Date: Fri, 25 Jun 1999 14:35:55 EDT
From: Zelgadyss@hotmail.com
Subject: Brian's-Seven-Sea's-of-Loneliness-5-7

OK this is my first time at a story like this, I have read many from the
archive and loved them.  This is about ME, MY life, and MY fantasies with
Brian Littrell and the BackStreet Boys. I am in no way implying anything
about the sexuality of the BackStreet boys, and if your not 18 GIT!  Enjoy
and please send mail to Zelgadyss@hotmail.com with god or bad comments on
the story. Just remember its my first time, and any resemblance to other
stories I am sory it's coincidental and quite on accident.

Well here I am again, I had gone away for the week-end so there is the
delay and I apologize.  Also I just wish to thank all of you who have
written me and told me what you thought of the story. I also want to say if
I have copied anything (no there haven't been any complaints of it) I am
truly sorry and it is not my intentions to plagiarize. Also as harsh as it
seems all the flashbacks are real, and anything that's said as my past in
the story...really IS my past. What's more, you haven't seen nothing
yet. If it seems like I am Dwelling on something too long tell me.  I also
must admit this story is as much for me as you guys. Different reasons, or
maybe the same. I do this to try and help people. If they see what I did in
these situations, just maybe it will help them in a similar one. And just
know that as bad as my past may have seemed, I wouldn't change a single
minute of it. Because I like the person I became, and I wouldn't want to
alter that in any way. Another part of this that's for me is writing is
helping me to deal with the past, and for that I thank you all. Also the
format is being changed slightly for convenience of the archivist, simple
little changes that will save him much time. With that, enjoy the story J.

Brian's 7 Sea's of Loneliness
part 5 by Jon


~~~~ The Previous Morning in A.J and Howie's room ~~~~

"Hey D what's up?" A.J. howled at Howie. "Huh what's going on, what did I miss?" Howie 
says as he gets up. His mind not quite together yet as he adjusts to the daylight and wakes up. 
"Time to get up, today is going be a good day" A.J. said. They start getting up, amazingly 
before the wake-up call, and get showered and ready for the day. "Well now that I am up A.J. 
why are you so chipper this morning?" "Well, today I am going to get Jon to spend the day with 
me, out in th city and show him what fun I can be." Says A.J. and Howie just shoots him a look 
that could freeze a fire. "A.J. be careful it seems he like's Brian and I don't want to see either of 
you hurt in this. Also I don't want to see you and Brian fighting over a guy. Your too good of 
friends to be doing that crap." A.J. just looked at him "I'll be careful, and I'd never let a guy 
come between me and ANYONE in the group. Speaking of which, where's your girl?" "Well 
A.J. you know as well as I do that I have yet to meet one, as depressing as it is."
They left their room to go have breakfast with the other guys. First they see me jet out of my 
room, tears in my eyes and I fly at the elevator. Then they see Nick chasing me. A.J. jumps to 
run after me, and Howie holds him back. "A.J. you know I care for you, and I know you care 
for Jon. But your going to have to let Nick handle it. You haven't the slightest to what just 
happened and who was at fault. In fact you have no clue why he bolted out like that. You may 
cause more problems or hurt that way." A.J. just looked at Howie and saw that he was serious, 
and finally gave in knowing he was probably right in assuming that. Also he didn't want to make 
things harder on me then he had to, knowing that was the best way to try and win me over. To 
show me what he was like and to let me see what he was like. That way I could make the 
choice instead of him and Brian fighting, and he would just leave what choice I would make 
alone.....besides I was choosing him after I got to know him. Or at least that's what his 
mind was telling him. So he just let it be, and then finished walking down the hall to the breakfast 
room. It happened that today it was in Brian's room. Kevin and Brian were enjoying a cup of 
coffee while waiting for the others. "Hey Brian, Hi Kev, what's up" A.J. said. "Yeah hey guys" 
Howie added. "Well we were just waiting for you guys, and now when Nick and Jon get here 
we can eat" Kevin said as he smiled. "Well Kev just dig in then, cause Jon took off and Nick 
went after him. I have no idea what happened but he looked like he was crying and running 
from something...possibly Nick. So I am sure they have to talk and will be awhile." A.J. says 
in a matter of fact way, almost undignified as if he wanted to just say he's gone, let's eat. Brian 
got a look of worry on his face, and Kevin just put an arm on Brian's shoulder. "I'm sure its fine 
Brian. We just have to let them work it out, and find out what happened and what's going on 
after." Brian just nodded to Kevin and hoped for the best.
After about and hour and fifteen minutes the guys were finishing off the food. They were just 
chatting about nothing in particular. Movies, Music..other than their own, plans for the week, 
tomorrow's concert, and other small talk. Then a loud ringing was heard. <ring> <ring> <ring> 
After the third ring Brian grabbed the phone. "Hello" he said into the phone. "Hi Brian" Nick 
said, his voice a bit shaky and worried, thus causing Brian to get a worried look on his face, and 
his voice showed his concern as the guys just looked at him. "What's..what's going on 
Nick...you sound worried.." "Well Brian I'm with Jon, he's crying, and he's been crying 
for awhile and its not good." With that Brian's face lost all color, and he looked about ready to 
pass out. As he listened he could hear my sobbing on the other side, and his heart felt like it was 
about to break. Kevin got up and put his arms around Brian's shoulder's expecting the worst, 
as his cousin was never like this on the phone. Howie and A.J. just looked from each other to 
Brian trying to peace things together. "Brian, you need to get down here alone. The quicker the 
better, were on a bench by City Hall. He may try to bolt off again, but I will try to soothe him till 
you get here Bri. He is hurt really bad right now, so be careful what you say when you get 
here..please." With that they hung up, Brian closed his eyes and a few tears fell. "What's 
wrong Bri?" Kevin said, as if pleading for an answer. "Kev, get the limo ready I have to 
go..alone. It doesn't look good. Jon's been crying for the past half hour, and he is in a bad 
state. I need to go help him. Nick said he may bolt off again and not come back, so he is trying 
to help him there...but he isn't sure what going to happen." With that Brian opened his eyes, 
and hurt was written all over. Almost as if he had felt the pain in my heart. He knew it was bad if 
I wanted to bolt away that bad. A.J. looked at Brian. "I'm coming to Brian." Brian looked at 
him, and A.J. could tell whatever Brian was about to say was very serious, and it was going to 
be final. "A.J. I don't have time to fight, I said it once, I am going alone. That was a statement 
not a question. I'm sorry, but you have to deal with it!" 
Meanwhile while they fight Kevin gets the limo situated, and Brian gets in and drives away. The 
limo starts heading through traffic quite slowly, but finally gets to where it needed to be. And 
back at the Hotel the guys were in Kevin's room.....(Those wishing to reread what 
happened here are invited to re-read part 3-4 and refresh your mind about the story and what 
happened after J )
A.J. just looks at Kevin, his look quite bewilder, a bit mad, and surprised. He has never seen 
Brian act like that. Especially over someone he just met the other day..in fact it was yesterday. 
"Kev, what's with this, why did Bri demand to go alone. That's not like him at all, not to 
mention its almost like he knows things we don't." Kevin almost smiles a bit "That's because we 
do, and its not my place to say anymore A.J. Just be happy for Brian please, And don't do 
anything foolish or freak when you find out." A look of worry crosses his face, as he knows 
more and can't say, and he is worried how Brian will react since he doesn't know the whole 
situation. Also he sees a look of confusion, and almost anger from A.J. "Well Kev, I am 
shocked you keeping a secret, but that's OK." But in his mind he was absolutely furious. "Don't 
give me a chance will you. I'll remember this Jon. And I had such high hopes, well if I can't be 
happy...."A.J. says to himself. His insides crushed picking up on what Kevin was trying to 
say, inside he was hurt, outside he smiles, as he planned. No one knows just WHAT he 
planned, or that he was planing anything. Howie made a mental note to do something nice with 
A.J. knowing he'd be hurt. He also had a funny feeling that A.J. was planning something, he 
could see from the blank stare A.J was giving he was deep in thought, so he knew he'd have to 
warn Brian and me when he got back. "Come on guys, lets go see the sights, we have the 
concert tomorrow, and the mall thing, so its a busy day, lets go have some fun now while we 
can!" Howie said this really enthusiastically to break the silence. After that, off they went. 
Newbury Street was within walking distance, and so they decided they'd just browse and shop.
They started walking down and came to the Armani exchange and decided to go in. Once there 
they were greeted by a nice man in a very tasteful outfit, and were shown to the upstairs where 
the general nice clothes were sold. The shirts and pants for the business dress, but not the suits 
that would be worn in a board meeting. The guys slowly looked at the clothes and decided this 
was not the sore for them and made an exit, post haste. They were wearing their hats and 
sunglasses as to not be recognized. They passed by many restaurants and hair salons on their 
way down, and many other stores, by the time they finished their walk, they had their arms full 
of bags, as well as the day was pretty much spent. So they headed back to the hotel, amazed at  
their luck, as they weren't mobbed, and the sales clerks either didn't know them, or were to 
shocked to scream. So all and all they had a great day out, and A.J.'s mind seemed 
diverted..for the time being.
The guys all decided to grab a movie before getting to the hotel and ended up with a few classic 
horror movies. Preparing to go upstairs to Kevin's room they all check for a message at the 
desk. They all received the same message from Brian and myself that we were sharing a room, 
and decided at breakfast they would ask exactly what's going on, as well as assumed that all 
went well today. While in the lobby, they bumped into Nick coming down to the dinning room 
in the hotel to have some dinner. So he joins the group for a bit. "What's going on guys?" Nick 
says while holding in a laugh from all the bags they had with them. "Just got in Nick, going to put 
our things away and have a horror movie marathon...want in?" Kevin says while catching the 
smile creeping on Nick's face. "Sure Kev" was all Nick managed to say before bursting out 
with laughter. While pointing at all the bags, he starts cracking up, and then figures he'll be nice 
and help everyone out and grabs a few of the smaller bags and lugs them upstairs with the 
others close behind him. As they get the stuff put away they join Kevin in his room, and they 
order room service, and prepare to watch the movies that are to last all night..or at least a few 
hours cause of all the stuff they have to do tomorrow.
	Eventually they all start getting tired, say their good-bye's and head off into their own 
rooms, as Kevin cleans up and prepares for bed himself. Hoping the worst is over he lay's 
down and goes to sleep.

