Date: Wed, 17 Jan 2001 03:52:00 -0000 From: JT Subject: Fated Love Chapter 11: I'll Love You Forever "I'm sorry baby! I'm really sorry for not trusting you. I'm really sorry for all the things I've done to you. You forgive me?" JC whispered through his sobs. "It's all over babe! I'm so happy it's all over. I'm so happy I'm back in your arms again" I said as I pulled him up. I leaned in to give him an angel kiss and wiped away the tears on his face. I couldn't stand to see the sad look on his face. I couldn't stand to see the hurt in his eyes at that moment. He tried to evade my eyes. I held his face with both of my hands and whispered softly "I love you JC. I love you so much that it hurt every second when I wasn't with you. But you know something baby? You have to stop blaming yourself for what have happened. We have to put all that behind us. I don't want to see the guilt in your eyes when I look at you. I want to see the tenderness, the love you used to show me when you look at me babe. Will you do that for me my love?" He nodded and whispered "I love you." "I love you too." "Always?" "Always!" "Forever?" "Forever and more! I'll love you forever JC. If you could live forever, I wish I could live one second less to forever so that I don't have to stand the pain of living without you JC. That's how much I love you" I leaned my head against his chest as his arms wrapped tightly around me. I missed the feeling of being in his strong arms. I missed the feeling of his body so close to mine. I sighed contentedly. It felt so right, so right when I was back in his arms again. I could hear his heartbeats. I could feel the warmth, the heat on his chest as he rubbed my back gently with his touch "JC, we have to talk" I raised my head to look at him. "Can we talk later baby? Right now I just want to stay here with you for a little while. Right now I just want to hold you, and kiss you. Please?" he pleaded to me. I nodded as I moved closer to kiss him. His lips felt so soft against mine. His tongue slowly entered my mouth, and I moaned softly as we kissed. I sighed again when we finished our kiss. We lay down on the bed with my head again on his chest and whispered "I love you so much JC. So much that I feel like I'm about to explode from all the love I have for you" "I love you too TT, so much that it hurts every time I think about you. I'll never let you walk out on me again baby. Never" he hugged me tightly when he finished. I felt a happiness that I never felt before. A happiness that I couldn't describe. "I never wanted to JC, not before, and never will. That's why I told you we need to talk" "K!" "Have you ever thought about why we keep ending up getting hurt JC?" He shook his head. "I thought about it a lot the last couple days" I raised my head to look at him. He caressed my cheek gently with his long, slender fingers "And you figure out why baby?" I nodded "Because we didn't have enough trust for each other JC. No I should say I didn't have enough trust in you. I wasn't really honest with you JC. I kept things from you, things from my past I that I didn't tell you because I was afraid it would destroy our relationship. I knew that I shouldn't keep them from you, yet I did it, and every time we had problems. Every time we had troubles, I ran away. I'm really sorry babe. I know that it's not how you suppose to, but I couldn't help it. It's just the way I deal with problems. I promise you that from now on I'll stay by your side no matter what. But you have to promise me something too" "Anything Tom! I'll do anything to keep us together" "I promise you that from now on I'll never keep anything from you. I'll give you all my trust, and I want you to do the same for me. I know that we can not predict the future. I know that we can not tell what will happen, all I want to say is that we have to promise each other that we will never let anything affect us. We will never let anything break us apart" "I promise you baby. I promise you that I will never let anything come between us. I promise you that I will try to do everything in my power to make you happy, and not hurting you anymore" he said softly as he leaned in and kissed me. His hand slowly began to unbutton the top buttons of my shirt and slipped inside my shirt. He rubbed my chest lightly. I let out a moan as he pinched my nipple. His other hand lifted up the tail of my shirt and rested on my stomach. His hands were so hot I felt like they were burning against my skin. His hand caressed my stomached a few times then it slowly moved further down and disappeared into my pants. I felt it brushed past my pubes quickly as he took a hold of my all ready erected cock. I gasped when his fingers wrapped around the shaft and squeezed it. It felt so good, so good to have him touch me there. It has been such a long time since I have been touched there, the feeling was incredible. I moaned louder and louder in his mouth as his hand moved faster and faster on my cock, squeezing it tightly between his strokes. With the other free hand, he began to unbutton my pants. I was burning up