Date: Thu, 31 Aug 2000 23:40:09 -0500
From: Silent Kid <silentkid@angelfire.com>
Subject: affirmation 16

Hi everyone, I just want to say a big thank you to all the people who've
written over the last chapters, and all the new friendships I'm forming.
I'm really touched that you all are enjoying the story so much. :) Please
keep writing!  Amber :)


Disclaimer: This story is a work of fiction.  It contains homosexual themes
and is not meant to reflect on the actual character or lives of Savage
Garden, Boyzone, 5ive, or Robbie Williams.  Do not read if you are under
age.


All the way to the airport, Darren rolled the words over in his head; the
ones he would say upon reaching the ticket desk.  "One way single to San
Francisco, please."  In his addled state, he figured some rehearsal was
called for.  So, it came as quite a shock to him when he looked up at the
smiling woman in her red blazer and blurted,

"One to Brisbane."

She might have said, "Brisbane, California?" but, deducing from his accent
what he meant, she wisely said, "Australia?" and Darren agreed.  Granted,
she could have said "Nebraska?" and he still would have nodded absently,
ready to go anywhere, just so long as it wasn't here.  New York had kicked
him in the ass again.  His stomach played scatterbrain in its excitement to
be rid of the city.  He leaned up on the counter, pulling himself on his
tiptoes as he explained that no, he didn't have any luggage to check, and
he didn't care about an aisle seat, and could he please just get on a
plane, preferably the next one.  The woman nodded, careful smile in place,
diligently entering all his information.  As he handed over his credit
card, though, her smile faded.  She handed it back solemnly.

"I'm sorry, sir.  This is expired."

"What?"

"Yes, sir.  Last week."  She pointed at the date.

He stared.

"Do you have another card?"

He shook his head.  Oh, god.  He was stranded.  He knew where the new card
was.  At home on his kitchen table, along with all the other ignored mail.
He *would* have to mistake that envelope for a solicitor's letter, wouldn't
he?

She stood, finger hovering, ready to cancel the transaction.  The smile on
the cusp of a grimace, there for protocol only--she wasn't happy about
wasting time on this shaky man.

"Isn't there any way?" he asked desperately.

"Do you have cash?"

"No."

She shrugged.  "I don't know what to tell you."

"Do you take checks?"

"Is it a New York state bank?"

He shook his head.  It hurt.  He resisted the urge to massage his temples.
He dug his fingers into the desk's lip.  "Look, surely there's something we
can do.  I can't stay here.  You have to understand that.  I have to leave.
Now!"

She took a step back, about to call security on the increasingly frantic
man standing before her.  Darren noticed, but his descent into bathos had
already begun.  "Please," he said, practically moaning.  He reached to her,
over the desk, and managed to grab her wrist.  He pulled her to him,
whispering with a scratched throat, "You don't know what it's like.  You
have to understand.  Please.  Help me."

As she opened her mouth to scream, a deep voice behind them spoke up.
"Daz."

Darren looked up, loosening his grip on the woman.

"Darren." The lyrical voice said, soothingly.

Darren turned around, slowly, as if he was preparing himself for
disappointment if the voice didn't belong to the right person.  It did,
though, and he shook with relief as he fell into Daniel's waiting arms.
Daniel crushed him gently to himself .

"I'll take him now.  Thank you," he said to the woman.  She nodded, at a
loss to understand any of it.

"What are you doing here?" Darren asked when he was able to speak again.

"Did you really think I wouldn't be on a plane in a second after that last
conversation we had?"

Darren smiled gratefully.  "I feel like such a wuss."

"Yeah, but you're my wuss," Daniel said affectionately.

"I was going to Brisbane," Darren said.  "I meant to say San Francisco."

"Well, your subconscious knows what you need."

"Can we go now?  Please?"

They had broken the hug a minute ago, but Darren kept a hand on Daniel's
forearm, lightly reminding him that he needed support.

"You don't have any baggage?" Daniel asked, glancing around them.

"Oh, I've got plenty of baggage, but it's more the emotional kind," Darren
joked.

