock explode! I cry out from that sweet joy. I'm gulping in air and I hear Jesse's outcry. His eyes are fluttering from the male pleasure that he's feeling. I know he's cumming too. Not by his strong squirts against my thighs or from his eyes; I'm feeling his sharp thrills in my head. It's very intense. Jesse opens his eyes. They are wild looking, almost as if he's going to eat me. They soften when our faces come back together for a kiss. Tenderly. Our heated bodies slow while we enjoy our male relief. A joy comes to me. We have finally made love as a couple. "Ah. Ne stoa pinnan jeh ah-eene, Sah-kee-otokan." I smile to hear Jesse speaking in Indian. What did he say to me? "That I love you, Sah-kee-otokan." I breathe out deeply through my nose. There's a sly grin on Jesse's lips when he reverted into his Indian language again. "Please tell me what you've just said?" "I've named you 'Short Hair'." "And the rest of it. What does it mean exactly?" Jesse repeats what he's said in that softly spoken language of his. I try to remember the words. "Yes. We one heart, Short Hair," he translates. I try uttering those words. "Ahne sto a pin jeh ahne, Sah-kee-otokan?" He's giggling at me. "Not quite right, Mike. 'Ah' means 'yes' so pause from saying the next words: 'ne stoa pinnan' which refers to you and me. 'jeh' is 'one'. We one 'ah-eene' that means our 'hearts'." "'Sah-kee-otokan' is your name for me. 'Short hair' is better than calling me pale face!" A thought strikes me. "What is your Indian name?" "My mother calls me 'Jes-ee-ah'." "That sounds close to Jesse." "Ah. It's not a Siksika word. My mom softens my English name when she speaks it." "What does 'seek-see-a' mean?" "Seek-see-Ka" he corrects. "That is what our People call themselves. It means: 'Those with the black-dyed moccasins'." I'm smiling. I like hearing Jesse speak in his soft language that proves he is a real Indian. "I'd like to learn all of your words." "Alright. But it's going to be hard, Mike. I've been learning how to speak since birth while you'd only be starting. It could take years." I'm eagerly nodding my head. Love bursts in my heart when I think about those years ahead that we'll have to be together. "Ah. Until we both grow old and ugly," says Jesse. I squeeze my young lover, not worrying about that happening for a long time. We are living in this moment. A toilet is heard flushing down the hall. Fear grips my heart! The blanket is pulled over our heads in a rush and my ears strain to hear his mom coming into the front room. "Don't be afraid," Jesse whispers. "I'll be with you to face her, Mike." "Shhh!" We remain still under the blanket while I dread what will come. Yet her footsteps of doom never approach. I wait a moment longer before releasing a sigh of relief. Jesse giggles. "It's lucky that you weren't fucking me," Jesse teases. "She would have heard our moans." "Or you crying out in pain!" I pinch his butt hard. "Oh, mommy! Save me. I'm getting raped by this white guy!" I burst out in laughter, mostly from relief. Jesse pulls his arms from me but his dick is still trapped between my thighs. I pull them apart. He sits up with the blanket falling from his shoulders. I'm embarrassed when he uncovers me as well, his eyes peering down at where my cock bends over my balls. I wiggle my hips to free it from my thighs. It's oozing cum. Jesse pounces on it. His long black hair covers his face from sight but I feel his mouth on me. Gentle kisses along my shaft. I gasp when he swallows my knob and sucks on it. I pull on his shoulder to make him stop. My face is burning. Jesse turns to me with a wicked grin, licking his lips as if enjoying the honey he's stolen from a bee hive. My breaths are trembling. He looks down at himself. I eye his oozing dick and see that his rosy knob has pulled back within its foreskin. I'm curious for a taste. I grasp Jesse's right leg and lower my face to his groin. It smells strong of cum. My mouth shyly opens to slip his dick in me. I'm sucking on his silky knob. It tastes like aged fat, especially when I dare to stick my tongue through his foreskin. Kind of salty. He's squirming against me. I'm pulling away. When I peer up at Jesse, his face is very tense and I realize that sucking him was too ticklish. I glance at my cock and remember Running Water sucking on it. How intense that had felt. Jesse reaches under the blanket for something. He pulls out a pair of underwear and wipes our cum from my thighs. Almost ritually. "Doesn't it hurt to beat off that way?" he asks. My face is burning. I'm shaking my head and take the wet underwear from him. His hands close around mine in a rush. We peer at each other in secret understanding. His eyes then drop in embarrassment. "Don't wash it, Mike. Because I want to..." "I'll keep this to remember our first time, Jesse." He peers shyly at me and I smile. "I have kept your underwear when you..." "You have?" Jesse asks. I nod my head. It's my turn to drop my eyes in embarrassment. In a low voice, "I've cleaned myself with them a few times after, you know..." Jesse gives me a big grin. I release a loud sigh. "Now, get your butt back to bed before your mother catches us!" Jesse laughs. He makes an exaggerated glance at his behind and pats it, turning to me with shy eyes. "Remember what you've promised, Mike." I'm nodding my head. I stare at his little butt and wonder if I'll be able to fit my cock in it. I'd want to try fucking him. Jesse blows a tense breath out of his mouth. He reaches under the blanket and pulls out another pair of underwear. He checks the label. I know they are his because mine were newly purchased from Wal-Mart. A smile comes to my lips. I bring my wet underwear to my nose and sniff them, knowing that I won't be wearing these again. "You can wear mine," says Jesse. He hands over his underwear. I accept them even though they are a few sizes too small. They're pulled up my legs and stretched around my waist. Jesse smiles. We both get to our feet. Jesse gives me a tight hug that fills me with such longing. I've accepted him as my lover. I won't forget this night. My arms loosen but Jesse continues clinging to me. I reach down and squeeze his ass. Will he really let me try fucking it? I'm feeling some guilt about that because I would be trading his pain for what would only be a brief moment of pleasure for me. I don't think that it's worth it. Jesse lets me go. We stand apart, looking at each other but I'm surprised when he doesn't give me love eyes. Something is worrying him. I see his mouth opening but he doesn't speak. "What is it?" I gently ask. Jesse mutters, "Tell you later." This moment has me wishing that I could read his thoughts. Something is troubling Jesse. He walks away slowly, his right arm half reaching out to me. I see a dark expression on his face and a shiver goes down my spine. It almost seemed like he was seeing me for the last time. I watch Jesse creeping down the hall. There's just enough light to see his nakedness. Sure hope he doesn't run into his mom. I look down at myself, at his tight underwear that I'm wearing and a smile comes to my lips. My male bulge is easily seen. I've come out in Jesse's arms as a lover should. Next time we meet, I'll be performing as a man over his back by fucking his cute little ass. Hmm. Maybe that's what is troubling him. I won't force anything on him. I love him too much! We don't have to do that if he's afraid or something. I'll beat off through my thighs with him joining me like before. When I get used to having sex with him, the other acts will come more naturally. That's my hope anyway. A yawn erupts from my mouth. I drop to the floor and draw the blanket over me. Where is my wet underwear? Another urgent yawn. I'll find it later and hide it inside my laptop bag. I keep a plastic garbage bag in there in case it rains to protect my computer. I'm breathing in the cool morning air. It's putting me to sleep. My feet push against a fold in the blanket and that sends a rush of air past my body. I smell our male sweetness. Ah, Jesse! I awaken from deep sleep when something hits me. It's a black boot. I've just had a bad dream about Mrs. Winnapah yelling at me about something. I turn to my right but don't see Jesse laying at my side. He's standing near me wearing a warm jacket, galoshes and a winter's cap. I rub sleep from my eyes and meet his smile with my own. Piled at my side is the other black boot, my jacket and a cap. It seems that Jesse wants us to go outside. "I want to surprise my mom by shoveling the driveway," he explains. I'm pulling the blanket from me. Jesse grins when he sees me in his underwear. "She isn't up yet?" "No. I told you that she sleeps late on Sunday." I get to my feet. Jesse looks down the hallway a moment before he steps closer to tug on my underwear. He peeks into them for my cock. My face begins to burn. "Still asleep," Jesse comments with a sly grin. "Strip out of your winter clothes and see what happens!" When it looks like he might just do that, I turn away to grab my shirt and jeans. My back glance at Jesse reveals his disappointment. Some mischief comes into me when I moon him. His quick hand gives my cheeks a pat. "We could go to the bathroom and..." I'm shaking my head violently. "Jesse! We've gotten away with sleeping together last night without getting caught. You've come out three times already and still you feel the need?" Jesse lowers his eyes. "I only want to hold you again, Mike." I'm feeling bad for only considering that he wants to have sex with me. "I'd like to hold you again." Jesse's eyes light up so I'm quickly saying, "Later. We have a driveway to shovel." I'm pulling my clothes on. Jesse watches me and he hands me my jacket and the winter's cap. I eye the black boots. "Those were my fathers," he mutters. "I think they'll fit you." I'm grabbing the boots but shove them in Jesse's hands when I remember to do something first. I search the blanket. My wet underwear is found. I'm digging into my laptop bag for