Date: Wed, 3 Sep 2003 12:11:19 EDT
From: ShadedPhoenix@aol.com
Subject: brian's seven sea's of loneliness 43

Disclaimer: the usual applies, I don't know them, I never have, likely
never will. I don't know their sexuality and if they were gay... do you
think I'd share?!? Anyhow, if you shouldn't be reading this... you
will... don't get caught. If you like it, lemme know ShadedPhoenix@aol.com,
if not lemme know why, same address.

	Ok, next part. Hope to hear from some of the readers on this as the
feedback has been virtually nil :( BUT that's ok cause the story as always
goes on and on :) .  PS happy Birthday CJ!!!  Brian's 7 Sea's of Loneliness
Part 43 by Jon

	I sat in the bunk... I had been recharging, but my body and mind
needed peaceful sleep. Actually I think it would settle for general sleep
be it peaceful or not. As I left the little room, I saw Brian and Kevin
talking. I guess either he was filling Brian in on our discussion, or
trying to get through to him what he was doing. All I could do was replay
over in my head what I said to Kevin. Perhaps he did need a housewife. Or a
trophy wife. Certainly someone more equipped to handle his life
choices. Being closeted. Everything that goes with it. I crawled into my
bunk hanging the little courage pouch up where it could work its way into
my psyche. Willing away all dreams good and bad, so I could get real sleep.

***************

	Kevin sat there looking at Brian. Trying to find the words to make
him understand things the way he did now. Even if it was only the surface
of the issues. "Brian... you messed up. I know that's a harsh way to put
things. I'm going to try and tell you a story I just heard, and see if it
makes sense. Remember your old problem of not being there when he needs you
and too much when he doesn't?" Brian nodded to Kevin. "Its still there.
Remember Brian, Jon's out to the world. And he's in the closet again... for
you. That's not easy. It's twice as bad and twice as hard as it is for
you. Because he HAS been out. And now its back to being ashamed, forced to
hide. Nick and I handle it because neither of us is out, and we stay
closeted for OUR careers. Jon has to be quiet for your career, not his.
Brian he needed you and said as much outright. You know that had to be hard
for him. He feels brushed aside for a videogame, not once, but twice. Then
you came out to ask him for food. He thinks you'd be better off with
someone else. A trophy wife, or another closeted man. One not worried about
sex, and not worried to have sex. One who could fit into your life when you
want him. That's what he feels you want. Someone you can take out when and
where you choose, and will just follow. He knows that's not him. He's
strong willed, and independent. But he's hurting all the same and he needs
you. Add onto that, he feels sick around you, and his stomach clenches.
He's confused, he's scared, hurt. And he's trapped Brian. Trapped in our
world because he loves you. He gave up a lot of his life, and independence
for you. He gave up being honest with himself and the world about who he
is... for you. And sex... so you know, And I'm likely overstepping my
bounds here, terrifies him. He thinks its wrong. He knows it's not right,
and it's not wrong in his mind... but he FEELS its wrong. Abandonment is a
HUGE issue with him, and that's how he feels right now. He feels abandoned
by you. And I can't say he's wrong Brian. If the roles were reversed you'd
feel the same way as him. If not worst. Just remember Brian. You may be
putting a career on the line for him, but he's put his life on hold for
you. Forsaken his freedom to live for you, and even hid himself from the
world for you. He lies to the world about something that he would normally
be shouting from the rooftops about. He went back into the closet... hiding
more things from the world now than he did before... all for you. Perhaps
its time you gave real thought to the things you've taken for granted that
he's going to give up for you. And think hard on it Brian. Because if you
don't, what your taking for granted he'll give up for you now, may be what
he takes back and refuses to give up in the future. I also suggest you
looking back on how you treat him Brian. Because you need to be more of a
love to him, ESPECIALLY in the times when you can, to make up for the times
he's forced to hide it from the world. Cause if you think he will be happy
staying in a glass case, and coming around and out when and where you
choose, then I think you'll find out all to soon, he'll break free of these
bonds that hold us, and move on. He's not a groupie or a star struck
fan. He's a friend. He loves you, and your hurting him with your "love".
	Brian just looked at Kevin, blinking back a few tears. The gears in
his head turning. "Brian incase you missed it, he hasn't really slept in
weeks. He stares at the top of the bunks all night long. When he does
sleep, its nightmares of his family. With all he's told us, I'm willing to
bet there is as much he has told us, as there is he hasn't. I bet if we
asked him right now he could tell us every night for the last 2 years you
haven't felt good, didn't sleep well, were sick. And I am betting every
time he found some way to help you feel better, even if all he could do was
be there, and get himself sick taking care of you. Now he needs you to find
a way to be there for him. And like him, you need to figure out how it is
you can be there. Forget about yourself a bit Bri. Loving someone else
means putting them first sometimes."  Having said all that, Kevin walked
over to the bunks to slide in with Nick. Reminding Nick how much he
treasured their time together.

