Date: Thu, 10 Aug 2000 22:43:00 +0100 (GMT+01:00)
From: dreamer@beautifulboy.co.uk
Subject: Finding a Belief #5 {} { MM Celebrity Boy-Bands } [5!?]

WARNING: This story contains relationships between adults
of the same sex. If you are too young or if this isn't your thing,
then go read some of Sharon Maas's book Of Marriageable Age.
If anyone's read God of Small Things, by Arundhati Roy, it's
kind of like that, only crossed with Louis de Bernieres' Captain
Corelli's Mandolin. I'm really plumbing pop culture today, aren't I? : )

DISCLAIMER: This story is FICTION. It doesn't imply anything
about the sexuality of Nick Carter, or any other Backstreet Boy,
nor does it imply their characters and/or behaviour are as portrayed.

Woohoo! On time, at last, and the right sort of length too!

Here's part five. Before it starts though, I want to say hello
to John, who in his own inimitable way made me happy again and
restored my faith in gaydom after Monday, (although he doesn't know
it... well, he does *now* <g>), and I'd like to point everyone to his
story, 'A Little Bit of Love'. It's very good, even if he does like Nick
more than Justin. :-P

Now, I'm going to come over all needy here and say, email me
please. : ) I really want to know what people think, or if there's
anyone still reading!
The address is: dreamer@beautifulboy.co.uk


Finding a Belief-5:

	Nick paced up and down in the hotel room impatiently,
annoying the hell out of Howie.
	"Nick, for god's sake, will you just sit down? So they didn't
come to the concert, so what? They weren't obliged to, it was just an
idea that they could have taken up, if they wanted."
	"But we went to all that trouble --"
	"Nick, you're talking crap man, you know how easy it is for us
to get tickets for people we want to come."
	"So? It still doesn't make this right!" After all that had
happened, the least that Alex could have done was shown up. It didn't
help that he felt like a complete fool waiting for them to turn up,
glancing off into the wings in between songs, and sometimes even
during songs, wondering where the hell they were. Obviously Alex
didn't care enough to make an appearance.
	"What 'right' are you talking about, Nick?" asked Kevin,
speaking at his usual relaxed pace, irritating Nick further, who was
beginning to want just to rip the words out of Kevin's throat. "It was
their choice. And what if something bad has happened? You're going
on about how deprived *you* feel --" and suddenly Kevin began to feel
an irrational anger rising in his gorge, anger at Nick's actions earlier,
anger at his reaction now, anger at Padma's disappearance "-- when
you're just being selfish. Think about someone else for a change."
	Nick turned on him. "Don't you lecture me! I'm not a little kid
any more, and more to the point, I'm not your kid either. I don't need
to be taught how to live by you." Brian shot an apprehensive look
across at AJ and Howie. It looked like this was going to turn into a
proper argument. AJ cocked his head in the direction of the door, and
Brian nodded in agreement. Howie mumbled something about needing
to find a drink as cover as they stumbled over each other in their haste
to get out of the room.
	"Well sometimes you really behave like a little kid Nick, and
someone has to kick your butt to get you back into gear."
	"And that someone's you, is it?" Nick shouted.
	"Well, everyone else seems to be letting you get away with
everything. Do you think anybody actually enjoys the practical jokes
you play on everyone, especially poor Brian? They just don't want to
rock the boat, so they say nothing."
	"Oh, really. Well, get them in here and we'll see. Go on!" Nick
crossed to the door and held it open. Kevin made no move, and so
Nick slammed it shut. "And what did you do to Padma to make her
react that way last night?"
	Kevin's eyes narrowed. "I... what has she got to do with
anything?"
	"It clearly demonstrates your superior habits doesn't it? And
based on that I don't think you're in any position to kick anyone's butts
anywhere."
	Kevin flushed angrily, and walked towards Nick, who shrank
away slightly, but Kevin merely walked out of the door, flinging it shut
so hard that the frame cracked.

