story is a work of fiction, meaning it did not take place. It
contains sexual content involving persons under the age of consent
be inappropriate for you or illegal where you live. If this is
the case, please read no further. I do not condone
actions or choices of the fictional characters contained within this story.
Comments should be directed to Mark Adams.
...From the last chapter...
"Oh my God..." he breathed. "What did she tell you?"
"She... told me," I laughed, smiling
at the sweet torture I was
inflicting. I felt my way around his foreskin, working a finger
into his tight, precious prepuce.
"She said she wouldn't tell anyone,
especially not you." My hand
stopped its exploration of Ian and I was suddenly very aware of my
heart as it beat in my chest.
"Wouldn't tell me... what?" I
thought. I tried to replay the conversation with Bonnie in bed
last night, wondering
what I'd missed-- what my dear wife had left out of the conversation.
"Well, I guess it doesn't really
matter," he said, though I begged to
differ. He leaned his head back, a grin spreading across his face
as he looked up at me. His
glance shifted to the left and he jumped. "Oh, no!" he squealed,
pulling my hand out of the leg of his shorts and hopping off my
lap. His tiny shorts were now visibly pressed out behind the
stretched zipper. "Lunch is almost over!" He bent over to
pick up his book bag and I checked out the seat of his shorts and
admired how his muscled rump molded the material so perfectly, while at
the same time wondering what secret my wife and my lover shared.
I looked over at the clock. I
seemed to have lost all track of
time. I lifted my right hand to my nose, smelling Ian's special
perfume on my fingertips. "What
did he tell Bonnie not to tell me," I wondered. I glanced
back toward the door and, as I started to look back at Ian to ask him,
I did a
double take as I realized I had seen a smiling face at the window-- a
When I looked back, there was nobody
Into Ian - Chapter 5
When the final bell rang that
day and the kids filtered out, I moved toward the window to lower the
blinds. I wasn't quite sure what to do. Follow Jason?
home to question Bonnie? Did either of the choices make
sense? I looked out my window and saw Larry's Volvo in the
parking lot and decided to see if I
could catch him before he left. I needed to talk with someone,
but about what I wasn't sure. I just needed a friend I suppose.
As I headed down the hall toward the Administration area, I passed
Coach Carr in the hall. Our eyes locked for a moment as we walked
in opposite directions, but I was the first to avert my eyes. I
looked over my shoulder as I passed and saw he had half-looked
over his shoulder, too. I knew why I was looking, but I had no
idea why he would think I was worth a second glance. I continued
on to Larry's office, where I saw him standing behind his desk, putting
some paperwork into
his briefcase as I entered. He looked up as I approached his door.
"Hey there, Mark!" he greeted me, closing his briefcase and setting it
on his desk. "Change your mind about my offer?" He chuckled.
"Yeah," I said, though not yet knowing exactly what it was I wanted to
discuss with him. "I guess so. But I can see you're headed out,
so I'll just come back tomorrow."
"Nonsense." He waved me in to his office toward the small,
circular table next to his desk. "There's no time like the present and
I don't have anywhere I need to be this evening," he said, moving
toward the table and pulling out a chair for me. "Besides, I have a
feeling that if I let you walk out that door, you won't be coming
back." I smiled sheepishly as he reached out to my shoulder and
gently pressed me into the chair.
"Ok, you're probably right," I admitted. He laughed again as he
moved toward his office door and closed it before returning to one of
the extra chairs next to mine.
"So," he began, looking directly into my eyes, "you decided to come see
me? I'm honored." I snickered, but he waved his hand in the
between us. "No, Mark. I'm serious. I'm really glad you feel
comfortable enough to come see me. I know something is bothering
you. So what's going on in that thick head of yours?" He winked
at me-- that time I was sure of it. His soft green eyes were so
warm and comforting.
"Oh, I don't know, Larry," I said again, not quite sure what I was even
doing here. I felt like a fool.
"You don't know where to begin? Or you don't know if you should?
