Date: Thu, 8 May 2003 09:12:17 EDT
From: ShadedPhoenix@aol.com
Subject: Brian's 7 Sea's of Loneliness

Disclaimer: the usual applies, I don't know them, I never have, likely
never will. I don't know their sexuality and if they were gay... do you
think I'd share?!? Anyhow, if you shouldn't be reading this... you
will... don't get caught. If you like it, lemme know ShadedPhoenix@aol.com,
if not lemme know why, same address.

	Another Posting less than a year away... wow... go me!!! Anyhow
here it is, here we go, have fun, enjoy and email me. To the new readers
who emailed me of late, thanks, its good to know I have a few readers
still... Yuli, if your still out there e-mail me gurl! I tried mailing you
and nothing came back ? also... I have been ignoring the Wiccan path that
jon is on... and as it has become much more of my life.. you will see more
in the story.

P.S. Kleenex Issue -- you've been warned

Brian's 7 Sea's of Loneliness
Part 41 by Jon

	I sat and read some of my book. Well... I tried to. It had bee 4
hours, and I was only one page further than when I started. To the guys
credit, I hadn't heard a peep from anyone. Not the girls... I heard them on
the bus visiting... but they left me be. Either they were learning to give
me space, Gracie had stepped in, or Brian had. Regardless, I had the space
I needed for the day to process things. I'd like to say when I opened that
door I was ok with everything, that I had forgiven Brian, and I was ok with
his not being there... but I wasn't. I wish I could say I came to terms
with what happened... again I hadn't. I felt somehow dirty and wrong about
it. That's one of the main reasons sex was an issue with me... it made me
feel dirty to think about. Practicing it seemed to make it worst in the
little ways I had.
	I noticed the girls were gone... and I noticed 5 sets of eyes on
me. Three from the living room area, and two from the kitchen. I had no
idea what to say to them, so I shrugged, gave one of the patented could be
worst half smiles that were forced, and sat down still being quiet. I was
working on the silence being the better part of valor... I wasn't sure what
I could say to anyone to appease them since it wasn't easy to express what
I was feeling. So I just sunk into the chair in hopes it would be a quiet
evening. I watched Brian and Nick playing the game Brian was obviously
better at; well I was looking in that direction anyhow. I was looking
through the TV not at it. Kevin sat beside me, and gave me a hug in an
attempt to at least be there... and I leaned into him.
	I felt like I was sinking into him. He was like the big brother I
should have had...  one who cared. My own was nothing like that, in the end
he was as cruel and vicious as mom. It still amazed me that after all this
time... all the things I had done, places I had been... they still got to
me. In dreams I saw them, I still thought about them... usually when I was
feeling down on myself they were in my thoughts, and not lifting those
feelings.
	As I sank further into him, I could feel the tears coming, I don't
know if he saw them as I wasn't shuddering, they were tears but cold
tears. Not frantic sobbing tears. I doubt any of them would understand if I
told them what I was going through... which shouldn't have stopped me
considering the last year of sharing. But it was increasingly hard to share
much more of my past, and these were things they never had to deal with.
They had their families still... and they were supported. It was times like
this I missed the stability of a non-moving home, missed my meditation
room, missed the family I never had... and didn't know how to express what
I was feeling outside of need. What Brian did added to that feeling of
abandonment right now... I wanted to curl into him... but I felt I would be
sick if he touched me right now.
	I turned around, crawling up into Kevin's lap in a ball and let the
tears come. At first, he felt a bit rigid and uncomfortable... but it was
only a few minutes before his hand was gently rubbing my back. Likely right
about the time when the wetness went through his shirt and he realized I
was crying. I knew I had been in Kevin's lap at least an hour...  and
though I really didn't want him to, I was shocked Brian hadn't even made
the attempt to try and help me... I'm not sure if it hurt more, or if it
made me angrier. Hearing the game off... I was slowly getting a bit more
miffed. I looked up at Kevin with my puffy red and stinging eyes, he knew
something was bothering me. He just had that look in his eyes like he
wished he knew what it was. So I whispered to him with a dry throat "Where
did Brian go?" Somehow I knew I wouldn't like the answer. I just knew I
shouldn't have asked. "He's in the back room." Kevin said, sympathy on his
voice and face. "Thanks" I said simply and hugged him tight for letting me
cry, and for the first time on this tour, I used my bunk, closing the
individual curtain daring someone to try and open it and lose a body part.
	Turning on the radio to a country station... I had been really
getting into the whole country ballad thing... ok I was into almost any
kind of ballad... but this was very enjoyable. I still felt ignored, and
sick. I felt hurt... and I hardly slept that night. I cried for most of
it. The little sleep I did get the dreams were odd at best, and the staring
line- up was my family. Let me tell you, not conducive to a restful
sleep. Add into that sleeping alone, and my night basically sucked.
	I woke up early the next morning... earlier than Kevin even. Or I
should say I couldn't fall back asleep early. It was about 5 in the
morning, and the bud just kept on going. Looking out the window I felt so
insignificant. The space and time passed by, but there was no mark I was
