Date: Sat, 17 Jun 2000 20:30:45 EDT From: Laughter and Tears Subject: A Love Like This - Chapter 10 Hi everyone, sorry this chapter took me so long . I'm not really sure why it did, but it did. Thank you to everyone who's e-mailed me since this story began and I hope you all are still happy reading this story. Feedback is more than welcome and thanks for reading! Stacia A month and a half later ... Chris, Joey, and Lance had all gathered in Joey's room for a pizza and a late movie. They were too tired from the concert they had finished earlier that night to really do anything else. "It's weird not having all five of us on the same bus," Chris commented. "It's just weird. Now I have, like, too much space, almost." "Yeah, I know," Lance agreed. "It's kind of weird but I'm sure in time we'll get so used to it that it'll piss us off if we're ever in such close quarters again." Joey nodded. "I've already gotten used to sharing my space with Lance and ONLY Lance. I mean, I love you and JC and Justin, but damn, now I can actually move around in the bus without being afraid I'm going to step on somebody. But you can totally ride with us if you don't want to cramp the lovebirds' style." Chris shook his head. "Uh-uh, no thanks. I chose to go with JC and Justin for a reason, and since they like the company, it's cool. I give them their space, they give me mine. I can totally work on business or talk to Danielle or sleep without interruptions from either of you. You two party too hard for me and I don't want you to feel like you have to hold back on that `cause I'm the old man getting in the way. Besides, I don't want it to be like, "Oh, you guys told us you were gay, and now we all wanna ride on a different bus." "Yeah, but isn't it kind of weird though?" Joey asked. "Like, they're together and you're just ... there?" "Oh, no, they're great. I kind of wondered if I was going to end up the third person out while they did their own thing all the time, but they're actually really, really good about it. They're really mindful of the fact that I'm there, too. I just don't ever wanna walk onto the bus and accidentally catch them gettin' it on. Talk about awkward." "I don't think you'll have that problem, Chris," Joey said. "I just get the feeling that they don't do that, period, never mind possibly in front of you. Don't ask me why, but I just don't get the sexin' vibes from them." Lance was paying attention to the topic of conversation but was definitely keeping his mouth shut. "Anyone curious enough to ask?" Chris inquired, only to be met with silence. "That's what I thought. Anyway, those two and I are having a wonderful time on the `N Sync Tour Bus of Love." "Hey, so are we," Lance claimed. "Well, we're not on the `N Sync Tour Bus of Love ... it's more like the Tour Bus of ..." "The Tour Bus of Heterosexual Fun," Joey finished for him. "Hey, I'm straight," Chris argued. "Are you trying to say I'm on the gay bus?" "Um, yeah," Lance teased. "You're outnumbered two-to-one." "Well, you know what? I happen to like it. They keep the place way cleaner than Joey." "Like we're saying, Chris - they're gay." Chris threw a pepperoni in Joey's direction. "That's such a stereotype." Joey threw it back and hit Chris in the face. "We're just kidding." ----- "God, what a day," JC said, collapsing onto the bed. He turned his body sideways and propped his head up with his elbow so he could face Justin, who was lying on his stomach next to him. The blankets were thrown back but Justin had pulled a sheet up a little above his waist. "I know," Justin sighed, putting his arms under his head for support. "Concerts take so much out of me at the beginning of a new tour." "You and me both, sweetie," JC agreed. "Now I don't have the energy to sexually ravage you like always." "Oh, too bad," Justin said, giggling a little. "I was looking forward to that." JC lovingly stroked down the center of Justin's back with the tips of his fingers, enjoying the feel of his smooth creamy skin. "Baby?" "Hmm?" Justin replied, closing his eyes. "You want children, don't you?" Justin's eyes popped open. He wasn't very sure if JC did. "Well, I would love to have children. Do you want them?" "Sure I do," JC answered. "You're going to be such a great father, Justin. God, our kids are going to be so lucky to have you." "I know. I mean, their other dad would be such a loser, they gotta have me to pick up the slack." JC slapped Justin's back lightly. "Well, it's one thing to say we want children, but we have to think of what that's really going to be like. Are you okay with adopting?" "Of course I am. Our kids don't have to have our DNA for us to love them." "I know, Justin ... but I don't know if we can even have kids like that. I don't know if adoption agencies would even let two gay men raise a child. And if they do, I don't know if it's right for us to do that. Other kids are going to have a mom and a dad and I don't know if it's right to confuse a kid from the start because he or she has two dads and no mom. And then there would be no way to deny to other people that we are in fact together -" "Josh, sweetie, calm down." Justin said, suddenly interrupting JC's tirade. "Everything will work out, I know it will. We're young and busy with our careers, it's going to be a long time