Date: Sat, 22 Sep 2001 08:27:36 -0500 From: Subject: ...Being Lonely Chapter Four (Gay) (AJ/Kevin) Hi Everyone! This is my second attempt at a story. If you enjoy it, my other story is called 'Whispering Your Name'. It is a *NSYNC tale. I hope you enjoy both. Please send me an email and let me know what you think. Email at thumper1561@hotmail.com. Thanks for your feedback regarding this story, as a result, I've tried to broaden the story beyond AJ/Kevin to include the rest of Backstreet. Legal Stuff This story is fiction and is not intended to imply anything about the true sexuality of the celebrities mentioned or any personal knowledge about their private lives. I do not know the true sexuality of any of the Backstreet Boys or any other celebrities mentioned in this story. If you are offended by homosexual material, then, this story isn't for you. And what in the world are you doing here in the first place!!!!!!! Chapter 4 by Thumper ...Being Lonely By the end of AJ's third week of rehab, he was suffering a classic case of blue balls. Richard would not put out, no matter how easy AJ made it for him. As his pursuit of Richard intensified, his interest in therapy waned. Doctor Goldman, frustrated at AJ's inattention, threatened him with loss of privileges, but it didn't work. AJ was determined to get Richard in bed and nothing must interfere with his concentration. Kevin missed catching Nick before he got in the rental car and sped off. He climbed in his own black Cadillac and gave chase. Nick was going much too fast for these roads, especially as the sun was beginning to set. Kevin was concerned about being able to keep up when Nick's convertible hit a dusty patch and began spinning off the road. Kevin slammed on his brakes and watched horrified as Nick's car careened through the brush and spun around several times before hitting a rock. The car teetered but landed right side up. Kevin got out and raced over to Nick. Nick's eyes were open but he was in shock. He was frozen, staring straight ahead with his hands glued to the steering wheel. Kevin managed to pry the door open and slowly pulled Nick's fingers off the wheel. He felt around Nick's body and couldn't detect any broken bones so he gently pulled Nick from the vehicle. Once he was out, Nick burst into tears and threw his arms around Kevin. Kevin held Nick tightly and let him cry it out. Then he half-carried Nick over to his car and laid him in the back seat. Kevin drove slowly to a gas station to get directions to the nearest hospital. He also ordered the gas station attendent to get the car from the desert. After getting a clean bill of health from the emergency room, Kevin brought Nick back to his hotel. Brian was still waiting but he forgot what he was there for when he saw Nick's banged up condition. "What happened?" "He had a little accident, that's all. We've been to the ER. Nothing is broken and no internal injuries. Just some bruising, and a couple of scrapes. We were very lucky." Kevin opened the door and laid Nick down on the bed. "He's really okay?" "Yes." Kevin was busily tucking Nick in bed. "He needs a few days rest and he'll be fine. I think he's more shook up than anything else." Brian knelt by Nick's side and took his hand. "What can I do?" Nick looked and saw Brian. He deliberately yanked his hand away and answered, "Nothing. I want you to leave." He tried to roll over but the pain was too much. "Just get out of here." Kevin hauled Brian off the floor and out the door with surprising ease. His muscles weren't just for decoration. "I think you should go." "He's hurt." "And just whose fault is that?" Brian turned red. "I didn't cause this." "Yes you did. You upset him and you left the keys in the ignition. By the way, the car is at some gas station about 40 miles down Highway 1." "I'm not leaving." "If you want to stay in the hotel, I can't stop you. You are not staying here. Neither Nick or I want you. I think that should be clear even to you." Kevin firmly shut the door in Brian's face. Brian stood for a moment in the darkness, then trudged down to the desk. He wasn't giving up yet. Howie was bored. He was easily bored these days. Virtually any desire or wish could be fulfilled with a wave of the hand or a phone call. He had loved the first week of this unexpected vacation and had enjoyed the second week. Now he was running out of things to do. Orlando seemed very pedestrian compared to the places he had been. Howie had little need for friends as such, just hangers-on. Once he had wrung whatever fun he could out of them, he was finished with them. Having finished ringing what fun he could from the current batch, he was restless. Even as a child he