Date: Sun, 8 Dec 2019 23:52:47 -0600 From: Not Given Subject: Discovering Noah Part 1 Discovering Noah Part 1 By: Chaosmode Copyright: 2019 Introduction: This is a story about one boy trying to find out who he is, why he has the feelings he has for both other boys and girls as well. The story begins with a horrible event in his life that is the beginning of his journey. There are three main characters, but the heart and soul of the story beats around Noah going through the journey of discovering who he is and what it means that he likes both boys and girls. The first part here represents the start of the journey, we begin with an outside view from Nathan's eyes and transition over to Noah and then between the two of them, shortly after this the third character Sarah will come into play within the story as well. My goal with this story unlike my story Sam and Alex under the gay section is to explore what it means to struggling with realizing that you're not gay, or straight, but instead bisexual. The beginning of the journey is filled with a tragedy that leads to Noah and Nathan meeting as Noah's dad has recently married Nathan's mom but the two have never really met as Nathan is away at college. This story is a slow building of pieces, its got moments of sadness, moments of discovery, and generally character building pieces. There is erotica within the tale, but I am hoping that all of the pieces work together to form a cohesive story about relationships and finding out who you are. -Noah is twelve, Nathan is in college and 20 years old, Sarah who appears later is sixteen. If this offends, just remember this is a work of fiction, these characters only exist on this page not in the real world. If you don't want to read based on the ages I fully understand. That said, if you find this and you like it, or even love it letting me know is the best thing you can do. I write these stories because its what I like to do in my spare time. I just hope that this finds its audience and that whoever reads it loves reading it as much as I loved creating it. That said on with the story: Donating to Nifty makes sure that we can keep having creations like this in our lives just consider it if you can: http://donate.nifty.org/donate.html Chapter One. It took Nathan a moment to realize that the sound he was hearing over and over again was indeed his cellphone ringing and not something else. He groaned and rolled over, his hand rested on a warm back for a second and his mind filtered to last night, he couldn't remember the name of whoever it was that was in bed with him all he knew for sure was it started with an S. He remembered falling asleep after the guy had passed out from one too many drinks. Nathan rolled over again before grabbing his phone which had stopped ringing mercifully. The missed call had the name on the caller ID of mom and Nathan felt a small sense of dread wash over him. His mom rarely called on a Saturday. He sat up slowly on the bed and ran a hand through his hair looking down at the sleeping form on the other side of his bed. He pushed at his reddish brown hair making it sort of fall down on his head instead of pointing in all directions. The guy sleeping on the other side of the bed was more fair haired but he was clearly about as tall as Nathan himself. He slipped from the bed in just his boxers, his mind was hazy but it was clearing. He could remember a very drunken offer of a blow job, the sound of someone puking in the bathroom and then him offering them a place to crash. Nathan walked out of his bedroom and down the hall in his apartment to the bathroom. Now standing in there he could remember cleaning up after the other guy, he had been celebrating his twenty-first birthday Nathan remembered now. Nathan himself didn't drink, and not only because he wasn't legal at twenty, but also because he didn't like how it affected him when he did drink. He finished in the bathroom and then walked from his bedroom that joined the bathroom out into the living room. On the couch he noticed that Karen had crashed, he could remember her last night telling him that this guy was checking him out and was also clearly drunk. She had been drunk by then as well as she was trying her best to forget that Michelle had cheated on her a week ago. Nathan pulled the blanket back up over her and stepped out onto his balcony after grabbing his shirt from the chair in the living room where he had taken it off last night when he thought in the middle of making out with what's his name... that he was going to get lucky. Nathan sighed leaning against his balcony and called his mom back when she answered he said, "hey mom." "Nathan, there you are. I tried calling you a few other times this morning and no answer." Nathan looked down at his phone checking it and saw that indeed his mom had called three other times between the hours of six and now nine in the morning. "What's going on mom." His mom breathed in on the phone then said, "its Walter, I... well...he's sick." Walter was his step-dad he supposed, his mom had married Walter during Nathan's second year of college, she had met him on a dating website and the two of them were around the same age though his mom had been a teenager when she had her one and only kid and Walter had been older. "What's wrong mom?" His mom sighed deeply, "he's in the hospital, and Nathan I don't think he's got very long and I don't know what to do. They want to move him to hospice care, he's ready and I don't know how to tell Noah. It feels like I'm back four years ago all over again." Nathan felt sadness creep into him, he didn't know Noah at all really, he had met him just once at his mom's wedding a year ago. His dad had died when Nathan was sixteen, he had gone back into a fire to save someone and the building had collapsed on him. His dad had been a firefighter all of Nathan's life and he had always come home safe, then one day that was all over. That was when Nathan learned that his parents were indeed human and wouldn't be around forever. Two years before that he had come out to his parents and both of them had been supportive, his dad had actually felt as if it brought them closer together. Then