This story is fiction and not intended to imply anything about the true sexuality of any of the celebrities mentioned.

A Boyband Snow White & The Seven Dwarves

by Billy Burrew

Cast Of Characters
Snow White: Lance Bass
Evil Queen: Justin Timberlake
Prince Josh: JC Chasez
The Magic Mirror: Paul Lynde (Uncle Arthur From TV's Bewitched)

The Seven Dwarves
Dumpy: Nick Carter
Gimpy: Brian Littrell
Mouthy: Kevin Richardson
Twitchy: Chris Kirkpatrick
Portly: Joey Fatone
Howdy: Howie Dorough
Boozy: AJ McLean

Once upon a time, there lived a great Queen. She and her husband, the King, ruled the lands and were very happy, except, that they wished for a child. The queen sat by the fire one night and wished for a beautiful girl, with lips blood red, hair the color of spun gold, and eyes the color of the sea. The King, a manly man, wished for a strapping young son to raise to take over his kingdom for him when he died. Both regents wished so hard that, not a year later, they both got their wishes...kind of.

The Queen died giving birth to a beautiful child, with golden hair and blood red lips, and pale sea green eyes as was her wont. However, the child, upon further inspection by the court midwife, turned out to be a boy. Grieved as he was over the loss of his wife, the King was secretly happy that he now had a son and heir.

Years later, however, the King found himself somewhat disturbed by his son's rather effeminate behavior. Rather than marauding and gallivanting around the castle like most young princes, the young man kept his own council, learning the more womanly pastimes such as how to read, write, sew, cook, embroider, arrange flowers and draw. The King finally had enough when one morning, he looked at his son and realized that the young man had plucked his eyebrows to perfect curved lines and was wearing a light covering of foundation and just the slightest hint of eye liner to bring out the color of his eyes.

Infuriated by his nelly behavior, the King shunned his young son and went on a short, bloody, very violent Crusade. The King believed that massacring pagans and sinners in the name of God was a great way to clear one's mind and let off some steam. The Crusade not only cleared the King's mind, but also showed him the error of his ways when he fell in love with one of his men-at-arms, a gorgeous young man with golden blond curls and eyes like blue fire. Upon returning to his Kingdom with his new lover, the King made peace with his son, married his lover and, unfortunately, died in his sleep from a heart attack about a month later.

Due to the fact that the Prince was still too young to rule, the reins of leadership were passed temporarily to the King's lover, Justin, whom the kingdom had somewhat contemptuously nicknamed "The Queen". Justin's rule turned out to be quite different from the previous King. Justin ruled with an iron fist, and was quick to lose his temper. And when he lost his temper, the person that caused his anger usually lost their head. Those who called him a queen in public quickly found this out, as Justin had those people quickly and messily executed. After that first notable drop in population in the first month of his rule, the people of the kingdom got used to shying away from their new King and keeping quiet much more often in public so as not to lose their own heads.

A lesser known foible of the new monarch was his overwhelming vanity. Justin had many portraits of himself made and hung throughout the castle, replacing those of his now dead lover, the king. Justin also had mirrors put in every corner of every room of the house, just in case he needed to fix his curls or check his make-up. It was, however, in Justin's bedroom where his true vanity would show through. After becoming becoming the new Monarch (much better!), Justin brought into the castle, under cover of night, a collection of magic mirrors. These mirrors were possessed of all sorts of different magics and were capable of amazing things. Justin could use them to eavesdrop on his enemies, transport himself to different parts of the kingdom, and in the case of the largest mirror, call forth the all seeing, all knowing spirit of the mirror and question him at length. Although most rulers would have taken great advantage of these magics, Justin, being the vain queen…monarch that he was, would approach the largest mirror each day and ask it the same question.

"Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, who is the cutest one of all?"

The mirror was inhabited by a rather feisty spirit, and after a while, this constant play of vanity began to work his all seeing, all knowing patience. However, since the answer he gave had been the same one he had given for the past several months, the mirror would give it daily and then try to forget that it was trapped inside a mirror that was owned by a megalomaniac narcissistic gay boy.

"Without a doubt for before me he stands, you, my liege are the cutest in the land."