with desire for him to take me at that moment. My body was aching for his touch and kisses. Yet I didn't know why or how in the world I was able to do it but I grabbed his hand and stopped him when he tried to pull the zipper down. "Stop JC!" I whispered. "But I want you Tom. I want you so bad at this moment." "I can't do it right now JC. I'm really tired and I don't feel right doing it right now" I said as I pulled his hand out of my pants slowly. "K!" he said dejectedly. "You know that I'm always like this after I have a flight JC, and furthermore I want to go out to eat, and spend a little time with the guys. I think it's really rude for me to stay here and have sex with you. I didn't even have a chance to say anything to Chris and Joey beside hello and goodbye." "I'm sorry!" he mumbled. "For what baby?" "For acting like a jerk!" "No you're not JC! You're not acting like a jerk for showing how much you love me. You're not a jerk for showing how much you want me. I like it when you are like that JC. I like it when you want me everytime I'm near you. It means that I still have IT" I snickered. "You always have it baby. If anybody has it, it's you. You don't know how much you turn me on Tom. Right now I want to strip every pieces of your clothes. I want to run my tongue all over your body, kissing you, tasting you. But I guess I have to wait" he faked a sigh and then grinned. "You're such a tease JC. If you're trying to make me horny then you don't have to. You already succeeded if you remember what you did to my Thomas Jr. before" I laughed. That night we all decided to go clubbing. At first JC objected right away at the suggestion, but in the end he had to give in. I knew that he just wanted to stay home and spend some time alone with just the two of us. "Woohoo! Look at all the ladies. They are so fiiiiine!" Joey whistled and rubbing his hands together when he looked at all the girls at the club. "You're such a pervert Joey. When was the last time you get laid?" I laughed. I couldn't figure out why we decided to go to this club. I meant we have four gay guys, and we went to a straight club? Damn! That was really messed up. "Just before we left, I fucked Chris silly. Didn't you notice?" "JOEY!" Chris yelled as he punched Joey in the arm. "What?" he gave Chris an innocent look "We did have sex didn't we?" he grinned. Chris didn't say anything this time. He just laughed and gave him the finger. "See what I mean! Now he wants it again. I'm telling ya you can never have enough of Joey" "You and Chris didn't have sex did you?" I asked him. I couldn't tell if he was joking or not. "Off course not, I was just kidding Tom. God you're so gullible" he laughed. "Excuse me for being so innocent and CUTE!" I said throwing up my hands in the air. "You're full of shit Tom" Joey bent over laughing, grabbing his stomach. "What? You don't think I'm innocent and cute?" I smiled. "Innocent and cute my ass!" "Baby? Am I innocent and cute?" I stood in front of JC and caressed his chest lightly while batting my eyes at him. "Yes, you are very. Joey go and find yourself somebody already and leave my baby alone" "See?" I said as I poked my tongue out at him. "It doesn't count coming from him. Off course he would think you are" he countered. "It sure does count. He's the one who matter the most to me what he thinks you silly" I laughed. "Ok! Good one. Why don't I buy you a drink to make peace between us?" Joey said as he put his hand over my shoulder and walked me to the bar. "Now you're talking Joey! What are you getting?" "I don't care! Something strong. How about you?" he answered. "A Black Jack. I love it" I said. "K! Anybody else wants anything?" he hollered out to the guys. "Yeah!" I heard several answers and then each one of them gave their orders. "So Justin, has any girl caught your eyes yet?" I asked him. Justin looked at me for a few seconds and burst out laughing. "What?" I asked having no idea why he laughed. "In case you forget Tom, I'm playing the same team you are" he snickered. "Damn!" I smacked my head "And I haven't drunk anything yet" I laughed at my stupidity. "Wow! I'm so tired!" I said as I flopped on the bed after brushing my teeth and took a quick shower. "Not me! I feel so refresh and so good right now" JC emerged from the bathroom right after me, jumped on the bed and lay down next to me. He leaned in and kissed me. "Hmm!" I moaned in his mouth. His lips felt so good as they pressed tightly against mine. He tasted so good so good that I kept moving forward to taste him everytime he pulled away. He grabbed the towel that wrapped around my lower body and in a swift movement he pulled it off. I shivered as my cock was exposed to the cold air. JC took off his own towel and threw it on the floor then he claimed on top of me. He leaned down and kissed my Adam apple. I chuckled at the tickling sensation he gave me when he did this. Then his kisses gradually moved down lower and lower to my chest. A moan escaped my mouth as he stuck out his tongue and licked my nipple. JC's legs curled around mine. Our legs intertwined as