Date: Sun, 26 Mar 2000 04:16:35 EST
From: D LS <dls_stories@hotmail.com>
Subject: Brian & Me Parts 88-90

Hello, all! :)

Well, it's been a while, eh?  And on that subject, there are a couple of
things that I needed to say.  The first is a thank you to all of you who
have been waiting patiently for this installment to make its way up here.
And another thanks to those of you who emailed to make sure that I was okay.
  Your concern is greatly appreciated.  What is most definitely *not*
appreciated is the few of you who emailed only to point out that you feel I
have some sort of duty to post an installment.  I assure you that this is
not the case, and you'll note that you have the distinct impression of being
the first readers that I won't be responding to in an email.

Now that that's out of the way, let me point out that I'm really not as much
of a bitch as the above might make me sound.  Those of you who know me know
that.  But I *am* pretty frustrated with the matter, so excuse any excessive
bitchiness.

In the interests of tag-line space, I've decided to forego the majority of
the thanks that I normally include.  Everyone that I usually give my thanks
to continues to deserve and receive it, but it's a very long list, and I
won't bore you with it.   They know how much they mean to me.

The one that I can't get away without mentioning is Matt.  Aside from his
being so frustratingly American, and therefore not living next door to me,
he's a pretty damn cool guy.  I've enjoyed this crossover and the incredible
friendship that has developed between us more than even he knows, no matter
how much I tell him so.   He's truly become a best friend, one of those
people that I just *know* I'm supposed to have met, and I'm thankful that I
did.   There.  That should be gushy enough. :P

Stories to keep an eye on are the usual ones, with a couple of new
inclusions.  'Forever' by DJ was recently brought to my attention by one of
my favourite readers.  I'm not very far in, but I'm enjoying it so far.  And
'Because I Love You' by Lucas is also proving to be quite enjoyable.  I
think that's it.  I haven't been to the archive as much lately, so if I'm
forgetting one, I'll mention it next time. :)

*****

Formalities that must be said:  This story is in no way real.  The original
characters are based loosely on myself or friends of mine, but none of the
characters is meant to actually represent anyone.   I have no inside
knowledge of any of the BSB or NSYNC guys.   Which means, for those of you
who have asked, I AM NOT HOWIE.  Of course, that's what Howie would say,
isn't it?  :)

And if it's in any way illegal for you to be reading a story like this one,
then you probably shouldn't.  I have enough trouble being responsible for
me, so you're on your own.

I do hope that you all enjoy this one.  I like it, if that means anything.
:)  I guess I could keep writing anything here, since you probably all
skipped this anyway, but I don't have anything else to say, so here you go:

ENJOY!



	PART 88

	Closing the door behind me, I dropped into the chair again.  I stared at
the wall for a few minutes, trying to focus my mind and shut down all of the
emotion that was still raging inside, then turned my attention to the
picture in my lap and picked up my pencil again.


	About twenty minutes later, the door opened.  I didn't bother looking up.
"Nate?"

	"What is it, Kev?"

	"Just making sure you're okay."

	"Just fine.  Can't remember when I've been better."  I leaned forward a
little bit to pay closer attention as I added the shading below Nana's
eyebrow.  "It's not everyday that you watch your boyfriend's world crash
around him and know that you're responsible."

	"Nate, it's not your fault."

	"Sure it is," I said, still not raising my eyes to his.  "If I wasn't here
with Brian, this wouldn't have happened."

	Kevin closed the door and came over to sit on the end of the bed, facing
me.  "If you weren't here with Brian, he'd be even more unhappy than he is
right now."

	I sighed and finally put the pencil down, looking up at him.  "My not being
here with him this week wouldn't have put that look on his face.  You didn't
see him, Kevin.  The expression he had when he got to the living room was a
million times better than the one he had on his face in the dining room."

	"You haven't seen the expression on his face right now.  He's more worried
that you're okay than anything that reporter had to say."

	"I'm fine."

	"You're not fine.  No one who was fine would even *think* of telling me to
back off."

	I had to smile at that.  "Sorry about that."

	"Don't worry about it.  You were right.  I shouldn't have tried to take
control like that, and I certainly shouldn't have argued with you about how
you handled it.  You were upset.  You're still upset."

	"I just need some time to gather myself again.  The day sort of got turned
upside down all of a sudden."

	"You want to talk about any of this?  Brian and I talked to the rest of the
guys and told them what happened, so at least that's done.  If you want to
talk, I'm here."

	"Nothing much to talk about, is there?  My being around almost messed up
your career as well as Brian's, and I could just have easily screwed JC and
Matt over too.  Looks like Howie might have been right after all.  Not about
my motives, but the end result might turn out to be the same.  Once you've
got the basic facts of the matter down, there's just not much there to
discuss."

	"Sounds to me like there's a lot to discuss.  First of which is why you
feel the need to blame yourself for everything."

	"If the shoe fits..."

	"Nate."

	"Kev, can we just not?  Just give me a little while."

	"Do you want me to send Brian in?"

	"Don't send him, but don't stop him from coming if he wants to.  Tell him
I'm okay."

	"But you're not okay."

	"I am as far as he's concerned," I said pointedly, looking Kevin in the
eye.

	He didn't like it, but he nodded.  "Okay, okay.  I won't say anything.
He's going to know anyway.  But you ask me to butt out again, and I'm going
to have to slap you silly."

	"Yes, sir."

	"'Sir'.  I like that."

	"Yeah, well, don't get used to it."

	"Too late," Kevin laughed as he stood up and started for the door.  "It's
'sir' from now on."

	"I'll try to remember that."  I was already picking the pencil back up.  I
barely heard Kevin close the door behind him as I bent over my picture
again.


	Brian came in a few minutes later.  "Hey."

	"Hi."

	"I think I'm going to lay down for a little while."  He sat down on the
bed, watching me.

	I kept my eyes on the page, not wanting to look up at him with all of the
things that were going through my head.  "Okay.  I'll be quiet."

	"Nate?"

	"What?"

	"Do you think maybe you could hold me?  It's sort of been a long day
already.  I just want to be with you for a little while."

	I had to look up at him.  He sounded almost lost, and didn't look much
different when I settled my eyes on him.  He was sitting on the edge of the
bed, looking tired and a little scared.  "Oh.  Yeah, of course."

	I got up out of the chair, putting the pencil in the spirals of my notepad
again and setting them both on the desk.  Brian lay down on the bed, and I
settled beside him, putting my arms around him as he put his head on my
chest.

	"Kevin told you that we talked to the guys?"

	"He told me."

	"They all wanted to know how you were doing."

	"And what did you tell them?"

	Brian raised his head a little bit to look up at me.  "That I didn't know."

	"You shouldn't have worried them like that," I said softly, lowering his
head again and gently stroking his hair back from his forehead.  "There's
nothing they can do about the situation that they're not already doing."

	"*I'm* worried, Nate.  The way you walked out of the room like that, and
what you said..."

	"I didn't mean to worry you.  I just needed some time to work through some
stuff in my head.  I probably shouldn't have said what I did."

	"Did you mean it?"

	I considered lying to him, but I didn't want to do that.  "Yeah, I did.
I'm frustrated, Brian.  I can't help it."  I heard my mother's voice in my
head and joined mine with it.  "Fate often puts all of the material for
happiness and prosperity into a man's hands just to see how miserable he can
make himself."

	"I don't like the sound of that."

	"Neither do I, but there's no getting away from it."

	"Talk to me," Brian whispered, giving me a gentle hug.

	"Let's just lie here for a little while," I suggested instead.  I didn't
want to get into this with him.  I knew that eventually we would probably
have to, but in bed with his arms around me and mine around him wasn't the
place to do it.

	"No.  Talk to me."

	"Brian, no."  I wasn't going to go any further until I had things straight
in my mind.  I was liable to say something that I didn't mean or, worse,
that I did mean and that would hurt him.

	"I'm not going to let this go."

	"Neither am I.  But I'm also not going to talk about it right now.  If
that's not good enough, then I'll go and get some more work done."  I
started to get up, already mentally beating myself up for being harsh with
him.  He was trying to get me to open up, and I had managed to bitch him out
for it.

	Brian clung to me and kept me in place.  "Don't go."

	I sighed and settled back against the mattress.  "Look, I'm sorry Brian.  I
don't mean to be an asshole, but I'm just not going to talk about this any
more right now.  There's been enough happen already today."

	"But it's bothering you."

	"Yes, it is.  But there's no reason that it has to bother you and everyone
else, too."

	"You know better than that."

	And of course, I did.  "Let's just stop, okay?  Try and nap or something?"

	"You nap.  I'm not tired."  From the tone in his voice, I knew that he was
going to let it go.  I also knew that it wouldn't be for very long.  I
didn't answer, simply rubbing his back and resting my head on the pillow.


	When Kevin knocked on the door a little while later, neither one of us was
sleeping.  We hadn't moved, either.  I was still lying with Brian on my
chest as I stared at the ceiling, trying to work through the crap in my
head.

	When neither one of us answered the knock, Kevin opened the door and stuck
his head in.  "Okay to come in?"  I felt Brian nod and looked from the
ceiling to Kevin.  I also gave him a nod, and he entered the room, closing
the door behind him.  "Did you guys talk?"

	"A little," Brian told him, but I shook my head, letting him know that we
hadn't talked at all, really.

	"Oh.  Well, I was talking with Matt and JC about things, and we decided
that a change of scenery was in order.  You know, to take our minds off of
everything and have a little fun.  We were thinking that it would be nice to
go out for dinner, and then get a room in a hotel downtown.  Get out of the
house and spend some time living it up."

	"Ah, I don't know, Kev," I said, frowning.  Going out in public had been
what brought Ms. Neale into our lives, and I wasn't sure if I was up to
trying it again.

	"We'll be there," Brian said decisively, not looking up at me.  "What did
you guys have in mind?"  I started to protest, but Brian dug his fingernail
into my back to keep me quiet.

	Kevin gave me a glance, but I just shrugged resignedly, so he continued.
"Matt suggested The Peabody.  Great hotel, and it's got a really nice
restaurant downstairs as well."

	"Sounds good."

	I sighed and nodded.  "Sounds fine."

	He frowned at me, but he nodded.  "Okay, I'll go and make the reservations.
  Oh, Matt said it's a pretty fancy restaurant.  Really dressy, you know?
Did you guys pack anything like that?"

	I shook my head.  "I bought Brian some dressy stuff the other day with
Matt, but I didn't get anything for myself.  I just wanted to cover all the
bases, since he didn't have anything with him."

	"Okay, well, I don't have anything either, so I guess we're going to have
to go and get something.  You up for a little road trip?  I wouldn't want to
try and guess at sizes and stuff."

	"We'll come," Brian volunteered.

	"No," I corrected him.  "I'll come.  We don't need to cause any more of a
scene as is absolutely necessary.  Trying to hide one Backstreet Boy is more
than enough.  When do you want to go?"

	Kevin looked from Brian to me again.  "In a few minutes, I guess.  I'll
call and make the reservations, and then we'll head out."

	"Sure.  I'll get ready and meet you in the living room?"

	"Okay."  He got up from the bed and walked to the door, but looked back at
us before he opened it.  "You guys sure you're okay?"

	"Fine," I told him, sitting up.  Brian let go of me and sat up with me, but
he didn't say anything.  Kevin didn't look like he really bought it, but he
didn't argue.  He opened the door and disappeared down the hall again.

	"Nate..."

	"I said I'd go with everyone tonight, Brian," I told him, getting up off of
the bed and going to the closet.

	"No, *I* said that we'd go with everyone tonight.  You tried to get out of
it."

	"Well, I didn't put up much of an argument, did I?"

	"No, but you wanted to."

	"And I have a fingernail mark in my back that said that I shouldn't."  I
pulled out a long sleeve green button-up and slipped it on over my t-shirt,
rolling the sleeves up to my elbows.  I didn't bother to button it.  "I
don't know what else you want from me."

	"I want to know why you didn't want to go."  He was still sitting on the
edge of the bed, watching me have my little tantrum.

	"I just don't know if I'm up to going out in public again at the moment.
Not after the trouble that it almost got us in today, okay?  It might be
best if we lay low for a while."

	"We're not criminals on the run, Nate."

	"Aren't we?  We might as well be.  I just don't know how good an idea it
is."  I opened the bedroom door and turned to face him.  "You coming?"  I
knew that I was being too brusque with him, but I couldn't help it.  The
entire situation was frustrating me, and the fact that I couldn't explain
why was even more frustrating.

	Brian sighed and got up, following me to the living room.  Kevin was still
on the phone, apparently, so Brian and I sat down on the couch to wait for
him.  He put his hand on my knee, but he didn't say anything.  Matt and JC
both watched us with concern, obviously picking up on the tension, but
neither of them seemed willing to intrude.  They both sat quietly and waited
for Kevin to rejoin us.

	I finally decided to be the one to break the silence in the room.  "Kevin
tells me that I need to pick up something a little dressier for dinner
tonight."