that moment when he had heard when his mom had broken down as she held him and cried and he cried too. It still pained him to think about it and Nathan tried his best honestly to not. Over time it had gotten easier, he had found ways to deal with the loss. Mainly working through it himself, and with the help of his first serious boyfriend after the death Jordan. "I'm sorry mom." He said, not sure how to process this. A second husband leaving his mom even though it had only been a few years of them being together it was still the same thing, he was gone. "What happened?" His mom sniffed a bit and said, "its cancer, if they had caught it sooner maybe but he's too far gone now and hes ready but its not right." Nathan sighed and said, "what about the kid?" His mom breathed in a bit and said, "Noah? I'm going to take care of him, after his mom passed his dad was all he had, both of his parents were single kids and we talked about it. I don't want Noah to go into the system so I get custody right when Walter passes as his step-mom." Nathan swallowed a bit, he felt an ache in his heart for his mom. She had already raised her kid and now she was going to take on this whole new responsibility of raising another kid. "I' coming home." He said leaning out on his balcony looking out at the people going by on the street below. "I'll be okay sweetie, I just wanted someone to talk to really." Nathan shook his head even though his mom couldn't see him, "You're going to be in the hospital a lot and I imagine that the kid," why the hell couldn't he remember names today, "still has school and has needs as well as he'll be going through a lot of stuff and you can't be there all the time." His mom said, "I don't want you to worry about it Noah's a strong kid and you've got school and I know you're taking a job as well." Nathan said, "I'm on winter break mom, it started yesterday. I've got a whole month off of school. I'm coming home. I love you." "I love you too Nathan just don't do this because you feel obligated, I know that you've got things going on there in New York." Nathan said, "you're more important than what I have going on here mom. I'll see you tomorrow hopefully if I can get a flight." He said goodbye then and hung up, life it seemed like to throw you the punches and you had to find a way to roll with them. He walked back into the house and saw Karen sitting up on the couch a hand to her head nursing her hangover. "morning, who the fuck did I bring home last night?" Karen smiled, "umm Scott I think? Scotty? Something with an S..." She shrugged and rubbed her temple, "was he a good lay?" Nathan laughed, "I don't think I even got the blow job he promised me. Now excuse me I am going to go gently get Scott or Scotty or S named guy out of my bed and hopefully out of our apartment before noon." Karen yawned and stood, "if he's really cute be sure to get that blow job." "You're the slut Karen not me." Karen stuck her tongue out an said, "it takes one slut to know another one Nathan, oh speaking of Scotty.." Nathan turned to see the guy that had been sleeping in his bed. He was just a bit taller than Nathan's own six foot three, and he wasn't at all bad to look at as he walked out into the living room trying to get one of his boots on as he said, "sorry I've got to run it was great meeting you." As he finished pulling his boot on and walking out of the apartment. His shirt still only halfway on. Karen laughed and said, "yeah should have gotten that blow job." Nathan sighed, "fuck it, too late now. I've got to book a flight back to Texas anyway." Karen standing now said, "what are you doing going to Texas? I thought you were taking a job for the winter break? You're going to make me go home to my mom and Hank fighting for Christmas instead of us spending it here aren't you?" Nathan walking towards his bedroom to start packing as well said, "my step-dad is really sick and my mom needs some help with my step-brother." Karen walking into the bedroom as well said, "ooh step-brother? Is he cute?" Nathan pulling out some clothes said, "first off I have no idea as I've only seen him once a years ago when my mom and his dad got married, two he's eleven." Karen shrugged and said, "oh eleven can be cute very cute." Nathan said, "you're a pervert Karen." She smiled, "and damn proud of it. Well if you're going to the airport let me know when and I'll drop you off." She started back towards the door out of the room and said, "and let me know if you need anything else. I need some Starbucks, I cant believe you let me sleep on our couch my entire back hurts now. I'll be back later." Then she took off as Nathan continued to book his flight. As he finished with the booking he sat down on the edge of his bed and looked at his half packed bag. The day of his dad's funeral came back to him then, his mom barely holding it together, his arm around her shoulders. The other firefighters telling him how brave his dad had been, how lucky he was to have had such a wonderful great man as a father. All Nathan had thought of was that his dad shouldn't have gone back into that building. His dad though like most firefighters he knew put saving lives ahead of his own. Still he had been sixteen at the time, mostly grown but it had hurt that his dad wasn't going to see him become something more than just a teenage kid. His dad would never see him graduate medical school to become a doctor. This kid, Noah would have the same thing now. His dad would miss even more though, he would miss all of the big things in his son's life and that Nathan knew would hurt more than anything else. He finished packing and then texted his mom to let her know that he would be in tomorrow evening and then he texted Karen to ask for a ride tomorrow morning to the airport. The following morning he boarded the plane and tried his best to relax as he flew across the united states back down to Texas. Nathan had grown up in one of the various smaller towns that had been swallowed up by the city of Houston over the long years as it had continued to expand outwards. Now where he had grown up and his mom now lived with Walter was just another part of the huge metropolitan that was Houston. He