	Oblivious to the stir their absence had caused, Padma and Alex
had happily caught a film in the cinema. Well, Alex was happy anyway.
Padma was preoccupied. On second thoughts, so was Alex. When they
entered the lobby of the Boys' hotel, they found Brian, AJ, and Howie
sitting awkwardly on the leather sofas, looking tired. Padma headed off
to find something to drink.
	"Hey there," greeted Alex. "Why y'all down here?"
	"Uh... Kevin and Nick are just having a little confrontation
upstairs. We're kind of avoiding the fallout," explained Brian. "How
comes you didn't get to come to the concert?"
	"Oh, Padma was a little down, so I treated her to dinner and
stuff, and had to blow off the concert. Sorry man."
	"That's okay. You might want to save the apologies for Nick
though. He's kind of cut up that you didn't come."
	"Hm? Why?"
	"Who knows? You'd better ask him and get him out of that
damned mood he's been in since it ended."
	"Is that why he and Kevin are...?" There was a gap after he
said this, and he became aware of the quiet tinkling of running water
that cascaded off a tiny fountain in the planting behind them.
	Brian looked puzzled. "Fighting? Dunno. It started off that
way at the beginning. God knows what they've got on to now."
	"Jeez. If I'd known it would have caused so much problem I
wouldn't have missed it."
	"No, honestly, it's okay. I understand you had to be there for
her. I think Nick thinks you just blew it off because you didn't feel like
it. Is she okay now?"
	"Yeah, pretty much. She's been kind of quiet, but she'll get
over it."
	Brian scratched his head. "Is it about Kevin?"
	Alex paused before answering. "Ye-es. But please, don't ask me
any more, I don't think it's my business to say what, you know?"
	"That's cool. I hope they get it sorted out."
	Not much chance of that, thought Padma as she reapproached
the group. Howie looked up at her and asked her if she was okay. She
was oddly touched by this and smiled her response.
	"Will you go up and talk to Nick?" asked Brian.
	"Are you asking me or requesting me?"
	Brian chuckled. "Yes."
	Alex grinned. "Don't worry, I'd already intended to anyway."
	Padma looked concerned. "What will I do in the meantime?"
	"You're a big girl now, I think I can leave you alone here. Why,
won't you be able to cope? Too many men for you?"
	Padma shoved him down on to the sofa next to Brian. The
smell of leather enveloped him. "You shut up. I can never have too
many men."
	"I'm sure," laughed Brian as Alex rose again. Padma made a
face at him that was stuck somewhere in between cross and smiling and
ended up looking pretty witless. Alex could hear Brian laughing even
harder as he crossed to the lift.

	Having been swiftly whisked up to the fiftieth floor, and with
the doors having dinged open, Alex stepped out on to the plush cream
carpet. He cocked his head to hear if the argument still was continuing,
but no sound reached his ears. Silently he proceeded down the corridor,
and stopped outside Nick's door, paused for a moment, then changed
his mind and went on to Kevin's room. He knocked twice. The door
opened almost immediately. Kevin's shoulders slumped when he saw
Alex standing there, but he beckoned him in nonetheless.
	"Are you okay? I heard about the argument."
	Kevin exhaled. "Mm. It's not too bad, we sometimes have
arguments, you get used to it. It's only part of the life though, having to
spend all one's time with the same four guys: of course there are going
to be conflicts now and then." His voice faltered, as though he were
vacillating over how to broach the next topic. "Uh... have you spoken
to Pad?" Alex nodded. "How is she?"
	"She's okay."
	"Did... did she tell you what was wrong?"
	"Yes."
	"... I... uh."
	Alex took pity. "Ask her, she'll tell you now. Maybe the second
time won't be so hard. Go, now."
	"Thanks." Kevin rushed out of the still-open door. Alex felt a
sudden pang in his heart, but stilled it and proceeded on to Nick's
room. He stopped a minute outside the door composing himself, and
listening to the bleeps and homogenized music of the Nintendo. He
tapped at the door. The sound stopped and there was silence for a
moment, broken at the end by the almost inaudible creak of the door
on its hinges as it opened. The room was dark, except for the pale puffs
of light coming from the television, where the game had been paused.
	Nick's eyes widened. "Oh! It's you. You'd better come in, I
guess."
	"Before you start shouting at me," began Alex hastily, "lemme
explain. Padma was really really down because of the whole... thing
with Kevin, and I just couldn't let her be on her own, I couldn't."
	Nick looked abruptly guilt-stricken, recalling the incident at
rehearsals earlier. "Is she all right?"
	God, thought Alex, how many times has that question been
asked in the past two days? "She's managing in her typical way."
	"Oh."
	"Anyway, you okay?"