	Matt nodded.  "Yeah.  The restaurant is pretty fancy, but I think you'll
enjoy it."

	Before we could continue, JC grabbed Matt's wrist and checked the time,
informing us that we should get going.  Matt checked as well and agreed.

	"Aren't you going with him?" Brian asked, looking at JC.

	"No, Matt's going to pick something up for me.  I think he can guess my
sizes."

	I saw Brian smile a little and look at me, obviously expecting me to make
the joke.  His smile faded when he saw that I wasn't going to.  Thankfully,
Kevin stepped in.  "After the last couple of days, I wouldn't think he'd
have to guess."

	Matt grabbed JC's hand, kissing it while JC blushed.  "Relax," he told
Brian and JC.  "Kevin's going to play chaperone for us."  After our last
trip to the mall, and the shameless flirting Matt was doing with the A&F
clerk, I wasn't surprised that they would want a chaperone.

	"Somehow, that doesn't make me feel any better."  JC said.  Matt laughed
and gave him a kiss, then stood from the chair and reminded JC that Kevin
was straight, and thus not a threat, but JC wasn't convinced.  "I have my
doubts.  No one who looks that good could possibly be straight."

	Kevin blushed heavily as Matt mussed his hair and gave him a kiss on the
top of his head.  Kev started to smile, then just rolled his eyes when Matt
agreed.  "You know, you might have a point there.  Come on," he said,
motioning at me.

	I stood up from the couch, bringing Brian with me.  When we were on our
feet, he gave me a kiss on the cheek.  "See you in a bit."

	I nodded and followed Matt and Kevin out the door and into the driveway.
JC and Brian stood in the doorway watching us leave.  Kevin and I both
walked to the rear doors of Matt's SUV, and I saw them share a look between
them.  Sitting in the front almost certainly meant having to take part in
conversation, and there was no way that I was going to do it.

	I won the silent battle of wills, and Kevin sat in front.  I got in and
fastened my seatbelt, thinking that it was rather nice to have some time
away from Brian.  I could think things over without having to really worry
about what he was thinking, or having to make an attempt at being social and
half-ways normal.  With things on my mind, I tended to shut down all but the
most important functions.  Being social wasn't considered one of them.

	However, that didn't apparently coincide with Kevin and Matt's plans.  As
we pulled out of the driveway, they both made several attempts to pull me
into conversation.  I responded with basically a series of grunts.

	We had barely begun when I realised just how horrible it was of me to be
relieved to be away from the man I loved simply because I didn't have to
worry about his feelings when he wasn't right there in front of me.  Taking
care of his feelings was one of the things that I was supposed to want to
do, wasn't it?

	But I couldn't do it.  I just couldn't afford to think about that, because
that made things worse.  My whole problem was that my existance in his life
could hurt a lot more than his feelings.  It could hurt everything he held
dear.  While I knew that he loved me more than any one thing that was at
risk if we were found out, did he really love me more than all of them put
together?  Making a sacrifice was one thing.  Sacrificing *everything* was
totally different.

	And could I rightly ask him to do that?  To risk it all, not only for
himself but for everyone else involved with us?   Was I even justified in
asking him whether he was willing to do that?  I mean, wouldn't that sound
like I doubted his feelings for me?

	I knew he loved me, and I knew that I never ever wanted to think about
being without him.  What I didn't know was whether or not that would be
enough.  If the worst happened, would the love between us be enough?  He'd
almost have to resent me on some level.  I was the one variable in the
situation that could bring it all tumbling down for him.

	If it came right down to it, I couldn't imagine living with myself if I
caused him that much pain.  That was, for me, the number one thing about
loving someone else.  The desire to keep them from pain as much as one
could.

	Which led me down the slippery slope of pain, and whether or not it was
relative.  Could I stop him from having his life brought down around him?
Yes, I could.  How?  By leaving him before he got hurt.  Which would cause
him pain, without a doubt.  But, to my way of thinking, that would *have* to
be less pain than our being found out was likely to cause him.  People broke
up all the time, and the world went on.

	But he would no doubt not see pain as being so comparable.  And I didn't
*want* to leave him.  He was the one.  I knew that on such a fundamental
level that there was no refuting it.  So, then the question became whether
or not I could handle not having him in my life.  Whether or not I could
withstand the pain of that, in order to save him from the pain of my staying
with him.  I wasn't at all sure I could.

	From left to right, the situation was now rock, me, hard place.  I didn't
think I could handle leaving him, but at the same time knowing what might
happen to him if I stayed seemed unacceptable as well.  Which was the lesser
of the two evils?  Was there any way to tell?  My mind was spinning, not so
much working through the questions as highlighting them and adding them up
until they seemed absolutely insurmountable.

	I was finally roused from my thoughts as the car came to a stop and Matt
killed the engine.  Looking up, I realised that we were at the mall.  I also
noticed something else.  I was crying, and I had no idea how long it had
been going on.  Hoping that neither Matt nor Kevin had noticed yet, I
hastily wiped at my face, removing the moisture there.  It was a foolish
hope, of course.  My eyes were undoubtedly red, and unless I had missed
something really exciting, neither Kevin nor Matt were blind.

	But, neither one of them spoke much as we got out and headed inside the
mall.  They both seemed to realise that I really wasn't in the mood, and
they left me alone for the most part.  Occasionally, one of them would grab
my arm or shoulder when I didn't notice that they had stopped or turned and
I continued on my way.

	Thankfully, my mind had almost shut down.  All of my worries were still
there, alive and kicking, but there was sort of a numbness that had settled
in for the moment.  It occurred to me that it was likely the mental
equivalent of the calm before the storm, but I decided to ignore that and
hope for the best.

	I was just thinking that when I felt a hand drop on my shoulder again, and
I looked up to see Kevin standing beside me.  He gave me a concerned look
and pulled me to the side, into Brooks Brothers.  I followed them inside,
and was quickly swallowed by a virtual sea of suits.

	Standing at a table in the middle of the store, I contented myself with
looking through the various dress shirts folded and piled there.  I wasn't
really looking at them, but it probably looked good to others.  Unless, of
course, you happened to be Matt and Kevin.  Both tried again to get me to
come around, but it was definitely a losing battle.

	Eventually, they both showed up beside me and nudged me to get my
attention.  Looking up from the plain white dress shirt that I had been
staring at for at least five minutes, I saw Kevin holding a suit out.  When
he asked me what I thought, I actually had to think for a minute to figure
out what he was talking about.  When I realised that he was thinking of the
suit for me, I nodded.  "That's nice."

	Kevin sighed slightly, and turned away with Matt following him.  By the
time they were five feet away, I had already forgotten what the suit looked
like.  I went back to the white shirts, berrating myself for being so out of
it.  I was away from Brian, but I was still with Matt and Kevin.  They
deserved some sort of effort to at least be within the realm of normalcy.
The guilt increased ten-fold when I realised that Matt was consciously
avoiding me.

	When Kevin found a suit for himself and walked into one of the changing
booths, I decided that I had to at least make an effort.  Walking over to
Matt, I found him looking through a bunch of ties.  "Aren't you going in
there with him?" I asked, forcing a rather stupid-looking smile on my face.

	"What?"  Matt seemed shocked that I had actually spoken of my own free
will.

	Since when did just talking get so hard?  "I just figured that the view in
there might be better than the company out here."

	Matt didn't smile.  "No argument there," he said in a clipped tone.

	The knowledge that I'd managed to piss off a friend didn't make me feel a
whole lot better.  I figured I might have been better off just hanging out
by the shirts.  "Sorry."

	Matt nodded, but he didn't say anything.	Kevin chose that moment to
re-emerge from the changing booth, and Matt smiled a millisecond before he
whistled.  Kevin blushed, but he smiled when he saw the slight smile I wore
as well.  Mine came more from thinking that his blush actually clashed with
the suit he was wearing than from his embarrassment or Matt's whistle.

	Matt walked over to Kevin and put the tie he was holding around Kev's neck
and tied it.  It looked pretty smart on him.  Matt must have agreed with me,
because he left it on Kevin and pushed him back into the booth so that he
could change again.  After Kevin was secured away again, Matt turned back to
the ties to find one for JC.

	I decided that it was my opportunity to say something - anything - to get
Matt to understand on some level.  To make him see that I wasn't trying to
piss him off.  I was just trying to work things through my head the only way
I really knew how.  Unfortunately, that way was to close myself off,
insulating myself so that I could turn my attention inward.

	"You're not being too fair," Matt commented.

	He had his back to me, and I wasn't entirely sure how he knew that I was
there.  But his comment cut through enough to piss me off.  I knew that it
wasn't entirely fair to Brian not to make him a part of my deliberations,
but who the hell was Matt to comment?  He was a friend, but was he really
qualified to make comments on how I handled almost destroying my boyfriend's
life?

	Of course, he was practically an expert on keeping things to himself, and
dealing internally before he let others in on the problem.  He had, in fact,
been doing that about his health until today.  Assuming that he had had a
chance to tell JC what the doctor had told him.  Then again, I was pretty
damned sure that he wasn't going to be telling JC about his little breakdown
in the driveway.  Seemed very much like the pot calling the kettle black.

	"I know," I said, returning his tone.  "There seems to be a lot of that
going around lately."  I was almost able to regret saying it as soon as it
was out of my mouth, but I wasn't about to take it back.

	Matt decided to ignore it as well, and he merely held up another tie.
"What do you think of this one?"

	"Should look nice on JC," I told him, checking it out.  I knew somehow that
it wasn't going to go any further than that.  No hard feelings or anything,
no more comments or attempts to shame each other.  Only a mutual silent
agreement to let it drop cleanly.

	Matt nodded and put the tie over his arm, then gathered up the suit he had
chosen and another one that I assumed was the one that they had shown me
earlier.  I now knew that it was black.  Matt also grabbed Kevin's from
where it was hanging over the still-closed door of the booth.

	"Hey!" Kevin said, emerging in time to see Matt making off with his suit.
Matt just smiled and told us both that he'd pay for everything, eliciting a
protest from Kevin.

	This was familiar.  It was the same thing that Matt had pulled on me at the
start of the week, and I had only managed to get him to agree to letting me
pay for half.  I had a feeling that Kevin wasn't even going to get that
much.  "You're not going to win this one," I told him, smiling a little.

	Kevin continued to argue, but Matt paid no attention.  He just walked to
the counter and asked the woman to start ringing it up.  Walking up behind
him, I thanked him.  More for the comment earlier, and the intentions behind
it, than for the clothes.

	"No problem," he said, not even looking up.  He pulled out his credit card
and passed it to the clerk.

	"The suit's nice, too," I said, letting him know what I had been thanking
him for.

	Finally, Matt smiled and looked at me.  "Anytime."  I knew that he meant
both the suit and the attempt to bring me around.

	Kevin joined us, giving me a smile.  "You feeling better?" he asked
quietly, his hand settling on my shoulder.

	I gave him a look of thanks and shrugged.  "Depends on what better is."

	Matt came up, carrying everything.  We redistributed it amongst the three
of us, and left the store again.  Kevin decided that he was hungry, so we
headed for the food court instead of the car.  Which turned out to be a
less-than-stellar idea.  He was almost instantly recognised, and barely had
time to hand us the stuff he was carrying before he was surrounded.

	Matt and I fought our way through the perimeter of people and picked up
some pretzels and drinks, then found a seat to wait the crowd out.  That
many people instantly recognising Kevin wasn't exactly what I needed to see.
  It was just a reminder that, if Brian and I slipped up for even an instant
at the wrong time, it could very well be over.

	I mulled that over while we waited for Kevin to come back and join us.
When he finally managed to convince the fans that he really did have to go,
he spotted us and came over.  Matt handed him the pretzel and drink - both
of which were, by this time, well beyond their prime.  He began munching as
we once more started for the car, taking the closest exit we could find to
avoid any more crowds.



	PART 89

	The ride home was a little better.  I once more claimed the back seat,
still not in the mood to be chatty, but I also managed to take part in the
conversation a bit more than I had on the trip to the mall.

	When we finally got back to the house, we found Kathy waiting for us.
Whatever they were talking about, the three of them were laughing like
fools.  Part of me resented the apparent ease with which Brian was dealing
with the situation, and part of me envied him.  I sat down beside him,
noting how his smile slipped slightly when he saw me.

	Matt took our stuff and asked JC to give him a hand putting it in the
bedrooms.  It was obvious to everyone that he wanted to talk to JC, and I
had a pretty good idea what they were going to be talking about.

	"You find something?" Brian asked, giving me a kiss.

	I nodded.  "Kevin and Matt picked something out for me."

	"What's it look like?"

	How do you justify not knowing what the suit you just got home from buying
looked like?  I shrugged.  "It's a suit."  I looked up just in time to see
Brian's frown at Kevin, and Kevin's subsequent shrug.  "It's nice," I added,
hoping to make it a little better.