there, and I knew it would keep going on be it if I was there or not. Some
days that feeling is great. Today it was a horrible way to start off. It
was times like this I wished I liked coffee. So I made myself some Apple
Cider, heating it up which made it like a real yummy tea. Added a little
cinnamon, and off I went. I felt like shit, physically and mentally. I was
just waiting for something to happen to make it worst.  Luckily I had
reined in my empathy so I wasn't projecting it to make others feel like
crap... but at the same point, I knew when they woke up I would draw in
their negativity if they had any. There were days I could feel or sense I
would have little control over my empathy... today was one of those
days. Add into it that Mercury was in Retrograde for a week, and had 3 left
to go, I was looking at a WONDERFUL month. Did I mention how sarcastic I
was feeling? I knew this was going to be a stressful time for me. Mercury
in Retrograde was always a disaster.
	Deciding after the cider, I was hungry I started to make another
omelet, after all I only ate part of one yesterday morning, no lunch, no
dinner. After cooking, eating, and cleaning up I started a pot of coffee, I
knew Kevin would be up any time now, and I also wanted to thank him for
yesterday. I wasn't in a mood to talk much... and I wasn't sure how to deal
with Brian at the moment. But I knew life went on, and I had to do
something. Just as the coffee was percolating Kevin went into the
bathroom. Soon as he came out the pot was almost done filling, and he could
smell it. A smile lit up his face as I got him a mug, sugar ad crème and
let him sit down making the coffee for him. Living with the guys so much I
knew who liked their coffee how. After all when they were busy often times
I would get them drinks to be nice, and help the assistants out. I sat down
with Kevin, having also heated up some more of my cider, and let him finish
waking up before saying anything.
	"Morning" I said. Ok I really didn't want to talk, but I needed to
thank him... so I started off light. "Good morning, and thanks for the
coffee... how long have you been up?" I shrugged before answering "A few
hours... most of the night. Your pick really."  He looked... disturbed by
the way I said that. I could see the questions on his face, and shook my
head saying I didn't want to talk about it. "Are we on the road all day
today?" I was curious what was going on. "Yup, today tomorrow, and the next
day we stop at about noonish depending on the time we make and have an
interview at 2:30 with a radio station. 3 days In a hotel, 2nd day a
rehearsals and a few interviews, and the 3rd day a concert." I nodded
"City?" checking his schedule... he didn't know everything off the top of
his head "Chicago area." I nodded again kissed him on the forehead, hugged
him "Thanks for letting me cry yesterday" and walked off into the back room
closing the door and locking it. I needed more alone time, and frankly I
wasn't ready to deal with everything right then. I figured now would be a
god time for prayers, meditation... and trying to work through a few
issues. Besides, there was no way I could deal with Brian.  Before I left
the kitchen I had set up 4 mugs with the creamer and sugar in the cups,
knowing who liked what so all they had to do was pour when they got out of
bed in a few minutes... or when Kevin got them out of bed was more likely.
	Lighting a red candle, debating if I wanted to try and do a full
ritual... and for what, or to meditate and try and draw out the
negativity. Opening my bag I grabbed one of my glass encased red
candles... knowing if we hit a bad bump and it was knocked over, it
wouldn't set fire to the bus. Lighting the wick, I stared into the
flame. Nothing existed but me, and the flame. Letting my mind slowly switch
into meditation mode, and my body slowly switch down to a trance like
state, where the stimuli in the area were blocked to a low buzz, leaving me
alone with my thoughts so I could sort through them, and attempt to deal
with them. In my mind, I saw all the images of thoughts that were bothering
me. The deal with Brian, the dreams, the feelings sex brought to me.
	I just stared into the fire... it was calming ever since childhood
fires were calming. I had to smile despite myself. Vaguely I heard a few
knocks at the door...  though it was in on ear and out the other. I barely
heard them, and could almost think I imagined it. It must have been calls
for dinner and lunch cause when I finally came back to my surroundings, the
candle had dwindled significantly (they were 7 day candles... so they
burned for a long time) and it was dark outside. Pitch dark. I got up,
stretching; sitting that way was too much for that long. Yawning from the
lack of sleep the night before I opened the door, holding the freshly
snuffed candle in my hand, putting it up in my bag, and then looking into
the living room. All 5 of them again looking at me. I nodded, and went to
the kitchen to make something simple to eat... ate it, and then went to my
own bunk again. I was too tired, and still to confused to try and share my
feelings with everyone, not to mention seeing Brian still made my stomach
knot up and make me queasy.
	Laying down I said a few prayers to the goddess hoping for some
decent sleep. I would be a wreck come morning if I had another day of no
sleep. As relaxing, and restful as meditation is, it's not a substitution
for sleep though. As my head hit the pillow, a few pent up tears traced
down my face, remembering some of the times that have come and gone, the
friends who have come and gone. It was an odd reliving of things of the
past...  but I did eventually fall asleep while tears still fell.