JC moved up and down slowly, rubbing his cock at my thigh. I could feel his member getting harder and harder, bigger and bigger with each movement. His hands moved out searching for mine. Once he found them, his long, tender fingers quickly moved in between mine and wrapped around mine as his mouth moved closer to my neck. Our hands held on tightly to each other as he thrust more violently, rubbing his cock harder at me. I felt his hot tongue licking my neck, his tongue left a hot, wet trail on my neck as he moved closer to my ear. He nibbled my ear and whispered between his heavy breaths "I want you baby! I want you so bad right now" he nudged the inside of my thighs, spreading my legs as he situated between me. I could feel his cock begin to rub against my crack. I closed my eyes, pressed the back of my head into the pillow as I thrust my body up to him. He pulled himself up a little, pulling his hands away from mine as he caressed my cheeks with his hand. He held my face with both of his hand then lean down slowly and kissed me. I opened my eyes as I stared into his beautiful sky blue eyes. His eyes were so beautiful at that moment. They were sparkling under the dim light, and they were full of love and passion. I didn't know why. I didn't know what the hell was wrong with me but I slowly pushed him up a little and said "JC?" "Yes baby!" "Can we do it another time? I don't feel like doing it right now" A shock registered his face as he looked at me intensely making sure if I was serious. He pouted a little and shook his head "No, I want you right now. I want to make love to you right now Tom. Do you know how long have I been aching for you?" I didn't know what came over me but I pushed him off a little harder then the last time and said a little angrily "I said I don't feel like doing it right now OK?" He angrily rolled over to his side and pulled the comforter over his head. "JC?" "I don't want to talk to you Thomas Le" he whispered. I sighed and rolled over on my side. We stayed like that with our backs at each other for a while. I thought he already felt asleep when he suddenly spoke "I love you" I didn't know why but I didn't say anything and feigned sleep. After a while, I heard him sighed as he wrapped the comforter tighter around his body. I knew that he knew I wasn't sleeping, yet I didn't say anything. And the worst was I didn't feel anything. I didn't even feel sorry for what I did to him. I didn't even feel bad for hurting him. I knew that I really hurt him, yet I didn't feel anything. What the hell was wrong really with me? I woke up with an incredible thirst in the middle of the night. My throat was so dry and I was so dehydrated, must be from all the alcohol I drank at the club. I got up slowly and walked downstairs to get a drink. I opened the refrigerator and poured myself a glass of water. I felt a little better after I finished that glass of water. I poured another glass, and walked out of the kitchen and into the living room. I navigated through the darkness, and walked to the windows. I pulled up the curtains and looked outside. "Can't sleep?" "Holy shit!" I jumped as I heard somebody spoke. I almost dropped my glass of water. I turned around, and squinted my eyes trying to see who that person was. "It's me Tom!" he chuckled. "What the hell are you doing Justin? Trying to give me a heart attack?" I laughed "You almost made me piss in my pants" "Sorry! Didn't mean to. What are you doing up?" he asked. "I could ask you the same question" I said as I sat down next to him. By now my eyes were adjusted to the darkness and I could see him better "How come you don't go to sleep?" I asked as I saw that he was still wearing the same clothes he wore when he went clubbing. "Couldn't sleep" he said looking down on his lap. My eyes traveled down there and saw that he was holding a glass with something in it that I couldn't figure out. He swirled the glass around a little before put it to his lips and downed the rest of the fluid in the glass. "You still haven't answered my question. What are you doing up?" he asked. "To get a drink" I replied. "That's it?" "No" I shook my head. "What about you?" "I told you. I can't sleep" "I know that Blondie" I laughed "Problems?" He nodded. "You wanna talk?" He looked at me for a few seconds, unsure if he should tell me or not. "I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours" I bargained. "That sounds like a good idea" he smiled. "Good! Now spill it" "I'm falling in love Tom" "And that's a problem?" "Yes because I can't tell him that I love him" "Why Justin? Why can't you tell him that you love him?" "Because I know that he doesn't love me. I don't want another rejection Tom. I don't think I can handle another rejection. Furthermore he's too nice I don't want to mess him up." Justin said sadly. There was a great amount of pain in his voice, and I could tell the he still loves JC, and he hasn't really got over JC. "I don't love him anymore in case you wonder" "Huh?" I snapped out of my daze. "I said I don't love him anymore. You don't have to worry Tom" he