Date: Wed, 29 Sep 1999 16:25:50 EDT From: D LS Subject: Brian & Me Part 54-56 Before we get to the good stuff, there are a few things to take care of. Many of you will undoubtedly skip all of this and go right to the story, and shame on you! :) First, this story is a complete work of fiction. All (and I mean *all*) of the characters are just that - characters. It is not meant to imply anything about anyone. While a few of the characters are loosely based on people that I actually know, none of them are meant to represent anyone. While we may wish that some of the Backstreet Boys are gay, and while some of them may even be gay, I'm not going to be the one pointing the finger at them. As usual, if you are offended or made uncomfortable by material concerning sexual relations between consenting adult men, lighten up or go somewhere else. And if you are such a person, what the hell are you doing here in the first place? Also, if it is in any way illegal for you to be reading this type of thing, please don't. Or do, just don't get caught and feel *very* guilty.;) If any of the BSB happen to be reading this (hey, we can dream can't we?), feel free to drop me a line and let me know what you think. Here's where I usually go ahead and thank certain readers for their comments and support. However, since I *always* manage to forget someone, I'm going to stop that. Those who are special to me already know who they are, and if you're wondering whether or not you're one of them, chances are you are. :) I will take a moment to point out the few stories that I make time to read, in between bursts of writing. If you haven't already, check out "Adam, Zach, and BSB" by EG, "Search and Rescue" by Matt, and "Lucky Me" by Lauren. All three are great stories, and all three authors have become good friends of mine. :) I am going to single out two people. My editors, who both go a long way to restore my faith in humanity when it's shaken. EG has been incredibly helpful with his comments and humour, and is just all-around fun to talk to. :) And JB's the first person that I met through this story, and one of the biggest reasons that I'm glad I posted it in the first place. He's just so gosh-darn adorable. :P Okay then, enough of my blabbering for now. As always, comments and suggestions are more than welcome. Drop me a line at dls_stories@hotmail.com Enjoy! PART 54 I'm not sure how long I slept, but when I woke up, the stars (the few of them visible in the city) were beginning to show in the sky and someone was pounding on my door. "I'm coming!" I called, noticing that Brian and the guys were still singing. I hit the stop button on the stereo and continued on my way to the door. As soon as I opened it, I was bowled over. "What the hell are you thinking?" Andrea scolded me, flicking me in the forehead. "Why didn't you call me?" "What are you doing here?" I asked, wondering if maybe I was still dreaming. But the stinging in my forehead told me otherwise. "Where did you come from?" "I'm here because you need me, and should have called me," she said, putting her things down in the living room. "Now where's my hug?" Still confused, I walked over and gave her a hug. "But how did you know I was here? How did you even find out that I had left?" "Nick called me," she explained. "He was worried and figured that you would have come to me in LA, but we'll get to that later. After he told me what happened, this was the only place I could think of that you would go on short notice. I called Celia, who, by the way, is mad at you too, and she called Carrie, who told us where you were." "She wasn't supposed to tell," I said. "No, she wasn't supposed to tell any of the guys, and they still don't know where you are. But why didn't you come to me if you needed help?" "Because I have to figure this out on my own, Andy," I said. "This is stuff that is all mine, and I have to deal with it." "That's where you're wrong," she said, hugging me again. "How am I wrong? It's my past, and they're my dreams." "It stops being all yours when you tell someone about it. You told me, and you told Nick, though I still can't believe you did that. We're here to help." "And how do you propose to do that?" "Well," she said, "You got into trouble both times you tried to tell other people about your past, right?" I nodded. "But since Nick and I both know it already, maybe you'll be able to talk about it with us and you won't have to go through any of the after-effects." I thought about it for a minute, and realised that she was right. If they already knew about what happened, the stress of talking about it would be reduced. I found myself nodding. "Okay, you can stay, but you have to leave me alone if I ask." "Whatever you want, sweetie," she said, smiling. "You're calling the shots." "Easy for you to say, now that you've broken the rules and come all the way up here," I laughed. "Did you really expect me to just sit at home and worry about you?" "Well no, but I was expecting more along the lines of a phone call or something like that. You didn't need to travel all this way. I know how much you hate to fly." "If you need me, I'm there. I told you that before," she said simply. "That's all there is to it." "Thanks Andy," I said, giving her another hug. "No problem. Now where's Erron?" "At work. He's got the late shift tonight. You hungry?" "You bet," she laughed. "Chinese?" "Sure. I already did my homemaking for the day with breakfast." I got up to make the call and soon had enough food for an army being delivered. "So what did you do after you got here today?" Andrea asked, setting her suitcase next to the couch. I had offered her my room, but she had refused. "Well, first thing I did was scare about ten years off of Erron's life." I took a moment to tell her about my surprising Erron that morning, making her laugh. "And what about after he left for work?" "I finished up cleaning the kitchen and sat down to try to figure out where to start this mess. Then Carrie called and yelled at me for taking off like that." "Yeah, she didn't sound too impressed when I talked to her. Who told her you were gone?" "Kevin," I answered. "They're dating now." "Oooh," Andrea beamed. "Is that so?" "Yep. Just call me the love doctor," I laughed. "Give me a gay tabloid scandal and I can work some matchmaking magic all right." "So she probably called and told him that you were here then?" "No, I told her to tell Kevin that I was sorry for worrying them, and to pass my love on to Brian." "Which reminds me, Nick wanted me to pass along a message from Brian if I found you." "What is it?" "Three things," she said, ticking them off on her fingers. "One, he loves you. Two, thank you for the shirt. And three, he'll still have you. Not too sure about two and three, but the first one makes sense." I could feel the tears starting around the corners of my eyes when I heard Brian's words. They didn't fall, but my world blurred for a moment as I blinked them back. I explained to Andrea about my trading shirts with him, and what the third part of the message meant. "Then it sounds like he's handling you leaving pretty well," she commented. "Maybe I should call Nick and make sure," I thought out loud. "That's a good idea," she agreed. "All of them are worried about you, and I assume I'm under the same restrictions on talking to them that Carrie is?" "Yeah. If you're talking to them, don't tell them where I am. Just that I'm okay and working on getting back to Brian." "Okay. Why don't I go and have a shower and you can call Nick. By then the food should be here." "All right," I agreed, taking out my cell phone and turning it on. "So that's why you weren't answering," she said, slapping me in the side of the head. "I tried calling earlier but couldn't get a call through." "I didn't want Brian calling to try and get me to come back," I explained. "Well keep it on from now on. What if someone needs to get through?" "Yes mom," I said with a smile. Andrea grabbed a change of clothes out of her bags and disappeared into the bathroom. Opening my phone, I quickly dialled the hotel and asked for Nick's room. They took my name, then I was put on hold while they