	It was a few hours after Jon had gone to bed; the guys had been in
the living room most of the day doing movies and generally just being
friends. Brian was sulking around most of the day but the guys were trying
to figure out how to help Brian. Brian got up as he too was being just
quiet today, and went to the bunks. He opened Jon's curtain, seeing the
tearstains dried on his cheeks and pillow, and kissed his forehead before
climbing into his own bunk for another nights sleep alone. He had barely
gotten much sleep the night before either, and he was almost sure this
night would be the same. He just curled into the bed pillows, smelling the
last bit of scent on the pillows of Jon. One the plus side, Jon didn't run
away yet and was still doing nice things like the coffee... on the down
side, he was being closed off and silent. Making things impossible to
figure out. Brian too fell asleep with tears in his eyes wondering how to
fix things.


	Jon got up far too early once again. At least some sleep came to
him... so he went back to the kitchenette, knowing they were stopping to
refuel soon as the bus driver told him, they could get food from the food
court. So I made myself another cup of hot cider to start the day and then
got the coffee going, knowing it was a matter of minutes till Kevin got up,
then the rest of the guys, and it was an hour till they get to the
breakfast stop. I set up 5 cups, and put the fixings into them once again
as the coffee started to draw into the pot. I never understood how people
could drink it... then again most people thought I was strange for drinking
hot apple cider too, so to each their own I suppose. I curled up in the
living room on the couch after catching a quick shower, getting clothes
before I went into the shower, and getting dressed afterwards. I came out
of the bathroom, and curled up on the couch just thinking as the guys all
grunted their good mornings and heading to the kitchen for coffee. It was
like an unwritten rule that the first one up would make coffee..., which
generally meant Kevin was on coffee duty each day.  As they drained their
first cup, and all started to go in for refills, they filtered into the
living room and taking assorted seats. Kevin was next to me, with Nick
cuddled up close.  AJ and Howie too the other couch and Brian sat on the
floor in front of the couch I was on. He made no attempt to talk to
me... and I tried to pretend he wasn't there cause I didn't know what to
say or do still. The tension was thick and I could tell everyone was
uncomfortable. I looked over at Nick "Why don't you put on the TV, I'm sure
everyone would rather be playing games, or a movie or something." He
nodded, I guess since I was there first they figured it would be rude to
put the TV on if I hadn't. Nick went to flick on a videogame and I saw
Kevin shake his head no... I guess he was thinking the fight was over the
games. I don't think anyone grasped what was going on. I mean only part of
this was about Brian... but a big part that bothered me.
	Rather than let him stew ad be upset... since some of this... well
half of this wasn't his fault, I gently ran my fingers through Brian's hair
to try and make him feel better. I wasn't smiling as this would usually
make me do... and it didn't comfort me like it normally would. But I could
see and feel him relaxing into the couch, so at least he was feeling
better. I could also feel the other guys relax a bit. For my part, my
stomach was in knots, and I felt a strong urge to throw up... but I kept it
all in check sipping my cider I my other hand. Kevin gave me a questioning
look so I knew he at least knew something wasn't right. I just shook my
head at him, it still wasn't time. He kept the brow raised, but noticed at
least I wasn't locked away in the back room anyhow which was a start.
	Eventually Brian looked up at me and smiles... and in an attempt to
be nice, I smile back at him. I know they all knew that smile... and his
face dropped a bit seeing the fake smile. I sighed hoping things were going
to be at least as semi-comfortable as they were right now... this I was
managing to handle... if barely. Well it was a hope doomed from the start I
suppose.