before we can even think about bringing a child into the equation. We have years to think about that kind of stuff." "There are a lot of social realities about being gay that we're going to have to face later on, when we start thinking about the future and not so much the present," JC said quietly. "This is just one of them." "Well as long as we're together, that's all I really care about. I just want to be with you, I want to marry you someday, I want to wake up next to you every morning. That's all." JC smiled. "That's all," he repeated. "A lot of people would kill for what we have, you know?" "Mmm-hmmm." "Just imagine what our kids would look like if we could biologically have them," JC mused. "Big nose from me, wild hair from you, and skinny legs from the both of us." "That would be a scary hybrid," Justin said, then paused. "Josh, do you think we make a good-looking couple?" JC tilted his head to the side, slipping his hand underneath the sheets to massage Justin's lower back. "I think you're too pretty for me." Justin pouted a little. "What do you mean, I'm too pretty? Is that bad?" "No, sweetie, I just don't deserve you. I'm just this plain guy with a big head and bursting veins and here I am with someone who has the most angelic face and the sweetest smile in the whole world." The corners of Justin's mouth turned up. "Now I wouldn't say that." "There it is, it's that smile," JC said. "You can light up a room with that smile." "You're so corny, Josh. How did I ever end up with a guy like you?" JC shrugged. "Got lucky, I guess." "Really lucky," Justin corrected. He let a yawn pass through his lips. "I'm really tired." "It's kind of early. Do you want to go to sleep?" "Mmm, not really," Justin considered. "Think of something to keep me up." "Hmmmmmm. Do you want to grope each other and do other X-rated things?" Justin smiled. "Sounds tempting, and that would definitely keep me up, but I just don't really have it in me to move that much right now. Think of something else." "Okay, baby, let's play a game of hypotheticals." "Alright," Justin readily agreed. "You go first." "Where do you think you would be right now if Chris had never called you up about 'N Sync?" "Hmmmmm." Justin bit his lip in concentration. "I would probably have kept trying the show business thing, and if that didn't pan out by the time I graduated from high school, I would have gone to college, joined the choir or something, maybe played some basketball." "And you'd have a nice little girlfriend?" Justin smirked. "Yeah, probably." "You'd be happy living that life," JC remarked. "Yeah, probably. But there isn't just one path you can take in life to be happy, Josh. There are lots of different courses. And granted, that life would probably have been one of them, and I could be happy being Mr. American College Student. But I wouldn't be happy with you. And that makes all the difference in the world." JC smiled and kept stroking Justin's back. "You're too nice to me." "I try to be charitable to the pity cases," Justin joked. "Now it's my turn. Let's see ... how would you have reacted if ... when you told me you were in love with me, I told you I couldn't return those feelings?" JC pulled his hand back and frowned. "That's not a very happy question." "Oh, Josh, I didn't mean to upset you," Justin said in an alarmed voice. "I know, I'm just kidding," JC said, breaking into a grin. "Just playing around." He changed his position so he was lying down right next to Justin with his head resting on the back of Justin's shoulder. "Well aren't you going to keep rubbing my back?" Justin complained playfully. "Oh, you know I love any excuse to touch you." JC reached up and put his flat palm on Justin's back, running it down slowly and gently. "I like feeling the vibrations off your back when you talk." "Yeah, yeah, everything I do is like magic. So answer my question already." "I never knew you were so impatient." He paused. "Well I guess I would have been devastated. I know you wouldn't want me to feel that way; you'd never want me to feel bad about anything, but I would have wanted to die. This isn't just some crush that I could just get over if it was unrequited. I have to love you, I need you to love me back. Does that make sense?" Justin closed his eyes again. "It does. But I guess that really wasn't a very happy question, 'cause now I'm getting all sad thinking about it." "I know, but they're just hypotheticals." "Uh huh," Justin breathed. "Okay, I'm going to go again because I say so. Suppose the world is going to end in five minutes. What do you want to do in those five minutes?" JC laughed and started playing with the waistband of Justin's boxers. "Are you getting the picture?" "That's what I thought," Justin said, smirking. "I knew it." JC kissed Justin's shoulder blade quickly. "I'm playing around again. I knew you were going to think that I'd want to do that." "Well, wouldn't you?" Justin asked curiously. "Uh-uh. First of all, I couldn't finish in five minutes." "My man likes it slow," Justin said, laughing. "I knew you weren't a quick shooter." It was JC's turn to smirk. "That's right, baby. No, but really, why would I want to spend my last few minutes with you doing that? I'd just want to hold you, to tell you I love you, to breathe you in. If I