checked to make sure that Nick would take my call. After a moment, there was a click, and then Nick was on the line. "Nate! Where the hell are you?" he asked. "I'm not going to tell you that, Nick. I just wanted you to know that I'm all right. Are you alone?" "Yeah. Kevin just took Brian out for a walk to try and cheer him up. He's going to be staying in our room until you come back. When *are* you coming back?" "I don't know," I said. "Not until all of this stuff is behind me." "I'm sorry about this, Nate," Nick apologised. "If I had known that all of this was going to happen, I never would have brought my problems up with you." "I told you before not to worry about it," I said. "I'm glad that you thought you could come to me with it. Like I said, why did I go through it if not to help someone else?" "But look what happened!" Nick said. "You fall apart, Brian goes nuts because you can't talk about it, and now they two of you aren't together, and it's all my fault." "No it's not. Nick, all my telling you did was make it clear that there were some unresolved things that I had to take care of. They would have come up anyway. And I was having the nightmares before you and I talked, so that's not your fault either." Nick sighed. "So you can't tell me where you are, or when you're coming back?" "Nope. I won't tell you the first one, and I can't tell you the second," I said with a smile. "But don't worry too much. I think I made a little bit of headway this afternoon. Not a lot, but I got a start, I think." "What did you do?" "Oh, just a little trip down memory lane," I answered. "I'll tell you about it sometime, maybe. Right now, I want to know how Brian's holding up." "Well, Kevin and I found him this morning, sitting in your room with the letter you left in his hand. He was trying to put your dad's medallion around his neck, but his hands were trembling so badly that he couldn't get it fastened." I closed my eyes as the image Nick was painting took form in my mind's eye. "Once Kevin got it fastened for him, he calmed down a bit. He hasn't really said much about it. He's been quiet most of the day. I asked him how he was doing, and all he said was that he knew you'd be back. He said the medallion was a promise that you'd be back." "It was," I said softly. "And then he asked me if I knew where you had gone. When he found out I didn't, he asked me to call Andrea and have her pass a message along for him. Have you been talking to her?" I laughed. "Yeah, she just walked in the door, as a matter of fact." "So you're in LA?" "No, she came to me once she got the information out of Carrie," I laughed. "Wow, she's good. Kevin tried everything he could think of to get Carrie to tell him where you were, but she wouldn't do it." "Look, Nick, it's not that I don't want to tell you, but..." "But you think Brian would hold it against me if you and I had yet another secret that we were keeping from him, and you think that Brian would come to you if he knew where you were. I understand, Nate. And I think you're right about both of those. He'd resent it, and he'd be on the first plane." "Thanks," I said. "Will you tell him I love him, and that I miss him?" "Of course I will," Nick said. "Will you call again?" "I don't know," I said truthfully. "I'll see how things go. If there's an emergency or something, I've got my cell phone with me." "All right then. I'll talk to you later, I guess. Good luck with this, Nate. Come back to him. To all of us." "As soon as I can, Nick. You have my word. Bye." "Bye Nate," he said, and there was a click as he hung up. I was about to put my phone away when I remembered Principal Davis and made a quick call to Carrie. "Hello?" "Hi Carrie, it's me. Listen, I just wanted to let you know that a Principal Davis is going to be calling you tomorrow morning about setting up a couple of talks for her English classes." "Principal Davis? Does she have a first name?" "Um... Eileen, I think," I said, trying to picture the name plate that she had had sitting on her desk. "Anyway, she's a principal at the high school I went to here, and she wanted me to come and talk to a couple of classes. I told her to clear it with you." "Okay, and did you actually want to do this, or did you just need someone to lead her on for a while until she moved on to greener pastures?" "You know me so well," I laughed. "Actually, the initial plan was to do just that, but now I think I may want to do it. As long as it's for Ms. Jane Cole's English classes. Just hers." "And why's that?" "Because I get the distinct impression that Ms. Cole doesn't like me, and I think I could have a little fun with her." "You're such a bastard," Carrie laughed. "But you sound back to normal again. Did something happen?" "I'm not sure," I answered truthfully. "But I think it might have. I faced a few demons today, but I seem to have come out on top." "Good," she said, sounding a little relieved. "So when do you want me to set up these talks?" "I don't know. Not for a while, though. I don't know how much longer I'll be here, and I won't be staying a minute longer than I have to. Just tell her that you'll get back to her when I have a break in my schedule again. That should satisfy her for now." "All right, Nate. I'll set something up. You just concentrate on getting your head together." "That's the plan, Stan," I laughed. "I'll talk to you later, and thanks for not telling Kevin where I was." "Oh! That reminds me. I did tell Celia, because she needed to know, and I told Andrea, because she convinced me that she might be able to help. I hope you don't mind." "Nope," I said. "I should have called Celia myself, and Andrea actually just walked in the door." "She flew all that way?" "Yep. That's what friends are for, apparently," I laughed. "Well hold on to her. She's a good one," Carrie chuckled. "Now if there's nothing else, I'll let you go." "Nothing else, Carrie," I said. "Thanks for everything." "No problem. Bye." "Bye," I said, flipping the phone shut. "So what demons did you face today that you didn't tell me about?" Andrea said from behind me, scaring me badly. "Shit sweetie, we need to get you a bell," I laughed. "Never mind that. Spill. Now." she said, joining me on the couch. "Well..." The intercom buzzed, letting us know that the food had arrived. I went over and pushed the button to unlock the downstairs door, then opened the apartment door a little. "Well..." Andrea prompted. "I went back to my old high school," I said quietly. "You went there?!?" Andrea asked loudly. "Yes, I went there," I said. "Keep it down. We have neighbours, you know." "Screw them," Andrea said, joining me in the kitchen and taking a couple of plates from the cupboard. "What happened?" There was a knock at the door and I went to retrieve our dinner. I paid the delivery boy, giving him a good tip, then shut the door again and returned to the kitchen. "I walked around the place, letting my feet take me where they wanted to go," I said, continuing our conversation. "And..." "And first they took me to the staircase outside my English class." "Jack," Andrea said quietly. I nodded. "Yeah. I stood there for a little while, letting the emotions come and trying to deal with everything that came to mind. Then I left there and went to visit my old locker." "What happened then?" Andrea had taken the food out of the delivery bag and was busy piling it onto our plates. One advantage of our close relationship was that she knew exactly what I wanted and what I didn't. "Nothing much with the locker. I got into a little verbal war with a teacher, though," I laughed. "What were you fighting about?" "Whether it's realistic to expect high schoolers not to swear, basically, and whether the adults around them refraining from doing it really did any good." "And you of course argued that it doesn't," she grinned. "Damn right," I said with a smile. "I started to remember some of the people from the school while I was standing there, and I muttered the word 'asshole' under my breath. This bitch heard me and tried to dress me down in the hall." "Which, of course, just made you mad enough to get you going." "You know me too well," I