There's a difference, of course, and it's obvious it's one or the
he said, giving me a sly smile. I have to admit, Larry was
perfectly suited to his role as a counselor. Of course, he had no
idea what was bothering me, but he was naturally empathetic and was
always a good listener. I just didn't want anyone to hear what I needed
say. No, maybe it's more appropriate to say I couldn't say what needed to be said.
"I... I just don't know." I was truly at a loss for words. What
could I tell him? How could I talk with him about my dilemma?
What words could I use to seek his guidance without... exposing
"Okie dokie, then. Let me start it out for you. Some times
helps, you know?" He placed one arm onto the table and leaned
toward me, shifting slightly forward in his seat.
"Larry," he said, speaking as if he were me, "I'm carrying a weight on
my shoulders. I feel alone. So alone I can't even talk to a
friend." I nodded my head, looking down to where I was fidgeting
with my fingernail. "And I'm confused." I nodded again.
"Uh huh," I acknowledged, but saying nothing else.
"Well, Mark," he said, now speaking as himself, "I'm glad you came to
see me then. Because I know you're visiting me now as a friend,
not as a school counselor. And you know-- of course you do-- that what
is said here is in confidence, something between friends.
And that's a stronger vow of confidentiality than any other." He
let that sink in and, while he did, I thought about what that
meant. I knew that anything you told certain professionals
(though I didn't know if that applied to a school counselor) was
a limited sense of confidentiality, but there were always limits,
especially regarding... certain subjects. But I wasn't about to
spill my guts, either, even though there was a large aching within me
that wanted to pour it all out.
"Between friends?" I asked, glancing up at his probing eyes.
"And nobody else," he answered.
"How much time do you have?" I joked, laughing nervously.
"As long as you can wrap things up before..." he glanced at his watch,
"...oh, first period tomorrow, I think we're ok," he said, laughing
gently, which broke some of the tension. I smiled. And then frowned
which he noticed. "You trust me, don't you?"
"Yes, Larry. I do," I said, feeling a bit embarrassed that my
refusal to open up could actually hurt his feelings. "It's just
that, well... it's just sensitive."
"Most people don't stop by to see me unless it is..."
"Good point," I acknowledged. I thought for a moment before
decided to take the plunge-- well, not so much a plunge as a dip.
"Larry," I said, my words pinched in
the back of my throat, "I'm bisexual." No crime in that, I
suppose, but it did open me up more than I would have wanted.
How's that for a plunge?
"Hmmm." He scratched his head with his index finger for a
moment. "Bisexual?" he
asked, emphasizing the first part of the word. "Nothing wrong
with that, I guess. At least it's not as bad as being homosexual. I mean, that is something I could never tolerate." He smiled at his
own wit, and I couldn't help but return his smile.
"Well, maybe not fully... bisexual,
"I'm sorry, Mark," he said softly but firmly, "but being married-- even
having heterosexual sex-- doesn't make someone bisexual. But we'll go with
that premise. At least we're getting somewhere, right?" I nodded
slowly. "I always assumed Bonnie knew." I thought about the
implications of that statement. I had told him Bonnie and I had
had an argument, so I suppose he logically assumed that was the cause
of the argument.
"What? Do I seem... gay to
Larry? Is it that obvious?"
Larry laughed out loud at that. "Oh, Mark..." He leaned
back in his chair and stared at me for a moment, obviously
thinking. "No, I shouldn't have laughed. It's actually a
good question." He paused again before continuing. "No," he said
emphatically. "No, you certainly don't seem gay to the average person.
closeted yourself very well. But in my line of work, you get to
know a lot about people, especially things they don't necessarily want
you to know." He shifted in his chair. "But I have, how
say... an unfair advantage."
"What do you mean?" Had he spoken to Bonnie? Did he have
access to some unknown information?
"You see," he responded and paused for effect, "I'm not fully heterosexual myself." My jaw
must have dropped because he laughed softly. "I guess your gaydar
isn't nearly as well refined as mine," he said through a guarded smile.
