Date: Thu, 17 Jun 1999 20:00:52 EDT From: ZELGADYSS@aol.com Subject: Brian's-7-Sea's-of-Loneliness Ok this is my first time at a story like this, I have read many from the archive and loved them. This is about ME, MY life, and MY fantasies with Brian Littrell and the BackStreet Boys. I am in no way implying anything about the sexuality of the BackStreet boys, and if your not 18 GIT! Enjoy and please send mail to Xaxian@aol.com with god or bad comments on the story. Just remember its my first time, and any resemblance to other stories I am sory it's coincidental and quite on accident. And back by popular demand..ok ok ok ok I lied, three people's demand, here is 3-4 I hope you like it, and remember to e-mail me. Thanx for reading and without further delay, here it is: Brian's 7 Sea's Of Loneliness by: Jon ... Kevin continues beating on the door. "Jonathon, OPEN THIS DOOR, we REALLY need to talk!" The banging was enough to bring me out of my trance and hear the phone to. Not wanting to deal with Kevin, I decided to answer the phone. With a very quiet and shy voice "Hell..Hello?" then I hear Brian's voice come out the receiver, I equally as shy, and quiet. "Jon can we talk..please." "Sure Brian, but alone..I'm in no mood to deal with Kevin right now." With that I went to my bathroom to clean up my face. The few stray tears cleaned up, and I went to my door. Kevin of course still banging away. I opened the door and started walking out. As I did this, Kevin had other idea's, and pushed himself, AND me into my room. I threw his hands off me. "Kindly remove your hands from me, or I will be forced to do it, and you do NOT want to test me!" He quickly saw I was serious, and having the size he figured I could back my words up. Again I started walking out of my room leaving him there. "Jon we HAVE to talk, NOW!" "No Kevin, me and BRIAN need to talk now, you need to remove your rood ass out of my room, and out of my presence, you may be famous, but that does NOT GIVE YOU A RIGHT TO TOUCH ME! PERIOD! I am well aware you can pull out of this and leave. Now mind you that is your choice. Before you do this I wish to remind you that's breech of contract. Also I suggest you throw your weight somewhere else, cause I will NOT take it." With that said, I left my room, and went to Brian's room next door. I knocked twice softly, and he opened up. He opened the door signaling to me I could come in as Kevin stormed to his room, and Nick followed him. ************************************************************************ In Brian's Room ************************************************************************ "Jon I know what you just heard sounded REALLY bad." Looking at him, I knew he had been crying, so I walked to his bathroom and got a warm face cloth wet and wiped his face off. I had known from experience how bad things could be, the fear h must have. The longing, but knowing I could go to the press. "Brian first off, it's OK. I'm not going to tell anyone." His face seemed relieved when I said that. "Also, the feeling ARE mutual Brian. I liked you before, But after the talking we did earlier, I felt a bond with you. A deep bond. You listened so intently, and I mean you just made me feel comfortable. There is a lot you still don't know about me. And" he cut me off quickly almost smiling "We have time o get to know each other...right?" He looked at me, and I knew he wanted to say something. And I also knew it was something on the lines of will you go out with me. "Yes Brian, we have the time." Just as I earlier caught the meaning of his statement, he caught mine as excepting him as a date. His face lit up, and he hugged me. We lingered in the hug for awhile, it felt so nice to just be in another person's arms. So I decided to be brave and kiss him. As I slowly went towards his lips, as if reading my mind, he also moved in for the kiss. Before I knew it, our lips were locked in the most passionate kiss, almost like one on TV, but more real. Soon his lips parted as out tongue's started wrestling in each other's mouth's. I could have melted right then and there. We found our way to the bed still lip-locked and we finally broke the kiss. "Brian, we need to talk. I'm..well...we kind of need to go slow. This is quite new to me, I mean....I knew I was gay, but I have never.." He knew what I was trying to say, and smiled. "You were waiting for love. I understand. If we start going too fast you just let me know." It was all I could do to smile. My mind was in 1000 different directions, and from the look on Brian's face, so was his. But he had a look of fatigue