nodded. "Anyway, after I finished talking to Ms. Congeniality, I wandered through the halls and to the cafeteria. Then I started to walk toward the boys washroom..." "You didn't go in," Andrea said cautiously, putting down her chopsticks and looking at me. "First I stopped at the office again and rescued a girl that the bitchy teacher from the hall had delivered for swearing in class. I apparently have some influence," I laughed, explaining about the favour that Principal Davis wanted from me. "Then I finished my tour and wound up in the washroom." My face lost it's joviality as I said it. "Shit Nate. After what happened with Nick, you should have had someone with you." I waved the suggestion away. "What's done is done," I said. "I walked in and just stood there inside the door for a minute, looking at the place on the floor. Then I went and kneeled beside it and ran my hand over it. That was when I really started to lose it." I heard the tremor in my voice and willed it to steady again. Coughing a little, I went on. "It all came back, and seemed so real. I started to cry and tried to leave, but I stood up too fast and had to lean against the wall for a minute. I just about killed a kid with the door when I finally got out of there." Andrea put her hand on my shoulder, pulling me into a one-armed hug, and kissed my temple. "You shouldn't have gone there alone, Nate," she said. "What would have happened if you had collapsed like you did on Nick?" "I don't know Andy, but once I was in the building, I couldn't _not_ go in there. It was the biggest ghost of them all." "I know it was, sweetie," she said, handing me my plate and my chopsticks. "But I'm still worried about it." "But don't you see?" I asked her. "Nothing happened. Well, I had a bit of a reaction, but nothing on the level of before. I think that, by going there and actually seeing things again, I took a bit of the fear out of it. I'm a lot stronger now than I was then, Andy. Physically and mentally. Things didn't seem nearly as scary as I thought they would." Andrea sighed. "Okay, I guess it worked out, but that doesn't mean that you should have done it. You didn't know what would happen." "But that's just it," I argued. "I think part of me did know what would happen, and that's why I wound up there. When I got in the cab last night in Santa Fe, I didn't have a clue where I was going. When Stan - the driver - asked, Toronto just popped out of my mouth. I was shocked, but knew it was right. "And again today, when I was trying to decide where to start this whole thing, I suddenly thought of the high school and knew that I should go there. It was hard, but I'm a lot better off having been there. All of this crap doesn't seem so insurmountable anymore." "Okay," she conceded. "So what's the next step?" "I'm not sure. I'll know it when I see it, I guess." "Well, I know you'll get through this," she said confidently. "In your own time and in your own way, you'll get through it." I smiled at her. "Thanks, Andy. I'm glad you came." "Me too, sweetie," she said, giving me a smile in return. "Remind me to call Dad and tell him what's going on. You gave them quite a scare too." "You told them?" "I had to," Andrea said. "He wanted to know why I was taking an unspecified length of time off of work. Once he found out you were in trouble, he practically pushed me out the door." I smiled at the picture in my head. It was nice to know that there were people out there who really cared for you. "Then I'll call them as soon as we're done eating," I said. "I'm sure they'd appreciate it," Andrea smiled. I flicked on the television, and we ate the rest of our meal while watching videos on MuchMusic. There was, of course, a Backstreet Boys video played. It was "I'll Never Break Your Heart." The original Canadian version. Andrea and I laughed at how young the guys looked, and I smiled every time Brian sang into the camera, feeling as though he was singing directly to me. "You're such a softy," Andrea laughed, catching me wiping at the corner of my eye. "I miss him, okay?" I defended myself with a laugh. "I miss his eyes, his voice, his touch, his smell. I miss him, Andy." She sighed and pulled me into a hug. "I know you do," she said soothingly. "And as soon as you're done here, you'll be back with him." "But how long is that going to take?" I asked. "I don't know, Nate," she said. "But you've already got a good start, after today. Like I said: In your own time, in your own way." I nodded and sat back on the couch, setting my plate on the coffee table. "I think I'm going to go and call Mom and Dad and let them know what's going on, and then maybe hit the sack. I'm pretty beat." "Okay. I'll be fine out here. You get some sleep. I'll hang out until Erron comes home." "Sure," I said, grabbing my phone and heading for my bedroom. "Goodnight, Andy. Thanks for coming." "Goodnight Nate. I just hope I can help." "You already are," I said, giving her a smile before I closed the door to my room. Sitting on the bed, I gathered myself and dialled the familiar LA number. After a couple of rings, Mom answered it. After we exchanged the usual pleasantries, she started asking me how I was doing, and why I had left Brian so suddenly. Within seconds, Dad was also on the line, asking more questions. We talked for almost half an hour before I finally had them convinced that I was okay and just needed time to figure a few things out. They made me promise to call them if they could help and to say hello to Andrea for them. After I did so, I managed to get off the phone. Flipping it closed with a smile, I pulled off my pants, as well as my socks. I had my t-shirt half-way over my head when there was a gentle knock at the door. "Come in Andy," I called. She came in with a flat package in her hands. "I forgot to give you this earlier. I thought it might do you good to have a reminder of what you're doing all this for." I slipped out of the shirt and threw it on the floor, then she handed me the package. I peeled the paper off of it and gasped. It was the picture that AJ had taken of Brian and I kissing in the hall of their LA hotel. Andrea had had it matted and framed for me. "Oh my god!" I said, looking at it. "Thank you Andy," I grinned, giving her a hug. "Don't mention it," she laughed. "And don't worry. I bought the frame and the matting and did it myself, so no one saw the picture." "It's wonderful," I said, turning it over and looking at it closely. "Now don't forget that you need to get copies made for me, and Mom and Dad want one too," Andrea laughed, watching me stare at the picture. "Just remember that he's why you're here. You'll find your way." I smiled up at her and gave her another hug before setting the frame on my bedside table, where I would see it as soon as I woke up. "I don't know how to thank you, Andy." "Just get your ass back to him, and I'll be happy," she laughed. "Now go to bed. And no bad dreams. That's an order." "I'll do my best," I promised. "I'll see you in the morning." I gave her a kiss on the cheek and she left me alone again, closing the door softly behind her. I sighed and got into bed. It felt strange being in a bed without Brian being there, but I was comforted by the picture that Andrea had brought me. Feeling a little foolish, I kissed my fingertip and touched it to Brian's image, then laughed at myself. I watched the changing light patterns on the ceiling of my room for a while, trying to come up with a plan of action for the next day, but no ideas came. Giving up and putting my fate in the hands of providence, I rolled over and closed my eyes. PART 55 I woke up in the wee hours of the morning, but not because of a nightmare this time. Wondering what had awoken me, I sat up in my bed and rubbed at my eyes. I glanced at the clock on the bedside table and discovered that it was almost five in the morning. My eye fell on the picture propped beside the clock, and I picked it up, tilting it to get a good look in the light coming in the window. Running my finger down the side of the frame, I examined the look on my face in the photo. While it was a profile shot, and only half of our faces were visible, both Brian and I had the same look. 