~~~~ Kevin's Dream ~~~~

	What looks like a High School is seen, and a kid is looking in a mirror fixing his hair. He 
has gorgeous deep eyes, and upon closer inspection, it looks like Kevin. He is wearing his 
letterman's jacket, and looking quite good. His hair is well groomed, and his clothing is very 
stylish. He walks out of the bathroom and is instantly joined by 6 guys that appear to also have 
the letterman jackets on. Obviously part of the in crowd, he starts talking. Going on about 
nothing important, he just walks with them..but his eyes show confusion, and unhappiness, 
and more confusion. They guys head into the locker room, as they are taken over by the smell 
of sweat, he starts changing into football pads. He sees a good-looking blonde next to him also 
changing. As he does he pretends he's not looking and hide's it well. Only problem was while 
watching the boy he seemed to be incredibly turned on. He had finished changing and lit out of 
there before anyone could notice, and he felt a slight pain as his engorged member pushed hard 
against his cup. He started running laps, hoping to forget how much the blonde turned him on. 
Just then the kid had joined Kevin, running next to him. Kevin thought the guy was talking to 
him, but dismissed the thought as the kid ran a bit faster and got ahead of him. He shook his 
head trying anything to get the thoughts out of his head. Practice went on as normal, but Kevin 
seemed a bit distant, and the coach noticed this, and asked Kevin to join him after practice in 
his office for a talk. So after practice Kevin got showered and found himself looking at that 
blonde again. The kid left like nothing and Kevin finished his shower. Upon going back to his 
locker, he found a piece of paper with a name and number on it. "Jason Troy 799-8573 call 
me" Kevin began to wonder if the kid had seen him looking him up in the shower, and Kevin 
got really scared. He quickly changed and went to the coaches office.
	"Hello Kevin." "Hey coach, what's up?" Now his coach was a nice guy all and all and 
the kids could talk to him, and he could read people well. "What bothering you Kevin, you 
were so distant at practice today." "I'm OK coach I had a few things on my mind that's all.
"Care to talk about them?" "Not really coach, I got to go, Thanks for offering tho" and with that 
Kevin took off and drove home. Very nervous he dialed the phone number. A nice lady with a 
cheery voice and a southern accent answered the phone. "Hello" she said. "Hello, is Jason 
home by chance?" "Let me go look dear" a slight pause occurred and a deep voice answered 
the phone. "Hello this is Jason." "Hi Jason, this is Kevin... I got your note what's up?" 
Kevin's voice shaky as he got scared "Well Kev, I got to tell ya, I thought I saw you looking at 
me before practice, and shrugged it off. Then in the showers I KNOW you were looking at me. 
So I figured I should at least introduce myself. I'm Jason, Jason Troy." Kevin now quite 
embarrassed as well as scared now as his worst nightmares and thought of what he "MIGHT" 
want to talk about came true. "I'm...I'm sorry I don't follow." Kevin said. "Well it's OK, I 
understand you checking me out, I was looking at you too. I just never thought you were gay." 
"Wait who said I was gay Jason?" "Oh your BI, I'm sorry for the confusion Kev." Kevin got a 
bit upset at that, "Who said I was BI?!?" "Well you were looking me up, and its OK, I won't 
tell anyone, I was wondering if you wanted some pizza and maybe a movie, and see where 
things go." Eventually Kevin ended up at Jason's house. They watched a movie and had a pizza, 
it got late so Kevin was invited to spend the night and graciously accepted as it was Friday night 
and he could hitch a ride to practice. The last thing Kevin remembered was having a few beers, 
and kissing Jason. But when he woke up, he was lying in Jason's bed, naked as was Jason. He 
jumped out of bed which woke up Jason as well. "What's wrong Kev?" Jason groggily said. 
"We..we...we didn't..did we?" Kevin was scared, and was looking to the ground. "It 
was the best experience of my life. I never had a 69 quite like that." Hearing that Kevin Jetted 
out the door while dressing on the way down. He went to the stream, his own little place and 
broke down....and was jolted awake
~~~~ Kevin's Room ~~~~ 
He was jolted up, and sat up straight. He was soaked in sweat, and he had tears streaming out 
of his eyes. He shook his head to clear his thoughts. In a quiet whisper. "It's the same dream, 
always showing me more of that day...I can't take this." He just looked at himself and 
grabbed another shower hoping it would help him. Unfortunately, He felt miserable. He had 
denied how he felt for so many years, that it all just flooded his mind. He sat on his bed, and just 
cried to himself. Before he Knew it, it was 7:00and wake up calls were sent out. He ordered 
the breakfast and set up the room across the hall, as he prepared for the others, grabbing a cup 
of coffee, knowing it would be a long day.
((And this catches up to the end of the last story J))

Brian's 7 Sea's of Loneliness
part 6 by Jon

Kevin brings in the cart and sets his room up, knowing the guys will soon be coming 
down for breakfast, he pours some coffee, and tries to clean his face up so it won't look like he 
was crying. He put out the plates as A.J. and Howie come into his room, and Nick comes 
shortly after, and they all wait on us. It's about 7:30 at this point and A.J. and Howie look at 
Kevin as they sit. Howie was the first to speak. "Kev, are you OK, you look a bit beat." "I'll be 
fine Howie, I just need the coffee to kick in." Howie knows something is wrong, but also senses 
that Kevin will tell in due time. "OK where are those two...I'm going have to go wake them  
up!" As he says that he exits his room.