that garbage bag to put them in. He comes to my side and lowers his face to my right hand. Sniffs. I bring the wet underwear to my nose for a smell. We both grin knowingly. After dropping them into the plastic bag, I bury it deep in my bag and zipper it up. We head for the door. I'm putting on his dad's boots and to my relief, they fit. It's very cold outside. There's a wind blowing but the sky doesn't threaten another snow storm. Not yet, anyway. We walk to the driveway and I groan inwards. At least three feet of snow covers it. His mom's truck looks like a giant snowman that has fallen onto its side. Jesse heads towards the garage. He struggles with pushing the door open so I help. Inside, I see lots of boxes and junk lying about. Some are piled on a red pickup truck. An older model. I don't think it's running. "Mom hasn't come in here since dad..." I nod my head with understanding. Jesse grabs two shovels. My eyes fall over the rear of him, at his small butt outlined through his pants. I'm feeling over it. "You like?" Jesse asks. "Ah. Very much! I first noticed how nice it looked when you were crawling under the lamp table to plug in the power to my laptop." "I know. I'd felt your hungry eyes over my backside." That has me laughing. Jesse places the shovels against the wall. He's quickly pulling down his pants and I get to see his brown cheeks when dropping his underwear. My breath trembles. He leans over some boxes to stick his butt out. I'm dropping to my knees behind him, my hands going to it. A sharp lust fills me when I fondle Jesse's ass. It's nice and soft; warm. My cock stiffens inside my pants. "Kiss my butt," Jesse begs. My face presses against his cheeks. I breathe in their musky smell. That enflames me to start kissing them, my hungry mouthing over his smooth brown skin. I hear Jesse breathing heavily. When my nose slips into the crack of his butt, he spreads his legs. I'm pulling his cheeks apart to look at his hole. It's really small; hairless. My mouth is drawn to it with shy tonguing. I can't believe what I'm doing to Jesse's ass! I'm pulling my face from his butt to catch my breath. Jesse is removing his coat. Does he want me to fuck him? We probably shouldn't. Not here. He backs his little ass into my face and I forget about my concern. Jesse moans when I tongue his asshole really deep. It doesn't taste bad as I was expecting. My cock throbs with lust. I'm wanting to drop my pants but if I did that, sex will surely follow. I want to wait until we're back at my trailer before fucking him. "Put some spit in me," Jesse asks, "to make my butt slippery enough." The struggle in me ends. I bury my face in his butt and wetly tongue his asshole. I'm spitting. Swirling it inside so when I stick my cock in... "Yesss. Do it, Mike!" I'm rushing to my feet. My pants come down followed by underwear. I see my hard cock sticking towards Jesse. He reaches a hand back to guide me inside him. I watch his brown butt swallowing my length. There's some resistance against his hole but to my surprise, I'm slipping in. My hands go to his hips. Jesse moans in pain. I'm reluctant to stick in further but his hand pulls on my butt hard. Our bodies come together. A slimy tightness is felt around my cock that makes me gasp. I'm in him?! I look down at my hairy groin that's pressed up against his cheeks. Yeah. I really am. My jacket is pulled off. Jesse lifts his shirt so I pull mine up to my chest. I'm leaning over his back, feeling the heat of his body against me. My hands pull over his hips. Ah! I feel a tight squeezing around my cock when I thrust. I'm pulling back a ways then sticking his butt hard. The sensation from fucking it is like nothing I've ever imagined. I can cum. Maybe I shouldn't do that inside him. "Don't pull out at the end," Jesse begs. "I want to feel you explode in my butt!" I'm thrilled to hear that from him. My butt humps when driving myself into his butt. Thrills are building in my cock. I hold breaths to deepen that heavy sensation in my stomach. Jesse is moaning. Not in a way that I think he's feeling hurt. He likes getting fucked. I'm stabbing my cock really deep in him feeling the wonderful tightness of his ass. Another breath is held. I pull over Jesse's hips and my balls tingle in warning. I'm crying out. Squirting in his butt a lot. He's crying out, too. Pleasure explodes in my head while I'm cumming. Jesse's asshole gets really tight with my cock stuck deep in him. My flow ends. I collapse over his back with my arms around him. He's trembling. We're both gasping for breath. Love bursts in my heart for Jesse when I realize with pride what I've done. My cock came out without having to stick it between my thighs. Not since I was a boy have I accomplished that any other way. I'm a man because of it. I slowly straighten up. Jesse's hands rush back to hold my butt so that our bodies will remain stuck together. That has me smiling. "Mike, I felt it!" My face is burning. I look down at Jesse's butt and realize that he has my sperm in it. I'm gently massaging his cheeks to ease any pain he's feeling by fucking him. That happened more easily than I thought it would. "Thank you, Jesse!" That was stupid of me to say. I should have told him how much I love him instead. "I know, Mike." He knows what I'm thinking. In a way, that still frightens me but I am glad. Words are often too clumsy and can't express how I'm really feeling. "Did if feel good fucking me?" Jesse asks in his soft Indian voice. "Yeah. I came out a lot." I'm reaching up for Jesse's long hair and I give it a playful tug. He strains to turn his face towards me. I lean my face over his shoulder to kiss him as he wants. My heart bursts with love. I'm feeling the cold air over my butt. Jesse's hands have released it so I push over his back to get my cock out of him. It didn't get dirty to my relief. He's looking down at himself. I come to his side and will offer myself to him in any way that will fulfill his need. Jesse shyly points down at the box he was leaning over. I see his cum over it. He did that from me just fucking him? I'm sucking in a sharp breath. I look for something to wipe it up but another idea comes to me. With my right hand, I gather his thick sperm into my palm. I'm sniffing it. My tongue laps some into my mouth for a taste. Kind of salty. Jesse's face is really burning and he gives me shy eyes. Jesse turns from me to look for something in the garage. Probably a rag to clean his cum from my hand. I look down at his butt. My sperm is inside it so I'm feeling the need to complete our love rite. I reach down for my butt and wipe his cum over my hole. My fingers are sticking through it, pushing Jesse's seed into me. He returns with a towel but sees what I'm doing. His eyes widen in surprise. "Mike!" I stare at Jesse with fierce eyes. There's no shame in me. "I want us both to have wet butts. Our love inside each other." Jesse blinks his eyes. He covers his face with a hand to hide his tears. I'm rushing to hold him. "Shh. Don't feel that way." "I'm not ashamed. You did that to... Oh, Mike. You really love me!" "Yes, Jesse. The next time we're together, I want your dick inside my ass to fill me with your love." "I will. We'll do each other." We embrace each other. His left cheek presses against mine. No need for more kissing because our loins have been satisfied. I can't believe that I've fucked him. He has made a man out of me. I'm starting to feel cold. The top half of our bodies are covered in clothes but the more important lower half remains bared, pressed together in warmth and love. I'm holding Jesse's butt. He's holding mine. Both of them filled with our life's essence. That makes us One. "Let's get to shoveling your mom's driveway," I whisper. Jesse lets me go and he pulls up his underwear and pants. I'm also covering my nakedness. He gets our jackets and we put them on while looking at each other with big smiles. I grab the shovels. We go outside. It's really cold when we walk down the length of his driveway until reaching the street. It's been plowed. I look back towards the garage in the distance. We have a lot of work ahead of us. Luckily, the newly fallen snow is light to shovel. Jesse starts on the left side and meets me in the middle. Before turning to clear another width, he smiles at me. Almost, I think he was going to hug me. We slowly shovel our way towards his mother's pickup. I'm often looking at Jesse to see if his butt is hurting him. When he catches my eyes on him there, he smiles. "I can feel you inside me," Jesse explains while grasping the seat of his pants. "A silky sensation when I walk." Some concern comes to me. "Do you need to go to the bathroom?" "No. I want your sperm in me for a while longer, Mike." I look around to see if anyone has heard Jesse say that. Silly, really. We're alone. Who'd want to be out this early in the morning in the cold! I've been trying to shovel more snow than Jesse so he won't tire as much. He's been panting for breath. I remember that he has Marfan's Syndrome and his mother's warning returns to me about not straining himself. I'm a strong white guy. My exploration of Montana has put me in really good shape. We finally reach Winna's pickup. I drop my shovel against it to take a rest. We're admiring what we've accomplished so far. There's more driveway to clear behind us though. I've noticed Jesse's tired frown. "We make a good team, you and me." My lover grins in response. I reach inside the bed of the pickup truck and gather a handful of snow, tossing it in Jesse's direction. An icy spray covers him. He quickly reaches down and makes a snowball. I'm ducking but he's managed to strike my butt. It becomes a fierce contest between us. We're both ducking behind the truck and throwing snowballs at each other. Then I hear someone calling out Jesse's name. We turn to his mother. Winna has her head stuck out of a window. Jesse waves to her, his face beaming. "Thank you! I'll get breakfast started after you are finished. Do