Brad Gillespie


Mike Golobay

Oh no. The Friday Afternoon Clock Watching had already begun. I sighed, rested my hands on the keyboard, and tried to get into some interesting work that would make the rest of the day fly by, but just couldn't get into it. I glanced at my watch again just a minute and a half after the last time I had done the same thing and sighed.

Before I could make another effort to press myself at work I didn't want to do, Tim walked in and sat down in the chair across from my desk. The room seemed to brighten with the light of his boyish smile and the happy glow that always seemed to travel around with him.

“Mr. Carey!” I exclaimed in mock surprise. Tim hated being called “Mr.,” so I always did it just to get some playful sparks to fly.

“Hey old man, don't call me mister!”

“Old man! Look, you'll be thirty-seven in just twelve short years, and then we'll see if you like being called ‘Old Man.’”

He gave a non-committal shrug and began to fiddle with my desk toys. “So whatcha doing?”

I thought about lying and telling him about the mountains of work I was simultaneously doing while dealing with our customer's data processing manager, balancing the project's budget, and preparing a report for the division heads. “Nothing.” I finally admitted.

“Nothing! Nothing! So that's why you get the big bucks and I struggle along as a galley slave in the rotten wooden belly of another aging ship in the Corporate American Fleet?” If the sprite-like smile wasn't still on his face as he said it, I would worry that he might be serious just this once.

“Youth is wasted on the young.” I breathed with a theatrical sigh. His infectious grin now worked its way onto my face. I considered him for a moment sitting there across my desk. I had known him for the four years he had been at the company, but now and then I somehow saw him in a different light. His light brown hair was well groomed and simply sat on top of his head with the confidence of a hairstyle that needed very little attention from its owner. The clean-shaven face was adorned with a masculine jaw and strong cheekbones that held two ice-blue eyes like jewels in a setting of lightly tanned skin. An aura of boyish life, light, and play shone from him and drew people to him like gold draws the greedy. His upper body boasted shoulders wide enough to bear the weight of a world he did not yet understand and lean healthy muscles that were defined just well enough to complete the effect of perfection.

I thought about how popular he must be with girls. It must be so easy for him to find a lady to share the light and life that shone from him. He must be able to pick any woman he wants and have her hunger to touch and taste every inch of his skin… to please his body with hers and be filled with fleshy ecstasy as his body pleased hers. Somehow, at a level I could not get in touch with, I wanted what he had. Until I could learn to make the light that shone from him on my own, I somehow wanted to find a way to bask in it. Just once. Suddenly I became aware of a hot gentle throb on my thigh and was horrified to find that my dick had gotten half hard. I blushed and swallowed nervously.

“So… big plans this weekend with the wife unit?” His voice startled me enough to jar me back to reality.

“Actually, no. The ‘wife unit,’ as you call her, left with the kids this afternoon to visit her brother this weekend, so I'm on my own.”

“Oh gawd, what will you do? I mean, does a man your age go on some kind of golf festival or attend a marathon management seminar when he's got a weekend to kill?”

“Asshole,” I spat while threatening to flip a pencil at him. “Some of us have just outgrown having a different girl over every night and giving our paychecks to bars.” He shrugged again. I think that little shrug is one of the things that made him seem like a boy even though he had the body of a man. “Aren't you going to start your weekend by going out ‘hunting’ tonight?”

“Ha! Friday nights are for amateurs. I do all my serious hunting on Saturday nights.” As he continued to play with my desk toys, he gave me a sideways look, then that Peter Pan smile came back to his face as he looked away. “No, tonight I'm just going to take it easy at my parents' beach house with a few beers and a movie.” There was a pause that was, for some reason, uncomfortable. “Since you're a bachelor too tonight, why don't you come over for awhile?”

With the reflexes of a recluse who has been shaped by years of a basically happy life with wife and kids, I started to manufacture excuses. I watched each of them take shape in my conscious mind guided by the invisible hands of my subconscious. As soon as I would reject one, a new one would form, sometimes not waiting for the structure of the last one to be completely dismantled. I decided to put a stop to the inner dialog that I had little input into with a single word.

“All right. Why the hell not.”