on his face as well. "Brian you look like your about to fall asleep." He looked at me knowing we just had a way of reading each other. "And I thought Kevin was good at reading me. Yes I am, its been a hard day." With that. I pulled his covers back, and let him get comfortable in bed and I tucked him in, kissed him quick on the lips and let him go to sleep. "I'll see you when you get up, just call me." He nodded as he fell asleep. I too was quite tired and went to bed. But before I could lay down, I knew I had to do something about Kevin. ************************************************************************ Kevin's Room While I was with Brian ************************************************************************ Kevin's face was red, and his temperament was booming. He was beyond pissed. "How DARE he speak to me like that! Breech of freaking contract. I was well aware of that WELL before this, he thinks he is such a smart ass, we I'll show him!" Kevin fumed as Nick looked at him and finally spoke. "Kevin, think about this. You PUSHED into his room, WHILE PUSHING him into. You were RUDE, and you were wrong. Also you know Brian as well as I do, and he is falling for this guy. That's a dangerous button to push Kevin because Brian would leave the group for love and you know that. Besides Jon was in the right here. Kev he's a good kid, and I like him too. Not the same way Bri does. He's just got this way about him." With that they heard a knocking on the door. Kevin slowly and irritated, and still madly opened the door to see my figure. "May I come in, I'm not in the habit of barging in rooms." He opened the door and allowed me in, and I saw Nick bursting into tears from laughing. One look for Kev ended that right quick. "OK Kev, I don't think you should shoulder ALL the blame for earlier. Most yes, but I was rude, but I MUST reiterate. You may be famous, and that's all fine and well, but you do not want to get physical with me. I know how to pull my weight, my last job I was a bouncer, and I never applied. Second, I REALLY like Bri, and we ARE going to try a relationship. So rather than have him tell you I am, and if you have ANY objections tell me now. I REFUSE to let you hurt Brian by you telling him. At least if I know I can let him down easy, make it my fault, and you guys go on like nothing happened. Third, I know what A.J. wants, he's been QUITE obvious and no I will not say anything to the press. Yes me and Bri are aware he will meddle with us any way he can. So any objections?" Nicks face was totally happy. He knew he was right earlier, and Kevin saw that as well. Also the fact that someone walked straight up to Kevin and did that, was shocking to him AND Nick. That gave me some credit and respect for them. "It's cool" they both said, since they were astonished at how I just blurted all that out. "Well I will leave you two be as I am quite exhausted." I walked off, got outside and nearly fainted that I did that as I am usually quite shy. I walked to my room, and fell asleep. Brian's 7 Sea's Of Loneliness- Part 4 By: Jon ************************************************************************ In My Dream (all this is true that I say about my past in the story, yes its harsh, but that's my life.) ************************************************************************ I see my mother AGAIN, its been 2 weeks, and she hasn't said a word to me. All she does is cry and go to work. "What's wrong mom?" She just looks at me. "You know what's wrong" she says in hurtful hateful tones. "No mom I don't but I don't care, your moping and looking for sympathy, and now I see it. Well I REFUSE to fuel your self pity!" I looked at her, knowing it was harsh, but also knowing it was a way to get her to talk, but if I knew then what I know now, I would have saved the hurt and dropped it. "Your brother found THIS" as she throws a PlayGirl at me. "Care to explain it?" A look of total fear crossed my face. I had known for awhile I was gay, but I hadn't told her. In fact I hadn't told anyone, so I just looked at her and tried playing stupid after I collected my thoughts. "what are you talking about mom?" "He found it in your drawer!" "So what was he doing in MY drawers, and what about it!" I was scared but I was mad that my privacy was being violated as well. "Your gay aren't you?" The question I had feared was staring me in the eyes. Now grant you my family life was rather harsh..but it was all I had. "Yeah" I say as if it was nothing. She just looked at me and cried more, and left me there. I felt the need to go. To just run as far away as