you like scrambled eggs, Mike?" "Yeah. That would be great." Winna struggles with lowering her window back down. I turn to Jesse with a big grin. He's pulling the rear door down to the pickup and I see a lot of snow piled inside. We step onto the bed. When Jesse starts using his shovel, I'm grabbing it from him. "Don't! That will scratch the paint," I warn him. "Let's use our boots." We kick the powdery snow out. With our arms, we clear off the roof and all the side windows. Jesse opens the driver's side door and gets a long wooden brush. He clears the windshield of snow. Then we get back to shoveling. By getting on our knees, we're able to remove snow beneath his mother's pickup and free all four tires. Our progress slows towards the garage. Both of us are getting really tired. Luckily, the snow isn't as high over this part of the driveway because his house has blocked the wind from forming deep drifts. I'm often pausing to rest. More so for Jesse's sake but he doesn't show any distress. I'm feeling hot in my jacket. I've since removed my cap and have it stuffed in a pocket. My body is sweated from all the hard work. Melted snow has soaked my jeans. Half an hour later, we finally reach the garage. Jesse goes through its side entrance with me following. Our shovels are placed along a wall. He gives me a sly grin and closes the door while we're still inside. I'm only expecting a hug and kiss from him. Jesse removes his coat. I take off my jacket and drop it over his. We face each other, arms rushing around that brings our bodies together. He smells very sweaty. I feel his lips against mine and we kiss. My heart is pounding. There's a swift rising to my cock and it presses against his erection felt through his pants. One of his hands lower to my butt. I enjoy feeling over his butt. Both of them are filled with our love. We pant for breath. Jesse looks down at himself, his fingers working on unbuttoning his pants. They fall to his ankles. "See, Mike. I'm wearing your underwear." I eye the hard bulge in the front of them. "Aren't they smelling strong?" I ask with a laugh. He's been wearing them since Wednesday. "Maybe a little." He pulls on the elastic band to show off his dick. I'm reaching in for it. Jesse gasps, his sparkling eyes revealing that my hand is making him feel good. I gently pull his foreskin back to free his rosy knob. "I've heard that boys who have foreskins can beat off more easily than cut guys like me." "Is that why you put it between your thighs?" Jesse timidly asks. I nod my head, seeing regret on his face for mentioning that. He gestures for me to pull my pants down. I'm glancing at the door uneasily. We both know that his mom is awake now. Jesse's hands reach for the front of my jeans and I let him unfasten them. His breaths are trembling. The cold air assaults my nakedness when he pulls down my underwear. His, actually when I remember. My cock sticks out in Jesse's hand. He gives it a few pulls and I flash him a big grin. My hand continues pulling over his dick. He is smiling too. I step closer and bring them together with our hands around them. "Only with you, Jes-ee-ah." He lowers his eyes for some reason. "That's not the part of you that proves your love for me, Mike." I nod with understanding. "You'll have my heart for always." "Mine, too! But you can have sex with my uncle if you want." I'm startled that he's said that. I try reading his face but he's hiding the meaning behind his words. "He likes to get fucked," Jesse explains. "If you do him, it'll be easier to get his help when..." "No, Jesse." I am tempted by his offer but it isn't right for me to do that. Why does he want me to be with his uncle? We've consummated our love. Twice. I remember the joy from fucking him earlier. "Mike. You have a strange way of thinking about things. I know that you like my uncle and you've already fucked him." "I didn't cum!" "But you could of," whispers Jesse. "I won't feel bad about it." I let go of our cocks and grip his slim shoulders. I'm staring into his eyes. They reveal something he's been trying to keep from me. His shame? No, fear! I'm sure that it's something he thinks I won't like to know. Jesse launches his arms around me, burying his face in my neck. I hold him close. "You will always love me, Mike?" "Yes. Of course." "Even when I tell you..." I hold my breath. Jesse's arms tighten around me before he speaks. "Ron..." My eyes shut tight when I realize what he's about to tell me. Anger fills me. That man shouldn't have used him for sex! Jesse trembles in my arms. "It's okay. You don't have to say anything, my love." "I have to do you can understand why I want you to be with my uncle." I'm startled by his words. I wasn't expecting him to say that. "But why? I'm in love with you!" "Having sex with someone else doesn't mean that you're betraying their love. I know that your heart is for me." I'm not agreeing with what Jesse is trying to tell me. I reach down for my underwear and pull them up. His arms loosen around me. I'm rushing to get my jeans back on. I grab my jacket and walk towards the door. Before opening it, I wait for Jesse to cover himself. "You have to know how it is!" he pleads. "They helped me realize that I was like them. Being gay. After catching them in bed, we talked about it and I was allowed to watch them the next time they made love. I've seen them doing it lots of times. It was very beautiful." I'm shaking my head. I don't want to hear more but I can't help myself. My hand pulls away from the doorknob. "I shared in their joy, Mike, to learn that it's okay to be gay." "Did you have sex with them?" I ask in a loud voice. Jesse stares at me for a moment then lowers his eyes. I'm feeling dead inside. "Not with my uncle because that would be incest." In a softer voice, "With Ron then?" Jesse slowly nods his head. "He was using you, Jesse." "I know. But it's not like that! You don't understand, Mike." I'm dropping to the cold cement with the door against me. My eyes close. Jesse rushes to kneel in my lap. I grip his folded legs. Really tight. He continues to explain even though I'm shaking my head. "Ron loved my uncle. He really did because I could See that inside him. I let him... show me how it felt. Not for love! I was aching inside and he helped release that in me. My uncle wanted him to." "He shouldn't have let Ron be with you. Not if he loved him, and if he really cared about you, Jesse." "That's why he allowed it, Mike. I knew you wouldn't understand." I see tears running down Jesse's face and my heart aches to see his pain. I'm reaching around his back. He sobs in my arms while holding me tight as if never letting go. I begin crying too for what's happened to Jesse and my feeling of loss. He wants me to be with his uncle. I don't want to love him! "I'm not... asking you to... Mike." Jesse is sobbing hard. His voice breaks up so I can't catch the other words spilling from his mouth. "Shh. You don't have to tell me anymore." We clutch each other for a long while. My tears end. I'm left feeling stunned, my heart as hard as an oak tree. I still love Jesse but my head cannot accept what he's been trying to tell me. It doesn't make sense. I'm struggling to my feet with Jesse in my arms. We've been in the garage too long so I don't want his mother to be wondering about it. Without looking at him, I open the door and walk outside. I'm feeling cold, and not because of the weather. After shedding our outer clothes in the hall, Winna leads us to the bathroom while commenting on how nice her driveway looks. I give her a feigned grin. Jesse has given me cautious glances. I've avoided his eyes. I'm offered to take a shower first. My hands go through the motion of cleaning myself, the hot water feels nice but it can't melt my frozen heart. I'm not feeling anything. That's not true. I've been controlling my anger that bursts out of me when the soap slips from my hand. I drop to the tub and cry. The shower drones out my loud sobs. I'm hurting bad inside. Now I know why Jesse wants me to have sex with his uncle. He's feeling guilty about being with Ron. How could Running Water have allowed that white guy to have sex with Jesse? Did he... fuck him? I'm banging my head against the tile. I think he did. Jesse's butt was used to taking stabbed so that's why my cock didn't hurt him. He even told me to put spit in him like Ron probably did before fucking him. How many times have they done it together? A darker thought strikes me. Did he infect Jesse? I grab the soap and angrily rub it between my cheeks. I'm pushing out Jesse's cum from my hole. Have I been infected with AIDS? I cry out. "Oh, God! Please let that not be... for both of us!" I'm sitting in the tub for a long while until the water turns cold. When I step out of the shower, my clothes are missing. They've been replaced with a pair of tan overalls, shirt and black socks. No underwear. I'm putting them on and dread having breakfast with them. I want to rush back to my trailer, pack all my belongings and leave Havre. Jesse meets me outside the bathroom. His seeking eyes catch mine. "Mom is washing our wet clothes. Those were my dad's." I look down at myself. That explains why the shirt is too big for me; I had already guessed it couldn't have been Jesse's because he's so slim. His dad's overalls fit. Kind of. When I walk, my butt feels a breeze. Jesse steps into the bathroom after giving me a quick glance. It pains my heart that I've not said anything to him. I'm forgetting my plans about running away. I do love him! I'll forgive anything that he's done with Ron but he has to tell me about it. Why it happened. Tears fill my eyes when I realize that I'm not Jesse's first lover. I had been saving myself for the right guy. Ron already had Running Water so why did he also take Jesse? I wipe my eyes before going into the kitchen. Winna is cooking up some eggs. A plate covered in several layers of napkins holds strips of bacon. My mouth waters. Yet I'm not feeling that