had been fairly self-absorbed. Since joining 'Backstreet', he had developed a sweet and shy public persona that was distinctly at variance with his real personality. It served him well in making strangers want to coddle him but the other 'Boys' were no longer fooled. Knowing that they were no more fond of him than he was of them, he constantly suspected the others were trying to oust him from the group. Whatever his feelings about them, being a 'Backstreet Boy' was central to his self image. When he found out from a Jive rep that Kevin and Nick and Brian were in LA near AJ, his paranoia kicked in and he began to suspect that something was up. It would be worth a trip to LA to see what was going on and maybe hook up with a hot number or two. Doctor Goldman decided that the only way to regain AJ's attention was through a more confrontational strategy. "I'd like to discuss your career today." "Okay." "How do you think your lifestyle, or career, played a part in your addictions?" AJ thought about it. "I suppose it played a part." "How?" AJ pulled up closer to Doctor Goldman. "You've seen all those 'Behind the Music' shows, right?" "Of course, I've seen some anyway." "They're all about addiction, but what they don't tell you is why and how." "Okay, then you tell me." "It's the road, man." "How so?" "You work here in an office right." The doctor nodded. "I work on a stage but it's still a job, you know. Anyway, some days you don't feel like working, right?" The doctor nodded again. "You can call in sick or sit there and pretend to listen to your patients. I got to go onstage in front of 20,000 or 50,000 people and sing my heart out. They paid for that ticket and they work hard for their money. Do you think they give a shit if I'm depressed or sick or lonely? Hell no! I don't blame them, I wouldn't either if it was reversed. I want to be entertained! So there you are, in St. Louis with thousands of people waiting and you can't even get dressed. So somebody, a roadie, a management rep, a company rep, SOMEBODY will offer you a little pick-me-up. 'Just for tonite, just once', they tell you. At first you refuse. 'Who me, do drugs? Never!' Then it happens again and again and eventually there comes a time when you say, I need help just to get out there. So you take it. And it works! Man you are flying and the show is great and everybody loves you for coming through. So, the next time it's easier to take it again. Eventually it's a routine, like anything. Of course, you have to keep increasing the doses to get the same effect over time. Then you need help coming down, but don't worry, we got that covered and they hand you more pills." Now AJ is animated and dancing around the room. "Then crash!" He drops to the floor. "You end up here. My own 'Behind the Music' moment." Doctor Goldman looked down at AJ. "So what happens when you leave here?" AJ stood up and sat down. "I go back to work." "And what about disappointing St. Louis?" AJ smiled sadly. "Still not an option, Doc." Doctor Goldman replied. "We need to find a way for you beat those moments without returning to your addictive behavior or everything we do here will be lost. There's only one other option." "What's that?" "Giving up your career." "Not an option, Doc." "Is your career more important than your life?" "My career is my life Doc. I got nothing else." "What about your family?" "You met her Doc. I love her but the only thing she needs from me is the money." "I'm not sure that's true." "It is, trust me." "What about Kevin?" AJ stiffened. "What about him?" "He's very concerned about you. I think he feels your life is more important than your career." "Maybe, but it doesn't matter." "Why not?" "Because he's married Doc." "I'm aware." "His wifey comes first. She wants the dough, so we'll keep singing." "Just beacuse he keeps going doesn't mean you have to." "When else could I be with him?", AJ stopped himself. "I didn't say that." "Yes, you did." "I don't care if I see him or any of the others." AJ stood and moved around restlessly. "Okay, why don't you sit down?" "I can't. We're done here, right? Time up and all. I'll see you later." AJ fled out the door. Doctor Goldman finished up his notes and considered his next session. Kevin had pulled the curtains so that Nick could sleep in. He dozed in a chair near the bed in case the young blond needed anything. When Nick awoke, he gazed at Kevin's sleeping form. His unbuttoned shirt revealed those perfect smooth pecs and his long legs in tight jeans stretched out toward the bed. He had kicked his boots off and his white socks were surprisingly clean. His face looked tired. Nick was surprised by the lines around Kevin's eyes. It was