Date: Mon, 5 Mar 2001 10:40:38 EST
From: PHOENIXPUMA@aol.com
Subject: Brian's Seven Sea's of Loneliness 35

OK this is my first time at a story like this, I have read many from the
archive and loved them. This is about ME, MY life, and MY fantasies with
Brian Littrell and the BackStreet Boys. I am in no way implying anything
about the sexuality of the BackStreet boys, and if your not 18 GIT! Enjoy
and please send mail to Zelgadyss@Hotmail.com with good or bad comments on
the story.


Part 35: Life's ups and life's downs. What can one say. Just wanna shout to
all the people who have written to me, about this story and A MidSummer
Night's Kiss, the feedback is nice to see, in it's rarity, its better than
nothing. I am trying to write a bit more than in the recent past, but life
seems to disagree with that choice of mine. Plus I am trying to put some
time into my novel, and who knows, maybe in a year or so you'll see a book
with my name on it. Ya just never know what I'll do or where I'll be
next. Also, I am settled in my new Georgian home with a friend and her
family, but.WHERE ARE THE PEOPLE!!!  This place is so dead. I half expected
Savannah to have PEOPLE! Anyhow, I am done.  Later

P.S. Sorry about the last posting, it was all screwy, there was part 34 if
you scrolled down past 33.

Brian's 7 Sea's of Loneliness part 35
by Jon

As I laid on the couch I could tell that Brian was unhappy at the latest
revelations.  Yet what could I do. I sat there looking to the roof, knowing
I had to be honest with him, yet wondering if he could handle it. As these
thoughts ran through my head, his hand was resting on my right thigh and
gently squeezing it, as if to show he was there, and wasn't moving. He
started to look back at me, and I just let the walls start to fall a bit. I
looked back into his eyes and stared, hoping I could somehow find my
answers there. As if his eyes could mimic my heart, they too said `just
tell me.' "Brian?" My voice was quiet, and questioning, yet scared and
hidden at the same time. "Yup?" Was his simple answer.  `damn him for not
making this easy' was my only thought. "Well I guess I should start from
the beginning and get it all out. You comfortable, this could be awhile."
He just nodded his head, and motioned his hand to tell me he was ready for
me to continue. "Well, I need to be alone, yet that's not what I need if it
makes any sense. I need to be alone to figure out why things have happened,
and to sort out what has happened in the last 3 months. I need time to try
and get through it all, which is not easy. All I can see is everything
we've been through. Everything I've been through. See all my mistakes, and
wonder, if I never made them how things would be. If I never left and went
home after the island where we would be. If I had tried harder to work
things out where would we be. If I stopped looking so much at what was
coming, and started feeling what was here. If I put more trust in
myself. The insecurities I have, are mine. They have nothing to do with
you, with us, but about me. About what has happened to me in the past, and
getting by it.

Sex. to an extent scares me. It excites me. It confuses me. You make me
feel so many things when I am around you all at once, that I feel sex would
add to that, and throw me into over-load. Yet at the same time, my mind
wonders if you'll be leaving right after.  That scares me most of all. That
is just one part of things. On top of that, I can still feel them the night
we talked. I Can still feel their kicks and hear their shouts at me. I can
still feel the hate they felt for me, and wonder if it's still there. I
look at them, and all I see is hatred, and anger. All I feel is pain, and
anguish. I deserve it. I know I do. At the same time, I still think of my
mother. How I left, how I left her. Wondering if what I did was
right. Wondering if I will ever stop running and start dealing with
everything. Still while I am here, I want to run. Run from all the hurt and
pain, run from the other guys, run from everything that happened. I still
hear even your words "Stop tormenting me" over and over again as I try to
fall asleep, and I know why you said it. but I can't get over it." As I was
talking, a few tears had just welled up, yet there was more to say. Much
more, and no way to say them. My voice started cracking, my throat went
dry, and I couldn't go any further. My body refused, and my heart ached,
digging up all the old memories hurt, but then to hear myself ramble on
about mom showed me it still bothered me. And there was nothing I could do
about it now. As if I was forever going to wonder. I didn't realize how I
really felt about the whole situation. Perhaps I really HAD been wrong all
these years, and the other people were right.

Brian's arms seemed to tighten a bit, as the tears kept coming from my
eyes, and I could feel a few drops on my legs every now and again. I could
see a few other people there, but I couldn't realize who they were. I was
to deep into my thoughts and tears, but they must have been crying to,
because I heard a few sniffles. I felt Brian's arms running circles in my
back, as he absorbed everything in. "I thought you weren't coming back this
time. I thought you were running away from me. I had no idea all this time
it was yourself you were running from, and I am sorry if I ever pressured
you. If I had known. But I am here now, you are here now. We can do this
together. By the hand of god we can." I just shook my head slightly. "The
gods will all help, but they will not fix this. This is my own creation,
and therefore its on me to fix." Came my reply. I felt another hand on my
shoulder, and instantly my body shuddered. I could feel myself closing off
from the touch, reading for more abuse. My body tightened up, almost as if
to curl up again. The hand withdrew, but the voice kept coming. "No matter
what else Jon, you don't deserve what we did to you that night. You didn't
do anything wrong, all you did was be yourself. We are to blame, not you."
Kevin's voice seemed filled with hurt and pain, and I wanted to make his
pain go away. I shook my head no, disagreeing with him, and sat there. I
could see visions of different times with my mother, and my father. Some of
the good times I had seen with them both. My senses went numb, I couldn't
feel Brian there anymore. All I could feel was what was in my head.