hungry. My heart aches me too much. "You can give me a lesson after breakfast," asks Winna. I nod my head. "Later, you can come with us to Chinook if you want. We are having our monthly get together and I'd like to introduce you to my tribe. You've been a big help with Jesse." "A powwow?" Winna smiles. "You could call it that. It's a meeting. You've wanted to learn about our culture and that's a good start. I want my People to see you, Mike. To know that not all ah, white folks are..." That was awkward. I see a pile of dishes, cups and silverware that she's piled on the counter. I'm taking them to the dining room. It takes several trips back to the kitchen carrying it all. I stand beside Winna when I'm done. She scrapes the scrambled eggs into a bowl then rushes to remove cornbread from the oven. "Mike?" I look at the woman, dreading what she might say. "Is something wrong?" I'm opening my mouth but it's nothing that I can tell her. "Did Jesse do something to get you mad?" "No!" I blurt out. Her eyes flare so I'm quickly saying, "It was really cold outside. I'm tired. That's all." Winna reaches for my shoulder and looks at me. "My son has really fallen for you, Mike." Does she know! "Your friendship means more than you can know. It's brought him out of his shell. His teachers have seen this change in him already. He's talking, behaving well in class and it's like he has a reason to learn." "What do you mean?" I know that Jesse is a bright kid. Shy though, because of his autism. He's missed a few days of class when he fell sick. "Mike. You are the first person outside our family who he's talked with. In English! He'll say a word or two to his teachers. Not in sentences like I've heard when he is with you." "What?" I'm shocked. Jesse didn't seem that closed to me. Then I recall meeting him for the first time in class. He didn't speak a word to me and wouldn't shake my hand I'd offered him. Only when his mother commented that my trailer was where Mr. Earlman had stayed, Jesse spoke. To tell me that he died there. "You didn't realize that?" she asks. I'm shaking my head. "He seems pretty normal to me, Mrs. Winnapah. We've been talking a lot. He's pretty good with the computer and I think that's the key to bringing him out of himself." "He's been using the computers at school for several years now. It's you, Mike. I don't know why but he feels a connection with you. Maybe because you're nearly the same age, shared the same pain of having your parents divorce and he sees himself in you. You're a very good person, Mike." Guilt fills me. I'm dropping my eyes when I remind her, "I blew it on Thursday. He became sick after I'd sent him home." "No. I think that's because he opened up to you about his father. He's not talked about him, not even to me. I know he's hurting inside. How did you get him to share his pain with you?" I feel Winna's eyes on me. She wants to know why Jesse has opened up to me but I can't tell her! I'm feeling scared that she might guess. There's something I can say to explain it. "When I was very young, I used to be like Jesse. I've already told you about that." Winna nods. I'm reluctant to say anything more but the woman is staring at me, as if to glean our hidden secret that she has felt but as yet does not suspect (I hope). "Your son can see inside my head. He wants to find the path that will lead him out to the real world." Winna breathes in sharply. She stares at me with fear in her eyes. I'm nodding to confirm that I know about Jesse's ability. "Mike. They'd take him away from me to learn how he does that." "I'm not going to tell anyone! I swear, Mrs. Winnapah." I remember watching a movie about a little girl who could cause fires with the power of her mind. The Government took her to a lab to learn how she did that. I don't want that happening to Jesse. "I've been trying to protect him from that, Mike. Hiding his ability." In a small voice, "You can't keep him in this house for the rest of his life. He needs to grow up and get out into the world." Winna doesn't say anything but I feel her concern about what I've said. It's angered her. I feel her eyes glaring at me. They're too hard to ignore so I meet her gaze. My voice trembles when I say, "It is a difficult responsibility. For both of us. I'll try not to let him down, or you." "You... are a wonder, Mike. I would like for you to meet with Jesse's grandfather after today's meeting. He can explain things to you." "We've already talked." I'm regretting those words out of my mouth. "You have?" gasps Winna. "What did he tell you?" I close my eyes because this is becoming difficult. Her hand squeezes my shoulder. "Please Winna. It's something I can't talk about." The woman nods her head. "Okay, Mike. You've proven that I can place my trust in you." I turn away as if I've been slapped in the head. Jesse enters the kitchen. We both turn to him abruptly. His face becomes tense and I fear for him. That he'll suspect I've told his mom about us, causing him to blurt out our secret when he doesn't have to. I rush to him, taking his hand in mine and I Think about what we were discussing. I Send him my love. Jesse slowly smiles. I feel the darkness that was covering his heart lifting. I'm still upset about what he's told me in the garage but this I do know. I have accepted him as my lover for better or worse. We'll work through our differences concerning his uncle and what Ron did to him. Winna carries dishes of food to the dining room. Jesse and I help her. She lights the three candles and after we bow our heads in silent prayer, we eat. Jesse keeps looking at me. I smile but inside me, I'm feeling hurt; confused about his strange notions that I reject. Ron and his uncle had put those in his head. They shouldn't have let him watch them making love. That lowered Jesse's inhibition about sex and Ron took advantage of him. I shovel more eggs into my mouth. I'm not really tasting them and am further dismayed not to have a glass of milk to drink; just water. The cornbread is good and I like the bursts of corn bits. Winna has been looking at me. Lovingly. Like I'm her son or something and guilt fills me. If she knew the truth about me and Jesse, it would break her heart. Better that than to learn what her nephew had exposed her son to. I am really hating Ron for what he did to him. After breakfast, Winna starts clearing the table. Jesse heads for the front room and he looks back to see if I'll follow him. I do. We both drop down to the couch. I see my laptop on the coffee table but don't reach for it. Jesse notices. He glances down the hall then turns to me with timid eyes. I grip his arm. "I don't want you to be mad at me, Mike." I shake my head to assure him that I'm not. In a whisper, "They shouldn't have..." My voice chokes up. "No. I needed to learn what it is to be gay." "Talking about it is okay, Jesse. But they had sex with you!" Jesse shakes his head. "Not my uncle. He and I... can't. It's taboo." "But you did with Ron. I know that you're old enough under the law but you are still young minded. He took advantage of you! What they've told you about being gay is wrong. You don't have sex with anyone except the one you love. That's why I am not going to be with your uncle even though you'd let me. I only want to be with you, both in heart and..." I look down at my crotch. A feeling of betrayal comes over me. I'm not Jesse first love. Ron was! If he hadn't died, they would still be together. Jesse's eyes fill with tears. I feel my nose paining me when I'm trying to keep myself from crying. He grabs my left hand. Squeezes it while staring at me really hard. I feel a prickling inside my head. A flash of insight comes to me that he didn't feel anything strong for Ron; only to learn what sex felt like and to give his body relief. I'm startled. Jesse sent his thoughts in my head the same way that he can read mine. "I didn't love him, Mike." The truth. I can feel that from him and it helps put my heart at ease. "Why do you want me to be with your uncle?" I gently ask. I've suspected that it comes from guilt. "Because. He needs someone. And because of Ron's ring that he wanted to come to you. I've felt your attraction to my uncle. He can be what I can't do for you." "What can he do for me?" "Teach you to be gay." "I don't need to learn that from him, Jesse. We are together now and we'll learn what love is. He would only confuse things. I'm already hating myself for... what I did with your uncle. It shouldn't have happened!" Jesse shakes his head. "But it did. Think of how bad he's feeling when you gave Ron's ring back to him." I remember the haunted look in Running Water's eyes when I did. He wasn't expecting that from me. "I'm feeling your fear, Mike. That if you were to have sex again with my uncle, you'd not love me anymore." "No. I'll always love you, Jesse. That means we commit ourselves to each other. Completely. You are the only man I want." He's not looking at me so I'm grasping his shoulder. "Your mom has asked me to tutor you. I'm going to do more than show you how to use the computer and teach you how to write. Listen to me! Your uncle used bad judgment by allowing you to watch them making love. What Ron did was wrong! They should have only talked with you about it. What it means to be gay and even then, I don't agree with some of the things they've told you. If we're going to be a couple, you have to respect my judgment in this." Jesse glares at me. I see his anger but also his great fear that I'd leave him. "We'll try to put this behind us. Okay? I swear that I'll only be with you." I'm closing my eyes to concentrate on those Indian words he'd spoken to me earlier. "Ne stoa pin jeh ahne, Jes-ee-ah." "Ah, Sah-kee-otokan." I smile. Jesse has called me by the Indian name he's given me. He drops his head against my chest. I kiss his soft hair. My eyes close when I'm breathing him in. 