~~~~ Brian's Room ~~~~

We had slept me in his arms, and my body started shivering, not from coldness, but fear. My 
face lost all color, as my body temperature dropped. Brian felt my body go cold as he 
answered the phone of the wake up call, so he rolled me over. He took one look at my face, a 
look of utter fear, and it was ghost white. He looked scared as well as my eyes just stared into 
space. <bang, bang> <bang, bang> "Brian, Jon time to get up!" Kevin bellowed..and quickly 
bran shouted back. "Kev, its open GET IN HERE!" Kevin heard worried tones in Brian's 
voice so he rushed on in and looked at Brian..then me...both in our underwear. 
"Kevin...what do I do...what do I do?!?" Brian was running around the room and got a 
towel and wet it with warm water. Kevin looked at my face, as Brian wiped my face off, I 
started to come around, and Kevin just stared. Soon as I finally came to, I grabbed onto Brian 
and clung to him, and cried..holding him as if my very life depended on it. Kevin just exited the 
room "Come down for breakfast when your ready Bri. He finally managed to calm me down, 
and asked me what was wrong. "Well, I was having a great dream...and then I woke up. I 
was so happy you were with me..." a few stray tears fell from my eyes "And then a flashback 
of my car accident hit me. It's been awhile, but I used to have them a lot..they tend to 
paralyze me in fear as I relive it all. I thought I was over all that. My mind is starting to relive 
these images for some reason, and they are getting worst by the day..I'm afraid of what's 
going to happen next..." I stopped in mid sentence seeing I was scaring Brian, and I refused 
to put him through more..especially if I can help it. I composed myself, and forced a smile, 
while looking at Brian, and ran my hand through his hair. "Well I am sorry I scared you Brian, 
I'll try harder next time, now lets get ready, the guys are expecting you." "No Jon, the guys are 
expecting "US" for breakfast." I just looked at him and smiled. Us had a nice ring to it. I could 
definitely get used to he and I being an US or a WE. 
	So we cleaned up, got dressed, and went down to the room for breakfast. As we 
walked in, I got a few stares from the guys, so I looked at Brian as if to say what do I do. He 
looked at me and lead me to the plates and we got something to eat, and then sat on a couch. 
The guys still looked at me funny, and Kevin started to speak..Brian gave him a look but he 
continued anyhow. "You OK Jon, want to tell us what that was all about?" I looked at Kevin 
for a few minutes..and I said "I had a flashback of a horrible car accident I was in. I am lucky 
to have lived...but the flashbacks are vivid. I still see my mothers head on the steering wheel 
after breaking the windshield. Bleeding from so many places, and my trying to wake her. I was 
5. I had a gash o my side from the seat belt..." I lift my shirt and turn so they can see the large 
scar on my side "These haven't happened for awhile, but when they hit, I get so scared I am 
more or less paralyzed. There is little I can do. It's still a painful memory..." My eyes start to 
water up, and a few tears fall again remembering the accident..the pictures burned into my 
mind, always present. So I turn away from the guys, and Brian wishing to cause him no more 
pain, and him watching me cry will hurt him. I did my best to catch a grip, and my voice, a bit 
shaky, but not to badly " So I am sorry I upset you guys. Now if you'll excuse me please I have 
to do a few things before the mall trip." With that I walked out, this room happened to be on the 
other side of my room. I shakily opened the door to the room I started in. I closed the door, 
and fell to my bed. The tears falling. Partly from the images, and partly from the fact I knew how 
I hurt Brian. I knew I couldn't run off, as much as I wanted to at that moment cause I knew I 
had to appear at the mall for the promotions and stuff. I walked out onto the balcony and 
looked over the edge. Again I came to a point in my life where the pain was so great I honestly 
thought about jumping. As I leaned over, I started leaning way over. It was obvious what I was 
thinking at that point. Having the door closed, I didn't hear anyone in my room. Standing at my 
door were Nick and Brian. Brian was in tears, and Nick was helping him in my room. A soon 
as Nick saw me, It clicked in his mind I had mentioned suicide yesterday at the bench. He ran 
to the door to the balcony, and grabbed me, and dragged me in my room to the bed. Brian just 
stood there, not to sure what was happening. Nick took me to the bed, sat me down and 
looked at me sternly. "What the HELL were you doing Jon. Do you really even know? Look I 
know you must be in pain..but there are better ways. If you did that you'd be hurting A 
LOT of people!" I just stared at him. "Well yes I am in pain, and the amount of pain is 
IMMENSE! I can't do all this again. The pain while I explained things came back 3 fold. I 
could see the hurt in Brian's eyes as I started to cry. I refuse to do that to him. I refuse to be a 
source of pain on him!" Brian just looked at me, shocked a bit. It almost looked like he was 
about to smile. In Brian's head all he could think of was how much I must have cared for him to 
think that way..then figured out what was going on...and a tear formed. "Jon had you 
jumped it would have hurt me far worst. If you need to cry I will be there. Don't worry about 
me, I can handle it. I may cry with you. But its not so much pain as it is that I can't stand to see 
someone I love going through all this pain. Besides, I have my times when I will cry, and I know 
you'd be the first one at my side, and come hell or high water, we will both manage." What else 
could I do but sit there. My mind had a million and one things running through it as did theirs I'm 
sure. Brian walked over and wiped my face, and we walked to our room to get cleaned up, 
showered (separately) and ready to go to the mall. 
	I started humming while we went to the elevator, all the guys noticed it, but no one said 
anything. As we went down to the limo and in it, I kept humming, but no one could identify it 
with a song. Final after being stared at for an hour between hall, limo, and on the way to the mall 
I spoke. "OK what's on my forehead?" They all found this absolutely hilarious, and I just 
looked confused. Brian looked at me, almost laughing "Well you were humming what sounded 
like a slow sad song..but I couldn't place it. What was it?" I looked at him and it was my turn 
to laugh. "would you like to hear the words, and see if that helps?" Them beginning to see a 
game agreed and waited, looking like kids in a candy store. "Well I guess this will be a game, 
though I have no prize..so all you get is to gloat." So I started to sing..
"ohhhh yeah..babe yeah...can't you see..the seven sea's..

Is there really love out there for me.
Is their a heart that beats like mine,
Feeling the pain, wishing upon a shiny star.
That one day to see, no longer you'll be
sailing these dark lonely sea's"
	Their eyes seemed so sad, as they realized what the song was. Also the fact that they 
had an idea know what the words really meant, although none would truly know but me, until I 
got the guts to really say. They just listened intently as they seemed to get the beat, although my 
voice is far from great, they got a feel for the song as I continued...
"It's the 7 sea's of loneliness (stress on Loneliness)
Where the heart beats alone (stress on alone)
Yeah the 7 sea's of loneliness (stress loneliness)
Where the soul stands alone (stress alone)
Oh babe the 7 sea's of loneliness (stress loneliness)
Forever their home to me (stress me)"

	As if they felt the pain in the song as I sang it, they got a very different look at the song. 
They were beginning to realize how much feeling I had put into it, and they were also seeing that 
I must have been bad off to write this, a tear was in my eye, as well as theirs..

"Or is there a home that can be.
far away from the dark dreary sea's.
alone no longer to be, for
all eternity. Waiting for him (sent in as her).
Or will I forever be banished for eternity to ..."

	I finally realized tho my eyes were closed, that this song's meaning was slowly drifting 
away, as I realized I sat beside the man who took me away...or has he?

"It's the 7 sea's of loneliness (stress on Loneliness)
Where the heart beats alone (stress on alone)
Yeah the 7 sea's of loneliness (stress loneliness)
Where the soul stands alone (stress alone)
Oh babe the 7 sea's of loneliness (stress loneliness)
Forever their home to me (stress me)

Then you look up one day to the sky,
Always your heart wondering just what to do.
Then you see it one day, shining away
Like a diamond sent to you from the gods.
But you lose it that day, And the pain they do say
Will be brightened by another bright shining star. But..

It's the 7 sea's of loneliness (stress on Loneliness)
Where the heart beats alone (stress on alone)
Yeah the 7 sea's of loneliness (stress loneliness)
Where the soul stands alone (stress alone)
Oh babe the 7 sea's of loneliness (stress loneliness)
Forever their home to me (stress me)

How long can a heart take the pain.
Of a happiness taken away from your arms.
How can they say, love takes pain away
When it causes such misery too.
How do you look to the skies, Without asking
just why, must I sail these sea's all alone.
That's when you realize, your in...

It's the 7 sea's of loneliness (stress on Loneliness)
Where the heart beats alone (stress on alone)
Yeah the 7 sea's of loneliness (stress loneliness)
Where the soul stands alone (stress alone)
Oh babe the 7 sea's of loneliness (stress loneliness)
Forever their home to me (stress me)

Oh oh oh yeah yeah yeah
For ever to be, in these dark
Dreary sea's, sailing so far
>From the breeze. No pain can
They say, to be taken away
Because you traveled with me through...

