Date: Fri, 28 Sep 2001 13:18:44 EDT
From: IPhoenixPumaI@aol.com
Subject: Brian's 7 sea's of loneliness 37-38

OK this is my first time at a story like this, I have read many from the
archive and loved them. This is about ME, MY life, and MY fantasies with
Brian Littrell and the BackStreet Boys. I am in no way implying anything
about the sexuality of the BackStreet boys, and if your not 18 GIT! Enjoy
and please send mail to IPhoenixPumaI@aol.com or Zelgadyss@hotmail.com with
good or bad comments on the story.

Part 37: One of these chapters I will post on time. I swear! ANYHOW, here
goes another chapter of the Seven Sea's. Hope yall look for me in A
MidSummer Night's Kiss, and These Reminders of You (TRoY). Hope to hear
from SOMEONE, anyone. Feedback has been thin here. Anyhow glad to be
writing this again, things are kinda hectic here, but I am still writing,
worry not.. And without further ado, here goes.

Brian's 7 Sea's of Loneliness
part 37 by Jon


	The day went by, the phone rang about five times before I finally
shut the ringer off. Now I had that annoying message light on. I just
rolled over and ignored it. I was in no mood to deal with anyone at the
moment. Right then, all I wanted to do was be left alone. No one to bother
my thoughts, no one to bother my space. Well maybe not no one.  Ignoring
the message light on my phone, I started to dial room 123. As the phone
rang, I hoped Brian would answer his own phone, the last thing I
needed. "Brian's room."  Came Nick's voice. `this is all I need' was all I
could think. "Is Brian Available?" I asked in the nicest tone I could
manage at the moment. "He's. in the shower." I could hear the moment of
delay in his voice. I knew he was there. Either he didn't want to talk to
me, or I was hearing things. "OK Nick" As I was hanging up I heard his
voice "Jon want to." and I laid the phone in it's cradle.
	The day passed slowly, the night edged on. Someone knocked very
gently on my door. It was past midnight, so I looked through the
peephole. I saw Brian there. behind him I saw the other guys waiting. None
looked happy. "Yes?" I answered the knock. "It's Brian. can I come in and
talk?" I looked at the door. I knew this trick, I open the door, they all
rush in before I could close them out. "Brian, I know this bit, you want me
to unlock the chain, open the door so all five of you can rush in and me
not be able to stop you. Yes I saw them all standing there, no I don't want
them all in here. If you'd like to come in that's fine, anyone else wants
in, I will just walk out the door. And before ANY of you get the idea you
can force me to stay here, ask Kevin what happened when he tried it, and
remember I was in a good mood then!" I walked slowly over to the door, and
looked out. It was just Brian and Nick. So I undid the chain, and opened
the door. I eyed Nick as he entered too. "What are you doing Nick?" Nick
looked back. his eyes looked almost bloodshot. "I came in to talk to you
too, as a friend, and as the friend of a friend." I just backed off, and
let him in, closing the door behind us. I didn't bother with the locks, I
figured if one of the other guys REALLY wanted in at the moment, they would
just have Nick or Brian open the door anyhow.
	I looked over at Brian, as he sat on the bed. Nick sat on a chair,
and I sat with Brian on the bed. "What's up?" I asked Brian. "Funny you
should ask that, we wanted to ask you the exact same thing." I just
nodded. "I guess you'd be here for an explanation. I've just been feeling
claustrophobic lately. Everywhere I turn there are people. A LOT of
people. and there are people around that are trying to get close to me to
get close to you. McDonalds was just the perfect example. Instead of
telling me the price of my food, the girl said one autograph from Nick,
THAT'S why I told her, and her manager what I thought about it. Lately I
get calls till all hours of the night for interviews.  People want to talk
about the murder trial, and where was I. They want to know about me from
the island, they want to know why I am always around. They want to know why
I bailed the guys out of the trial. How can I answer question's I've been
asking myself?  THEN the people I WANT around me, can't even look me in the
eyes anymore for whatever reason. The theory of alone time, is all but
gone. hell I can't even spend a day with just Brian, it's a group event. I
love being with you all, but I am used to being alone. hell I am still
getting used to having a boyfriend and getting over the feeling of
rejection I get when HE touches me. When I hug him, I have to fight the
bile down my throat. Not because of anything he did, but because of what
has been done to me. Being alone all the time, I have to adjust to being
with people. And I need space. Sometimes I need a lot of space. And I am
being nice. Think of what I would have done to AJ if I didn't know him, or
know his intentions were good. I'd likely have torn him apart from the
floor up."