“Well, Kyoool.” Tim did his Valley Guy impersonation. ”Show up about seven with your own beer and a movie if you don't think you'd like Predator.” He sat on my desk and helped himself to my scratchpad and my favorite mechanical pencil. “Here's how you get to the place.”

I had lived in and around Boca Raton so long that I almost didn't need a map, but I was glad he drew it. A-1A was noticeably free of the jeeps filled with people Tim's age and the kind of stereo amplifiers that drive those sub-sonic woofers you can hear from inside your house. Jaguars, Continentals, and Towne Cars cruised slowly, sharing space with the occasional six-doored, chauffeured limousine. I easily found the place Tim's parents had loaned him and admired the sculptured yard work on my way to the front door.

Tim answered the door wearing a tanktop and some casual loose fitting shorts. His eyes lit up and he thrust out a hand at me.

“Richard! Dude!” I shook the hand and even managed to follow some of the other ancillary shakes he unleashed on me after the more standard one.

He really wanted to give me the Grand Tour of the place, so I followed along. In his current costume he was showing much more skin than I was used to and, for some reason, I was attracted by its glow. I could size his body up more completely now, and found myself admiring the bands of muscles in his calves that flexed with latex fluidity as he ascended the stairs. His pectoral muscles squeezed and twitched, as his arms gestured towards this fixture or that piece of art.

I was vaguely concerned about the way I kept looking at Tim. I had never before really worried about homosexual tendencies, and most men's sexuality was simply invisible to me. I had jacked off with a buddy or two way back in the dark ages when I was a teenager, but everybody knows that horny teenagers sometimes get off together. So what was it about this young man and this time in my life that somehow made me want to ‘share’ him? I didn't even know what I wanted. The feeling was intense, carnal, and ineffable all at the same time. I wasn't afraid of being gay, the whole idea just never occurred to me before.

Later we began to crack open beers, talk about work and watch the movie. For awhile, my unknown hungers went back to sleep, and everything was just as it had always been. Tim was just a workmate and a friend whose company I enjoyed both in the office and outside it. Soon the normalcy of the situation was again chased away as I admired this young man in a new light. While his attention was consumed by the movie, his body was not continuously animated and could be examined more closely. As I was studying the contour of his thighs and the light blonde hairs that decorated them, I stopped and stared. The loose fitting leg openings of his shorts gave me a clear view to his right nut. There it was, out in the open for all to see. Like a ripe peach, it glowed with life and vigor just like the rest of him. He moved his leg, and the spectacle was gone.

After the movie, we continued to slurp suds and find plenty to talk about. In the process of the conversation, punctuated by piss breaks and trips back to the fridge for another cold beer, we ended up on the enclosed patio with the heated pool. Tim, who started out the evening shoeless, plopped down and sunk his feet into the crystal-clear water that reflected topaz blue from the pool's walls and submerged lights. Without even thinking about it, I slipped out of my loafers and rolled up my Dockers, so I could sit beside him with my feet in the water. Our talk got more and more rowdy, with lots of belly laughs that warmed me from the inside out. It felt good to let my hair down and just be young again. Maybe that is what I hungered for from Tim and this is how I could share it. The beer gave off a ruddy yellow glow in my veins, making me feel contented. Soon there were pauses in our chatting which were filled only with the sound of the water as our feet made little waves.

“The water feels wonderful.” I said more to myself than Tim. His face brightened a few degrees, and he slapped me on the back.

“Let's get in, then!” he exclaimed and sprang to his feet.

“I am hardly dressed for playing in the pool.”

“No problem. We don't need no stinking swimsuits!” Before it occurred to me what he was suggesting he had tossed his tanktop off and stepped out of his shorts. I'm sure my mouth dropped as I beheld the sight before me. He stood there, clothed only in his beautiful skin, which was uncluttered by hair except for the light brown bush at his genitals. His dick was plump, soft, and meaty, with the circumcised head of it hanging down directly between the two full balls. I closed my mouth and gulped. He dove into the water.

He surfaced and smoothed his hair out of his face. “Come on and get in the water!” he beckoned and playfully splashed at me. Again the excuses began to form. Part of me desperately wanted to run away, while part of me could think of nothing I wanted more than playing in the water with this man-boy. Again I was able to squash it all with a simple non-verbal “What the hell.” I stood up and began to lose my clothes while Tim watched.