'Contentment, happiness, the relief of finding that which was long sought,' the hopelessly romantic part of my mind insisted. The more rational part saw one thing: love. "I'll be back," I whispered to the picture. Taking one more look, I set it back on the table and looked around the room, trying to see if anything had fallen over, thus making enough noise to have woken me. Seeing nothing out of place, I relaxed and fell back onto the bed again, rolling over on my side. I was about to close my eyes and try to get back to sleep when my eye happened on my writing desk, and my computer. I could just make out the file folder sitting beside it with the editing that I had been meaning to do for days. 'Why can't it be that easy?' I asked myself. 'Why can't it be as easy as it would be with one of my characters?' I closed my eyes, still wondering. Suddenly, my eyes shot open and I sat up again, staring at the file folder and the computer sitting silently beside it. "In my own time, in my own way," I said out loud to the room, starting to get excited. I slid my legs out from under the covers and fished with my feet under the bed until I found my slippers. They were large, fuzzy things with rabbit heads on the toes. Erron had bought them for me for Christmas, and I couldn't bear not to use them, no matter how ridiculous they looked. He knew this, of course, which was why he had bought them in the first place. Putting my feet in them, I stood up and walked over to the desk. Reaching out cautiously, almost as if I was afraid of it, I pushed the power button on the computer and sat down in front of it. I moved my editing folder out of the way and rested my elbows on the desk, my standard posture when I was about to start a new piece of writing. The machine beeped at me and I entered my password, waiting patiently as the icons popped up on my screen. I opened my word processor and stared at the cursor as it blinked in the corner of the screen. It almost seemed as though it were mocking me. I smiled to myself and reached out with one finger, pressing the keys slowly and deliberately. "Lord, I hope I can get through this," Nate said. "Just give it a try," Brian soothed, putting his arm around Nate. The words appeared on my screen slowly, since I was writing with just my index finger. I looked at them for a moment and felt the smile burst onto my face. "Andy, you're an angel," I whispered. "In my own time, in my own way." Grinning foolishly, I leaned into the light cast by the monitor and started to type faster. Soon, I was lost in my past, but this time I was in control. I wrote for several hours. The story wasn't that long, but I needed the occasional break from the computer to avoid tears and to build up the courage to sit back down and continue. While it wasn't an easy thing to do, it was certainly less nerve-wracking than telling Nick had been. By the time I was finished and had read it over a couple of times, there were no more tears, and I was actually starting to smile. It still hurt, but it was a more distant ache, as opposed to the sharp pain of before. I saved the file and printed out a copy, watching as my life story shot out of the printer in neat little columns and rows of characters. Once it was sitting on my desk, a small stack of paper, it seemed even more distant. As though it was just a sheaf of writing for my book, rather than an inventory of my own private hell. Deciding to leave out the editing process and keep it as raw as possible, I brought the pages together and smacked them against the top of the desk, evening them out. I was about to staple them together when a thought occurred to me. Smiling anew, I turned back to the computer and opened a new file. I typed for a few seconds, fixed the formatting, and printed out the cover page I had created. Chuckling a little, I placed it on top of the other pages and stapled them all together into a packet. Placing it aside, I brought up my email program, but there was nothing new. I quickly shut down the computer and closed the screen again. Sighing contentedly, I was about to start thinking about crawling back into bed when I detected the distinct odour of coffee. Glancing at the clock, I was surprised to find that it was after nine. I stood from the chair, listening to the crackle of my spine as I did so, and picked up the stapled sheets from the desk. I got my robe from the closet and put it on, leaving the front open, and opened the bedroom door, sliding the papers into the large front pocket of my robe. The smell of coffee immediately got stronger, and I started to detect the additional odour of bacon. Smiling to myself, I walked down the hall, glancing into the spare room as I passed it. Erron had some sort of strange phobia about sleeping with the door completely closed. At first I had found it odd, but now everyone who knew him just accepted it as one of those things that made him our Erron. I looked in, seeing him sleeping soundly, and pulled the door almost completely shut. I knew he hadn't come in until late, and didn't want Andrea and I to wake him up. Stepping out into the living room, I noticed that the pull-out couch was back in it's couch position. Grinning to myself about how insistent Andrea was on neatness, I passed it by and walked into the kitchen. "Morning," I said, kissing Andrea on the cheek as I passed her on the way to the coffee maker. "Morning," she responded, cracking an egg into the pan. "You want some?" "Nah," I said, holding up a hand. "Give me a few minutes for the stomach to kick into gear, and I'll have a bacon sandwich." "Regular or apple butter?" she asked, giving me a grin. "Haven't decided yet," I laughed. "So how'd you sleep?" "Good," she said, checking the bacon. "Erron came home around one, and we talked for a few minutes. He looked like he was about to pass out on his feet, so I sent him to bed. Looks like I got a better sleep than you did, anyway." "Why do you say that?" "I got up about eight to use the washroom and heard you typing in your room. That keyboard's noisy." "I like to know when I've hit a key," I smiled. "Anyway, I know that the only time you voluntarily see eight in the morning is when you've also seen every o'clock before it. Couldn't sleep?" "Actually, I slept quite well until five or so. Then I woke up and got to thinking about things." "And then couldn't get back to sleep?" Andrea asked. "Uh uh," I answered. "Didn't wanna." "Care to elaborate on that?" she said with a chuckle, flipping her eggs in the pan. "I was laying there, wondering what woke me up, when I saw my computer sitting on the desk. I started to think about how much easier all of this would be if it were a character of mine going through it all." "Sure it would," Andrea said, nodding. "Then you'd be detached from it, and you could control what happened." "Exactly," I agreed. "And I was lying there lamenting that fact when something you said last night occurred to me. You said that I would get through all of this 'In my own time, in my own way.'" "Yeah? What does this have to do with why you didn't want to go back to sleep?" Andrea slid her eggs onto a plate, adding some bacon and toast, and headed for the table. I picked up my coffee and followed her. "Andy, think about it. What is my own way? How do I communicate most effectively?" Andrea looked up at me for a moment. "I dunno," she said, shrugging. "Writing, I guess. You're the best letter writer I know," she added with a smile. "Right!" I exclaimed. "I got to thinking about that, and then everything started to make sense. If writing is how I communicate best, and I'm having trouble communicating something..." "Then if you wrote it out, you'd be able to handle it better," she concluded for me, her smile growing. "You got it," I said, mirroring her smile. I reached into my robe and pulled out the packet of papers that I had put there and threw it down on the table in front of her. Andrea put down her fork and picked up the paper, reading over the front cover I had put on it. "Eulogy for a lost soul?" she asked, looking up at me. "Last minute inspiration," I laughed. "But that's not