I possible could. So I bolted downstairs to my car, and I peeled out as fast as I could. Tears streamed down my face, I was driving but I didn't know where to. After a few hours of Driving around aimlessly. Then I woke up, ************************************************************************ My Room After Dream ************************************************************************ I shot up in a flash, my body and mind were screaming, my mouth was opened, but nothing came out. That urge to just run and flee was still in my head. Panic and tears racked my face. I bolted. Right to the elevator, I took the stair knowing they were quicker and nick saw my flying down the hall crying, and tried to follow me. That same nice receptionist saw me go by and gave a concerned look to me. Nick got out the elevator a few minutes after I bolted out and he looked at the lady. "Um..cynthia did a man crying go by here?" She looked at him a bit worried "Yes Mr. Carter, he went to the left, and bolted out into the city." He looked at her "Shit!....Ah, thanks for the help." And he too bolted out the way I did. After an hour of running thru Boston, I finally stopped at a bench, no longer able to do this. This is now Twice I have bolted, I can only imagine what people think about me. Nick finally caught up with me, crying on a bench, and called the hotel, telling Cynthia where he was, why he was there, and such. And then he sat next to me. "Jon what's the matter?" All I could do is hug him and cry, my whole body shook, and finally I managed to tell him what spooked me so bad. "It was..a dream, a Really vivid dream of a part of my past I wish I could forget. A past I thought I had forgotten. But being with Brian and happy opened a lot of deep wounds...I need to get a cab home...I can't go back. It hurts to much, and it can only get worst. Tell Brian I am sorry, please Nick. I care, but if this keeps up, I will relive it all again. I'm not sure I will live thru it if I keep having these flashbacks. The fear was so real, what happens if I go back to a point I was suicidal, and what if I don't fall asleep to stop it cause the feelings were in my sleep?" I couldn't take anymore, I cried uncontrollably, as nick pulled a cell phone and called Brian's room, after another 20 minutes of crying, a limo pulled up, and Brian stepped out, saw me crying and got tears in his own eyes. Nick looked up at Brian with pleading eyes as if to say what do I do. So Brian hugged me, And picked me up and I cried on his chest. He took me into the limo and Nick came in and closed the door. Brian told the driver to take us to the hotel. The limo soon stopped and when I realized where we were I went ghost white, and I tried to scream tho nothing came out. Brian handed me some water and I drank it..finally I was able to talk. My voice shaky and scared. "Brian...I...I can't. I'm not going back." I went to open the door and bolt again, and Brian saw this and grabbed me. He hugged me close and cradled me like a little child as Nick told the driver to go, it didn't matter where. Brian's arms made me feel so safe, as I started to calm down, and my face got a bit of color, he looked a me. "Jon you don't have to talk about it, but if you want to, I am here. We're all here for you, especially me. If you tell me maybe I can help you." My eyes welled up in tears again, and I knew I had to tell him, but that fear returned to my face, and he held me tighter. "You don't have to talk about it Jon, it's OK." I looked at him, and then Nick. Nick just nodded and I looked at Brian's face. "Well, I guess it's time I told someone, and let you into a part of my life no one has been in. This is a part of my "shell", My defense I let no one into. But I care for you Brian, and you'll know sooner or later, may the gods help me if you use it to hurt me tho." I was looking into Brian's eyes to get the answer if I should go on, and as I looked at him, and said it, he looked almost hurt. "Jon, I would never.I could never." Nick piped in as well "Jon where like a family here, were not like that." I stared him in the eyes "If your like a family, too me that's not to reassuring, my family would do ANYTHING to hurt me!" "Well this family is not like that." Brian said. So I continued slowly, as he realized what he was in for by what I said. He knew it was about my family, and it was bad. "Well, background. Mom had been crying for at least 3 weeks straight. She wouldn't tell me why, and she had looks of hatred, and spite in her eyes. Finally I said, your just doing this for me to pity you, and no longer do I. So