Justin would turn and smile and then walk out of his chamber. The mirror would wait until the young monarch was out of hearing before adding, "You've also got, without a doubt, the biggest ego hereabouts. Thy vanity is ever growing, despite the fact that thy age is showing. Thy mood will change as one day soon, you'll stand and primp within this room and ask me answer thy vain request, only to find that thou no longer is the best. As time slides by like grains of sand, thou shalt not always be cutest in the land. And, Miss Thing, I can't tell you how much I look forward to that day."

One day, many months later, Justin approached the mirror and smiled into it's black, almost non-reflective surface and asked the same question he had asked many, MANY times before.

"Mirror, mirror on the wall, tell me, who is the cutest one of all:?

The mirror yawned loudly and was prepared to give the same answer when it realized that the usual answer was no longer the correct answer. Somehow, between the current day before and that day, someone in the kingdom had become cuter than the big curly headed Queen standing in front of him, primping and tapping his foot as he waited for his answer.

The mirror, trying hard to keep a smile from his face (and losing miserably to the smile), looked back upon the young man in front of him and let him have it.

"Tho thou art as nearly as fair as thou art vain, this time your answer will bring you pain. With hair as spun gold and lips blood red and eyes the color of the sea, another royal has stolen the prize...and has grown to be far, far cuter than was thee."

Justin's breath left in a rush and he fell to his knees. He was no longer the cutest in the land?!? He had been knocked out of the top spot by his own son-in-law?!?

'Oh shit!' Justin thought. 'It's all downhill from here. I knew I shouldn't have executed the court aerobics instructor and personal fitness trainer. Once you lose it, you can't get it back...unless....'

Justin turned to his bedside, where his lover, the old king, had kept his collection of weapons. The weapons lay stacked in a trunk beside the bed after Justin had taken them down to put up one of his oversize color painting of him.

Justin looked at the weapons and smiled evilly, "I can get it back...if I eliminate the competition."

Prince Lance sat in his room, concentrating on a particularly complex piece of embroidery that he was doing, when the door to his chamber opened to reveal his father-in-law Justin. Justin entered the room and smiled darkly as he looked at his competition, er...son-in-law. Justin chatted at length with Lance asking him if he would mind taking a trip to the lands around the castle, to pick wildflowers to put in vases in the great rooms of the castle to brighten up the place. Lance nodded eagerly and smiled, happy to go out of the castle and make himself useful.

Justin had his huntswoman Nan accompany Lance to the woods. Nan was a new huntswoman who enjoyed working for the King, and had worked in several different areas of the castle during her employ. This job intransience was partially due to her tendency to meddle in the affairs of her co-workers and inadvertently forget her station and boss them around. It made her a bane to many in the castle, so the King would shuffle her to another job rather than letting her go. Before they left, Justin took Nan aside and gave her a box, telling her that, if she wished to continue in his employ, the young Prince's heart would have to be in the box when he returned from the trip. Nan nodded, remaining silent for once, which in and of itself was nothing short of miraculous.

Nan took her young charge deep into the wooded glens, away from any nearby dwellings. Nan had pulled out her knife and was prepared to kill the young man when she felt a pang of remorse in her heart. She shrugged it off, believing it to be nothing more than another sign of her slide into menopause, not unlike hot flashes that women her age began to have to deal with.

Nan's knife fell from her hand and she bade the young man to run away, telling him that his father-in-law meant to kill him, and would stop at nothing to reach that end. Lance turned white, or at least whiter than he already was, which was pretty white to begin with, but, you get the picture, right?

The young man ran off into the forest, crossing over several hills and dales, until finally coming upon an enormous house deep in the woods. Lance knocked at the door of the house and it creaked opened, it appeared that no one was at home. Lance went inside and looked around. The dining room table was set with seven place settings, so Lance surmised that this must be some sort of large family or communal house. Lance walked into the kitchen and saw that the remains of the breakfast lay all around with dirty pots and pans on the stove and used plates in the sink. Lance, being a perpetual neat freak, began to fill the huge sink with hot water as he swept out the kitchen. After he had cleaned, dried, and re-shelved all the pots, pans and dishes, Lance yawned sleepily and went to explore the other parts of the house. He noticed that the owners of the house had an enormous library. Lance walked around the library for quite some time looking at all the titles on their shelves as he dusted them. Was it mentioned before that he was a neat freak? Lance walked upstairs and came upon a large bedroom with seven medium sized beds, all unmade and unkempt. After cleaning all the sheets and re-making each of the beds, Lance cleaned out the upstairs bathroom, which could only be politely describes as rustically bohemian, it's floor carpeted with shed hair, mold and mildew and the toilet that's condition made Lance's stomach turn. Lance was exhausted, having now cleaned the whole house. He yawned and stretched and then laid down on the closest bed and fell fast asleep.

