Date: Fri, 16 Jul 1999 03:51:29 EDT
From: ZELGADYSS@aol.com
Subject: Brian's-Seven-Sea's-Of-Loneliness 12-13

OK this is my first time at a story like this, I have read many from the
archive and loved them.  This is about ME, MY life, and MY fantasies with
Brian Littrell and the BackStreet Boys. I am in no way implying anything
about the sexuality of the BackStreet boys, and if your not 18 GIT!  Enjoy
and please send mail to Zelgadyss@AOL.com with good or bad comments on the
story.  Just remember its my first time, and any resemblance to other
stories I am sorry it's coincidental and quite on accident.


Part 12...I thought I was ending it here..but I won't. Maybe I'll end up
like JM and have a part 100 J who knows. So I will continue into the
relationship of Jon and Brian, and go MUCH deeper into Kevin and Nick's. So
with that thanx for the mail, and keep it coming, and as you keep the mail
coming I keep the story going that sound cool? J..also I hear tale of a few
people reading this that shouldn't be naughty naughty! And then I hear
there are readers who read this and deny it...you know who you are! Ok ok,
jokes over...lol. Your reading it, you know who you are, I know who you
are, but its between us cause thats what email is, 2 people J...anyhow
enjoy J

Brian's 7 Sea's of Loneliness
part 12 by Jon

	Brian's face became a few shades lighter as I told the story. He
knew I was serious, and was getting a weird feeling as well. He knew I
wouldn't be spooked over something like that for nothing. Plus I was
clinging to him, and he realized I didn't want to let go, he knew I was
genuinely afraid of this and started to work himself into a worry, as I was
working myself out of one. I had slowly become comfortable and loosened up
as Brian got tense, I could see worry in his eyes. "Brian you OK?" He
nodded his head, but I knew he was lying. I softly cuddled up to him and
started nuzzling with him, and after a bit the worry left his face as he
smiled content for the moment, wrapping his big arms around me and holding
me close. "I'll be all right Jon, I'm just worried about you." Now I
started to realize what Tree meant by telling the bad could cause more harm
than good. Now he is expecting bad to come, and in a way that will draw it
to him, and he will be overly worried, so I just cuddled a bit
closer. "Don't worry Brian, True love conquers all, and I will be with you
for a very long time, besides you looked older.much, much older, so we
could have years before that happens, and that is a POSIIBLE future, so it
won't happen we won't let it." I smiled thinking I eased his mind, as I
stretched the truth a bit, as I knew that it was a near future
premonition. I also knew there was a likelihood it may not happen, so I
decided to just not worry about it as we laid in each others arms. Looking
over, I was quite comfortable, and he must have been to as he drifted off
to sleep on me. I took Him to the bed and laid him down as I too was
feeling quite tired. As I laid down, he instinctively pulled me into him,
close as could be and we fell asleep, me in his arms, and he in mine. I
slowly Drifted off to sleep in a very calm, siren state. I had a few things
on my mind that day, and I had made the decision to change
myself. Physically that is, I knew I wasn't overweight, but I felt
chubby. Brian liked working out, so I figured I'd keep up with my walking,
and see if I could "Persuade" Brian to work out with me and help me. I knew
he would, But if not I could do it alone. This was a decision I had made
and knew that it was time to be done. So with the decision made, I just had
to follow through. These were my last thoughts as I drifted off into the
world of dreams, where anything is possible, and the future is told through
the eyes of another person's interpretations, if you knew how to read it,
then you knew how. If not, then it was just a way to pass the time and
rest.


~~~~ The Dream World ~~~~

	I slowly awakened in the world of dreams. A world where you view
things in many ways. Sometimes its 3RD person looking at yourself,
sometimes it's 1st person, like your everyday life. This time I was looking
down on what looked to be me. I saw myself walking down the streets and