'I love you so much!' I feel him answering me in my head. Winna is heard coming down the hall. Jesse pulls away from me and I put on a plain face. Our eyes meet for an instant of longing for each other. I blow him an airborne kiss. He grins. I'm reaching for my laptop. Jesse gets up from the couch to give his mom his place beside me. She sits down, taking up more than half of the space. Winna is a big lady. Windows XP is started and we wait for the desktop to appear. I feel something odd from her when I'm given a kind of look that makes me feel naked as if she knows something I've been hiding from her. Can't be about Jesse and me. That would make her mad. No. I can't fathom what it is so I'm quick to get MS-Word on the screen. I spend the next hour with Winna reviewing my lessons from class. She writes things down in her notebook from time to time. In English, I notice. Jesse is watching television. Winna tries not showing her frustration with using MS-Word. I am being patient with her but she's not doing well. Beyond her being generally afraid of the computer, she gets confused about which buttons to click to do things. And she doesn't follow through on procedures like trying to underline words or changing the font size. I keep reminding her that the text needs to be highlighted before making those changes. My glide pad is also proving hard for her to use. I'm regretting not having a mouse. I've been fidgeting because of the clothes I'm wearing. They're too big for me. Jesse had said they were his dad's. The shirt is okay. What bothers me is not wearing underwear so the overalls feels rough against my butt. My cock keeps sinking down between my legs. That's very uncomfortable. I can't pull it up with the woman at my side. We struggle through MS-Word for a while longer. There's a loud buzz coming from the back of the house. Jesse launches from his chair and runs out of the room. Winna turns to me. "Your clothes are done drying." "Thank you." Winna gives me a good look and covers her mouth when she laughs. I reach down between my legs and quickly pull my cock up into a more comfortable position. She noticed. "My husband was bigger than you, Mike." "Not much. I appreciate you washing my clothes for me." "That's the least I could do for helping Jesse shovel my driveway. I want you to look good at the meeting." I'd almost forgotten! My first powwow though I doubt there will be dancing, harsh Indian chants or booming drums. Probably more like a town meeting. Winna carefully hands me the laptop. I can see in her eyes that she's had enough for today. I shut down Windows and place my computer on the coffee table. "May I ask you something, Winna?" She nods her head. "Where is Jesse's dad?" I don't want to come right out and ask if he is dead. "We don't know. Sometimes he writes a letter from somewhere on the road, calls or sends a card but not for a long time now. I know that Jesse wants to hear from his dad. He's hoping to get a birthday card from him in July." "The 20th," I half mutter to myself. "Yes. That's Jesse's birthday." I notice the unspoken question on her lips. "My birthday is June 11th. I'll be twenty-six." "You're almost two years older than my son. Do you have family, Mike?" "Yeah. My parents live in Gary, Indiana. I have an older sister named Sarah who lives with her husband in Ohio. They've been married for almost six years but no baby has come to them. They're trying." That was really stupid of me. "Do you have your heart set on anyone?" the woman asks. I'm nodding my head. Jesse runs into the room with my clothes in his arms, saving me from his mom's further questioning. I rush up from the couch to get them. To my utter embarrassment, the pants I'm wearing falls down to my ankles. I pull them back up with my face burning. Luckily, Winna only saw my butt. Jesse laughs. His mother scolds him but I am smiling. It's not like he hasn't seen my cock before. I'm given my clothes and head for the bathroom. I flare my eyes at Jesse when it seems like he might follow me. He returns to the chair he was sitting in when watching television. I'm glad to be getting into my own clothes. The underwear feels good but my new jeans have shrunk some. They're a tight fit around my waist. I note the tall mirror on the bathroom door. I'm viewing myself in it. My butt is really noticeable in the tight pants. I give it a hard slap and laugh. I'll have to keep my shirt out so that I can breathe easier. My eyes roam over the reflection of myself in the mirror. I think that I'm handsome looking. Does Jesse think so? My eyes look tired with a faint dark line beneath them. I recall what Jesse has named me in his Indian language: 'Sah-kee-otokan'. My sandy blond hair is short. When I return to the front room, Jesse runs to me to grab his father's clothes from my arms. He sits down in the chair, holding them to his chest. I can't tell if that's because they were his dad's or because I was wearing them. I sit down beside his mother on the couch. "I'm not a very good student. Am I, Mike?" I release a sharp breath through my nose. "What do you use the computer for at work?" "My boss has me typing a lot of letters. It's a construction company so we send out a bids on projects we'd like to win." "Are they the same kinds of letters?" I ask. "For the most part." "I'm sure you're a fast typist, Winna, but have you considered making a form letter." "What's that?" she asks. "Well, it's a letter with the same wording you would be typing over and over again on a typewriter. With the computer, you only need to bring that form letter up on your screen, change the address, date and other information such as your bid estimate. The rest of your text stays the same. Sure would save you a lot of work." "I didn't think about doing that. Thank you, Mike." I'm glad. Now, Winna will feel that we've gotten something out of our lesson together. The telephone rings and Jesse runs to the kitchen. I slip my laptop into its bag. A smile comes to my lips when remembering what else is in there. Sure hope the garbage bag will keep it from smelling too much. Jesse runs back into the front room. He talks to his mother excitedly, in Siksika. Sure has me wishing that I knew how to speak Blackfoot. "That was his uncle," Winna explains. "He's coming over in an hour to take us to the meeting in Chinook. It starts at one." I'm smiling, but cringing inside at the same time. Running Water is going with us. I hope that he doesn't offer me to ride with him. I'm feeling really angry at him. He had let Jesse watch them making love and that led Ron to... I'm trying not to think about that. If I were alone with his uncle, I might just explode. I glance at the clock above the television. It's almost noon. Winna gets up from the couch and leaves the room. Jesse gets up from his chair. He keeps the remote in his hand when joining me on the couch. I notice his shy eyes. Jesse flips through the channels. Mostly news programs are on. I reach my left arm around him and he turns to me, smiling. I wet my lips. His expression changes to one of longing. He rushes to kiss me. My heart swells with love but I'm gently pushing against Jesse's shoulder. We both glance uneasily down the hall. "Don't worry. Mom is preparing lunch." We kiss some more, often looking out for his mom. I dare more by wrapping both my arms around Jesse's neck. His soft hair is felt against my palms. He holds me closer, sticking his tongue in my mouth. We grow passionate. I feel a swift rising to my cock. We pause to take in breaths. I ease myself away from Jesse when I'm about to ask him some things. He cringes from my stern look. "I know. You're going to ask me about Ron." I'm nodding my head. "Jesse. This is really important. Ah. Did he do anything with you that could have been unsafe?" "You mean AIDS?" "Yeah." Jesse releases a tense breath through his nose. "Ron told me that he went and got tested. He's negative." Relief fills me but only for a moment because Ron could have lied about that. "Can you tell me what he did with you?" "Okay. But please don't get mad at me, Mike!" "I won't. It's not your fault, Jesse. Just tell me everything he did." Jesse leans back into the couch. He grabs my left hand and squeezes it really hard. A few deep breaths are taken before he speaks. "My uncle started a job that had him working real late. He couldn't pick me up from school so Ron did. We'd go back to his trailer for a few hours. My mom gets home at around six so I'd walk home before then." Jesse closes his eyes. I wait for him to speak again but he doesn't. "What did you do with him during that time?" Another big breath. "We mostly watched T.V. Sometimes he helped me with my homework. I didn't talk with him much. Not from being shy, I just couldn't come up with words to say. Not like when I'm with you." Jesse's mother was right. He has a problem speaking with others. "I did talk with him some. Mostly about what it was like being gay. I'd already seen them making love a few times, wishing I could join them." "Did you?" "No. I'd once gotten out of my clothes to lay in bed with them when they were really going at it but my uncle yelled at me. He said that I can only watch." "Why did he even let you do that? I sure wouldn't want anyone looking at us when we're naked." "He wasn't sure if I was gay. I knew they were so by letting me watch, that kept me from telling my mom because I'd get in trouble too." "You did something with Ron." Jesse's breaths are trembling. "I asked Ron what it was like to make love with my uncle. I'd seen them having sex, kissing and the joy on their faces but I was curious about what that felt like. He told me that I was gay because he'd seen me getting hard while they were doing it. He asked me how often I beat off." Jesse has already told me that he doesn't. That makes him really horny. Vulnerable. "Ron was horny too. He'd only see my uncle on the weekends because of his night job. When I told him that I don't handle myself, he offered to show me how. That led us to being together." I notice Jesse's dreamy grin. It pains my heart! "Mike. I never loved him! His