landed around seven in the evening after a lay over and got an uber to take him to the house that his mom had moved into with Walter a year ago. He arrived at the house and got out of the car and dragged his bag behind him up to the small one story house that they had bought six months ago. He used his key as his mom had insisted even if he wasn't living here that he should still have a key. The house had stuff that his mom had decorated it with, her fingers were everywhere as he walked into the house and stood in the foyer looking around. Some stuff from when he was a kid was still in places, but most of it was new as his mom and Walter had started a life together getting rid of all the things that didn't fit into their new world together. As he walked in he saw his mom sitting on the couch, he stopped just looking. She looked years older, her eyes slightly haunted he knew by the passing of his father and now this tragedy as well. Her dirty blonde hair was more gray than he remembered as well. As he stepped in he saw the kid's head on her lap. Once when he had been younger his mom would do the same for him when he was sick or couldn't fall asleep. Her fingers were gently going through his hair, he did have a lot more hair than Nathan had or had ever had. He noticed that the boy had light freckles on his cheeks as well. The boy, Noah, was asleep, his eyes closed, he was Nathan decided a little small for nearly twelve, but it was hard to judge with a blanket covering him. He had a small soft face, a little rounded, he looked small and vulnerable on Nathan's mom's lap, and there appeared to be slightly dried tears on his face. Nathan sat down beside his mom and she smiled a bit and said, "thank you for coming home." Nathan gently put his arm around his mom's shoulders and she softly cried against him as her fingers still stroked the sleeping boy's sandy brown hair. Chapter Two. The sound of two birds chirping out of his window woke him, he almost sat up and yelled at them that they didn't get to be happy not when the world was this horrible. He wanted to open his window and throw something at the birds, but it wasn't their fault they didn't know that his dad was dying. Noah rolled onto his back and looked up at the ceiling fan that slowly turned. He watched it for awhile, just getting lost in the rhythmic movement of the blades as they twirled around over and over again. Going in a circle that never ended, like how loosing people that he loved seemed to be a thing that never ended. He turned on his side and stubbornly wiped at his left eye where a tear had fallen, when he had been six his mom had died, he barely remembered her honestly, the only thing he really remembered was that she had a nice smile and she had sung to him before he went to sleep. That was he supposed why he liked Beth so much, she kind of reminded him of his mom, or what he remembered of her. She had a really nice smile and she always hugged him too and she helped him with problems that he had. Noah could vaguely remember last night, Beth having him get up and come into his bedroom after he had fallen asleep on her lap while watching something on television. There were only so many times he could cry before he just couldn't anymore. It had hurt seeing his dad yesterday all those things tied up to him that weren't even helping anymore. The way that he had just not looked like his dad anymore but like someone who had an idea of what his dad was supposed to look like had just made this thing that almost resembled him but they had gotten some of the parts wrong. It had been surreal, but he had known it was his dad and that soon his dad wouldn't be here anymore just like his mom wasn't. Noah slipped out of his bed and walked across the hall to the bathroom in only his pajama pants. After he finished peeing he started back towards his bedroom and almost ran into someone. "Sorry!" It took him a moment to look up, the guy, his step-brother was a mountain, well not really he was just a lot taller than Noah himself. He sort of walked around him after apologizing and looking up at him. Nathan was shirtless too, but unlike Noah with no hair anywhere other than his head Nathan had hair down the middle of his chest, not a lot just some running down the middle of his flat well toned chest. "Its okay." Nathan said, his voice was deep but Noah felt like it might be kind. He knew from his dad that Nathan had lost his dad when he was younger too but at least his mom was still alive. No that wasn't fair, Beth was wonderful and she was taking care of him and was going to keep doing so even after his dad died. He supposed that Beth loved him and he knew that he loved her she wasn't his mom but she was the next best thing. Nathan, his step-brother sort of he supposed, continued on towards the bathroom and Noah walked down the hall and past the living room to go into the kitchen. He was pouring milk into his bowl of cereal when Nathan walked into the kitchen. Noah had only met Nathan once at his dad's wedding to Nathan's mom. He could remember thinking then that Nathan was handsome, nice to look at and all of that but he had just been almost eleven at the time. Now he was nearly twelve and a part of him knew that Nathan was more than just handsome but it was hard for him to understand what he liked about looking at Nathan other than his looks. Noah sat down at the kitchen table and put on an episode of the clone wars show as he ate breakfast. He had watched Clone Wars more times than he could remember, that and Rebels as well. It was something familiar like all of the other Star Wars stuff that he watched. Or he had re-watched Avatar about as many times, that show always kept him interested as well. Nathan sat down at the other end of the table and Noah was worried that he was doing something wrong watching television on his phone while eating breakfast. Nathan didn't tell him to stop though and after a bit Noah kind of forgot that he was there. He was aware too that he was paying attention to the show more than he was to his food and that his cereal was getting soggy in the bowl. He wasn't even really paying attention to the show, it was on and he was watching