Brian's 7 Sea's of Loneliness Part 42 by Jon

	Brian looked at me, staring into my eyes "You said you wouldn't run
away... and physically you haven't... you locked your self away. You're not
talking to anyone. We all know something is bothering you. What's going on
Jon? What's bothering you so much?" I shook my head no at him. I knew
speaking now could lead me to saying something I would regret. I let the
tears that wanted to fall escape my eyes... I just needed something and I
wasn't sure what... did I dare talk about it? I decided that silence was
again the better part of valor, got up and sat back in the room, closing ad
locking the door again bringing my bag to the couch.
	First I pulled out my small dragon statue from my suitcase with the
majority of my witching supplies. And placed him on the table looking
in. If I was going to use dragon magic, I needed to place the dragon where
he could see everything. Dragons are curious, and they like to nose in and
see everything going on. Which I had nothing against since I was calling on
the dragons for some self-confidence. Pulling out 3 taper candles, one
orange, one red, and one deep purple, and a pumpkin carving kit (great to
use to inscribe on candles). First inscribing strength on the red candle,
Self-Assurance on the purple candle, and success on the orange
candle. Taking my container of dragon's blood essential oil, I first
anointed the red candle from the middle down, then the middle out. The
middle down to draw energy to myself, and then out to release the energy
when the candle was lit. While anointing the candle, each one, three times
I chanted soft enough not to be announcing to the world, but not so soft it
was impossible to hear. This would keep people from banging, or trying to
unlock the door too get in. so I chanted as I anointed "Dragons of Power,
Dragons of Light. Dragons of Wisdom, Dragons of Night.  Lend me your magic,
Lend me your Aid. Lend me your guidance as this spell is made."  Taking a
golden paint pen, and a good sized piece of black fabric, I started to draw
the runes on the outside of what would be the outside of the pouch. Setting
the candles in their holders in a triangle, I lit their wicks.  The runes
were Sigel: for strength and self- confidence, Lagu: for increased vitality
and life-force, and Is: for development of will.  Taking some iron shavings
out of a small vial I poured some onto the center of the cloth.  Charging
the shavings With strength. Taking out a citrine, I held it in my hand
picturig myself with self determination thus charging the stone, and
placing it in the center of the black cloth as well (the side without the
runes). I repeated this with a piece of rose quartz, only envisioning
self-esteem into it. And then an Amethyst with courage and placed it in the
center.
	Gathering the for corers of the fabric, closing the bag carefully
sew it shut with orange string, then purple, then red. Holding this pouch
over the red candle (carefully here as to not set it on fire) and setting
fire to the herbs Cinnamon: for personal power, bay for success, and catnip
for happiness, I spoke "For Courage." Then passing it over the incents, and
the orange candle "For Success". Finally passing it over the incents then
the purple candle "For Self-Assurance". Then I held the bag feeling the
self-confidence and courage surrounding myself and the bag pulsing with the
energies... repeating the dragon chant while I envisioned. When I finally
was satisfied, I thanked the dragons for their help... and I would hang the
bag in the first place I would see it in the morning, ad the last thing I
see at night... but that would be later.
	Picking my book back up... I began to read... and let the energies
I had cast start to seep in. I HAD to talk to him. I needed him in ways I
was scared to admit. I needed him in ways I never thought I would need
anyone... and that thought scared me as well.  Taking a deep breath and
putting the book down on the table, I snuffed the candles. Yes snuffed, not
blew out. And walked out the door, letting the incents smell fill the room
on the bus. It smelled good, and unless someone complained, I drew energy
from them...  confidence from them, and hopefully be able to take care of
this.
	With another sigh I sat back down... he looked up from his game at
me. At least he noticed me from his game. I patted the seat next to me. I
didn't bother trying to hide the emotions on my face. He needed to know I
was hurt, confused, and scared. Though I must have looked like a psycho
with all those emotions running around my face... I just waited and let him
make the next move. When he wet back to his game, I just shook my head. If
he thought the game was more important so be it. It only took a few minutes