heart was already stuck on my uncle and he always told me that whenever we had sex so I wouldn't get confused about what we were doing. It felt good coming out from my dick, and to have him cum. That's just being gay. We were only seeking relief." I squeeze Jesse's hand. "Please tell me what sex you've had with him." He's admitted that Ron came out. "Okay. Ron would lie naked in bed with me. I wouldn't touch his body but he would massage mine. My arms, back and legs. That felt good. Then he'd pull over my dick to get me to come out. I couldn't get sucked by him because that's too ticklish!" "For me too." Jesse laughs nervously. We look at each other and I see his face becoming tense. He has something more to tell me and knows that I won't like hearing it. "After that first time to show me how good it felt to beat off, Ron wouldn't cum. His cock was hard but he didn't do anything sexy with me. He said that was for my uncle. I think he got himself off afterwards when I went home." I'm nodding. Fear grips my heart when Jesse's eyes close really tight. "I knew that Ron missed being with my uncle during the week. Especially when he was away to partake of a rite with grandfather in late October. It lasted through the weekend. "I went over to Ron's that Sunday. He was feeling really horny from not getting together with my uncle. It started out with him pulling over my dick but I asked if he could try sucking me again. He did. It felt good but I couldn't come out so I turned around. Ron started kissing my butt. That felt really good." I'm trying to keep my mind blank so Jesse won't feel my growing dread. "It's my fault, Mike! I let Ron get too excited and that made him want to fuck me. I'd seen my uncle having that done to him. I wanted to know what it felt like and I told him so." Tears are running down Jesse's face. I reach over and wipe them away. He's not feeling that Ron used him because he wanted that man to fuck him. How many times did they? "I don't know, Mike. After that first time, Ron would suck on my dick and I was even able to come out once. I'd turn around to let him get off. He'd kiss my butt really deep and stick in me. It hurt a lot for the first few times. He'd pull out at the end." "Did he always, Jesse?" "I wanted him to finish in me. Okay! It was my fault so don't blame him. He tried using a condom but that hurt me too much. I was getting used to him fucking me so once, when I knew he was getting close to cumming, I reached back for his butt. I held him so tight that he couldn't pull out." My heart sinks. Ron did sperm in him and that is dangerous. "I know. But he told me afterwards that he tested negative so from then on, Ron would cum in my butt. I wanted him to do that." "Did your uncle ever find out that the two of you were having sex?" "No. Ron died soon after that. I've never told my uncle what we did." A dark thought comes to me. Maybe Running Water did find out and he... "No, Mike! We know that the police had shot Ron." "What!" "That's why my uncle is mad at them and why he didn't go to get his belongings from Ron's trailer afterwards." "Do you know why they killed him?" My voice is trembling. "I don't, but I think my uncle does." Jesse blinks tears from his eyes and when I offer my arms to him, he rushes to hug me. I'm shooing him. That's when I notice his mother watching us from the hallway. Fear squeezes my heart! I'm holding Jesse, thinking that this will be our last moment together. When I dare another peek at Winna, she is gone. I'm holding Jesse for a long time. I don't mention anything to him about his mom because he must already know from reading my thoughts. He doesn't seem to be worried about it though. We slowly separate. Jesse isn't crying anymore but his eyes are red. "I'm going into the kitchen. Try to explain things to your mom." "You aren't going to tell her!" "Of course not. But I have to explain to her why you were crying." Jesse gives me a puzzled look. He reaches for my hand and squeezes it. I see his eyes widening. "Oh. I didn't know she was watching us." "That's why I'm going to talk with her." "What are you going to say, Mike?" "Something about your father. That you were telling me about him and that made you cry." "Okay. Tell her that I was remembering him because of his clothes that you were wearing. That time he got really mad at me for running around half naked when I was eleven." "Tell me." "My friend Edward, he used to live next door. We were playing cowboys and Indians in his front yard. I stripped down, wrapping my pants around my waist like a breechclout. My father saw us playing and he rushed over, using his shirt to cover me before he carried me back home. He beat me." "I'm sorry, Jesse." "Only my butt was showing. Edward wore his cowboy outfit that he'd used for Halloween. It was fun. We pretended shooting at each other and wrestled. I didn't know it at the time but my friend must have been gay too. His hand was often touching my butt." I can imagine what Jesse looked like at that age wearing his pants as an Indian breechclout. A bared chest and butt naked. I'd love to have seen him. "Mom will believe you if you tell her about that. My dad had gotten so mad at me. Not because I was half naked but because I was playing Cowboys and Indians with my friend. He was white." I'm deep in thought when getting up from the couch. I walk slowly towards the kitchen, trying to get my story straight for his mom. Winna has made sandwiches for lunch. I release a loud breath to get her attention. "Running Water is going to be here soon. Please ask Jesse to the table and we'll eat." I nod my head. I'm considering telling her about Jesse crying but she doesn't show anything on her face to prompt me. No anger, fear or any dark expression on her face so I decide not to talk about it. I'm turning from her to get Jesse when she says my name. Softly. "Yes, Winna?" "He's really opening up to you." I nod my head. "Jesse was telling me about that day when his father beat him." "I never let him hit my son again!" I don't know what to say so I'm walking out of the kitchen, down the hall and into the front room. Jesse runs to me. "Did she believe you?" "I only mentioned that your father had beat you." "He never did again." "I know. Your mom told me. She is very protective of you, Jesse." He releases a sharp breath from his mouth. "That's why it's going to be very hard to be with you, Mike." "If we take it slow, it'll happen." "When am I going to live with you in your apartment?" "What?" Jesse smiles. "You thought I was sleeping this morning but your thoughts were so loud they woke me up!" I remember making all those plans when Jesse was sleeping in my arms. How much did he Hear? "Your mom wants us to go into the dining room." "Good. I'm hungry!" We race out of the front room together. Jesse beats me to the table but only because he had a head start. We startle his mom who's holding a plate filled with sandwiches. He grabs one. I'm also taking a sandwich with a grin but I see Winna's frown. Oh. We should sit down first and pray or something. Lunch is eaten in silence. Whenever I glance at Winna, she smiles back and I'm feeling kind of guilty. Her kind words return to me. How she has placed her trust in me concerning Jesse. I don't think she suspects anything yet. My eyes drop from hers in shame. After the dishes have been cleared away, we go into the front room. Jesse is at my side with a big smile on his face when Winna shows me the drums hanging along the wall. "Choose one, Mike." For me to keep? Jesse grabs one. It's a single sided drum with painted glyphs over its face. I can tell that he had drawn those. He clutches a tom-tom in his other hand. Winna is waiting for me to choose. The three remaining drums vary in sizes and are unadorned. Not tall like I'd imagined Indian drums should be. They were crafted from natural materials of wood and thin cow's hide that has been stretched over the round hoop tightened by sinew. They're held to the wall by a looped deerskin thong. Very beautiful objects! I reach for a hand drum that's about the same size as Jesse's. Winna nods with approval. She takes down the smaller drum. I'm handed a tom-tom. "Running Water made yours, Mike." I'm looking over it with an odd feeling in my stomach. I turn to him. "And who made the others?" "This one I made," Jesse announces with pride while showing the drum in his hands. Winna smiles in a way that makes me realize that she's made her own. "And that large one?" I ask while pointing at the drum remaining on the wall. Jesse's bright eyes fade. "My dad's." "We'll be playing them at the meeting," says Winna in a rush. "Really?" There is going to be an Indian powwow today! I'm more curious than ever to be a part of it. Will they really let me? I look over Running Water's drum. It's almost two feet wide and when turning it over, I see that the sinew has been cleverly joined in a loop. Probably for where you place your hand. I'm glancing at Jesse. "It's easy to play! I'll show you." Jesse drops to his knees. I join him over the floor opposite him and watch how he's holding his drum sideways, slightly lifted over his legs. He grasps the small loop within while the stretched surface is facing his right. He starts beating over it with his tom-tom. A low booming sound. It resonates throughout the room. I'm listening a moment to learn the pattern. He's smiling at me, head nodding for me to join him. I grip my tom-tom (a carved wooden stick with the end padded in deerskin) and strike it. Boom... I try matching his steady beat. It's not difficult. Jesse's tempo increases but I don't miss a beat. Even when he changes the rhythm to a more complex pattern of strikes, some loudly punctuated and others that are soft. They follow a familiar pattern. Our hands fly over the drums as one. What a joy! After following Jesse's strikes beat for beat, I pursue a harmonic divergence. Two beats between his. He laughs with joy. Our rhythm becomes even more complex but I'm keeping