It's the 7 sea's of loneliness (stress on Loneliness)
Where the heart beats alone (stress on alone)
Yeah the 7 sea's of loneliness (stress loneliness)
Where the soul stands alone (stress alone)
Oh babe the 7 sea's of loneliness (stress loneliness)
Forever their home to me (stress me)

oh yeah babe

It's the 7 sea's of loneliness (stress on Loneliness)
Where the heart beats alone (stress on alone)
Yeah the 7 sea's of loneliness (stress loneliness)
Where the soul stands alone (stress alone)
Oh babe the 7 sea's of loneliness (stress loneliness)
Forever their home to me (stress me)"

	A final tear grazes my cheek, as I slowly open my eyes to see them crying as well. It 
was just a stray tear or two on their faces, but they finally had a little understanding for what the 
song was about. What it really meant. They knew it was a ballad, and they just saw, from the 
tones in my voice what it truly said. For Brian, he almost felt the same way before. It was all I 
could do to put my head on his shoulder and close my eyes, as the song struck a very painful 
cord with me as I sang it, I remembered the exact reason I wrote it. With that a few more tears 
fell, as Brian lovingly stroked my hair and we arrived at the mall. We were a few hours early, so 
we sat there for a minute, Brian grabbed a tissue and a water and cleaned my face, and the 
other's cleaned their own. We walked into the mall, the guys having a new understanding of me. 
Nick a bit worried from earlier, and then hearing the song, having a good idea of  the pain I 
must have been going through. Brian, realizing the loneliness I must have known for all those 
years since he always had a loving and warm family, and I didn't even have that. It got him 
thinking just how much he really missed his family and what they meant to him. He had figured it 
was time to call his family and tell them how he truly felt and he missed them. Also he knew it 
was time to tell his parents he had a boyfriend and time to let them know how he cared. Know 
Kevin and the guys knew, but his parents weren't officially filled in on it. Besides, he started 
forming an idea, since today was the only day that HAD to be in Boston. After that they could 
do anything so long as the brought me, which to Brian was just an added bonus. He knew he 
had to call his mom and talk to the guys without me hearing. His face formed a devious little 
smile and I looked at him. "OK Brian, I se your mind is working, and you have a grin like you 
shot the sheriff, so what's going on in that mind of yours?" He looked at me wondering how I 
knew "I was just thinking about the song." He quickly covered. He hated lying but knew it was 
for a good reason.
	As we got set up the guys all started talking as it was a bit before the autograph session 
and stuff. Brian spoke up "guys back at the hotel we need to have a group meeting." Kevin 
looked at Brian shocked...and amused. "OK Brian, that's all right we can wait to hear 
why.but you realize its just us five for those...no offense Jon but a group meeting is really for 
the group..not to make you feel left out...its just the way." My jaw dropped and Brian got 
a sad look on his face "Jon its OK it will be short, I promise, then we can do something." Nick 
got uneasy about leaving me alone after earlier, but gave in and they were agreed they were 
having a meeting. Shortly an announcer came on and announced who the guys were. And why 
they were here. It was a few hours of signing autographs and I sat in the line, and people 
wanted my autograph too. It's funny all the people I knew from school who never gave me the 
time of day who wanted my autograph. I had a very uneasy look on my face and almost 
scowled a few times. Finally a guy I had hated for years came up to me. It was about 10 
minutes after the session was over, and I knew it. "You'll have to excuse me now Vincent" As I 
excused myself I just walked away. I know Brian wanted to join me but they had their 
responsibilities and had to say goodbye, where I had the option to go. Kevin spoke for the 
group "Well its been real, and it's really time we went to prepare for the concert, hope to see 
everyone there" and the rest said a generic good-bye. They made their way to the limo, and I 
wasn't there. All that was there as a note, a few drops that were tears, and that's it. Brian 
slowly opened the note, almost afraid of what it had said. 

" Dear Guys:
	I know you must have expected me to be here. If I were you I would have too. 
But the fact is you guys need to talk without me there. A few people today were people 
I knew and never gave me the time of day, and all of a sudden they want an autograph. 
It's hard to go from a nobody that's been belittled your whole life to being in demand, 
and I guess it freaked me out. I need to walk, and since I always have my pack on me 
with my walk-man I am heading to the hotel, well not directly, but I will be there in a 
few hours after I do some thinking..a lot of thinking. I also know what a few of my 
feelings are...the problem is, is my feelings are hurting too many people right now. 
People I really care about, and that hurts me more than anything in the world. Please 
do not search for me, which is what I know you want to do Brian. It's amazing how well 
I know you isn't it..I will be back in one way shape or form, I promise. Besides you 
guys needed to talk anyhow. Please don't worry to much I will be fine, I just need a 
little bit of walking and some time to pull myself together. I don't want you guys to see 
me in the state I left in. I refuse to hurt you guys and Brian like that. It's enough that I 
am here, you don't need all my baggage to hold you down. Besides, when I come back, 
maybe I will have a new perspective on things. At least I hope I will. I need to work a 
few things out, but I cannot do it at the hotel. There is one thing I am sure of, and no 
matter what Brian remember this...I love you, with all my heart and soul. I love you 
with all that I am. You have given me a new purpose to go on in life, and you have 
helped ease the pain I felt when I wrote the song. No longer does my heart beat alone, 
it beats in sync with yours, and no longer does my soul stand alone, as it stands beside 
you. 

							Jon
As Brian read the note aloud, the guys looked at him for a reaction. Brian had a smile on his 
face as he knew I meant what I said, and I would be back. "This is his way of letting us talk, 
and he has some thinking to do. It must have been hard to see people who thought he was trash 
and have them ask for a signature...just like when the first fan asked us for our signature." So 
off they drove to the hotel, and all gathered in Kevin's room. Kevin beat the others to the 
question "OK Bri, what's up, what's the meeting for?" "Well guys, Jon's family life has been 
way past cruel, and I know but a small portion. And since he's here for the week, and after the 
concert it wasn't stated we HAD to stay here for the week, I was thinking maybe we could go 
home and show Jon a real family. My family...and let him see what a real family is like, loving 
and caring. I can't imagine what I would have done without them. I have to ask mom if it's OK, 
but I am sure she will agree. Besides, there is room for us all there, home cooked meals, and my 
family and Kevin's. Almost like a company paid vacation." The guys all looked like they were 
thinking, their faces exaggerated. A.J. spoke first "You had me at the home cooked meals Bri" 
Howie just agreed and added "As long as I get my own room, A.J. has been keeping me up 
with moans and lots of hand movement." Howie smiled knowing he got A.J. good and A.J. 
blushed. "Well Bri, I don't want to be at aunt Jackie's the whole time. I mean, I have a family to 
you know!" With that he started laughing and Nick nodded in return saying he agreed. Brian 
cheered a bit knowing his plan was going well so far. The way he figures it he would show me a 
grand time with a real family and hope it would ease my pain. He figured he could help me, and 
I could help him in a few ways. And with his thoughts he could just tell that we were destined to 
be together, and I knew the same, or so he hoped. They talked about odds and ends and after 
a few hours they broke, still wondering where I was..Brian was a bit worried but went to his 
room anyhow. He picked up the phone and dialed a number with such speed it must have been 
a regularly dialed number. He began a conversation with his mother and they started to set 
things up.

~~~~ On My Walk ~~~~

	I just couldn't help thinking all this was happening..finally. I had been alone my whole 
life, and now I have met a guy I really liked, and when I met him and talked to him...I feel in 
love. I never believed in love at first sight. I guess it has to happen to you to believe in it. His 
poster boy image faded away the second I started talking to him, and his intelligence shown 
through like a single star guiding me to my one true love. Love...a word that had no meaning 
to me just 3 days ago has suddenly made my life, my world. I had fallen in love with Brian 
Littrell, A sweet, caring, sensitive man from Kentucky, Not the singer for the BackStreet Boys. 
His personality was real and genuine, his arms so strong and safe. His heart was like a river, it 
was constant, flowing, almost bottomless. He had more love to give than any other human I 
have ever known. I had prayed for many years that the god and goddess would send me a love 
that was real. I knew my life...my whole life was a test. It made me realize I was strong, 
strong enough to endure the pain I was given by my mother. Strong enough to endure the 
loneliness of being alone. Strong enough to endure the bitter coldness that we call society. Some 
people said they aren't as strong as I was, but they are. They haven't realized it yet but they are. 
The god and goddess pushed me my whole life. Testing me, and making me strong...mentally 
as well. Most people who say they aren't strong, have yet to be tested. When they are they will 
find they truly have the strength in them. I had been tested enough to trust in myself, in my 
abilities, and in my rational. Few people have gotten under my shell. My self defense that I put 
up as to not get hurt. Even my dad, whom I had to move in with after I got into college, and I 
was kicked out from losing my financial aid from mom. I refused to get attached knowing that 
one day I may be hurt. I remember it like it was yesterday. He had put a bid on his dream 
house..but there just wasn't enough room for me. He said he wasn't sure if he'd get it, and I 
was the only one who knew besides my step mom. So I couldn't tell anyone, therefore I 
couldn't ask for help either. What was I to do? I couldn't hope he didn't get the house. It 
always was his dream to find a house like that. He could afford it so I was happy for him. I'd 
rather sacrifice my happiness to see him get what he deserved..he deserved his dreams. He 
worked many years for it, and I wouldn't be the one to stop him. He had a new family now, 2 
other kids and a wife that needed him. He needed to be happy, and I was 18...going on 19 2 
weeks to the day from there. Now for someone who hasn't cried too much in his life (sounds 
weird since I spend a lot of these stories crying eh?.can we say shell?) I went to my room, 
and I cried my silent tears. I refused to make a sound, I didn't want him to know he was hurting 
me, he deserved this. He had a new family I wasn't meant to be a part of, and so he would get 
his house. I honestly wanted him to have it. Some say that's foolish of me, but I'd say its foolish 
to condemn a mans dreams. For that's what keeps us going. The gods greatest gifts were the 
gift of hope, and the gift of dreams...without those we couldn't go on. Even in my darkest 
hours, I still had my hopes and my dreams that kept me going. Its the hope that one day these 
dreams will be completed that we move on through the bad.
 These memories started flooding into my head as I walked. How happy he seemed 
when he talked about the house. I could do nothing more but smile, agree it was great, and 
silently, and alone shed my tears. I figured it was another test, to see how independent I could 
be. If I truly had been prepared to survive in this world. A single tear formed in my eye, as I 
remember I got through it. Here I was, finally being rewarded for all I had endured. Losing my 
father again, and now I found the love of my life. I knew I wasn't dependent on anyone for my 
happiness. I was happy going to the movies alone, and that's a big step for a person. To be able 
to be happy alone means truly you can be happy in a relationship. Also it means you can look 
with your heart, and know its true. Also if it goes sour, you won't be attacked and stay because 
that person is your one source of happiness. That's important, not that I was worried Brian 
would strike me, but I knew if he did, I could leave, and not look back. Just as I did when dad 
kicked me to the curb, I held my head high, and walked into the distance, and never turned 
back to see if he cared I was leaving, or to see if he cared how he hurt me. It was too important 
to me that I move on and not look back. That way the pain was lessened just a bit. I knew it 
was best for us both, he had his dreams, and I had my strength and courage and will to move up 
in life. What else could I do, as I always say, Life goes on, and so must I. Now I am in Boston, 
staying with the BackStreet Boys, getting to know them as people. As well as I am in love with 
a great guy, and he loves me back. If life got any better, which I didn't think was possible, it 
wouldn't have phased me. I was perfectly content. That's when I knew I had to do something, 
something special to show Brian how much I really cared. So I started the tape in my walk-
man, and off I went to a few stores. I first stopped off at a new age store and grabbed a few 
essential in scents. Then I got some candles, and off I went to the Hotel. I figured I had better 
set up. I was going to show him an after show night he would never forget. With all the stuff in 
my pack, I went "Home." Grant you it was a hotel, but where ever Brian was, from then on in 
was my home. 