	Nick shrugged. "I had an argument with Kevin." Well, he had.
He supposed it needed more explaining than that, but he wasn't in the
mood. But then he looked at Alex's face, saw an indescribable
something in it, and felt all his reticence melt away, and his mouth
began speaking of its own volition. "He's still mad at me because I
asked Padma what was up earlier." He registered Alex's frown. "No, I
knew: he told me." The frown deepened. "Alex, lighten up man, he told
me 'cause he needed someone to talk to. Just as Padma goes to you,
because she didn't know what to do, so does he come to me sometimes.
And Padma had been ignoring him all morning. Anyway, they'll sort it
out..." Alex looked dubious. "Won't they?"
	"I don't think it's that simple. While Kevin probably thinks that
it just went wrong on the night, I think it may be worse for Padma."
	Nick looked worried. "Why?"
	Alex sighed and sat down heavily on the bed, covering his face
with his hands; Nick closed the door. "He took her virginity." Oh heck,
thought Nick. He didn't know whether Alex was supposed to be telling
him this, but he did know Alex must respect his views to break such a
confidence. Irrationally, he was pleased, but he suppressed the feeling
as fast as he could. Kneeling down before Alex, he placed his hands on
his knees and gazed up into his liquid brown eyes, wanting suddenly to
be able to lift Alex from his troubles.
	"How are you?" he asked keenly.
	"Me?" Alex was surprised by the question.
	"You look kind of down."
	"Do I? I guess I do. She worries, so I worry. It works that way,
and vice-versa." He rubbed the bridge of his nose tiredly.
	"Don't," said Nick softly, taking Alex's hand. Warm and soft
and dry, it was wonderful to hold, and Nick suddenly wondered what
had got into him. He looked up at Alex to find an indecipherable
emotion alight upon his face, then disappear just as easily as it had
arrived. Nick was suddenly filled with all kinds of feelings, feelings he
knew existed, that he'd put away for a long, long time. And truth be
told, he wasn't upset that they'd come. He lost though, unable to take
the stare of those two eyes, that carried a wandering whirl of... nothing.
Nick glanced down and away, and then the still paused Nintendo game
caught his eye.
	"Wanna play?" he asked. The moment vanished like a Cheshire
cat, leaving a smile in both of them.
	"I don't really feel like it..." said Alex doubtfully.
	"Go on, just one?"
	"Oh, whatever."
	They played, and whether it was by chance, or whether Nick's
concentration, or heart, was elsewhere, or he recognized the gloom that
needed uplifting in his friend's features, Nick lost. And gradually, bits
of the old Alex came floating back. He may have yielded the game, but
Nick knew he'd won.

	It was late, too late for Alex to go home. He called his mother,
who seemed to squawk at him indignantly down the phone, like in all
those cartoons, and then acquiesced. So again he was faced with the
prospect of Nick and him alone in the room all night. To distract
himself from the disquiet he felt building within, he thought about
Padma.

	Nick saw the caravan of expressions proceed across Alex's
face, and wondered what was going on in that busy head of his. Nick
was being enchanted by Alex, by his slow-moving spell that seemed to
work its way from the ground up, a spell that contained his smooth
body, a flash of his grin, these warm brown eyes. He knew it was
absurd, but he truly did feel warm looking into Alex's eyes, as though
they rivalled the sun in its heat. Nick chuckled at himself momentarily.
Look at me. I'm waxing lyrical about someone's eyes, about Alex's eyes,
about his eyes, about a boy's eyes. The mirth faded though as his
thoughts suddenly hit home. He thought he had left it all behind him,
all the feelings, all the junk, all the baggage. Not really. A name
breathed from his past. Jamie.