just singing a tune as usual. Then a strand of light, a really thick,
visible, almost like rope strand of light started entwining around my
body. The Light was a pure white, not like the light we see everyday, it
was a light of purity, almost like a light of hope. It completely formed a
cocoon around me, giving off an aura of white light. Then I was suddenly
seeing things out of my own eyes. Feeling the feelings my body was. The
light was warm, but not to warm, as it made me feel safe, protected,
loved. Almost as if this beam of light was my minds way of symbolizing
Brian, and how he made me feel. I feel like nothing else mattered and I was
content. I felt different in this sack as time passed, not a bad different,
almost as if I was being..healed in a sense. My mind was becoming more at
ease, and my body felt as if it was gone. The sensations were real to me
there, as I felt a change. I felt renewed, as if every weight and pain I
had, every little thing bothering me, all of life's little and big problems
were just taken away from me. Slowly I began lifting from my body, as I was
again looking down on my body.  Although I always wondered whose eyes I was
looking through at this point, I stood looking onto myself and the
encasement I was in. Slowly an arm broke through the sac of light, and soon
a leg, and finally I crawled out of it. I looked different thought. My
eyes, they were deep, but the hurt was gone. The bitterness was gone. I was
no longer jaded. I felt free of the emotional burdens I had, and grazing my
back were a pair of wings. Wings of light, along with a new hope. I had
truly changed in spirit, and my mind was showing me this. In deciding to
work out, I felt better, and in talking, my pain was fading away. This was
showing me how I was changing, inside and out. It was showing me the hope I
had was real, and that one day I would be free of all the pain and
suffering and torment I put myself through. I would one day be free as a
brand new butterfly on its first flight. I could frolic in my
happiness. The wings, they lifted me to new heights. I saw things I never
before could see. I realized before that Brian was the cocoon that
surrounded me, keeping me safe. Then I realized he was also the wings. He
helped me feel complete, whole. He loved me with a love that was true, that
unconditional love that everyone seeks. He brought me to new heights in my
life, he made me feel like the world didn't matter. The things I felt, were
a lot to do with how he treated me. He helped me feel like I belonged
somewhere. The wings that I was flying on, were him lifting me to new
heights in life.  Spiritually, Physically, and Mentally. He had taken what
I could not, all my fears, all my pain, and he had lifted them. From the
beginning I knew he had. He had made me feel worth something. His love made
me want to be the person I always knew I could be. Because of Brian I was
growing up, and Spiritually I was growing as well. He had expanded me in so
many ways, on so many fronts, just by giving me the one thing I ever
needed. Love. Unquestioned, unthought, Unhindered, Unencumbered, Unwavering
love. Most importantly, Unconditional love. He loved me for all I was, all
I could be, all I saw. He loved me for me, even tho I had nothing to offer
him, except that same love. Which before now I hadn't realized, was all a
person ever needed. I knew he meant a lot to me, and I to him, but I never
thought how special that unconditional love was. You really never do
usually till its gone. I realized now I had what I searched for my whole
life, what some never find. It was a love so pure, so true, that it went
beyond words, into a feeling that even the greatest poets could never truly
capture. The essence of life, then it hit me...the meaning of life, was
love. True unconditional love. To love another for all of them, not what
could be, or what once was, but what is. To accept them for what they are,
not what they could be or once were. If that wasn't the meaning of life, I
don't now what is..nor did I care. Knowing that love existed was all that
mattered to me. My thoughts continued much like this throughout my sleep,
and I peacefully slept in Brian's arms all night.