~~~~ Back At The Hotel ~~~~
	I took a deep breathe. I composed myself, fixed my shirt, wiped my face. Slowly I 
opened the door. I heard Brian say "Good-bye mom" and he hung up the phone. I half smiled 
"I'm glad you called your mom, you guys seem real close." He smiled at me. I knew he was up 
to something, I also knew it was better left as a surprise as I know had one for him to. "So did 
you have a good walk Jon?" With that I took a deep breathe again, and let the tear roll down 
my cheek. "Yes Brian...I cleared a few things off my mind. I thought a lot about you, us, 
and other things. I also thought of the day I left my family behind me, more or less completely, 
and didn't look back. Wasn't my choice, but dad had his dreams in his grasp, and he deserved 
to have them." I wiped the stray tear that fell and continued "Just as I deserved my dream, and 
here you are. I sacrificed all I had a lot of times to make others happy. Or to be sure I survived, 
or even just to keep going. Now, I finally reap what I have sown. Now is my chance for 
happiness. The god and goddess tested me time and again, and I managed to keep moving on. 
Now my dream, my love, my world is standing before me. You more than make up for all the 
pains I have suffered. All the lonely nights I prayed for a love. All the sacrifices, it was all worth 
it. Cause I know now that I can be truly happy." Brian got a tear in his eye and embraced me in 
the warmest, most loving hug I have ever been in to that day. He then and there knew I felt the 
same way he did, and come hell or high water he was going to make sure they made it as a 
couple, one way or another. Now he had to figure out how. He didn't want to leave the band, 
but he knew it was something he may have to sacrifice. He also knew that this love was worth 
any sacrifice. He had just hoped it wouldn't come down to it. I also knew that this is where I 
wanted my life to be, in his arms. As corny as it sounds, in his arms and for the first time in my 
life, I finally felt safe, warm, WANTED. That was the greatest feeling in the world. No one ever 
wanted me. I more or less lived out my car my whole life. Now I am in the arms of a guy who's  
love was pure. That love was for me, and me alone. The was no more I could say. I lived my 
life, like the song "Strong Enough" my whole life. I left things that I had to, and I moved on. The 
choices I have made were not easy, nor did I choose half of them. They were made in order for 
me to survive tho. "Brian, we need to talk. I know we've only known one and another for 3 
days...but I know, right now, this is how I want the rest of my life to be. In your arms. For 
the first time in my life I have been made felt wanted. I have been made to feel love. You have 
gotten under my shell, and to a place no one has been in years. I don't care what I have to 
sacrifice. I know what ever it is, I will manage as long as I have you. Love has finally found me, 
and I won't give it up without a fight. Even if it means I have to give up the little I have left here, 
and I have to follow you to every concert. I will find a way to do it." Brian just looked at me as 
if he wanted to say about the same thing. He was also a bit relieved because he knew he 
wouldn't have to leave the group for his love...unless things made him.
	"Well we have about 2 hours before dinner, then sound checks at the concert. I was 
going to take a nap. Care to join?" All I did was smile...then I looked at him "Well Bri, I'd be 
happy too, if you can wait a few minutes for me to shower. All that walking made me one smelly 
guy." He ended up agreeing, but not before trying to get me to let him join me. Know my body 
said yes, my mind said your stupid not to, my lips said no as if my lips knew what I should be 
saying. He pouted for a bit and figured he'd settle for me in a nap. It took me about 10 minutes 
to finish my shower, and I walked out in my boxer-briefs, pulled the covers back, and joined 
my sleeping love in bed. It thought it was cute, he must have been exhausted if he fell asleep like 
that. I just smiled, and his arms were soon pulling me in, as if he knew I was there. I just 
snuggled up close to his body and enjoyed the feeling he was giving me. Before I knew it, I was 
in a nice, peaceful sleep. Which is something that has happened more and more since I feel in 
love. His arms feel as if he could protect me from the world. Before I knew it, I felt a pair of 
eyes on me, which since I was in a light sleep woke me up. A saw Nick standing at the door. 
Seeing him, made me jump, not expecting him. "Can I help you Nick?" He just pointed and 
laughed at the fact I had on just my boxer-briefs, and I was tenting a bit. So I just slammed the 
door in his face, and got dressed, opened the door back up to see him still there. When I saw 
him I got an evil look in my eyes. He knew I was absolutely pissed. I started walking at him, 
and balled my fists up. Kevin saw me, and the look in my eyes was of pure rage. Kevin darted 
down the hall to give Nick a distraction to escape. Soon as Nick bolted in his room, I started 
cracking up. Kevin looked at me like I had a third eye. "Jon want to explain what's so funny?" 
"Well Kev, Nick just learned an important lesson in life." "And that would be...?" "Not to 
barge in my room when I am in a peaceful sleep, wake me up the one time I wasn't having a 
nightmare, and laugh cause I had a tent in my briefs. I wasn't really mad, but I can play mad real 
well!" Kevin grinned evilly, and I know a plan was in his head. In fact I was sure, so I knew I'd 
have to watch myself. Now Kevin knew that Nick would be LIVID when he found out I wasn't 
really mad, and Kevin had just gotten the way he could help Nick get me back. So he went to 
Nick's room, and I to mine and Brian's. I just started mumbling a bit, and Brian sat up in the 
bed "What wrong babe?" "Well Brian, Nick woke me up, and for the first time, I wasn't having 
a nightmare. PLUS Kevin's planning something, I can tell. So I can more or less just leave 
relaxing out my schedule till I figure what he's planning. Plus your planning something and aren't 
telling me..yes I know it. That's OK tho cause I have a few plans of my own as well." Brian 
just dropped his jaw at that. He was shocked I could read people so well, and I knew he was 
up to something. It was reinforced his previous thoughts, if someone could read him that well, 
and the fact that he knew he cared cause his jaw to close and turn to a smile, and a hug, which I 
gladly returned.
	Well, to make a long story short, that was more or less the end of the conversation, as 
Brian needed a shower and we had to get ready for dinner and the concert. About an hour later 
we met the guys in the lobby. "Always the last one Brian..a few "Hard Problems" you just 
"HAD" to fix" A.J. asked. I glared evilly at him. "If you must know A.J. I am a virgin. I don't 
appreciate that statement, nor should I. Even if we were it would have been none of your 
business, besides, least I know I can get some when I want it, and I know Brian can have this!" 
As I start running my hands on my body "And you can't!" Feeling I had said what needed to be 
said I hugged Brian, not after hearing the "ooohhhh's" and "Ahhhh's" and seeing the pointing 
and laughing at A.J. as it was clear he wanted me, and I made it equally clear he was never 
gonna get it. A smile played on my lips as ell, as I knew I was going to be fine here. If I did end 
up going on tour with Brian, I knew right there I'd be able to ward off their attempts at 
embarrassing me, also I'd be able to get at them back, so they'd see to back off and not test 
me. To this point I had gotten Kevin by being straight with him and honest. Nick thru faking 
extreme anger, A.J. through a cheap shot, and Howie, he's one I hadn't figured out yet. So I 
had to keep my wits about when it came to him. We headed to a nice Italian restaurant for 
dinner. I was a bit nervous expecting Kevin and Nick to pull something, luckily they didn't. 
Which made me wonder when they would. I slowly started to enjoy my dinner, as I felt on of 
Brian's hands move to my thigh resting there and squeezing gently once and awhile, and he was 
smiling, as was I as I returned the favor. Dinner all and all went nicely. No one really recognized 
them, and if they did they kept it to themselves. Now I am weird, a lot of times what I want to 
say is described into a song, and a lot of times said better. I started humming a song, and Brian 
just looked at me in shock as he realized what song I was singing. He also realized what it 
meant. It was "Secret Garden" and I didn't know I was doing it. He realized he had gotten into 
my "Secret Garden", into that shell I hid myself in for so long, and a tear came to his eye. I 
stopped humming and wiped the tear away. "What's wrong Bri?" He just stared at me "What 
do you mean what's wrong? Do you realize what you were humming?" "No, not really. Usually 
when that happens I was feeling something and I didn't know how to say, or what to say..why 
what was I humming?" He replied softly knowing he was right "Secret Garden." My jaw hit the 
ground, and the guys knew what Brian knew and smiled. They realized we could read each 
other, and we fit together just right. They knew this was a love that was to last longer than time 
itself. They knew that this was the real deal, and that Brian was finally to be made happy. I 
knew this was right as well. I knew I trusted Brian with my life, and anything he wanted I knew I 
would give my all to get. I also altered my plans a bit as I kicked my bag to make sure it was 
there. I looked at Brian, "Brian..I need to show you something after the concert, and A.J. 
before you EVEN go to where your about to.." I noticed his face as he was about to interject 
a rude comment "Don't! Anyhow Brian, I want to show you a place I go when I was lonely or 
needed to think, it was my special place, and I want you to come there tonight with me please." 
I had a look as if to say you can't say no, it would devastate me. Brian knew we had an early 
flight, but he agreed anyhow "This is important to you isn't it Jon?" All I did was nod. "Then its 
settled, we go after the concert" Brian said. Amazingly the guys let us share that moment for a 
few minutes and Kevin cleared his throat "Time for those sound checks guys." He knew he was 
about to cry for his cousin's happiness, and also from his own loneliness. We went to the 
concert hall, and got all the usual checks done, and then the guys huddled around for a prayer. 
They said their prayer, and I my own for them. They said A-men and looked at me as if to say 
what are you waiting for. A few minutes later I said blessid be. This got funny looks from ALL 
of them and I shied away. "I'm...I'm sorry, I was saying my own prayer, I thought I let you 
know I was Wiccan." I just turned away so no one could see the hurt in my eyes, and Brian 
grabbed me by the waist "It doesn't matter, we were surprised, but we'll live." With that he 
smiled, I could just feel it, even though my back was to him. I grabbed his arms around me and 
held tight. I didn't want this to end, but it did. The guys filed off to take their places. 
	They did a normal set, and at the end Kevin and Nick got on the microphones. Kevin 
began "Did you guys enjoy the concert?" The crowd started cheering wildly. "Would you like 
one more song?" Nick said. Again the crowd cheered loudly. "Well then why not..we need 
your help though guys. Remember the contest, well why don't you guys see if you can get Jon 
to come out here and show you just what the song is." Kevin's face lit up knowing he and Nick 