she threw the magazine in my face, I said yeah? She said that my brother found it in my drawers. Now my face went pale and fear was evident, so I played dumb. And I blew up cause that was my space they invaded. Why was he in my drawers I said. Then she asked point blank. Are you gay? I looked at her and said, So? She just left me and went in her room. I just had to leave, and I bolted out the door. When I woke up, the urge to just bolt and cry was still there." Tears again welling up in my eye's. "These are memories I repressed so long ago, Brian, it was so vivid. If the rest of that part of my life pops up, I'm afraid I might do something drastic. He just looked at me, and saw me shaking, and the fear in my eyes, and a tear in his. "Is it because of me this happened Jon?" I knew he was a small part, but it wasn't all him. "I guess you had a small part, you made me truly happy, and I guess my mind saw that as an opportune time to bring this out." Brian just looked at me. "Brian, at first..well.." I looked at Nick, and he knew what I was gonna say and he was ready to help Brian. "Brian here me out..all the way. Before I was going to bolt, and leave, cause I thought you were the reason for the memories." Brian started to cry and I clung to him, I knew he too now wanted to bolt. "You said you'd hear me out! Now I was GOING to. But I realized if I did I'd be giving up on the greatest thing in my life." Brian looked at me, still crying, hugging me back. But he had a smile thru the tears. "I'm can't go back right now Brian. Can I just stay here in your arms? I'm not ready to go back yet." Soon after I feel asleep, and the limo was parked, Nick was dropped off at the Hotell, and we just sat in the limo. ************************************************************************ Back in Kevin' Room After I Left ************************************************************************ "Well Nick, maybe I was wrong about him. If he makes Bri happy who am I to stand in their way. It's going to take time to digest tho. It's been an awful long day, I'm going to hit the hay." Nick just looked at Kevin and smiled "Night Kev." With that he left Kevin's room and went down to the recreation room for a bit While Kevin lied in his bed with his thought. ~~~~ He is kind of cute, and nice. It would figure Brian found him. I mean hell, Brian always picks men up so it shouldn't surprise me. Wait why am I thinking like this. I'm not gay...am I? No I can't be, there's just no way. I'm Kevin, the responsible one. Besides he is with Brian. He's my cousin I could never steal him away...but if they weren't going out then I could...right? NO! I can't be thinking like this, its wrong, he's with Brian and I should just be happy for them. ~~~~ After this revelation, Kevin goes to sleep, but its far from a peaceful one. He tosses and turns, and when he does wake up, he is soaked. His sheets are soaked, and he is pale. He looks quite afraid of whatever was in his dream. He strips out of his clothes and takes a hot shower. Steaming and hot to the point he can barely take it. I'm over that, you like women Kevin, not men, women! ************************************************************************ Back In The Limo ************************************************************************ I slowly awaken out of my drifting state in Brian's lap. He just curled up and kept me warm and safe in his arms. I noticed Nick missing, but I didn't care. "I want to spend the night with you Jon. Like rent a movie, and dinner in my room if that's OK?" I just looked at him and nodded. "I don't want to be alone. I was going to ask if I could share your room. I am afraid what will happen if I have another dream like that. Or a worst one. I have just been alone too much, I needed to be with someone..if you don't mind that is." Brian looked at me and gave me the most angelic smile I have ever seen. "Mind? It would make me the happiest person in the world." With that we headed to Blockbuster's to get a movie. We ended up with Titanic, and we went to his room. It was getting late, as we spent the day in the limo. We got out, Brian tipped the driver quite well, and w went to his room. Stopping at my room Brian grabbed my stuff, and off we went. We ordered room service, and popped the movie in. We called down and left a message to the guy's that we were back and sharing the room. Laying next to him on the bed we watched the movie. More or less in silence. Room service came after the movie was over, actually they came just before. We sat down to a nice dinner, and we made light conversation. But