Date: Mon, 17 Apr 2000 06:22:50 EDT From: Alternate 'N Sync Subject: A Love Like This - Chapter 5 I'm sorry for the long delay in this chapter. I had to sort out things in my head before I could write this and feel comfortable with the results. In case you didn't read the announcement from a couple of days ago, I would really appreciate it if you would read it either now or after reading this chapter. Usual disclaimer, usual everything. On with the story ... Later that night, Justin gingerly knocked on Lance's door. "Lance?" Lance swung the door open, his hair wet from his shower. "Hey, Justin, what's up?" "Could I talk to you for a second?" Justin asked, almost timidly. "Of course, come on in." Justin sat down on Lance's bed. "It's kind of ... well I feel a little weird talking to you about this, but I need to talk to someone. Okay, actually, I need to talk to YOU." Lance nodded. He understood what Justin meant. Justin was his confidant, and he was Justin's. Justin knew that he could come to Lance with anything without having to worry about rejection or judgment. He knew that Lance would simply sit and listen to him talk for hours and hours on end. "Sure, what's up?" Lance asked, sitting next to Justin. "You know what you said earlier this morning, when I first opened the door ... about keeping the sex on the bed ..." Justin trailed off. Lance felt the same twinge of regret from that morning. "I'm sorry," Lance said. "I shouldn't have said that. That's totally your business. That's private, I didn't mean to upset you." "No, it's okay, don't apologize. I wanted to ask you about that ... why did you say that? Do you think that Josh and I are having sex?" "You mean you aren't?" Lance blurted out in surprise. Justin was immediately flustered by Lance's quick response. "No, we're not," he said. "Oh, okay. I'm sorry about how I just reacted." "Why did you think that we were?" Justin asked quietly. "I didn't think - I just assumed," Lance answered. "Well, why did you assume we were? Because we've been together for months?" "Justin, I don't know if I can talk about this with you," Lance said gently. "Why don't you want to talk about it?" Justin asked, hurt. "Is it because we're two guys? Is that just so gross to you?" Lance quickly reassured him. "No, no, it's not that. It's just that - seriously, you two are my best friends. I sleep in the room next to you. I don't really want to know what you're doing and not doing in bed. It's like if my sister came to me and told me what sexual position she prefers. It's not like you want to know about what I'm doing, right?" Justin laughed a bit. "Yeah, I know what you mean. I understand." "Look, it's okay. If you want to talk about it, we can talk about it. I just don't want to know details." "Okay." Justin paused. "Well, we're not having sex. Not even close, really. Do you think that's weird?" "Why would I think that's weird?" Lance asked, a bit confused. "Why did you sound so surprised when I said we weren't? I could hear it in your voice. Do you think that we should be?" "Justin, what does what I think have to do with anything? And besides, there aren't any should's or should not's when it comes to timelines for sex. You do it when it's right." "I don't know. I asked you if I thought we should be at that stage because I don't trust myself right now. I don't trust how I feel about it at all. I don't want to have sex with Josh yet, but I don't know if I'm thinking all wrong." "Why don't you want to?" "I don't know," Justin said, squirming a bit. "I guess I'm kind of scared? I don't know. I've never - I've never had a boyfriend before. I've never had someone that I really cared about this much. I loved some of my ex-girlfriends, but not like this. I can honestly say that I'm best friends with this person. That was never really true before, I know that now. I don't know why that makes it harder. But I love Josh so much, Lance. I should be able to do this with him." "Why are you putting so much pressure on yourself about this?" Lance inquired. "Why are you putting any pressure on yourself at all?" "Because I'm the slow one, Lance. JC is ready to do it. I'm the one that's holding us back." Lance's earlier request to be spared of the details had flown out the window. Justin was speaking freely and Lance was listening attentively. It really wasn't so weird to hear about it in practice. Justin was his best friend and he needed someone talk to. Lance wanted to be there for him. "It was four months before we did anything beyond groping and making out. It just sort of happened, and it wasn't weird, not even at first - giving him blow jobs and stuff. That's the most we've ever done. And I like it when I'm doing it, but sometimes I don't do it because I like it. I do it because he likes it." "Justin!" Lance couldn't help but yell. "Do you know how JC would feel if he knew that?" Justin's eyes widened. "You can't tell him!" "I wouldn't do that," Lance said, dropping his voice in volume. "I just wanted to listen and not tell you what to do, but I'm going back on that. You can't do that if you don't want to, Justin." "It's not that I don't want to," Justin asserted. "I do, honest. It's just that I'm not driven by all this passion and lust every