	Click. There went the overload cut-off switch. Nick waited for
the emergency power to go on in his head. Whenever things got too
hot, too deep, too complicated, the serious side of Nick would shut
down, leaving its goofy twin, who joked and played video games to
win, and played tricks. And here came the emergency twin. Call Nick
schizophrenic if you want... I suppose it is, in a nice sort of way.

	Therefore Alex found himself picked up and thrown, first over
Nick's shoulder as he carried him to the bed, and then on to the bed
itself. Alex looked up at Nick in mock-aggrievance.
	"Hey, you maniac! What's up with you?"
	"Nothing," said Nick, smiling very brightly (there was really no
other way how). "Just got tired of you being so-o-o se-ri-ous." He
mimed a long face.
	Alex laughed. "You're completely insane -- wait, are you
drunk?"
	Nick stuck his tongue out at him. "No!" He paused. "I'm never
this bad when I'm drunk..."
	Alex waited for the inevitable ending of the sentence. It came.
"...I'm worse." Alex groaned. "You had to say it, didn't you?"
	Nick jumped down next to where he lay on the bed, causing
him to bounce. "Hey, watch it!" Nick calmed down and they lay there
side by side on the bed staring at the ceiling, each in his own world.
The silence was untroubled, Alex closed his eyes. Nick shifted suddenly
so the back of his hand touched Alex's next to him. Alex's eyes flicked
open suddenly, but he stayed where he was, and instead was sent
spiralling down in an eddy of confusion again. It felt too comfortable;
and the tingling Nick's touch incited was making him high. Alex sighed,
and pressed back against Nick's hand. After some time, he was finally
steeled to glance over at Nick, only to find his eyes shut, his breathing
relaxed and calm. Grasping Nick's hand momentarily and squeezing, he
smiled briefly and unhappily, and closed his eyes.

	The conjunction of stars that twinkled gleefully down upon
them was full of sheer malice. Rancour sparked here and there, hatred
for the world beneath. It was under these stars that the spell was woven
into the tapestry, and doomed before it was even complete. Just a little
flaw at the beginning, was causing an offset here, a missing thread
there. Events that were supposed to be correct reversed, and
somewhere in Texas did the wings of a bird beat as it flew through the
air.

	Yet the sun, he was content to beam upon them, and give them
respite, however short, from the sea of troubles ahead. And so it was
that when Nick's eyes fluttered open the next morning, he found Alex's
hand in his. He remained motionless, feeling inexplicably contented; it
was the first time he had woken up in the morning for weeks after
having a deep sleep, and it seemed he had got his required eight hours.
And he was holding Alex's hand. I should probably take it away, he
thought. It remained where it was. He looked across at Alex and smiled
instinctively. Alex's head leant towards his own, lips parted slightly, in
peaceful sleep. Nick propped himself up on his elbow and watched
him.

	But somewhere around eleven o'clock, the sun went in. The
Indians looked up, the chhatri-wallahs came out, and the children
laughed. Tick. The Backstreet Boys were in the studio, talking over
concepts for the production of two new tracks with producers,
oblivious to the weather or for that matter, the world outside. When it
came to recording time, Nick sang with such passion that he eclipsed
the others, his young, slightly raw voice taking and holding centre stage,
while the others fell into harmony around it. They congratulated him,
clapped him on the back, and Brian saw a sparkle in his eye and
wondered what it meant. Tick. The hours passed. They emerged for
lunch briefly, excitably talking about the new songs, not noticing the
subdued thrill in the air around them. It was as if everything had fallen
silent in anticipation, each and every living thing all around them was
waiting expectantly, as if in each heart of plant, beast, and man, there
was a clock that marked out the hours, minutes, seconds, nanoseconds
until... Tick. Brian accosted Nick just before they re-entered the studio.
	"Nick," he began, then stopped. What was he going to ask
him? Why his singing had been so amazing? Why he was so happy?
How would that look? He sighed. "Never mind."
	Nick looked at him quizzically, but followed him into the
studio. The door closed.