Hours later, as the sun set in the sky, the owners of the house, 7 performing dwarves returned from their latest gig, several miles away in the village. They approached the house and immediately saw that someone had intruded on their home. They gasped as they saw their clothes, clean and drying on clotheslines around the house, clotheslines that they had never used before. They went inside and goggled at the sparkling tidiness of the great room, kitchen dining room, and downstairs bathroom. Silently, all seven crept upstairs to the bedroom area. As they entered the bedroom, they saw that all but one of their beds had been cleaned and re-made. They approached the unmade bed and jumped as the figure sleeping in it yawned and turned over onto his back, revealing blond hair and a smooth bare pale expanse of chest through the covers.

"It's just a boy!" a rather large blond dwarf exclaimed.

"No kidding Pudgy" replied a skinny dwarf sarcastically. The second dwarf was covered with lots of tattoos, smoked stinky clove cigarettes and wore sunglasses inside the house as well as outside, "We thought it was a freakin' white turnip!"

"Knock it off you two!" ordered the tallest of the dwarfs, a dark haired dwarf with hugely bushy eyebrows, muscular physique and a very big mouth.

The two dwarves turned to him and nodded.

"So...whatarewegonnadoabouttheboy, huh huh huh???" asked a small hyperactive dark haired dwarf with a goatee, his words coming so fast that they blended together in a blur.

"Slow down Twitchy. Take a's been feeding you pixie dust again?" asked a darker skinned dwarf with long brown hair and full red lips.

"I did Howdy.....He took my pixie sticks out of my lunchsack today." replied another handsome brown/blond haired dwarf.

"Thankyouthankyouthankyouforthepixiestickstoo, Gimpy" Twitchy replied, bouncing up and down in place as he spoke.

"Well? Are we gonna stand here all night like a bunch of ninnies? Wake his white butt up and talk to him. He's in my bed!" the last dwarf, a large goateed dwarf with a bearish physique, but kind eyes, said smiling slightly.

The six dwarves all looked to the tallest one and smiled, "Wake him up, Mouthy."

Mouthy turned and sat down on the side of the bed and shook the shoulder of the sleeping boy.

"Wake up boy. Wake up!"

Lance started awake from his sleep, and immediately realized that he wasn't alone in the house anymore.

"Oh! Hello there."

The seven dwarves all nodded in acknowledgement. "Who are you? What are you doing here" they asked politely.

"I'm Prince Lance. I'm sorry...but I stumbled in on your house today after....after...."

The dwarf with the sunglasses and receding hairline piped up, "After what?"

Lance gulped. "I was taken out by the huntress Nan and she had instructions by King Justin, my stepfather, to kill me."

The dwarves gasped. "NO!"

Lance nodded, "Yes. But she didn't...and she told me to run away....and that maybe the King would never find me. He's out of his mind with jealousy, his magic mirror tells him that I'm cuter than he is."

Pudgy nodded, "Well, you are. You're a little hottie."

Lance smiled bashfully. "Thanks."

The 7 dwarves and Prince Lance talked about his situation over the hearty dinner that he had prepared for them that afternoon, and by dessert, it was agreed that he could stay as long as he kept the house clean and cooked their meals. The 7 dwarves warned the young prince to keep the doors shut during the day while they were away, less the Queen....errr..less Justin would track him down and try to kill him again.

Meanwhile, back at the castle....

King Justin smiled cruelly down at the box containing the now still beating heart of the young heir of the kingdom. Nan, the huntress, had done a fine job, eliminating his only contender for both the crown and the title of cutest in the land. The King smiled as he thought of it, and made a mental note to make sure that Nan came into a generous retirement.

Taking the box to his bedchambers, Justin held it before him and smugly asked the mirror his usual question. The mirror yawned and appeared before him immediately.

" again? Fairest in the land, huh? Jeez....Er...I mean...<AHEM> Here goes...."

"The answer you seek remains the same, and I grow tired of this game."

