Date: Fri, 21 Jun 2019 12:58:53 -0500
From: Beatrix Adara <trixieadara@gmail.com>
Subject: The Rabbit Hole Ch. 12

The Rabbit Hole Chapter 12: Submit to the Procedure
By Trixie Adara
Edited By ALewdEditor


Penny


        Part of Penny's mind heard the click of the phone. The rest of her
could only hear the silence.
        "Hello?" she asked, but knew the answer.
        Nothing. There was nothing. She called the number back. It was the
same motel, but she didn't know Nadia's room number. She had resisted
before, but now she could be there in minutes and make the staff tell her
where Nadia was. She didn't need to be good anymore. Her Dolly was so
close, just out of her fingertips.
        And she loved her. Was that true? Penny wanted it be true. More
than anything, she wanted someone to see her for who she really was. She
wanted someone to see the monstrous parts of her but not call her a
monster. Could Nadia be that person? Could she see the broken pieces of
Penny and not just tolerate them, but want them?
        No, said a voice of iron. No one wants the scraps of you.
        Penny shivered. She threw off the covers of the bed and got up,
pacing around the room with her hands over her ears.
        "No," she whispered. She recognized the voice. She knew it. It was
back. It never left her. She couldn't run. It would always find her.
        You can't escape what's inside of you.
        "Please."
        She wants your power, but will she tolerate you to get it?
        "Stop."
        The Voice was right. Nadia wasn't interested in Penny. That
couldn't be true. She wanted Penny to be a good girl. She was just like
Penny's parents. She was just the facility. She was just like the
Nurse. Everyone wanted to make Penny a good girl. No one wanted Penny as
she was, today. They could only be near her if she behaved. If she couldn't
behave, she had to go away. Penny was tired of being sent away.
        She looked around at her room. It was another facility. This was
just another test. The scenery changed but the function remained the
same. Everything was designed to lure her in, to trap her, to test her, and
then to fix her.
        And what happens if Penny isn't a good girl?
        Cruel memories drowned Penny's vision: the tub, the machine, the
Nurse, the electricity, the strap-on, the straps, the look on her parents'
faces as they left, her sister crying, the strap-on, the laughter, the
smell of ammonia, the copper fear, the strap-on.
        Penny covered her eyes with her hands and heard the Voice. She
covered her ears with her hands and saw the memories. Around her was
agony. Within her was tragedy.
        Submit to the procedure.
        The Nurse. The Voice was the Nurse and the demon of the cave and
Nadia and Joanna and her parents and Harold and Nadia and Nadia and Nadia
and Nadia. She wanted to fix her. If Penny behaved, she could have
Nadia. But if Penny behaved, Nadia would never be Dolly, not a true
Dolly. Penny needed her power to make Nadia happy, but Penny's power sent
Nadia away. There was no way out. There was no solution. There was only
isolation.
        Isolation.
        Penny opened her eyes. Her rooms were wrong. They were all
wrong. She could see it now. It was another cage to hold her in. She didn't
need a room. All rooms were hers. She could have any room she wanted in the
world. This room was to keep her away from other people, to make her
good. It kept people safe from her. But Penny didn't need to stay here
anymore. She didn't need to play by their rules. She was too young to break
out of her first prison, but nothing could keep her here now. She was too
powerful to be caged.
        Penny looked at the shelves on the wall. She looked at the pictures
hanging up. She looked at the drawers filled with clothes. These were her
trapping, designed to make her feel domestic and safe. But now they were no
more convincing than the wallpaper of a doctor's office. It was all a ruse,
and she needed to be free.
        Penny screamed at the top of her lungs and charged. She tore down
the books from their shelves. She flung the clothes across the room. She
ripped and smashed. She toppled the furniture. She tore through her
penthouse and demolished her life. She broke the mirrors last. All the
mirrors.


*************************


Nadia


        Joanna was in her uniform from work still. A huge stain of mustard
and something else had ruined her top. Nadia wished her girlfriend looked
shocked, but instead Joanna was something primal, something terrifying. She
was ready to fight, but Nadia's eyes darted to the phone. She needed to
call Penny back. Right now.
        "I told you not to talk to her anymore."