had gotten me. My jaw dropped as I was really a shy person. I started going to the back door, 
and they all carried me out, kicking and screaming. I knew I was trapped then. I was handed a 
Microphone, and a seat next to Brian, and the rest of the guys took a seat and a microphone. 
There was no music for the song yet, but they started in anyhow. They were doing back-up and 
getting it started as I felt what they were doing I closed my eyes. I knew if I looked at the 
audience I wouldn't go through with it. I started feeling why I wrote the song, and began belting 
out the first chorus.
"It's the 7 sea's of loneliness (the guys echoed in on loneliness)
Where the heart beats alone (again they echoed)
Yeah the 7 sea's of loneliness (echo)
Where the soul stands alone (echo)
Oh babe the 7 sea's of loneliness (echo)
Forever their home to me (they did an ohhhhh)"
	The whole song went of, and the crowd was absolutely silent. Not a single word was 
spoken till the song ended, and the guys stood. It looked like everyone in the concert hall was 
crying. Including myself and the guys. I had poured my emotions into writing the song, and even 
more when I sang it. I felt something surge thru me when I sang that song. I knew it wasn't true 
of me anymore. But it was a part of my life I would never be able to let go of or forget. Before I 
knew what was happening, Kevin was talking to the crowd. All I heard was my name, and the 
song's title. I was in my own little world of bliss. The crowd cheered for me. For once in my life 
people cared about what I did. But that was paled in comparison to my knowing that I had 
finally found my love. That one true love that never fades. The love that will stand the test of 
time. I wasn't too happy with being drug out on stage, but I was happy. We made our way to 
the limo, which dropped us off at my apartment. We went into my car, it was old, and kind of 
beat up, but it ran good. We got into my car, and I just smiled. The moon was full, and the night 
was gorgeous. It was a light wind, almost as if the night was set up just for us that night. I started 
Driving, I drove for about an hour, with Brian's hand in mine. Our fingers laced together, as if 
the gods themselves couldn't separate us without a fight. Finally I had gotten to where I wanted 
to take him. We were at the Clinton Dam. I took him thru the path and to my special thinking 
spot. It was a small little hill the over looked the entire area well, and the moon shone off the 
water, it was well light, and everything was perfect. It was almost like I was living in a 
storybook. I couldn't have asked for a better night, a better person to be sharing it with, or a 
more perfect feeling from it. "Brian, this place is where I go when I needed to think. This is 
where I went when I needed to be alone, or when I needed to cry. I have been here more times 
than I can remember, and each time it get more beautiful. Now I finally get to share my special 
place in this world with the person I want to share my life with." I leaned in and kissed him, 
feeling the moment was just right. It was a long passionate kiss. It was almost like the first kiss, 
it held a lot of meaning..especially to me. I opened my bag, and for the first time he actually 
seemed curious what was inside. He never asked, and never showed he cared, although I am 
sure he noticed I took it everywhere. I took out a single white candle. I took the candle in one 
hand, and his hand in the other. I dug a small hole and placed the candle in it. I lit the wick and 
let it burn as I said a prayer to the gods that Brian and I would be together forever. "Blessid Be" 
was all I said aloud, and Brian looked at me. "What was all that about Jon?" "I was just 
thanking the gods for bringing us together, and also I was saying a prayer that we would always 
be happy and together." Satisfied with my answer he smiled and kissed me again. I slowly laid 
down on the grass looking up to the beautiful night, the stars and the sky, and the Brian laid on 
top of me. I looked into his deep eyes, and I was looking into the stars in his eyes. I knew then I 
wanted him to be my first...and I knew this is as romantic as it could probably get, but after 
kissing for a little while, I stopped him and we went back to the car. "I know your disappointed 
Brian, and I know that was as romantic as someone could possibly ask for...but I still need a 
little time." He nodded his head in understanding and I slowly took off my class ring, and slipped 
it on his finger. It was too big for him, so he strung it on his necklace with his cross on it so it 
would keep me close to his heart, and close to his god. I smiled and nodded and started the 
drive into Boston.

~~~~ Brian's Hotel Room ~~~~
	Brian went straight for a shower, and I silently lit a few candle's. I lit the god and 
goddess candles and started my prayers, as I called the guardians, I lit each their own 
respective candle. I burnt a cone of sandalwood, and set my pentagram down, and lit a 
separate red and white candle on the side to represent me and Brian. Also my prayers were 
prayers of thanks for sending him to me, and bringing us together, also with hopes we would 
forever remain that way. Being the full moon, I also decided to cast a spell of banishing on 
myself. I banished the thoughts I had been having, and the flashbacks I had away from my 
body, leaving only room for my heart, and the love it felt, and the love Brian gave me. I 
dispelled all the negative energies in my body and started talking to the goddess. Unbeknownst 
to me, Brian heard the whole thing. I turned around to grab my candle snuffer and saw him there 
with a single tear in his eye, as he came and wrapped me up in a warm embrace. I lifted him up, 
and carried him to bed, and then crawled in after him, and wrapped him up in my arms. Peace 
just swept over me as I had asked for, and I felt my pain and worries flood away, and it was 
replaced by his love and affections. I went to bed totally at ease with myself, and with a new 
piece of mind. I was whole, the void in my heart left by my family had finally been filled. I kissed 
him on his forehead, and squeezed him a bit closer and fell off to a deep peaceful sleep. I woke 
up to Brian shaking me a bit, I was in a seat on what looked like a plane. As I awoke, I jumped 
up a bit surprised. "Where..am...I?" "Brian looked at me and chuckled, and the rest of the 
guys had the tell tale smiles on their faces. "SURPRIES" they all said in unison. "Jon your on a 
plane, were going to my mom's house, I didn't want to wake you up. So I packed your stuff 
up, and carried you. We'll be landing soon, and I wanted you to see this." I hugged him "so 
THIS is what you were planning...well I guess.." I started fumbling around for my pack, 
and got real nervous when I couldn't find it "Bri...Brian..where's my pack?" He gave me a 
funny look "We tossed it, it was old and we figured it wasn't too..." I cut him off as if to say 
no more. I could feel my heart break in two. All I cared about in the world was more or less in 
there. I felt a tear escape, as I looked away and closed my eyes. Refusing to show pain. I took 
a few deep breath's to calm myself, let the few tears I had trickle down my cheek, and I got out 
of my seat, relocating to the other end of first class. I called the stewardess over "Ma'am when 
is the next flight back to Boston?" "Actually in a few hours from when we land sir. Is everything 
OK?" "Yes thanks" Brian had a look on his face as if someone had shot him.

Brian's 7 Sea's of Loneliness
part 7 by Jon

	Brian slowly approached me, with a pleading look in his eyes. "Brian...you have no 
idea what you did do you?" "Yes Jon I do...and I'm sorry. I told the guys that this would 
upset you. They insisted Nick needed to get you back. Besides its here in your bag." I stood 
up, balled my fists up, my face went beat red, and my pupils turned solid black, and enlarged so 
it looked like I had black eyeballs. That was the guaranteed sign I was beyond pissed as I 
started walking towards Nick, he knew I was serious, and he hid behind Kevin and A.J. Kevin 
tried to calm me down, but I was ready to plow thru him, and he knew I could. Brian's arm 
grabbed me, and I turned as if I was going to swing. I saw his eyes pleading with me, and 
slowly began to regain my composure. "Nick you better HOPE to god..which ever one you 
pray to I don't get my hands on you, cause I will break your neck. That bag is all I treasure in 
this world other than Brian, which is the ONLY reason I calmed down. Because of Brian. I 
don't want to hear FROM you, ABOUT you, or see you. I have never meant this, and I have 
almost never said it, till now. Nick, I HATE you..if I wasn't a Wiccan I'd put a spell on you 
you'd never forget. My religion teaches forgiveness, but I will not forgive you for this. I do 
believe I will be taking that flight home, if I stay here with you guys for the rest of the week, I am 
afraid I may seriously hurt Nick. I say that not cause I fear what will happen to me, but I fear I 
will not stop short of killing him, and I do not want that on my hands." My anger was at its 
highest, and I honestly feared for him, and Brian held me by my waist. "Jon please don't do this, 
it was a simple joke that went to far. I really want you to meet my family. I want you to spend 
the week with me...i want you to be with me forever. If you go home I am going back with 
you." He turned to the guys, tears all over his face "I am leaving the group, I want to stay with 
Jon..and if he is afraid of hurting Nick, then I am staying where ever he stays. So I am 
leaving the group." The guys jaws dropped at the notion and I turned around slowly "Bri, I love 
you..with all my heart and soul...but I can't let you do that. I refuse to. You guys mean to 
much, to many people will be disappointed. But I'm not ready to lose you either, so for you I 
will "TRY" to control myself..Nick you had better HOPE I can, cause if Brian chooses me, 
I will let him stay. I won't let him leave for me if I don't try to be around you...but by the gods 
I swear if you rub me the wrong way again or touch my bag again, may the gods help you, 
cause they will have to strike me dead to keep me from killing you!" Nick had an absolute look 
of utter fear on his face. He knew I was beyond pissed, and he knew that if he made me want 
to go, Brian would go too...forever. He couldn't imagine losing his best friend, not to mention 
it would break the guys up. Kevin's face was pale white knowing what I meant to his cousin, 
and almost having a heart attack from what had happened. He knew love was the only thing that 
was strong enough. True love that is, to make Brian leave the group. He knew Brian and I were 
both serious, and he knew Nick had to do something quick, and he knew it had to be good. 
Kevin had just hoped that his aunt Jackie could help soften the mood and help Nick get thru my 
shell, she had always been good at reading into people. She was even better at getting people to 
soften up too. My rage had settled down a bit...I was still quite ticked at Nick, there were few 
lines that I would never cross, and for me, that bag was one of those line. I sat away from the 
group with Brian. I put my head on his shoulder, and he started to softly sing a nice song in my 
ear. Before I knew it the redness left my face, and I calmed down. I just wrapped him up, and 
waited to land. Nick did a good job of avoiding me as Jackie met us at the terminal, and the 
guys had a limo. Brian went with Jackie and I joined him. 