Justin interrupted. "Look again, mirror, I hold his heart within my hands."

The mirror studied the open box before him and smiled suddenly, causing Justin to frown and step back.

"Your huntress failed to complete your plan, tis a pigs heart you hold within your hand. Deep within the darkest forest, over many hills and dales, the young prince lives safe and earnest, with seven friendly males."

Justin threw the box to the floor. "That SLUT! Seven Men!!"

The mirror did its equivalent of rolling its eyes and faded out, mumbling something about the pot calling the kettle black.

Justin turned and headed down to the dungeon of the castle, to his secret laboratory.

"Damn that inept huntress!" Justin swore as he opened the door of the dungeon, erasing the mental retirement note he had made for the huntress, and replacing it with one to have her slowly tortured and put to death.

Justin opened his grimoire and flipped through the pages quickly.

"Let's see here. Can't send a woman to do a man's I'll have to do this myself. I'll need something to disguise myself as well as something to kill the young prince."

A few minutes and some turned-down corners of pages for reference, Justin let out a whooping bout of wicked laughter.

"Here....This is it! I'll poison a collection of combs and brushes, and disguise myself as a door-to-door brush salesman."

Minutes later, he had concocted the poison and sprayed it on the brushes and dipped the combs in it. Justin searched through the clothes in the disguise closet he had kept from when he was dating the old King as well as few other hot men in the kingdom. He knew the King would have had him beheaded, so he would sneak out in disguise, and the King never suspected.

Justin emerged in a spotted polyester suit and pants and smiled as he packed his suitcase full of the poisoned brushes and combs, and then set off into the night for the dwarves house.

The next day, after cleaning up from breakfast and sewing together some fabulous new curtains for the windows of the house, Lance sat in the library of the house, reading from one or two of the library's texts on preparing economical, healthful meals for groups of 6 or more. Lance jumped slightly as he heard a sharp rapping on the door.

Lance looked out the window next to the door.

"Who is it?"

"Come out and buy my wares. There's a sale today! Brushes and combs!"

Lance ran a hand through his tussled hair and smiled at the thought of getting few nice combs or brushes for everyone to use. He opened the door and went outside, not recognizing his father-in-law in disguise.

"Ohhh...I'd like to get a few of these. This one, and this one, and this one...and this one."

Justin smiled in his disguise. "Surely. And here, I'll throw in this extra one for you." He put the brush in Lance's hand and the rest of the brushes and combs Lance had picked, he placed on the little worktable outside the house.

Lance smiled and ran the brush thru his hair. The brush stuck in a knot in Lance's hair and then smacked into his scalp, wherein, Lance fell over, apparently dead.

Justin threw off his diguise and laughed heartily. 'FOOL! Now I am cutest in the land once again!"

As Justin hurried back to the palace to consult his mirror, the dwarves returned home and saw Lance laying outside the house with a brush stuck to his head, apparently dead.

Gimpy, who had gained a lot of medical knowledge from the time he had spent in the hospital with his heart surgery, knelt down and yanked the brush, the source of the poison, out of Lance's hair. Moments later, Lance began to breathe normally once more and groaned as he ran his hand over the now hairless area on his head where the brush had gotten stuck and ripped out. The dwarves took Lance inside and scolded him for letting anyone into the house after they had told him not to.

Later that night, back at the palace....

Justin stood once more in front of the mirror and smiled. "Mirror, Mirror....tell me."

The mirror didn't wait for him to finish. "It's still him, you vain queen, try again!"

"WHAT!" Justin yelled, "But I saw him die!"

The mirror snorted derisively, "You saw him fall, but didn't check to see if the poison's work was thru. But his health returned and he got well, with the poison brush removed."

Justin slapped his palm to his forehead. "Arrgh! So Stupid!"

The mirror agreed and then disappeared as Justin fumed and swore about his failure and made a note to make plans to order a less hostile magic mirror.

Justin again went back down to the dungeon to consult his grimoire.

"This time, I mustn't fail! Let's see here. Ahhh! YES! This will do nicely!"

Justin conjured up his new weapon and then found another, even more cunning disguise, and headed back to the dwarves house.

The next day, Lance had finished cleaning up from breakfast and was measuring out space for a second full bathroom, shaking his head and wondering how seven men could even live in a house with only one and half baths. Lance jumped when he heard a rapping at the back door. He walked over and looked out the window to see who had come calling.

