Date: Tue, 14 Mar 2000 22:47:51 EST
From: Faradhi269@aol.com
Subject: For-Justin's-Love-8

*This story is a work of fiction.  This does not imply that the sexuality
of anyone mentioned in it is in question.  Wish we knew, but too bad.*

	I stayed up all night writing.  I didn't even realize that my room
was brighter due to the sunlight streaming through the windows.  I stared
at the screen as I typed, absorbed.  While I was writing, I hummed a melody
that I'd heard somewhere before.  A sudden knock on the door disturbed my
reverie, and startled, I whirled around to see Nick open the door.
	"Nick," I exclaimed, "what are you doing out of bed?  I thought
you'd sleep until noon!"
	He gave me a long-suffering look and told me, "It IS noon, Ry."
	"What?"
	"I've been up since eleven, but you weren't downstairs.  We haven't
seen you all day.  Mom wanted me to make sure you weren't sick," he told me
somewhat hurriedly.
	"No, I'm...fine, I guess.  I just must have lost track of time."
	"Uh, you sure 'bout that?"
	I smiled at him.  "Positive."
	"OK," he shrugged.  "By the way, I need to talk to you for a little
while."
	-What's this- I thought.  "Sure Nick, just let me shower first,
kay?"
	"No problem.  I'll wait in my room."
	I stepped into the bathroom and started the water, waiting for it
to heat up.  I grabbed a towel and out of the corner of my eye I saw Nick
go into his room.  I shut all three doors and pulled off my boxers before
going under the now hot water.
	During the night, my feelings of indecision had settled into more
of a loneliness.  I knew that I couldn't have any of the three.  I liked
them all, but I just didn't think that I would feel good about myself
afterwards.  I wished that I could find the right person for me and just
know who it was.  Unthinking, I began to sing the melody I hummed earlier.
	"Wishing on a dream that seemed far off...hoping it will come
today.  Into the starlit night...foolish dreamers turn their gaze...waiting
on a shooting star.  But...what if that star is not to come?  Will their
dreams fade to nothing?  When the horizon darkens most...we all need to
believe there is hope!  Is an angel watching closely over me?  Can there be
a guiding light I've yet to see?  I know my heart should guide me
but...there's a hole within my soul.  What will fill this emptiness inside
of me?  Am I to be satisfied without knowing?  I wish, then, for a chance
to see...now all I need (desperately)...is my...  star... to... come..."
	I sighed and washed my hair.  -"Everything comes to he who waits,"-
I thought.  -But God, waiting sucks.-
	After only being in the shower for ten minutes, I came out and
wrapped the towel around my waist.  I gently knocked on Nick's door and his
voice answered, "Come on in."
	"You wanted to talk to me," I asked as I came in to sit on the edge
of his bed.  I folded the towel between my legs as I sat to avoid any
embarrassing views.
	He glanced at me for a second and then stared at me for a while.  I
waved my hand at his face.  "Nick?  Hello?  You there?  Earth to Nick."
	He laughed and apologized for spacing out.  He even had the grace
to blush.  "Well, uh, you know how...I, uh..."
	"C'mon Nick, spit it out," I commanded.
	He took a deep breath to steady himself.  "Were you the one who
brought me up here and put me to bed last night?"
	"Yeah.  Should I not have?"  I looked at him more closely.  He was
blushing and seemed very uncomfortable.  "Is something wrong?"
	He looked at me, and I was caught by the intensity in his eyes.
"Not really, just..." he looked down, staring into his lap.
	"Nick," I said gently, "if I've seen you in a swimming suit, what's
the difference if I see you in your boxers?  Besides," I added jokingly,
"it was kinda fun."
	He turned bright red, but asked, "What do you mean?"
	"Oh, didn't you know?  I got it all on video camera for the rest of
the guys," I lied.  "Brian's gonna love it!"
	He surged to his feet.  "You little...!"
	I laughed.  "You looked so cute lying there while I had to undress
you like a little doll!"
	"Ryan, give me that tape," he said threateningly.  "You KNOW I hate
cameras!"