after dinner we laid down we kissed for a little bit, got undressed him to boxers, me to my boxer-briefs and we fell asleep. His arms wrapped around me. I felt safe..But the nightmares kept coming. ************************************************************************ The Dream ************************************************************************ The scene is a Highway. A tall skinny woman, and a 5 year old child in a car. The child just in Kindergarten. The car swerves off the road, it was flying. Doing at least 95 Miles on an off ramp. The child slams his head, and is seen holding his back. The woman is on the steering wheel slumped over. Blood flowing out her eyes and mouth. The child trying desperately to wake his mother. An ambulance takes them both to the hospital. A white cube (this is how I remember it, and I know it sounds strange, but these are my memories) with 2 tables, my mother on 1 surrounded by lots of machines and doctors, and me on the other equally surrounded. I start blurting out information, like my name, her name, our address, phone number, and anything else my little mind could hold..this scene always burned in my mind, and seeing it again startled me again. I felt so cold and shot up. Brian must have noticed it, cause I had a cold cloth on my head, and I felt so cold. I was sweating profusely and he seemed to be watching over me worried. "Are you OK Jon? You started getting really hot, and violently tossing and turning. You were so hot I got some ice water to cool you." ..i just looked up at him, tears in my eyes. "Another dream wasn't it?" I just nodded and he held me close and cradled me as I was on the verge of tears. I explained the dream..and the background that mom had a .15...yes .15 not .015 and she slammed into the barrier. I broke my back and she shattered her heel, lost a few teeth, and did a lot of other damage to herself. I knew little by little I was reliving my life, which was my greatest fear. If Brian wasn't here I know I couldn't endure this. With him there it made it easier. "Brian, I have to warn you things are just starting, I think I am slowly reliving my life, and its going to get ugly..." He looked at me with sympathy. "Then we will do it together Jon, I'm not leaving you, this will just bring us closer." In a very soft voice, I just knew it was time. I had fallen for him. Head over heels, deep in love. "Brian, I don't want to scare you, but I have to tell you this...I, I love you Brian." He looked at me and smiled, 1 tear escaped his eye. "I love you too Jon, but I didn't want to say it and scare you off, I mean we have only known each other for a few days, but I feel so strongly about you." ************************************************************************ Kevin's Room ************************************************************************ Kevin's sleep was also tormented. He had the same nightmare that plagued him many years before. He woke up in a pool of sweat again, and his covers were everywhere. He just looked at himself and grabbed another shower hoping it would help him. Unfortunately, He felt miserable. He had denied how he felt for so many years, that it all just flooded his mind. He sat on his bed, and just cried to himself. Before he Knew it, it was 7:00 and wake up calls wer sent out. He ordered the breakfast and set up the room across the hall, as he prepared for the others, grabbing a cup of coffee, knowing it would be a long day. ************************************************************************ So what's this dream plaguing Kevin?..where has A.J. been in all this? OMG we forgot Howie..or did we? What will happen with Brian and Jon, will he freak out? What happens at the concert that night? Does A.J. make a pass at Jon, or at Brian?...all this and more next issue of Brian's 7 Sea's Of Loneliness (and yes it's an original song I wrote, and you will see the whole song next time too, As well as other Songs I Wrote). Remember E-mail me. More e-mail means better stories. Tell me what you liked, didn't like. Tell me if you hated it and should scrap it and start over. More e-mail I get the quicker the next story will come out cause I will know what you want, Thanx for reading this is Jon, and have a wonderful day and/or night. Keep well, be safe, and Love your fellow Humans. Take what life gives you and do your best, and when someone belittles you, insults you, or tries to feel big by making you feel bad. Walk away. Be the bigger person. And when you succeed it drives them nuts cause try as they might, you're better, and you made something of yourself!