Date: Tue, 16 Jan 2001 07:16:45 -0800 (PST)
From: Alec C. <alecsandria@yahoo.com>
Subject: Can't fight the moonlight part 6-9

Author's notes:
A massive thank you to those who have taken the time to send me
feedback. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.

This story is dedicated to Red, it's good to have you back in one piece.
T: thanks for proof reading. You are the best.

Disclaimer can be found in the previous chapters.

Part 6

I don't how it happened but suddenly our lips touched in a desperate
kiss. I tasted his salty tears and the sweetness of his tongue. The faint
flavour of his early morning cappuccino still lingered on his tongue. I
lost myself in the moment. For years I had wanted to kiss him. To feel his
lips on mine. To have his hands caress my back. And now the moment was
there.

I softly pushed Justin away. This was wrong. We were kissing for the wrong
reasons. Despair isn't a reason. Love should be a reason.

He still had his eyes closed. His lips were swollen and he licked them with
his tongue. A soft moan escaped me. His eyes flew open.

'Wow.'

Justin sank to his knees. I instantly thought that something was wrong. I
kneeled beside him and touched his shoulder.

'Justin?'

He lifted his head. His eyes sparkled and a small smile tugged at the
corners of his mouth.

'I've never felt something like that before. Why did you stop?'

I felt relieved. He wasn't hurt or disgusted.

'I can't do this Justin. You are mourning Eva and I'm... Well I'm dead.'

Justin's face fell.

'But...'

'Think about it Justin. Everyone else thinks that I'm dead. I can't give
you what you want. I'm dead. You are married or were married. You have a
kid.'

He stumbled to his feet.

'You aren't dead to me. I'm a widower and yes I have a child. Does that
matter?'

'It matters when you haven't told anyone. How are you preparing to tell
them that bit of news?'

He raised his hands in the air.

'I won't drop it on them like you did to me, that for sure.'

And that hurt.  I stared at him from my position on the ground.

'I can recall you doing the exact same thing.'

Justin started to pace the small room.

'We can work something out.'

'Justin, we can't. You can't show me off at award shows or concerts. We can
never be together.'

'Stop!'

Justin moved to my side.

'We haven't even tried yet. You can't deny that you loved that kiss
too. You've been in love with me for years.'

I shook my head.

'JC has been in love with you for years. He wanted you so bad. Each night
he dreamt about you. About loving you, holding you and making love to
you. He would have given his life for you.'

Justin covered his ears with his hands.

'Stop talking about yourself that way. JC and you are the same people.'

He would never understand.

'No Justin. JC Chasez died the night you told him that you were getting
married. You could have said that you were straight, or that you couldn't
answer his love but no you had to be cold and cruel. You broke his fucking
heart into million of pieces and now you want to try? Try what? For how
long?'

All the anger that had rested inside of me suddenly came out.

'I loved you Justin. JC loved you but he is gone. He won't be back.'

I didn't sound very convincing.

Justin rose to his feet and moved to the door.

'You know, I used to have this really good friend. He once gave me some
advice. He told me to face my problems and my fears. Running away from them
wouldn't solve them.'

I closed my eyes. I remembered the night that I gave Justin that
advice. But he was right. I ran as soon as my problems became too big.

'Goodbye Josh.'

The door closed behind him and I was alone. I stared around not sure
whether to cry or to get up and start my day. I decided to go with the last
option. I made my way to the kitchenette. The sight of the shoebox with the
dead bugs in it made my tears well up again. Justin had drawn a cross on
the lid. I wiped away my tears. A note was placed beside the box. My hand
trembled as I reached out to read it. Justin had written down his phone
numbers. He must have done that when I had locked myself in the bathroom. I
sank down to my knees again and decided to skip option two. I was going to
sit here and cry all day. I had my heart broken again and this time it was
my own stupid fault.



Part 7

He didn't call. He did call Mae but he never asked to talk to me. Maybe he
heard me curse in the background. I was building a cockroach farm. I found
a note from the landlord that he was going to extinguish all bugs. There
was no way more of them were going to die. So I build this nice farm. It
had a glass wall and it was so great. Joey sat in front of the glass all
day the first day. I don't think that he really liked it. But he was gone
the next morning so I think that he found some other spot to sit. But that
doesn't change anything to the fact that he didn't call me. I tried to get
Mae to tell me things. Basically I wanted her to repeat the entire
conversation word by word. She refused of course.

I tried to call him three times. But each time I panicked. What if one of
the others would answer the phone? What if he doesn't want to talk to me?

My downstairs neighbour decided to help me make that decision. He fell
asleep with some candles burning and I woke up hearing people scream. I
smelt smoke and the next thing I knew I was outside holding my farm
shivering in the cold. Everyone stared at the building going up in
flames. There was nothing that could be done. Everyone was very relieved
that no one had died or had any major injuries. I had slightly burnt my arm
and the girl living next door had a few burns on her leg. I think that the
guy downstairs was having some problems breathing but that's it. Those
burns didn't hurt. What hurt the most was the fact that I had lost
everything that I had. My picture of Justin, my clothes, my music. I had
considered running back inside to get the picture but than I realised that
I had grabbed the farm first. So that must have meant more to me than the
picture.