it but his mind was drifting to other things as it always did now. Three months ago his dad had woken up feeling tired and sick figuring it was just a cold but after a week and it wasn't gone he had seen a doctor and that was about when everything had changed. No one told Noah right away, that had come later and now his dad wasn't even in the hospital anymore but at a hospice and Noah knew what those places were for. Noah shook his head and decided to stop thinking about his dad. He had gone yesterday with Beth to see his dad, it was becoming harder and harder to go and see his dad. Each time he looked worse and each time Noah wanted to be brave and strong. He didn't want to cry in front of his dad, he just wanted to be strong for his dad and show him that he could handle this. Inside he was broken and felt lost and alone. Beth helped, at home she had held him and told him that he could cry if he needed to. He looked up from his bowl and saw that Nathan had left the kitchen. He knew that Nathan had dropped everything he had up in New York and come back down here for his mom. That showed Noah that Nathan cared about his mom, that probably showed that Beth had shown the same kind of care for Nathan as she did for Noah himself. That was nice. He rinsed his bowl out and started to unload the dishwasher so he could put it in there as the other dishes were clean. He was putting away some of the bowls when Nathan walked back into the kitchen. Noah noticed that Nathan had put on jeans and a plain dark red polo shirt. Nathan watched for a moment and then surprised Noah by helping him finish unloading the machine and then putting both of their bowls in the bottom of it before closing it. "Thanks." Noah said not sure at all what to think. Nathan said, "sure, how are you doing?" Noah shrugged a bit, he had only vague memories of Nathan as he had only met him once at the wedding. He knew that Nathan was in college to become a doctor but he didn't know more than that. "I'm okay." it was an automatic response, one that he had given to his teachers, to the school councilor to his dad's doctor, nurse, to his sort of friends at school. Danny doing it hurt most of all. I'm okay was the right response he figured as most people responded to it with a hand on the shoulder or a small sad smile. Nathan though leaned against the counter and said, "I was okay too, I mean that's what I always told people when they asked. Eventually it was just easier to be okay." Noah shrugged a bit and said, "I don't know what else to say." Nathan nodded, "I don't know what to tell you to say. If you feel angry or sad, betrayed, or hurt its all natural." He sighed just a bit, "see I asked you how you were doing because it felt like the thing that you ask someone when they're going through this kind of thing. People don't know what to say and I think they're all hoping you say you're okay so that they can feel good about themselves that they took a moment to see if you were indeed okay." Noah smiled just a bit, it was nice he realized that there was someone who had gone through this before, "everyone asks me that. I don't know how I'm supposed to be." Nathan resting against the counter still said, "my dad's doctor once told me that you're supposed to be whatever, no emotion is the correct one or the wrong one." Noah said softly, "even if its anger at the person who's dying?" Nathan touched his shoulder, "yes, even that is okay. I was so angry at my dad for quite a long while but I wasn't really angry at him for dying, just for leaving me and my mom." Noah looked down a bit, turning away from Nathan, "every time I see him I want to tell him that he shouldn't give up that he should keep fighting it keep trying... that I.." He stopped and wiped stubbornly at one of his eyes, "that I don't want to be alone. I know that Beth's here for me and that she's not going anywhere but..." He trailed off. Nathan squeezed his shoulder, "he's your dad, you've only known my mom for a year or so you've known him all of your life. You know he's probably all those things too, your dad is probably angry at himself for wanting to give up. I'm willing to bet that he wants to be there for all of your other firsts that he's going to miss. Sometimes we get dealt really crappy hands by life." Noah said, "yeah." He looked up at Nathan realizing that he could feel Beth in the way Nathan talked to him, "You're a lot like your mom." Nathan smiled, "well you seem like a nice kid and I remember being in your shoes. I was a little older but I know it didn't hurt any less." Noah wasn't sure how he knew but he knew that he could, he leaned into Nathan and Nathan gently hugged him and he tried really hard not to but he couldn't stop the flood this time. Nathan did hold him as he stood there in the kitchen with him and he cried. Noah cried for his dad, for himself, for Nathan a little too and Beth. After a bit he stepped back and wiped at his nose which felt all stuffed up as he said, "sorry." Nathan smiled, "its fine, I don't know if it will help or not but I'm going to go for a walk if you want to join me?" Noah thought about that, he knew that Nathan was subtly saying that getting outside might do him some good, if not for school lately he had just been inside the house playing games or watching shows trying his best to not think about his dad. "Sure I just need to change clothes." He ran back to his bedroom and pulled off his pajama pants and then pulled on some jeans, socks, his shoes then a long sleeved tee-shirt that was dark black and had Darth Vader on one side of it at the corner. Noah's walls in his bedroom were adorned with Star Wars stuff. He had toys that were from various different movies through the entire three trilogies and the other stuff too. Nathan was waiting for him and as the two of them started walking down the sidewalk there were other younger kids outside playing. Some kids riding on their bikes and others on skateboards. It was cool right now, but not really cold despite it being December, usually in Houston that was the way that it was during winter time. Noah was used to it and he knew that Nathan was as well as both of them had grown up here. Nathan said, "its