for Nick to finish killing Brian in their game of Mortal Kombat. Here I
would fid out if he wanted to talk, or if I should leave him be, and go
talk to Howie and Kevin. When he started another game, I took it as a sign
to buzz off, which I dutifully did. I went to the kitchen and started to
make something to eat. Just some hamburgers fried up, bacon relish and
mayonnaise. Ok, so it was several burgers, cause every time I finished
frying one Kevin would ask for one, then Howie... then Kevin again then
Howie... then Kevin asked if I would be kind enough to make Nick
two. Finally they were all fed minus Brian who was either making his own,
coming out to ask me, or sharing Nick's. So I cooked more bacon first, then
two more burgers slapping hands away as they tried to steal pieces of bacon
when they thought I was too busy to wrap a wooden soon against their
knuckles.
	As if on cue, as I sat down to start eating Brian timidly came out
to the kitchen as I figured Nick stopped playing to eat. "Mind making me a
few of those?" I raised a brow at him then got up and started cooking. "Why
not, I'm sure your anxious to get back to your game. After all, who could
compare with getting killed in Mortal Kombat?" With that I fried up some
more bacon, and yet more burgers for Brian letting him dress the buns
himself as all the others had... then I went back to the table to
eat... not caring to talk anymore at the moment. And watching him retreat
back into the living room.
	Sitting back at the table, I lost my appetite, eating anyhow so I
wouldn't be hungry later, but I wasn't enjoying it, and just going through
the motions. It was looking like another night alone. Luckily I still
insisted on having my own room in the hotel, I think I would even after he
came out publicly and we were announced as together... if that day ever
comes. Just in case of times like this. Dinner time was coming around, and
I knew we were stopping to refuel and the guys were going to a restaurant
for dinner instead of cooking something in the small dinnerette or doing
the fast food deal again. As they got off the bus, they went to eat ad
invited me along. I shook my head, and went to a different restaurant in
the opposite direction. As I was about to get my table I was tapped on the
shoulder, so I turned around to tell whomever it was that the guys weren't
with me, or that I wasn't interested in anything other than my table, a
waitress, and my menu when I saw Kevin standing there with a grin on his
face. He held his hand up with 2 fingers to the waitress to indicate a
table for two and not one.
	We sat down at the table and got our menus and drinks. I finally
looked up at him.  "Not that I mind the company right now... but why aren't
you with the other guys in the restaurant?" He looked over at me and
shrugged. "You looked like you could use the company, and you were
obviously not going to join us. Brian didn't appear to be coming with you
so I decided I would. I mean after all I should thank you for making coffee
for me the past few days. And everyone else for that matter. Don't get me
wrong I appreciate the help... but why have you been up so early
lately... and sleeping in your own bunk?" I took a deep breath... drawing
on the courage I had asked for earlier... and squeezing the pouch in my
pocket to help me. "That's a long story that will likely take all of diner,
dessert, and coffee after wards... and I'm sure it's going to sound silly
to you." He just raised a brow "Well we have time ad I'd like to
listen... I can decide for myself what's silly and what isn't."
	With that we ordered our food, and he gestured for me to start
talking to him.  "Well this isn't easy to explain... as I am still trying
to sort through my feelings right now." He decided to cut in here "Well
tell me what you can and we will go from there." I shook my head at him "I
was trying to. As I was saying. It's hard to explain, as I'm still sorting
things out. I'm sure it must seem odd to you that Brian and I have been
together 2 years and a little more, and still haven't had sex. To anyone it
would seem odd... even me." He nodded... so I continued. "You see... sex is
hard for me. It makes me feel dirty... wrong. It makes me feel like I
shouldn't be there enjoying it. And I know I am wrong to feel that way
cause sex isn't wrong. It's not right... but certainly not wrong.
Especially when you love the person... but I can't help how it makes me
feel. Every time I even do something remotely sexual with someone they
abandon me. Even Brian if you can believe it." By this point diner had
come, and gone... we had been eating around talking... or rather he ate, I
talked. He ordered coffee... I got a Frappe to try and settle my