almost as if he had aged overnight. His face looked too thin and his hair was stringy from the chlorine in the pool. It looked as if there might even be a few grey hairs in there. Nick sat up and looked hard at Kevin. Nick had never really thought about Kevin other than as an annoying authority figure or potential sex partner. He realized he didn't know anything about him. Not really, not any important stuff. He was blown away by the fact that he and AJ had been having an affair under all their noses. He wondered if they were that good at hiding or if the rest of them just didn't care enough to notice. He reached out and touched Kevin's face. Kevin started and Nick pulled his hand back. "You okay?" "Better, thanks to you." "No problem." Kevin stood and stretched. His shirt fell back over his shoulder revealing a nipple. "Are you hungry?" "Yeah, I could eat." "This place has muffins, juice, that kind of stuff in the morning. They'll deliver it to the room if you call. If you don't mind, I'd like to take a shower first. I'm feeling kind of grimy." 'You don't look it.' Nick thought. Aloud he answered. "That's fine." Kevin dropped his shirt to the floor and walked into the bathroom. Nick thought about following him in there but instead picked up the phone and ordered breakfast. Howie flew in that morning from Orlando. After checking into the hotel, he tried both Brian and Nick's rooms but got no answer. He couldn't locate any of Kevin's alias' on the registry so he was stumped. He left messages for Brian and Nick and figured he'd hit Melrose and do some shopping until they got back. Alex ran into Richard after fleeing Doctor Goldman's session. "Hey, you okay?" Alex wiped his eyes. "Sure, I'm aces." Richard sat him down on a bench. "Want to talk about it?" "Not really." They sat silent for a few minutes. "I want to apologize." "For what?" "I've been coming on pretty strong lately and you've been real clear about not being interested. I've been pretty much a jerk." "Maybe a little, but it's been flattering. It's not often I get a major star trying to get into my pants." Alex looked at him. "So you knew who I am?" "Not at first, no. But somebody here clued me in after a few days." "Why didn't you say anything?" "What was there to say? Hey, what's it like being a big star? Or hey have you ever done anyone famous?" Alex laughed. "It's good to see you laugh." He nudged Alex. "Let's go over to the orangerie." He stood and held out his hand to Alex. Alex took it and got up. As they walked over to the arbor, Richard asked, "So, have you ever done anyone famous?" Alex laughed and started chasing him across the grounds. When Nick opened the door expecting breakfast, he was dismayed to see Brian there. "I want to talk to you." "Just leave, Brian. Hasn't Kevin made it clear enough?" "I need to apologize for yesterday. Everything came out wrong. I didn't mean it like it sounded." "I think you meant it." Kevin stepped out of the bathroom in a towel. "Is he bothering you?" "No, he's just leaving." Nick slammed the door in Brian's face. "My turn in the shower." "Be careful, you can't uncover those bandages. We're going to have to replace them later today. Do you need any help?" Nick considered it. "No, I'll be fine." "Just yell if you need me." Nick stood in the doorway when another knock on the door sent Kevin rushing to throw it open. "How many times..." It wasn't Brian but a young hotel worker with their breakfast. "Er...um...sorry about that. I thought you were someone else." He stepped back and let the waiter inside. "No problemo, senor." He deposited the tray on the table and turned. "If you require anyt'ing else?" "No, that's all for now. Thanks." Kevin pulled a ten from his wallet and handed it to the waiter. The waiter's eyes glanced up and down Kevin's body stopping on his towel, "Anyt'ing at all, senor. My name is Jose. Jus' ask for me by name." Nick felt himself getting ridiculously jealous of the waiter's obvious interest in Kevin. He called out from the bathroom door. "That will be all, thanks." The waiter left. Kevin walked over to Nick. "You okay?" "Of course, why?" "I don't know, you were just a little rude with the waiter." "I'm a little on edge. Brian, you know." "Sure, have a muffin." Nick took a bite of the chocolate chip muffin Kevin held in his hand. He managed to just touch his lips to Kevin's fingers. "That's good." "Here you go." Kevin handed him the muffin and closed the door so that Nick could shower. Brian left Kevin's room that morning without a clear idea of what to do next. It was bad enough if Kevin were to start seeing AJ again but... Brian tried to shut the picture from his mind. Kevin and Nick had spent the night