strange not having to wear a thick jacket for winter." Noah smiled a bit, "what's New York like?" Nathan said, "its like nothing else really, I've only seen the city a few times though, I'm going to school outside of the city, although I guess when I get selected for a hospital when I start my residency I might get one that is in the city itself." They were walking around the street heading down to another one and Noah said, "I'd like to see it sometime. I mean I'd like to see a lot of things, like places all over the world really." Nathan said, "well when you're older there's not really anything to stop you other than finances but you can get around even those if you want it badly enough. What's a place that you want to see more than anything else?" "I don't want to see any place in particular. I just want to see the different ways people live or how different countries do stuff I guess, the history. I'd like to see things like the Great wall or Stonehenge." He felt nice actually walking outside and talking about something that wasn't his dad. It felt like a cheat or a distraction but maybe that was the point. Nathan was taller than him, and quite nice to look at Noah figured, he had this sharp handsome profile with dark reddish brown hair that was cut short and sort of framed around his head almost hiding his ears. His hair wasn't as dark red as Hayley's, but it was darker than Danny's. Danny and Hayley had been his, well something, but he didn't suppose either of them really were anything anymore since Hayley lived so far away now and Danny hadn't liked that Noah couldn't choose between liking a boy or liking a girl. Nathan brought him out of his thoughts when he said, "so you like history?" Noah shrugged, "I don't know I haven't figured that out yet, don't even know what I want to do other than see things, well I mean I know I like playing games, watching movies, and reading, and I like writing stuff but I don't think I'm all that good at it yet." He paused for a second and said, "my dad says that I'm full of questions but I have no idea what to do with them so I write them down and create things with them." It actually didn't feel all that bad to talk about his dad in this instance, it only hurt just a bit. "You should be, you're what eleven? In the sixth grade?" Noah said, "I'm in seventh, I'll be twelve in a week." "Sorry, seventh. Still I didn't know what I wanted to do when I was your age either. I do remember being obsessed with Harry Potter though, wanting to be able to do magic." Noah smiled, "that'd be pretty cool. I always liked Ron the best though, and not just because he was the funny one. He's not quite as funny in the books anyway and I like the books better." Nathan laughed, "yes I did too. I actually think that somehow those books helped me discover I wanted to be a doctor. I mean there's no real medicine in them or doctors since its all magic but somehow it made me interested in how real people were taken care of." They had arrived at the park that was in the center of the subdivision and Nathan took a seat on one of the benches. Noah sat down next to him not sure why they were stopping. "I wish that my dad's doctors had a way to make him better." Nathan touched his shoulder again, "one thing I learned studying to become a doctor and seeing what the doctors did to try and save my dad's life even though it was impossible with the degree of burns he took I can tell you Noah confidently that your dad's doctors have tried everything they could to keep your dad alive. If your dad told them to stop its because he doesn't want to keep going. I don't mean that he doesn't want to live or be here for you. I mean that he doesn't want you or my mom to keep watching him not get better and suffer even more. He's decided to move on to whatever comes after." Noah nodded and leaned his head on Nathan's shoulder, "I know that, I just wish that he wasn't." They were quiet for a while and then Noah decided he didn't want to talk about his dad anymore for now, "who was your favorite in Harry Potter?" Nathan said, "I was always a fan of Dumbledore honestly, the wise old wizard that knew everything. I had never read or heard of Lord of the Rings until after reading Harry Potter so when I first read it I thought that Gandalf was stolen from Dumbledore, until I learned that Lord of the Rings came first and it was the other way around." Noah smiled a bit and said, "my mom loved Lord of the Rings, that's one of the few memories I still have of my mom." Nathan slowly stood up and Noah followed him as he said, "I've got an idea." As they were walking back towards the house Noah said, "What kind of idea?" Nathan said, "that spoils the surprise." Noah sighed but followed him back to the house. "Do you need anything from the house before we go somewhere?" Noah shrugged, "no but where are we going?" "I told you that ruins the surprise." He walked into the house and came out a moment later as he said, "my mom left me the keys to the other car, and I just confirmed and its still there so I know we can go." Noah wasn't sure what was going on but he slipped into the passenger seat and buckled up as Nathan pulled out of the driveway. As they got onto the interstate Noah said, "you're really not going to tell me where we're going?" Nathan shook his head and Noah said, "maybe I should text your mom that you're kidnapping me." Nathan looked over at him, "Where's your sense of adventure? I thought you wanted to see the world?" Noah flushed just a bit and decided that yeah Nathan was handsome. He was also smiling as he said it and Noah wasn't sure at all what to thin about what was going on. "Okay but if I don't like it I am going to text your mom..." Nathan laughed, "you'll like it." After a bit they pulled off of the interstate and pulled into the parking lot of a movie theater. Noah looked up at the theater and Nathan said, "come on." Noah shrugged, he didn't know if he really wanted to see a movie or not. They walked into the theater and Nathan had them scan something on his phone and Noah said, "So we're going to see a movie?" Nathan said, "indeed, popcorn?" Noah shrugged, "its necessary, come on..." He led Noah into the