Date: Tue, 28 Dec 1999 22:34:05 EST
From: WriterGray@aol.com
Subject: Brian and his Wil

If you are not old enough to be reading this then leave very simple very
direct. Thanks... This story does not intend to say that the BSB are
actually gay if they are so be it.

This is a first for me let me know what you think... writergray@aol.com

'Brian and his Wil'
by grayson s. vellar

"So do you want to tell me what's going on or do I have to guess?" Brian's
mother shouted at her 17-year-old son. He was scared of her suddenly, as
she had never really yelled at him before. Wil lay silent next to him
softly crying, as Brian did nothing to comfort him. Suddenly scared of the
outcome of all this he jumps off the bed.

"Oh, no, you don't." Jackie said grabbing Wil and pulling him to her. She
realized what she had done. She had alienated them for months fearing this
moment it was just what she had not wanted to do. God would not want her to
act like this to her son. She would have to stop them yes, but not like
this.

"Wil, I'm so sorry I never meant to hurt you. I like you son, but this is
wrong in GGod's eyes you have to see it from my point of view here. It is
not my will to stop you. Heaven know you make each other happy and in allot
of relationships that just doesn't exist any more." Jackie said hugging him
trying to stop the tears that fell. Brian was grief stricken already his
eyes swelled nearly shut as his fear of God overpowered his fear of loosing
his first love, William Ryan Smyth. Jackie made Wil and Brian break up that
day. They were allowed to talk on the phone. No private moments were
allowed. They had lost each other to the distance that Jackie made them
have.

Brian regretted his loss even to this day. He was on his way home to the
family he loved for Christmas. Yet he still felt at a loss and lonely.  On
the road, he felt the loss even more and he knows he will never feel again
like those days unless he makes a choice. His only two options were his
love for a man or to continue to lie and pretend to love a woman. He had
been doing the latter for the past several years. He had his share of women
in the limelight. To most it was called dating to him, it was called a
cover-up or the miserable inadequacies of the closet.

Everyone was excited they too had decided to follow Brian and Kevin home to
Kentucky. There was nothing like these guys and their family time. Everyone
else had called and asked their receptive families to come out for the
Holiday. The Group itself was finally on top of the world they could take a
Christmas break at home finally. With the N'Sync break up inevitable and
the friendships at risk they had to get out of Florida for their own
sake. No bad press is good press. When the tabloids try and pen you with
hating a fellow musician especially your direct competition they will stop
at nothing. Right now Florida was a bad place to call home.

"God I can't wait to see everyone," Kevin said as he leaned back against
the Limousine seat next to Brian.

"Yeah," Brian half-heartedly answered not really, acknowledging what Kevin
had said.

"You keep that up people will think you are looking forwards to going
home." AJ said noticing the distance in Brian's body language. AJ had
started to take a special interest lately in the well being of Brian. Brian
had been the first one in the group to take an interest in him after they
all got signed. He made AJ's ideas a reality when he started writing
music. AJ had never been good at the construction of music but he certainly
was good at singing it he thought as he drew himself back to the matter at
hand. Brian had not even acknowledged his comment.

"Driver I need you to pull over and stop the car now," AJ said as he saw
that they were less that a half block away from the Litrell house. Everyone
looked at him questioningly except for Brian, he then knew it had to be
bad. The car came to a stop and the driver turned to face them. He was
waiting for his instructions at the moment. "You are going to have to step
out of the car. We need to have a private discussion that has been coming
for some time." AJ sad now with even Brian looking at him like he had grown
a third eye.

"Sir, will it be long. It's just I have a family to get home too, and they
are waiting up for me." The driver said and Kevin noted that it was already
past ten o'clock in the evening on Christmas Eve.

"Maybe this could..." AJ cut Kevin off immediately. "No! This has to happen
now. I am sure this will only take a few minutes to get out into the open
then we will all know what to do. But, the longer we sit here arguing about
weather or not to have the conversation the longer it will take," AJ said
shocking everyone with his sudden outburst and logical side.

"I will go ahead and step out. You gentlemen take all the time you need, it
seems like you need it," the driver said, stepping out into the cold. A
gust of wind hit the side of the car extremely hard throwing the guy
against the side windows.

"Man, get him back in the car," Nick said.

"Okay but we are still having this discussion, and it could get personal,"
AJ said.