important. Read it." Andrea flipped to the first page and set it down on the table, reading as she continued to eat. After a moment, she looked back to me with a smile. "Is it all here?" "Everything I thought needed to be," I said. "And you got it all. No problems?" "Oh, it was pretty tough. Those few pages took me about four hours to do, but it wasn't as bad as it's been before. Nothing like when I told you and Nick." "So this is it?" "I don't think so," I said, sitting down. "I'm going to go over it later, and I want to talk about it again with you. I have to make sure that I can handle it before I start getting too excited." "But if this works for you..." "Then I'm one step closer to Brian," I finished with a smile. "Oh sweetie," she said, leaning over to give me a kiss. "This is fantastic. Once this stuff is out of the way, you've just got to figure out the dreams and you'll be set." I nodded enthusiastically. "But let's not get our hopes up yet. I need to see if this works, and I don't want anything jinxing it. You know, maybe I will have some eggs after all," I laughed, reaching over and stealing a little piece off her plate. Andrea grinned and made stabbing motions with her fork. I got up and walked to the fridge, pulling out the omelette-fixings from the day before. After a few minutes of chopping and whisking, I had the omelette in the pan and had started to whistle quietly to myself. Andrea came into the kitchen again to get some more juice and decided to whistle along with me. Sadly, the only thing Andrea could whistle properly was the theme song for the 'Andy Griffith Show', which was not what I had been whistling. With it's catchy tune, she soon overrode mine and we both wound up whistling the theme song while my mind supplied me with a picture of Andy and Opie walking down the lane with their fishing poles over their shoulders. "Thanks a lot," I laughed as Andrea started the song over again. "Now that's going to be going through my head all day." Andrea smiled and whistled her way to the table, putting a little bounce in her step and making me laugh. I pushed the toaster button down and got a plate for myself. Reaching into the fridge again, I grabbed the apple butter. "You want some fruit?" I asked Andrea. "No thanks. You and Erron are all the fruit I can handle," she laughed. "Funny," I grinned. I got some berries out for myself, deciding to go without the raspberries and just go with blue- and blackberries, and put them in a bowl, adding a bit of cream. I grabbed my toast as it popped up and buttered it, putting it on my plate. Getting a few pieces of bacon from the plate Andrea had left it on, I waited another moment for my omelette to reach perfection, then placed it on the plate beside my toast and bacon. "Thank you," Erron laughed, coming out of nowhere and grabbing my plate on his way through the kitchen. "I'll have some coffee too, please." He continued to laugh as he joined Andrea at the table and started to eat. I just stood in front of the stove and looked at him. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm eating breakfast," he smiled up at me, stuffing a piece of omelette in his mouth. "You're eating *my* breakfast," I insisted. "Well, this is what you get for not making more," he laughed. "And for scaring your pretend lover half to death with your sudden appearance yesterday morning." "But I thought the breakfast I made you yesterday was payment for that." "Partial payment," he grinned, pointing his fork at me. "But you're all paid up now." "Gee thanks," I smiled. "Now what am I going to eat? We're out of eggs." "You should have thought of that before you left your plate unguarded," Andrea chimed in, taking her last bite of egg. "Thanks for the support," I said, turning back to the counter. "I guess it's back to plan A." I put a couple more pieces of bread in the toaster and got the butter back out. Taking my coffee, I wandered out into the living room, leaving the pair of them snickering at the table. I reached over and turned the stereo on, pressing play. Almost immediately, Nick's voice came from the speakers, telling us to open up our hearts to him. "Isn't that how this whole mess got started?" Andrea asked, joining me at the window. "It's not his fault, Andy." "I know. Just seemed ironic," she laughed. I nodded and continued to watch the traffic on the street below. "What's this?" Erron called from the table, making us both turn back to him. Up the pile of papers that I had given Andrea. "Don't read that!" I said quickly, making him drop it back to the table. "Nate," Andrea said, putting her hand on my arm. "Maybe Erron should read it." "What?" "Well, you said that you wanted to make sure that you could get through a discussion about your past, right?" "Yeah," I said, urging her to follow me as I went to retrieve my toast. "But I already know the story. If you're going to have Brian read that, and then have a discussion, it's going to be totally different than talking about it with me, because we've already been over it." "So if I let Erron read it, since he's as in the dark about it as Brian is, it'll be closer to what I'll actually have to go through with Brian," I concluded. "Something like that, yeah," Andrea nodded. I thought about it for a few minutes, then looked up to see Erron watching and listening to our discussion. With a sigh, I nodded my head. "Okay, Erron, you can read it. But," I said quickly as he made to pick it up again. "But not for a little while. I wanna steel myself up for it." Erron nodded and Andrea smiled. I got my toast buttered and threw the last remaining pieces of bacon onto it, smushing it together on a small plate. "How can you eat those?" Erron asked, curling his nose and taking another bite of his - my - omelette. "Well, when other people eat your breakfast, you don't have much choice," I laughed. "Come on, Nate," Andrea said, sitting with us at the table. "You've been eating those for as long as I've known you." "I happen to like them," I said, defending my sandwich. "You're an odd, odd man," Erron laughed. I grinned maniacally for him and finished my sandwich. Getting up to retrieve both my coffee and my bowl of berries, I pushed my crumb-covered plate toward Erron. "Your turn to do the dishes, my dear," I laughed. Erron was still grumbling about it when I sat back down. Reaching over, he tried to scoop one of my blackberries, but was instead rewarded with a smack on the knuckles with my spoon. "There's more in the fridge. Get your own for once." Erron stuck his tongue out and took my plate with him to the kitchen. A few minutes later, I spooned the last couple of blueberries into my mouth. "Now if you'll excuse me," I announced to the room, "I feel the need for a nice hot bath." "Want company, sailor?" Erron asked with a wink. "Sorry, but I think my other boyfriend would disapprove," I laughed. Erron shrugged and started running the water for dishes. Andrea grinned and joined him in the kitchen. "You go have your bath. We'll be fine." I wandered back to my room and got a towel, then headed for the bathroom. Turning on the water and putting the plug in the bathtub, I turned and faced myself in the mirror. "You're getting there," I whispered to myself. I grinned at my foolishness, once again making an internal promise that I would stop talking to myself, then turned back to the tub and started to get undressed. By the time I was naked and had placed my towel on the hook next to the tub, the water was at the right level. I hissed as I stepped into it, letting my feet get used to the hot water, then carefully (and I mean carefully!) lowered the rest of my body until I was reclining and mostly covered. I sighed a little as the heat went to work on my body, relaxing my muscles and easing my mind. Closing my eyes, I thought of Brian and brought his image to mind, trying to capture every curl of his hair, every eyelash, every line of his face. I smiled as his eyes gleamed and his lips broke out into his trademark grin. I remembered the way his skin felt when I touched it, and how my own skin tingled at his touch. With a chuckle, I realised that I even missed his morning