Date: Tue, 25 Sep 2001 18:35:04 -0500
From: <thumper1561@hotmail.com>
Subject: ...Being Lonely Chapter Five (Gay) (AJ/Kevin)

Hi Everyone! This is my second attempt at a story. If you enjoy it, my
other story is called 'Whispering Your Name'. It is a *NSYNC tale. I hope
you enjoy both.  Please send me an email and let me know what you think.

Email at thumper1561@hotmail.com.

Thanks for your feedback regarding this story, as a result, I've tried to
broaden the story beyond AJ/Kevin to include the rest of Backstreet.

Legal Stuff
This story is fiction and is not intended to imply anything about the true
sexuality of the celebrities mentioned or any personal knowledge about
their private lives.

Special thanks to Dennis Leary...I wonder how many of you will get it!

I do not know the true sexuality of any of the Backstreet Boys or any other
celebrities mentioned in this story. If you are offended by homosexual
material, then, this story isn't for you. And what in the world are you
doing here in the first place!!!!!!!


Chapter 5
by Thumper

...Being Lonely

        As Alex went through his fourth and supposedly last week in rehab,
he became increasingly tense. It was a development that Doctor Goldman
watched closely. Since their session on his career, the Doctor had been
happy that Alex showed up to most of the sessions and AJ seemed in
abeyance. The Doctor suspected that more than his therapy was causing the
changes in Alex and his aides had kept him informed of the burgeoning
relationship between Alex and Richard. Center rules strongly discouraged
any bonding beyond friendship in the most intense phase of therapy and some
experts believed that patients should wait up to a year before embarking on
any new relationships.  Doctor Goldman himself tried to discreetly dissuede
both Alex and Richard from pursuing their friendship any further but he
stopped short of forbidding it. The doctor very much wanted Alex to
confront and deal with Kevin in a therapeutic setting before returning to
the 'real world' and its' attendant pressures. Alex's resistance to such a
meeting led the doctor to suggest that he remain on at the center for an
additional two weeks at least. Alex jumped on the suggestion and informed
management that he would be delaying his release. Management couldn't track
the members down so they went ahead and issued a press release in their
name, again proclaiming the the 'Boys' support for AJ in his time of need.