together. Probably nothing had happened, but what if it had? Brian had told the rental car company that he didn't need another car. He called a car service in Palm Springs and they would pick him up and drive him back to LA. He tried to call Leighanne but she wasn't around. He got Howie's message. Well, maybe he would be better than nothing, not much better Brian realized, but at least a little better. He tried Howie's cell. Richard and Alex spent the afternoon together. It had been days since they had felt so comfortable with each other. They ran around like kids and played tag and hide-and-seek. Richard thought Alex was almost a different person from the way he had been recently. When he mentioned that to Alex, he became somber. "What's the matter? What did I say?" "Nothing. But the truth." "Huh?" "Look, I'm not a psycho or anything, at least the Doc assures me I'm not. I guess sometimes I play the part of AJ, you know, the wild-and-crazy one. Sometimes, i guess I'm just me, Alex." Richard nudged him. "Personally, I think I like Alex better than AJ." "Yea?" "Yea." "Not many people have said that. Everyone wants the star." "Not everyone." Alex looked into Richard's brown eyes. "At the risk of screwing everything up that we've done here today, may I kiss you?" Richard nodded. Alex leaned in and softly pressed his lips against Richards'. It was a sweet kiss, a kiss like Alex used to give in the old days with Kevin. Richard tasted of Jell-o and something else that Alex couldn't figure out. He broke the kiss and asked. "So have I screwed it all up?" "No.", Richard shook his head. Alex touched Richard's white tee. "Good." The two stood and walked back to the center hand-in-hand. Kevin and Nick spent the day lounging. Kevin did his regular exercising and swam in the pool. Nick relaxed in the hot tub and let the water work on his aching muscles. There was one aching muscle it didn't help though. Nick was harder for Kevin than he had ever been in his life for anyone. He was rather bewildered by it all. Before yesterday, Kevin had been a married hunk who Nick would have loved to use as a sex toy. Now, he wanted Kevin to hold him and make love to him. He kept drifting off into fantasies of him and Kevin only to be brought back to reality by Kevin checking up on him. What was most frustrating was that Nick saw no change in Kevin's behavior toward him. He was kind, considerate, and attentive, nothing more. Nick knew he had to make a move, so he suggested to Kevin that they try a restaurant for dinner. After making sure that Nick was up to it, Kevin agreed. They found a Mexican place not too far away and each had a jumbo margarita with salt. Over the appetizers, Nick plunged in. "So, you and AJ, huh?" Kevin looked vaguely amused. "You and Brian, huh?" "It was a mistake, remember." Nick's lips curled. Kevin reached over and took his hand. "Brian's an asshole." "Yea.", Nick nodded in agreement. "So am I." "No you're not. You're a great guy.", Nick protested. "Some great guy. I've got a wife a continent away while I'm here pining over my gay ex-lover who won't see me." Nick hadn't heard that AJ refused to see Kevin. He perked up slightly. "I'll tell you my sob story if you tell me yours, deal?" "Deal." "You first." "Whoa.", Kevin held up his hand. "Why me first?" "Because I brought it up." Kevin shook his head. "Okay." He related to Nick the story of his relationship with AJ and Brian's role in breaking them up. He talked about Kristin and his concern for AJ in rehab. He spilled it all and Nick listened. He wouldn't have thought Nick cared at all but it seemed he really did. When Kevin finished, he drained his glass and ordered another drink. Nick waited until the waitress left. "Do you love Kristin?" "Hard question. Do I love her? Yes. Do I love her the way a man is supposed to love his wife? No." It was interesting, saying it out loud to Nick made it real for Kevin. He knew what he was saying was true. "Then you have to do the right thing by her." "I suppose so." "I think she'll understand." Kevin looked at him over the top of his refilled glass. "What makes you think that?" "She seems like a good person." "She is, but good people can get pretty upset when their husband comes home and announces that he is a fag." Nick winced. "Sorry." "It's okay. I just hate that word." "Sorry, again." Nick took a deep breath. "What about AJ?" "What about him?" "Do you love him?" "That's what I'm trying to figure out." "How far along are you?" Kevin laughed. "I did love him once. Now...now, I feel guilty about AJ. I feel responsible for some of what has happened to him. We've both hurt each other pretty badly over the years. I need to see him and talk