        "It doesn't hurt -"
        "And you want to come back to her?"
        Nadia took the comment as a slap. She fell silent.
        "Is that what I heard?" asked Joanna. She stepped towards Nadia
like a threat, but the redhead moved backwards. Joanna was taller than her
and stronger. She didn't think Joanna would hurt her, but she'd never seen
her this mad before.
        "Listen, I can explain."
        "Explain what? Explain why you were talking to her when I told you
not to? When we both know how dangerous she is? How do you know she isn't
tracing the call? How do you know she isn't on her way here right now? Oh,
Jesus, she could be coming here right now."
        Joanna's whole demeanor changed. She went from predator to prey in
a flash. She peeled her top off and threw it across the room. She brushed
past Nadia and began packing.
        "We need to go."
        "Go where?" asked Nadia.
        "Somewhere else. She's on her way."
        "You don't know that."
        "I can't risk it." Joanna turned back to Nadia. She was
terrified. "I can't go back to her."
        Nadia's fear broke as she looked at her girlfriend. She was a child
again, afraid of the monsters under her bed. Nadia could see her chest
heaving. Was she having a panic attack? The reasons didn't matter. What
mattered right now was the Joanna needed her help.
        Nadia sank to her knees and wrapped her arms around Joanna. Joanna
resisted at first but then melted into the embrace.
        "It's okay," whispered Nadia. "It's okay."
        "No, I can't ..." She was crying. "I can't go back to her. To
that."
        "I know. She won't take you back, I promise."
        "How do you know?" Joanna pulled back and looked into Nadia's
eyes. "How can you know?"
        "If she wanted to trace the calls, there was nothing stopping her
from ..." Nadia stopped and gulped.
        "From all the other times you've called her," finished Joanna.
        "Yeah."
        "Jesus, how often?"
        Nadia waited. This was it. She was playing with knives and now she
got cut. She was always going to hurt either Joanna or Penny, but that
wasn't her intent. She didn't want to hurt anyone.
        "Every night," whispered Nadia.
        "Shit." Joanna collapsed, pulling away from Nadia. "Shit."
        "She's hurt," explained Nadia. She spoke quickly, all her ideas
bubbling over. "And it isn't entirely her fault. I think I can help her. I
can take care of her. I can -"
        "She'll destroy you." Joanna looked up. There was sadness in her
eyes, like a pity that Nadia could be so eager and so foolish all at
once. "You know that. Don't you?"
        Nadia hesitated. Part of her, the part that was always careful, did
know that Penny would destroy her. But maybe only part of her. Maybe only
the part that she wanted to throw away. Penny would destroy all the parts
Nadia didn't want anymore. She would destroy the cautious, anxious,
stressed, rule-following girl. The rest of Nadia would stay, and new parts
would arrive. She would be herself, the parts she loved, and Dolly. She
didn't need to be anything else.
        "Jesus, you do know. You even want it," sighed Joanna. She turned
from Nadia and continued packing, this time deliberate and slow.
        Nadia watched her. She knew she should stop her. The good-girl
Nadia didn't want to hurt Joanna. She didn't want Joanna to go. She didn't
want to give up the routine of her life. She was finding a new normal with
Joanna and the bar and the safeway house. She was finding a new life, and
now that was all fading away. And for what?
        For Penny? Was that worth it? At the end of this, would she see the
ruins of her life and feel that Penny was worth every sacrifice?
        Or maybe she wouldn't care at all. Dolly wouldn't see it as
ruins. She wouldn't have an opinion on it at all unless Penny gave her an
opinion.
        "Where will you go?" asked Nadia.
        Joanna said nothing for a long time. They had moved so many times
in the past week that it was a thoughtless act. Surely, she wasn't
concentrating on that. Her mind was somewhere else. Maybe behind a wall of
pain. Maybe panicking to figure out what her life would look like tomorrow.
        "I don't know," she finally admitted. "I'll tell Jasper what's
going on, and maybe he'll let me crash on his couch for a few days until I
figure things out." Jasper was their boss at the bar. Remarkably, he wasn't
a scumbag. Joanna could trust him.
        "Do you need help?" asked Nadia.
        "Sure."