	Both just nodded at me. "Plus I don't even know what happened the
night I was "killed." I was talking to Brian, things got too intense. I was
ready to start over. but I needed things to go slowly, and I needed things
to be at a pace I could handle. At first I was going in to tell him we need
to just be friends. I wanted to be civil to him. even if he had hurt me so
badly. Still I'm hurt, emotionally. I know that 3 people I trusted with my
life nearly took it. and one. ONE was on trial for it." Nick tried to cut
in, but I shook my head for him not too. "I called the rest of you, asking
for help in the hospital. Each one rejected me. each one hanging up on
me. I handled that. Brian's words cut through my soul like a hot knife
through melted butter. I was devastated. Had I not heard there was a trial
going on at the courthouse on the news in Gwen's mom's car, I'd have never
come.  They didn't think I should go either. They had no idea I was the guy
you were charged with killing. On top of all that, I go to my room, and I
was disoriented. and people were everywhere. that's another good time that
I needed to be alone. See every time I need to be alone, someone decides
otherwise for me, and I can't be like that. Then when I need people, no one
is there."
	Brian let a tear trickle down his cheek as he grabbed me into a
hug. Again I was shaking off the negative feelings. I knew they'd be there,
but the love I felt in his arms made it more than worth the ickyness. Nick
shook his head in understanding. I rubbed Brian's back, and then I motioned
Nick over into the hug. I knew he and I were close, and he felt almost as
dejected as Brian. "So you see?" Both just nodded their heads. "You need to
talk to them Jon. let them know what's on your mind. Kevin knows already,
and he is torn up over it. That's why he can't look at you in your eyes. he
heard you talking to Brian." Nick just stopped there figuring he didn't
need to go further. I just looked at the ground, and Brian's eyes
registered the realization of what Kevin must have heard.  "Jon even if you
did yell at him, beat him, blow up on him, it would be better than what
things are like now. he knows you think you deserved what happened, but the
truth is, you didn't. you had every right to be where you were, and you
were done wrong. That's not your fault. You need to stop carrying other
people's loads. you need to let us take our share in the responsibility of
things. Your bottling everything up now, and your blowing up, pushing
people away, and most of all, your pushing yourself away. that's not
helping you, or what happened." I just shook my head at Nick. "Why
bother. What will it accomplish? What will it do. I will just vent my
problems on them, and find out stuff that will hurt me more, and hurt them
in the process. Besides, I'd rather be alone. Nice dark room, peace and
quiet. In death comes peace, and tranquillity. Besides, so long as I hold
the pain, no one else suffers from it. I bare the loads I bare by choice. I
keep it in to protect those around me, and to protect myself. If I were to
start letting things out, I doubt I could stop at what happened. It would
all start leaking out. all of it. I don't want that out, that is my
pain. That is pain caused by other people, why should you all have to sit
through it, and be a part of that which you never created, you weren't
around to know to stop. Why should I make my living hell into all of
yours. I can handle the breakdowns, I can handle the depression, hell I can
even handle the loneliness. I can't however handle hurting the people
around me, I can't handle baring myself to everyone. There are things in my
past that when I told you, things could never be the same. When you find
out the piece of used up trash I am, you'll run away as fast as that bus
could take you."
	Nick just looked over to me, and smiled. "I'm not going anywhere,
neither is Brian." I just closed my eyes, and let a tear fall. I opened my
mouth to tell them out, get them away. I knew they were getting too
close. but that's not what came out. From no where, my voice was raising
"So you want to know what happened, FINE!" my voice was yelling at them
"You want to know how I was beat to a bloody pulp DAILY, or how about how I
was called a waste of human flesh and fat ass DAILY! Don't like that? How
about how my step dad, being 6'8 RAPING me, while my mother did NOTHING!