        When Nick woke up the morning after he and Kevin slept together, he
felt warm and safe. As he snuggled in, he realized that Kevin's body was
wrapped around him. Kevin's fingers were intertwined with his and their
legs were pretzled together.  Even better, Kevin's large cock was fully
hard and stabbing straight into Nick's backside. Nick's own member was
standing at attention as well. Kevin's goatee was brushing against the back
of his neck and the soft tickling of his hair sent shivers down Nick's
spine. Nick had never liked cuddling with anyone. Even with Brian, as soon
as it was over, it was back to your corner, but this felt different, It
felt...right. As Nick puzzled over what that might mean, Kevin slowly woke
up. He rubbed his face against Nick's neck. The smell of Nick's skin was
arousing. Kevin tightened his grip on Nick before opening his eyes and
realizing where he was and who he was with. He pulled back from Nick with a
start.
        "I'm sorry."
        "For what?", Nick looked over his shoulder at Kevin's confused
expression.
        "I thought...I didn't realize..."
        "It's okay.", Nick tried to reach out but Kevin pulled back
further.
        "It's just a habit. I'm sorry.", Kevin jumped out of bed with his
woodie pointing straight up in boxer-briefs. "I have to...you know." Kevin
motioned with his head to the bathroom. He shut the door and Nick could
hear him pissing and the flush.  Nick rolled over on his back and waited
for Kevin to come back. When he didn't, he got up and knocked on the
door. Kevin answered.
        "Do you need to use...?"
        "Yea, but I want to talk to you."
        Kevin vacated the bathroom. Nick noticed his hard-on had subsided.
Nick finished up and found Kevin sitting in a chair with the TV turned
on. Nick walked over and shut it off.
        "Hey."
        "Hey.", Kevin avoided Nick's eyes.
        "I said it was okay, really." Nick started. "I mean, nothing
happened, right?"
        "Right."
        "So why won't you look at me?"
        Kevin looked up with a tired smile. "I'm sorry if I'm acting like
an ass. It's just that...well...there's Kristin...and AJ...and the
group. I'm just really screwed up right now and I don't want to hurt
anybody else. Do you see?"
        "Yea, I do." Nick could easily have felt rejected or let it feed
into his current self pity drama but something about Kevin's tone stopped
him. He was really hurting, even Nick could see the pain in his face, hear
it in his voice. "This is gonna sound lame, especially from me, but I think
you're too hard on yourself, man. I mean ever since I've known you, you've
always been 'Mr. Perfect'. You've got the perfect bod, the perfect look.
You're always on time, on schedule. You're never flustered, never thrown
off guard. I know I've given you a lot of shit in the past about it. Maybe
it was because I was so...  intimidated by you. I guess I never realized
what a price you were paying for always being the one adult around us."
Nick hesitated. "What I'm trying to say here is that not everything is your
fault. AJ is a drunk and a headcase. If he didn't have you for an excuse,
it would be something else." Kevin opened his mouth but Nick held up his
hand. "Let me finish. I know I'm right. Anyway, Brian is a hypocritical
little shithead, Howie is a major whore, and me...well I'm no better than
they are. Hell, I've never even said thank you for all the times you saved
my ass when one of those other shitheads wanted to kick it." Kevin smiled.
"I know you didn't always want to save it either! The point is, we're not
your responsibility.  It's not your fault all this has happened, even
AJ,... even Kristin. I mean...it's not your fault if you prefer guys. It's
not her fault either. It just...happens sometimes. So obviously, you made a
mistake. So now you're not so perfect, you're just like the rest of us.
But you know what...I like you a lot better this way."
        "I wish it was that easy, Nick."
        "It could be, if you stop beating yourself up and start moving on
with your life."
        "I'm trying."
        "Good, because I've got one more thing to tell you."
        "Oh?"
        "Yea. If you decide that you are gay and it's over with Kristin and
AJ gets out of the drunk tank and is too stupid to see what's right in
front of him, I'm not gonna play nice."
        "Huh?"
        Nick stood up and walked over to Kevin's chair. He put both hands
on Kevin's cheeks and kissed him passionately. "You'll hear me comin'. I'm
knockin' on the door and I'm comin' through and I've got a load of 'Eskimo
Pies'." Nick headed for the bathroom and turned on the shower. Kevin sat
stunned in his chair.
        'What the fuck could possibly happen next?', he thought.

        Brian had suffered through a very restless night. He had been
tortured by dreams of Nick crashing into a tree and lying bleeding. He
wanted to go to Nick but he couldn't because if he did, something awful
would happen. Then Kevin would come riding in on pale grey horse.  He would
swing down and cradle Nick in his arms. Then they would look at him and
shake their heads. Brian awoke from the dream each time with a start. He
tried reading, but nothing could really relax him. By the time the sun
shone through the silk curtains of his bedroom, he felt as if he had been
awake all night. The phone at his bedside was ringing.  "Hello?"
        "Did I wake you?" It was Leighanne.
        "I didn't sleep much anyway."
        "How's Kevin?"
        Brian thought for a moment. Leighanne and Kristin were close. He
didn't want to let on to them his fear that he had failed. "I haven't seen
him yet.", he lied.
        "That's too bad. I was hoping to have some good news to give to
Kristin. She's so worried, poor thing."
        Brian listened to her tone. He caught the slight condecension when
she said "poor thing". Leighanne considered herself the 'First Lady' of
'Backstreet' and any other wives or girlfriends as
ladies-in-waiting. "Listen babe, I had a really bad night and I'm gonna try
and catch a few 'zzz's' before looking for Kevin today."
        "Awww...did you miss me?"
        "Of course I did."
        "I could come out and join you. It would mean rearranging a few
things but..."
        Brian interrupted. "No, don't do that. We wouldn't really get any
time together anyway. I may head north for a few days to see if I can find
Kevin. I got a lead...", he trailed off hoping his improvisation did the
trick.
        "Okay, sweetie. I'll see you when you come home. Make it soon!"
        "I will."
        "Bye, bye.", she hung up.
        Brian laid staring at the ceiling after hanging up the phone. He
loved her, he told himself. So why did she annoy him so frequently? He
remembered the first time they had made love. She had been so patient and
so encouraging. He hadn't been sure that he could actually function with a
woman. His previous experiences had pretty much been disasters. His
relations with Nick had only complicated matters. He never had any problems
performing with Nick. He justified it to himself in many ways but the guilt
had been overwhelming.  His family, his church, everything he believed in
would have been shattered if he had continued on that path.  He had grabbed
onto Leighanne like a drowning man would a lifeline. Then had come the
discovery that Kevin was involved with AJ. Brian had bent all his efforts
to breaking them up. He had used every argument that he had used on himself
and even threatened Kevin with exposure to his family if he didn't stop. He
was ashamed of that, but in the end it had all worked out. Kevin had
married Kristin. It had been a validation of his own life choices. Now it
was unravelling and Brian was being forced to confront some uncomfortable
realities. If Kevin's examination of his life led him to leave his wife, to
admit he was...Brian almost choked on it...gay, then where did that leave
Brian? He was afraid to examine his own life, afraid of what he might find.
Brian got up. He had to talk to AJ. It was HIS weakness that had set all of
this in motion and he needed to stop it. Brian felt a little better with a
renewed sense of purpose. He wasn't beaten yet.