Daniel laughed.  "Seriously, though," he furrowed his brow parentally, "you
left it at the hotel, didn't you?"

"Yes," Darren admitted.

"You just stormed off, didn't you?"

"Yes," Darren said meekly.

Daniel rolled his eyes in exasperation.  "Daz, you know if you're going to
run away from something, you have to take all your bags with you.  C'mon,
let's go get them."

Darren shook his head rapidly.  "No, I'm not going back.  I can't."

Daniel slipped an arm around him, gently guiding him to the exit.  "Tell me
about it in the car."

Darren let himself be drawn along by his younger, wiser friend.  He'd
always been in awe of Daniel's ability to put reason before emotion.  He
wished his brain would be the dominant force in his body every now and
then.  It would stop the pain.

"I feel too much," he said, suddenly, to no one in particular.

"I don't care," Daniel said, squeezing his shoulder tenderly.  Darren
smiled to himself.  As usual, Daniel knew exactly what he wanted to hear.

Outside the terminal, Darren put his hand out for a cab, but Daniel stopped
him.  "Over here," he said, leading him towards the line of waiting limos.

"A limo?" Darren asked.  "This isn't like you."

"The last thing we need is some cabbie eavesdropping on whatever you're
going to tell me."

This was true.  Good ol' Daniel.  Always thinking ahead.  And even though
Darren really didn't want to tell anyone exactly what had happened, he knew
that as soon as he got in the car, he wouldn't be able to keep himself from
it.

"We're all set." Daniel waved him into one of the black cars.

"So what happened to set you off like that?  I mean, besides Robbie
leaving?"  Daniel asked after the car started moving and the privacy window
was securely rolled up.

"J," Darren said after a pause.

"What about him?"

"You know how I told you how hypnotic he is?  How he can bend anyone?"

"What did he make you do, Darren?" Daniel kept his voice level, but dropped
his volume so the words seethed out of him.

Darren took a sudden interest in the electric window.  He watched it go
down and back up again.  Daniel waited.  When he pushed the button again,
Daniel softly coughed, bringing the attention back to him.  Darren turned
to him, but wouldn't meet his gaze.

"Well?" Daniel asked.

"He..." he couldn't finish, or even start the statement.  Ultimately, he
held three fingers up and made a thrusting motion with them.  He raised an
eyebrow at Daniel.  Yes, I mean what you think I mean.

"He put his fingers up your..." Daniel asked.  He sat back, aghast.  "Daz,
I had no idea.  I really didn't."  He grabbed his friend's shoulder, and
turned him, almost roughly in his concern.  "Are you hurt?"

Darren shook his head.  "Not anymore.  I was a little sore right after, you
know."  Daniel didn't know, but he nodded anyway.

"He forced you?"

Darren shrugged.  "I wouldn't have done it if he hadn't."  Daniel let his
breath out in a long rush.  "But, there's something else," Darren said.  "I
almost liked it.  It was nice getting that attention.  And I know, I know
he was just using me because I'm so *damn* weak and none of his usuals were
around, but still, just for those few moments, when I was out of my head, I
would have done anything to keep feeling like that.  I know he doesn't care
about me at all, but for awhile, I could pretend that someone did.  And so
that someone is raping me, and he told me that's what he'd done, well, at
least I'm getting affection, right?  That's more than I've gotten from the
others.  And so what if he spit my cum back into my mouth and I gagged on
it?  Fine, I can handle that.  But I was feeling so good.  He didn't have
to ruin it by telling me he'd raped me.  Why did he do that, Daniel?  Why
did he let me feel used?"

His blue eyes pleaded for an answer.  Daniel blinked rapidly, forcing the
moisture back into his eyes.  Darren gripped his knees.  Daniel didn't cry.
Not ever.  Knowing something he'd said had pushed his friend to this just
made him feel worse.

"I feel dirty," he said to Daniel.  Then, his voice barely above a murmur,
he added, "I feel like I deserved it."  He turned to Daniel, looking for
validation, but none came.  Instead, Daniel patted his knee quietly, a
solemn expression on his face.