	I smiled at him sweetly.  "Aww, Nick, you know I won't let it go
public.  Just us and the rest of the guys," I teased.
	"C'mere you sonofa-"
	"Aww, Nick," I pouted, "you don't want to scream obscenities with
your mother in the house, do you?"
	He stopped cold, quivering.  I laughed.  "Just, kidding, man!
Jeez, you know I wouldn't do that to you.  So, was that all you really
wanted to talk to me about?"
	"No," he said after a moment of calming down.  "What were you
singing while you were in the shower?"
	I blushed.  It was such a stupid little song, but apparently he'd
heard it.  "Nothing," I said, feeling dumb.
	"Tell me," he urged, his smile returning as he thought he'd matched
me embarrassment for embarrassment.
	"No," I responded, smiling back and knowing that he didn't even
come close.
	He jumped on me and began to tickle me, the same way he would to a
younger brother when he wanted information.  I'm not very ticklish, but he
somehow found just the right spots, and I squirmed around trying to get out
of his grip and howling with laughter.  Neither of us realized that my
towel had somehow fallen off until I fell a strange scratching from the
denim of his jeans along my crotch.
	Both of us blushed and I hurriedly grabbed my towel, laughing
ruefully.  "I guess it serves me right for catching Aaron off guard," I
muttered.  Nick had a strange look on his face and, still smiling, he
leaned in and kissed me.
	My mind exploded as he pushed me back onto his bed and his weight
rested on top of me.  Our tongues intertwined and the sensation was
amazing.  I pushed him off me for a second and breathlessly asked, "What
are you doing?"
	He looked surprised and hurt.  "What do you mean?"
	"Nick, I...are you...gay?"
	"Well," he said defensively, "yeah, but no one but the guys know
about it."
	"Really?  I just didn't think it was true."
	"You knew?"  He looked stricken and his face paled.
	I smiled gently.  "No, Nick.  Not really.  Just rumors going around
that I hoped were true."
	He grinned roguishly.  "You HOPED were true?  What's that mean," he
asked, leaning back in towards me.
	In answer, I pulled his head down to mine and we groped tongues for
a little while longer.  But something inside of me stopped it.  I pushed
him off again, and he looked perplexed.  "Ry, what's wrong?"
	"Nick, I can't, man.  You're like a brother to me, and even though
you are totally a hottie, I just can't do anything like this with you.  At
all.  I'm sorry, man.  It's just I love you too much to fuck things up like
this will."
	He pulled back, anguish on his face.  "I understand.  You like
Justin."
	I reached forward, trying to comfort him.  "No, Nick, it's not like
that at all.  I don't know any of my feelings.  Justin's cute, sure, but so
are Lance and Brian and you.  It's nothing to do with that.  I just...I
just don't really want to get romantically involved.  I'm scared.  I'm
scared I'll hurt you, I'm scared that I'll be hurt...lots of things.  I
mean, think of it this way-how long am I even gonna be here?  I've got a
modeling conference in New York in just under a month, and then I'm
probably back to St. Louis, unless I manage to get a contract here."
	"But you could stay with me, you wouldn't need to..."
	I cut him off.  "Nick, you're going to have to go on tour again.
Even with Brian and Kevin getting married, either they'll come back, or
your management will probably find someone new.  Either way, you're gonna
have to start traveling all over the place.  That's not fair to either one
of us.  I've had a long-distance relationship before, and it failed almost
immediately.  You're too special to me.  You and Aaron are both my brothers
that I always wanted.  I will do anything for you, but just not this.
It'll mess things up between us.  Please, don't be upset," I added,
beginning to cry.  "I don't want to hurt you.  It's the last thing I want
to do."
	He pulled me close and held me tight.  "I know.  Don't worry, Ry.
I'm not upset.  I know, I know."
	I looked up at him and smiled sadly.  "So, we're still together but
still alone, huh?"
	He grinned down at me.  "Nah.  We're not alone."