	He knew. Dammit, he knew. He didn't want to fucking know,
but he knew. He couldn't hope to work it out now; too late did he
realize, so caught up was he previously in the 'how' of the matter, that
the 'why' had fleetingly eluded his mind. Alex sat on his bench in the
park and wondered what he could do to stop fate in its tracks.

	Padma picked up the telephone, and called her mother,
gingerly dialling, as though each digit-hole was encircled by spikes.
	Click. "Hello?"
	"Hello, ma?"
	"Lali, is that you?"
	Padma's lip trembled, but she held it back. "Yeah it's me."
	The mother's instinct ran deep and true in her parent. "What's
wrong?" she asked immediately.
	"Ma, I need to come home." Padma, as she had done so many
times before, composed herself, going through a little physical ritual to
remind the mental: smoothing her hair, sitting up straighter, uncrossing
her legs. She had been doing this forever when talking to her parents, at
every big step of the path she was walking down: when she continued
her education, when she started work, when she moved out.
	"Then come."

	A smile played upon Nick's lips as he sang the next song. An
idea was beginning to unfurl in Brian's head, one that he didn't
particularly like, and didn't want to play court to. Nick's eyes were shut;
he was in a world of his own, and his singing seemed to be coming
from the very bottom of his soul. Whether due to jealousy or genuine
desire to have the song work, his virtuoso tendencies were beginning to
irritate Kevin. "Nick, we need to hold the harmony line. If you're gonna
go off on your Mariah-esque quavering vocals here, then you'll put AJ
in the shade."
	They started again.

	The heat upped a notch. It began to strangle the city, throttling,
asphyxiating. The humidity made breathing air like breathing soup.
Alex watched as the starlet woman was dragged along by her dogs
again. He watched as the sprinklers were turned off, and taken inside
by the park-keepers. He watched as his fate sealed itself. He suddenly
remembered the one constant in his life. He rose, and walked off
towards the coast.

	Padma paid the rickshaw driver and glanced about her. The
area was the same and different. The green-blue paint of the once
gaudily decorated gate was now chapped and peeling. Rust covered the
remaining parts. She opened it; and passed through the rudimentary but
high cement walls, blackened with the kerosene fumes of the rickshaws,
and stepped into the courtyard. The terrecotta-red of the thin tiles had
changed too, and there were more cracks than she remembered. Dust
was spread around her, and round the side of the angan it had
encroached on the garden. Here and there a lifeless plant stood, mere
reminders of the life that she recalled. She climbed the three stairs to
the door and faced its irregular, coarse patches of turquoise paint. She
pulled on the bell. There was a bustle, and the door opened. She had
resolved to be self-controlled, but as soon as she caught sight of her
mother, the composure cracked like too many layers of makeup. She
fell weeping into her mother's arms.

	Kevin threw off his headphones in disgust. It was fair enough
that Nick sing his best on the first song, for much of it was his, but
here it was counterproductive. Nick was throwing everyone into the
shade, and it wasn't working. Brian looked at his cousin worriedly. He
seemed too rattled for it to merely be a result of Nick's singing. They
had had off-days in the studio before, and everyone else seemed to be
taking it in stride. Then he looked at his best-friend, and even through
Nick's face wasn't smiling, his eyes were. It was what Brian had feared,
and according to his figuring, there was only one person who could be
the result of it. Damn.

	Alex tapped on Padma's door. He waited. He tapped again, and
he waited again. There was no answer. The jauntiness in his step faded,
and he sighed. She wasn't there. There was nothing else he could do
now but wait for her. And after that, he'd await the inevitable.