I stood naked by the side of the pool for a moment, looking at Tim looking at me. I was afraid he found my older body unbecoming and was mildly ashamed. My body wasn't as tight as his, and my stomach did have some black hair on it to match that which grew at the top of my chest.

“Hey, not too bad for an old man!” He shouted from the middle of the pool. “Oh, and… um… your wife must be pretty happy with that tool you're carrying!” I think I must have blushed. He splashed more water at me and I dove in.

We swam a few laps and then draped our arms over the side of the pool to relax and talk some more. Strangely, I didn't feel naked or out of place. Being with him made me feel young and at peace with myself. I rarely let myself feel this mellow and allow all the tensions inside of me to leak out. Again, we got quiet and just listened to the water and the night sounds.

“I'll get us some towels.” Tim announced as he hopped up out of the pool. I found myself unashamedly watching from behind and admiring the way his balls hung down so they could be seen dangling under his tight white ass. My eyes never left him as I watched him walk into the little changing room by the pool for the towels. The muscles in his butt cheeks flexed with every step, making a little dimple on each side. As he returned with the towels, I again drank in the vision of his naked front side. His balls bounced to the rhythm of his walking, making his dick jiggle and dance. I found a ladder and got out of the water.

“Wow!” Tim exclaimed as soon as I was out of the water. I followed his eyes to my crotch and discovered that my dick was half hard. Suddenly I did feel naked and wanted to grab a towel from him to cover myself.

“Must've been the warm water and relaxation.” I fumbled, as I felt my skin grow hot with another blush. I reached for a towel, and he pulled them away as the lithe playful smile returned to his face. I couldn't help but notice that his dick had gotten longer and fuller too. I felt a wave of panic, but was frozen to the spot, not having a plan or a desire to stop what I was afraid was about to happen.

He stepped closer, and his dick throbbed to a point where it pointed straight out at me. I wanted to touch it, but couldn't move. All I could do was to stand there while my own member pulsed fuller and fuller. He got even closer, so that the head of my dick nearly touched his. I flinched a little, as he reached out to touch the hair on my chest with his fingertips. Conflicting emotions flashed through me as my heart raced in my chest. I felt outrage that he was forward enough to touch me this way, and filled with joy that it was happening. His hand moved down to my tummy hair, and lingered there to stroke it a bit. I thought my heart would explode by the time his hand made it down to my pubic area and wrapped around my now fully erect dick. I stumbled backwards leaving his hand hovering in the air. For the first time since I had known him, a look of hurt replaced the smile that always shone from his face. He sighed.

“Hey, man, I'm sorry. I just thought you… ” His voice trailed off and he couldn't look at me. “Look, I've been your friend for a long time, and the last thing I want to do is push a scene on you that you don't want.” His lungs filled slowly and then emptied with a puff that filled his cheeks, as he ran a hand through his hair. “I'm just real sorry, I hope you can forget about it.”

He turned and began to unfold my towel. My heart sank and a sadness filled me. I felt like I had tromped on a beautiful flower and would never again be able to appreciate its simple, pure beauty. Three simple steps brought the joy back as I embraced him from behind. With my dick nuzzled snugly between his butt cheeks I wrapped my arms around his chest and squeezed. It felt so good to be close to another person in this way. Pressing someone else's body to yours so tightly seems to say things that you cannot pronounce in any language. The message is always so much clearer without clothes in the way too. He pulled away from me slightly and turned around, so our pubic bones pressed against each other and our semi-flaccid dicks stuck together and flexed at each other, ignoring what we were doing.

“So what is it with you?” His voice was soft yet frustrated.

“I don't have any fucking idea.” I answered honestly, with something like terror and the smell of foreboding change sweeping up from within me and gripping me tight as I heard my voice. I really didn't know what was happening, how to control it, or even cope with it. Without my permission, my eyes got hot and my throat began to tighten. He just held me there and didn't make any demands of me. The emotions continued to build in me and I tried to stop them by holding my breath. I've always been very good at controlling myself and others. I took great pride in my ability to exercize my will on everything I surveyed. This time, however, my body betrayed my efforts with a single sniff, done reflexively to keep my nose from running.