line his hand on his shoulder guiding him into the line. He bought them a large popcorn and two drinks and then led him through the theater towards one of the screens. "Need to use the restroom?" Noah shook his head and Nathan led him towards one of the theaters. "I knew this theater would still be showing it, they constantly put on old movies on Sundays and I had a feeling that this one was showing this month since the new one comes out." The sign outside had just said Sunday Special. When the familiar fanfare started Noah looked over at Nathan and then back at the screen his eyes transfixed he had never seen this one on the big screen before. He sat there for the nearly two hours watching and when it was over as the credits were rolling Noah said, "that was really cool, I've seen the new ones on the screen but I haven't ever seen this one." Nathan said, "well now you have. I figured that you might be a fan." Noah flushed looking down at his tee-shirt and said, "yeah... just a little bit." Nathan laughed, "come on, we'll get some lunch then you can decide what we do." As they stood Noah said, "I could really use the bathroom." "Okay then we'll do that first then get some lunch then do something you decide." Noah nodded and they headed out of the theater. Nathan wasn't what he had expected at all... it sucked really that he was so much older than Noah he decided right there. Sucked that he couldn't kiss Nathan, like he had Danny or Hayley. Just like it sucked that Hayley had moved so far away when she had just kind of become his girlfriend. Most of all though even with all of that he just wished that instead of being confused about what he might or might not like that his dad would just get better. His dad dying sucked more than anything else even his own confusion on rather he liked boys or girls. He would stop liking both all together if it meant his dad got to live. Three. Later that night Nathan sat on the couch watching The Office, Noah had already gone to sleep after a pretty long day of ups and downs in emotions. His mom walked into the house looking exhausted. She came in and sat down next to him on the couch kicking off her shoes as she said, "how's Noah?" Nathan said, "he's really a sweet kid, I mean he's in a lot of pain but the person that he is well its still in there and he's kind of incredible." His mom smiled and said, "don't sell yourself short there Nathaniel." Nathan sighed, "I'm not saying he's more incredible than me mom, that would be quite impossible." His mom laughed an he said, "I wish this wasn't the reason why I was getting to know him though. That I had come home more and actually gotten to know him sooner." His mom rested her head on his shoulder, "he's a great kid, reminds me of you in some ways, but in others he's totally different. You're a homebody, he's an explorer. You're confident and he's quite shy." Nathan smiled, "he didn't seem all that shy to me." His mom laughed, "you're one of those people Nathan, the kind of people that others feel comfortable around even if they're not usually comfortable around people. Its why you'll be a really good doctor one day. You have an instinct like your dad to take care of people and it makes those that need to be taken care of feel comfortable and relaxed around you." She stood and stretched a bit, "now I need a warm bath and some sleep, between work and visiting Walter I am exhausted." She kissed his temple, "good night Nathan." "Night mom." He hugged her after standing up as well and turning off the television. He headed down the hall to his bedroom and stopped before the slightly open door to Noah's room. The boy's walls were covered in posters from the various Star Wars movies, more than a few from the newer ones. He looked at Noah asleep on his bed, the boys sandy brown hair was a little messed up now, the curls sort of going every which way. It had been an unexpected day and he had felt his heart breaking just a bit for this boy and he barely knew him. It brought all of his own memories back, the anger the sadness, the acceptance. He knew that Noah would get there as well eventually. It was more than that though he found himself being fond of Noah, almost like a kid brother, but not quite. Also he had to admit that Karen was right there was something to be said for the cuteness of eleven nearly twelve. Had he been that cute at eleven himself? Nathan shook his head and closed the bedroom door heading over to his own bedroom to get some sleep. Monday morning he woke up to the sound of an empty house. His mom had told him that Noah still had another week and a half of school left before the holidays. In regular school you got a couple of weeks, for some reason colleges gave almost a full month off which was nice but now alone in the house he wasn't really sure what he should or shouldn't be doing. In his apartment he would have probably gone out and hung with Karen which would have led to the two of them going to have some fun he was sure somewhere. Or he might have ended up like he was here at his mom's house sitting on his ass watching the office again for the hundredth or more time. Close to three in the afternoon as he was watching Meridith get hit by Michael's car in one of the most absurd episodes of the show the front door came open. Then it promptly closed hard and the sound of another door closed hard again back in the back of the house. Nathan thought about leaving it alone, that he was certain it wasn't something he could fix. Still he had found over the weekend that he did quite like Noah. They were from different worlds for sure just based on the close to ten years of age difference between them but he was going through something familiar. When his dad had died from the fire it hadn't been right away. He had been pulled from the wreckage and spent another fourteen hours of pain slowly dying while the doctors did do all they could to not keep him alive, but to let his family say goodbye, to let him say goodbye to his wife and son. That was the part that Noah was going through right now, the stage where he got to say goodbye but it wasn't as short as Nathan's own had been, the nature of the dying was different but it was