Getting a better idea who I am yet?!? I am a kid whose been beaten, raped,
and thrown away like trash by people who were SUPPOSED to love him. My
family left me alone, and I was alone for all intents and purposes. I meet
you guys and things SEEM to change. SEEM being key here since 3 out of 5
TRIED to KILL me! NOW if you'll excuse me, I have someplace to be, ANYWHERE
else to be. I was there they beat me. So I did deserve it. It made them
feel good, empowered, well here goes, YOUR ALL BETTER THAN THIS PIECE OF
TRASH!" With that I walked out the room, grabbing my bag on the way out,
and slipping my walkman on. The tears flowing freely went unchecked. The
look on my face was hurt, anger, frustration, and pain all molded into
one. My eyes blurred where I was going, yet my pace only got faster. I
walked out of the hotel room, and I just kept walking, and going and
going. I had no idea where to go, what to do, I just knew I had to get out
of there, and I needed to walk around. I needed to clear my head of the
images invading it. I could still see him, his mustache, his smell. God I
remembered that smell.  Drakar mixed with old spice. And his voice, was
nothing short of terrorizing. I could remember what he looked like in the
dark coming at me. I could remember him in the light coming at me. I could
see his face on everyone that walked by. I kept walking, a bit faster with
each person I saw, with each person I bumped into I saw him.
	Even the dogs seemed to have his essence right then. I was running
away, yet I was getting closer to what I was running away from. I was
become the hermit I tried so hard to get away from, I was running right
down the alley I wasn't wanting to run down.  The streets seemed to get
darker, as I went in further to the city. or out of the city, it seems I
walked. I felt like I was a ghost, running through life, watching it as an
outsider.  Always reaching out for what I want, and having my hand go
through it when I get there.  It seemed as if, no matter how hard I tried,
I would be that specter, always watching life from the outside in, instead
of the inside looking out. I remember watching the sun rise, in some
unobtrusive area of town. I remember just watching the orange hues, and
purple and red lights flying through the sky. "Well a new day has begun,
and no mistakes yet" was whispered from an old lady pushing a cart. She
stopped by me. "Excuse me?" I asked her, confused about what she said. "You
look so sad young child. It's a new day, you've made no mistakes
yet. everyone gets the new day. Make it a good day, Kindred Spirit."  She
smiled, and walked off down the street collecting cans, and bottles to turn
in for money.
	I smiled, and I waved to her, as I started to walk back the way I
came. OK it was a half smile, but for me, that was as good as it got. I was
glad this was a day off, I couldn't afford to miss work, not at the moment
anyhow. I saw all the stores opening, and the bakery's start stocking the
shelves. There was this one small bakery that smelled, and looked a lot
like the one I grew up by. I walked in, and the aroma hit me 10 fold. I was
absorbed in it. As I walked in, I saw a huge line, growing behind me by the
second as I joined into the mass of people. I softly asked the lady in
front of me "Is this the hot spot, so many people for such a small bakery."
She smiled at me. "You must be new in town.  This is an Italian family
bakery, best bread, best prices in town. They make it all themselves, and
sell it hot." I smiled and nodded, as I started taking count of the amounts
of breads I would need. After 2 hours of waiting in line for fresh bread, I
walked to a deli, got meats, mayonnaise and the other fixings for hoagies.
	As the sweat started to drip from my shirt and pants, my head
covered, I could see the hotel in sight. I started to walk a little faster,
I knew the guys all had their rehearsal today, to go over the past few
nights concerts. I made my way into the room, and started unloading the
bags on my bed. I started a steaming shower, and let the rooms all flood in
the steam it created. As I slipped out of my wet clinging clothes, and
tossed them aside to be laundered, I let the steam over-take me. The
feeling was heavenly. The "bag" lady was right. It was a brand new day, no
mistakes, no broken promises, and no one around.