************

	Brian just sat on the couch in his thoughts. He never realized
things from that light. He always saw what he had to lose in a
relationship, and didn't see all the things one had to give up to be with
him. He forgot all the things an out and proud gay man could do, and didn't
even contemplate what it would be like to be out... then thrust back into
the closet. Not because you were uncomfortable being out... but because
your lover needed it. He only saw all that he gave up for other people,
forgetting there was a lot that they had to be willing to give up to be
with them. Was it really worth it for them to give everything up for a
relationship with him? Perhaps... perhaps not.
	He started going over all the things that had happened over the
past 2 years, remembering the odd times, the good times... the times that
were both. He looked back on all the things he could remember being lost to
Jon, Lost to himself, and then wondered how much Jon gave up that he never
let on about. How many friends he never sees or talks to incase they
figured out where he was and what he was doing. How many things in his life
were put on hold... or worst yet, no longer in his life, just so he could
trapeze around the country... and world with him.
	Brian spent the better part of the night up contemplating these
things, and trying to figure out just what he could do now. Where did he go
from here? He thought about letting Jon loose from their world, letting him
back to his old life, but he knew he wouldn't be able to lose Jon at this
point and remain wholly intact himself. He hoped Jon felt the same. He was
thinking of ways he could be with Jon and show him he cared into the early
hours of the morning. It had to have been about 4am when he finally got up
to get some sleep as a red puffy eye Jon crawled out of his bunk looking
like he had no sleep at all for the time in the bunk, and a little red
thing hanging from the bunk. Jon nodded his hellos to Brian, and Brian back
to Jon. Brian watched from the main room on the bus while Jon made his
cider, and then proceeded to put 5 cups out for the 5 of them, adding in
some sugar and cream. It was almost time for everyone to wake up, and it
was powdered cream so it wasn't about to go bad any time soon. Brian had to
smile as he realized the past few days cups were out and prepared along
with coffee made, not just the coffee in the process of being made. He
didn't think anything of it till now. As the coffee was going into the pot
with the water he heard Jon's voice. "Did you want a cup now, or should I
just start the timer for when Kevin will be up?" Brian looked at Jon. "I'll
take a cup now..." his face was startled for a moment. "This thing has a
timer?" Jon just nodded his head, and got the coffee going as Brian took a
seat across from where Jon's mug sat. "Mind if I sit here and talk to you
for a bit?" Jon just looked at him. "Its your bus, I just work here."
	Brian's face contorted like he'd just been slapped. Was that what
Jon felt, like being with him was a job? "Are you serious Jon?" Jon just
shrugged and made a noncommittal noise. "Maybe I have been a shit head, but
I love you now as much as I ever have Jon. I should have shown it more. I
should have been there more when I knew you needed me, and I'm sorry I
wasn't there for you. I was so wrapped up in all the things I could lose,
that I forgot what you already have lost to be here. And what you have
willingly given up for me. And I am sorry I never realized it all before.
Sometimes I get so caught up in myself, I forget I'm not the only one
making sacrifices to be here. And I apologize for how I have treated you, I
never knew how you felt about things, and I guess I should have asked long
ago why sex bothered you so much. I was too busy with my own needs, I
forgot yours." Brian hoped that sounded like what he was trying to get