still the same. It left you a little raw and small things hurt a lot more than they used to. Nathan let the show keep running as he got up and walked down the hall and stopped before Noah's door. He knocked once, "its open." He heard the boys small voice say. Nathan opened the door and looked at Noah. He was laying on his bed on his back, his head on the headboard. Nathan had only seen the room briefly but he had gotten a really good sense of who Noah was. He was clearly a kid who loved science fiction as it adorned almost all of his walls, he had toys from Star Wars but also stuff that Nathan recognized from Guardian of the Galaxy and even some stuff from Rick and Morty. "How was your day?" He asked stepping into the room and then surprisingly he found it easy to sit down on Noah's bed beside him as he asked. Noah shrugged a bit, "it was okay, I mean as okay as it can be." He sighed and Nathan said, "want to talk about it?" He touched the boys hand not for any particular reason just that he wanted to support him and could tell that Noah was a little frustrated. His fingers were smaller than Nathan's own but then again Noah was roughly a foot and a half shorter than Nathan and clearly smaller. He was almost five feet tall but not quite there yet. "Its just, they all treat me differently now. Since it got out that my dad is sick. I didn't want to tell anyone but I think one of the students overheard one of my teachers talking with the councilor and since then..." He trailed off and shrugged a bit. Nathan said, "how do they treat you differently?" Noah's hand rested with his still, the younger boy was actually sort of holding it as he sighed a bit and said, "they're all trying to be my friends, they're not really my friends, but they're pretending and saying how sorry they are and asking me if I want to do stuff with them when before all they did was ignore me." Nathan looked over at Noah, it was hard to believe that his boy was ignored by other kids, he had features that should have made him popular. His hair should have been one of those things that girls his age even a bit older would love, thick, slight curls on the ends, sandy brown with lighter highlights of brown filling in around darker ones. He had a very nice face for a boy his age as well, not sharp just youthful looking younger than his almost twelve years. If Nathan's eyes had been that color of dark green he knew a few guys that would have just looked at them forever, and those light freckles on his cheeks just barely visible under his eyes should have made either a boy or a girl Noah's age just adore him even more. He was very slender, almost a little too skinny for his frame, in a way he reminded Nathan of when he was the same age, how he didn't feel he belonged in his body as it was all long arms and legs and a bit too skinny for how tall he was growing. The boy would be five and a half feet before he left middle school but he'd still be a bit too skinny for his frame. It was strange to look at him and be surprised that this boy wasn't getting girls honestly. Looks though weren't everything, just because Noah was good looking it didn't mean that he knew he was, or that he had any kind of confidence. Personality played a big part as well and Nathan got the sense that Noah was a quiet reserved kid who didn't do well around others. Had friends but they were far and few in-between. Nathan said, "well what about your friends?" Noah said, "my only real friend is.. well was Hayley but she lives in another state now, she moved a month ago. Right before my dad got really sick. We talk but its not the same as it was. She was the only one who understood and would have hated how the others are all treating me now. Especially Danny Elson, if she knew that he was talking to me again and telling me how sorry he was she'd have called him the biggest faker ever." He sighed deeply. Nathan smiled, "seems like a really good friend." Noah said, "yeah, she was the best. So was Danny before...stuff changed." They were silent for a bit then Noah surprised him with a shift in conversation. "I wanted to ask you something but I was a little afraid to yesterday..." "You can ask me anything Noah, I'll try my best to answer it." Nathan could feel like this was something important to Noah, something that he had been thinking about for awhile. Silence again filled the room though and Noah's hand had moved out of his own as he said, "how did you know that you were... well gay?" Nathan was surprised by the question. Surprised because he thought for sure it would be about his dad passing or Noah's dad's sickness. He looked over at Noah, the boy was looking at him but when he looked Noah sort of looked down and away. After a moment Noah said, "I shouldn't have.... you don't have to answer it if you don't want to." Nathan said, "no its okay, I just wasn't expecting that question. There's no real easy answer to it. I didn't wake up one day and just say yeah I like boys not girls. I guess I first realized it when I was around your age. I was thirteen so a year or so older, and a couple of my friends and I had a sleep over and boys our age do stupid things sometimes I won't go into details or anything but the short answer is that there were two boys there out of the six that I found out that night I liked. One of them was my first kiss that night as he liked me too. Then after that a few other things as we learned about one another and what it meant to like other boys." Noah said, "like blow jobs and other stuff?" Nathan smiled and chuckled, of course he knew what sex was, the boy had grown up with the Internet even more than Nathan himself had. "Yes like that. Griffin and I were a `couple' for a little bit, but he decided to stop when we were in eighth grade. I knew though that I wasn't fluid like he was, I was stuck on one thing and that was the way it was when I entered high school. When I was a freshman I told my mom and dad that I was gay, they acted shocked but I knew that they had known for a while before I told them." Silence again then Noah after a bit Noah got to his own thoughts, "It was Danny, Hayley and I we were all friends and then one night Danny and I had a sleep over