	"We should probably get ready," Kevin said, saving me for the moment.
"It'd be kind of nice to get checked in at the hotel before we have to be at
the restaurant."

	"I'm packed," Kathy said, pointing to her luggage.

	"We're not," Brian told me, then stood up as Kevin headed down the hall for
his room.

	I got up with Brian and started for the bedroom as well.  We were almost to
the doorway when Kathy spoke.  "Nate?  Can I talk to you for a minute?"

	I arched my eyebrow, but her face didn't change, telling me nothing about
what she wanted.  I looked at Brian, and he gave me a nod, letting go of my
hand.  "I'll get started with our stuff."

	"Thanks," I told him, watching him walk down the hall, then turned to face
Kathy again.  "What did you need?"

	"Two things.  The first is to ask if you're okay.  JC and Brian filled me
in on what happened this afternoon, and how you took it.  You working
through it alright?"

	"Honestly?  I'm not sure I'm working through it at all right now.
Wallowing is the word that comes to mind."

	She nodded and pulled me into a hug.  "I thought so.  Which brings me to
the second thing.  Brian needs you to talk to him about this.  He's hurting
more from you pulling away than he is about what happened."

	"You don't think I know that?"  It came out sounding harsher than I meant
it.

	"I know you know," she assured me, rubbing my back.  "But you really do
have to let him in on this.  He's bound to have thought about everything
that you're thinking."

	"I can't, Kathy.  Not right now.  I just can't."

	She pulled away from me and looked me in the eye.  "Okay.  Work through
what you need to.  But try and do it quickly.  Brian's going nuts."

	"He can join the club."

	"I'm sure he can," she chuckled, then leaned back in and kissed my
forehead.  "Now go and pack.  And try to have some fun tonight?  There'll be
more than enough time to worry tomorrow."

	I sighed and stepped away from her.  "The way things are going, there'll
probably be even more to worry about tomorrow.  I didn't have a care in the
world this morning, and now look at things."

	"You had worries this morning, too.  It might not seem like it, but they
were there.  You just thought they were settled a little more solidly than
they were, and they all got riled up at once.  Things will settle down
again, Nate.  I promise."

	"I know they'll settle.  I just don't know what it'll look like when they
do."

	"Go to Brian.  Even if you can't talk with him yet, just be with him.  Let
him know that part of you is still around."

	I nodded and thanked Kathy for her concern, then turned and followed
Brian's path down the hall to the bedroom.  When I stepped inside and closed
the door, he was standing at the foot of the bed, looking at the suitcase
that was open in front of him, checking to make sure that he had everything.
  Hearing the door click shut, he looked up.

	"Hi," I said lamely, standing just inside the room.

	"Hi."  He turned to face me fully and put his arms out.  "Come here."

	I walked over to him and let him embrace me, then closed my own arms around
him, resting my head on his shoulder.  We stood there for several moments,
neither one of us speaking.  "You going to tell me?" he asked, finally
breaking the silence.

	"Yes.  But not right now."

	"Nate?"

	"Not right now."

	"When?"

	"When I can, Brian."

	He sighed and squeezed me tighter, turning his head to kiss my neck.  We
stayed like that for a few seconds, and then he released me and stepped
back.  "I don't like this."  He turned and closed the suitcase, then picked
it up and set it on the floor.  "I really don't like this."

	"I'm not exactly having a picnic today either, you know," I snapped.

	He searched my face briefly, and then nodded.  "I know you aren't.  I just
think that things would be easier if you talked about it."

	"Well, when I *can* talk about, you'll be the first to know."  His head
shot up when he heard my tone, and I immediately felt like the biggest
asshole on the planet.  But the sudden flash of anger left enough of a
residue in my head that I didn't entirely care.  I picked up the suitcase
from where he had put it down and headed for the door.

	"Nate...  You know that this is going to work out, don't you?  We're
supposed to be together.  It's fate."  There was a note of confidence in his
voice that I suppose I should have found heartening.

	But, I didn't.  I sighed as I opened the door.  "'We make our own fortunes
and we call them fate'," I recited.  "Let's just go.  They'll be waiting for
us to be ready so that we can get to the hotel."

	"Are we going to talk when we get there?"

	I pretended not to hear him as I started down the hall.  I thought the
chances of our talking once we got to the hotel were pretty slim, but there
was no need in my mind to tell him that.  No sense adding fuel to the fire.
Especially with the mood swings that I was experiencing at the moment.

	Everyone was waiting for us when we got to the living room, and there
wasn't much discussion as we piled into the car and started for the hotel.
Brian and I were sitting in the very rear seat, his hand on my knee as I
watched the city roll by outside the windows.  Several times, I felt their
eyes on me, but when I looked around, they were all studiously looking
elsewhere.  Only Brian's gaze was constant, but I couldn't meet it.

	When we got to the hotel, I got out with everyone else, feeling Brian's
hand slide off of my leg.  He climbed out behind me, a gentle brush of his
hand on my hip reminding me that he was there.  Not just physically, but
emotionally as well.  He knew that I would catch the full meaning behind the
move, but if he expected a reaction to it, he was disappointed.  I merely
waited for Matt to hand his keys to the valet, and followed him inside with
the bag that Brian had packed, and my suitbag thrown over my arm.

	Checking in, I discovered that Kevin had made reservations for us to stay
in what was called the 'Romeo & Juliet' suite.  I struggled to keep from
rolling my eyes as we walked to the elevators.  The last thing I needed at
the moment was to be staying in a room named for star-crossed lovers.

	Brian took my hand once the doors of the elevator had closed, and the two
of us leaned against the back of the car while it rose.  I caught glances
from all of them, directed both at me and at each other, and tried to keep
from meeting their eyes, concentrating instead on the grain of the wood
panels of the car.

	Kevin handed out the keys when we reached the suite, and we all took rooms.
  Brian and I wound up with a room sharing a bathroom with JC and Matt.  It
occurred to me that it would probably have been a better arrangement to
share with Kathy or Kevin - one less person in the mix - but it didn't seem
to dawn on anyone else.  We were only going to be there for one night, after
all.

	The first thing that I did was hang up my suit, and I then began to unload
the rest of my things, personal items and additional clothes for the next
day.  I was just opening the bag when Brian's head landed on my shoulder.

	"I'll be right back.  I just want to talk to Kevin for a minute."

	"'Kay," I responded, hoping both that he would wrap his arms around me and
that he would leave at the same time.  "I'll be right here."

	For a moment, I felt him start to move, and I think his arms actually had
started to make their way around my waist, but he checked the movement,
putting his hands in his pockets instead.  He removed his chin from my
shoulder, gave me a quick kiss on the back of the neck, and then walked back
out into the common area of the suite again, closing the door behind him.

	With a sigh, I went back to unpacking.  It had been the perfect opportunity
to talk to him, but at the same time it had been totally wrong.  We were
alone, but only for a few minutes before everyone else would be wanting to
get ready for dinner.  And even if we had had the time, I didn't even know
where to begin to talk about what was bothering me.  Everything was still
jumbled in my head, and none of it seemed good in the least.

	My afternoon of reflection had been somewhat helpful, but not long enough.
I knew that they were all worried about me, and about Brian by association,
but I couldn't come up with much to set their minds at ease.  After all, *I*
was worried about us, too.  It was hard to comfort someone else when you
were the one causing them to be upset.

	I finished with my own things and started on Brian's, deciding to keep it
all to myself until either I couldn't do so any longer, or I had worked
through my feelings enough to put them across to him in a way that wouldn't
confuse or hurt him or anyone else.  Hanging his suit in the closet next to
mine, I turned and had just started to unload the extra clothes that he had
brought when he came back into the room.

	"Thanks," he said, seeing what I was doing.

	"Welcome."

	"We have to talk, Nate."

	"We will," I stalled.  "Later.  Right now, we have to get ready for dinner.
  How much time do we have?"  I still hadn't turned to face him fully.  I
could see him standing just inside the door in my peripheral vision, though.

	"As long as we need.  I just told Kevin that I wanted a little time alone
with you to talk about what's going on.  He called downstairs and told them
that we might be a little late for our reservation."

	"There was no need to do that, you know."

	I saw him coming, but I expected him to stand beside me.  Instead, he
grabbed my shoulders and spun me around to face him, then took my head in
his hands and kissed me.  It was a long kiss, and full of passion, but not
the kind that usually led us to major distractions.  It was the kind that
was meant to make sure that I knew that he loved me, and that he needed me.

	Breaking away just far enough so that our lips weren't touching any longer,
he brought his forehead to rest against mine.  "Don't shut me out.  If
there's a problem, we have to deal with it, but don't just shut me out like
this."

	I had closed my eyes during his kiss, and they had remained closed.  Now, I
opened them and looked him in the eye.  "Brian, I'm not trying to shut you
out.  Please believe that.  I just need some time to figure out exactly what
it is that I need to do."  I pulled my forehead back and stepped out of his
embrace.

	"Let me in your head.  We'll figure it out together."

	"There's not enough room in there for the both of us right now."

	"There's never enough room in there for me," he whispered, turning back
around, facing away from me.

	That hit home.  "What's that supposed to mean?" I asked, my voice raising
just slightly above my normal, even tone.

	"Exactly what it sounded like," he returned.  He picked up a little
decorative box that was sitting on the dressing table in front of him and
turned it over in his hand.  "There's never room in your head for me."

	"What are you talking about?  You're most of what I think about, Brian!
Today, you're *all* I've been thinking about!"

	He put the box back down and looked at me again.  "There's a big difference
between being *on* your mind and *in* your head, Nate.  You know that.
You're so closed-off that way.  At first I just thought it was you being
guarded.  God knows you have reason to be, but now I'm starting to wonder if
I'll ever be allowed in."

	"It's not like that, Brian," I told him, sitting down on the edge of the
bed.  And I was right about that.  It wasn't like that... but it was close.
It wasn't that I didn't let him or anyone else into my head.  I had learned
to open up and allow that.

	Before Brian, there had only been two people who were able to get that far
into my head.  Andy and Erron.  They both knew that they had the ability,
but they rarely exploited it.  They preferred to allow me to share with them
what I chose to share.  Brian was different.  He - quite rightfully - felt
he had the right to be there, and that changed everything.

	It wasn't that he wasn't allowed in my head.  He had accomplished that
rather quickly, as a matter of fact.  Kevin and Nick had joined the ranks in
there as well, to a certain extent.  The problem was that I reserved the
right to change the locks when I felt the need.  By my executive decision,
access had been temporarily suspended while I worked through what I needed
to.  That was the way that it worked, the way it had always worked, and
quite frankly, it wasn't about to change.

	But I couldn't tell him that.  It sounded too much like he had had his
privileges revoked, and that implied that he had done something wrong.  It
was more like my head was closed for remodelling for a while, while I
restructured a few things.

	"It's exactly like that."  Brian came to stand in front of me.  "You've cut
me out of this, and I thought we weren't going to do that anymore.  Not
after what happened before.  After your disappearing act in Santa Fe."

	"I'm not going anywhere, Brian.  Not this time."  I started to stand, but
he pushed me back to the bed.

	"That's right.  You're not. Not until you and I talk about this."

	Right idea, wrong tactic.  I stood up again, pushing against him when he
once more placed his hand on my shoulder and tried to return me to the bed.
He hadn't been expecting the resistance, and he backed up a step as I stood.

	"Brian, I said we're going to talk about this, but not until I've got what
I need to talk about straightened out in my head.  Until then, no good will
come of opening it up.  Trust me on that."

	"How am I supposed to trust you when you're doing exactly what you did
before?"

	I took his head in my hands and looked him in the eye.  "Look at me.  I'm
not going anywhere.  I just need you to trust that I will come to you when
I'm ready."  He didn't back up when I started to walk for the closet again.
"And trust me on this, too.  If you're going to try and out-stubborn me on
this, you're going to lose."

	"I don't want to fight with you," he said, backing up when I stepped
forward this time.

	"We're not fighting, Brian.  At least, I don't feel like we are.  I'm
telling you something, and you're not liking it, but we're not fighting."

	"You're fighting me."

	"No, I'm not," I sighed, resting against the back of one of the chairs in
our room.  "I'm really not."

	"Yes, you are.  I'm trying to talk, and you're fighting me every step of
the way."

	"Brian..."  This was getting us nowhere fast, and it was beginning to piss
me off.  Not so much anger at Brian but at the whole situation.  But in
truth, there was a little anger at Brian as well.

	"You *are*."

	I took a deep breath, intending on just calming myself and letting it drop.
  As I inhaled, he reiterated his belief that I was fighting with him, and
my breath quickly changed to serve a new purpose.

	"*NOW* we're fighting!" I yelled at him.  "Are you happy?  For Christ's
sake, Brian.  We're fighting over whether or not we're fighting!  Just let
it go!  I'm telling you right now, let it go!"  I turned my back on him and
went to the door, pulling it open.