time. That's not wrong." "It's not," Lance agreed, "but you can't do it just to please him. Do you want your relationship to be like that?" "No, I don't," Justin conceded, "but it's like relationships have to be continually progressing. You eventually have to move to the next level. So after a while, we moved to that level. And now the next level is sex, and I don't know ..." "That isn't a good enough reason. I know you want a genuine, sincere relationship. And this - this isn't geniune and it isn't sincere." Justin nodded like he understood. "Justin, give me an honest answer. Who is the sex really important to? You or JC?" Justin paused and looked down. "I guess it's me. Yeah, it's me." "Why is it so important to you when it's not to him?" Lance prodded gently. "I don't know," Justin said uncertainly. "The act of sex isn't that important to me. I don't know. I keep wondering all these things in my head, like why can't I just do this with him? I've had sex with other people before, but I guess this is different. He's my best friend. I don't know why that makes it different, but it does. I don't know - I guess I want this to stay pure, and I don't know if that's going to happen if we have sex. I don't want it to be whatever percent love, and whatever percent lust and sex." "Sex is a big step, Justin. The more the person means to you, the more important the nature of the sex is. You don't really want to just go ahead and make love with JC if it's not the way you want it, do you?" "Don't call it that," Justin was quick to say. "I never call it that. The sentiment behind that term is nice, but for me, I don't like it. I would never "make love" with Josh. We already have love. It's just the physical complement that we're missing." "Okay. But answer my question." Justin thought back to Lance's original question. "No, I wouldn't do that. That wouldn't be fair to either of us." Justin put his head in his hands. "God, why am I getting all fourteen-year-old girl about this? Maybe this month's issue of YM has some answers for me." "Justin, it's okay to be confused and scared." "But why am I so confused and scared? I love Josh so much, Lance. And I know that I should wait, I know I shouldn't do it until I'm not so confused, otherwise it would just be wrong. But what if I'm always this confused? "I really doubted all of this a lot at first. I had so many questions in my head that I didn't have any answers to. How could I be so sure I was gay when I had acted so straight for my entire life? How could I make any kind of commitment, or even a real acknowledgement of this part of me? And how did I know that I wanted to be with Josh? This was just the tip of the iceberg - I can't even tell you how confused I was, Lance. And there weren't any answers. No tangible ones. I just - I just felt it. I looked at JC and I just knew in my heart that he was it for me. Gender and social standards and my own preconceptions aside - the two of us together just makes sense to me. "I guess I just have to wait for this situation to make some more sense. And I know what I have to do - or, what I can't do, while I wait. I know JC will understand, but I feel bad that he has to understand at all." "Don't ever feel bad for being the way that you are," Lance told him vehemently. "It's who you are that JC fell in love with." "I know I make things intense," Justin said, almost as though he was apologizing for himself. "More intense than they need to be, or should be. Part of it is my own nature, and part of it is this life that I live. I make things so emotional and heavy, and I can't help it. Why does he put up with me and all of my shit?" "JC loves you, Justin. He's so in love with you. He doesn't care about sex or any of that. He doesn't care that you make things intense. He wants you to make things intense with him. If only you really saw how he looks at you. You see it, but at the same time, you don't. He just - I don't know how to describe it - his eyes get glazed over and he gets this little smile on his face ..." Justin tipped his head to the side. "How do you know this, Lance?" "Justin, I have two eyes, you know! I just pay attention sometimes; I like to watch you two sometimes. It reaffirms my belief in true love. And besides, if I can't have it, I like to get a glimpse of what it's like." "Lance, you'll get more than just a glimpse someday," Justin said, putting his arm around Lance and resting his head on his shoulder. "Some great girl is going to come along and how could she resist you? Your mom will love her and you'll have 2.5 kids and maybe even a dog named Poo-Fu!" "Oh don't even mention that name around me!" Lance said, cringing in half-amusement. "Talking about this out loud really helped, Lance. Thank you for listening to me, no matter how weird or insane I get." "I'm used to craziness. We live with Chris, you know?" Justin smiled. "I'm definitely better off now than I was before we talked, but I don't understand why I just can't sort this all out in my mind." "You can fool yourself into thinking that love can be understood here," Lance said, pointing to his forehead, "but never here." He trailed his hand down to his heart. "And I've never seen anyone who's really in love operate solely on the