        Silently they got to work. Nadia grabbed Joanna's things from the
bathroom. There wasn't much to pack, but they worked slowly. Neither of
them were in a hurry to say goodbye. It was too much to move all the time,
to be afraid all the time, to not know what tomorrow would look like or
where it would take place. On top of all of that, to remove the one
constant comfort in this hell was too much.
        "I should have lied," said Joanna as she gathered her things at the
front of the room. "I shouldn't have told you where I'm going."
        "Why ..." Nadia stopped herself. She knew why. Penny could get any
information from her. "I don't think she wants you," she added.
        "Maybe I know too much." Joanna shrugged. "Maybe I'm a loose end
that needs tying up?"
        "I promise you. She only wants me. This has all been because of
me."
        Joanna gave a gentle smile. "She took me first, hun. Besides, I
think in the end this is all about Penny. We're just pawns."
        "It's different with me."
        "Is that what she told you?"
        "You have to trust me," sighed Nadia.
        "I did. Remember?" Joanna dropped her bags. "I trusted you to not
call her. I trusted you to keep your distance. I trusted you to keep us
safe. You betrayed me."
        Nadia didn't say anything for a while. Part of her wished Joanna
was angrier. She wished Joanna would just yell at her. If it was a fight,
at least she could get angry in response. But this gentle resignation, this
soft acceptance, was worse than any breakup she'd been through.
        "I'm sorry," whispered Nadia.
        "I'm sorry too," said Joanna. "I wish I could protect you instead
of letting you go back to her, but I can't risk facing her again. Never
again."
        "You don't need to save me from her. She's what I want."
        "That's what every girl in an abusive relationship says."
        "She isn't abusive she -"
        "What? Tells you what to do and think? Takes in those you love
under her control or separates you from them? She moved you in closer. She
made you quit your job. She micromanages every decision but she's not
controlling?"
        "What if that's what I want?"
        "If you wanted to kill yourself, should I let you?"
        Nadia clenched her fists. "Is that what you think I'm doing?"
        Joanna shrugged. "In a way."
        "It's my life. I can pursue what I want. I have that freedom, even
if that freedom means giving freedom up."
        "I'm not going to talk you out of it."
        "You can't," said Nadia. "I'm sorry, but you can't."
        Silence descended on them. There was no malice in Joanna's
voice. No frustration. There was a gentle sadness as she looked at Nadia,
as though Nadia was the saddest and dumbest girl in the world.
        "She's not abusive," said Nadia, almost to herself more than
Joanna.
        Joanna stepped forward and put a hand on Nadia's shoulder. "She
is. You don't see it yet, but she is. And I wish I could get you to see
that. I wish I could pull you away and let you look at the situation
objectively. She's a cancer, and I wish I could cut her out. But right now,
you'd put it back in. You're too obsessed. But that's not the scary
part. You want to know the scary part?"
        Nadia met Joanna's eyes.
        "The scary part," said Joanna. "Is that I can't tell if Nadia is
obsessed or some part of Penny's control is in your mind, making you
obsessed."
        Nadia looked into Joanna's eyes, not breaking contact. She hadn't
thought of that before, but she supposed it was true. She was certain that
she was free of Penny's control, but what if some part of Penny
remained. What if these phone calls were all part of some plan to bring
Nadia back to her?
        "Sometimes," said Joanna. "If you love someone, you don't let them
get what they want. I know that sounds terrible, but sometimes love has to
be stronger than desire."
        Joanna bent down and kissed Nadia on the cheek, turned around,
picked up her bags, and left.


*************


        Nadia stared at 1000 Union Ave. From here, she had no hope of
spotting Penny's penthouse, but she tried anyways. She'd been here for an
hour, trying to build up the courage to go inside. After Joanna left, she
tried calling Penny back, but she didn't answer. Nadia couldn't blame
her. She needed to find Penny and explain things to her. She needed to set
this right. Otherwise, she could lose Penny and Joanna all in the same
stupid move. She'd never forgive herself if she let both women slip out of
her hands.
        "Just do it," she told herself for the seventh time. "If she's not
there, wait for her or go back to the motel. Come back tomorrow. Leave a
note. Do something. Anything besides sitting here and moping."