	As the grime from the past night feel from my body with the soap, I
felt the dirty feelings fall down the drain with the water too. After an
hour in the shower, I stepped out, dried off, and got some new clothes out
of my bags. The smell in the room was strong. It was the smell of the fresh
bed coming from the bags on the bed. I smiled, set up the table in my room,
and made 8 large hoagies. I made them all different, each to the taste of
the guy it was meant for. After the sandwiches were wrapped in cling wrap
and then tin foil, I started to put them in the room refrigerator of the
appropriate person. I stuck mine with Brian's, in his room, and then closed
the door. I went back into my room, grabbed some candles, holders, and
votive candles. I stuck them all into a plastic bag, and picked up my cell
phone. `are these things too convenient or what?' was all I could think of
as I dialed the phone. <ring> <ring> "Brian's Phone" Came Kevin's voice, I
tried to work myself into a nice, calm voice thinking `doesn't anyone
answer their own phones anymore. "Hey Kev, is Brian around?" Kevin paused
for a minute. "He's actually with the choreographer right now. can I help
you with something?" I looked at the phone. "Nope, it's all good Kev, talk
to ya later." As I was hanging up I could hear Gwen's voice start to come
over the phone. I wasn't sure what she said. I just walked back to Brian's
room.
	I started to put candles anywhere they would fit. On the window
sills, on the balcony, by the bed on the tables around the room. The
dresser, all were being stocked. I put 2 candles alone on the main table,
with dinner mats, and wine flutes, napkins, and all the proper set ups for
a nice romantic dinner. I slipped in Earth Healers into the CD player. I
set the plates, got out the bucket of ice, and put some wine to keep it
chilled. It was 2 hours before I was finished setting up the room. I pulled
out the cell again, this time I dialed Kevin's number. "Kevin's Cell" came
Brian's voice. I smiled. "Doesn't anyone answer their own phones anymore?"
I was trying to be cute. "Yeah sometimes. Let me get you Kevin." Brian's
voice seemed. aggravated, As I was thinking this, Kevin's voice came into
the phone. "What's up Jon?" I smiled. at least over the phone he could talk
to me. "Not too much, hey when is rehearsal over?" Kevin stopped, obviously
thinking, as he stumbled over the words. "Well I guess it's over now, Nick
is just finishing up on the stage." "Cool Beans I guess I will see ya later
then." I smiled, the timing was too perfect.  Kevin gave me a generic
good-bye as I hung up. I struck a long match, and started to light all the
candles, and incents throughout the room. After that I cut the sandwiches,
and put them on the plates, poured 2 glasses of wine, and sat at the
table. I looked down at what I was wearing. a pair of shorts and
T-shirt. not really conducive to a romantic evening, so I ran back to my
room, threw on some gray dockers, a nice shirt, and went back into Brian's
room, sitting down at my chair to wait for him to get back.

Brian's 7 Sea's of Loneliness part 38 by Jon

	The candles throughout the room had all burned down to nothing, and
the incents had long since smoldered out. Still their scent hung in the
air. A figure, draped on the chair, asleep, is hit with a few strands of
light. Voices seem to be going about, commenting on the smell of the room,
as the 5 men enter into it. All talking about the night passed. All seemed
to be smiling, all seemed to be happy. The light switch was thrown, and the
figure in the chair jumped. Everyone looked around the room in wonder, and
in amazement. Picturing how things must have looked hours ago.