~~~~ That Night In Other Parts Of The Hotel ~~~~

	Kevin and Nick were quite tired after the days events. Amazingly
enough though they weren't too tired when they decided to do
something. They just wanted to be together, and that was more important to
both than sleep. They had decided on a nice movie and dinner. The movie was
on Pay Per View, and so they cuddled in bed with each other. Kevin wrapped
his long, strong, protective hands around Nick, as Nick cuddled into
Kevin's arms gladly. Nick looked at the screen as the movie came on. He
sighed as his mind was as far away from the movie as possible. His mind was
on Kevin, and all Kevin meant to him. Also on the happiness of being close
to Kevin. He also was concerned, he didn't understand why Kevin didn't want
to tell the group they were together. He felt like Kevin was hiding them,
and Kevin had always changed the subject when Nick raised the comment. Nick
slowly pulled out of Kevin's arms as he slowly came to a realization he
thought was true. As he pulled away Kevin tried to pull him close. This
just made Nick pull away harder, looking away from Kevin as so Kevin
wouldn't see the forming tears. "Kevin..I...I..I may be young, and you may
think me foolish, but I have finally figured it out. Your ashamed of me,
and of being with me, that's why we can't tell the guys isn't it?" Kevin
got a hurt look on his face as he walked up behind Nick and wrapped Nick up
in a beautiful hug. "No Nick, it was because I didn't want them
interfering, and I guess I was a bit afraid..but this is really bothering
you isn't it?" Nick nodded as a few tear fell from his eyes. It was then
that Kevin realized how Nick must be feeling, sneaking around all over the
place, and he was young. He wanted to be able to hold Kevin around the
guys..but Kevin wasn't sure he was ready for that. He let Nick go. "I know
you want to tell the guys Nick, but I am just not ready yet.please..." Nick
walked towards the door, he exited, shutting the door.  As soon as the door
was closed all the way, his sobs were heard, as he ran down the hall and
the stairs. A.J. and Howie looked at Kevin as if to say what was wrong?
Kevin knew he had feelings for Nick, but the idea of being gay was hard for
him to swallow. It was something Nick had time to deal with. He had dealt
with the fear of being Bi-Sexual, and had the time to deal.  Kevin seemed
more like the youngest person in this situation, as Nick, the official
youngest in the BackStreet Boys was acting more mature than he was. Kevin
started in the direction Nick went in. "What have I done to him" Kevin said
to himself as he chased after Nick. All Kevin could think of was "Where did
he go...how will he ever forgive me?" This caused a few tears to graze
Kevin's face.
	By what had happened Kevin knew he had hurt Nick on so many
levels. If he wasn't so worried about what he had done to Nick and where
Nick was he'd be beating himself senseless and he knows it. Being to where
they traveled a lot, none of them knew any place too well so no one could
just run off, knowing where they were going. To the same token, if they did
they would get lost, and make it INCREDIBLY difficult to be followed. The
fact that it was pouring out didn't help matters at all, as no one saw
which way he went, nor did they see why. Kevin just ran down the street in
the direction he had hoped Nick went in.
	Nick was hurt, he felt his heart break in two. He had never felt so
bad..so insecure..so ashamed of who he was since he first came out. He felt
that Kevin was ashamed of him, and didn't want to be with him in public, or
in the group, only behind doors when it was convenient. Nick couldn't do
that. He was young, but thrust into maturity, he grew up on the road, and
thus he grew up too quick, and never had a proper childhood. That love he
felt for Kevin was real though, and he knew it was. He also knew he
wouldn't hide who he was or was with from the people that were supposed to
be like a family with him. He was soaked when he came upon a small
diner. He entered into the small quaint place, and had a seat in a far