	Kathy and Kevin were sitting out there, and both of them were looking at
me.  It was obvious that they had heard at least part of that.  I figured
that there was probably a pretty good chance that Matt and JC, wherever they
were, had heard it as well.  I closed the door again, deciding that there
wasn't really anywhere to go, then rested my forehead against it with a
sigh.

	"Nate, do you remember what happened the last time you asked me to just let
something go?  You wound up jumping on a plane for Toronto in the middle of
the night."

	"No, the last time I asked you to let something go, you pushed it anyway
and practically molested me on the floor of our room," I said into the door.
  "As I recall, that was another night that involved a romantic dinner in a
hotel."  I chuckled a little bit, the tension starting to drain out of me.
It was impossible to stay mad at him, especially when it was unwarranted in
the first place.

	I heard him laugh quietly as well, and then felt his hand on my back.
"Pizza's not romantic.  Isn't that what you said?"

	I nodded against the door.  "You still managed it.  It was perfect that
night."

	"Right up until I started pawing at you like that.  Sometimes I can be such
an idiot it's scary, huh?"

	I turned around and took both of his hands.  "No, you were worried.  And I
know that you're worried now, but I still have to ask you not to push me,
Brian.  Give me a little time.  A lot's happened the last couple of days,
and I want to sort it out for myself before we get into it.  For me?"

	That got the intended smile, though a little more subdued than I had been
hoping for.  "Okay.  A *little* time.  But you have to do something for me."

	"I'm not eating broccoli."

	The smile grew again, and he even laughed a little bit for me.  "Not that.
I want you to try and have a little fun tonight at dinner.  You've been way
too distant all afternoon."

	I nodded.  "I'll give it a shot.  I've been catching the looks that they've
all been giving me."

	"Kevin said that you barely said anything when you were shopping for your
suits."

	"I was pretty out of it.  I couldn't even tell you for sure what mine looks
like.  I'm just hoping that Kevin's got the sense not to let me get anything
too garish."

	"You'll look sexy, just like always," he assured me, then put his arms
around me and pulled me to him.  "Try and have fun tonight.  Who knows?
Depending on how sexy that suit is, you might just get lucky."

	"You really think Kevin might sleep with me?"  My relief at having him
agree to back off allowed a little of my sense of humour to return.

	I had just started to laugh when I felt myself slammed back against the
door, giving my head a pretty good smack.  I barely had time to think about
it, though, before Brian was kissing me again.  This one was definitely of
the sort that usually led us to distractions.  But, as nice as it was, there
was still more than enough crap knocking around in my head to keep it from
going anywhere serious.

	When Brian pulled his lips from mine this time, he had a smile on his face.
  Come to think of it, so did I.  "Now, if you still want Kevin after
*that*, you can have him."

	There was a pounding on the door I was leaning against, and I felt the
tremours throughout my body.  "Are you two okay?"

	"See?" I whispered.  "There he is now, coming to woo me away."

	"Probably thinks we've upgraded from yelling to throwing things," Brian
smiled, then raised his voice.  "We're okay, Kev!"

	"Then what was that noise?"

	"Nate tripped against the door.  He's fine."

	"Nate?"

	"I'm fine, Kev.  We'll be out in a bit."

	We heard Kevin walk away from the door, and Brian kissed me again, his
hands on my shoulders, pressing me against the door.  I enjoyed it for a few
seconds, and then a thought occurred to me that ruined the entire moment.
It seemed just a little too familiar.

	"Brian, don't."

	He backed away enough to allow me to walk further into the room.  He
started to ask me what was wrong, and then it fell into place for him, too.
He grabbed my arm and turned me to face him.

	"I wasn't, Nate,  I swear.  After the last time, I learned my lesson.  I'd
never try and use that to get you to talk to me.  Not again."

	I checked his eyes.  I believed him, but at the same time, I needed to be
sure.  When I saw the honesty in his gaze, I nodded.  "Okay.  How about we
just get dressed now?  They're going to be thinking we're killing each other
in here."

	Brian smiled at me.  "Or doing something else."

	"Something tells me, after the yelling they heard a few minutes ago, that's
the last thing they'd be expecting us to be doing."  I slid the closet open
and pulled out our suits, handing Brian his and throwing mine down on the
bed.

	"I guess we get to see how good your taste is when you're distracted,"
Brian smiled, leaning over and unzipping the suitbag.  I was just as eager
as he was.

	It turned out not to be too bad at all.  In fact, it was perfect. Simple
black suit, with a moss-green banded collar shirt.  I reminded myself to
thank Matt and Kevin for their help, since there was no way I would have
picked out something so nice in the mindset I had been in.  Brian and I both
approved, and he removed it from the bag, then started to unzip his own.

	That made me smile again, because his suit was almost exactly the same as
mine.  Same cut and colour, except with a cobalt blue shirt and tie.  I
figured that if he *had* to be wearing blue, he was at least going to be
wearing my favourite shade of blue.

	"I'm going to wet down my hair a bit," I told him, pulling off my shirt.

	"Okay.  I'll tell Kevin that we're getting ready."

	I just nodded and headed for the bathroom.  When I opened the door, I
discovered a bare-chested JC standing at one of the sinks, razor in hand.
"Oh, sorry," I said, then started to turn back into the room.

	"S'alright.  Hey, Nate?  You okay?"

	I turned around again as I nodded.  "Yeah.  I take it you heard?"

	"Just the louder parts."

	"But enough.  Yeah, I'm okay.  Brian decided it was time to talk, and I
decided that it wasn't."

	"Why not?"  He went back to the mirror, swishing the razor around in the
sink.

	"It's still a bit too much," I said, closing the bathroom door behind me
and sitting on the counter between the two sinks.  "It's a lot to take.  I
want to sort through it, and how I feel about it, before I bring it up with
Brian.  I already hurt him today with that little comment I made when I left
you guys in the living room."

	JC nodded and concentrated as he brought the razor down his chin.  "It was
a bit harsh, I guess.  Brian's okay with you keeping it to yourself?"  I
knew from his tone that he didn't believe for a second that Brian was okay
with it.

	I stood back up and turned the taps on in the sink on our side of the
bathroom, waiting for it to get to the right temperature.  "For now he is.
I didn't give him much choice in the matter.  He still wants me to talk to
him about it, but I can't yet.  We've been through something like this
before already.  He's not going to push.  Much."

	JC smiled at his own image.  "Just don't wait too long, or he's bound to
come up with something worse than what you'd say to him.  'Better the devil
you know' and all that."

	Grabbing a towel off of the rack, I nodded my understanding.  "I just need
a bit more time to figure it out.  I promised him that I'd try to be a bit
more social at dinner tonight than I have been the rest of the day."  I
dunked my head under the tap for a moment, and then ran my hands through my
hair, making sure it was all wet.  Having it that shaggy was getting to be a
pain, but Brian seemed to like it, so it was staying for the moment.

	I wrapped the towel around my head and dried my hair a bit so that I
wouldn't be dripping all over the place, and looked up just in time to see
Matt standing in the doorway.  "Well well, two half-naked men.  Who to
choose?"

	"He's better company," I said, smiling slightly.  "See you guys in a few
minutes."  Turning back around, I headed back into the bedroom just in time
to run into Brian.  He had his suit pants on, but his shirt was still
unbuttoned.

	"You like it?" I asked, looking him up and down.

	"Of course," he smiled.  "It's great."

	"Yes, it is," I said with a grin.  I was beginning to feel a little bit
better.  JC was right, though.  I was going to have to talk with Brian soon.
  But not at the moment, and that was the important thing.  I had promised
to try and be more with it at dinner, and I was determined to do just that.
"You suppose they'd mind if you didn't bother to button it?"

	"I think someone might object, yeah," he laughed, starting to button it.
"You need help getting anything undone?"

	I rolled my eyes and undid my pants myself.  "No, I think I'm good."

	"Maybe later?"  I looked up to find him with a cocked eyebrow.  He was also
licking his upper lip and trying not to laugh.

	"Just get dressed.  Let later come as it may."

	"Can you help me with the tie?"

	Tossing my pants on the bed and picking up the suit pants, I shook my head.
  "Sorry.  I never learned to tie them.  Andy and Erron both know how, and
since they're always around when I need to be in a suit, I never had to
learn."

	Brian laughed at me and walked over with the tie in his hands.  "I just
need you to wear it.  I can't tie them on me."  His hands worked at the tie,
eventually getting it to cooperate, and then loosened it again as he slipped
it off over my head and put it around his own neck.  "How come I have to
wear a tie if you don't?"

	"They didn't have a shirt like mine in that colour," I told him, pulling on
the pants and taking the shirt off the hanger.  "If they had, you would have
had it."

	He continued to grumble about having to wear the tie while we finished
getting dressed.  I almost caved and let him out of it, but it just looked
so good, I couldn't allow it.  He settled for being able to roll up his
sleeves, to make it a little more comfortable.  Considering that the
restaurant required people to wear jackets, I thought the sleeves were an
acceptable compromise.

	When we were finally dressed, he threw his jacket over one shoulder,
grabbed my hand, and pulled me out into the common room again.  Looking
around, we discovered that we were actually the first ones ready.  We both
tossed our jackets over the back of a chair, and Brian led me to the window,
looking out and down at Memphis.

	He moved behind me and put his arms around me, hugging me to him.  "You
know I love you, right?" he whispered in my ear, then brought his lips
together on my earlobe briefly.

	"I know, Brian.  And you know the same, right?"

	"Of course I do."

	"Good."

	"Well well, looks like someone's feeling a little better."  We both looked
around to find Kathy smiling at us.  "You done yelling?"

	"Depends on whether or not you're planning on pissing me off."

	She laughed and shook her head.  She had a grey-blue dress on that very
clearly showed off her figure.  Of course, Kevin was the only person in the
suite who would truly be able to appreciate that.  But Brian and I
complimented her anyway.

	She spun for us and smiled.  "You're looking pretty good yourselves."

	"We know," Brian told her.  "The suits are pretty nice, too."

	"Modest to the end."  Kevin came in from his room, looking very nice in his
new duds.  I thought about my comment earlier, after Brian mentioned that I
might get lucky, and laughed.  Kevin smiled, obviously happy to see me a
little more myself.  "What are you laughing at?"  He looked down at himself,
probably wondering if he had forgotten to zip up.

	"Just thinking about how lucky I am," I told him, then leaned back against
Brian.  "Or how lucky I might get."

	Brian laughed and pinched my stomach.  He had managed to unbutton a couple
of buttons and both of his hands were inside my shirt.  "Quiet."

	Kathy and Kevin shared a look when they saw me laugh, and they both smiled.
  "You guys ready for dinner?" Kev asked.

	"Yup," Brian answered for both of us.  His finger slipped into my navel,
while the rest of them gently scratched my stomach.  "I'm starving."

	"Then let's get to it," Matt said with a smile as he and JC emerged from
their room.

	Brian and I both grabbed our jackets from the chair, he took a moment to
rebutton my shirt for me, and then left the room.  Bundling into the
elevator, we rode down in a much more comfortable silence than we had ridden
up in.  I knew that I was the cause for that, and it bothered me.  I wasn't
entirely comfortable with the knowledge that I had that much influence on
those around me.

	I invested a lot in my friends and family.  For me, they both amounted to
the same thing.  With only four blood relatives still in existance, my
friends had become my family.  I suppose I should have been happy with the
fact that at least I was one of the few who *could* choose their families.
Yes, I invested a lot in them.  But I didn't like knowing that they invested
back.  It seemed like a lot of pressure.  Especially on days like that one
had been.

	The first thing that I noticed upon stepping out into the lobby was that we
were almost immediately one of the centres of attention.  Not everyone was
looking, since many of them seemed to be of the age that either didn't know
the guys or didn't care about them.  No one spoke to us, but there were more
than enough people looking to get to me.  I took a step away from Brian
almost before I knew I was going to do it.  He didn't look happy.

	When Kevin tried to slip the maitre d' some cash in exchange for a nice,
secluded table, he was refused.  It seemed that even the maitre d' had
recognised them, and asked only for autographs from them, as a favour for
his daughter.  They gladly obliged, after Brian gave me a quick but
meaningful look.  I had promised, and he was going to hold me to it.

	"This place is nice," Kevin said as he looked around after we were seated.
I glanced around, but didn't pay much attention.  I was preoccupied once
more, though my promise to Brian to pull myself around kept me from getting
totally out of it.

	It was a nice restaurant, but nothing that I hadn't seen before. While we
certainly hadn't been stinking rich, my parents had managed quite nicely,
and they had liked nothing more than to show it off.  Usually, that was
accomplished by going to places like this and making it known that they
expected the best.  About 90% of the time that I had spent in posh
restaurants, clubs and such had found me wishing I could crawl under the
table to get away from them.  To get away from my father.  He had a tendency
to be even more obnoxious about money than usual when we had been out.

	I had once seen him go ballistic in one of the trendy little restaurants in
Los Angeles because of a slight we had received from another customer.
After my father's seemingly endless comments about the menu, a woman behind
us had clucked her tongue and commented to her companion.  The only words
that we were able to catch were 'nouveau riche'.  Father had started
yelling, and we eventually left without eating.  At least that was
preferable to being asked to leave, which had also occurred on occasion.