breath. I occupied myself for a little while, just going over the list of things - big and small - that I missed about Brian. Finally, realising that the water had become lukewarm, I grabbed the plug chain with my toes and pulled it out. Standing, I turned the water on and flicked the button, sending it through the shower so I could rinse myself off. Once I was finished, I stepped out of the tub and dried myself off. Grabbing my robe, I pulled it on and hung my towel to dry. I slid my slippers back on my feet and ran my fingers through my hair, trying to get it to lay down. Opening the door, I could hear the TV going, and I walked out to find Andrea and Erron on the couch watching "The Price is Right" and yelling at the contestants. "Since you guys are so involved, I'm going to try and get a quick nap in and see if I can't make it add up to a good night's sleep," I laughed, watching their exasperation as the man on the screen guessed the wrong price for a container of Turtle Wax. Andrea looked up at me and smiled. "Okay. We'll be here when you get back up." Erron just nodded absently, waiting impatiently for the next contestant. I grinned and shook my head, wondering not for the first time if Erron had a thing for Bob Barker. I turned around and headed back toward my bedroom, closing the door behind me. I pulled off the robe and walked to the dresser, getting out some boxers and socks. While I know it may be a fashion faux-pas, when I was looking for comfort, I needed some socks. Preferably big woolly ones. Pulling out a pair of grey ones, I slipped them on my feet and then jumped back into bed, pulling the covers back up over me and rolling onto my side. Reaching out, I stroked the side of the picture frame again and tried to remember exactly what had been going through my head at the time that it had been taken. Smiling, I thought about the night we had walked together hand in hand along the beach. That was the night that we had first spent the night together. The night that we had been together for the first time. The only time. Smiling, I closed my eyes and drifted off. PART 56 When I awoke, it was early afternoon and I was feeling very rested. I moaned a little as I sat up in bed and twisted, trying to get my back to crack. When it finally did, I turned myself around and let my feet dangle off of the side of the bed. I kicked my slippers aside and stood up, moving to the closet to find something to wear. I pulled out some chinos and a grey t-shirt that matched my socks and closed the closet door. Once I was dressed, I opened the door to the hall and stepped outside. In my wool socks, the hardwood floor was very slippery and I nearly killed myself before I caught the doorway and straightened myself out again. Stepping gingerly to avoid having my feet slide out from under me, I made my way to the end of the hall. I was just about to enter the living room when I heard Andrea and Erron talking. Realising that they were talking about me, I stopped for a minute and listened. "But I don't see why I can't just read it now," Erron said, and I knew that he would be holding the sheaf of papers I had left on the table. "Because he asked you not to, and you're not going to," Andrea insisted. "I just don't understand why he's never told me before. It's not like I haven't heard a difficult coming out story before." "It's more than that, Erron," Andrea said. "And who are you to judge which story is more difficult. It was bad for Nate, and that's all we need to know. You can't compare stuff like this." "I know that," Erron conceded. "It's just always bothered me that he never confided in me." "That's exactly the kind of thing that caused the tension between him and Brian," she said. "It was really hard for him to talk about it, Erron. As far as I know, he's only told two people. You know how open Nate usually is. That should give you some indication as to how important all this is for him." "Okay Andrea," Erron gave in. "I'll wait until he tells me to read it. But I'm not going to say that I'm not curious. Nate's about the strongest person I know. I can't think what could have happened to him that he can't bring himself to talk about it." "I know you're curious, Erron. Hell, I'd be climbing the walls trying to figure it out if he hadn't already told me. But the strength you see in Nate wasn't always there. A lot of it came from the stuff that is in that stack of paper." I smiled to myself at my friend's concern and stepped out into the living room. "It doesn't matter anyway," I said, giving them both a smile. "I think it's about time that the three of us had a talk." Erron looked up sharply. "So I can read this now?" he asked, holding up the stapled papers. "No," I said. "You're going to give them to me. I'm going to tell you about what's in here," I answered, taking them from him. "But I thought the purpose of writing it all down was so that you didn't have tell him about it," Andrea said, moving over on the couch so that I could sit down. "So did I, at first," I nodded. "But the more I think about it, the less I want to just hand Brian a stack of paper and say 'Read this.' I need to be able to tell him about it myself. I think writing it out was just another way of detaching myself from it a little, to make it easier. The same as my going back to the school yesterday detached me from it because I realised how much I had changed since then, and how much stronger I am now, as Erron mentioned." "How long were you listening?" Erron looked at me. "Just long enough to see how concerned you both are, and to love you all the more for it," I smiled. "Now sit down. We're going to have a nice long chat. What time do you go in to work?" "I have the night off," Erron said. "So we have all the time in the world." "Good. We just might need it," I said, getting comfortable and starting my story again. By the time I was done, all three of us had tears in our eyes, but I had managed to tell the entire story without needing a break to pull myself together, which was a huge improvement. "Are you okay?" Andrea asked me with concern in her voice. "I think so," I nodded. "That was a lot easier than before." "Good," she said, hugging me. "Now, any questions?" Erron and Andrea looked at each other, and then back at me. Neither one of them spoke. "Come on you two. I know you're wondering about some things." Andrea took my hand. "Are you sure you're up to this? I mean, you're doing a lot better than you have before, but don't you think you're pushing your luck?" I smiled for her. "I'm fine, Andy. I mean it. I think I'm ready to handle telling Brian now, and he's going to have questions about it, after all this time wondering what happened. I need you guys to help me make sure that I can answer them." Andrea nodded and looked to Erron, who was watching me intently. "Spit it out sweetie," I laughed, prodding him in the shoulder with my finger. So, for the next couple of hours, Andrea and Erron asked me every question that came to their minds. Andrea surprised me with the number of things that she was curious about. Apparently she had been wondering about a few things ever since I had told her my story the first time, but had never been able to ask. When we were finally done, I leaned back in my seat and sighed with exhaustion. Andrea leaned over and put her hand on my leg, rubbing it comfortingly. "Well?" I opened my eyes again and glanced at her. "Well?" She smiled for me. "How are you doing? You look worn out." "I am," I admitted, sitting up again and stretching. "But I'm okay. Better than I thought I'd be, actually." "Jesus," Erron said from his place by the window. "No wonder you never wanted to talk about it." I nodded. "I still don't want to, but I *can*. That's the big thing." "So what's next?" he asked quietly. "I know that this afternoon has taken a lot out of you, but do you think you'll be able to go over all of this with Brian?" "I think so," I said. "I hope so. Right now, though, I want to spend some time with my two friends and just hang out. I've had about enough emotion for one day." "All right then," Andrea said, taking charge of the situation. "We leave the next step