smiled at me. "I'm not worried Justin" I said sincerely. "Ok! Now on to your problem, I think I have a slight idea what it's about though" "You do?" "My hair is blond doesn't mean I'm stupid you know?" he laughed "I can be very observing and sharp too" "Since you're so smart, why don't you tell me what it is?" "Do it involve a third person, and the way JC was so pissed when we dragged him to go clubbing?" He asked. I was so shocked at his accuracy. "I was right, right?" "Almost except for the third person part, which I'm not even sure if you're right or not" I said "Why did you think there's a third person?" "You see Brian and I are really good friends and he kinda of told me what happened between you and him. That's why I thought there was a third person" "Really?" "Really" he said "Now tell me what your problem really is already" "I really don't know what it really is Justin. But I'm not sure that Brian is a part of it. Did you know that I turned JC down twice since we met already. Just when we were about to make love, I stopped him. And I couldn't figure out why I did it. I know that I love him, and I really want to make love with him, but somehow, somehow I couldn't bring myself to do it" I said angrily. "You want to know how JC convinced me that we weren't meant for each other? You want to know how he did it?" Justin asked. I nodded. "He wrote a song for me" "He did? He never told me" I said. "Isn't it obvious why he didn't tell you? If he doesn't have to tell you, then I don't think he will ever bring up that subject. He doesn't want to talk about it because he's afraid that he would hurt you" I nodded. "You want to hear the song?" Again I nodded. Wow! I'm such a good listener ain't I? "He named it 'Don't Say It's Love' " Justin said and began to sing lowly We had it good for years now Don't let that change We've never needed answers To find the way Now all of a sudden Like waves on the beach Love has come crashing down The truth has been lost and found Don't say it's love, baby 'Cos you are to me What you want to be Don't say it's love, baby If our friendship is to survive Don't say it's love We've shared so many secrets Now kiss and tell You make one move to love me And it's farewell 'Cos, somewhere there's someone Who's waiting for you To love you more than I could Your heart was misunderstood Don't be a fool You'll be alone in your confusion If loving me is an illusion Then let it go Oh no no no no no Now I never counted On ending this way I always trusted fate But if we are not too late Don't say it's love, baby 'Cos you are to me What you want to be Don't say it's love "Wow!" was all I could mutter "He wrote that?" "Yup! Every single word of it. He wrote it all by himself. Now that I tell you this, does it help you any with your problem?" "Kinda!" I said as I thought about what JC wrote. I wondered if he knew about the person who loves Justin so much. Then I was pretty convinced that JC knew something that was why he wrote the verse " 'Cos, somewhere there's someone who's waiting for you to love you more than I could' " "Have you figured out what stopped you from making love with JC?" he asked. "Not really" "You want to hear my opinion?" "I'm all ears Justin" "I think it's because of Brian. I think in a way you feel like you would be cheating on JC if you made love with him while you know that you have feeling for Brian. You shouldn't come back here so soon Tom. You shouldn't have come back here till you really know whom you truly love. JC doesn't know about it does he?" "No, he doesn't. I haven't told him yet. I will tell him tomorrow. We promised each other that we will never let anything break us apart anymore, and I'm not going to let history repeats again. Thanks Justin, you're a really great friend. Now it's my turn. Three guess I can find out who you are falling in love with" "You need three? Now I'm not sure who is blond" he laughed. "OK! OK! I was just being careful, you know?" I snickered. "He has blond hair, and beautiful green eyes right?" "How you know?" Justin asked me quickly. "I'm not the only person who can be sharp and observing for your information" I poked out my tongue at him. Justin sighed "It sucks to be me. Why do I keep falling in love with somebody who I know there won't be a happy ending? First JC, now Lance. And the hardest thing is I'm around him all the time, yet I couldn't tell him about my feeling for him." "Justin, have you ever thought that if you had told JC that you love him before JC met me, then you two would have been together? Have you ever thought about that possibility?" I asked him. "Yeah I thought about that" "Good! I just made my point. Do you want what happened to JC happens to you and Lance again? I mean Lance deserves to know how you feel about him doesn't he? You should tell Lance then let him decide if he wants to be with you or not. And I believe if you want to tell Lance, you should do it fast. I mean he's not really a droll you know. Lance is really good looking and his personality is, well we know how his personality is. Anybody would jump to have a chance