booth. He was dripping wet, and his tear stung eyes were red and puffy. He
sat down, and as the waitress came over, he ordered a tea..to settle
him. As he started to relax in his booth, he closed his eyes and imagined
how things could have been, should have been, and he kept seeing Kevin's
smile, and his gorgeous eyes in his mind. As he closed his eyes and saw
this, he didn't notice but Kevin saw him in the window. He had silently
thanked his god for the second chance to make this right, as he found Nick.
	He went slowly into the diner, soaked, and saw Nick sitting at the
booth, with tear in his eyes. This brought more tears to Kevin's eyes as he
knew it was him that caused that pain and those tears. He went to the juke
box to try and find something to do to let Nick know how he felt. Amazingly
enough this jukebox had newer music in it..which surprised Kevin. He saw
both their albums and was about to use one of their songs, when he saw a
better choice and entered the selection.
	He sat next to Nick, as the music came on. "The bluest of blue
that's what his eyes are.  That's what I am right now. And if I had it all
to do, All over again, I would have waited so long to saaaay, I can't live
without you, I Don't want no body else, babe listen very closely..I LOVE
you." Nick looked up, the tear still falling on the now really wet table,
from him and Kevin being soaked, and dripping on it. He saw tears flowing
down Kevin's cheek as well.  Kevin hugged his arms around Nick, not caring
who saw, and kissed Nick deeply. As they kissed, Kevin's top lip started
pushing Nick's upper lip up, so that his tongue could find a home in Nick's
awaiting mouth. They are oblivious to their surroundings, tho Kevin will
just have to hope no one see's. the kiss eventually breaks after a few
minutes, Kevin looks into Nick's eyes. Nick's eyes begin to show the hurt,
even as he tries to hide it, the kiss renewing the hurt and amplifying it,
Nick's eyes again full of tears that fall onto Kevin's shoulder, as e sobs
and heaves slightly. "Shhhh its OK Nick. We're telling the guys at
breakfast tomorrow." He in his mind knew they'd be OK with it.but he still
had his fears in the depths of his heart. He hopped Nick understood the
song, as he loved Nick with all his heart, and didn't want to lose Nick to
another cause he was afraid to say "I Love You" till then. Nick just looked
up at him with pleading eyes as the song slowly came o and end "I couldn't
lie, he couldn't wait...." the song ended. Nick's eyes looked into Kevin's
as if to say "Do you mean it.and its not to late."  Nick spoke softly to
Kevin, as he could barely speak "Kevin...you mean it?" Kevin cleared his
throat."Yes Nick, I mean it.I Love you.and we ARE telling the guys in the
morning, and I want you to spend the night with me. Sleep with me..not sex,
just sleeping together."  Nick looked at him, his eyes showed nothing but
happiness, as a new set of tears flew threw his eyes, these being tears of
joy, as Kevin held his hand, and they exited the caf‚ not bothering with
the tea Nick ordered, and walked back to the hotel.
	As they enter Kevin's room, fingers still laced together, they
start another passionate kiss, closing the door and locking it. Kevin leads
Nick to the bed, still kissing him, as they slowly start taking each others
clothes off, eventually ending in a pair of boxers on Kevin, and
boxer-briefs on Nick. They lay down together ever so gently, as they start
roaming each others bodies with their hands, as their hands become
extensions of their eyes, exploring each crack and crevasse on each others
back..till Kevin reaches Nick's ass, and backs off, knowing where that was
going and breaks the kiss. "Just sleep Nick, I want US to work.so we need
to wait a bit for that." He smiled knowing he said it, and meant it with
all his heart. Nick looked at him, and pulled Kevin close "We will Kevin.I
have a feeling we will." Smiling from ear to ear, he lies his head on
Kevin's chest, and Kevin his head on the pillow, as they slowly fall
asleep, Nick falling asleep to the sound of Kevin's heart which beats for
him, causing him to grin as he drifts off to that dream world.