couldn't enjoy the afterglow of sex I just wouldn't even want to bother." Justin sighed. "And you say I'm the one who's too nice." "Justin, do you think we're too emotional together?" JC asked softly. "I don't know, I just repeated what I said in my brain and it sounded so desperate and cheesy and lame." "It's okay to be emotional," Justin argued. "What we have together is very emotional, there's nothing wrong with that. Besides, how could we not be? Normal couples can express how they feel about each other anytime they want, but we only get a little bit of time together at night and maybe some hushed moments here and there. We have to cram in a whole day's worth of emotions in a few hours." "That's true. I should always listen to whatever you say." "Because you know I'm so much smarter than you." "I know," JC said with a little sigh. "But do you ever really wish we could be considered a normal couple?" "Sometimes, yeah, I do. I mean, it would definitely make things easier in a lot of ways. But what's normal, really? Normal's not better, it's not special. And we're not normal people separately, so why should we be normal together?" JC smiled. "You've got a point there. Justin, angel, I know you're tired and everything, but do you think that maybe it would be okay if we slept like this?" "What? You mean with your big head crushing my back?" "Yes, please." "Okay, sweetie. It's hollow anyway." "Hey!" "I'm just playin'. We can stay like this as long as you keep rubbing my back until I fall asleep." "Okay. I was going to anyway." ----- Their hotel room was slowly flooding with streams of daylight. JC woke up and saw that they had each naturally moved to their own sides of the bed during the night. "Justin, wake up," JC said softly, shaking Justin's shoulder a bit. "What?" Justin replied, half asleep. "Sweetie, wake up," JC repeated. Justin groaned and opened one eye. "Josh, it's so early, what are you doing?" "I want to show you something." "Josh," Justin whined sleepily, "it's too early. Later, okay? Go back to sleep, you love to sleep." JC grabbed Justin's hand and pulled on it lightly. "Justin, baby, wake up. I can only show this to you now." Justin still refused to budge and buried his face in the pillows. JC started to physically pull him out of the bed. "Josh, okay, okay," Justin said, a little irritated. "What is it?" "Come with me," JC said, helping Justin to his unsteady feet. "We're gonna sit out on the balcony for a little bit." Justin grabbed a blanket off the bed and followed JC out the sliding glass door in his sleepy confusion. "I wanted to watch the sun rise with you," JC told him. Justin stopped rubbing his eyes. "Oh that's so cute," he cooed. "I knew I was dating a secret hopeless romantic." JC sat down in one of the chairs and patted his lap. "Come here, angel." Justin sat down sideways, tucking his knees up close to his chest and resting his head on JC's shoulder. JC took the blanket from him and draped it over them. "Don't fall asleep," JC whispered in his ear. "I won't, I promise." Justin snuggled a little closer and JC wrapped an arm around him, rubbing his back lightly. He tipped Justin's face up. "I know the rule is no kissing until you brush your teeth, but could we break that rule?" Justin smiled. "Okay, just this once." They kissed briefly and Justin rested his head on JC's shoulder again while they watched the sun come up over the horizon. "It's so pretty," Justin commented. JC murmured his agreement. "I know, it's beautiful." Justin looked at JC only to find JC staring down at him. "Josh, you're not even looking," Justin said. JC shook his head. "Yes I am." ----- "Where the hell are they?" Joey asked, confused. "They're not picking up the phone or answering the door. And when I got a key to their room from the front desk, the receptionist said she didn't see them leave. Where the hell would they go this early in the morning anyway?" "Maybe they're fucking and they don't want to be disturbed," Chris suggested sarcastically. "Chris, they don't fuck," Joey said, slightly admonishing his attempt at humor. "I fuck; they don't. They love each other too much." He swung the door open a couple of inches. "Justin? JC?" No answer. Joey opened the door wider. "Are you guys in here?" They stepped inside the room and saw the unmade but empty bed. "Okay, so where the fuck are they?" Chris asked. "They're out on the balcony," Lance said, his gaze falling on the open sliding door. They walked over and see JC asleep in one of the balcony chairs with Justin sleeping in his lap. "Oh this is such a cute little picture," Chris said. "This is definitely going on the front of next year's `N Sync Christmas card. Merry Christmas from `N Sync. May your holidays be happy and gay." Lance laughed and elbowed Chris in the ribs. "What? It's not okay for me to be so comfortable about them being gay that I can make jokes about it?" "Is this, like, okay for them to do this? Out in public?" Joey asked. Chris shrugged. "Who's really going to see them? It's not even six in the morning yet." Lance reached over and shook JC's shoulder. "JC, wake up." JC didn't even stir. Chris took a turn and rapped his knuckles against JC's head. "Hey, dude, wake up." Justin's eyes opened slowly and he looked up at them in confusion. "Huh?" Lance