to be with him. Do you really want to lose him to somebody else before you regret and beat yourself for not telling him how you feel about him? Do you want that to happen?" Justin pondered at what I just said. "Goodnight Justin! Try to get some sleep. I'm going now. I have some unfinished businesses to settle" I said. Some where away, a man was sitting by himself with a glass and a bottle in his hands in a dark room. He looked down at his glass, and swirled the liquid around a little before he lifted it up to his lips. In one quick gulp, he downed the liquid. His face grimaced as the strong alcohol went down his throat. He leaned his head against the chair and sighed sadly. "I know I did the right thing. I know I did the right thing when I set you free" he mumbled to himself "You will be happier with JC than you are with me. That's why I let you go." He sighed again and poured some more in his glass. He brought it up to his eyes and stared at the glass for a moment and said "I should be happy for him because that's what he wants." Again in one gulp, he drank everything in the glass "What are you doing right now Tom? Do you even know that somewhere there's somebody is hurt so much because of you? Do you know that somewhere there's somebody who is thinking about you right now? Is he even on your mind at this time or are you sleeping happily in the arms of your love?" He couldn't finish what he wanted to say as he leaned his head against. He looked up at the ceiling trying to hold back the tears from rolling out of his eyes. He was startled by the sudden sound of the cellphone. He promptly sat straight up and searched for the cellphone "Hello?" he quickly flipped it open and answered it without checking to see who it was. "Hello Brian! How are you doing?" "Oh hello Jake!" Brian said half-heartedly. "Wow I can feel the love" the other party joked. "I'm sorry Jake, I thought you were somebody else" Brian apologized. "Tom?" "Yeah!" "I can't believe that he can go and see JC even though he knows how much you love him. I can't believe he can go and see JC even when he knows that he loves you too. I think he's really an asshole for doing that to you Brian." "Don't call him that Jake. He's not an asshole. You haven't met him yet and you don't know how he is" Brian said defensively. "You're still defending for him after what he did to you? You're still defending for him after he left you for JC?" "He hasn't left me for JC yet. We don't know that yet" "Oh come on Brian! You actually think that he will come back to you? Brian, I'm sorry that I sound harsh. I'm sorry if I hurt you but you have to face the reality. He's not going back to you, he's going back to JC. You have to let him go Brian or you're just hurting yourself. I don't want you to get hurt Brian" Jake said sadly. "I know that I did the right thing when I told him to go and see JC. I don't regret what I did, but it hurt me much more than I thought. I thought that I would be ok, but now I wish I hadn't done that. I really wish he is here with me right now Jake. I wish he is here with me right now so bad" Brian managed to finished what he was trying to say through his sobs. "Oh Brian! I know that you will regret doing this, and I know that you will be hurt. But I didn't expect you to be hurt this much" Jake sighed sadly. "I'm sorry Jake but I can't talk right now. Can't I talk to you another time?" "K Brian! Call me if you need anything OK?" "K! Thanks Jake. You're a really good friend" "You're welcome Brian. Try to have some sleep. You may feel better in the morning. I'll talk to you another time. Take care Brian" "Take care Jake!" Brian sighed after he closed his cellphone. His mood was even worse after his conversation with Jake "You have to stop fooling yourself Brian. He's not coming back to you. Right now he's so happy with JC, he wouldn't even remember you" Brian said sadly as he felt a single tear rolled out the corner of his eye. Once again his thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the cellphone. Brian reluctantly opened his cellphone. "Hi Brian!" "Tom?" I felt an incredible ache in my heart when I heard his voice. It was only one single word that he spoke yet I could feel a tremendous amount of pain. There was an ackward silence between us. I couldn't think of anything to say to him. Finally I let my heart took over and said "I miss you Brian. I miss you so much" "Tom..." "What are you doing Brian?" I tried to start a conversation with him. "Tom..." I sighed. The last three sentences he spoke all started with my name, and nothing else. I must have hurt him really bad "I'm sorry Brian. You don't know how miserable I am feeling right now when I know how much I hurt you" "Just tell me one thing Tom. Are you happy right now?" "You mean am I happy with JC right now?" "Yes, Tom" "Yes, I am Brian but..." "That's enough for me Tom. Knowing that you're happy is enough for me. It makes everything I did worthwhile." We didn't say anything else for a while till he spoke again "It's late Tom, I'll let you go. I'll talk to you another time." "K Brian! Goodnight