"You mean, you're gay?" I was flabbergasted. I'd known
Larry for quite a while and never put two and two together. And I'd
always assumed my gaydar was as good as the next guy's. But, as I
thought about it, Larry had never brought a female companion to any of
the social events we'd attended together. He'd never mentioned a
girlfriend. Comments he'd made over
the time I'd known him seemed to make sense now. It was as if I had
observing him through some sort of filter which, now removed, cast a
new light on my friend.
"Of course," he said. "But enough about me..." I begged to
differ. I knew I was gay, but Larry's revelation was intriguing.
I wanted to know more.
"Do you have a... a boyfriend?" I stumbled over my words. I
had been very open in college, but that was many years ago. I
guess I'd been out of the scene long enough that it was like I was
rediscovering my sexuality anew.
"From time to time, yes. Sometimes more than one, I would have to
admit." He winked again.
"Wow." It's all I could think to say. I guess it wasn't all
that profound, really. A single, middle-aged male. A
homosexual male. Of course he probably had a string of short-term
partners. It's one of the many reasons I had opted out of that
lifestyle when I was younger-- it just had no appeal to me.
But the thought of being free to fully explore one's sexual
identity seemed... incredible. A pang of jealousy-- a rare
feeling for me-- struck me.
"So, anyway," he said, consciously changing the subject back to
me, "I find it difficult to believe you just recently discovered
your sexuality?" He framed the statement as a question.
"No, I used to be quite open about my sexuality," I replied.
"And, to answer your earlier question, yes, Bonnie does know. We
were friends in college; quite platonic. It's a long story, I
suppose, but to make a long story short, we each made compromises." I
paused a second as I considered that comment. Most gay friends
I'd had considered me a sell-out and felt quite comfortable telling me
I was denying who I was; that my marriage would never work and my life
would be filled with regret. "Compromises
neither of us have regretted. I certainly didn't want to live the
'gay lifestyle'." The implications of my statement smacked me in
the face and I quickly began to backpedal. "I mean, not that
there's anything wrong with that lifestyle."
"No, I understand. I'm not offended, Mark. There are
definite drawbacks, but there are also many... rewards?"
"Yes, I'm sure." I smiled at him, my jealousy subsiding but not
evaporating. "But it wasn't for me. The benefits have far
outweighed the costs."
"Until recently..." he said slowly.
I pondered that question for quite some time. I'm not sure how
long I took, but Larry never interrupted. "Until recently," I
repeated in acknowledgment. I looked up from my hands to his
soothing eyes, his peaceful countenance.
"And therein lies the turmoil."
"Yes," I admitted softly.
"So what happened to change that? You've met someone recently,
assuming? Someone that has made you question your choice?"
"Yes." I didn't mean to say that so adamantly, but I
suppose he understood. "I met a... a guy recently. He's so
perfect, he..." I fumbled for the right words, "he broke through my
barriers. All my carefully planned defenses. Oh, that just
sounds so fucking stupid," I chided myself.
"Not stupid," he replied. "Maybe a bit childish, perhaps." I
winced-- visibly, perhaps-- at his choice of words and immediately
wished I hadn't. Perhaps he hadn't noticed, but then again,
knowing Larry, he was probably reading me like a book. I felt
exposed, and had a sudden need to bring the conversation to a close
. I kicked myself become lulled by his calm and gentle manner and
I felt my heart rising in my throat. I needed to be cautious
about revealing anything more damning.
"Yes, I guess it is somewhat silly," I said as calmly as I could,
avoiding his term and trying to play it cool. "But I can see that
little better now. Now that I've said it out loud." It was
my turn to shift in my seat now, as if to prepare for my exit. He
seemed to be studying me and I almost hated him for it. Or, more
accurately, hating myself for putting myself in this position. I
looked at my watch.
"Relax," he said. It was somewhere between a command and a
request. "I can see we've struck a nerve," he continued, "but
that happens when you are approaching the root of an issue."
"I need to get going shortly," I said, almost pleading. "I was late
getting home last night and I don't want to make Bonnie
suspicious." I was playing the 'spouse' card, one of the benefits
of getting married.