"I'm so useless," Darren whispered.  Daniel squeezed his hand, his bright
green eyes boring into him.

'No, you're not,' his eyes said silently.  Darren hung his head.  Daniel
laced his fingers with Darren's as they rode the rest of the way in
silence.

The limo pulled up in front of the hotel.  Daniel instructed the chauffeur
to wait for them.  He nodded professionally.  They entered the lobby.
Darren's purposeful stride broke as he saw J, Ronan, Stephen, and Shane
standing at the front desk.  Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Daniel
start to raise his arm towards him.  He subtly warned him off.  The last
thing he needed was to appear weak now.  Daniel dropped his arm,
understanding.  He matched his stride with Darren's, keeping his shoulders
back and his head erect, letting the smaller man take his strength from his
example.  It worked, and Darren was calmer already.

Stephen saw them first.  He was, once again, under Ronan's arm, but no
affection was betrayed.  The casual observer, if prompted to comment on it
at all, might have only said, 'The little one looks odd,' or 'the blond one
seemed pissed.'  Stephen smiled shyly at them.  He raised his head, as
though to slip from Ronan's arm, but in the end he didn't move.  Darren
smiled at him, thinking, once again, how he wanted to take him away from
Ireland's self-appointed ambassador.  When Ronan, who had been ignoring
Stephen, turned to him, he saw Darren.  He raised an eyebrow.

"Hmm," he grunted.

Darren gave the up-nod in reply.  He tensed to run in case Ronan wanted to
take the previous outburst out on him.  It was one thing to beat off an
emotionally weakened, crying Ronan.  He didn't think he could handle the
refreshed Ro Ro, especially now that he wasn't in his post-abuse driven
insanity himself.  Ronan took no notice.

"Is this Daniel?" Ronan asked.

"Hello," Daniel said, nodding at him.

"Welcome back!" Shane said.  He quickly hugged Darren.  Darren stiffened,
unprepared for the touch, but hugged back nonetheless.  "Are you staying?"
he whispered.

"No," Darren replied.  "Just getting the luggage."

"So, what brings you here?" J asked, sidling up to Daniel.

"Just helping Daz get his things," Daniel replied.

J nodded, a smile teasing at his lips.  He slipped his hand over Daniel's
shoulder, smoothly rubbing his back all the way across until his arm rested
over his shoulders.  Darren glared.  "Welcome to the lion's den, Daniel," J
rumbled seductively.  Daniel smiled at him coolly.

"You must be J."

J grinned, bowing slightly.  "I see my reputation precedes me."

Daniel gave a mild nod.  "More than you know."  His expression betrayed
nothing but control.  J smiled, and squinted.  Daniel squinted back.  J
slowly dropped his arm, ensuring he traced his finger all the way down
Daniel's back.  Darren fully expected them to start circling each other,
fangs bared.  In Daniel, J had finally found a challenge, someone not
immediately susceptible to his charms.  Darren thought he saw him lick his
lips in glee, or anticipation, but the motion passed so quickly he couldn't
be certain.

"Where's your room?" Daniel asked Darren.

"This way," Darren said, starting off.

"You're getting your stuff?" Stephen asked.  Darren turned, surprised at
the outburst, quiet though it was.

"Yeah," he said.

Stephen slipped away from Ronan.  "I moved your stuff into my room.  I'll
go with you."

He started for the elevator, glancing at Shane as went.  The spark passed
between them, and Shane immediately followed.  The four men boarded
together.  Stephen pressed the button, then leaned against the wall, eyes
downcast.  Shane stood next to him on the wall and Stephen leaned on him.

"How are you?" Darren asked.

Stephen just shook his head silently.  Darren looked over at Daniel, who
was watching them tenderly.  Shane caught him looking.  Their eyes locked.
Shane smiled sadly.  Daniel echoed the expression.

"It's good to be loved, isn't it Stephen?" he asked.

"Shane's good to me," Stephen said quietly.  Shane nodded.