smiled. "You two need to get up and get ready. We've been awake for half an hour." "Okay," Justin replied. "We'll get up and get ready." ----- Joey, Lance, and Chris politely filed out of the room to get something to eat and JC and Justin returned to their bed, ignoring their friends' suggestions that they hurry. "I'm gonna go take a shower," JC said five minutes later, getting up. "Is it okay if I join you?" Justin asked, kicking the sheets back. "Of course, baby." JC was a little surprised at Justin's request. They didn't shower together very often; it was just something they didn't normally do, and he didn't really know why. To him, it was kind of a double-edged sword situation. He thought Justin was the sexiest person he'd ever met and he loved to just watch him move. He could look at Justin wearing leather pants or a tight sweater and maintain some semblance of self-control. But he got a little nervous when Justin was so physically close to him, let alone naked, because he didn't want Justin to see the lust and desire in his eyes that he knew would overcome him. JC knew that Justin was in this relationship mostly for the emotional side of it. Compared to Justin, JC was a veteran to "the gay thing." Everything was very new to Justin and JC had made a vow to himself to respect that. Being with a man was something that could take a while to get used to and JC didn't want to push him. The shower progressed playfully, marked with occasional giggles and kisses. JC poured out some shampoo and swirled it through Justin's hair, working up a good lather while Justin looked at him with an innocent expression. JC sighed to himself while he stared back at him. With his usually out of control hair wet, it was just so obvious what a sweet face Justin had. Not that his curly hair hid it under normal circumstances, but now, all JC could see was his glowing little face. "You're my little baby," he commented. "I'm not a baby!" Justin argued with mock protest. "I'm nineteen years old." "Well, I'm older than you, so that makes you my little baby." "Okay," Justin agreed. His eyes flickered up suspiciously. "What are you doing to my hair?" JC continued shaping Justin's soapy hair. "Giving you a mohawk. You're my deviant rock star boyfriend now." "Can I go back to being your little baby?" "Okay," JC said, turning the water on so Justin could wash the soap away. "Ow, I got soap in my eye!" Justin said suddenly, squinting. JC cupped Justin's chin in his hands anxiously. "Open your eyes, baby, just flush it out." "I'm just kidding," Justin said with a giggle, opening his eyes again. "Justin, don't do that to me," JC reproached. "You know how I worry about you." "I know, I'm sorry," Justin said quickly with a sheepish smile. "It's okay." JC trailed his hand down Justin's arm. "Are you all clean now?" "Yup." JC reached for the knob to turn the water off, but Justin reached out and stopped him. "Can we have a little fun first?" "What kind of fun?" JC asked before he was cut off with a kiss. "Oh, you mean that kind." Justin nodded mischievously and interlaced his fingers with JC's for a moment and then let go. He pushed JC against the wall and out of the path of the flowing water to do some of the groping that JC had suggested the night before. "Oh, God," JC groaned in Justin's ear. Justin responded by kissing JC almost desperately and caressing his back. JC pushed Justin away from him a bit and started to kneel on the floor of the tub. "Josh ..." Justin trailed off. JC placed a series of little kisses on Justin's inner thigh and batted his eyelashes against Justin's skin a few times to tickle him a bit. "Josh, don't tease me," he said anxiously. JC smiled faintly and stopped his foreplay while Justin ran his hands slowly through JC's hair. Ten minutes later, JC stood up slowly to face Justin, whose knee buckled causing him to fall forward a bit and into JC's arms. "Wow, I didn't know I was that good," JC said jokingly. The hot water was still running and steam was quickly filling the bathroom, but all JC could feel was the warmth of Justin's body pressed against his. He wrapped his arms around Justin's waist to keep him close. Justin leaned into JC and rested his forehead against JC's. He closed his eyes and paused a second. "Josh?" he whispered, barely audible over the sound of the water. "Hmmm?" "Could I be your angel forever?" Justin asked softly. JC pressed his lips against Justin's in an affirmative kiss. ----- JC was still on a mental high when he walked into Lance's hotel room later that morning. Things had only gotten better since they had started touring. Even though they were bouncing from place to place, they at least had a pretty regular schedule and private time on the bus and at the hotel. As long as they did their jobs on stage, they could do whatever else they wanted on their own time. "Lance, do you have a new razor I can borrow? Mine's all dull and I don't want to go downstairs to get one." Lance was sitting at the little hotel table with a pile of papers and his cell phone in front of him. "Yeah, sure, there's one in the bathroom." "Okay, thanks, I owe you one." JC was halfway out the door when he stopped. "Lance, what's the matter?" Lance looked up in surprise. "Nothing," he said quickly, trying to sound happy. "Lance, you are