	I calmed down soon after, and went into my room to get dressed.  I
joined everyone else downstairs for a late lunch, and after apologizing for
being so late, we all decided to go bum around and enjoy the weather.  I
had a three o'clock appointment back at Universal Studios to keep my
interviews going, but I was free for a couple of hours until then.

	We ended up going to Disney World, since Universal Studios was so
close.  I hadn't been there since I was five, and the roller coasters and
other rides were a lot of fun.  The entire family went, but usually I sat
next to Nick, or sometimes even Aaron.  I was beginning to feel like I was
part of the family, and I loved it.
	Nick asked if he could sit in on my audition, and I looked at him
strangely.  "What are you thinking, Nick," I asked suspiciously.
	He grinned with feigned innocence.  "Nothing, man.  I just want to
watch you work, that's all."
	I looked at him very hard for a moment, but his shit-eating grin
didn't fade.  I sighed.  "Oh, all right.  Come on, I don't want to be
late."

	I got to the interview five minutes early and had just enough time
to brush my hair into some semblance of order before going inside to the
three execs who were sitting at a rectangular table.  I was in one of the
studio rooms that I think was for the show "All That."  Everyone was gone,
and the place had no set or props.  The stage was dark and only a few
lights showed on the stage.  In the darkness, I heard some muttering.
There was an audience sitting in the back, and I froze.  What the hell was
going on?
	"Ryan," one of them-the producer-asked me.
	I nodded dumbly.
	"We were impressed last time you came by, so we wanted to see how
well you'd perform in front of an audience." He smiled.  "Hope you don't
mind."
	What was I going to do? I'd been completely backed into a corner.
I shook my head, not knowing I did it since I was too busy trying to clear
my head.  My anger took over and my eyes and mouth tightened.  But at least
I wasn't scared or nervous any more.
	"Now," he continued, "we were looking over the resume you gave to
us, and among your skills you listed was singing and musical theater."  I
nodded as he kept reading.  "You took voice lessons and have been accepted
on a musical scholarship to the AMDA?"
	I nodded again.  "That's right."  Nick was staring at me in
surprise off to the side, staying out of the audience's view.  I glanced at
him quickly and winked.
	The producer leaned back and smiled.  "Great!  Let's hear you sing
something."
	I froze again, not expecting something quite this quickly.  "I, uh,
don't have any music with me," I countered lamely.  "I didn't know I had to
bring any."
	"You didn't," he answered me.  "Just sing a capella."
	I hedged a bit more.  "But a capella doesn't sound very good with
one person.  Can I get a friend to help me out a little?"
	The producer looked amused.  "No, we don't really want to wait for
someone to show up.  We just want to hear you.  Are you nervous?"
	I nodded again and replied in an almost pleading manner, "Yes, but
my friend is here.  He came with me to wish me luck with the audition.
Please let him help me with a duet."
	The three at the table seemed to talk it over for a second and one
of the co-producers smiled at me and said, "Go ahead."
	I smiled back at her gratefully and walked across the darkened
stage to where Nick was hiding behind the curtains.  "C'mon, man, give me a
hand," I asked.
	He shooed me away.  "No way, man.  I'll get swamped.  I can't
believe you did that!"
	I nearly begged, "Aw, come on, Nick, they caught me off guard, and
I really need some help!"
	He glared at me.  "You're the one who got a music scholarship to
AMDA.  You do it."
	"You're better than I am by a long shot, Nick," I countered, "and
you know it's tough to do this alone.  Besides, it may help me out when
they know who my friend IS!"
	That had been the wrong thing to say.  He stiffened up and gave me
a shove back into the center of the stage.  He crossed his arms and stood
his ground, angrily staring at me.
	I sighed.  Just fucking wonderful.  Then an idea hit me.  "I'm
sorry," I said to everyone there.  "I hope you'll forgive me.  Apparently,
he's shy and doesn't want to help me out, and now he's bailed on me, so I'm
feeling a little-off right now.  I mean, he was a great friend, and I
didn't expect him to show me the meaning of being lonely..."
	I sang the last bit and the girls in the audience started jumping
up and down in their seats.  I figured it'd be worth giving Nick a guilt
trip.  This was one Backstreet Boys' song that I can do well, so I did it
to the best of my ability.
	"So many words...for the broken heart.  It's hard to see...in a
crimson love.  So hard to breathe...walk with me and maybe...nights of
light so soon become...wild and free...I can feel the sun.  Your every
wish...will be done...they tell me.  Show me the meaning...of being lonely.
Is this the feeling I need to walk with?  Tell me why...I can't be there
where you are.  There's something missing in my heart."
	I took a deep breath and continued, "Life goes on...as it never
ends.  Eyes of stone...observe the trends...they never stay forever gazing
for me..."
	Then Nick stepped out of the side and into the light next to me.
"Guilty road to an endless love..."
	I sang the whisper, "endless love."
	"...there's no control.  Are you with me now?  Your every
wish...will be done they tell me..."
	"Show me the meaning of being lonely...is this the feeling I need
to walk with," I continued.
	Nick followed, "tell me why...I can't be there where you are.
There's something missing in my heart!"
	And as he held out that note, I took up the second part.  "There's
nowhere to run, I have no place to go.  Surrender my heart, body and soul.
How can it be you're asking me to feel the things you never show?"
	Nick came up with the "You were missing in my heart.  Tell me why
can't I be there where you are?"
	"Show me the meaning of being lonely..."
	"...being lonely"
	"Is this the feeling...I need to walk with?"
	"Tell me why...I can't be there where you are."
	And together we ended, "There's something missing in my...heart."
	I pulled Nick into a quick "thank you" hug and we laughed before
turning to face the screaming girls in the crowd who were threatening to
overcome the minimal security.  I turned to Nick.  "You'd better run," I
advised, trying not to laugh.  "I'll meet you at home."
	He looked concerned.  "You sure?"
	I smiled reassuringly.  "Of course.  They want you, not me.
Besides, I have an audition to finish!"
	He took one more look at the throng of prepubescent girls squealing
towards him and bolted out the side door.  As they all passed me by,
leaving me battered and thrown around, I finally did laugh and looked
upward, wishing Nick all the luck in the world.
	Then I cast a bemused glance at the three people I was actually
here to see.  All of their paperwork was a mess, they were disheveled and I
couldn't stop from laughing.
	The nice lady who had let Nick join in looked at me and simply
asked, "Why didn't you tell us?"
	I smirked at her.  "Why didn't you tell me I'd have to sing?"  Then
I got serious.  "It looks like this didn't work out too well.  I'm sorry.
If you want to see me again, please call me.  If not, I'll understand."  I
walked out, wondering if I'd just screwed myself over again.