        When Alex told Richard he had extended his stay, he expected a
stronger reaction from his new friend. "Aren't you glad?"
        Richard answered. "Of course."
        "You don't seem very glad."
        "Alex, sooner or later, we both have to leave. We have to go back
to the real world."
        "I know that."
        "Our real world's are very different. I'm going to go back to
teaching, which I love. And you...you...are going back to being a star."
        Alex was quiet.
        "Talk to me."
        "I'm not sure what to say."
        Richard took Alex's hand. "We both knew this couldn't be...more."
        "Because I'm a star?"
        "Because we're different. We have different lives. I can't imagine
you mingling at one of our PTA meetings."
        Alex had to smile. "I might be a big hit, you know."
        "I know."
        Alex squeezed Richard's hand. "I could imagine you with me. I have
imagined it. I own a house in Orlando, it's way too big for one but I
think, maybe, you'd like it."
        "I'm sure I'd love it, but that isn't the point. Your life
is...well I can't even imagine your life, but I know it's never gonna fit
in with mine."
        Alex felt the tears forming in his eyes and began blinking rapidly
to try to hide them.
        Richard let go of Alex's hand. "I hope we can be friends."
        Alex nodded. "I have to go to my session now."
        "Okay."
        Alex stood and walked across the lawn. He held his head up and
never looked back.

        "I have to see him." Brian was very impatient with this doctor who
seemed to think he was in charge.
        "I will inform Alex that you're here but whether he chooses to see
you is entirely up to him.", Doctor Goldman was annoyed at this
presumptuous young man.
        "Do that." Brian spun on his heel and sat in the lobby. Then he
spotted AJ out of the corner of his eye on the lawn. He dashed to the door
and grabbed his arm.  "We need to talk."
        Doctor Goldman and two nurses rushed over to stop him. "You don't
have to do anything you're not ready for, Alex.", Doctor Goldman said
firmly.
        Alex looked at Brian and at Doctor Goldman. "It's all right."
        As the nurse showed the guys to a private room, Doctor Goldman
noted that AJ's walk had returned in just a few steps. He sighed and
ordered that Alex be brought to him as soon as Brian left.
        "Why are YOU here?", AJ asked as soon as they were alone.
        "I hope they're helping you here.", Brian looked nervous. AJ was
alert, when Brian was nervous, he was almost always up to no good.
        "They are. I'm staying for a couple more weeks to make sure. Is
that why you're here?  Is it about postponing the tour again?"
        "No."
        "Then why?"
        "I wanted to talk to you, to see how you were doing."
        "Now you've seen. Anything else?"
        "I want you to leave Kevin alone."
        AJ looked around the room in an exaggerated manner. "I don't have
him hidden here."
        "He's tried to visit. I know."
        "So what?"
        "Kevin is...confused right now. He feels guilty about your
problems, so he's not thinking clearly."
        "I've never known Kevin not to think clearly." AJ shot back.
        "Well, he's not. He will in time."
        "Cut to the chase, Brian. You're not here to see how I'm doing. You
couldn't care less. You don't like me, and I don't like you. You're a
self-righteous Bible-thumping pain in the ass and I'm lavender-colored
drunk. So let's just be honest for once."
        "Fine. If you choose to live a homosexual lifestyle, that's your
business. I've never interfered in that, but Kevin is my family. He has a
wife. Once, he was taken in by your...  ways and he strayed but now he's
changed. As I said, he's slightly confused now because he feels guilty
about your drunkeness. We've all told him how ridiculous that is but you
know Kevin. I'm warning you not to take advantage of him. You'll only end
up hurting him, Kristin, and yourself."
        AJ stared at Brian trying to take in the rush of words. "Thanks for
the warning. Kevin has tried to see me and I've turned him away. But now I
think I will see him. You wouldn't be here if you weren't worried that
Kevin was more than "slightly confused". I think I'll see for myself. Now
I've got a warning for you. If you try to fuck with Kevin's mind like you
did last time, you'll answer to me. Only now I'm a hell of a lot tougher
than I used to be."
        Brian stood furious. "I'm not going to let you drag Kevin down to
your level!"
        AJ smiled lazily and stretched back in his chair. "You know what
Brian, you need a good fucking. A real good, slow fuck right up your
ass. Kevin's great at fucking.  He's got a great cock, about
nine-and-a-half inches long and thick, at least six inches around. He knows
how to use it too. Maybe that's your problem. You want it and you'll never
get it."
        Brian raced out the door with his heart pounding. He was disgusted
with AJ, he was depraved, a monster. Brian's cock was rock hard.