"I would rather risk it then kill someone," Kevin said as he opened his
door and stepped outside.

"Okay the faster we do this the better. Kevin knows what is on my mind so I
am just going to say it," AJ said setting up and leaning forwards into
Brian's face.

"You should not be coming home for Christmas and you know it. What you are
doing by coming here is reminding yourself how much hurt you have had at
the times when you are here," AJ relaxed back into the seat waiting for a
reaction.

"AJ she's my mom," Brian simply stated as a stray tear touched his
cheek. He had until now successfully managed to keep the tears from
falling, but now all that was gone. Kevin leaned up against the side of the
car next to the driver he was talking to him seemingly openly.

"You know that was the worst driver yet. I mean he made us load our own
Luggage and open our own door, and... " AJ slugged Nick in the shoulder for
his commentary. "Hey! What was that for?"

"For being a pain, Nick," Howie said as he pulled Brian over and
hugged. "What ever it is Brian we're here for you. Even Nick in his own way
is here for you," Howie said rubbing Brian's back.

"Okay this is not why we are having this discussion. Kevin told me about
Wil, Brian and I think you should finally tell your mom the truth about how
much all of this hurt you and how much you really are not what she expects
you to be," AJ said removing his Sunglasses and looked directly at Brian.

"You guys are really nice for a um... group of stars," the driver said
standing there with his arms wrapped firmly around himself. His Jacket was
not heavy enough he knew it when he left the house. He had not stepped out
of the makeshift Limousine at the airport due to that fact. He had not
wanted to be rude but he realized how much he was being to look it.

"I am so sorry about the way that came out. I never meant it to sound that
way." The shorter dark haired man said shivering. All the while Kevin was
checking this guy out nothing seemed to fit.

'He is no Limousine driver.' Kevin thought he should know what one looks
like he has been around enough of them to know.

"Okay tell me what you are doing out on a night like this coming after a
bunch of spoiled individuals who could have just rented a care if someone's
mom wasn't in charge," Kevin said realizing he had just answered his own
question. Jackie was known for getting what she wanted. She always had and
she always would.  "Never mind all that, I don't even know your name?"
Kevin said, smiling at the handsome half-frozen man.

"Ryan, and you are?" Ryan asked knowing who this guy was but avoiding the
inquisition.

"Kevin Richardson, pleased to meet you Ryan. Now why didn't you just tell
the Co. no, and stay home?" Kevin asked.

"I.. well it is difficult to say," Ryan said looking down at the small
amount of snow on the ground from an earlier storm.

"Ok so you're not going to tell me. I can respect that I just thought you
might need to talk about it and since we put you out in the cold in the
first place. I thought I could make it up to you by talking and keeping you
company. Or better yet telling you to get back in the car and sit with
me. We could put up the window between us and the guys and talk." Kevin
said gesturing towards the driver's door.

"You know I should have thought of that before I gave myself frostbite,"
Ryan said half smiling at Kevin who returned it whole heatedly.

"That is why I knew you weren't just some Limousine driver. So, I wanted to
know what the real Ryan is and does," Kevin said not realizing how much it
sounded like he was flirting. Ryan was suddenly in awe but he knew his love
belonged to someone else.

"So, Brian are you going to talk about this or do we have to set here and
wait all night," AJ asked trying to get Brian to say something. Brian was
facing the front of the car as he sat there staring off into the white of
winter deep in thought.

"Wil you know I can't sneak out and she would have my head. I really
can't. Besides, she would tell my father. I do love you I really do, but,
maybe this is for the best." Brian pleaded with a crying voice on the
phone. Wil had made it clear how he felt. He felt the same way Brian
did. They were in love. Young or not it was love. He felt it he knew
love. But this love was forbidden.

That was the last time they spoke of love. It was ever so many years ago,
it was when they were both sixteen. That was seven years ago. They had
talked for the next 5 years approximately everyday for the first 3 then
ever so slowly it dwindled down to almost nothing. Brian had not heard from
Wil except for once this year on his birthday.

"Happy Birthday Bri! Now I know I was never supposed to say this
again. But, I have been thinking allot and I must say I have come to the
conclusion again..." Brian cut him off he knew what was coming.

"Wil I know what your going to say and I have to say I have been thinking
about us allot and I agree with you. But, the facts remain the same I am
still in my family and there is on bigger thing now that stops us even
more. You know what I do for a living. What would we do to keep it quiet. I
want to love you, I do love you, but it is still forbidden." Brian said
with tears starting to form in his eyes.