        She began to pace. "What's the worst that can happen? She takes you
under her control and punishes you? That's what you want, right? Well, not
exactly that, but something like that. I mean, being under her control, no
matter the circumstances, is a success, right? No big deal."
        Nadia bounced up and down on her feet, trying to hype herself into
entering the building. "I mean, I guess she could use her powers to send
you away forever. Then what? You could go back to the motel, go back to the
bar, go back to the ladies at the safeway house. You could pick that life
up, even if Joanna didn't want you there. Right? Right?"
        Nadia took a deep breath and crossed the street. "Hey Gus," she
said to the doorman, but when she tried to walk past him, he stepped in her
way.
        "Ma'am?' he asked. "Is someone expecting you?"
        "Gus, it's me." Nadia sighed when Gus squinted closer to get a look
at her then yelped when she realized she'd tried to disguise herself. At
this point, she looked like an adorable goth girl: short black hair still
in her bob haircut, fake septum piercing and lip piercing, makeup to look
as pale as possible, heavy eyeshadow and eyeliner, black lipstick. This was
her mask for the past three weeks, and though when she looked at herself
she didn't think she looked that different, she could imagine it confusing
Gus.
        "It's me! Nadia." Gus squinted his eyes more, practically closing
them. "Penny's girlfriend?" added Nadia as she pulled away her fake
piercings. Penny and her had never used such intimate terms, but she
imagined Gus didn't know the difference between girlfriend and loyal,
mindless Dolly. Nor did she have the courage or patience to explain it.
        "Miss MacQuarrie?"
        "The one and only."
        "Oh! I didn't recognize you will all the," Gus gestured to his
entire face, "that."
        "New look," said Nadia. "I'm heading up to see Penny."
        "She's not here, ma'am," said Gus. "She left about an hour ago."
        Nadia scrunched her face. She was worried that would happen. "Well,
then I just need to leave her a note. Sound good?"
        Nadia tried to step past Gus, but he blocked her way
again. "Haven't seen you in a while," he said. "Did I hear correctly that
you moved out?"
        "Yeah ... about that." Nadia had thought of several flaws in her
plans, but Gus, the overly nosey doorman, was not one of them. "We broke
up, and I did move out, yeah, but I'm trying to patch things back up and
talk to her."
        "Sorry to hear that." Gus pointed to Nadia's hair. "Did you do that
when you two broke up?"
        "Uh ... yeah."
        "My daughter did the same thing when her boyfriend broke up with
her. Well, she went blonde, not goth."
        "To each their own," added Nadia with a shrug. "Can I go up?"
        "Sure thing, Miss MacQuarrie."
        Gus stepped out of her way, and Nadia went into the apartment
building. That was simpler than she thought it would be. I guess the truth
can have that effect on people.
        No one else bothered her on the way to Penny's penthouse. She got
to the floor just fine, and paused in front of Penny's door. She prayed to
some silent god and tried to turn the door handle. Mercifully it obeyed,
and the door creaked as it swung open. Nadia took a deep breath and entered
the apartment.
        It was a disaster zone. Hurricane Penny had flipped everything that
could be flipped. She snapped anything that could be snapped. She tossed
and scattered whatever wasn't bolted down or heavy. Luckily, Penny didn't
have that much furniture to begin with. The worst Nadia could see as she
entered was the kitchen. It was a sea of shattered glass and porcelain.
        Nadia walked through like a ghost haunting her own misdeeds. She
couldn't escape the knowledge that she did this. While Penny was physically
responsible, she was also possessed with the grief of Nadia. Nadia might as
well have done it herself.
        Nadia moved cautiously down the hallway towards Penny's office,
bedroom, and The Rabbit Hole. She glanced into Penny's office. It was a
graveyard of books and papers. She looked into Penny's bedroom and what
must have been ground zero for her rage and tantrum. The bed was
overturned. Clothing was everywhere. The mirrors were shattered. Even in
the bathroom, the mirror was shattered with small rivulets of blood going
from the point of impact to the sink.
        "Oh God," whispered Nadia.