up. A hauntingly beautiful song that I know comes from our hearts. We stare at each other intently. Smiling. At this moment, we are Connected in a way that shows our love. Our playing comes to an end. Jesse strikes his drum hard, three times with my hand following him exactly. A pause. We beat our drums once more together but softly. I'm feeling exhilarated from what we've just accomplished! Jesse reaches out to grasp my neck. His face presses against mine, laughing with utter joy. I join him. The echo from our song fades from the room. I turn to Winna and see that Running Water is standing beside her. What a look on their faces! I'm feeling naked under their gaze and realize that Jesse had held me in front of them. There are tears running down his mother's face. "That was very good," says Running Water. "You've played before?" "Sah. This is my first time," I answer. The man's eyes widen and I'm realizing that he's seen our love in the music. Did Jesse's mother hear that, too? I get to my feet. Jesse's face is smiling when I glance at him. "You've made a good drum, Running Water." I'm not looking at his eyes. "I will show you how to make a drum of your own." I'm nodding my head. Winna turns to her nephew and I catch something unspoken passing between them. A cold shiver goes down my spine. Jesse grasps my left shoulder. I'm afraid of what that's revealing but I won't reject his touch. I can't. The expression on my face is difficult to control so I'm turning away, going to where my jacket is hanging in the hallway. I put it on. I'm still clutching the drum. We go outside. Winna locks the door behind her before we walk towards the two pickups parked in the driveway. "They shoveled it this morning," says Winna. Running Water looks down the driveway and nods. He heads for his truck. I flare my eyes at Jesse when no one is watching. He's joining his uncle. I'm following his mother to her pickup. We drive through town with Running Water leading the way in his truck. Jesse is with him and I wonder if he'll spill our secret to him. Not that his uncle hasn't already guessed about us. Winna remains silent next to me. I've been glancing at her face. She concentrates on driving through the plowed streets but that's all I'm able to read from her. She must know! The way Jesse and me were playing our drums as one, our revealing smiles and when he held me at the end of our song, our love for each other had been revealed. I need to tell Winna that it's okay. "Mike... I've never seen Jesse this happy in a long, long time." I shut my mouth to trap the words I was about to speak to her. "There's something between the two of you. It's like finding a long lost brother or something and it's what Jesse has been missing in his life. You have brought him out of himself. Thank you, Mike." The woman is wiping tears from her face. I'm trying not to look at her but when she smiles, I smile back. Many conflicting emotions arise in me. Mostly guilt. She hasn't realized that we're in love beyond that of brothers yet I'm also feeling happy. I'd think she'd understand. I am very tempted to tell her about us. I can't bring myself to speaking. Winna also remains quiet. She has to watch the snow-covered road on the way to Chinook. Her pickup slips and slides over it. She's doing her best to follow the set of tracks left by previous drivers. Where's the plow truck? The roads improve when we enter Chinook. I hear Winna sigh with relief. We weren't in any real danger because Running Water's truck is only just up ahead if we'd gotten into trouble. I can understand why the people in these parts prefer driving a pickup versus a car. "This should be the last snow," assures Winna. "I was surprised by that storm because we were having such nice weather for Spring." "The winter wasn't bad either, until now," I comment. "I've been in Montana since late December and I was surprised by the lack of snow." "It was unusually warm," Winna answers. "Ah, Mike. When will you be returning to Indianapolis?" I've caught the tremor in her voice. "I'm not going back." "What about your job?" "I won't be returning to it." I've already made up my mind about that. "What will you do for work?" "Don't have to worry about that for a while. I could teach classes." Winna turns to me with concern. "I've made a lot of money from programming but I see now that it's not the life I want." Winna makes a turn into the Chinook community center's parking lot. I sense the woman's hope from what we've been talking about. She parks her truck beside Running Water's and I become bold. "I'm going to stay in Havre for as long as Jesse wants me to." I pull my door open and get out before Winna can say anything. The drum is held tightly in my hands. Jesse waves to me. I look at his uncle but there's nothing on his face to let me know if they've talked. We enter the community center through the main door. It's half filled with Indians. They're sitting in rows of chairs and listening to someone speak from the podium. A few turn their heads at us. Running Water grabs our drums and he heads for the stage while Winna finds us seats in back. I've been looking at all the people assembled here. They're wearing normal clothes but it's their brown faces and long hair (both men and women) that set them apart. I'm not the only White person here though. In front of us sits a mixed couple. The woman is blond haired and she holds a baby in her arms. Her husband is Indian. Before sitting down on Winna's right side, I catch sight of more White people. A man sitting alone, another mixed couple (the woman is Indian) and some teenaged kids. Jesse flashes me a grin behind his mother's back. I can't tell if that's to assure me he's talked with his uncle about us or what. I'm feeling kind of lonely without him at my side. It's warm in the auditorium. I'm pulling off my jacket and place it over the chair behind me. Winna and Jesse are doing the same. I glance at the big clock to the left of the stage. It reads 1:18pm. We've come here late. Running Water returns to us. I'm relieved when he decides to sit down next to Jesse. My attention turns to the speaker. It's an old man who, to my surprise, speaks in English. He wears three feathers in his long hair. I smile when noticing his suit and tie. Probably an Indian Elder. Someone stands up. A young man wearing a cowboy hat but it's adorned with feathers. He asks about the legal action being taken against the mine. The Indian Elder lifts his right hand to try calming the angry man. They speak briefly in Siksika. I remember watching that news report about Blackfoot Indians blocking the entrance to a mine because it was leaching heavy metals into the water. That was killing salmon in the rivers and creeks they fish from. Is that what they're talking about? A few more Indians stand up to protest. I feel the tension rising in the auditorium. The Indian Elder tries calming them, assuring everyone that the case is being brought to the State's Supreme Court for a Hearing on May 19th where he expects positive action to be taken. He cautions that the protests must not get out of hand. I realize that the man is a lawyer. To my surprise, I see a uniformed Indian rising from his seat in front. The Elder motions him to the podium. He greets the audience in Siksika before reverting into English. "This situation will get resolved," the policeman says in a calm voice. "We must give the Courts a chance. It does not help our cause to protest in an illegally manner." A pause. "Let them hear your angry voices but don't block the mine entrance. Otherwise, I will be forced to make arrests and that's something I don't want to do." I hear grumbling from the audience. Those who were standing return to their seats. The policeman, too. The Indian lawyer gives the podium over to an old man who I recognize. It's Jesse's grandfather. He-who-runs-up-mountains is his name. I can't remember how to say it in Siksika. He's a shaman of this tribe of Blackfoot whom I met to discuss Ron's ring. His grandson, Running Water, thinks that my finding it meant that we are to be together. I'm to walk in his dead lover's footsteps. That's not going happen because I love Jesse! The shaman raises his hands and utters an Indian prayer. I feel the earlier hostility in the auditorium change to one of benevolence. Many of the people are bowing their heads. I bow mine when seeing Winna doing so. After the silence, I see people looking around as if they're expecting something to happen. The couple in front of us stand up. I hear their baby crying so the man raises his voice when he speaks. He's holding his wife's hand, a white woman trying to shoo her child. His accent is strong but I understand his English. He announces the name of their newborn son: 'Star-on-the-horizon'. The other Indians are raising their hands and offering them congratulations. The shaman lifts his hands in their direction and speaks in Siksika. I think he's praying for the couple's new baby. The Indian man thanks him. They sit down with everyone around them offering them good wishes. To my surprise, I see Winna standing up. A shiver runs down my spine when she gestures for me to stand with her. I do so. All eyes are on us when the woman speaks. "This is Mike Yager. I want to tell you that he has a good heart and I accept him as my son." Jesse springs to his feet. Winna puts her arm around him and I feel her arm going around me. The people raise their hands towards us in friendly greeting. My eyes fill with tears. I'm feeling very emotional about what Winna has announced. Kind of embarrassed too, in a good way. We sit down after the shaman prays for us. I'm quickly wiping my face. Winna gives me a warm smile and I catch Jesse beaming at me. Even Running Water is grinning. I bow my head when the people sitting around us offer me kind words. Others stand up to make their announcements. I'm not paying attention, so wrapped up am I in my thoughts. Winna squeezes my shoulder. I see her turn to follow