He hugged me firmly, putting his cheek on my chest and both arms around my back where his hands could pat me. As if he felt music that my ears couldn't hear, he began to rock me ever so slowly while the night sounds crept in through the screens and soothed me with songs that mother Earth has used for millions of years. His voice, merely a whisper in my ear, did not break the spell, but was somehow woven into it.

“I know,” was all he said, and I knew that it was true.

“So you are…” I groped for what might be a politically correct term since I knew so little about this kind of thing “…gay?”

He lifted his cheek from my chest and looked at me with something like seriousness staining his expression. Almost as if the memory of something funny snuck up on him from behind, the sprite-like grin started at the left side of his mouth and moved to the right, followed by the light returning to his eyes.

“I am me. I love to share skin with people and what sex they are is just a detail. You can't pin a label on me.” He paused to look at the moon, closed his eyes and seemed to drink something in. “I'm what's next.”

Our eyes locked and something passed between us. I didn't know what it was, but it felt good inside me and the same light he radiated now glowed from behind my breastbone. That smile of his spread across my face, only this time it was my smile. My loins responded to the energy that flowed, and my cock once more pulsed fuller and throbbed to the beat of my heart. He gently pulled my arms from around him, took my left hand in his, and pulled me across the patio without even turning around.

I followed him into one of the bedrooms, where he finally turned around, letting me see that the boyish smile and light had returned to his eyes. He embraced me around the waist and I wrapped my arms around his shoulder blades. With his face on my chest and my chin resting on his shoulder, we rocked slowly, feeling each other's heart pound and the rise and fall of our chests. Our dicks were standing straight up and pressed tightly into each other's bellies, where the thunder of our pulse played on each other's skin.

He moved his face to my right nipple and began to caress it with his tongue. He lingered there to bite gently, sending bolts of pain and pleasure deep inside me. I let my arms rest at my side, as I felt his nose and lips move slowly down the center of my abdomen. He pulled my dick out of the way, and buried his nose in my pubic hair and inhaled deeply. My face felt hot, and my heart raced madly, as he wrapped a hand around the base of my cock and licked up the length of it to the underside of my head. A soft moan escaped from me, as I felt his hot pink little mouth stretch over the swollen head of my rock-hard dick. Hot blue electric ecstasy rippled up my spine, as his agile tongue massaged my dick from inside the velvety warm interior of his mouth. The head of my dick filled the roof of his mouth, as he stroked with his hand and scrubbed with his tongue.

I felt my balls begin to boil and that familiar wave of pressure deep in my belly build, and knew that if I didn't do something quick, the whole scene would be over before it really got started. Slowly I pulled him away from his worship of my dick and, without really planning to, picked him up in my arms and walked towards the bed. I plopped him down on his back, and watched his dick slap around as the bed springs rocked his body to and fro in a gentle rolling motion.

I crawled on top of him and pressed him to me again. The feeling of his body was so different from that of a woman. Muscle, bone, and smooth skin that was not the same silky texture as my wife's. I echoed what he had done to me, starting at his nipple with little nibblings, like I was used to with a woman. His hand rose to the back of my hair, got a handful and pulled. “C'mon, Daddy, bite that titty,” he pleaded through clenched teeth. It was then that I realized that having sex with a man was very different from that with women, and rolled his fat nipple firmly between my front teeth.

I had never had a dick in my mouth, but tonight I couldn't wait to try. I grabbed his cock and went down on it hungrily. I was surprised that it felt so good in my mouth. It seemed to fit there. I tasted his piss hole and was at the sweet flavor of the pre-cum that flowed from him. Working his dick with my hand and trying to suck more pre-cum from deep inside him made him move under me and moan, “Yea, Daddy suck this boy's dick… C'mon Daddy… Oh, yea… you know what your boy likes.” Hearing Tim called me Daddy somehow excited me even more, and I sucked and pumped his rod until all he could do is moan loudly to the rhythm of my attack.