There was silence on the live as Brian heard it suddenly and softly hang
up. He felt his being slipped away. The two had spent the best parts of his
life chasing one another and making this work over a long period of time as
friends. With love, he felt he could move mountains and now he felt it all
slip away as he made it happen himself. He knew he would never be happy
without Wil. He knew but he could do nothing to change the facts. Perhaps
in another lifetime in another place, they could make it work. If only he
was not living a dream but, in his head he asked the ill-fated question.

'Is Love Not A Dream?'

"Brian are you okay?" Kevin asked snapping him out of his deep
thought. Kevin had opened the passenger side door up front and stuck his
head inside.

Soon enough Brian sat up and smiled at everyone. "I love him, but I pushed
him away for everything else," he said leaning back into the seat. Purely
in thought, he smiled at all of them as Kevin sighed heavily and waited for
AJ to do what was right.

The glass began to rise as Kevin hit the switch. Ryan stepped into the car
catching a quick glance at all of them setting back there as he slid
inside. He noticed Brian and smiled to himself thinking back.

"You have the bluest eyes I have ever seen. They are like pools of emotion
ready to be dipped into," he said to Brian that night before Jackie walked
in on them.

"You always say the right things you know that," Brian replied.

"He always had a way to make me feel like I was the important one, like I
meant so much to him. My family tries to do that but they lack the whole
idea of the same kind of love that I need. Well, truthfully I needed it
then but more so now and my family still wont see it. My mother made us
stay away from one another. My father never knew my brother never saw it
either. It was love it was the first that made me see that the power of it
is overwhelming and the majesty of it make you sing," Brian said looking
down at his laced together hands.

"We see it all the time Brian. In your music, in your eyes, in your heart
it's all there. I wish I knew that kind of feeling and emotion," Howie said
sitting with his back against the back passenger door.

Kevin stopped raising the glass between them just an inch above closing. He
looked at Ryan and breathed a sigh as he saw that he had heard the whole
thing.

"I used to be loved like that at one time. He told me... The man I was
seeing at the time. He had a dream of life being the way we wanted it. But,
as things did not work out it made it hard for me to believe the dream
could be real." Ryan said not to anyone in particular. Kevin lowered the
glass slightly to see what the reaction was in the back of the car.

"So you have had the same experience as Brian I take it," Kevin asked.

'Well, no not exactly. My family supports me in every way they can and it
is shows. They love me." Ryan stopped to collect his thoughts.

"I Loved and still love Wil and he is no where to be found in my life
because I let him be pushed away by the things that scarred me," Brian said
as he leaned onto Nicks shoulder who just reached around him and hugged him
from the side.

"I loved him dearly but he could not love me back. He said he did but it
made no sense if he could not at least hold me in his arms. I wanted more
than just the words," Ryan said.

"I wanted to hold him every night. I cried for the first six or seven
months to get the feeling of him in my arms. I had to break my own
heart. Wishing and Dreaming have been my hearts pain. I know I loved
him. But, to defy everything I knew would have taken me away from
everything. I would be defying my family. I would be defying God," Brian
said letting a tear stream down his cheek.

"You say that as if you knew then what you know now. I bet you had no idea
how he truly felt did you," Ryan asked not looking back.

"I tried my best not to ask him and I never did," Brian paused. "I couldn't
ask him without the pain bringing me to the gates of a dismal pain that
made me want to die."

The wind outside racked the car to the left, as everyone remained silent
for a moment. Then Ryan lowered the window the rest of the way down still
not turning around. Kevin noticed an opportunity forming here.

"Ryan you asked Brian the question. Why shouldn't you answer the question
yourself," he said.

"I knew then what I know now. I will never forget him, I will never find
another lover like him. Although we never..." he paused to think of the
words. "We never took our physical relationship onto the next level. But, I
loved him because of that, and also because we didn't need too. I will
always forgive him, I am still in love with him. I know him as I know
myself and I know if we looked each other in the eyes we would never let it
end again. No southern Mother would step in. No God would punish us for the
choices we did not make in the first place..." Ryan said as Kevin reached
over and squeezed his shoulder.

"Brian do you believe God would have made you this way to punish you and
never let you show your love to someone special?" Ryan asked.