a terrible liar. If nothing's wrong, how come you look like someone just ran over your dog?" Lance sighed. "It's really no big deal, honest. Besides, there's nothing I can do about it." JC frowned. "Well, why don't you tell me about it, and we'll see if there's anything that can be done." Lance stood up. "No, that's okay. I don't want to bring you down with my dumb little problems." JC grabbed Lance's arm as he started to walk away. "Lance, we ARE best friends, right?" "Right." "Best friends don't bring each other down, they help each other out, okay? Now sit your white ass down and talk to me." Lance smiled a little. "See, things can't be THAT bad if you're smiling," JC said. "It's not like a real problem or anything," Lance started to explain, "I'm just a little lonely, that's all." "I'm sorry, Lance," JC said guiltily. "I know me and Justin tend to forget about everyone else sometimes, and Chris is always thinking about Danielle -" "No, that's okay," Lance said. "You guys have relationships, you have other people to think about. And it's not that I'm lonely and want someone to hang out with me. I just want - I just want someone that I can love like that - I want what you and Justin have. I'm just a little tired of feeling so lonely all by myself. It's kind of hard to realize that I'm going to be lonely for a really long time." "What are you talking about?" JC argued. "You're a great guy, and some girl's going to come along any day now and -" "No, that's just it, JC," Lance interrupted. "There's no one for me to be with. I'm out of options. You know how hard it is to meet people who aren't all into the celebrity status. Even if I was lucky enough to find someone that I liked enough, no matter how hard I tried, it wouldn't be able to work. We're never in one place long enough. I can't keep a relationship going like that. I don't want it to be me calling her at night on my cell phone or waving to her from the bus window when we pull away. I don't want to be just a voice on the phone and a face she can see on tv. I can't ask someone to try to understand my situation, and I wouldn't want to be half a boyfriend to someone I cared about. "I know a lot of people have successful long distance things - I mean, look at Chris - but it's just too hard. I have friends who went away to college and tried to stay with their high school girlfriends and boyfriends. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't, but we're different. I just don't have enough in common with normal girls. I'd be calling them and they'd tell me about this frat party they went to or this killer physics test they just failed. I'd be telling them about recording in Sweden and performing at some awards show. "That's what's so great about you and Justin. You never have to say good-bye to each other. You guys are on the same life track. You both understand each other's situations because they're the same. I don't know ... I'm going to be Lance from `N Sync until God knows when. And I just don't think I'm going to be able to be with anybody until I get to be Lance Bass again." JC nodded in understanding. He knew exactly what Lance was talking about - he had felt the same way himself at times - that is, before he had Justin. He had felt a little condemned to a life of loneliness simply because of who he was. "I know how you feel, Lance, I really do. But you're young, you're barely 21 years old. When I was 21, I was in relationships that didn't really mean anything to me and that I didn't really understand. And now look at me two years later, I'm in love with someone that I'm going to spend the rest of my life being in love with. Things can change - things WILL change, you just kind of have to wait it out, you know? I know that sounds really shitty but that's life for you. You have downs to make you cherish the ups." Lance smiled a little. "Yeah, I know, when you say it out loud it sounds so logical but it sucks to live through it. But I know you were there once, too. Things would just be so much easier if Joey and I were gay and in love, huh?" JC laughed. "Somehow I can't imagine Joey being gay. He likes women a little too much." Lance shrugged. "I know. God, you're so lucky you have Justin. You two love each other so much, it must be nice to have that anchor." "Yeah, it is," JC agreed. "But there are anchors out there for everyone, I promise." "Ugh, I hate whining about this crap," Lance said. "Let's all feel sorry for Lance Bass now. Oh, poor kid. Things could be so much worse, and I'm complaining about this." "It's okay, Lance." Lance sighed. "Well, you should probably go back to your room and let Justin shave for you again." "How do you know about that?" "Oh come on, JC," Lance said, laughing a little. "We all know about that. We do impressions of you two. Now go already!" Lance gave him a little push out the door and closed it behind him. Lance heard JC's retreating footsteps in the hall and leaned against the door, facing his big empty hotel room. Back to being alone again. And there you go. Chapter 11 should be coming along next week (I think). Once again, thanks for reading and if you want visit the website version of this story at http://www.geocities.com/laughter_and_tears/ ... there's a mailing list if you want to subscribe. Until next time .