for tomorrow, and tonight we just have some fun. What do you want to do?" "Brad Pitt," Erron said with a grin. Andrea and I looked at each other and started laughing. "*What* do you want to do, not *who*, you hornball," I grinned, shaking my head in mock dismay. Erron's smile expanded. "Well, we could go and get some dinner." "Yeah, I'm getting pretty hungry," Andrea agreed. "Okay then, let's go," I said, getting up off of the couch and doing a more thorough job of stretching my muscles. I felt vaguely like I had been through World War Three, but was looking forward to spending some casual time with my friends again. Andrea and Erron got up with me and we grabbed our jackets from the hall closet. "You sure you're okay?" Andrea asked with concern, placing her hand on my shoulder. I smiled and nodded for her. "Trust me, you'd know if I wasn't." We left the apartment and got into the elevator, which had just opened to let another tenant off. We nodded politely to the woman, who gave us an odd look. "What's with her?" Andrea asked. "She's a big reader of the tabloids. She's probably been wondering why Nate never visits his boyfriend," Erron laughed. "Well, I may have to start putting in regular appearances," I grinned. "But it'll be hard to smuggle Brian in my luggage." "You could leave him at home, you know," Erron said, poking me in the ribs. "Once I get back, I'm not leaving him anywhere, sweetie," I said with a smile. Erron shook his head and rolled his eyes. "Love," he said. I mimicked his movements. "Jealousy." The doors opened on the lobby and we stepped outside, opening the main doors and heading out in search of food. Erron was pushing for Italian, so we headed in the direction he wanted. The walk to the restaurant was uneventful. Andrea and I took in some of the local landmarks that we had missed while we were away, and Erron practically pushed us down the street. "I love that building," Andrea said, stopping to point it out for me. "Especially at night, when all the lights are on." I nodded. "It's nice. All these little things that you don't notice when you're here, but miss when you're gone." "Yeah yeah, it's nice," Erron said with a laugh. "Can we get going now? I'm starving." Andrea and I looked at each other and sighed, smiling. "We're coming," we said together and started off after Erron again. When we finally got to the restaurant, we saw that we had managed to miss the main dinner rush, and it was practically empty. We were seated very quickly, much to Erron's delight. Once we had ordered, he calmed down a little bit. "So Nate," he said, grabbing my attention. "Yes, my dear?" "What are the guys really like?" "Which guys?" I asked with a devilish grin. "You know which guys. Tell me what they're like in person. They've got to be different from their interviews," he said, slapping my arm. "Not really," I said, sipping at my water. "Ask Andrea. She's met them." "You met them?" he asked, turning to face her. "Yep," she nodded. "Nick slept in my bed." Erron's eyes bugged out of his head at that. "Relax," she laughed. "I wasn't in it at the time. He was sleeping off the jet-lag." Erron grinned and sat back in his seat. "He could do that in my bed anytime." I choked a little on my water and sat up sputtering. "Don't you ever think of anything else?" "Well when you're getting it regularly from Brian, that's probably really easy to say," he answered with a smile. I blushed and looked down at the table. "Nate?" Andrea asked, leaning across the table. "What's wrong?" "Nothing's wrong," I said, glancing up at her. "It's just that Brian and I... we haven't... you know." "You haven't?" Erron asked, a little too loudly. The three of us looked around us, but there wasn't anyone in earshot. "Why the hell not?" I shrugged. "Neither on of us is ready, I guess." "I think that's sweet," Andrea said, giving my hand a squeeze. "Me too," Erron said, looking at my embarrassment. "Crazy, but sweet." I rolled my eyes at him as the waiter set down our plates. We thanked him and then started to eat. "Okay, other than Brian's sex life and Nick's ability to fall into anyone's bed, what are they like?" I sighed and looked at the eagerness on his face, making a note to set it up for him to get to meet the guys. "They're great," I said simply. "Very down to earth." "That doesn't tell me anything," he complained as he took another bite. "Well, let's see," I said, setting down my fork. "AJ is a lot of fun, and really cool. He's not as wild as his image, but he's not that far off. He's been really good with Brian and I being together. Just don't call him a wuss. "Kevin is incredible. He can be a little too uptight at times, but that's just because he worries about everyone around him. He's got a big heart and already treats me like family. He and Brian are more like brothers than cousins, and he treats me the same way. "Howie was a little difficult at first. He didn't approve of my being with Brian because he thought that I was going to use him to make myself better known. But he can see how much we love each other, and now he's being pretty cool. He's still a little uncomfortable with two guys being together, but at least he's not being hostile anymore. "What can I say about Nick?" I asked, noticing Erron's ears perking up a bit. "He's great. A lot of people would have been jealous about their best friend suddenly spending all of their time with someone else, but he wasn't. He and I have become really close, and I just love him to death." "Me too," Erron grinned. "Down boy," I laughed, taking up my fork again and having another bite. "And that leaves Brian. He's just all-around perfect." Erron and Andrea smiled at me, and I knew that I was beaming, but couldn't stop. "Someone's in love," Erron laughed. I nodded and continued to smile. "Head over heels, I believe the expression is." "So they're all just totally cool with you tagging along?" "Howie wasn't at first, but he's come around. The rest of them don't seem to mind. I think it's nice for them to travel with a fresh face in the crowd, actually. There's only so much time you can spend looking at the same four faces around you, no matter how beautiful they are." "And how is Brian doing with you here?" Andrea asked quietly. "Nick says he's being quiet about everything. He knows that I'm coming back, and it looks like he's going to give me the space that I need. I'm surprised, actually, that he hasn't been trying harder to find out where I am." "Actually..." Andrea began, then trailed off. "What?" "He's called me a couple of times to try and get me to tell him. I wouldn't be surprised if Celia and Carrie have received a few calls too." "And he called the apartment this afternoon while you were sleeping," Erron added. "He didn't specifically ask whether or not you were here, and I just told him that I couldn't tell him where you were." I sighed and sat back in my seat, putting my fork down again. "Maybe he's not as good as I thought he was." "I'm sure he just wants to know that you're all right," Andrea said, taking my hand. "I told him that you were making some progress with everything and that he'd be the first to know when you were ready to come back to him." I nodded and thanked them both for not telling him. "I miss him so much," I said, hearing a slight tremble in my voice. "Which is why you're going to get back to him," Erron said, leaning forward a little and looking me in the eye. "You've already got one hurdle out of the way. Now you just have to figure out these dreams of yours." "Easier said than done," I said, putting my head in my hands and running my fingers through my hair, wishing that it was Brian instead. "I don't even know where to start with them." "It'll come, sweetie," Andrea said, rubbing the top of my hand with her thumb. "You've gone this far, you'll figure it all out." I sighed and ate a couple more bites before deciding that my appetite was gone, putting my fork aside. "Do you want to head home, Nate?" Andrea asked, looking over at me. "You look tired." "Yeah, I think so," I said. "You guys stay. I'll grab a taxi or something." "No you won't," Erron said. "We'll all go. Just wait a minute