"Why would she be suspicious?" he asked, ignoring my statement.
"Suspicious of what? Is that the real issue you've come to
discuss?" I looked at him carefully. I knew he knew the
answer to his own question. And he knew that I knew he did. My mind
flashed to some infomercial I'd seen years back about 'Verbal Kung Fu'
and I had to smile.
"I think you know, Larry." It hit me that he hadn't asked whom
I'd met recently, or the nature of the meeting.
"Oh, I think you're right, Mark. I think you might have underestimated
my powers," he said, raising his eyebrows comically before laughing out
loud, breaking the tension. "Forutnatley for you," he said,
nodding at me, "I've chosen to use my powers for good instead of evil!"
he exclaimed, forcing me to laugh along with him, though not as
"Yes. I'm very fortunate,"
"I'm going to remind you of something important," he said earnestly,
suddenly becoming more serious. "This is a discussion between friends. Not
co-workers. I'm speaking with you because you are a friend, a
friend with a problem he cannot seem to solve on his own. I'm not
trying to sneak past your well-fortified walls to ridicule you or
expose you. If you feel you've already said too much, I won't
"It's not that, Larry," I lied. "It's..."
"If you need to get home, I completely understand," he interrupted.
"But I want you to know I'm available to you. Any time. For
any reason." He leaned forward in his chair, resting his elbows
his knees. "I do think I know what's bothering you, Mark."
He looked at me sincerely, gauging my reaction. "And, if I'm
correct, it's intensely personal and private. I may not have any
right inviting myself into that part of you which is so deeply
personal, but I'm at least extending the invitation. For you," he
said with finality.
I wondered how much he really knew. I'd already admitted to him I
was (gasp) a fag. And he'd admitted the same to me. I
had already admitted there was... someone else in the picture.
But that wasn't really so shocking, was it? Just what was it he
thought he knew? As much as I liked Larry, however, the subject
of my unrest was not something I could share. I was all alone on
"I really appreciate your concern," I finally said. "I really do.
But I'm just not able to go there right now."
"I understand," he said, clearly a little saddened by my words.
"But the offer stands."
"Thank you. I really mean that. Thank you from the bottom of my
heart. I'm very lucky to have a friend like you, Larry."
"You're welcome," he replied, standing to his feet. "Oh, one
"Yes?" I answered as I stood.
"Coach Carr was in my office just before you arrived." I flashed
back to our akward passing in the hallway.
"Sure. I saw him on my way in."
"Were you wandering around the locker rooms last night?" I
stood there blinking, wondering how to respond
"Well," I began, thinking how to proceed. "I did go there to
speak with Coach about one of my students."
"Ian?" I felt his eyes bore into me. "Or perhaps Jason?"
"No," I replied, "Well, not Jason. But I did see him there." I
skirted the mention of Ian. "Well, I saw Jason in the school. Not
in the locker room." I wasn't trying to tattle-tale on Jason,
just avoiding the mention of Ian.
"So Ian, then?"
"Well, yes," I stammered. Damn it. "I wanted to speak to
Coach about Ian's tardiness. He has P.E. before my class and I
was wondering if Coach was giving the students enough time to get to
next class. But he wasn't... there." I thought better about
adding any other details.
"Makes sense," he said. "He informed me that Ian would not be
late any more. He's all yours."
"Umm... ok." I wondered how Coach would have known about my
frustration with Ian's tardiness. Or why that would merit a
discussion with the school's guidance counselor. But mostly, I
wondered at Larry's last comment. "He's all yours..." Was that
his comment or
Coach's? And what did it mean?
"Oh, and at the risk of sounding like Columbo," he said, picking up his
briefcase and heading toward the door, "just one other thing." I
smiled wanly at his humor.
"You need to get something to cover up the little window in your
classroom door." He raised his eyebrows slightly before opening
the door and heading into the hall.