"Who is it?"

"Hi there. I am just collecting for the "Make Prince Lance The King" Foundation and was wondering if the guys that lived in this house wanted to contribute.

Lance opened the door and smiled at the young man before him.

Justin, disguised as a charity case worker, smiled as Lance foolishly opened the door. He faked a gasp and then acted as though he just recognized the prince and was star-struck

"Oh WOW. Your majesty. Um...Wow. Like...can I, like, get your autograph? Um..Here. You can have one of our special shirts that we made up to give to our big donors.

Lance smiled as the man offered him a lovely white stretch lyra shirt with the slogan, "Make Prince Lance King". Lance slipped the shirt on and smiled at the young man in front of him who had begun to laugh. Lance realized his mistake as the shirt began to tighten and tighten like a vice around his neck, chest, arms and waist, choking the air slowly out of him. Lance looked up just before he passed out and saw his father-in-law, out of his disguise and still laughing at him as he turned and walked back to the palace.

As Justin turned the bend on the path back to the palace, Twitchy ran up the path from the dwarves recording studio and found Lance laying on the ground, his face starting to turn blue as the shirt began to crush his ribs and press the air out of his body. Twitchy ran into the house and got a sharp knife and sliced the shirt down the middle, from the neck to the naval, and then down both arms, freeing the prince from its deadly grasp.

Lance moaned and gripped his bruised ribs as he gasped air back into his body. "It was the was Justin again. He tricked me."

The rest of the dwarves finally arrived back at the house and helped Lance get standing and back into the house. Lance told the guys what had happened and they again told Lance not to open the door for anyone while they were gone.

Justin finally made his way back to the castle and ran up to his bedchambers and to the mirror. He straightened up and smiled and was just about to ask the question when the face in the mirror appeared and laughed.

"Once again you bungled it all and Lance is still alive. You left as soon as you saw him fall and a dwarf cut the shirt off with a knife."

Justin stamped his feet and screamed. "What does it take to KILL this kid?!?"

Justin stormed back down to the dungeon, leaving the mirror still laughing at his failure. Once more he flipped through his grimoire and this time, he found a spell that could not fail!

"Poisoned Food...Let's see here....poisoned's too mafioso...hmm....poisoned's too Disney....hmmm...Poisoned fruitcake?!? That's kind of an oxymoron, isn't it? it is! Poisoned chocolate covered cherries!"

So Justin conjured a spell to poison a package of Cella's chocolate covered cherries, and then injected it into each one. Justin then repackaged the chocolates and then disguised himself once more and headed back to the dwarves house.

The dwarves left Lance the next morning, warning him again from opening the door to any strangers. Lance layed in bed and read for most of the day, as his chest and ribs still caused him some pain when he moved about. He awoke a bit after lunch and made his way out to the kitchen to clean up after breakfast. After setting the last dish on the drying rack, Lance heard a rapping on the door. He hurried to the window to see who was calling.

"Who is it?" Lance asked cautiously.

"Candy-Gram from the 7 Dwarves" came the cheery response.

Lance smiled and opened the door a crack.

"OK. Let's see it."

The man began to soft shoe dance and sing on the doorstep.

"Heard your feeling sick and blue, achy sore and tired too. Well buck up Lance, you will get better. That is why we sent this letter. Just remember what we said, don't open the door and stay in bed. Keep your head on and try to stay merry, and here's a box of chocolate cherries!"

Lance groaned, "OK. I get the idea. I can't open the door!"

The candygram guy laughed, "I'll put these on that windowsill by the kitchen. Have a good day!"

Lance smiled, "Thanks! You too!"

Lance watched as the candygram guy placed the cherries on the windowsill and then departed, his merry whistling fading as he departed the glen that the dwarves house lay in.

Lance pulled the box of cherries in and opened and read the note. "Lance...Don't Open The Door....Not Even For The CandyGram Guy!"

Lance laughed and threw the note down on the table, "I get the idea. I'm not stupid you know."

Lance then popped a chocolate covered cherry into his mouth and chewed it, gagging as the poison took effect, then falling over dead, strewing the other cherries all over the dining room area.

The dwarves returned home a short time later and groaned as they read the note and realized their young, naive charge had been duped once again.