and I... well I wanted to kiss him and I thought he wanted to as well and we kissed but then when he saw me kissing Hayley a day later.... Since then Danny's been really mean to me, but I'm not... I mean I'm pretty positive I'm not gay... but I'm not straight either." He sighed and Nathan wasn't sure if he should say something, but then Noah continued, "I mean kissing Danny, seeing his penis... it turned me on, but so did Hayley... and I don't even know why I'm thinking about this kind of stuff when I know it doesn't even matter with my dad dying..." He trailed off. After a moment Nathan said, "life doesn't stop because someone you love is dying or has died." He slowly put his arm around Noah's shoulders, not sure why he knew to but he could tell that the boy was in need of that comfort. Noah rested his head close to Nathan's own. "you're at a confusing time in your life Noah. You're body is going through a lot of changes and what you like now you might find you don't like a few years from now." Noah sniffed, "That's what the councilor said, well not those exact words I didn't tell him that I liked both Hayley and Danny." He was quite again for a second then said, "did you ever try kissing girls? Or being with one?" Nathan smiled, "no, girls are pretty, but I'm not physically attracted to them." "Then you knew what you wanted when you were thirteen." Nathan responded not sure where the kid was going this time, "yes." Noah looked up at him from where he was on his shoulder, "then I'm pretty confident I know what I want too. Danny didn't understand when I told him I wanted to be with both him and Hayley that I couldn't choose between them because they both had stuff I liked, and I don't just mean physically though there was that too." Nathan said, "so Danny's mad at you not because you kissed him but because you're not gay?" Noah sighed, "yes, he likes boys and he wanted us to be together and then when he saw me and Hayley... well he got really mad and then Hayley moved away and now I've got no friends." he shrugged a bit and then went quiet. "Well maybe you and Danny should talk?" Noah shook his head, "no he's already found someone else he likes, and honestly well I... I think I'd rather just not focus on that right now with my dad..." Nathan noticed as he finished talking that while there was sadness in the boys voice about his dad there was also clearly a flush on his cheeks. Nathan said, "nothing wrong with that." They were quiet for a bit again just sitting there on Noah's bed neither speaking. Nathan wasn't sure what was going through Noah's head, he had met, even dated a few bisexuals, to Nathan it was the most confusing thing that you could be. How did you figure out who you wanted to be with. The biggest bisexual he knew was Karen, they had actually met because she had been seeing the same guy who couldn't decide if he was gay or not. She had told him it was the same as it was for a gay person or a straight person. Bisexuals were just looking for someone to love like anyone else, they just had a larger pool of people to look for it in which made it even more interesting. After the silence Noah said, "if you liked someone how would you let them know?" Nathan didn't see the harm in answering that one, "usually by letting them know. It sounds simple I know but its not." Noah said, "yeah." Again silence, and Nathan started to move but Noah turned to face him and in that second before Nathan could say or do something Noah leaned over, kissed his lips once and then with a flush said, "thanks and I like you." Then he flushed even more and moved away slipping off of his bed. Nathan sort of sat there and studied Noah. The much younger boy was looking at anything that wasn't Nathan. Maybe he should have made a retreat right then and there. Instead he stood and stepped closer to Noah while looking at the boy standing there and it was almost awkward. "Listen Noah..." Noah talked over him, "I already know what you're going to say, I just wanted to let you know. You're going to say: you are older, that I don't know what I want, all of that, but its still true I do like you and maybe it is because your older, or maybe its because you've been really nice to me. Or maybe its just because you have red hair and I like that..." He trailed off and then sat on the edge of his bed, "or maybe its because I'm a confused kid." Then he just fell back onto his bed with a sigh and his shirt rode up just a bit and Nathan could see a sliver of the boys stomach, and he noticed in the slacks the boy was wearing there was a little rise in them and that was when it occurred to Nathan that Noah had probably been erect for quite a little bit. That was also when it occurred to Nathan that he thought the boy was cute, and a part of him also wished that Noah was older and more experienced. He did find the boy intriguing but he knew the age difference made anything impossible. Didn't it? He sighed and sat down on the bed close to where Noah was laying, "I'm flattered no matter which of those it is, but you just met me Noah and I am older than you. That comes with a lot of issues that you're not thinking about." He wasn't sure why he had said those things, there was something here. Something that Nathan had not anticipated by meeting this boy but he wasn't sure what it was, other than knowing that he was right, Noah was far too young compared to him. Not too young to know what he wanted or liked, but far too young to be with someone who was twenty. End Part 1 -Part 2 picks up right after this. I am editing it right now. Hopefully people want to see it. Noah is the heart and soul of this story, this is his journey first but Nathan and later Sarah both have journeys as well that coincide with Noah's All three of their lives entwine with one another. My hope is that I can show accurately what its like to be attracted to both sexes. What its like to discover that you like both boys and girls and what it means as well when you try to explore those feelings. I hope to have the next part out soon. Please let me know your thoughts and feelings: chaosmode00@gmail.com Also a donation to Nifty is always appreciated: http://donate.nifty.org/donate.html