        She was almost too scared to go into The Rabbit Hole, but she had
to check. The Rabbit Hole was Penny's life work before she got her
powers. It was the culmination of her skills as a hypnotist. It was
originally used to permanently rewire a person's identity over months of
exposure, as she originally planned to do to Joe. With the help of Penny's
powers, it was quickly becoming obsolete. Maybe it was spared her wrath.
        The smell of burning plastic hit Nadia first. She looked over the
room, but there was a black cloud, almost a fog, hanging in the air. She
started to cough before she got inside, and she turned around and closed
the door. She needed to call the fire department, but somehow, she knew
Penny would never consent to people going in there. There would be too many
questions.
        Nadia spent the next hour trying to clean up. She had no idea where
to start, but she figured the wisest thing was to try and make the space
safe and habitable first and foremost. She swept up the glass and tried to
open windows to let out the smoke from The Rabbit Hole. She did it all in
silence but, despite her best efforts, her mind raced with a thousand
possibilities. They were the same unlikely scenarios over and over. She had
no new information either. She knew Penny was gone. She knew Penny would be
mad. She didn't know when Penny was coming back. It was the same story and
yet, sitting amongst the ruins of Penny's home made it more bleak. She had
no reason to hope less, but she did.
        Her mind thought of a dozen terrible endings. Perhaps Penny took
her own life. Perhaps she ran away and was never returning. Perhaps she was
homicidal, looking to end Nadia if she couldn't have her. Each time she
tried to calm herself with logic and reason. Each time she failed. That was
the trapping of her mind. There was no cure for her imagination except for
mindlessness. Her mind wandered to the darkest parts of reality, and Penny
was her only escape.
        Penny whom she had hurt. Penny whom she had chased away. Penny whom
she had betrayed. Penny whom she abandoned. Penny who now abandoned her.
        Nadia sat in the ruins of Penny's apartment. It was late, past
midnight. If Penny wasn't back now, she probably wouldn't be back at all
tonight. Maybe she'd be back tomorrow morning, or maybe she went on an
impromptu trip. She'd done that before. Nadia needed to sleep, and there
was no place to do that here anymore.
        Nadia went back to her motel room. She didn't talk to Gus on her
way out. She did her very best not to think at all. She needed to sleep,
that's what she needed. She needed come back at this with a clearer
head. Once Penny calmed down, things would be fine. When Nadia calmed down,
she could look at this with positivity. Hell, maybe Joanna just needed to
calm down. That was it. Everyone just needed a night's sleep and the chance
to calm down.
        Nadia was so focused on not thinking, that she didn't notice her
motel room door was already opened partially. She didn't notice the lights
were on. She especially didn't notice Penny walk out of the bathroom at the
sound of Nadia entering the motel room.
        "Hello, Dolly," she said.
        Nadia's eyes widened as she looked up. Penny looked like a ghost of
her former self. Her blonde hair was loose and wild. The bun or ponytail
she normally wore it in was tangled with a nest of stray hairs. Her makeup
was runny and smudged across her face. She was in black silk pajamas that
were snug against her body, but there was one cut along her thigh that had
gone through the silk and part of her flesh. The left sleeve was torn and
peeling off the torso. Her right hand was wrapped in dry blood and dangled
limply from Penny's side. She looked like she'd been kidnapped and jumped
out of a moving car. She looked wild and feral.
        Except for her eyes. Penny's makeup was in disarray, but her face
held the same predatory look Nadia had come to know, fear, and love. It was
the face Nadia had when she first saw Joe and the face when she discovered
Dr. Tuminaro. It was the face she wore when she was about to destroy a
bully, and it was the face she had for Nadia now. The face was rage.
        "Penny, I -" started Nadia.
        "Stop."
        Nadia's body went rigid. The words of explanation and pleading and
apology died on her tongue. She knew this was it. Penny could destroy
her. She could do worse than make her a doll. She could carefully craft her
agony like she did for Joe. Perhaps she'd make Nadia hopelessly devoted to
some stranger, helplessly in love with him, just to break her heart. She
could do that over and over. There was no end to the punishments she could
create. Reality was clay to her.
        "I'm so happy to see you," said Penny. She looked over Nadia's
body, her face, her hair, and grimaced. "Though it's a shame what you've
done to yourself." She stepped forward, limping a little as she approached,
and stroked Nadia's hair. "No more running," she said. "No more
games. You're mine."