        Nick suggested to Kevin that they move on from the hotel since
Brian knew their location. Kevin agreed and they checked out and headed
southeast for San Diego. They found an inn not far from the ocean north of
the city and settled in. When they registered, Nick asked for one room with
two double beds. Nick didn't want to pressure Kevin and also didn't want
the temptation of having Kevin in bed with him. Neither of them brought up
the subject of Nick's intentions. The two drove to a beach and played in
the surf. They ate a nice dinner at the inn and retired early. Kevin was
surprised at how relaxed he felt.  The day with Nick had been his nicest in
a long time. He rolled over so he could see Nick sleeping. He suppressed
the urge to run his fingers through Nick's blond hair. He had come away to
think and now he had reached a place where he could. He quietly got up and
put on robe.  Careful not to awaken Nick, he stepped out onto the balcony
with a bottle of water. The ocean in the distance was soothing. It
stretched out into infinity. It was a good reminder of how small he and his
problems were in the scope of the universe. First, Kristin, deep down, he
knew it was over. He couldn't pretend anymore to be something he was
not. He hated the thought of hurting her and was afraid of how she would
react but he was gay, not straight. He would have to confront Kristin and
his family and the group. He shuddered to think about the scenes might
ensue but he couldn't live this lie any longer. He felt at peace with
himself about that decision.  But AJ, what about AJ? A part of Kevin still
loved AJ, he knew that. But the AJ he loved was a memory, even if he dried
out and sobered up, that AJ had been destroyed by him. He had to face that
and accept it. All he could do was ask for forgiveness, and even that might
be too much to hope for. So what about Nick? Before this morning, Kevin
would never have considered getting involved with Nick in his wildest
dreams. He was too young, too immature and too self-absorbed. Now he had
seen a different side of Nick and was impressed.  He wasn't ready to jump
into anything with Nick. It would be way too complicated rigth now but, it
certainly opened up possibilities for the future. He could feel the first
shafts of sunlight coming up behind him and was startled to realize he had
been out there most of the night. The door creaked open behind him.
        "How long have you been up?", Nick was rubbing the sleep from his
eyes.
        "A while."
        "It's awfully early."
        "I know. Why don't you go back to bed."
        Nick put his arms around Kevin's neck and pressed his face to
Kevin's cheek. "What were you thinking about?"
        Kevin reached back and patted Nick's shoulder. "Everything."
        "Any conclusions?"
        "Some."
        "Want to share?"
        "Not at this second."
        "Okey-dokie." Nick kissed Kevin's cheek and went back in the room.
"Come back to bed, you need some sleep."
        Kevin did as he was told.

        AJ spent the night thinking about his run-in with Brian. Brian
would never have come if he wasn't actually worried about Kevin and him
getting back together. So what had Kevin said or done that made Brian so
worried? Even as AJ fretted about Kevin, he couldn't get his conversation
with Richard out of his mind. He wanted Richard, even if he was right that
they couldn't have a future, what would be wrong with having some fun?

TBC...

Please e-mail any feedback, good or bad to thumper1561@hotmail.com