across... but it seemed lacking somehow. Jon nodded to him, it was another
noncommittal nod, as if he was trying to placate Brian. Like he thought
Brian needed this to be able to sleep at night, or to feel good this
morning. Then he flashed one of those half smiles that was obviously faked.
He never did manage to hide emotions from his face. Its likely cause he
feels things so deeply at times, his face just reflects a small part of
them, but since he feels them stronger, his face reflects them more.
	Jon looked at Brian as if to ask if he was done or not. "I can
imagine what Kevin told you Brian, and I'm sorry it came from him. Whatever
else that's your family and I shouldn't let him bear the brunt of things I
should be saying to you, so I'll try and tell you what I told him, so it
comes from me, and hope to keep control of my nausea long enough to get
through it all." With that Brian's face went ghost white. He was hoping
Kevin had exaggerated on that part. "As you've likely guessed, as much of
my past as you know, there is an equal part of it you don't. It's the
darker parts, the ones I try to pretend don't affect me, or try to forget
altogether. Some of my issues likely come from denying that part of where I
have been and who I now am, but that's all I can do right now to cope with
it. Eventually in due time, I may tell you, and again I may not be around
for you to need to know." Brian's heart sank a little here, thinking this
was a good-bye speech. And his face showed it clearly. Jon only promised
not to run away, he never promised not to say his peace and go off. "No
Brian I'm not leaving, at least not unless you want me too?" Brian shook
his head, not trusting his voice not to betray him at this point. "But I
can't say in good conscience I haven't debated it. I feel, like I am in a
whirlpool, and all I have is a small raft with no paddles. Like I am
drifting here in a glass case as a doll. Something you take out to cuddle
when you feel alone, scared, or sick. Then put away without consideration
to what I may need or want. I won't say I've given up everything, cause I
haven't. But I've given up a lot more than I once thought. Yet I was Ok
with that. When I thought you were here with me, understood me, and wanted
me around it was worth it. But of late your not there, your not around. Its
almost as if you replaced me with a game. I won't deny you your
friendships, least of all, the one you share with Nick. But I can't be the
only one who cares here Brian. I need you sometimes more than I thought I
would ever need someone. You've been let into my heart deeper than anyone
else in the world. Yet that leaves the hurts you cause me to be the
deepest. Because I care about your opinions, I care about your needs, and I
care about your well being. But most of all I care about what you think, of
me and of us. I've been trying to see exactly where I am in these past few
days, and who I am now compared to whom I was before I entered that
contest. I will say that I am happier now than I was then in most ways. I
have friends, I have a boyfriend occasionally when he remembers me, or
needs me. I have a job I enjoy for the most part. Yet, there are things I
miss from that time. I miss not feeling the pain. True I didn't feel much
of anything then outside of loneliness. I used to think all it would take
is the right man, the right moment for me to be happy. I was wrong. Its
more than one moment, and I can't depend on you for my happiness. I love
you with all my heart and soul Brian, but if you don't feel the same tell
me now. If I leave now, its more likely we can salvage the friendship in
time, and it will be easier to get over you. No not easier. But more
realistic. I can't invest anymore of myself in you if your not willing to
invest something in me. If you want someone to be there for you when you
call. Be on your arm when you want, and give you sex when you want, then