while I run to the washroom." Getting up, Erron quickly disappeared. "Nate?" Andrea asked, as soon as he was out of earshot. "Hmmm?" "How's Nick doing? You said he was dealing with some things, and that he wouldn't talk to anyone but you. How's he doing with you gone?" I looked up at her sharply. I hadn't even thought about that. "I don't know," I admitted. "We talked about it, and he was going to do a little soul searching. I hadn't thought about him having no one to talk to now." My heart fell at how lonely he must be feeling. "Relax," Andrea said, stroking my arm. "If he needs you, he has your number. You wouldn't be much good to him right now anyway." "Maybe I should call him and make sure." "If you think so," she said. "But what are you going to do if Brian answers?" "I don't know. I'll just tell him that I'm okay and that I miss him, I guess, and try to call Nick later." Andrea tightened her grip on my hand and looked past me, letting me know that Erron was coming back. He had just sat down again when the waiter arrived with our check. Grabbing it over protests from both of my dinner companions, I gave it back to the waiter along with my credit card. When I had collected the receipt, we grabbed our jackets again and walked back to the apartment. None of us was really in the mood for more talking, so we were left alone with our thoughts. As usual lately, mine turned inevitably to Brian. Arriving at my building, Erron let us in and we herded into the elevator, then into the apartment. "I think I'm just going to head right to bed," I said, yawning as I kicked off my shoes. "You go ahead," Erron said. "I'm not going to be up much longer, either. I have to work the early shift tomorrow." I gave them both a hug goodnight and then walked down the hall and into the bathroom. After my teeth were brushed, I went straight for my bedroom. Pulling off my shirt and pants - but leaving the socks on - I climbed in and pulled the covers up under my chin. As tired as I was, sleep refused to come, and I wound up just lying there watching the ceiling. I heard Erron go to bed, and the lights in the living room as they clicked off, signalling that Andrea had also turned in for the night, but still couldn't get to sleep. I turned over onto my side, noticing the cool air as it hit my back. Sighing to myself, I realised that if Brian were with me, he would be keeping me warm, with his arms wrapped around me and his body pressed against mine. I lay like that, feeling cold and lonely, then picked up my phone and dialled the familiar number. "Hello?" "Hi," I said, recognising Brian's voice immediately. "Nate? Where are you?" "Brian..." "All right then, how are you? I miss you." "I miss you too," I said, feeling the first tears making their way down my cheeks. "I miss you so much." "Then come back to me," he whimpered, obviously crying himself. "I'm trying," I said. "Believe me I'm trying." "How are you doing?" "Better than I thought I would be," I answered. "I've still got to figure out these dreams, though." "Why didn't you tell me about them?" he asked with a sigh. "Because you had enough to worry about," I said, sitting up in the bed. "And there wasn't anything that you could do about them." "How do you know that?" he answered. "You didn't give me a chance to try." "Brian..." "No, the dreams don't have anything to do with the stuff that you can't tell me about. They're another thing entirely. You said that yourself." I sighed and lay back down. "You're right, okay? Maybe you could have helped with the dreams. But it's too late now. I'm here and you're there." "Tell me where you are and I'll come," he said with determination. I could almost picture him with his bags already packed and ready. "No, Brian. You can't just take off like that, even if you can help me with it. Andrea and Erron are both here if I need them. You concentrate on the tour." "How do you expect me to concentrate without you here?" he asked. "How do you expect me to think about anything other than that?" "I don't know, Brian, but you can't just disappear and come to me, no matter how much I want you to. You have obligations to the rest of the guys. I'll get this figured out, and then I'll come to you." "Is there anything that I can say that will change your mind?" "Short of telling me that you'll leave me, no," I said. "We'll get through this, Brian." "Well you know I can't leave you, so I guess we've got to do this your way. But promise me that you'll call if I can help." "I promise," I said, closing my eyes in an attempt to stop the tears. "I love you." "I love you too." "Brian? Is Nick there handy? I have a couple of things that I need to say to him." "Sure, he's right here. But don't hang up until I get to say goodnight." "I won't," I said, running my hand across my eyes. "Okay, here he is," Brian said, and I heard him pass the phone. "Nate?" "Yeah, it's me," I said with a sniffle. "How are things going?" "They're coming along. I think I've got to the point where I could talk about things with Brian, but I still have to figure out the nightmares." "Maybe he can help with those," Nick said cautiously. "Like he said, they're separate from the rest of it." "Maybe he could, Nick, but he can't just leave the tour." "He'd do it in a second, you know," Nick said. "I know he would. That's one of the things that I wanted to talk to you about. You've got to keep an eye on him while I'm gone. Make sure he doesn't try to come looking for me." "But if he can help..." "Promise me Nick." He sighed into the phone. "Okay, I promise." "Good. The second thing I needed to know is how you were doing. I know that you don't want to talk to the rest of the guys about things, and with me gone, I wanted to make sure that you're all right." "Nate, relax. Nothing major for you to worry about. I've been doing some thinking, like you suggested, and I think I'm starting to make some progress. You just concentrate on getting back here, and we'll talk about it then." "That's good to hear," I said. "And you still don't want to tell Brian and the rest of the guys?" "Not until I have it figured out," he said. "But enough of that. You don't need to sit here talking to me all night. You sound tuckered out. I'll put Brian back on so that you can say goodnight." "Thanks Nick. I'll talk to you later." "Goodnight Nate," he said, and I heard him pass the phone back to Brian, who must have been hovering around him waiting to talk to me again. He was immediately back on the other end. "Nate?" "I'm still here, sweetie," I said. "Are you okay? Nick's right. You sound tired." "It's been a long day, Brian. A long couple of days, actually, with a long night in between," I chuckled. "And having you so far away just makes it all longer." "Then let me come." "Brian..." "Okay okay, I know," he interrupted me. "Now you go to bed. I don't want you getting sick." I smiled at the concern and caring in his voice. "All right, I'll try to get some sleep. I love you." "I love you too, sweetie. Now get some rest." "Goodnight Brian," I whispered as the tears started to flow again. "Goodnight," I heard him say, then the call was cut off. With a sigh, I flipped the phone closed and swung my legs out of the bed. Sliding my slippers onto my feet, I stood up and grabbed my t-shirt and put it back on. I wandered out into the hall and made my way to the living room, where I found Andrea's sleeping form on the pull-out. "Andy," I whispered. She moaned a little and raised her head. Once she caught sight of my face, she sat up. "Are you okay?" I nodded and wiped at my eyes. "Yeah. Can I sleep with you tonight?" "Of course you can," she said, giving me a smile and moving over in the bed. She flipped the covers back and I kicked off my slippers and climbed in beside her. "Thanks," I mumbled as I lay down on my stomach with my face turned toward her. "No problem," she whispered, and the last thing I remember feeling as I finally went to sleep was her gentle caress as she rubbed my shoulder. To Be Continued... There you go, folks! Two non-cliffhangers in a row! :P As always, comments/suggestions/questions/hate mail to dls_stories@hotmail.com Thanks for reading! ~*D*~