"That fucking bastard!" I yelled as I hit my steering wheel, sitting
there in the school parking lot. But I didn't even know for whom
the insult was intended. Larry, perhaps? No... probably
Carr. Or, more likely, Jason? No, I guess I was cursing
myself. I was in a world of shit now.
I knew I should have followed Larry out and continued the conversation.
But how? What did he know? And how did he know... if he
knew? Well, of course he knew. Why else would he say
like that? And, if he knew, wouldn't it have been more
appropriate for him to report my offense instead of tipping me off to
window? Or, at a minimum, to inform me not to molest my students
in my classroom?
My mind raced, going down every possible avenue, tracing and
retracing my steps until I was tangled in a web. Maybe I'd
stumbled on to some child molestation ring or something. Maybe
Coach Carr was fucking Jason and Larry was involved somehow.
Perhaps Ian had sought Larry's guidance. Or maybe Jason told
Larry, who was a friendly pedophile who was giving me the heads
up. Maybe Bonnie was fucking Ian? Oh, God! I just didn't
what was real-- only that I had fucked up somewhere along the line
after all this time and
my secret was out. I hoped against hope that wasn't the case, but
deep down I knew it was true. Somebody-- maybe several
somebodies-- knew. And now I had to head home to my Bonnie, who had
some part to play in all this insanity.
I'll admit it, I thought about suicide at that moment. I'm not
proud of it-- I'm not a quitter. But I
contemplated it, if only for a moment. How could I do that to my
wife and son? I could see my wife in my dream...
"There's no help for you, Mark." Dear God, help me. I had
no clue what to do.
That short ride home was the longest of my life.
As I entered the house, Tigger greeted me at the laundry room door,
almost bouncing with excitement to see me. I frowned at the
that he might be the one true friend I had at that moment and I
down to pet him. I wrapped my arms around his strong body,
hugging him and kissing him below his ear.
I could smell dinner and
the clinking of dishes as the dinner table was set. I took a
deep breath and braced myself as I headed toward the kitchen. I
saw Josh, changed into his play clothes, setting the table in the
breakfast area where we normally ate. When he saw me, he set
the silverware down and came to greet me. "Hi, Dad!" he chriped
worked his way around the breakfast bar that separated the kitchen and
family room, causing Bonnie to turn around from the stove where she was
putting the finishing touches on the evening meal. He wrapped his
around my torso and I hugged him hard around his shoulders, eliciting a
grunt from him. Bonnie smiled at the sight and moved toward me,
"How was your day, hon?" she asked as she reached us, hugging my
shoulder and placing a hand on Josh's back. At that moment, I
didn't deserve either of them, but I was determined to do whatever I
needed to do to keep them.
The rest of the evening was uneventful. I learned that the
Liebermans had, in fact, put an offer on the house down the street and,
after some back and forth, the offer had been accepted. That
would mean a sizeable commission, of course. Josh had jabbered
throughout the meal about his day, and Bonnie caught me up on the
neighborhood gossip. I found it strange that, despite everything
churning around in the back of my mind, everything seemed calm.
Normal. But I knew this was the calm before the storm. When
Josh was in bed, I knew Bonnie and I would be talking. My mind
kept going over the events of the last few days and especially my
conversation with Larry, and Bonnie kept having to bring me back to
whatever was being discussed.
Once Josh was tucked in and I closed his bedroom door behind me, I
braced myself and headed downstairs to the bedroom. Although I
really didn't want to have any in-depth conversation at the moment, I
knew it was time. Tick-tock...
I found Bonnie brushing her teeth at the bathroom sink and I sat on the
edge of the tub behind her. She looked at me in the mirror.
"Is Josh tucked in?" she inquired. Tigger wandered in with a
tennis ball in his mouth, trying to engage me in a romp, but I shooed
"Yes," I responded, as Tigger dramatically spit the ball onto the tiled
floor and moped out toward the bedroom area.
"I forgot to mention," she said, and I braced myself, "...there's a
list on the bar of a few more supplies he needs for school. Do
you have time to pick them up before school?"