The door opened, and Shane led the way to Stephen's room.  Stephen unlocked
the door and showed Darren to the closet.  "It's just here," he gestured.

"Thanks, Steo," Darren said.  He grabbed his suitcase.  Funny how he could
lift it now, but couldn't just a few hours ago.

"All set?" Daniel asked.

Darren nodded.  "Well, thanks, guys," he said.  "I really appreciate
everything you've done.  If you ever want to come to Australia...Daniel's
got a couch." He grinned, and Daniel cocked an eyebrow, then smiled.

"That's true, I do.  It folds out as well!"

Shane laughed, but Stephen stared at the floor again.  When he looked up,
his face was set in determination.  "Do you mean it?" he asked.

"Yes," Darren said, a little concerned over Stephen's tone.

"Can I go with you now?" Stephen blurted.  For a moment he looked as if he
might clap his hand over his mouth.  He didn't though, just waited with
caught breath for a reply.  Darren froze, as suddenly he saw himself
standing there, begging Robbie to let him come along to London with him.
He dropped his jaw, but couldn't work any sound up.  Daniel hugged him.

"If that's what you want, Stephen," Daniel said, over Darren's shoulder.
Stephen dug his foot into the carpet.

"I just need to get away right now."

Darren, recovered slightly, and smiled.  "Okay, then.  I'd love it if you'd
come."  For the first time, Stephen beamed.

"Stephen?" Shane said.

Stephen looked at him questioningly.  "Is it okay, Shane?" he asked, even
though he knew he didn't need Shane's permission for anything.

"I'm coming, too," Shane said.  "I can't take care of you if you're on the
other side of the world."

"You don't have to take care of me," Stephen said, but he was grinning
anyway.

"Do you guys need to pack?" Darren asked.

"We were leaving tomorrow anyway.  I'm all set," Shane said.

Stephen waved at his suitcase.  "Me too."

A few minutes later men and luggage loaded the elevator.  "So," Shane said,
"what are you going to tell Ronan, Stephen?"

"I don't know," Stephen said grimly.

He needn't have worried.  When the doors opened and Ronan saw the luggage,
he knew immediately what was happening.  "Is this what you want?" he asked.

Stephen nodded.  "I just need a vacation."

"What do you call this? You've sat on your ass all week!" Ronan said.

"I mean I need a vacation from you."

"Stephen, don't leave me like this," Ronan pleaded, pulling the little one
towards him, whispering harshly in his ear.

"Do you love me, Ronan?" Stephen asked, begging right back.

"Baby, you know I do!"

"Then I want to hear you say it."

Ronan glanced around nervously at the partially crowded lobby.  "I can't
here," he hissed.

"Well, when you can, you give me a call," Stephen said fiercely.

Ronan let him go.  "Have a good time with Daz," he said, dripping the
nickname with sexual innuendo.

Stephen glared at him, and might have told Ronan to have a good time with J
if J weren't standing right there, making eyes at Darren and Daniel and
calmly watching the departure.  "Goodbye Ronan." Stephen said.

"You're coming back?" Ronan asked, his surety faltering for an instant.

Stephen shrugged, a forced gesture. "That depends on you."

Ronan turned away, barely dismissing him with a wave.  Shane put his hand
on Stephen's back and led him out.  Daniel did the same to Darren, guiding
him from J's lingering gaze.  When the limo moved, Stephen and Darren
breathed again.

"I don't want to go through that again," Darren said.  Stephen groaned
miserably.

Daniel squeezed his knee.  "Buck up.  Only 22 hours until we're home.
Stephen's eyes bugged out of his head.

"22 hours? What the hell?"

Darren smiled.  "24 if you count the time it takes to get to the airport."

Shane and Stephen sighed, and fell back into the plush seats.  "What have
we gotten ourselves into?" Shane asked.  Stephen just grinned.  Daniel and
Darren laughed.  Stephen snuggled up to Shane and settled in for the ride.

to be continued...

I'd love any feedback you want to give.  :) silentkid@angelfire.com