Brian" "Goodnight Tom!" "Brian?" "Yes?" "I do you know?" He didn't say anything for a few seconds "I know, and I never doubt about that" "Bye Brian!" "Bye Tom!" I hung up the phone after I said bye to Brian. I leaned against the wall, and closed my eyes for a little. I was startled when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I opened my eyes and saw Justin's concerned face "Are you ok?" "Yeah! Thanks Justin" "You're welcome anytime. You really love him heh?" "Yes, I felt really bad for hurting him but one of us has to be out of the equation. I feel really bad that I have to do that to Brian, but I have no other choice. I really love Brian he's a very nice guy. But it doesn't matter how much I love Brian, my love for JC is undying and more. I would screw everybody or hurt anybody before I do it to him. To me he always comes first" "Now I know why he loves you so much. I couldn't understand why before but I do now. I'm really happy that you two are back together Tom" "Thanks Justin! I'm really happy that we become friends despite everything that has happened between us. You're a really good friend Justin, the best a person could ask for" "Thanks Tom! You are too. Now go and settle your unfinished business" I nodded and said "Nite Justin!" I entered the bedroom and looked at the bed. JC was sleeping soundly with the comforter covered almost all his body beside his face. His breaths were even, and peaceful. I slowly pulled of my boxers and stepped out of them. I walked to the bed, lifted up the comforter and crawled under it. I then slowly and carefully crawled on top of him. I tried not to put any weight on him as I leaned down and kissed him lips gently. My hands traveled down his lean, muscular body. His skin felt so smooth and intoxicating as I ran my hand lower and lower down his body till I rested it on soft cock. He was still totally naked from the sexual incident before. I pressed my lips harder against his lips as my hand began to massage his cock. I cupped his balls. They are so huge, and I could feel the weight they had on my hand at that moment as I squeezed them slightly. I could sense that his cock is responding to the stimulation my hand doing on it as it grew bigger and bigger. It wasn't hard yet, but it was definitely not in its original form, and it continued to get harder and bigger through my touch. I could feel JC was beginning to respond to my kiss also. His mouth opened slightly to invite my tongue to enter as he moaned softly. We kissed passionately for a while till I came back. "What is it baby?" he whispered as he stared at me. His sky blue eyes were so beautiful at that moment "I'm really tired and I need to sleep" he whispered again as he leaned forward and angel kissed me softly on my lips. I felt an incredible surge of happiness through out my entire body that I couldn't describe "I want you JC. I want to feel you inside of me right now" He raised his head trying to say something, but I put a finger on his lips "Shsss! Please don't say anything babe! Please let me make love with you! Please let me feel you inside me right now. I need you to be inside of me right now at this moment JC" I pleaded desperately to him. He nodded his head as I moved up and sat on his stomach. I bent down to kiss him as I took a hold of his cock and lowered myself on to it. JC gasped lowly as I eased onto his cock. He bucked his hips to get deeper into me. I moaned louder in JC's mouth as he fully penetrated me. His arms wrapped tightly around my waist as he sat up. My arms immediately circled his neck. I began to move up and down faster and faster on his cock with an eagerness that scared me. I threw my head back and let out a moan in ecstasy as I felt JC's hot mouth on neck. He kissed my neck, then licked his way slowly down my shoulder where he bit it slightly. "Oh JC! I love you so much" I panted in my heat of passion. "I love you too baby. I love you too. I can't hold on much longer TT. You want me to cum inside of you? You want me to cum inside of you my love?" JC whispered softly into my ears. He didn't wait for me to answer as he sealed my mouth with his. His arms wrapped tighter around me as he bucked his hips continuously. I could feel his cock expand inside of me. His whole body shook as he shot, and shot inside of me. I collapsed on top of him as he lay down on the bed. His hands gently stroked my back and ran through my hair slowly "I love you JC" I whispered after I kissed his chest. "I love you too TT. What is that for?" he kissed my head "Eh...you didn't want to do it before" he said hesitantly. "I'm sorry about before. Were you mad at me babe?" He pondered for a few seconds and said "Yes, I was mad at you. I was really frustrated baby. Not because I couldn't have sex with you. I don't care about sex TT. I was frustrated because I couldn't show you how much I love you, how much I wanted you. I wanted to show you all my love for you and the only way I know is making love to you. I was mad because I couldn't do it" "I'm sorry JC. It's not that I didn't want to make love with you. It's