	Padma laid it all down: the group, Kevin, Alex. Her mother
listened, and heard her daughter's pain. She looked at her child and was
suddenly transported back to another time, and a much smaller Padma
was there kneeling before her, confessing her misdemeanours, but with
a gleam in her eye. The gleam had gone now.

	They had shut up recording for the day at the request of Kevin.
Brian knew he wanted to say something, but didn't know what. Nick
was serious now, looking determined.

	Alex paced impatiently around his room. He couldn't
understand where Padma had gotten to. He desperately needed to talk
to her.

	So her mother gave her the one thing that she could give. She
gave her hope.
	"Tell him. You have to tell him, or you'll wonder what
happened for long afterwards."
	"Can I use your phone?"

	Kevin looked at Brian. "I don't know what's gotten into him,"
he said.
	"Could it be something you were arguing about before?" asked
Brian, wishing desperately that it was.

	The phone rang.
	"Hello?"
	"It's me," said Padma. "Can you meet me in the Nehru Park, as
soon as you can? It's the usual place, near the bandstand." The call was
over soon after, and Alex scribbled a note to Nick and raced across to
his hotel.

	The clouds seemed to be lowering, wishing to touch the very
earth with their embrace. They made fleet progress across the sky, and
Padma waited dutifully in the midst of the billows and waves of the
overgrown yellowing grass. Though mid afternoon, darkness gripped
the world, and on the horizon a vast black gloom was accumulating. He
looked at her in concern.
	"Are you alright?" he asked.
	"I'll live. Listen, Alex, there was something I want to tell you."
	"Please Padma, I've been bursting to tell you this all afternoon.
Lemme go first?" Far away a clamour began, as though the very earth
were groaning with their plight.
	"No, this is important, please." She was almost begging, and
she could feel the situation falling away from her. /tell him, tell him
now, before it's too late/
	"Just one second, that's all I ask. I need your advice with
something, since you're my best friend --" Padma flinched at this. "--
and this has never happened before, and I don't want to lose another
friend, so please?"
	Padma considered the request.

	The thread came loose, and unwove.

	Alex took a deep breath. "I think I'm in love with Nick."
	Padma stood perfectly still. As though torturing her, the wind
beat her face and the screeching call of a circling crow could be heard
far away. She had been so close, and yet it had been taken away from
her. She couldn't tell him now, she couldn't do that to him, and was
rapidly fighting a losing battle to keep the anguish from showing on her
face. She turned away shakily. "... then..." She took a deep breath.
"Then tell him. Go, tell him. Don't stay silent." Her voice had shrunk
to almost nothing by the end of her utterance. "Go, before..." Before I
tell you I love you. Before I tell you I've always loved you. Before I ruin
everything. He hugged her, a light in his eyes, and stood before her for
a moment stripped of everything, just as Alex, plain, simple, beautiful
Alex. He was suddenly unattainable, snatched from within her grasp to
eternity.
	He was gone; the storm broke. She gave way to the
slaughtering onslaught of weary despair that had been biting at her, an
onslaught that tore at her very soul and made her heart wail with pure
agony. She turned away once more, and heard the rustlings of his
footsteps as they faded into the distance, as he went to tell someone
else that which she should have told him. Then came a distant thrum
that grew gradually and unceasingly into a roar, a battle cry that
screamed his name at her, taunting her. It rained. Loosing upon the
earth a myriad host of raindrops that unrelentingly hammered at her,
the heavens gave way to their need. Tears mingled with the rain
coursing down her fair cheeks. She didn't know how long she stood
there in the field, staring into nothing, but when she finally rose from
her emptiness, her clothes were soaked through, her hair clung to her
head and her body ached. The rain had softened its first assault to a
steady stream from the sky, and slowly, but nonetheless quite surely,
she began the wearing march home.

---ooo000ooo---

Wow, that was really draining to write : ) Well, that's it for this time, I
guess it'll be another fortnight! Please send any feedback to:
dreamer@beautifulboy.co.uk

See ya!