~~~~ Jackie's Car ~~~~
	"Mom, this is Jon. Jon this is my mom, Jackie." I looked at him, and he was being so 
improper. "Nice to meet you Ms." And she stopped me short. "Just Jackie." She smiled, she 
had this perky voice like nothing could bring her down. She seemed extra excited to have the 
guys home. But I couldn't help wondering if she knew who I was, what I felt for Brian, or what 
he felt for me. And I still had thoughts of strangling nick, as I started rummaging through my bad. 
I kept mumbling about if anything was missing. "Brian...we need to have a LONG talk with 
Nick" I said through my teeth and it was obvious I was quite mad. "Why Jon..what's wrong?" 
Brian said, and he got a look of fear on his face. "I said I'd give him another chance...he 
should have Told me he took something out. I don't know why I didn't just take that flight 
home!" Brian just gasped, and Jackie pulled her car over right away, and the limo was soon 
pulled over too. "What's missing Jon?" "One of my enchanted white candles. It took six hours 
to make each candle with the right energies, they are meant for a special purpose!" My face 
was going beat red again and my eyes were going black. Jackie realized this and saw she had to 
act fast. She whispered into Brian's ear. I didn't catch it all, I hear the calm him down I am 
taking care of this...but the rest was hazy as I got out of the car, and Brian went to stop me.
	I heard Jackie screaming at Nick. All the guys except Nick were oblivious. 
"Nick.where is it! Why did you take it!...You realize he is most definitely going home now 
right! I know what happened, and you realized he is coming out now, and I don't know if Brian 
can stop him this time. I don't know what all this enchanted stuff is about, but that candle was 
very special to him! Where is it!?!" Nick gave her the candle, but I still kept going at Nick. 
Brian was trying to pull me back, but I was dragging him, and Kevin went to help. I dragged 
both of them, as well as A.J as I headed straight at Nick. I balled my fists, and then I heard 
Brian in his pleading. All I caught was the last one. "Jon..leave it be..or leave me!" I 
stopped dead in my tracks. I knew what he said. I closed my eyes. I sat on the ground, and 
started chanting. It was all I knew to do at the time to calm down. I closed my eyes and 
pictured myself in a white box, as I began chanting to the god and goddess. As if I had gained 
the strength and the clairvoyance of  20 men, I sat up, lifting Kevin, Brian and A.J. off the 
ground. I walked straight over to the car, opened the door and grabbed my bag. I put my walk-
man on, and started walking. Having heard Jackie say where the house was, I started walking in 
the direction I thought it was, soon they let go of me, and Brian tried to keep up. I was fueled 
by anger. I was fueled by the negative forces I just the night before had expelled. After a few 
miles I saw Brian get into the car, and Jackie followed me the whole way. It was a good 20 
miles, and I know I needed to rest, but I refused, I'd get to the house, or pass out first. 
Unfortunately, the second came first as I dropped. I hear a car door open, I saw Brian, tears in 
his eyes, and my eyes closed asleep. It was all I could do was to grab his hand before I lost 
consciousness, and all the muscles in my body became loose and limp. Brian screamed at this 
thinking I died. He quickly got me in his mothers car, and they drove off. I came in and out of 
consciousness, as he kept a cold cloth on my forehead. He held my head in his lap, as I faded in 
and out of conciseness. Brian walked in the door, carrying me, and Jackie was close behind 
him. She quickly got ice water ready to keep on my head. Finally I had waken up. I was out of 
it, and was barely able to stay awake. And this was 3 hours after, it had to be at least midnight. 
I saw all the guys talking, Nick crying, Brian hovering over me, my head in his lap, keeping the 
cloth cold and on my forehead. He to was crying as he looked down at me. Jackie had a look 
of anger as she was screaming at him. I couldn't make out what she was saying though. I slowly 
opened my eyes a little bit and moaned from the pain that was all over my body. Brian looked 
down at me and smiled as all the guys stared at me. They all started asking questions, but  
couldn't make out their voices. My eyes were just opened like slits, enough to see a bit, but 
very little. I tried to talk, but I couldn't. In all the walking I made my throat hoarse. I groaned 
loudly as I raised my hands to my head, and covered my ears so they would get that I didn't 
understand them. Then on my throat so they would know why I wasn't talking. Brian kept up 
with the cold water, and Jackie had me drinking water...but I wore more than I was able to 
drink. I grabbed Brian's hand, and tried to say I love you...but no words came out. He saw 
what I was trying to say, but I couldn't hear what he said as I lost consciousness again.

~~~~ The Dream ~~~~
	My dream wasn't solid. It was a wave of different moments of my life. Quick flashes, 
long enough that I knew what they were, but not so long that I could do much about them. They 
were all of my mother and step dad. My step dad throwing me into (and a few times through) 
walls. Them calling me awful hideous names. And me trying to run from them. The more I ran, 
the more it hurt. The more I got away the closer they came and the louder they yelled. Then I 
saw the crash of the car accident again and I shot awake.