“Oh, Daddy… you're gonna make me cum!” I pulled his dick out of my mouth and put mine up against the underside of his. Without even thinking about it, I put a dollop of spit in my palm and rolled it around the head of both our dicks, then wrapped my hand around them and began to stroke. Tim bucked under me like a wild animal, and the music of his moaning filled the room. Feeling a wave of hot cum building in me up to the point of no return, I stopped pumping with my hand and held on tight to our rock hard dicks and began to drive my dick up and down his with my hips. “Fuck my dick!… Oh yea, Daddy fuck me good!” Every muscle in his body tensed under me, and I watched a ribbon of thick white cum leap from his dick and land on his belly. Another volley geysered from him to stick on my belly, as I drove at him fast and furious. He continued to pump creamy white jism onto his skin, as I felt my own load build deep within me and erupt from my cock landing on his breastbone. Still, he came, as volley after volley thundered down the length of my dick to pool and mix with his. My hips continued minute movements of their own until both of our dicks had dry-heaved to the point of exhaustion.

I lay down on top of him and felt our sweat and cum stick us together. The musky smell of man seed was hot and thick, as we lay there feeling our hearts pound and our lungs race to catch up and replace the oxygen we had just used up. I felt as if I could almost fall asleep there on top of him.

Later, I showered with him, found my clothes and drove myself back home. The reality of what had happened did not fit into my life. Nagging doubts built to the point of near terror, as I wondered if Tim and I could ever go back to being the way we were and, most of all, what this meant about me and my marriage. I knew I wasn't gay, but I also learned that night that there was a side of me that hungered for and could deeply enjoy sex with a man. Would I do it again? What if my wife found out? Would my entire world crumble before me because of feelings that I didn't even realize I had until Tim? I felt like I had stumbled into a puzzle that had no solution.

That night I lay in bed wide awake, re-thinking the same thoughts over and over again. I had never felt so many things at the same time before. It felt as if the combined emotions of joy, carnal ecstasy, terror, and depression would cause me to burst into flame as I lay there in bed. I was grateful when the phone rang to give me something else to focus on.

“Hi, Rick.” Diane's voice was music to me. “Hi, honey, how was the drive?” “Oh, fine.” She yawned and I could picture her pretty pink mouth being covered by delicate feminine fingers. “I tried to call from Jacksonville, but you weren't there.” “Yea, I went over to Tim's for awhile.” “That sounds fun. Did you have a good time?” Ten years of love for her compressed down into a kernel of potent emotion that ached in my throat and threatened to express itself in tears. In a few fractions of a second, I re-lived white-hot sex with her that was just as potent as that I had had with Tim. No other woman ever turned my head. She was my lover, my friend, and my soulmate. I couldn't live without her. “Ummm Hmmm.” I dared not talk, or she would hear it in my voice. “Are you ok, honey?” She knew anyway. I paused and gained control of my emotions down as many layers as I possibly could. “Oh yea. Fine. Just Fine. I just had too many beers and stayed out too late. Kinda tired.” “Well you tuck yourself in, and I'll make you glad to see me when I get back.” “I'll look forward to that.” There was silence on the phone. I knew she knew something. “You sure you're ok?” “Yes, Diane. I promise I'm fine, now stop worrying.” She said nothing. The silence on the line was punctuated by the barely audible clicks of some sloppy switching system and a fine white microwave hiss. “I love you,” I said in my best bedroom voice. She made a little sound like purring, then we said our good-byes.

I think it was then that I decided that Diane and I would have to talk about the side of me I had discovered. Even if I could, I would never undo what Tim and I had shared, just as I would never voluntarily undo my relationship with her. I could no more cut off the new part of me that had grown and begun to blossom that night as I could cut off my own hand. Somehow we would incorporate all of the facets of me into the complicated thing that was ‘us.’

I crawled back into bed and rolled Tim's explanation of himself over and over in my mind. His words “I am me” somehow fit. I didn't need to squeeze into a label or worry about what I was ‘supposed’ to be, I simply am. I thought about Diane, Tim and the new me, until they melted into something beautiful. I knew we could work through it… I just knew it. More peaceful and contented than any pretense of bliss I had ever known, I felt my thoughts fade to muted tones, and I followed them into sleep.