News travels fast in a small town and Mae came to pick me up. I was very
cold in my shirt and boxers. She gave me Ian's clothes to wear and made me
some coffee. I accepted the cup and raised my eyebrow when she gave me the
phone.

'Call him.' And she was gone.

My fingers trembled as I dialled the number. I knew it by heart. The phone
rang once, twice.

'Hello?'

That wasn't Justin's voice. I took a deep breath. It was Lance. This was
it.

'May I speak to Justin please?'

My voice sounded a bit hoarse. I did scream like a little baby when Mae
applies bandages to my arm.

'Who's calling?'

Lance was always cautious.

'Tell him its Scott.'

I heard Lance call Justin. Justin's answer was muffled and I heard Joey
laugh. I chuckled. I suspect Joey of a headlock.

'Hello?'

Justin sounded out of breath.

'Justin?'

I heard him gasp.

'Are you ok? Why are you calling? I told Mae that...'

He stopped.

'I'm ok. We had a fire.'

'A fire?'

He yelled so hard that my ear started to hurt.

'I'm ok. The building is gone. No one is hurt. I saved Joey and friends. I
had built them a house. But I don't have your picture anymore. Or
clothes. It's cold Just.'

I started to ramble. It suddenly started to sink in. I could have been
dead.

'Do you enough money to buy some new clothes?'

I didn't answer. Tears were streaming down my face.

'I could have died. I could have been dead.'

'But you aren't. You are safe and your cockroaches are safe too.'

I heard Chris make a very disgusting noise in the background.

'Joey doesn't like his new house very much. He loved the floor more.'

Justin started laughing.

'I'm sure that he will get used to it.'

'Mae took care of my arm.'

'You weren't hurt? I thought that you said that you were ok?'

Justin's voice sounded worried.

'I'm ok. A few small burns. I had to walk down a burning staircase.'

'I can get a few days off.'

I heard him flick through his organiser.

'No, that's ok. I need to find somewhere to live until than I can stay here
at Mae's.'

I sniffled a few times.

'I can come over you know.'

'I don't want you to miss anything important.'

'Friends are more important than fans or concerts.'

I stirred my coffee. A strange feeling washed over me as I heard the
background noises. They were at a stadium. I could hear the fans scream in
the background. Joey was warming his voice. He had taken over most of my
vocals. I heard Chris and Lance talk about an interview that they had
done. Everything seems so familiar. Like I was standing behind a door
listening to them. Except I couldn't open the door as it was locked from
the inside.

'Josh.'

Justin hissed my name. I slowly returned back to the restaurant with my
thoughts.

'Sorry I kinda wandered off.'

'Are you sure that you are ok?'

'Yeah, I'll be fine.'

'I have to go now. It's show time.'

I smiled. Show time...

'Kill 'em out there.'

'I will.'

'Bye.'

I don't if my mind played tricks on me but I swear that he said, "I love
you" right before I hung up.

I rested my head on the table. It was one of those moments where I wished
that I called my parents that night to tell them that it was JC who
died. That I could go back and explain my broken heart and the need to go
away for a while. It was one of those moments that made me want to go
back. Back to the hectic life on the road, back to my old life, back to
being JC.

Another cup of coffee was placed on the table. I looked up to see Ian.

He had a serious look on his face.

'We need to talk.'



Part 8

Ian sat down and I knew that he wouldn't take no for an answer. He placed a
bottle of Scotch on the table and poured a large amount in a glass. He
slowly pushed it my way. He than opened a pack of cigarettes and offered me
one. Yes, I had fallen from the pedestal. I smoke, fart and burp in public
now. I accepted and ran my hand through my blonde hair. After Justin had
left I decided to go for a new me. I'm now a "natural" blonde. It didn't
look so bad either. Although Ian had a laughing fit for about 2 hours when
I first entered the restaurant.

Ian lit his cigarette first and held the match in front of me.

'The misses is worried about you.'

Ian never used the long way in conversations.

'There's nothing to worry about.'

'Are you running from the law? The missus is worried.'

Ian did cut to the chase but he also loved to repeat himself a lot.

'No I'm not running from the law.'

Ian squinted and looked at me.

'Don't lie to me son.'

I shook my head.

'I'm not running from the law, I'm running from my heart.'

There, I said it. I was running away from the one thing that kept me sane.

Ian stared at me.

'Why would anyone run away from their heart?'

I emptied the glass of Scotch in one go.

'Because I'm a chicken. Because I can't say I love you out loud. Because
I've made the biggest mistake in my life and I can't go back.'

Ian frowned.

'Start at the beginning.'

'The beginning?'

I sighed.