	Thanks to my grandparent's trust and the inheritance from my parents, I was
now wealthier than either of my parents had ever dreamt.  Without knowing
it, they had provided me with two very important things.  First was enough
knowledge about how the 'better' class of people lived, and how to do it if
I needed or wanted to, and the second was the humility to not care much
about it, and to ignore it if something got messed up.

	Thinking about this, I picked up my menu and looked it over.  My appetite
was still on vacation, but I knew that Brian would be watching my behaviour.
  Right on cue, I felt his foot brush my leg, and he smiled at me.  I smiled
back and went back to the menu.

	"At least if they had to put it in French, they were nice enough to give
the translations for us hicks," Brian laughed, glancing at it.

	Matt laughed.  "Speak for yourself, redneck."

	We took a few more minutes to decide, and then the waitress appeared at the
side of the table.  She was quite beautiful, and she spoke with a *very*
good French accent as she introduced herself as Lysette.  Matt caught it as
well, and they talked for a moment or two about exactly that.  It turned out
that she was in fact from France, and was working while she studied and did
her Master's.

	When they finished chatting, she turned her smile to me and asked if we
were ready to order.  I nodded.  "I'm not all that hungry, but I'll have the
bisque froid a la mange for starters, and the filet de porc au couscous de
mais casse for the entree."  She wrote it down and turned her attention to
Brian.

	He grinned directly at me, and then looked back to her when he realised
that it had made me uncomfortable.  "Um, I'll have the bouquet de salad a la
Caesar, and the filett de boof a la chickoree," he said, horribly mutilating
the language.  But, judging from the smile on Lysette's face, even the
attempt was admirable.

	Kevin and Kathy didn't bother trying to be admirable.  They ordered in
English.  Matt, of course, understood and spoke the French, so that was how
he ordered.  We were all surprised when JC ordered in French as well.  Close
to flawless French, in fact.

	"Tres bien, monsieur," Lysette said with an appreciative smile as she
collected our menus again.  "Your wine steward seems to be somewhat delayed.
  He will be with you momentarily to take your drink orders."

	As soon as she left, we all looked to JC for an explanation of his
apparently new-found mastery of the French language.  He smiled innocently.
"What?  Nobody asked me if I knew how to speak French."  He proceeded to
point out that his last name *was* French.  Coming from where I did, I knew
lots of people who had french last names and didn't speak a word of it.  It
hadn't occured to me to think that JC would be any different.

	When he finished his explanation, he turned to me and grinned.  "By the
way, I think you're very charming, too."  He was referring to my comment
from several days back, of course.  When Matt and I had thought that we were
the only ones who could understand what we were saying.

	Brian caught on and asked JC for a transcript of that conversation.  JC
promised to give him one after dinner, until Matt reminded him that he had
plans.  It didn't take much to figure out what the plans were.

	The wine steward appeared shortly after that.  As it turned out, he should
have stayed delayed at whatever it had been that kept him.  He was more than
in for his match.  His first words didn't set a very good first impression,
and it was downhill from there.

	"It seems our little establishment has the honour of playing host to not
one, but two boy bands, according to some of our waitstaff."  It was clear
from his tone that he didn't consider it an honour in the least.  "Would you
care to take a look at the wine menu?"

	I sighed.  Even the waitstaff was watching us.  Kathy suggested that we get
some champaigne, and no one objected.

	"Then you will probably want the Cristal," the steward said.  I immediately
heard the scoff my father would have made.  In fact, I did hear one, but it
came from Matt.

	"No," he said, keeping his voice flat.  "We do not want your overpriced
recommendations for something so clearly unworth it."  It was *so* something
my father would have said.  I could have been disappointed in Matt if I
didn't know that he was up to something.

	"If you would prefer something less expensive, sir..."

	Matt didn't even let him finish.  "I would prefer to choose my own
selection, rather than have it thrust upon me by someone who knows neither
my tastes nor a good vintage.  The cost is no object, I assure you, but for
that money, I want something better."

	When Matt gave the man his order, it instantly brought a surprised
expression to his face.  He started to say something, but Matt cut him off
again with another bitchy comment.  And when he attempted it again, Matt cut
him of again by telling him that he could go.  He left, not at all happy at
being dismissed like that.

	I had to admit that I was impressed by Matt's knowledge, but I wasn't
surprised when he explained where it came from.  When he had come into his
money, he had taken to studying things like wines and all of the other
trappings that came with being a part of the upper upper class.  It was
exactly what my father had done, though I knew that Matt had done it out of
real interest rather than out of preparation for a confrontation like the
one we had just witnessed.

	When the steward returned, he showed the bottle to Matt, who sent it back
because it had been opened.  The steward tried to protest again, but this
time Matt ignored him, turning to us instead and resuming our conversation.

	"You're evil," Brian laughed, seeing the smile spread on Matt's face. He
was enjoying himself immensely.  Brian's comment was the final piece that I
needed to laugh at what I was seeing in front of me.

	Everyone turned to look at me, hearing the odd note to the laugh.  I
certainly wasn't a ha-ha laugh.  Seeing the confusion on Matt's face, I bit
my lip.  "Sorry.  You just reminded me a lot of my father."  I left it at
that, seeing Brian's expression change, his smile disappearing.  I hoped
that Matt didn't catch it, and that he would merely take it as a compliment,
as it would be from most people.  I certainly hadn't meant it as an insult
in any way.  Merely an observation.

	"Was that entirely necessary?" Kathy finally asked Matt, wondering what was
going on.

	He looked at me for a moment longer, and then smiled again and turned to
face her.  "Absolutely."  He explained that he hadn't liked the steward's
attitude from his first appearance at the table, and had decided to vent
some of his frustration in his direction.  I wondered how much of that
frustration was my fault.

	I wasn't sure if anyone but Matt and I had noticed the attitude problem.
We were likely the only two at the table who would have caught it.  Kathy
didn't seem to require a knowledge of fine wines or the etiquette involved,
and the guys were usually so busy or tired that they didn't have time to pay
attention to stuff like that.  I had personally seen the Backstreet Boys
simply sit and eat, even allowing someone else to order for them.

	The steward returned once more, this time with a corked bottle.  He opened
it in front of us, and offered the cork to Matt.  I closed my eyes and
looked down at the table, knowing what was coming.  Matt informed him that
smelling the cork wasn't done, and directed him to pour.  When he did, Matt
once more corrected him.  I felt a ghost of a smile come to my face, despite
my attempts to the contrary.

	"Wrong glasses," I whispered toward the tablecloth, just as Matt informed
him of the same thing, sending him away once more to bring us proper flute
glasses.

	Lysette came back before he did, and apologised on behalf of the
restaurant.  We all assured her that it wasn't a problem, and smiled for
her, just as she left and the steward returned again.  He was probably
wishing he was allowed to wear running shoes, with all the travelling he was
doing on our account.  When he had finally poured, and Matt seemed out of
things to complain about, he left.  I think he might even have sighed in
relief as he did so.

	Once we were alone again, we set in on the food that Lysette had delivered.
  I still didn't have much of an appetite, but what I ate of the bisque was
very good.  As predicted, Brian kept an eye on me.  Every time I detected
his attention, I ate a little more.  When they came to clear the dishes so
that Lysette could bring us our entrees, there was still more than enough
left in front of me to prompt a question as to whether or not I was
finished.  Nodding, I turned my attention to the scowling boyfriend in my
peripheral vision and pushed my dish away.

	I ate a little bit more of my entree than I had of my soup, but not much.
It certainly didn't go unnoticed, but nothing was said, for which I was
grateful.  While I was paying more attention to my surroundings and the
conversations going on around the table than I had been all afternoon, I
didn't take part in any of them.

	Shortly before everyone was finished, a man appeared at the table and
introduced himself as Jose Gutierrez, the chef.  "Lysette has brought it to
my attention that our staff has been less than accomodating."

	When we assured him that there was nothing wrong, and that the dinner had
been very enjoyable, he refused to listen.  Without waiting for our
arguments, he told us that the meal was on the house, and then went back to
his kitchen.  Sharing a look, we shrugged and went back to our plates.  It
wasn't every day that you got a free meal at a place of that calibre.



	PART 90

	When we got back up to the room, I started for the sitting area, but Brian
took my arm and pulled me away from everyone else.  I pulled back, but his
grip just tightened as we made it into our room and he closed the door.
"This has to stop.  I can't take any more of it.  I *won't* take any more of
it.  How are we supposed to be together if we can't even talk?"

	"We *will* talk.  I told you that."

	"When?  Right before you leave again?"

	"I'm not going to leave."

	"Dammit, Nate!  This solitary act gets really old really fast!"

	"You promised that you wouldn't push."  I turned away from the anger on his
face and stared at the far wall of the room.  "You said that you'd give me
the time."

	He walked around in front of me again and gave me an irritated look.  "You
promised me that you would try and be more yourself at dinner.  You said
that you'd try and put this stuff behind you for a little while."

	"I *did* try."

	He didn't look like he bought a word of it.  While the difference in my
mood was clear to me from the inside, from the outside, I had not apparently
appeared much different.  "Nate, I know that what happened today was scary,
but it happened.  Now we have to deal with it."

	"That's what I'm trying to do!  This is how I'm dealing with it."

	"But we have to do it together!  That's what being in love is, sweetie.  I
know that you're worried about that reporter, but we can't afford to be.  We
just have to trust that she'll stand by her word.  It's about the only thing
that we can do.  Try and pretend that she never entered our lives."

	"My mother always said 'facts are facts and will not disappear on account
of your likes'.  Ms. Neale *did* enter our lives, and she's not going to go
away."  Brian reached out and tried to grab my shoulders, but I grabbed his
wrists instead.  "No."

	"I know that she's in our lives, and we have to deal with that.  But I'm
just saying that we can't spend all of our time worrying about her.  We have
to hope for the best."

	I dropped his wrists and shook my head.  "'He who lives upon hope will die
fasting'."

	"Will you stop doing that?" Brian shouted, his brow furrowing.  "Dammit,
Nate, I'm talking to *you*, not to your damned mother!"

	He knew he'd stepped across the line as soon as the words were out of his
mouth.  That much was clear from the way his eyes widened and his mouth
sagged a little bit.  I took that much in, and then turned and headed for
the door.

	"Nate, I didn't mean that.  Please just talk to me.  I know that there's
more to all of this than just this reporter woman.  You have to tell me what
it is.  What's got you so scared?"

	Swivelling once more, I felt my hands clench into fists.  "Fuck!  What
doesn't scare me?  This whole thing scares me!  You scare me, Brian!"

	Throwing the door open, I heard him call me, but I didn't even slow down.
Everyone was already looking at our room, and they watched as I stormed past
them and to the one place that I always seemed to wind up when I was looking
to be alone.

	Brian's image appeared in the reflection of the bedroom doorway as I pulled
open the sliding glass door of the balcony and stepped outside, letting it
glide shut behind me once more.  I walked to the railing and looked out over
it, trying to make some sort of sense out of what had just happened.  Had I
really just told Brian that he scared me?

	Yes.  Yes I had.  Did I mean it?  On certain levels, I very much meant it.
I wasn't afraid that he didn't love me, but more what that love could lead
us to.  Lead him to.

	I was left alone for a couple of minutes, and then I heard the door open
behind me.  "Hey.  You and I are going to talk for a minute."  JC's voice
said from behind me.  It wasn't a request.

	"Funny, that seems to be the one thing that I can't do at the moment," I
answered him with a sigh as I leaned against the railing and looked out over
the city.  "Why can't I just talk to him?  All I can come up with are these
old sayings and quotations that my mother taught me.

	He didn't say anything, waiting for me to continue.

	"I guess it all boils down to the fact that I'm scared, JC.  It's like I
can't put my thoughts into words of my own, and that's scaring me even more.
  I'm a writer, dammit.  Words are supposed to be my thing."

	JC's hand came to rest on my back as he joined me at the railing.  "If you
can't put your feelings into words, there's probably a good reason for it,
Nate.  Maybe you're just not ready to do it yet."

	"But that's just it.  My words are capturing my feelings, but they're not
*my* words.  I don't like not having words of my own.  I spent a lot of my
life without a voice, and I don't like it."  A sudden image of my father
passing me in the hall without so much as a nod came to my mind, but I
clenched my hands into fists and pushed it away.  Both of my parents were
occupying way too much of my mind recently.

	"Is all of this about that reporter?"

	"Yes and no, I guess.  That just sort of topped everything off.  Remember
that stuff we sort of talked about this morning?  The stuff that was bugging
Brian last night?"

	"Yeah."

	"Well, it's been bothering me too.  I mean, he's right.  This is really
tough, and it's torture on him to not be able to come out.  With he and I
being together, it's been worse on him.  He wants to tell everyone about me,
and that he's in love.  On top of that, though he probably wouldn't admit it
out loud, I'm sure he thinks that I don't feel appreciated because he won't
acknowledge what we have to everyone.  Does that make sense?"