	I looked up at the 5 of them, singling out Brian. "Surprise". My
voice was disappointed, and I know it could be heard when I said it. "Have
a good night?" I asked, waiting for the resounding yes's to come pouring
out. Waiting to hear about some night at some club in some new
city. Nothing came. No one spoke. "Wow 12:00 AM, guess I should be heading
to bed, goodnight guys." I got up, and started for the door, the clothes
not showing a wrinkle for the amount of time in the chair. I walked over,
hugged Brian, waved at the others. As I was getting to the door, Kevin
closed it. I looked at him, perplexed. not sure where this was going, not
sure I liked it either. I felt. trapped. I raised a single eye-brow at
Kevin, waiting for his explanation. "Why don't we all sit and talk Jon?" I
shook my head no at Kevin and went to the door knob. "Please?" Came his
voice. almost desperate. "why Kevin, what is there to talk about?" He just
looked back, slow in his response. "A lot actually." Came Brian's
voice. tentative, but audible. I sat back in the chair I had just vacated
moments before, and gestured to them all, to let whomever wanted to start
this, to go ahead and start it. "Jon I guess we should start with last
night. We are all worried about you. Not just Brian. Were a family here." I
just shook my head at Kevin, perfectly cutting him off. "No Kevin, my
family disowned me.  Family is a word that gets thrown around too lightly
these days, along with love. So perhaps you should rethink your speech,
cause I'm not sitting through another "family" speech." Kevin seemed taken
aback a bit. Brian started then. "Jon we are all worried about you as
friends, friends who sometimes replace the family you've lost, or maybe
never had.  No matter the case, were all here. We don't want you to run
away from us, or to keep things bottled up from us. We want to get
everything out in the air. You may think your a piece of used up trash, but
one man's trash is another man's treasure, And to us, you are that
treasure. I don't think your a piece of trash, even if you do." I just
looked at him.  "Why didn't you tell me you were planning something tonight
When we talked Jon, I would have had Brian come home to change before we
went out, or to get something to get him here. we didn't think you wanted
to be social, so we decided to go out tonight."  Kevin seemed at a loss as
to what to say other than that. "Well, if I told you what I was planning,
Brian would have been told, and that would have ruined the surprise. You
all have a surprise in your rooms, a nice dinner waiting for you, and
whomever you wish to share it with. Candles and plates on the tables, set
up for 2 and 4 in the respected rooms for you all and Gray and Gwen. That's
going to have to wait for another night I guess.  as for this surprise,
it's sprung. Now if you don't mind, I'd like to go to sleep, and forget I
tried this." "I mind" Came Brian's voice. Followed by the others. "Care to
explain why?  There's nothing more here to do, the candles are gone, the
incents are burned, and the timing is ruined." I was looking straight at
Brian, and he at me. "Maybe, but that doesn't explain where you went last
night, why you went last night, and we all don't know anything about where
we all stand. Me and Nick have some clue as to what's going on, but the
others don't, and I think it's time we all came clean. Starting with me. I
love you, not for the person you want to be, not for the person you almost
are, and not for the person you used to be. I love you for the person you
are. Here and now. I love you for all you are, all your dreams, all your
hopes, but moreso for all you are, and all you mean to me."
	With that Said Kevin spoke. "I'm ashamed of myself. Both for what I
did to you, and what I still do to you. For not looking at you, for letting
you think al this was your fault. For not looking and for just beating. I
can't know all you've been through. unless you let me. All I know is, I
will never forget that night. I will never forget the pain I have caused
you, and I will never forget what I almost lost. a friend, in the truest
since of the word, and what the world almost lost. at my hands." AJ then
spoke in "At our hands. It wasn't just Kevin. He was taking the
fall. protecting us," AJ just looked over to Kevin with a thoughtful gaze
"Just like he always has." Howie started to talk "I almost lost something,
I never truly realized I had. A rare jewel, a friend. I knew I had that,
but I never realized what a true friend I had in you. Till I thought I lost
it. Then I realized what I had done, and what I couldn't undo. No matter
how much money I had, I could never undo that mistake. And I will live with
that thought for my life." Nick picked up where Howie left off, as if part
of the same thought. "My best friend. That's what I remember thinking, as I
screamed at them to dial 911. I remember thinking I would never see your
face, mad at me for doing something stupid. Or see the joy on your face,
when something so small. so unthought of by most people was done for
you. Or that look in your eye, hiding, and shielding us all from some deep
hidden pain, that you refuse to let us in on. I walked the dam, and I lit
the candles. Yet all I could think of was what I was losing.  Besides you,
I was losing Kevin. I thought I was going there to say good-bye to you, but
instead I was saying good-bye to a part of myself, that even with your
return, I will never get back. It was selfish, and I know that, but I
didn't know how to deal with everything.  So I went to the one place you
said you always went. I was there all night, and into the morning. But I
can remember feeling things, hearing things, and seeing your smile. I never
thought I would see that smile. Even now, I'm not so sure that I will. Let
me in Jon, let me help you, let me into your world."