'I walked in the room and there he was. A little teenager with unruly
hair. But it was love on first sight for me.'

I told Ian everything that night. About my secret love for Justin, about
how my heart was broken, about the decision I made when my car went up in
flames, about meeting them and about seeing Justin again. We sat there for
hours, smoking one cigarette after the other. The bottle of Scotch was
nearly empty when I finished with my story.

Ian was staring at his hands and for a while I thought that he was
sleeping.

'There is a way back.'

He suddenly said. His eyes met mine.

'Back to him? Back to a life with Justin?'

He nodded.

'But it's a tricky one and you have to stand in strong shoes to cope with
it all.'

'How can I return from the dead?'

Ian slowly lit another cigarette.

'Do you want to return from the dead?'

I closed my eyes. Do I want to go to Justin? Do I want to tell him that I
love him? I almost nodded. But do I want to face the others. Do I want to
see the pain in their eyes?

'I don't know.'

I slurred a little and my voice was hoarse from the alcohol and cigarettes.

'Do you miss them?'

'All of them?'

Ian nodded again.

'I don't miss them in person but I miss the little things. The fights Chris
and Joey had whilst playing their play station. Lance filling us in on the
new schedule. He always pulled this funny face. I miss the way we never
used words to understand each other. I miss the bond.'

Ian laughed.

'It sounds to me like you miss them terribly.'

I rubbed my face.

'Maybe I do. Now spill. What's your plan?'

Ian quickly filled me in on what he had in mind.

I rose to my feet and walked to the piano. I had to digest this all.

I started to play a few tunes. I started off with a sad one. The tones low
and raw. But I slowly moved to a happy song.

I suddenly spun around on my chair and yelled:

'I'm going home!'



Part 9

It took me a few days to get everything sorted. Mae and Ian helped me with
the landlord and the lease I had on the apartment. They paid for my bus
fare to Seattle where Nsync was on their tour. I said goodbye to them and
cried as Mae cried. Before I knew I was in the hotel. I unpacked my bags
and placed the farm on the table. I had renamed them all. It's Joey JR
now. I called them the juniors.

I sat down on the bed and called the reception. I was hoping that Justin
still used his silly name whilst on tour and he did. I could kiss him there
and than. I wrote down the room number and picked up the phone.

It rang a few times before he picked up.

'Lo?'

'It's me.'

I think that I heard him sigh with relief.

'I've been trying to call but...'

'I forgot to recharge the battery.'

'Are you ok?'

I suddenly felt so nervous.

'Ian knows everything.'

Justin gasped.

'What did he say?'

'He came up with a solution.'

'For what?'

Sometimes he could be so blonde.

'I can come back to you. I can be with you.'

He didn't speak a word.

'Just?'

I started to get worried.

'How?'

His voice was tense.

'Amnesia. I was involved in the accident. I hurt my head. I forgot who I
was and you found me. It just took me a while to be ready to meet
everyone.'

Again he didn't speak.

I could hear the others in the background.

'Put me on speaker phone.'

The instant the words left my mouth I regretted them.

'Ok.'

A button was pressed and suddenly everything I did was heard.

I took a deep breath.

'Hi.'

The room turned silent. I heard people move.

'Who's that?'

Lance.

'Justin?'

Chris.

'He sounds like...'

Joey.

I started singing. I had to do something. I choose a song we were working
on before JC died. A song that wasn't released. A song I had played for
endless nights at the restaurant.

They all started talking at once.

Someone got hold of the phone.

'Where are you JC?'

'My name is Joshua.'

'JC is dead.'

That was Chris. He sounded bitter.

I heard another scuffle and Justin came back on the phone.

'The speakerphone is off. Where are you?'

'I'm here Just. Room 1276.'

I quickly hung up. Maybe he didn't get the room number right. Maybe I still
had a chance to get away.

But I didn't move. I just sat there on my bed. Waiting for a knock on my
door.

It only took him two minutes to find my room. He softly knocked on the door
and called out my name.

I slowly rose to my feet. I walked to the door and opened it.

Unfortunately for me he wasn't alone. Chris pushed Justin aside and stormed
in the room. A panic rose inside me. Chris looked as if he was ready to
kill me. And this time for real. I took a few steps back until I felt the
table in my back.

'I...'

What could I say? Hi, sorry that I caused you so much pain in the last 12
months.

I stared at Justin. He was standing at the door, obviously not knowing what
to do.

Chris' nose almost touched mine as he stared me straight in my eyes. I
didn't even dare to blink. I felt his warm breath and I almost heard his
heartbeat.

He suddenly turned away from me and walked to Joey and Lance.

'He has JC's eyes.'

'My name is Joshua.'

I was dying for some Scotch and a cigarette now. I felt behind me and
touched the farm. I grabbed and cradled it in my arms. Joey JR was sitting
on top as usual.

I once again stared at Justin. He had to help.

Finally he opened his mouth and started talking.


TBC!?

Feedback can be send to alecsandria@yahoo.com Thanks