	"Sure does.  I felt the same way when Craig and I got together.  Like if I
didn't tell everyone and come out of the closet, he would think that I was
ashamed of him or something.  Not to mention the fact that there I was with
a wonderful man, and I couldn't talk about it.  It certainly was torturous
for a while."

	"And how did you get past it?"

	JC chuckled.  "We *talked* about it, Nate.  We sat down and talked about
the relationship, and how much we loved each other. He assured me that he
loved me and didn't resent me for not coming out and shouting my love for
him from the rooftops, and I assured him about how much I wanted to do just
that."

	"I guess that's out of the question for now.  I just can't seem to get to
the point where I can talk about it."

	"Nate?"

	"What?"

	"We're talking about it right now."  When I realised that he was right, I
had to smile.  JC was in the same position as Brian was, and yet he *wasn't*
Brian.  That seemed to make all the difference.  Seeing my smile, JC started
to laugh.  "I guess you're not as much of a lost cause as you thought, huh?"

	"I might be able to speak, but I'm just as lost as before," I sighed.
"Especially now, with this reporter and everything..."

	"It doesn't change anything, does it?  There's nothing that any of us can
do about her now.  We just have to try and make sure that we're a bit more
careful, and deal with whatever happens."

	"It might not exactly change anything, but it certainly casts things into a
whole new light.  I always knew that there was a chance that this could
happen, but actually being faced with it is a whole different thing."  I was
silent for a second, bracing myself for what I was about to say.  "I just
have to wonder sometimes if it's worth it for him.  Being in a relationship
with me, I mean.  It just complicates things so much more.  Especially for
him.  He's pretty used to hiding the fact that he's gay.  Hell, we've all
had to do it.  But being gay and in a relationship weighs a lot more heavily
on him.  Sometimes I can't help but feel like he might be better off without
me."

	"Nate, Craig asked me that shortly before he asked me to marry him," JC
said, his voice cracking a little with the memory.  "He asked me if it was
worth it, having to go through everything that we did just to be together
without anyone knowing about it.  I'll tell you exactly what I told him.
It's fitting, I guess, since it's an expression that *my* mother taught me
when I was little.  She said `On earth there is no heaven, but there are
pieces of it.'"

	He turned me around so that I could look inside and see Brian talking with
Kevin, Kathy and Matt.  "You're one of those pieces for Brian, and he's one
for you.  That's obvious to anyone who sees and talks to the two of you.
That connection is more than worth it, Nate.  Never doubt that.  I knew it
with Craig, and I know it with Matt.  No matter what happens, it's worth the
risk."

	"I love him so much, JC," I whispered, watching Brian.  "It breaks my heart
to think about how much his being with me could cost him and the rest of the
guys.  I don't ever want to hurt him."

	"I know you don't.  So does he, and so do the rest of the guys.  But
there's nothing here that's your fault, and nothing that you can do right
now.  It was never in your hands.  You didn't mess up anything.  Life
happened, and now you have to deal with it.  Try not to beat yourself up
over something that you have no control over, and don't punish Brian by
making him worry about this on top of everything else."

	I sighed and turned back around.  "I'm being such an ass, aren't I?"

	"Yeah," he laughed.  "But you've got good reasons to be.  You're scared and
you're worried.  That's enough to make an ass out of anyone.  But I think
we'd all appreciate it if you'd stop."

	I smiled and glanced over at him.  "Thanks, JC."

	"No problem.  Now I'm going to go back inside before they think we're
carrying on some sort of affair.  You coming?"

	"In a few minutes."

	"Okay."  His hand fell to my back again, giving it a reassuring rub.  "One
other thing?"

	"What's that?"

	"Something else my mom told me.  After I went to her with a lot of the same
stuff that you're thinking about right now.  `A ship in harbour is safe, but
that is not what ships are built for.'" He left me with that, turning around
and going back inside while I thought it over.

	I spent the next ten minutes or so thinking about what JC had said.  I was
just about to go back into the room when I heard the door slide open behind
me again, and I knew who it would be.

	"I scare you?"

	I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to figure out which treacherous part
of my mind had come up with that and actually gotten me to speak it out
loud, then opened them again as he settled against the railing.  "I didn't
mean it the way it sounded."

	"Then what did you mean?"

	"I just meant... I mean... All I wanted to say was..."  I stammered, trying
to get the exact words to come to mind to let him know what was going on in
my head.  It was definitely time to let him back in.

	Brian leaned over, turned my head and gave me a kiss, resting his forehead
against mine.  "What did you mean?" he asked softly, looking into my eyes.

	"I love you."

	"I suppose you're not the first person to confuse the word 'scare' with
'love'."

	I smiled despite myself.  "Two separate things.  I just wanted you to know
that I love you."

	"I know.  And I love you."

	Nodding, I looked away from him and out over the city again.  "I know you
do.  But is that enough?  I mean, after what's happened today, and all the
crap that we have to go through just to be together, is love enough?"

	"Sure it is.  Love is everything.  Is that what's been getting to you?"

	I shrugged.  "Part of it.  Remember, after we first spent the night
together, when I told you how scared I was that I might not be able to give
you what you needed from a relationship, since I'd never been in one?"  I
was jumping up and down in my head, seemingly having found the right door to
open to allow me to talk this out with him.

	"Of course I remember.  And I remember that I told you that you were
already giving me what I needed.  You haven't stopped since, either, if
that's what you're worried about."

	"Partly.  I'm still scared that I can't pull all of this off, and that I
can't live up to my own expectations about our relationship.  But, after the
last couple of days, there's more to it.  Not only am I worried about not
giving you what you need, but now I'm worried that I might actually wind up
taking away a lot from you, too.

	"When she put those pictures on the table this afternoon, I was watching
your face, and I didn't like what I saw there.  You looked like I would
imagine a death-row inmate looks like as he starts the long walk.  And I
realised that if things went badly, it was my fault.  I would be taking away
something that you loved simply because I was with you.  I don't want to do
that."

	"Nate..."

	"It's more than you, though, Brian.  If she had published that story, it
would have been hell on the rest of the guys, too.  I'd be hurting you and
them."

	"She's not going to publish it."

	"Not because of anything that we did to stop her.  There *isn't* anything
that we could do to stop her.  The only reason we're safe is that she
happened to have an attack of conscience before she could put it together."

	"Sweetie, we can't worry about why she's not going to do it.  We just have
to be glad that she's not.  And I don't see why you're taking all of this on
yourself.  You're not forcing me to be with you, you're not forcing the guys
to keep the secret, and you're certainly not responsible for a reporter
hiding in the bushes."

	"But if I weren't with you..."

	"Then I'd be miserable."

	I sighed.  "It's more than that.  I mean, today, when she told us about her
brother, and why she wasn't going to go ahead with the story, you know what
I thought?  I was actually happy that he had killed himself for a second.
That's so screwed up that I don't even know where to begin.  I've been
there, and my first thought was relief that he had been more successful than
I was because it meant that we were safe."  I wiped at my eyes before the
moisture could form a proper tear.  "How could I be happy about something
like that?"

	"You were upset, Nate.  Even you can't account for everything that your
brain sends up, and you've got more control than just about anyone else I
know.  You were upset, and relieved, and probably feeling more than a little
guilty for still being alive when her brother wasn't.

	"Not to mention all of the other stuff going on in your head today.  You
have Carrie and her boss pushing you on the book all of a sudden, you added
to that with your trip today with Matt.  Not only did you have to deal with
the fact that Matt might be worse than he thought, and he has to start
treatment right away, but you had to deal with it on top of your being
terrified of the whole idea of the trip in the first place.  With that and
the rest of the stuff you've been worrying about, this business with Ms.
Neale was the straw that broke the camel's back.  I think you managed to
hold up pretty well, considering."

	"That doesn't make it right."

	"No, it doesn't.  But it means that you shouldn't be beating yourself up
over it like you are.  We both know that you didn't mean it, and that if
there was something that you could do to bring him back, you would.  But
there isn't, and you have to let it go.  And you've got to let this thing
with her go, too.  There's nothing that we can do about her now except agree
and hope that she keeps her end of the bargain.  And while you're right
about not being able to live on hope, but sometimes it's all that we've
got."

	I knew that he was more upset than he was letting on, but that he was
trying to be strong for my sake.  "That's pretty much what JC said."

	"Well, I guess he's smarter than he looks," Brian chuckled, making me
smile.  "We're going to have to be more careful in public, but this doesn't
really change anything for us.  I love you, and you love me, and when we're
alone, we can just be a couple.  When we're not alone, we can be friends.
I'd settle for being your friend any day, just as long as you're there.  And
as long as you're talking to me and not moping around the house like you
were today.

	"Remember what you told me after we got back from my mother's house in
Lexington?  You said that there wasn't a whole lot that we could do until
something happened.  You wanted me to try and take my mind off of it and not
worry about what might happen."

	"That was different.  Your mom wasn't going to be walking around stalking
us and trying to break us up.  Now I'm going to be looking at every
stranger, and watching every bush wondering if there's someone taking our
picture.  And I'm sorry, but that really pisses me off, and worries me, and
scares me."

	Brian sighed.  "Don't be sorry.  It pisses me off too.  But we're not going
to be able to hide inside forever.  We've just got to be careful."

	"I'm sorry about everything today."

	"I told you not to be sorry," he smiled, then became serious again.  "How
come you didn't mention any of this last night, when I was pouring my heart
out to you about what was bothering me?  It's obviously been on your mind,
too."

	"I didn't want to worry you more."

	"Good job," he laughed.  "I've been worried all afternoon about you."

	"I said I was sorry," I smiled.  "Now you're just trying to make me feel
guilty."

	"Is it working?"

	"Of course it is."

	"Good.  Now, are you okay, or do I have to smack you around a little bit?"

	"I'm better.  Much better," I conceded, then smiled.  "But I think maybe we
should leave the rough stuff for another night."

	"Ooh, I like the sound of that.  You wanna go inside now?"

	"Sure."  Brian took my hand and started to lead me back inside.  We got
halfway to the door before I pulled him to a stop.  "Brian?"

	"What is it, sweetie?" he turned to face me.

	"Just one more question.  Is it worth it?  All of this, I mean.  Is *us*
worth going through all of this for you?"

	He cocked his head to the side a bit, and then smiled.  "Of course it is.
You're worth everything to me."

	"Really?"

	Brian pulled me against him and kissed me.  It wasn't so much one long kiss
as a bunch of smaller ones, but it was definitely welcome.  When we were
done, he pulled away again and took my hand.  "Yes, really.  But now I have
to ask you the same thing.  Is having to go through the hassle of being with
a famous closet-case like me worth it for you?"

	"I love you, closet and all."

	We shared another kiss - this time one long one - and he pulled me the rest
of the way to the door and slid it open, then led me inside, where everyone
was sitting.  They looked up as we entered, each of them questioning us
silently.

	"Stop gawking," Brian laughed, dropping into a chair and pulling me down
with him.

	I smiled a little sheepishly.  "Sorry, everyone."

	"You better?" Kevin asked.  He was sitting on the couch with Matt and JC.
Kathy was in the chair across from Brian and I.

	I turned and looked at Brian for a minute, both of us smiling slightly, and
nodded.  "Much."

	"Good."

	"Very good," Brian whispered, his arms tightening around me.

	"My boy actually helped?" Matt asked with a smile, putting his arm around
JC's shoulders and giving him a proud look.

	"Your boy actually helped a lot," I told him, then smiled at JC.  "He gave
me just the right kick in the ass."

	"All I did was nudge you," JC said modestly.

	"Doesn't matter now," Brian decided.  He turned my head to look at him.
"All cards on the table?"

	"You've seen everything I've got," I smiled.

	"I just bet he has," Kathy laughed.

	Brian started to laugh just before our lips could touch, and he wound up
kissing the corner of my mouth instead.  Moving his lips to my ear, he
whispered.  "I like what I've seen, too."

	I blushed and smacked his shoulder.  "You be quiet or you won't be seeing
anything for a while."

	"Like you'd be able to follow through on that," Kathy grinned.  "He'll have
you stripped down the moment you're through the bedroom door."

	"Guilty as charged," Brian smirked.  "As a matter of fact..." He brought
his hand around and stroked a finger down the back of my ear, causing me to
instinctively tilt my head into his hand.  As he had intended, that left the
side of my neck closest to him extended and unprotected, and his lips were
there almost instantly.

	"Ooh," I smiled.  "You know what I really want?"

	There were mixed chuckles around the room.  "What do you really want,
sweetie?"

	"I would absolutely love..."

	He trailed kisses up my jaw to my ear.  "What?"

	"Food," I smiled.

	Brian laughed put his head against my shoulder.  "Now you're hungry?"

	"I think I just found my appetite again."

	"What do you want to eat?"

	"Remembering that there's others in the room while you formulate your
response," Kathy laughed.