        Nadia wished she had control of her body. She wished she could hug
and kiss Penny. She wished she could thank her. She wished she could
smile. She wished she could fall to her knees and worship. She wished she
could say how happy this made her. She wished she could apologize. She
wished she could say she'd never do it again. She wished she could do
anything to make it right.
        Instead, she was rigid. She was a good doll, and maybe that was
what Penny wanted more than anything. Maybe that was what would make Penny
happy, and if that was the case, that's what made Nadia happy.
        "Close the door," commanded Penny.
        Nadia obeyed. She didn't want to cry out for help. She didn't want
to run for her life. She didn't want to find Joanna. She didn't want any of
that. She wanted to jump and down. She wanted to squeal. She wanted to
dance for joy.
        Instead, she obeyed.
        "Take off your clothes."
        Nadia obeyed. She stripped without seduction or joy. Her clothes
came off effortlessly and efficiently. There was no doubt. There was no
delight. There was only the motion, the mechanics of the action. There was
only the commands and obedience to them.
        "Become Dolly," commanded Penny.
        The transformation was immediate. There was no hesitation. There
was no pause. Nadia slipped out of her identity as easily as her
clothes. All thoughts vanished. Even the thought of joyful anticipation at
returning to her beloved Dolly escaped Nadia's mind. There was no mind of
Nadia's for it to go to. There was only Dolly, and Dolly was blank. Dolly
was whatever Penny wanted.
        Penny wanted Dolly to do much. She ordered Dolly to take her to the
shower and clean her body, washing each inch with care. She didn't trust
Dolly with medical care, so the cut on her thigh and her cut hand were left
alone. Dolly washed her hair with care. Dolly dried every inch with a dab
of a towel. Dolly scrubbed, trimmed, and filed Penny's fingernails. Dolly
dried her hair. Dolly lotioned her body. Dolly took care of everything,
undoing all the damage Nadia did.
        She didn't do it with love unless she was told to. She didn't do it
with tenderness unless Penny was explicit. It wasn't loving without Penny's
command. It was professional. It was reliable. It was consistent. It was
immediate.
        Dolly was very well behaved.
        It was late, and Dolly's eyes were heavy and drooping. Twice she
almost fell asleep as she waited for her next order. Penny tried commanding
her to stay awake, but her body had been through much today. She needed
rest, and so did Penny.
        She ordered Dolly to hold her through the night. She ordered Dolly
to talk about something, anything, but there was nothing in Dolly's mind to
say. There were no memories and no imagination. Penny had to order Dolly to
remember Nadia's day, and then order her to tell her all about Nadia's day.
        "Nadia had a good day today," she said robotically. "She went to
work at the bar. One of the men there was drunk and grabbed her ass. She
didn't want to cause a fuss, so she didn't say anything. She didn't like
it. She hates when the men there try to touch her, but most of them are
drunk. She knows that if she tries to stop them, there will be
retribution. They can get violent. Nadia could get fired. It's not safe to
speak her mind."
        On and on it went. Dolly gave the facts of the day and the most
private thoughts of Nadia's life with the same inflection. Dolly held Penny
and spoke without hesitation, regret, guilt, or shame. Penny quickly fell
asleep, and without any other orders, Dolly continued to speak. She spoke
about talking to Penny on the phone. She spoke about Ginger. She spoke
about changing her mind, about accepting the consequences of loving
Penny. She spoke about Joanna finding her and leaving. She spoke because
she was ordered to, and no one listened. It was simultaneously heartless
and intimate. She spoke of her deepest fears and concerns as though she
spoke about the weather.
        As she spoke, Nadia realized that nothing was forcing her anymore.
She spoke, not because she was ordered to, but because it felt good. It
felt good to say she loved Penny without hesitation. It felt good to say
she feared Penny without concern of repercussions. It was a strange time
for her as she held Penny. It was a time of no consequences. It was the
closest she'd ever felt to Penny, and yet, Penny was gone to her, a closed
window.
        But Nadia couldn't enjoy the moment for long. Sleep came for her,
and she willingly dove into her arms.


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