************************************************************************

	It's a warm summer day outside. The sun shines away like something
out of a fairy tale. A small child sits upon a desk, with a small green
plastic chair and a small turtle in the center of the table. Its a small
school, with kids, all ages 5-6. It's a Kindergarten class, with lots of
animals on the wall and lots of children's toys lining the walls. A tall
lady approaches the teacher, receiving a report card. The teacher looks a
bit funny at the lady, as if sensing something wrong. The tall woman had
long dark brown hair, make up, and jeans with a nice shirt on. She looked
very prim and proper walking, and seemed to be a very upper-class
woman. The only things out of place on here, were a few tear stains and a
bit of a funny smell on her breathe. She gets his card, stating all the
things he had been learning, and seemed very pleased with what it
said. Within minutes she grabbed his hand, and was leading him to a car.
	The drive was short, and there was a construction yard before
them. "Were here mom!" The child yells, and bolts out of the car. He runs
over to the lady waiting there for them, and hugs here. Then runs inside
after she says something to him, and starts to eat.  They stay there for
what seems a few hours, the child at the table reading some comic or
another. Finally the tall woman returns. "OK Jon, let's get going." "OK
mom, I'm ready, bye Twig, see ya tomorrow!" She smiled and nodded, as the
two left.
	They got into the car, both buckling up, and drove off. It was only
a few minutes, but they seemed like an eternity. There was a loud crash
heard, and the sound of bones breaking, steel bending and snapping, and a
collision. Silence comes, and soon the child looks over.

************************************************************************

	I woke with a scream. Again these dreams were to plague me. It had
been a year since they had been too bad, and I had started getting used to
them not being there. I just grabbed my legs, as I was again alone on the
couch. I just got up and went to the bathroom I couldn't sit there, I
couldn't have people stare there at me. I closed the door, and turned the
shower on. I turned the water as hot as it would go, and stepped out of my
clothes. I closed my eyes and stepped into the water, ignoring the pain the
hot water was causing. Ignoring everything. I let the pain sensations take
over the mental sensations. I let the water coarse over my body, I could
feel every part of me getting hit with the hot spray. It was a welcomed
sensation after what I had just seen. It was enough to distract me from
what was in my head. It was enough to make me feel shut off. I stepped out
of the water, ignoring the fact that my skin was all beat red, and sore. I
dried off with a towel, ignoring the pain as much as I could, and I stepped
out of the bathroom. The Hall billowed with the steam from inside the
bathroom, and I could instantly feel the difference in temperature from the
bathroom to the main room. All I was wearing was a pair of athletic blue
shorts, and a baggy T-Shirt. My exposed arms and legs showed how hot the
water was, and my face as well. I looked like I had a sun-burn from head to
toe. I could see a few people looking at me. Gray gave me a funny look, as
if to ask what she had already known as true. She then had her own demons
to face. She was finally seeing for the first time, just what people saw
when she hurt herself. Now on a whole new level. She could see her friend
going into a deep and dark world she herself fought so hard to get out of.
	Without turning around to look at what was going on, without
acknowledging the people there, I walked off into the bunks and laid
down. I turned to face the ceiling. I knew that I wasn't going to fall
asleep, I knew I wasn't going to be resting, and I knew it wouldn't be long
before.. "Jon?" Brian's voice came into the bunk as he moved the sheet
separating it. I could feel the heat radiating off my body and out into the
air, no doubt he could as well. "Yes Brian?" Brian took this as a good time
to crawl into the bed, and put his arms around me. I winced slightly at the
touch on my sore skin, but still tried to curl up into his body. My face
buried itself in his neck, and just lay there. Letting the scent go in,
letting everything sink in, and letting life sink in. I could sense the
worry on his face, I could feel the worry on him like it was a thick drab
coat. But there was nothing I could do to ease his worries. Even if I told
him not to worry, he would, and likely twice as much. I started mumbling
the first thing that came to mind

"Everytime our eyes meet.
This feeling inside me
Is almost more than I can take.

Baby when you touch me
I can feel how much you love me.
And it just blows me away

I've never been this close to anyone.. Or anything
I  Can hear your thoughts. I can see your dreams

I don't know how you do what you do
I'm so in love with you.
It just keeps getting better.

I wanna spend the rest of my life'
with you by my side
forever and ever.

Every little thing that you do
baby I'm amazed by you.

The smell of your skin.
The taste of your kiss.
The way you whisper in the dark
You Hair all around me
Baby you surround me.
And touch every place in my heart.
Oh it feels like the first time, every time
I wanna spend the whole night, in your eyes."

Brian looked into my eyes, and I tried to force, a small, if existent
smile. As I looked into his eyes, I could feel my heart calming, and I
could feel my thoughts lighten. It was almost as if the key to the universe
was held within the space between us. Or lack of space. The closer he was,
the better I would feel. I knew I had to deal with all of this.  ALL of
it. Really deal with it. I also knew it was going to be easier to do it
with his help and not alone. Could I put that much strain on a new
relationship? Was it really new, or had we picked up where we left off?

************************************************************************

	"How could I think he was over it already Nick? How could I have in
good conscience even REMOTELY believe he had been over what had happened. I
should have realized sooner it was still hurting him. He said when he looks
at us, he still hears what was said, and feels hatred from us. He must
think we hate him. He said he deserved it.  He never. we wouldn't." Kevin's
mind was going at an enormous speed, and he was slowly starting to break
down in Nick's arms. All Nick could do was to be there, and Help Kevin deal
with his demons. Part of him. a small part deep down. wondered what had
possessed the guys that night. Where their common sense was, and most of
all, how were they all going to get past it.

TBC. And there lies the next chapter. One more time, I want to apologize
about the mix up with the last posting. Hope to be writing more in the near
future. Look for me on A MidSummer Night's Kiss, and as more comes with the
novel You'll Know. -Jon