just that I couldn't do it. I just couldn't bring myself to think of somebody else when I was in your arms. I couldn't bring myself to make love with you while the image of somebody else appears in my head. I can't do that JC. It's not my nature, and I can never do that to you. I love you too much, and I treasure what we have. I don't want anybody to come between us JC. I'm sorry for treating you like that babe. You forgive me?" I kissed his lips after I finished. "Take my hand and look me in the eye. What other reason can I give to you? When I want you and I need you. What other reason can I give to you When I want you, 'cos I love you" he sang softly to me. "That's beautiful" I commented. "Not as beautiful as you are love" he whispered. "You're going to make me cry JC" I said. "Then cry baby! There's nothing wrong with crying when you're happy as long as they are happy tears. That's what I want for you from now on, nothing but happiness." "You don't want to know who I thought of when we were about to make love before?" I asked him. "That's not important to me anymore. You're in my arms now, not his. You're not thinking about him, and I know you don't love him as much as you love me. Yes, I wonder who he is. I want to know who he is, but I know if you think I should know about him you would tell me. I made a mistake for not trusting you before and I had to pay for it. It cost me six months of being miserable without you TT, and I will not make that mistake again. I can tell you without any doubt baby. I'll trust you and love you with all my heart" I couldn't say anything after hearing what he said. I was so touched by his words. Tears rolled out of my eyes and felt down on his chest. "Please don't cry baby" he whispered softly as he wiped away the tears with his fingers "I know I just told you that it's ok to cry when you're happy. I know I told you it's ok to cry as long as they are happy tears, but it's still killing me to see you are crying. My heart aches when I see you cry TT" I lifted my head up and tried to wipe away the tears with the back of my hand "I love you Joshua Scott Chasez. I love you so much" "I love you too baby. You don't know how much I love you TT. You don't know how scared I was when you were in the hospital. I--I--" he tried to speak but the words couldn't come out of his mouth. "What is it babe?" "When the doctor said you might not make it through mid night, I was so scared baby. At that moment I was so scared when I thought you would leave me. I knew that I could never live if you had left me, especially when you still haven't forgiven me for what I've done to you. I thought, and I decided that if something happens to you, I don't want to live anymore. I decided that I would go with you Tom." I didn't know why but I felt a rage rising up in my body. I knew that he loves very much but the thought of him doing that. That thought was maddening me "JC!" I said loudly. "I don't remember which culture it is, but I remember I read it somewhere" JC spoke quickly and motioned for me to listen to him "I read that before a person reincarnates, he has to go through this place that he has to drink something that make him forget everything in his previous life. He has to drink it before he goes on to his next life. The drink will erase all his memories from his past life. If that's true. If that ever happens to me. You know what I would do baby?" he didn't wait for me to answer as he went on "I would never take that drink. I would never erase what I have with you. I want to be with you not only for just this life but for the life after and after and after. I want to be with you forever baby." I sighed "If there's reincarnation, if there's life after life I would do the same thing. I want to be with you forever too. But JC, the world doesn't just revolve around us. You don't need me to live. You don't need me to carry on with your life. I'm not the determining factor of your life JC. I don't want you to think that if something happens to me you have to end your life for me. Just the thought of you doing that because of me makes me so angry JC" He wanted to say something. The look on his face told me that he didn't agree with what I just told him, but he didn't want to argue with me. He looked away from me with a dissatisfied and disappointed look on his face. I held his face with my hand and turned him back to look at me "Please look at me JC. I didn't tell you that to hurt you babe. God forbids if I die this young and beautiful..." I stopped and smiled as I saw I have put a smile on his face "God forbids if that happens I want you to continue to live JC. I want you to live your life to the fullest. I know that I sound selfish and hard hearted, but I would never kill myself if something happens to you JC. I know that I will suffer. I know that I will be miserable, probably for the rest of my life. I may not find somebody whom I can love and love me like you love me, but I'll go on and live. Promise me you would do the same. Promise me no matter what you would never do that" That's it for now everybody.