	I smiled at her and rested my head against the top of Brian's.  "Total
junkfood.  I don't want nothing healthy."

	"Don't want nothing?" JC mimicked.  "I thought you were supposed to have a
better command of the rules of grammar than that."

	"Knowing the rules doesn't mean that I have to follow them.  And I ain't
got no reason to follow them at the moment," I laughed.  "Now what do we
have to do to get some junk food around here?"

	"I don't think they have junk food on the menu," Kevin smiled.  "They've
got desserts.  Will that do?"

	"I guess, but I was thinking more along the lines of chips and other
assorted fried snacky things."

	Kevin was looking through the room service menu, and shaking his head.
"Hate to disappoint you, but there's nothing like that.  A whole lot of
stuff with ice cream, though.  How about that?"

	"Still too healthy," I smiled.  "I've just got a craving for something
like..."

	"Cheetos," Kathy finished for me with a grin.  "I would love some Cheetos."

	"Ooh, and pork rinds," Kevin added, getting into the spirit.

	"Slim Jims," JC smiled.  "I'd kill for a Slim Jim."

	"We just ate!" Matt laughed.  "How can you all be hungry?"

	I sat back, leaning against Brian a little, and enjoyed the trend I had
started.  There was always room for junk food.  Especially for those who had
just pecked at their dinner.  "Matty, *please* tell me that there's a
convenience store close by."

	"Matty?" he asked with a slight grimace.

	I grinned at him.  "Matthew?"

	"Matt will be just fine, thanks.  And there has to be one close.  We're in
the city.  There should be one every few blocks."

	"Then would one of you non-famous people like to take a walk?"

	"You're not serious," Brian laughed.  "You're really going to go out and
pick up crap when we've got a huge menu right here?"

	Looking at him as though *not* going would be insane, I asked him if
Cheetos were on any of the menus.  When he confirmed for me that they
weren't, I smiled.  "Then I'm totally serious.  We should always give in to
our cravings."

	"Okay, I'll give you that, as long as I get to use the same line later."

	"Enough," Kathy laughed, standing up.  "On your feet, soldier.  We've got
work to do."

	I jumped to my feet after giving Brian a kiss on the cheek.  "You coming,
Matty?"

	He arched his eyebrow at me and shook his head.  "I think I'll wait right
here.  But if you're going to be there anyway, pick me up some Twinkies.
And so help me," he laughed, looking at Kevin and Kathy.  "One smart-ass
remark and I'll throw you off the balcony."

	"Twinkies, Slim Jims, Cheetos, Pork Rinds, and anything else that grabs our
attention.  Any more special requests?"

	"I'd like to request that you two behave yourselves when you're out," Brian
said with a grin.  "Don't you be corrupting my man."

	"If you haven't managed to do it yet, I'm sure I'm no danger," Kathy shot
back.  She grabbed my arm and pulled me toward the door.  "We'll be back."

	"No need to hurry!" Kevin yelled out.  I just had time to give him the
finger before Kathy had us in the hall.


	We hit the lobby and started for the main doors.  I smiled and offered
Kathy my arm, and she laughed as she took it.  We were the perfect couple,
still in our clothes from dinner.  Getting outside, we waved off the man who
wanted to know if we needed the car brought around, and we struck off down
the street.

	I was following blindly, considering that I was totally lost in the city.
Kathy seemed to have some sort of idea where we were going, though.  Her
hand slipped from my arm as we walked, and took my hand.  When I gave her a
questioning look, she smiled.

	"If someone recognises you, it'll give them something to talk about."

	I laughed and nodded, squeezing her hand slightly.  "Not only will I have a
secret boyfriend, and a fake boyfriend, but a surprise girlfriend, too."

	She smiled, then grew a little more serious.  "You're really okay?"

	"Yeah, pretty much."

	"Wanna talk?"

	I shrugged and didn't speak for a minute as we continued to walk.  "I
guess.  Just got a little freaked out.  I'm assuming that they told you what
happened today?"

	"The reporter?  JC and Brian filled me in on it while you were out at the
mall."

	I nodded.  "She was just the last nudge over the line."  We turned a corner
and started in a new direction as I started to outline what had been on my
mind.  It was much easier to lay out now that Brian and I had talked about
it, and I didn't fail to note that I should have talked to him sooner.

	We were within sight of a convenience store by the time I was finished.
"And that's where my mind was when we were at dinner tonight."

	"No wonder you were freaking," Kathy said sympathetically.  Her hand shook
in mine as she shivered.

	"You cold?"

	"Just a little chilly," she said.

	"Here."  I released her hand and took off my jacket, handing it to her.
"It doesn't exactly match with the dress, but it's not half-bad, either."

	Kathy thanked me and took my hand again with a smile.  "So you and Brian
talked everything through, then."

	"Pretty much.  Some of it we'd been over already this week, but some of it
was new stuff.  I tell you, it eased things a lot just hearing him say that
it was worth it."

	"You doubted that it was?"

	"Think about it, Kathy.  He could lose everything because of me.  I know
that he'd choose me over any one thing, but everything?  I can't even
imagine asking him to make that decision, let alone forcing him if we get
caught."

	"Then don't get caught.  Brian's the one with everything to lose.  Don't
get more upset than he is about it."

	I sighed and pulled the door open for her.  "I don't work like that,
unfortunately.  But enough of that.  We're here on serious snacking
business."

	"I just thought of something.  What if they don't like people bringing food
up to their rooms.  Like being at the movies or something?"

	I hadn't thought of that.  With the room service and several restaurants in
the hotel itself, it was entirely possible that they would frown upon our
smuggling in outside snacks.  Looking around, I spotted a display beside the
cash and smiled.

	"We'll get a couple of those," I said, pointing to the stack of canvas
bags.  They were there so that you could buy one and reuse it rather than
having the plastic bags every time.  "It'll be a little classier than the
rustle of shopping bags.  And if they still find out, you kick their ass,
and I'll save the junkfood."

	"My hero," Kathy said sardonically.  "Now, let's get the food.  We'll deal
with that when we get back to the hotel."  We both picked up a wire basket
from the stack inside the door, and headed for the chips aisle.  "Oh, orange
dye #12," Kathy laughed, grabbing a big bag of Cheetos and putting it in her
basket.  She stopped to think for a second, and then added another bag.

	I arched my eyebrows and smiled.

	"What's left we can eat on the road tomorrow," she said.

	I considered it, and decided that it was acceptable.  I took down two bags
of pork rinds, and added two bags of Doritos, just to be safe.  Satisfied
with that aisle, we hit the candy/cake section next and each grabbed a
handful of Twinkies.  The ones with the pink coconut.  I laughed, thinking
about Matt's reaction.

	The Slim Jims were at the cash register, so that's where we headed next.
On the way, I caught site of the candy, and added a handful of gum and
licorice for good measure.

	We dumped the stuff on the counter and tried not to laugh at the expression
on the clerk's face as he rang it up.  We added three of the canvas bags,
and were soon all packed up and ready to head back.  The candy, Slim Jims
and Twinkies were in one bag, which Kathy was carrying, and the chips were
in the other two.  I had both of them in one hand.

	We stepped out of the store, Kathy once more taking my hand, just in time
to run into an older woman on her way into the store.  Seeing us, she
smiled.  "My, what a cute couple."

	"Thanks," Kathy beamed, and I caught the glint in her eye right before she
told the woman that we had just gotten married the day before.

	The woman smiled and congratulated us, which only egged Kathy on more.  She
started telling the woman how in love we were, and how beautiful the wedding
was.  I would have thought that the woman would have just wanted to get
inside, but she seemed genuinely interested.  Southern hospitality, I
suppose.

	"It was magical, wasn't it, honey?" Kathy said, kissing my cheek.  She was
enjoying the surprise on my face.

	I decided that two could play at that game.  "Well, sweetie.  It was pretty
nice, but I think 'magical' went out the window when you slept with my
brother at the reception."  I feigned sadness and stepped away from her.
"I'm going back to the hotel.  It was nice to have met you, ma'am," I said,
keeping the smile off of my face until I was past her.  I was halfway across
the parking lot when I heard Kathy apologise to the woman, and then she was
calling after me.

	"Honey!  You said you wouldn't bring that up again!  I told you, it was
dark in there.  I thought it was you!"

	We were both laughing by the time she caught up to me, and slipped her hand
into mine again.  I risked a glance back over my shoulder and saw that the
woman was still looking after us.

	"That was fun," Kathy laughed.

	I nodded with a grin.  "It'll give her something to talk about with her
bridge club.  And you should be ashamed of yourself for sleeping with your
husband's brother."

	"You have no idea how close I was to yelling out that I had caught you
sleeping with him, too."

	I broke out laughing and shook my head.  "Now *that* would have made it
interesting."

	We walked a little way without speaking, and then I grew serious again.
"Matt was pretty pissed at me today, eh?"

	"You noticed?"

	"Yeah, I noticed.  At the mall today, he was a little harsh.  Of course, I
was in no mood for it, and I was pissy back.  He backed off, but I had the
feeling that he wanted to bitch me out.  And at dinner.  I'm pretty sure
some of that release he got from bitching the steward out was from being
frustrated at me."

	Kathy nodded with a slight smile.  "You almost got it when we first got to
the hotel.  You were so distant, and it was really getting to him.  He does
the same thing - has been doing the same thing - but that doesn't mean that
he likes to see it in others.  And it bothered him to see you letting that
get to you, considering what he's facing."

	I sighed.  "That's how I've always dealt with things that bother me,
though.  I don't like to talk about them until they're straight in my head."

	"Well, that's fine.  When you're just you on your own.  But you're with
Brian now, and what bothers you bothers him.  What's worse is that it
bothers you even more to know that it bothers him, and it bothers him even
more to know that you won't talk about it.  You just create a huge circle."

	I nodded with a rueful smile.  "I know that you're right, but when I'm
actually in the middle of something, it just doesn't work that way."

	"Might I suggest that you make it work that way?  You really had Brian
freaked out today."

	"Well, I was pretty freaked out myself."

	She squeezed my hand.  "I know you were.  So do they.  Just don't let it
happen again, or we're all going to kick your ass for you.  Sulky just isn't
your best look."

	"I do 'pouty' much better," I smiled, extending my lower lip.

	"You keep any lip tricks for Brian, my dear," she laughed.  "Now let's get
back.  They *can't* be having any fun without the two of us there."

	I smiled again.  "It should really be a crime to be deprived of the both of
us at once."


	Kathy pulled me to a stop just up the street from the hotel, handed me the
bag she was carrying, and then removed my jacket.  Folding it over, she
slipped it through the handles of the two bags that I had in one hand,
covering the tops of the chip bags.  The bag she was carrying concealed
everything inside quite nicely, so there was no need to worry about it.

	We still got stopped by the food cops.

	Actually, it was some sort of steward, and he stopped us just as we reached
the elevator.  I wondered maybe if he was a friend of the one Matt had
pissed off earlier.

	"Excuse me, but we don't allow you to bring food in from outside the hotel.
  I'm sorry."

	I gave Kathy a quick glance, and saw her smile.  "Are you actually thinking
that you're going to confiscate it?"

	"Well, ma'am, I'm afraid we can't allow you to take it to your room."

	"I'd like to speak to the manager, then," Kathy said, continuing to smile.
"You see, I'm here with some pretty important people, and I doubt that the
management would want this to get blown out of proportion."

	"Ma'am..."

	I knew that it was irritating Kathy even more to be called ma'am.  But she
smiled through it.  "We're not moving until you get the manager out here.
But, if you want a big scene, we'll be happy to oblige."  She took a deep
breath, apparently getting ready to make some noise.  Before she could make
a peep, the steward had given in and was rushing off to find the manager.

	Once his back was turned, Kathy reached out and pushed the button for the
elevator.  When the doors opened, she grabbed my arm and pulled me inside,
finally starting to laugh.

	I waited until the doors were closed again and we had started to rise
before I joined her.  "The look on his face when you were going to scream
was priceless!"

	"It pays to be a bitch sometimes," Kathy grinned.

	"They'll likely come after us, you know."

	She waved the suggestion away and continued to grin.  "What are they going
to do?  We've got three famous boy-band members, one best-selling author,
and a millionaire Memphis native up here.	Like they're going to kick us out
for smuggling in a Twinkie."

	We were still laughing when we got back to the room, and everyone looked up
at us, trying to figure out what it was that we found so funny.

	"You two have fun?" Brian smiled as I dropped onto the floor in front of
his chair and put my head against his knee.  His hand dropped down and
stroked the side of my head.

	"Yeah.  We did a little bonding, and we freaked out a couple of people
along the way," I laughed.  "And then we almost got busted downstairs for
illegal possession of outside foodstuffs."

	"What?"  Kevin looked from me to Kathy.  The expression on his face made it
clear that he wasn't really holding out much hope for a clearer explanation
from her.  But, she surprised him.