Running Water and her son towards the stage. A lot of people are going there. He-who-runs-up-mountains is standing on stage admits the drums everyone has brought. He has his hands raised over them in prayer. I follow Winna onto the stage and a drum is placed into my hands. The tom-tom, too. Jesse kneels at my side with a bright grin. There are at least twenty Indians on the stage with drums in hand. The shaman lowers his arms. He starts clapping out a beat. I see Jesse strike his drum and I'm beating my drum. Everyone is making a joyous sound. It's like thunder! An easy rhythm to follow but the power from it! No chanting though. He-who-runs-up-mountains walks around smiling at everyone. I feel his eyes falling on me. To my surprise, he grasps my shoulders so I stop drumming. Fear clutches my heart. Was I doing it wrong? Jesse stops beating on his drum. He sets it down before getting to his feet. The old man behind me gets me to stand. He leads us away from the others, towards the back of the stage. We slip around the thick stage curtain. I can still hear the drumming beyond but it's not as loud. The shaman leads us to the back of the inner stage and he bids us to sit. I'm glancing at Jesse. There's no readable expression on his face to let me know what's going on. He-who-runs-up-mountains kneels down before us. I'm next to Jesse with our backs towards the loud drumming. The old man looks at both of us. I feel like he's going to be performing a ritual of some kind. "I am hearing things about the two of you," the shaman says. "My grandson told me about your drumming." I glance at Jesse. He peers at the old man with respect. "You have given Mike a name?" he asks Jesse. "Ah. Sah-kee-otokan." "Hmm. Short Hair, have you given him a name?" The old man is looking at me. "Ah. I like what his mother calls him, grandfather. 'Jes-ee-ah'." He nods, thinking a moment before he speaks again. "In the old language, that name means 'Sees Within'. I think you do, Jes-ee-ah." I feel a prickling in my head. Jesse is thinking something to me but it's only a faint echo. I'm left feeling very anxious. From the old man's belt at his side, out comes a rattle. He raises it upwards for a moment. I'm startled when the shaman begins shaking it at us angrily like a snake that's about to strike. He makes sharp lines in the air above our heads, close to Jesse's left shoulder, my right shoulder and between us. His rattle never touches us. My heart pounds faster in my chest by the man's violent hand. Drums continue to beat behind us. Jesse scoots closer to me. I'm not sure that is a good idea but I'm also feeling a bit scared. I feel the urge to hold him. The rattling stops. He-who-runs-up-mountains' eyes grow wide as if from a revelation. "I see a strong connection between the two of you," announces the shaman. "Here." He touches Jesse's head for a moment then he touches mine. "Here," he says in a stronger voice when fingering the left side of Jesse's chest. The old man then points at my heart. I grow wide in the eyes. He knows! "And here." The shaman reaches down between Jesse's legs to touch his loins. His other hand covers mine. I'm feeling the urge to turn around to see if anyone is watching us. Jesse's long arm comes around me and I automatically hold him back. We stare at the wise old man. I'm searching for a sign in his cracked face that he'll accept our gay relationship. "Neetashpee owopspec essummissa ho apee, sah pah kaps jeh ah-eene." I don't understand what the shaman has said so I'm turning to Jesse for his reaction. He breathes in deeply. The old man speaks again. This time, in English. "These old eyes of mine have seen much," he explains. "To see love in others is always a joy. Do not feel shamed." Relief fills my heart. Jesse turns to me with such love in his eyes. I reveal what's in my eyes for him and we face the shaman with shy grins. His hands come to both our shoulders. He lifts his face and cries out. "Cristecoom! Nistoa pohks a pote ahghsee ah-eene, sah omape eh sah omape jeh ah-eene. Jes-ee-ah eh jeh Sah-kee-otokan, ahghsee! Teh cristoque eh cristequenats. Maex nahtoya, nah tohk ah-eene neetasta. Ah?" I feel Jesse becoming tense in my arm but when I turn to him, there's no fear on his face. Something sparkles in his eyes. It's as if the old man has revealed something important to him. "Ah, nah tose." The shaman is nodding his head at what Jesse has said. He takes a deep breath and speaks to us. "You are walking in the footsteps of others, my children. It a difficult path from what others will follow. Take heart! Your Connection strengths you to what will be." "Thank you, grandfather." Jesse then says something in his Indian language and the old man nods his head in response. I'm pulled up to my feet by Jesse. The old man embraces him for a long moment. His eyes come to me and I accept his embrace. A really tight one. When he stands back, I'm feeling something around my neck. A small bundle is hanging down against my chest. "Sah-kee-otokan. You to keep this bundle but open it when you know to." "What's inside it, grandfather?" The shaman laughs. "You will know." Jesse smiles at me like I've never seen him do before. Full of love that's less burdened, pure like the sun. He peers at my bundle for a moment then gives me a tight embrace. I'm hugging him back. My heart is so full of love for him, the more so because we've been given his grandfather's blessing. I'm no longer ashamed of being what I am! The drum beating returns to my ears. Jesse slowly lets me go and we follow the shaman back to the others. Winna glares at us for a moment when we take our places over the stage, drums lifting with tom-toms in hand. Our joyous pounding is added to theirs. I return the smiles from those around me. Indians, but we are all our Father's children in spite of the color of our skin, our different culture and beliefs. In this moment, I am one of them. I'm often looking at Jesse. He meets my every glance with a knowing grin. The drumming ends. I've continued to beat over my drum but waiver when noticing that I'm playing alone. Jesse rescues me. He strikes his drum loudly, a familiar pattern that I know not where from. I'm smiling in thanks to him. We play together as we did in his house, beat for beat. It is joyous! I'm feeling our Connection and that allows me to anticipate the increasing tempo, our complex rhythm that springs from my hand without thinking about it. The others join in. A chorus around our playing that is the heart of thunderous music. The shaman stands over me. His arms are raised upwards and he is smiling at the joyous noise. I look at Jesse. All my love for him is coming out of me through my beating hand. His hand answers me. Then I notice his mother's stare. Her widening eyes that prove she's gleaned our secret! Jesse stops playing at the same moment I do but the others continue. His face is tense when he turns from me to look at his mother. I'm feeling dread. The drums stop their beating around us. Silence. "Cristecoom!" shouts the shaman. "Eiii. Ogh tum ahghsee seh cristoa ohtokiss, neetasta? Nompah perug ogh tum, jeh ah eene." He claps his hands. A young man at my side points his tom-tom at me with a grin. I nod. Jesse is also given praise by those around him. He's smiling in thanks but I see the worry in his eyes. Especially when he peers at his mother. The powwow is over with. I'm getting to my feet with the others but I don't move from my place over the stage. Winna is leading her son away, a firm hand over his shoulder. I catch my lover's backwards glance at me. The pain in his eyes! My drum crashes to the stage. I rush to recapture it but the wooden hoop has been broken, like my spirit. Running Water rushes to my side. He says something to me but I cannot hear him. I'm led from the stage and through the auditorium but it seems to be in slow motion. A grayness fills my eyes... I return to myself when sitting in Running Water's truck. He's driving down the road. My eyesight is blurred from tears. I hear myself sobbing. Such pain in my heart! My face presses against the window, a terrible chill that creeps through my head, down into me through my chest, arms, legs... I fall into darkness. FREE OFFER TO MY READERS: 'Artwork & Stories' is a set of three Windows compatible CD-ROMS (or 1 DVD-ROM) that contains all of my story writings, boy/love stories written by other authors, jpeg images and mpeg movie clips of nude Indian men & boys, images of nude Asian men & boys, eBook versions of my out-of-print booklets ('Willow Bird' series, "Indian Boys at Play", "Bare Butt Brave", etc.), jpeg scans of illustrations to my Indian stories, and MS-Word 2000 'Art Cards' files that, with your color printer, reproduce a deck of cards depicting the illustrations from my Indian boy stories and nice pictures of Indian men & boys. To request a free copy of 'Artwork & Stories' with instruction booklet (specify if you want the 3 CD's or the 1 DVD version), send your email to me: ArtworkAndStories@HotMail.com Include your name, United States (only) mailing address and the statement: "I am over twenty-one years of age." A postcard will first be mailed with an address verifying number that you'll return to me via email before receiving 'Artwork & Stories'. After the mailing, your name and address will be erased from my records. 'Artwork & Stories' contain nude images of men & boys that are legal to view by adults in these United States. Other countries such as Canada and Japan forbid the nude depiction of the human form. Therefore, it cannot be shipped out of the U.S. - sorry. This product only works on a Windows computer. New material is constantly being added (jpeg images, story texts, movie clips, etc.). I will send free updates but only upon your request per the above procedure. In return, your donation to the Nifty Archive would be much appreciated. -Vince Water- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- End of file: NEWLOVE3.TXT The story continues in: NEWLOVE4.TXT