"I think he got extra in the looks department to make up for his abysmal lack of common sense" Dumpy said sadly as the dwarves picked Lance up and placed him in an above-ground glass coffin. Amazingly enough, whether due to the magical way in which he died, or whatever other reason, Lance's body did not decompose like other dead bodies would normally have, he stayed fresh and perfectly preserved, as if not dead at all, but magically asleep.

The dwarves mourned the loss of their prince and kept guard on his glass coffin. One day, months later, another young prince from a nearby kingdom was riding through the forest when the glare from the nearby glass coffin blinded him and he steered his horse into a tree. The young man was thrown back off his house after it was knocked unconscious and came to land a few feet from the coffin.

"Hey...what's this?" the lean, young, raven-haired prince asked himself. "Who's the hottie stiff?!?" The prince was instantly smitten with Lance's fair hair and beauty and stood memorizing every detail of his body through the glass of the coffin.

It was then that Prince Joshua stepped forward to look closer at the man, but being the spazzy doofus that he was, he tripped and fell forward onto the side of the coffin, accidentally pushing it off the pedestal it sat upon. The side of coffin hit the ground and crashed open, pitching the body of Lance out onto the ground, miraculously unharmed. Prince Josh groaned as he picked Lance up off the ground, heaving him over his shoulder and carrying him back to the pedestal where he once again tripped and the two fell down, Lance onto the pedestal and Josh on top of him. As Josh smashed into Lance, he heard a pop and gasped as the half chewed poisoned chocolate covered cherry that had been lodged in Lance's windpipe was expelled. Josh jumped as he felt the young man beneath him move and groan.

"Son of a bitch" Prince Lance moaned, his eyes still closed. "He poisoned me with chocolate covered cherries. That does it. No more hiding and playing Mr. Nice Prince."

Prince Josh gasped. "Who poisoned you?"

Prince Lance's eyes popped open and he smiled as he lost himself in the other Prince's eyes. It was indeed a case of love at first sight for both men. Lance blushed coyly.

"Oops....I'm sorry. I...I'm Prince Lance. We've not been introduced."

Prince Josh smiled, "I'm Prince Josh. My kingdom is just beyond that mountain. Um....I know this sounds silly, but, I love you....will you marry me?"

Prince Lance smiled back, "Prince Josh, I would be honored to marry you."

The two made their way back to Prince Josh's castle, where Lance told his story to Josh, who immediately had invitations sent out for their wedding.

Meanwhile....back at the palace of King Justin.

Justin had been pleased as punch since he had returned victorious from his last attempt on his son-in-law's life. He asked the mirror his question every day since then and had gotten back the answer that pleased him. Several months later, Justin awoke and, after his morning ablutions, made his way to the magic mirror to ask his question. The mirror's face was already waiting, a sadistic grin on its face.

"Before you ask me, I'll let you know, Your answer today is a big fat NO! For Lance lives on and is engaged to wed, his fiance now shares his bed, and just make your day complete, his fiance is more replete. They're both more fair than thee, I fear your plans are lost, for Prince Josh will make you rue the day that you and Lance had crossed."

Justin grabbed the mirror and pulled it off the wall and, with a snarl, launched it out of his bedchamber windows, where it fell into the moat with a splash. Consumed by jealousy and envy, Justin rode into the nearby kingdom where the two princes were to be married that day. Justin snuck into the castle and watched as the two men presided over wedding festivities.

Lance looked over and immediately recognized his father-in-law. Lance mentioned this to Josh, who had been chomping at the bit to find and punish Justin for his treachery. Josh had his guards fall on Justin immediately, holding him steady by the castle's great fireplace. Josh then presented one of his wedding presents to his new husband. He nodded to one of his servants and had a pair of sheik metal cowboy boots, a metal mask and a long metal buttplug brought out. Josh presented these items to a smiling Lance, and the items were taken over and placed into the fire, where they were heated red-hot.

Justin was stripped of his clothes and held in place. When the fire heated the mask, buttplug and boots red hot, they were strapped onto Justin by Josh's servants and then he was let loose in the room where his muscles jerked and spasmed and hescreamed in a wild dance of pain and agony until, not too long after, he dropped over dead.

As they watched Lance's evil father-in-law fall over dead, Josh toasted his new love and they kissed passionately.

And then they lived gayly ever after!

The End