stomach. "Last night I thought he realized how much I needed him there with
me after what we did... I thought he understood what I told him. It may not
have been full intercourse, but it was enough. I was vulnerable... I laid
myself out to him. I should have expected things to turn badly there
after. I was clinging to him most of the night... I hardly slept I was so
scared he was going to go away then. I must have finally nodded off in the
very late hours of morning, I remember seeing the sun start coming up when
I was finally drifting off."
	I took a good drink off the Frappe... and again the tears were
falling. "I woke up a few hours later... and he was playing a stupid
videogame with Nick. As if somehow that game was more important than I
was... I was crushed. I needed him there. It the same problems... he's not
there when I need him... and he's there when I need to be alone, just like
before... only this time I TOLD him I needed him there. He didn't notice me
crying in your lap... and earlier I invited him to come sit with me... and
again that stupid game was more important to him. It wasn't too important
for him to ask me to cook for him though. Kevin, I can't have sex with
him. I don't even know how to be in the same room with him right now. He
ties my stomach in knots to see him. I tried... and he ignored me.  It's
hard enough not being able to tell anyone about us... but it's harder when
he can't be there for me when he COULD be there. I hate hiding us being
together... I hate how sex makes me feel... and I hate how I feel now
because I feel abandoned. Not just abandoned... but pushed aside for a
videogame. That says a lot about me doesn't it? Add into that my
dreams... the fact I've hardly slept in a few weeks... I just stare into
the night... and when I do sleep, I wish I hadn't. The dreams are getting
to be too much for me. I'm wearing down. I NEED him... and he's not
there. I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps he should get another
boyfriend... one who can handle the closet act, can handle the hot and
cold. Can give him the physical aspect of a relationship... and not think
twice about it. One who won't feel cast off when he is ignored. He needs a
housewife... and that's not me."
	He just stared at me. I could feel it as much as I could see
it... so I put my eyes down and looked into my Frappe. I was holding it
together... barely... but I was. He opened his mouth a few times to say
something but nothing came out. He took a sip of coffee, and tried
again. "You told him you needed him... and he ended up playing a
game... twice?" I nodded. "Well that's... wow. I'm sorry." I shook my head
"Don't be Kev. This isn't your fault." He just sat there stupefied. I cold
see the gears in his mind turning. I went up and paid for the dinners, and
left the waitress a tip at the register, and walked out the restaurant,
heading for the bus. I grabbed something for the driver at the fast food
stop. I know its cheesy to spend like fie dollars on a guy for dinner at a
fast food joint, when I spent forty five for me and Kevin and I hadn't
touched mine. Grant you mine was in a bag I could heat up later if I got
hungry... I got him a drink too, and headed for the bus. Handing him the
food and drink, I saw his eyes light up. "Thanks Jon I was going to run in
after fueling up and rush through eating to get on the road." "No problem."
And I kept going onto the bus, heading to the back couch, leaving the door
open and opening my book. I think I opened it more to make it look like I
was doing something rather than to be doing something.
	I heard the other guys coming on. Kev came on about 10 minutes
before the rest.  He checked in on me... but didn't say anything to
me. Just left me to my devices. 10 minutes later the herd of elephants
boarded laughing and yelling and making a ruckus. It sounded like they had
a really good time. I was sorry Kevin missed it. Lord knows I wasn't great
company for him. I put on a CD and just let the music flow into my mind...
as it wandered, so too did my consciousness. Didn't want to sleep and
dream, so instead I let my mind wander on its own while m body recharged.

TBC

And there my folk's is where I will stop for now. Amazing 2 posts so close
together huh?  Well if my health starts getting better soon I may be able
to write more... I apologize for the erratic posting... but I write when I
can and when the story wants to come. I've learned not to force my writing,
its best this way. See ya soon... please write me feedback, it may not seem
to important, but it let's the authors know people are reading the
story. Which helps us want to write more. Also it lets us know what you
think.

- Jon -