brain." "How did you get so wise all of a sudden?" Lance smiled at the compliment. "What can I say? I've been hanging around Joey less and less." "Okay then , genius, I'm going to ask you something and please, please be honest with me. Don't lie because you don't want to hurt my feelings, okay?" "Okay." "I'm asking you this because I know you're religious, too," Justin began. "I had a hard time dealing with this at first - I tried to deny that I was gay because it was against everything I'd been taught. Lance, do you - do you think that it's wrong for me and Josh to be together?" Lance shrugged. "How can something so obviously right be wrong?" he asked. Justin smiled. "I'm really lucky to have you as a friend, Lance." "You know it." Lance paused. "Well, there's one thing you can do so we can call it even." "What?" Justin asked. "I get to be the best man at the wedding. You gotta pick me over Joey and Chris." Justin laughed. "Aw, come on. Josh and I are going to have at least three best men." "But can I be the BEST best man? I already have the toast at the reception planned out. And I already have my tuxedo placed on layaway! In two years, that baby's mine." Justin and Lance started to laugh. "I'm not going to make you any promises," Justin retorted. "But JUSTIN! It's powder blue and everything! It even has ruffles! You're going to take one look at me and wonder why you're marrying JC." Justin doubled over with laughter and fell off the bed. "Lance, if you don't stop making me laugh, I'm never going to be able to fall asleep tonight, and that means I'm going to be VERY grouchy in the morning." Lance extended his arm to help Justin up off the floor. "And we can't have that now. You go back to your room and your boyfriend and get some sleep." Justin was halfway out the door when he heard Lance's voice again. "And I said get some SLEEP, okay? None of this weird kinky sex I know you're into." "GOOD NIGHT, LANCE," Justin said over his shoulder. "Justin?" Lance stuck his head out the door. "Yeah?" "Try not to let all of this build a rift or anything between you and JC. Honesty and communication is the best way to go, I think. I mean, look at us. If we had never talked this morning, we never would have worked out our misunderstanding." Justin nodded. "Yeah, I know. Good night for real now." Lance smiled. "Good night." Justin walked into his own hotel room and was surprised to see the lights were off. The curtains were partially open and Justin could see JC lying in the bed. "Josh? Are you awake?" Justin whispered. "Yup," a voice answered from under the blankets. "You went to bed without me," Justin pouted, pulling his shirt over his head. He walked over to JC's side and unexpectedly pulled the covers back. JC's eyes popped open. "Hey, I'm cold!" he said, giggling a bit. "I can warm you up a little," Justin said, crawling over JC to his side. "Ooh, is that a promise?" JC rolled over and spooned their bodies together. He pressed his cheek against Justin's shoulder blade. "I like being this close to you." "Me too," Justin agreed. "So what were you doing with Lance?" JC asked. "You were gone so long I thought maybe you two had eloped to Vegas." Justin smiled. "No, we were just talking, hanging out. I meant it when I said that I was going to try to hang out with the guys more." "Are you implying that I didn't?" JC asked, pretending to be mad. "Hey, I can't help it if my boyfriend is flaky," Justin replied. JC responded by tickling Justin's stomach. Justin tried to squirm out of JC's grasp but JC only held him tighter. JC stopped his tickling and Justin's laughter subsided. "Mmm, I could get used to this," JC said in a low voice, snuggling closer. "So could I." Justin remembered his discussion with Lance. He decided that Lance was right. It really was Justin who was turning the physical aspects of the relationship into an issue. JC was just being affectionate and sweet. "Are you nervous about tomorrow?" JC asked. Justin swallowed. "Yeah." "Don't worry too much," JC said. "Things will work out just fine." Justin wished he could be so sure. "Do you know what my favorite times with you are?" JC asked suddenly. "The ones that I think about and that make me happy?" Justin shook his head. "I love just being with you. Just holding you. I love when we stay up all night just talking, even if it's about dumb stuff. I love listening to you breathe while you sleep, hearing you laugh, watching you blink." Justin turned to face JC. The moonlight was falling across JC's handsome features and illuminating his clear blue eyes. Justin met his gaze and saw that look that Lance had described for him before - that unwavering doe-eyed, loving stare. "I don't call you Sunshine for nothing, you know," JC continued. Justin laughed. "You can't call me that anymore! I haven't been blonde for so long!" "I don't call you that because of the way you look. I call you that because of how you make me feel." Justin closed his eyes. It had been a long day. But with JC there, he always went to sleep happy. And there's Chapter 5 for you! I hope you liked it. Chapter 6 will coming along shortly (I already have most of it written, it's just up for revision right now.) As usual, I appreciate any and all feedback. Thank you!