Brian's 7 Sea's of Loneliness
part 13 by Jon

	As Jon gets up, he feels Brian's arms holding him close.knowing
only the call of nature could get him out of that bed, he eases into the
bathroom to answer the call. Noticing Brian still sleeping he walks out to
the balcony and sits down, his eyes glassed over, as he goes deep into
thought. About the friends he lost from leaving, since they all ditched him
anyhow, it didn't matter, but still depressed him. He knew he should be
happy, he has a man he loves, and is waiting for him...and he has 4 new
close friends to help him threw it all. Knowing it makes it hard sometimes,
as he had to just walk away from so much to get here, and he still has a
ways to go till he is finished his journey. As I slowly start drifting back
into the world of dreams, I feel Brian wrap his arms around me, as a single
tear falls out my eye, down my cheek and onto the floor. "What's wrong
baby?" Brian asked so sincerely. "Just about what has happened to me in my
life. The people I lost, and the new people I just gained. Makes me wonder
what I can do to just forget all of the past, and start a future anew. It's
just hard to let go I guess." Brian looked a bit sad, knowing the feeling,
as he had parted with his family several times, tho never in the way I had
too, and he knows they are always there for him, but he has some feeling
for the sense of loss. "Well you got me...I'll be your family." Brian
smiled as a look of utter fear appeared on my face. "NO!...NO!....NO!....."
Brian got a look of sheer pain on his face and turned away..about to cry
himself, as I realized what just happened, I grabbed his waist "It's not
like that Brian, my family deserted me..your not like that, that's why I
say no...I don't want you to be like them." Brian starts to cheer up a bit,
realizing why I said what I did. And hugged me close, as we soon heard a
pounding at the door. <Bang> <Bang> I sighed. "Never fails to interrupt a
moment." We got up, and saw Howie sitting there, pointing and laughing as
we were in out underwear. "So Brian finally got some eh?" Howie laughed.
Brian grinned "Yup Howie, now you need to get some!" I Glared at Brian, got
dressed and pushed right past him and Howie, and evil scold on my face, as
I headed into Kevin's room for breakfast. I didn't say a word to Brian, as
he hurriedly dressed to chase me. <Knock, Knock> I knocked meekly on
Kevin's door. He answered it in his boxers. "Hey Kev.where is breakfast?"
Kevin opened the door all the way and let me in, closed the door, and
started getting ready, as Nick crawled out Kevin's bed too, in his
boxer-briefs, as I gasped.  "You...you...you didn't?" Nick looked at me
"Sleep together..yes we did." He smiled.  Kevin piped in "that's ALL we did
was SLEEP too." He smiled ruining Nick's joke, as Nick laughed. "OK smart
ass so your telling the guys at breakfast right..cause they are sure to
assume now if you don't." Nick nodded and I had my answer and smiled for
them, as the scowl returned to my face as someone knocked at the door, and
I figured it was Brian. <Knock, Knock> "Kevin you ready?" I heard Brian's
voice. Kevin replied "Yeah one minute Cuz."
	I just got a deeper scowl on my face hearing his voice, as Nick
gave me a look of interest. I shrugged it of, and sat down, as the food was
in the hallway. Kevin motioned me to open the door, so I did, letting
Brian, A.J., Howie, and the food cart in. They all looked at Nick, still in
his boxer-briefs, and gave me an accusing look. "Well Brian, if you got
some last night it WASN'T with me!" I turned away from them and ignored
them all. A.J. got a look of question, Howie a look of surprise, and Brian
a look of hurt. I ignored it, and his plea's for me to talk to him, as Nick
got dressed and we ate. Kevin spoke up and looked at me "OK there are no
secrets in the group, and so spill it Jon." I looked at Kevin. I spited out
"Seems Brian got some last night, and you know what I men, or so I told
Howie, and it wasn't with me. So either he was IMPLYING I screwed him or he
slept with another, nether of which is acceptable to me!" Kevin looked at
Brian and Howie "It was a joke, Howie asked if I got some cause he saw me
and Jon in out underwear, and I said yes..but as a JOKE." I looked at Brian
"That's not a Joke." Kevin smiled and I knew he had something going on in
his head. "OK guy's settle it the way we always do, a sing off!" Brian
looked at Kevin with a weird look, and I with confusion.  "Rules are, you
argue with lyrics! Brian your first."

All eyes were on Brian. "When I first saw you, I already knew. There was
something inside of you. Something I thought that I would never find. Angel
of Mine."

Then they looked at me for a retort "OHHH the canvas can do miracle's, just
you wait and see, Can you believe in me..."

That got some odd looks but knew I said it as in asking for his trust "If
you had my love and I gave it you all my trust would you comfort me? And if
somehow you knew your love would be untrue would you lie to me..and call me
baby?"

The guys "ohhh'd and ahhhh'd as I came back quickly "I never knew a guy
that carried a mirror in his pocket, and a comb up his sleeve...just in
case. And all that extra hold gel in your hair oughtta lock it, cause
heaven forbid it should fall out of place. OHHHH OHHHH you think your
special, you think your something new? So your Brian Littrell, That don't
impress me much."