to him. It hurts that he won't see me. I love him but I don't know if we can have a future together." "Do you want a future with AJ?" "I'm not sure what I want, except more nachos. Waitress, por favor?" Brian caught up with Howie at a trendy Melrose eatery. Howie was flirting with a young married couple when Brian got there. "What's your problem?", Howie could see Brian was exasperated. "I just can't stand the way you all carry on." "Carry on?" "Don't try to tell me you weren't trying to pick those people up." "Why would I tell yu that?" Brian snorted. "Don't we have enough problems?" "I certainly don't. What is with you, anyway?" Once they were seated, Brian filled in Howie on the situation with Kevin, AJ, and an edited version of Nick. "Wow, that's pretty chewy. It's like...like real life." "Good Howie, good." "Man, get that stick out of your ass. From what you've told me, Kevin may have the itch for AJ, Nick may have the itch for Kevin, and AJ may or may not have the itch for Kevin. Have I got it about right?" "I suppose so." "What I don't get is where you fit in?" "Huh?" "It doesn't sound to me like anyone has the itch for you, or that anyone you have the itch for is doing anyone else. So how is it any of your business?" "Kristin asked me to talk to Kevin." "And you did. What happens between Kevin and Kristin is their business now." "It could affect us all. What would happen to the group if it got out that some of us were gay?" "People would say, 'Duh'.", Howie joked. Brian threw his napkin on the plate. "Dammit, Howie." "Get a sense of humor, Bri." Howie looked at him quizzically. "You have left out one detail." "What's that?" "You and Nick." "What about me and Nick?" "Oh come on, do you think I didn't know? Please, you two were going at it like rabbits." Brian was stunned and red-faced. He couldn't believe Howie of all people knew. "Did you know about Kevin and AJ." "Of course." "You never said anything." "Why would I. It was none of my business.", Howie said pointedly. "Look, you're married to Leighanne now, Nick has tried both girls and guys and maybe he prefers guys. I don't know. Kevin tried to "straighten out", partially to please his family and partially to silence you I suspect. It looks like that was a failure. AJ will come out of rehab, still AJ, which means gay as a goose. I will still spread my own particular brand of joy throughout the world. All of which means, you need to get over it!" Howie stood and threw some cash on the table. "I'm going to New York. If you all ever decide to actually work again, call me. Otherwise, don't bother. I've got plenty of drama in my life without all of you." Brian felt felt lonely and abandoned. No one understood him. Kevin and Nick made it back to the hotel safely. When they got up to Kevin's room, Nick hesitated. "Maybe I should get my own room." "If you want. I can call down for you. You don't have to though. It's pretty late. "Yeah, it is. If it's okay, then I'll stay with you." "It's fine.". Kevin smiled. "I can sleep on the couch." "No, it's your room, I'll sleep on the couch." "You were hurt." "We could both use the bed.", Nick ventured. "It's big enough." "Are you okay with that?" "Sure I am." "Okay." Kevin stripped to his blinding white boxer briefs. Nothing could hide the substantial member inside. Nick stripped to his yellow Smiley-Face boxers which brought a smile to Kevin's lips. "Just shut up!" "I didn't say anything.", Kevin protested. "You didn't have to.", Nick pouted. "I like them." "They're adorable. Just like you." Kevin teased. "Which side?" "Huh?" Kevin pointed at the bed. "Which side do you want?" "Oh, uh...I'll take the right. If that's okay?" "That's fine. I usually sleep on the left anyway." They crawled into bed and turned out the light. After saying goodnight, Nick laid there, staring at the ceiling. Kevin was so damn close. Nick could hear his quiet, even breathing. He longed to reach out to him but didn't dare. He had never felt so lonely in bed wiht anyone before. Howie settled into his first class seat. A handsome flight attendent offerd him a pillow with the clear understanding, he could have more if he wanted. Howie smiled. He never felt lonely. The regular lights out at the center found Richard in Alex's room. They hadn't kissed since that moment on the grounds. Richard stood to leave. "I better get back to my room." "Yeah, I guess." "I'll see you tomorrow." "Sure." Richard turned back and planted a kiss on Alex's surprised mouth before racing out the door. Alex smiled and laid down on his bed, cuddling a pillow. He didn't feel lonely for the first time in years. TBC... Please e-mail any feedback, good or bad to thumper1561@hotmail.com