Brian lifted his head thinking of his next answer it had been a long time
coming and everyone remained silent as the newest driver turned into a
saint in their eyes. Kevin could not believe his ears. Here a total
stranger was breaking his cousin's walls down so easily and making it all
seem clear to himself as well as Brian. He was transfixed; this was
certainly not just a driver.

"I think my family believes it was my choice. But, who would choose this
life of solace in a God that would hate me for that choice," Brian asked
figuratively.

"God asks you not to hate. Does this also mean he can not hate and you can
not hate yourself? If he created you and he says he did, then you are a
Child of God and God does not hate his own creations. He punishes them but
he does not hate them. God is Love." Nick responded.

"I know I understand where Brian is coming from; I always have. If our
family is so narrow minded as to not see that they are against the very
person that they have tried to protect then they are in the wrong. Because
god said 'Judge not lest ye be judged' that tells me that God is the judge
not us." Kevin said looking at Ryan with the hope that he would be able to
make all of this make sense.

"Sound like you guys have given this some thought," Ryan said.

"I for one know I have," Brian said and paused as no one followed it up.

"Guys the only reason I broke up with him is because I was shamed into it
by my mother. She made me see that God would deem me to reside in hell for
it...... I loved him as I was to told to do and raised to do. I made him my
world because he was my world. He understood me when my own family turned
against me and in the end I still stood by them and let him go. I never
meant to hurt him but I have and I lost his love because of it..... I lost
it because of the stardom. I lost my faith in love; I lost my true faith in
god. Why would a God be so cruel to keep us apart, when he made us the way
we are? Why would I choose the loneliness and homophobia of this world. God
would not do that on purpose, not the God I knew as a child." Brian said,
deep in thought.

"Blesses are the Children, God is love," Nick said, surprised he had
remembered any of the things he had learned in church half-grinning to
himself. There was a silence of about 5 minutes until Ryan sighed heavily
in the front seat breaking the monotony.

"Brian do you really believe he does not have feeling for you any longer,"
Ryan finally asked. Kevin was caught off guard by this he never really
considered how Wil must have felt and here Ryan was making it clear to
everyone that it was a two way street.

"I know he said he does. But, Ryan what you don't understand is...."
Something was eating away at Brian and then he finally let the idea sink
in. "Ryan do you think that he does still love me for me," Brian asked.

"I will never forget him, I will never find another lover like him. I will
always forgive him; I am still in love with him. I know him as I know
myself and I know if we looked each other in the eyes we would never let it
end again. No obstacle would be to big for the right person, I may not have
been strong enough or wise enough then, but I am now..." Ryan said as Kevin
grinned at him.

"Did I tell you Wil's middle name was Ryan Howie. I used to call him
William Ryan Littrell to get him to smile at me when he was down. I
believed it was the right thing to be calling him. He was as close as I
have ever been to being married. Kevin had tear in his eyes as he looked
over at Ryan who was crying in the driver's seat.

"So, Ryan how did you end up picking us up," Kevin asked.

"I got hired by a bitter woman who loves her son so much and she has come
to the conclusion that she has done him wrong. Kind of your typical fantasy
novel. Mother's usually do not come to their senses until it is way to
late. Hopefully she is not to late this time." Ryan said.

"I bet they work it out," Kevin said.

"If this was a Movie I bet they meet on the street after all those years of
separation the street is white with snow the breath they breath makes mist
in the air. The air is silent as nothing moves around them. Brian takes a
step as he sees a familiar face. They do not lock eyes they approach each
other but they are still unsure." AJ said opening the door and pushing
Brian outside.

"Wil maybe you should get out here," Kevin said. "I want to see how it ends
or begins," Kevin said almost pushing for him to go.

Wil stepped out of the car still freezing cold. Brian could see him shiver
as he stepped out. Time had been kind to him. He was now Kevin's height
still built from what working out he did. Not over done but enough to
grapple onto. He could not look him in the eyes yet.

"So, this love of your life has been waiting along time to tell you how he
feels I take it." Brian asked sheepishly walking towards Ryan.

"Their breath froze in the air as a silence rushed around them the two
stood alone no interrupting from the outside world. They loved one another,
but were never able to tell. They knew this was their moment but neither
looked into the others eyes as they walked towards one another. He loved
him God he loved him but he had been hurt. So bad he was afraid." Ryan said
as he took the next three steps.