	I sat there, I let the single tear escape my eye, listening to them
all let me into the pain that they were holding. They were all looking at
me, waiting for me to open up. "I fear. I fear being hurt. I fear letting
you all into my world. If you only knew what everyone else there has done,
if you only knew where I came from, where I've been, either you'd all just
look at me with pity in your eyes, or run so fast you could pretend you
never heard it.  I don't know that I could handle either. I'm so afraid
that if I let you in Brian, your going to leave just like the rest of the
people I have known. I'm afraid to let the rest of you in, letting you see
what I have seen, and watching you walk away. It's easier for me to walk
away. Easier for me to cut things off. Then it's my fault. I control it. I
leave, then it's my choice. if you all leave me, then there is nothing I
can do, nothing to make the emptiness go away. That scares me most. Being
alone. by force, and not by choice. For so many years, I looked on at
people from the shadows. Coming out only when I was needed to help someone,
only coming out long enough to help someone else along, then slink back
into the shadows before they get too close, before they know too
much. Knowledge leads to pain in my life. The more people know, the less
they want to know. The more they realize, the less they want to see me. I
don't know that I could handle that again, so I always leave people at arms
length." I didn't realize I was crying, and I didn't see people moving, but
soon they were all hugging me. The night went on, each taking turns baring
things bothering them, each telling the others of what was hurting them. I
spent my turns telling them of how I felt about recent events, and letting
them in a bit deeper into my world. I recited a poem I wrote but a year
ago, yet I remembered it word for word.

"In front of you, lies a man.  Strong and courageous, helpful where he can.
In front of you lies, a man of the truth.  Respecting all others where ever
he goes.  In front of you lies, a man with a heart.  A heart that has been
broken, shredded apart.  You see a big man, strength is assumed.  No
expression on his face, which leaves you to assume...  All must be well,
all must be Merry.  For after all, tis the season to be it.  But what lies
beneath is far from that man.  Whose heart has been taken, and forever
damned!  The depths of love, seemed endless indeed, Save when it came, for
love to be his steed.  No one to carry away, no love to be shared.  His
heart full of loneliness, full of dispair.  What lies beneath, is an old
tattered soul.  Beaten and battered, tortured and all.  When things go all
wrong, and he looks to his side, All that is seen is the pain he must hide.
Opened up to few people indeed, Let fewer still, into his tiny world.  For
what lies beneath was a frail little child.  Scared of the world, and hurt
by the mile.  Yet true to the ones, who gained access he was.  Loving and
careful, his heart full of love.  Yet a knife seemed to follow, by all led
to this place.  And the pain in his eyes, never has been replaced.  Strong
on the outside, for the world to see.  Won't be the target, won't let them
see that fear is the key.  Yet what lies beneath, the child dies slowly.
The last dagger embedded so deep and so lowly.  The last one let to the
world, has gone out.  Hacking and cleaving, killing what was about.  Never
once knowing, not turning to see.  The door always open, forever their
free.  But hatred and anger, jealousy and rage, Taken out on that child, No
one could gauge.  Letting forth one last howl, The pain to harsh to endure,
Turning the key, thus locking the door.  Shields fly up, like a wall in the
night.  Barriers were broken, back up within sight.  1 step forward, and 10
steps behind.  The child has fallen, the last blow been denied.  They bring
him pain, and tear him apart.  But won't do him the grace of finishing him
off.  Forever he stumbles, looking to care.  Yet those whom he
finds... often leave him more fear.  Till what lies beneath, a shell of a
man, Who now walks through life, Forever Damned."