"Sure..." I sighed. I started to take off my shoe and
thought I should probably try to take control and set the tone of the
conversation instead of waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop.
"Yes, dear?" She was rinsing her toothbrush and wiping her mouth.
"We need to talk..." She paused a moment before placing the hand
towel back on the rack. Tick-tock...
"Yes. I guess we do," she replied. "Come on." She motioned
for me to follow her and I did. She closed the bedroom door and
crossed the room to sit on the edge of the bed and I joined her,
sitting on my side of the bed.
"So, anway," I began before stopping. "Actually, I'm not really
sure where to begin."
"Mark," she said when I paused, "I'm sorry about last night." I
wasn't expecting an apology and it caught me off guard. "First
off, I lied to you. About Ian. I never lie to you, but I
lied about not knowing he wasn't wearing any underwear. I mean,
it was mostly true." Bonnie had no way of knowing that I knew she had lied or how I knew,
of course, which made her admission that much more genuine and
meaningful. And Ian's comment earlier made a lot more sense to me
She looked off toward the other side of the room before
continuing. "He and Josh were wrestling around in the family room
and he... well, he 'fell out' I guess. He was mortified that I
saw, and Josh was laughing up a storm and teasing him." She
straightened out the bed cover. "He begged me not to tell you--
his teacher. So I promised him I wouldn't. And I made Josh
promise, too." She glanced over at me. "It was actually kind of cute," she
smiled nervously. "I mean, did you know he's not circumcised?"
I said nothing in response. A sick part of me wanted to know if
she felt excited when she saw Ian's penis but I couldn't ask that,
could I? I mentally chastised myself. I probably should
have let her know she was forgiven for the lie, but that would have
felt too shallow since I had a much bigger secret.
"Second off," she said, pulling the covers back, "I didn't mean to
tease you. You know... about Ian." She began to get under
the covers, still avoiding eye contact. "I just... well, I don't
know. I guess I was just trying to get you in the mood. You
know? I crossed the line I suppose, and I apologize." She
looked into my eyes.
"What do you mean?" I asked, looking away.
"Well, you seemed stressed. I wanted to get you excited, so I... well,
I thought I was helping you. It seemed to work at first, but then
"Bonnie," I said calmly, "I don't understand where you're going with
"I was just trying to spice things up a bit by telling you about Ian."
"Why would that spice things up?" I spat.
"Mark!" she exclained quietly, turning toward me onto her side after
glancing at the door. "I know you better than that! Please
don't lie to me by telling me you don't find him... stimulating?
This is me you're talking to!" We had never been this direct in
any previous conversation regarding my attraction to boys and I was
fully unprepared-- I had no good lies available at the moment. "I
know who you are. At times I think I know you better than you
know yourself. I've always known! But I also know it's just
fantasy-- you could never hurt a child!" She scooted over toward
me, placing a hand on my knee. "I have never questioned your
faithfulness," she said firmly. "In fact, I've admired you
tremendousy for the sacrafices you have made-- for me, and us.
And for Josh. All alone, without anyone to help share your
I felt about two feet tall at that moment, if that.
"I was trying to spice things up by talking about Ian, but also to let
you know that I know how you feel. And that it's ok. I guess I
felt you were starting to recede back into your... private space, and I
was trying to let you know you weren't alone, that you didn't have to
hide from me... I didn't mean to embarrass you or push you into a
I broke down at that moment, tears streaming down my face. I
could feel the sobs begin to build, and my instinct was to flee.
I couldn't have Bonnie see me like this! And I couldn't look her
in the eye, knowing that I was lying to this incredible woman I loved
so much and who, for whatever reason, loved me more. I definitely
didn't deserve her. As I shifted to rise from the bed, she sat
up, grasping my hand and scooting closer, wrapping her right arm around
"I know, baby," she cooed. "Let it out. Please don't run
away..." I resisted the urge to push her away and instead
collapsed into her embrace, beaten down by the roller coaster ride of
emotions. "Shhhhh... it's going to be ok."
If only I could believe that...
To be continued...