you must know by now that isn't who I am. I am independent, and as much as
I love you, and I want you to be happy it's past time I looked out for me a
bit. The way I honestly feel Brian, you need a house wife whose willing to
do your bidding, not me. Someone who has a life outside this relationship.
I don't want this, us, to be my whole life, though it has a large chunk.
But things need to go one way or another now. So now I need you to prove
you love me, and let go of me, because I don't have the strength of will to
walk away, or to show me that I actually matter to you, that you care what
I feel. Because I have to wonder at this point. Sex is not what a
relationship is built on. As for sex, when I feel comfortable with you,
totally comfortable, it will come. Obviously I was beginning to feel that
way the other night or I would have stopped things. Perhaps I was wrong to
have let it go that far and that's bad on me not you. Take sometime to
think Brian, and I mean think honestly. It will hurt to lose you, but I'd
rather lose you now, and have a chance to be your friend in the future, and
friends with everyone else, than to lose you a few weeks from now and have
things damaged beyond any repair."
	With that, Jon left feeling the little he ate in the few days
bubbling to the surface, and retching into the toilet. What little food he
had eaten, the cider, and stomach acid. After emptying the recesses of his
stomach, he ran cold water over his eyes, and headed for the bunk, not to
sleep but to lie down. His energy was spent, but managed to get through
it. Crawling into the bunk he missed the other guys sitting outside in the
main room with Brian sitting in the kitchen. A small part of my mind
registered that they heard the conversation, but the rest of it was too
dazed to process the thought properly. I just hoped if Brian had changed
how he felt for me, he did me the grace of being truthful with me. It was
all I could hope.
	As I started getting into the bunk, I felt a tapping on my
shoulder. I turned around to see Nick standing there looking at me, a few
unshed tears in his eyes. "Jon grab a blanket and come follow me into the
back room." Nick tried to smile, and Jon's mind processed it slowly as he
grabbed the blanket and was led to the back room, and Nick laid me down on
the couch, lifting my head up so he could sit, and then laid my head in my
lap. Stroking my hair, he lit a candle, the red one I had used earlier, and
there was a peaceful incent burning, though I knew it wasn't one of my
own. He must have picked it up because he knew how I was about anyone, even
Brian sometimes, going through my things unasked. He smiled down at me.
"Get some sleep, we all know you haven't been sleeping much if at all, and
you look like you could use a cuddle. And yes Kevin knows so you don't have
to ask, and no he won't be mad. We heard you earlier, and it made us all
think a little bit. Now get some rest Jon, some real rest. We have another
6 hours before we get to the hotel, and they are gonna bring me in
breakfast when they stop." Nick thought he covered all the bases of
complaints Jon would use. But Jon had one more token complaint; he really
did need the comforting and the sleep. "Are you sure Nick, you have a full
day ahead of you and no doubt could use the time to relax or watch TV or
something." Nick looked down at Jon, ok he missed a base. "Yes I'm sure
Jon, get some rest and I'll be here when you wake up." "Heard that line
before too many times and woken up alone to believe it now." mumbled out of
my mouth, or I thought I mumbled, but Nick heard it, and I think from the
collective gasp I heard the rest of them must have been listening too and
heard it, but I concentrated on the fingers running through my growing
hair, and tried to fall into a peaceful sleep which thankfully did
eventually come.