	Their faces were. indescribable. It was as if, for the first time,
they finally understood where I was coming from. And for a brief few
minutes they knew why I hid so far away from people, away from the
world. As if they finally had a glimpse of what it was like to be
me. Perhaps they did have a glimpse. I slowly walked over to the bed,
Brian's bed, and laid down. I felt as if the last of my energy had been
spent in the reciting of that poem. I remembered where I was when I wrote
that. What I was feeling, what I was seeing, what I was doing. I remembered
how it felt to finally find a voice for that which I felt. I closed my
eyes, as I felt Brian lay with me. I curled into his body, as close as I
could. I felt his arm encircle my waist as his other gently stroked my
hair. I heard him fill in the guys on what he and Nick had heard just the
night before I left. I remember seeing their faces from where I lay. I
remember the gasps as they all heard what I had yelled at Brian and Nick. I
remembered how I felt at that moment, I still felt that way. They were
above me. It wasn't a thought I liked. I remember thinking that about so
many people in my life. It was as if I was beneath every human. I watched
them watch me. "What makes you think your beneath us Jon?" It was Howie. I
think. It sounded like him. "You all have such important lives. So many
people look up to you, and so many people hang on your words. If something
happened to you, everyone in the world would know. if something happened to
me, no one would know. All I am is a body guard. I do a job anyone could
do. I don't have anything important here, I've done nothing to be someone
important, I've done nothing spectacular with my life. I've done nothing to
stand out, or to raise me above anyone else. If anything, I've done the
opposite. I've bowed down, so that other people can stand out, lifted other
people into the sunlight, and just stayed in the darkness. Just being happy
that others have what they needed and or wanted out of life.
	Howie just came closer, taking one knee, and stroked my back. "And
that is what makes you stand out, and makes you so special. There are so
many people out there just looking for the almighty dollar, looking out for
"number 1" instead of looking for things for yourself, you look for things
to make others happy. Like tonight, you didn't have to make us all special
dinners, and a romantic evening in our rooms for with whom we could spend
it. You could have just fixed up Brian's room. and even that is
special. You did it for him, more so than for your own happiness. People
may not notice these things. but it is all a part of who you are, and why
you are special. If you were like the rest of the world, do you think we'd
all want you around? We'd be too afraid to be ourselves, too afraid you'd
run to the press. Yes we may have people hang onto our every word, but that
gets tired, real quick. But you, you are free. Like a bird, you fly to the
places you feel safe, and welcome. You go to places, and see things, for
the joy of seeing them. You do things, for the joy of doing it, not for
what you can get out of it. You wear clothes that are comfortable, not
flashy or expensive. You do things, looking at how they will affect the
long run, not how they will affect the here and now. You go to places. like
the dam.  How many people could spend hours there and be happy? How many
people would rather be there than an amusement park? How many people take
the time to revel in the simple things in life. THAT makes you
special. Because that is what makes you who you are.  Nothing anyone can
say, or do can ever take that from you. And that my friend makes you better
than us. Not the other way around." The guys nodded at what Howie was
saying.  Agreeing with their action.
	Brian looked me square in the eyes. "Now do you see. You may think
your just one person to this world. to this person, and the others
here. you are the world. Maybe you aren't on the cover of all these
magazines, and maybe your not in the eyes of every person. But you are in
my eyes, and I care about you. And I would know if something happened to
you. If you look around, you would see, your special for all the things you
are. Not for all the things your not."

TBC. and I will leave you all with those words. See to this world, if
you've touched one person, one heart, one soul, then you've done a lot more
than you will ever know. For every person that person touches, and the
people they touch help, you will be there. In an underlying tone. It's all
cause and effect. We can either be the cause, or the effect. You can be the
cause for celebration, even with the few people around you, or you can be
the effect, wallowing alone in self pity and regret. As we have all seen in
the past few days, especially here in America, what 1 man, or 2 men do, can
affect the lives of millions. One decision, one thought, can change the
world for so many. So now it's time to wonder where you lay. Are you the
cause for joy and happiness, or the effect of what happens when there is
none. Do you strive to better yourself and others, or do you strive to put
others down, so for a moment, a glimpse, a flash in time you can feel
better. Maybe now is a good time to sit down, and look at how things are,
and see where things are going.  Maybe life is not what you want, maybe
your not where you want to be. Maybe now is time for change. Or maybe now
is the time to relish in the joy you have instilled in others, and remember
the good times, and the times you said you'd never forget. Revel in the
people you know touched you somehow, some place, somewhere. Remember,
always chase your dreams, for that's what keeps us going, always keep hope
alive in your heart, and always remember, to the world, you could be one
person, But to one person you may be the world.