The guys knew that was the chord where it wasn't his name I wanted "Lets
talk about sex baby, lets talk about you and me, lets talk about all the
good things, and the bad things that may be, lets TAAAAALK about sex."

That was where he said he wanted to talk about sex and I knew I was pissed
by here "Break down, never gonna get it, never gonna get it. Never gonna
get it never gonna get it. Never gonna get it..wooo wooo woooo"

That was me saying I knew I wasn't ready, and he knew I wasn't relenting
and he knew it.  "OHHHH OHHHOWWWW if you wanna be with me... baby there's a
price to pay, I'm a genie in a bottle, you got to rub me the right way. If
you want to be with me, I can make your wish come true, you gotta make a
big impression, Gotta like what you do."

The guys got scowls knowing that wasn't the best choice.as I got a look of
hurt. "Well Brian, I know your experienced, and you knew I would want to
wait. I know sex is important..but I didn't know it was that important."
Tears formed in my eyes "you win, I will sing my last lyric" I got my voice
together "Wish I could be the one, the one who could give you love. The
kind of love you REALLY need. Wish I could say to you, that I'll always
stay with you,but baby thats not me. You need someone willing to give their
body and soul to you. Promiss you forever, baby that's something I can't
do. Oh I could say I'll be all you need, but that would be a lie. I know
I'd only hurt you, I know I'd only make you cry. I'm not the one your
needing" I started to choke up, as the guys got looks on their faces, pale
white, and Brian's face was full of tears I started to choke and in a weak
voice "I love you" and in a barely audible whisper "Goood-bye"
	I grabbed my bag before anyone had a chance to react and I walked
out the door. The guys were stunned at how that turned out. It usually
ended up being quite funny, but a few bad choices led to a
disaster. Finally they all realized what had happened and came after
me. Only a step behind me as they took the elevator, and I the stairs. I
ran out the door, not looking at them, and ignoring Brian. I ran through
the field and onto the highway. Finally I had heard the guys yelling, and I
was in the middle of the road. I heard a horn go off <BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP> and
heard tires skidding. My mind froze, as I felt impact on my legs, my head
hitting and cracking the windshield. Brian screamed. "NOOO!!!!!!!!!! I
won't lose you now!!!!" He ran as fast as he could, as did the other guys
to where I lay on the pavement. I was bleeding from my nose, and my mouth,
cuts on my head were bleeding as well. The guy in the car got out and
freaked "He ran in front of me..I Tried to stop..I beeped.." Brian was
freaking as he held my body and cried. Kevin took out his phone and dialed
9 1 1 "Operator there has been an accident, a guy is in critical condition
and needs an ambulance right away.he is bleeding severely." Soon the
ambulance pulled up and the EMT's got out and rushed over to my now limp,
bleeding body onto the stretcher, feeding me O blood through an IV so I
would make it to the hospital. Brian rode with Ambulance, the others with
the guy.minus his windshield to the hospital.
	I was quickly hooked up to many different monitors and machines,
and given many shots, as the blood was still being fed into my veins
through the IV. All Brian could think about was how I ran off, and why I
ran off, and cried hard onto Kevin's shoulders. Thinking out last words
could have been me saying good-bye. As Kevin did his best to console his
friend into believing I would be all right, he too truly wondered as the
time passed. My room was right by the waiting room, and the guys knew it,
listening to what happened in the room. The doctors were yelling orders to
the nurses as I was slipping away.  ~~~~ In My Head As This Happened ~~~~
As I open my eyes, I feel no pain. None I'm my heart, or on my body. I see
I am basked in a bright light. Its a white light, as I see my goddess
again. "Jon.its not your time yet..you love him, go back to him...he loves
you too..you know this inside...." thus a large conversation is drawn out
between her and myself... ~~~~ as I am talking with the goddess the guys
here a solitary sound they feared most.
"BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!" Flat line, and Brian screamed
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"


Well that's all folks. I love the story, I love you. Let me know what ya
think J. As always, this is Jon Signing off.


Btw tbc....maybe (if you can read this you are TRULY devoted and cudos J )