	"When we got back, there was a guy in the lobby who was trying to give us a
hard time for bringing food into the hotel."

	"I see you got past him," Brian smiled, indicating the bags that we had put
on the coffee table.

	I laughed and nodded.  "Kathy forced him to get the manager, and then we
made a run for it.  So, you might be getting a call about your rowdy guests,
Kev."

	"Great.  I would have expected something like this from Kathy, but you're
supposed to be half-ways normal, Nate," Kevin laughed, getting a punch from
Kathy.

	"I was having a nice chat with a woman at the store, and writer-boy here
decided to elaborate.  We wound up leaving her shocked in the parking lot."

	"Hey!" I protested, putting on a shocked expression.  "You're the one that
told her we were newlyweds!"

	"Excuse me?" Brian asked, sitting forward.

	Kathy grinned and explained about the woman.  "And then your boyfriend
decided to tell her that I had slept with his brother at the wedding, and
stormed off.  That woman's probably still trying to figure it all out."

	Brian laughed and patted me on the head.  "Nice move.  Make Kathy look like
a whore in her own hometown."  While we laughed, I started unloading the
shopping bags.
	"What happened to Matt and JC?"

	"Alone time," Brian said with a smile.  I nodded, understanding the need.

	"Think you got enough?" Kevin asked, looking at the six bags of chips that
I piled on the table in a little pyramid.

	"I think so.  But we could go back if you like," I smiled.  I picked up the
third bag and upended it over the table, letting the gum, licorice, Slim
Jims, and Twinkies fall out.  "We figured that what we didn't eat tonight we
can take along tomorrow for the drive."

	Kathy grinned.  "Justin's going to love us if we pile all this stuff in
front of him."

	"Then I guess Justin's going to love us," I laughed, then looked at Brian.
"Justin's coming?"

	"Sure is, sweetie."

	"No Lance?"

	He flicked me in the forehead, then joined me on the floor.  "No Lance."

	"We could give him a call," Kathy offered from her seat beside Kevin.  "See
if he'd like to come along, too."

	"That's quite alright," Brian told him with a grin.  "It's hard enough
keeping Nate from jumping these three all week three.  It's worse with
Justin coming.  I don't need yet another cute boy for him to be going
after."

	Kathy reached out and snagged a bag of Cheetos.  "Besides, with Justin
coming, there's already going to be *way* too much testosterone.  Not that
there isn't already."

	"Everyone with a problem with the testosterone level, raise a hand," Kevin
said, looking around.  Kathy was the only ones raising a hand.  "Okay.  All
those who think that the estrogen level is too high already?"

	Everyone but Kathy.  She huffed and opened the bag, sitting back in her
chair with a smile that promised revenge on all of us at some point.




	"So what's the plan for tomorrow?" Kevin asked.  He had finally given up on
the pork rinds and traded them for the Doritos from Brian and I.  We had
stolen the Cheetos, so Kathy was contenting herself with the licorice.  Even
with his objections to the snack run, Brian seemed to be enjoying the
results.

	I was laying down on the floor, and he was laying perpendicular to me, with
his head on my chest.  He was turned on his side, facing my stomach, so all
I could really see of him was his backside.  It was a nice view.  We had all
gone and changed into casual clothes again so that we were comfortable.  My
shirt had mysteriously wound up bunched under my arms.

	"Well, Matt was thinking that we'd have breakfast here," Kathy said.  "And
then back to the house to pack a bit more, and to pick up Justin.  Then
we're off to the girl's school.  Should be a five- or six-hour drive,
depending on traffic."

	I smiled.  "Now is that a five or six hour drive for a normal person, or a
five or six hour drive at the speed Matt goes?"  My answer was a pork rind
to the head.  "Hey!  I was just thinking that, since he travels at the speed
of light... Brian, that had better not be a Cheeto in my belly button."

	Brian chuckled, but didn't answer.  Kathy and Kevin sat up to see, and
started to laugh.  I lifted my head, trying to see over his, and saw a
little orange tower sticking out of my stomach.  Flicking him in the back of
the head, I dropped my head again.  "Get it out of there."

	"Bet that's the first time Brian's heard Nate say that," Kathy said,
getting the three of them laughing.  I shook my head in dismay as I blushed.

	Brian had other ideas.  He rolled over onto his stomach and started to eat
the Cheeto, taking little bites while glancing up at me and smiling.  He
worked at it until he had managed to work down to skin level, and then with
a final smirk at me, he closed his lips over my navel and used his tongue to
dig the rest out.

	The little bastard had known exactly what he was doing, of course.  I
closed my eyes at the feeling of him at my stomach, and my expression must
have changed, because they both laughed again.  "Well, looks like he hit
upon something there," Kathy said.

	Brian laughed and rolled over again, nodding as his head came to rest on my
chest once more.  I flicked him in the temple as I smiled, then forced him
to raise his head while I pulled my shirt back down and ignored his
protests.  The instant his head returned to my chest, his hand was under the
shirt anyway.

	"When's Justin getting here?" Kevin asked Kathy, who shrugged.

	"Sometime mid- to late-morning.  JC said he wasn't really sure.  If he's
there before we are, he'll just have to wait.  I fully plan on sleeping in a
bit."

	"How tired are we going to be?" Brian asked, looking up at me, his finger
slipping into my navel and poking me.

	I smiled and pulled my stomach in away from his hand.  "I don't know.  I
guess that depends on when we go to bed."

	Throwing his arms out, he yawned dramatically, then smiled at me.

	"That was convincing, pookie."  I rolled my eyes and turned my head away,
seeing Kathy smiling at us.

	Brian spun around so that he was lying next to me.  "I didn't realise that
I needed to put much work into convincing you to go to bed with me."

	"Well sometimes it's nice to be wooed, you know."

	He put his lips to the hollow of my neck and began to kiss his way to the
back of my ear.  "How's this?"

	"I've had better wooing."

	He laughed and shifted so that he was more on top of me than beside me, and
be began to pinch my sides under my shirt.  "Nobody does it better," he
whispered, directly into my ear, then bit my earlobe.  I was about to roll
to the side and dump him on the floor when I felt his hands come together
and undo my pants.

	"Brian..."  He didn't miss a beat as he unzipped them as well.  I checked
my movement to dump him off me, since that would expose his handiwork to the
rest of the room.  "Brian, do them back up," I said lowly, listening to him
giggle.

	"What's going on, you two?" Kevin asked, seeing Brian's back shaking while
he laughed.

	"Nothing," Brian answered him, then jumped to his feet and took off
running.  "G'night everyone."

	"Brian!"  He slammed the bedroom door behind him, leaving me with my pants
spread open and everyone staring at me.

	"Pssst!  Nate!" Kathy mock-whispered with a grin.  "Your fly is down!"

	"Thanks," I muttered, laying back down to re-button my pants, and then
getting to my feet.  "If you'll excuse me, I have to throw Brian out the
window."

	"Have fun," Kevin laughed.  "We'll try and ignore any screams."

	"From you or him," Kathy added.

	"Ha ha, hate you both," I said dryly, heading for the bedroom.

	"Goodnight to you, too," Kevin called after me.



	"You're dead meat," I said, closing the door behind me.  Looking around, I
noticed a giggling lump on the bed.  Right at the end of the trail of
discarded clothing.

	Turning back to the door, I opened it.  "Anyone want one slightly used
boyband member?  He's real cheap."

	"Am one, thanks" Kevin said.

	"Had one.  Wasn't all that impressed," Kathy laughed, earning herself a
glare from Kevin.

	"Alright, but the offer's on the table until further notice," I smiled.
"Just let me know.  Maybe Matt and I can workout an exchange program or
something."

	"Yeah, like he wants the little freak."

	I laughed and closed the door again.

	"That wasn't very nice," I muffled voice came from the bed.

	"Oh, and leaving me unzipped in front of others is the height of good
manners?" I slipped out of my clothes without turning around.  "You deserve
whatever you get."

	"That's true.  So why don't you come and get me?"

	I turned around with a smile and found a nose and a pair of eyes peeping
out of the bottom of the blankets.  "Hey!  No fair peeking.  You get the
glory that is me to look at, and all I get is that freakish nose of yours."

	"I have a cute nose."

	"Yes, you do.  But don't get me started on those nostrils."

	He laughed and shifted under the blanket, his entire head coming into view.
  "You know what they say about guys with big nostrils."

	"Easy to lose a finger up there?"

	"Ew.  Enough of that.  Are you ever going to come to bed?"

	"I don't know.  So far, you're not doing much in the way of offering an
incentive.  You've upgraded from huge nostrils to big fat head, but
still..."

	Brian rolled his eyes and pulled the blanket up and over his head, dropping
it onto the floor at the foot of the bed.  "Happy now?"

	"Well, those lovehandles need some work, but you'll do," I laughed, walking
over to the bed.  Brian sat up, then lay back down with his head at the
proper end as I climbed in beside him.

	"I don't have love handles."

	I ran my hands up his sides, watching him smile, then started pinching him.
  "Sure you do.  Right here."  Brian laughed and rolled around, trying to
get away, but I had him pinned to the mattress.

	I eventually rolled off of him, wondering if the others had heard us
laughing, and landed on my back.  Brian rolled over as well, winding up on
his side with his head on my shoulder and his arm thrown across my body.

	"Can I ask you something?"

	I looked down and found him looking back.  "Sure, pookie."

	"Tonight, at dinner, when you told Matt that he reminded you of your
father.  That wasn't in a good way at all, was it?"

	I shook my head.  "No.  Father used to confront people like that a lot.  It
was as close to a game as he usually got. No matter what they did, he would
argue it just to be difficult.  I always wondered how he could do that,
considering that he grew up pretty much dirt-poor."

	"But Matt's not like that."

	"I know he's not.  He had reason to go at that guy.  Maybe not as
aggressively as he did, but still he had reason."

	"You knew all of that stuff, didn't you?  All of the stuff that Matt was
complaining about.  I heard you whispering to yourself."

	I shrugged.  "Some of it."

	"But you told me that night in Santa Fe that you didn't know much about
wines and stuff like that."

	"I don't, really," I explained, running my finger down his back.  "I
wouldn't have had much of an idea what to order or anything, like Matt did.
Erron's the wine guy in the group.  But I know a bit about the etiquette
involved in the process.  My parents died before I was legal to drink, so
they didn't get a chance to pass that on.  But, after a few hundred
self-important displays from your father, you pick up on a few things."

	"You keep surprising me, sweetie."

	"Why's that?" I asked, confused.  I didn't think I constituted much of an
enigma.

	Brian smiled and snuggled in closer, his leg working it's way between mine
so we were tied together from the waist down.  "You keep *knowing* things
that I wouldn't expect.  But there's a whole innocense there, too.  One
second, you seem a whole lot older than you are, and the next there's this
adorable little boy quality.  I envy that, sometimes."

	"Don't," I told him, thinking about where that dichotomy had come from and
how it had developed.  "Don't envy it.  The ends don't justify the means."

	"But it's the good that's come out of it all.  If you don't take that from
it, what else is there?"

	"Just a small man who spends a lot of his time being scared and trying not
to show it, Brian.  That's the little boy you see.  The one who's trying
desperately to be liked.  The adult you mentioned is the part that doesn't
give a damn."

	"Sometimes, that's a good part to have."

	"Yeah," I conceded, "it is.  But the two parts tend to conflict.  They
scare each other."

	"Well, I love them both."

	"You didn't love either one of them today."

	"Which one was it today?"

	"Both of them, by times.  The older one was the quieter half.  The younger
was the angry half."

	"Doesn't really matter.  They both pissed me off, but I still love them.
How could I not?  They make you you."

	"Last thing on this subject, please?  They both love you, too.  More than
anything."

	Brian nodded and ran his hand lightly across my stomach.  "Okay, no more.
But if we're not going to talk, what exactly *are* we going to do?"

	I smiled and reached up to brush his hair away from his forehead.  "I don't
know, pookie.  You wanna play Scrabble?"

	Brian laughed.  "I don't think so.  You seem like the kind of guy who would
hog all of the 'u's so that I get stuck with the 'q' that I can't use."

	"Of course," I smiled.  "You Americans don't appreciate the 'u' anyway.
Dropping it out of its rightful place in words like 'colour', 'honour', and
'labour'.  Besides, you should be happy to have the 'q'.  You get to make
some of your favourite words."

	"And they would be?" he asked, giving me a careful look.

	"'Queer', 'queen'..." I rhymed off with a smile.

	He laughed and put his finger to my lips to silence me.  "How about
'quiet'?"  Reaching up, he turned my face down to his and kissed me.

	"'Quiet' is a good one, too," I whispered with a grin as he slid over on
top of me.

	"Yes, it is.  Now let's see if you can manage to stay quiet."

	As his lips found their way to my neck and his hands started slipping up my
body, I thought that the odds were against it.


To Be Continued...



So there you have it, folks.  I hope it was worth the wait.  But then again,
if it wasn't, it's a bit late now. ;)

Take care, all,

~*D*~