"Brian was just as afraid as he took his next step he remembered being hurt
so long ago. First by his mother, second by his career. Brian's brothers
waited on baited breath to see what would happen next." Brian said winking
at Kevin who had opened the window to look out.

Ryan grinned as he took another step towards Brian. He would not make eye
contact with him. He knew if he did so quickly he would end up rushing
this, and even so, the anticipation was killing him. He looked up just in
time to see Brian doing the same. Only two feet away now as they each
glanced at the others face. At first sight, time was standing still no
motion only emotion as neither attempted to make a move.

Kevin let out a heavy sigh as he saw the moment arrive. His heart was
pounding for the two as he let his tears begin to fall. A hand reached up
from the back seat of the Limousine rubbing the back of his neck and
caressing him making him feel both loved and proud to be a member of this
group. As he suspected it was Howie giving him the care of the moment. He
suspected it was just the passion of the moment. For as long as he had felt
that way for Howie he suspected it would never go any further. AJ reached
over and opened the backdoor as each of them stepped outside. Kevin was
helped out by Howie and held him tight as the rest watched Brian and Ryan.

Brian let out the breath that he had been holding for what seemed like
forever. Ryan watched closely as his lover's eyes met his and they spoke
volumes without saying a word. A light snow began to fall as the thoughts
of truth and love surrounded them and the finally took the final step
towards one another.

"William Ryan Smyth still holds my heart and the key to my love." Brian
said as neither broke the gaze.

"Brian Thomas Litrell never lost my love. I knew he was the one from the
day we first met. He is still the one and will always be my heart," Ryan
said.

Howie held Kevin tight as they hugged watching the scene unfold before
them. It was not just a momentary thing it was real for them too. They had
each held off for so long for the fears that no longer existed. Fear meant
nothing for in fear they hid from themselves and would have never received
the love they so desired if they remained that way. Nick and AJ both turned
to them and grinned.

"I was wondering when they were going to get to that," AJ whispered to
Nick.

Brian leaned gently forwards as Ryan did the same. Each cocked their head
to the side as they gently kissed for the first time in seven years. Ryan
began to sob as he wrapped his arms around Brian fear it was just a dream.

Brian's heart leapt into his throat as he realized the only thing that had
been keeping them apart all along was time. Time for understanding and time
for love to be let into his heart. He gently reached up with a free hand
and wiped Rya's stray tears.

"I love you." Brian whispered.

"I love you too." Ryan whispered back.

Kevin and Howie could be heard doing the same thing just a few feet
way. Brian was happier than he had ever expected he would feel ever again
in his life. He had wanted to be loved and to be able to love for so long
and now it was all possible again in his life.

A cold gust of wind ruffled their hair as they stood staring at one
another. AJ and Nick cheer in the background for them or so it seemed. Each
of them looked back at the friends stand there and found Kevin and Howie
deeply involved in a passionate kiss. Ryan giggles slightly as he squeezed
Brian's hand.

"Say that you will love me even still tomorrow?" Ryan asked.

"I will love you for the rest of our lives." Brian said staring at his love
again.

"By the power invested in me." AJ started but was immediately stopped by
Nick smacking him in the arm.

Kevin and Howie laughed now breaking apart as AJ smashed Nick into the
snow.

"Merry Christmas Brian!" Jackie Litrell said as she walked down the nearby
driveway finding the boys just a few feet beyond.

Brian held tight to Ryan's hand and began to worry if it was to be like
before. But Jackie had called Ryan. She knew what she was doing from the
beginning.

"Brian I see my sending Wil to go get you has had the affect I had hoped,"
Jackie said.

Brian looked shocked but Kevin and the others had already figured it out
from earlier in the conversation.

"Can you forgive an old woman for her worries?" She asked Brian.

"Yes Momma I love you so much," Brian said walking over to her and hugging
her tight almost ready to cry. All the while Ryan (Wil) stood there hold
onto Brian's free hand.

"Come here Wil." Jackie said pulling him in next. "Thank you for
everything. I'm sorry for what I did to you two," Jackie said kissing his
cheek.

They all headed up to the house in the make shift Limousine. For the first
time in several years, it was a Merry Christmas in the Litrell household.
All hope was returned and they all celebrated new beginnings and erased the
past mistakes.


The End...

writergray@aol.com