~~~~ Jackie's House ~~~~
	My eyes shot open, and my face was pale. I was reaching for something to grab on to 
to get up, but all I managed to do was fall on my face. I had been asleep all day, and Brian just 
stayed there holding me. I moaned from hitting the floor and the aching in my muscles. Fear was 
all I felt at that moment. I tried to get up, when I realized I couldn't, I tried crawling to what 
looked like the door. I didn't get to far before Brian was at my side and cradling me. He could 
see the fear on my face, and like a child I curled up into a ball and started shaking. He rocked 
me, and comforted me. He kept saying I was OK, he was there now. I finally realized where I 
was, and I was just a dream. Jackie came in with a big glass of water for me to drink. I drank 
the water, and my throat still felt hoarse, but I had to talk. I looked at Brian..in a weak and 
beat-up voice I started "I'm..sorry Brian. It was just a dream..and I am sorry what I did 
with the walking..I had to, it's the only way I can curve my anger and my temper. It was all 
I could do not to kill Nick...but I need my bag Brian." He got me my bag, and I got the 
candle Nick had taken. "Your about to see why this candle is so important." Kevin looked at 
the candle, saw the writing and knew what it meant. He wasn't Wiccan, but he had read books. 
My voice was too hoarse to call aloud the corners, so I did it in silence. I set up my alter, and in 
the middle, I lit the white candle with the runes. The smoke from the candle, as well as the 
smoke from the incents had started to flow at me. I closed my eyes and canted the spell silently, 
as the candle burned down. In my mind I went back to the white cube, envisioning a white light 
surrounding me. A small white aura became visible around me. It was faint, but the glowing was 
seen around my form, so they knew something was happening. After an hour, the candle burned 
down, and I opened my eyes. I had thanked the guardians, and I had drank the now full glass of 
water by my side. All the guys, and Jackie were enthralled with what was happening. After 
drinking the water I hugged Brian, and I coughed. I spoke up, loud and clear for everyone. "I 
am sorry I scarred you. That candle was a candle for healing, and all the stuff in my bag more or 
less is the same. They have a magical or personal purpose. Even the bag itself." I looked at 
Nick, and he looked at the floor. "Nick, I have very few sore spots. I can joke with the best of 
them, and I could care less what is said about me. The bag, and its contents are one place I 
draw the line...is that understood?" Now grant you we were the same age, but I was forced 
to grow up and be mature, so sometimes I sounded like a father rather than a kid. He shook his 
head and I walked over and gave him a hug "It's OK Nick, I'm not too mad anymore." He 
looked in my eyes, saw I was being honest and hugged back..but the others stared at me. 
"Did I miss something, why is everyone staring at me?" Kevin spoke up "Well a few hours ago 
you walked till you dropped, were unconscious, and couldn't move. Now your talking fine, 
walking fine as if nothing happened." "Well Kev, I cast a spell with that candle, as you can see, 
magic IS real. I am quite hungry tho, that's a slight draw back. You get nothing for nothing, and 
I used a lot of energy, so I usually get hungry afterwards. Other than that I am fine." I hugged 
Brian next, got a group hug, and lingered in Brian's arms. "It's OK Brian. It was a bad dream I 
had, and now I am fine, and well...but you know what I would love?" He just looked at me 
"What's that Jon?" I smiled devilishly. "Macaroni and cheese, and cheese pizza." Now I knew 
these were his favorites, and I also knew I wouldn't mind eating them, cause my stomach would 
be full, and he would be content. "Your lying Jon..but I know why you said it" He jus smiled 
as his mom walked into the kitchen and started cooking.
	The next day was a very calm day. We all just hung out and talked. I mainly rested on 
the couch in Brian's lap. By his mothers and his order of coarse. But hell I wasn't about to 
complain. We had explained to his mom how we felt for each other, but she just knew from 
before how Brian reacted to what had happened the whole time, and how I went from about to 
kill when Brian uttered a mere sentence. She knew it was the real thing, and she hugged us both. 
"Welcome to the family Jon. But you and Brian failed to tell me something, and now I only have 
a few days of shopping." Brian looked confused and I laughed. "OK Jackie, how did you 
know?" "Well Jon your license tells us your birthday is in a few days, on July second!" I smiled 
ear to ear, till Brian glared at me. "Why didn't you tell me Jon?" "Well Brian, this is the first year 
I have had a birthday without mom or dad. So I wasn't to thrilled with it. I was hoping it would 
go by and it could be like Easter and Christmas. I was just going to sleep through it so I didn't 
end up a wreck an crying through it." He looked at me and I knew he was planning something 
else. "Well were your family now" Jackie said "And your gonna have fun if it kills you!" Brian 
added. I rolled my eyes, as I really did hope the day would just pass. 
	We ended up just lounging around for the next 2 days before we flew out to  Boston. 
We had to do a mall thing, a photo shoot, and then the guys went to the next tour stop. Problem 
was, Brian avoided the subject of them leaving, and now we were in Boston. Our last day 
together. "Brian you have been avoiding this for awhile. I need to know what happens 
tomorrow." He looked at me, a tear in his eye. "I don't know Jon..why don't you come 
with us?" "Brian, I would give everything up I own, and go with you..." He looked at me 
"But..I knew there was a but coming." Brian said with a tear in his eyes. "yeah, your butt is 
what I want. But I can't tour with you.." Brian's eyes were flooding and it looked like his 
heart was broken in a thousand pieces. "But we have to find me a job on the tour. I refuse to be 
a free-loader, and I will need money. So if we find me a job, I'm all yours for the tour." His 
eyes bulged out and he hugged me tight. He knew they could find me a job. He knew that I 
would make a good body guard, Cause I wouldn't let anyone hurt the guys. "Jon How about 
being our personal Body Guard. Pay is great, And we all know you wouldn't let anything 
happen to us." I smiled "That's right, its my job to kill you guys" We both smiled and went into 
bed, knowing tomorrow was the first day of the rest of our lives...


TBC.or is it? Remember E-mail me. More e-mail means better stories. Tell me what you 
liked, didn't like. Tell me if you hated it and should scrap it and start over. More e-mail I get the 
quicker the next story will come out cause I will know what you want, Thanx for reading this is 
Jon, and have a wonderful day and/or night. Keep well, be safe, and Love your fellow Humans. 
Take what life gives you and do your best, and when someone belittles you, insults you, or tries 
to feel big by making you feel bad. Walk away. Be the bigger person. And when you succeed it 
drives them nuts cause try as they might, you're better, and you made something of yourself!

Personal note: OK I need the e-mail sent to Zelgadyss@hotmail.com for now. A lot of stuff just 
happened, and I may not be able to keep aol. The part about dad and his dream house was just 
dumped on me 2 days ago. So I may be looking for an apartment, and try to pay for school, 
and books, and insurance. So AOL may be something I have to cut L it may take a few days 
to receive answer's from e-mail, but as before I do promise I will answer them. Jon!