	Brian smiled at what Nick was doing. He felt a pang of guilt it
wasn't he himself doing it, but somehow he didn't think Jon would be
comfortable with it. He heard the exchange, and he felt again as if he had
been slapped. Jon really must feel abandoned to have said that to Nick when
he was trying to help. From the look on Nick's face he too was shocked. Not
that Jon said it to him, but that Jon said it at all. It was a rare
momentary slip of Jon's mind to his inner feelings, which meant he was
exhausted beyond controlling his thoughts, and it showed just how he
felt. And neither one of those made Nick thrilled. He didn't take it as an
attack, but as more motivation to be there when Jon woke up. He looked at
Brian through the door and saw as recognition dawned on Brian's face as to
just what was said and how. He felt bad for Jon, they had all taken a bit
for granted all the things he gave up in being here, let alone all the care
he gave them. They knew his emotional outbursts were slim, and the true
truth usually came out when the fight was dragged out of him, he had
nowhere to run, and was to exhausted to hide his feelings. Nick just kept
stroking his hair, like Jon was Kevin in need of comfort, trying to let the
feelings of caring permeate into Jon and his dreams. He didn't know how
much he honestly bought into the witch-craft stuff, but he hoped if it were
true, than this once he could let his caring seep into Jon and give him a
moment of peace and rest. He had seen residual effects of the magic Jon
used, but he still was bound by what he was taught, and therefore tried
making himself believe it was just the circumstances, and he was seeing
things. Still this once, he was believing, and hoping it would work in
Jon's favor. Nick started to hum a small song to Jon, letting his voice
rock Jon into a slumber. Brian tried to be happy with things, as he sat
down, knowing Jon was getting some of the comfort he needed, yet he was
jealous it wasn't him providing the comfort. He sat with the other guys
looking at him. Not sure what to say for the first time to them in some
time. So Kevin was the first to speak. "Well we heard what he said, and I
can't see how he managed to hold together through it. I know it took a lot
for him to do and I hope you listened Brian. And I mean really listened.
You haven't lost him yet, but you should be where Nick is right now. And I
don't say that angrily, I say that because you need to hear it. But I don't
want to make you uncomfortable, and I know Jon doesn't want you and him
having issues to make all of us have issues, so I'll say this then drop it
totally. If you need to talk, as we have been, especially me, we're still
here Brian. For both of you.
	Time seemed to go by as Brian sat in the relative silence, looking
through the TV pondering what to do. He knew giving Jon up was not an
option he wanted to face. So he started thinking of how he could show his
love for Jon in a way it wouldn't be doubted. His mind started to get a few
ideas and he smiled. It was a small smile, but it seemed like it would
work, if only he could get away from the guys long enough in the next few
days to get a few things. He had to do something, and this was a good
start. It felt like only a half hour later when it was 7 hours later,
breakfast had come and gone, and they were at the hotel for a nice lunch.
	Nick lightly shook Jon, having sat there for 7 hours his legs
needed to be stretched, though Kevin was thoughtful enough to bring him a
book to read, which he himself hadn't thought to grab before. As he shook
Jon, he softly started talking to him. "Jon its time to get up and go into
the hotel get settled in and get lunch. After that an interview and a free
day. I know you have your own room, but after the interview if you wanna
come to my room with me and Kevin, for a nap I'll be glad to have a nap
with you." I smiled at Nick. "No thanks, I appreciate the offer, but I took
up enough of your time already today, and you could always cuddle with
Kevin for a nap." I smiled up at him, a real smile, even if I was half
groggy. "But I appreciate you holding me while I slept, I needed it." Nick
smiled back at me "Anytime my friend, any time." He was tempted to say he
was still there, but he figured Jon hadn't meant to say that aloud, and it
was proof enough he was actually there anyhow. He started to get ready with
the rest of them to go into the hotel. Jon as always passed out the keys,
only this time he gave the spare back to Kevin for Brian's room, and only
took the one to my own room. With that they all headed upstairs into their
rooms, settling in for an hour before it was off to the interview. Each
having had lunch in their own rooms, and an hour to relax alone since they
were on the bus for so long cramped together.


	And that my friends is the end of chapter 43, I'll see when I can
get chapter 44 out but no promises on how soon cause as you've seen it
kinda comes as it wants to. Until then, hope to hear from ya, and hopefully
I can start to work on the other 2 stories in the boyband section as well.
	Oh What Irony, as I was just looking over the chapter for spelling
issued which I am sure I missed some, I found out it was CJ's birthday so I
wanna wish you a happy birthday hun. And a chapter being posted on your
birthday.

	And also I'd like to say to Yuli, I miss you gurl, I tried Emailing
you a few times, so if your reading this please email me, I miss ya. And
all my other friends I have met thru this, I miss you all, and will
hopefully hear you soon. And to those reading this whom I haven't met, I
wish you well on your travels and look forward to one day hearing from you
as you go down the trials and trails of the 7 sea's of loneliness with me.
-Jon-