Date: Sat, 10 Jun 2000 10:07:53 EDT From: luvjc no1fan Subject: Heartstrings Chapter One Well, after being an avid reader of stories from the Nifty Archive for some time, I've decided to make an entry of my own. I hope you all like it. If so, let me know and I will continue. My name is Richard and my email is n_luvjc@hotmail.com. I will repeat the info at the end of the story for your comments, etc. The title of this story reflects that it is a love story and since it revolves around the guys from 'N Sync, I combined 'Tearing up my Heart' with 'No Strings Attached'. As a FYI, I am writhing this story I most enjoy stories - good characters. good story and good sex (but later) As for the formalities: This story is not intended to imply anything about the sexual orientation of the members of 'N SYNC. This story is fiction and meant for amusement only. If you shouldn't be reading this because of your age, where you live, etc. don't. If you are offended by male-male relationships/sex then this isn't the story for you. This story begins a couple of years before the present, as the boys from 'N SYNC are beginning their climb to fame. Now, I have been a fan since the beginning and followed them as closely as I could; but I also have a life. So, if I have forgotten a detail or just screw up the timeline of some event. feel free to let me know. just do it nicely. I don't want to be bashed all over the 'net 'cause I have the boys appearing on Regis rather than Rosie ? Anyway, this story may be dark in a few places; but I also hope it is uplifting and entertaining. Please let me know how I am doing. just remember. do it nicely. :) ? Sweat clung to his torso as he bolted upright in bed. Disoriented, it took him several moments to realize where he was. Hell!. who he was. His eyes shot around surveying the room. His wild gaze began to settle back to the gentle blue eyes that mirrored his soul. He was in a hotel room. alone. He breathed a sigh of relief as began to calm down. The blankets of the bed had been kicked off and lay in a heap on the floor. The only thing that survived the nightmare was the sheet. It clung to his sweat soaked body like a second skin. Get a hold of yourself he thought to himself. "It was only a dream," he whispered. "Another damn dream!" He ran his fingers through his matted curly hair trying to wipe the memory from his brain. He started to get up and disentangle himself from the sheet that had become his captor. Struggling and stumbling a bit, he finally freed himself and was standing by the bed. This is when he felt the wetness. He looked down at his crotch and was disgusted to realize the front of his boxers were soaked. It would have been better if he wet the bed he thought, but no. this was his own cum. "How could I have been aroused by that!?!?!?!" he said too loudly. He clamped his hand over his mouth hoping he hadn't woken anyone up. The last thing he needed right now was for one of his well meaning friends to come in to check on him and find him standing in the middle of the room with his underwear full of cum. and what. Tears streaming down his face. "Oh shit," he sobbed, "why can't I forget all of this ever happened?" The blond teen put his head in his hands and sat on the edge of the bed. His shoulders bobbed along with his sobs. His emotions were all over the place. He was raging mad at that bastard. He was furious with himself for having an orgasm while reliving the experience. He was scared that he was going to be tortured by the memory forever or that any of his band mates would find out what he had done. He was sad. heartbroken. With a surge of conviction, he wiped his eyes with his clenched fists. "Fuck it," he exclaimed. 'I am obviously not going to get any more sleep tonight,' he thought. He moved across the room and opened his laptop and was greeted by the familiar noise of it booting up. He striped off his boxers and walked into the bathroom. He started to cry again as he rinsed the night's woes from his body. The sweat and semen flowed off his body and down the drain. He shuddered again with the memory of the dream. The dream that was a reflection of reality was something he could not shake. How many times had he had it now. hundreds? He pounded his fist into the tile and turned off the shower. He rubbed his body down with a towel. Any other time, he would have enjoyed stroking his body for a second. He had worked hard to keep himself in the best shape he could. Daily exercise and lots of dancing has left him with a hard firm torso and well defined abs and pecs. Tonight though like so many nights before he felt too dirty to touch himself. So dirty in fact that he thought about getting back in the shower, but he knew that it would not help. He sat and connected to the Internet now that the computer was all booted up and ready to go. He hoped to have some emails to take his mind off of his nightmare. He was greeted by his inbox popping up with three messages there. The first was Spam and he immediately deleted it with a slight curse. The next was from his mom. ================================================================================ Justin, How are you doing sweetie. I know I am not supposed to worry about you and all.. but a mother can never help. I am so glad you are back from Germany. I know I have said that before. but I really am. I only wish it meant that you were going to be home all the time now. The house really just isn't the same without you. Okay. Okay. I can see you rolling your eyes from here. You know I am happy for you and all the success you and the guys have been having. I cannot turn on the television it seems without seeing your smiling faces. btw. tell Chris the hair in braids look... it's not working. and you and JC are way too skinny. eat something!!! Anyway, I don't want to be a total pest so I will just log off with an 'I love you' and let me know when you'll be back down this way. Love, Mom ================================================================================ Justin smiled as he read his mom's words. 'She is such a great mom,' he thought. She always manages to let you know that she loves you. without exactly nagging. She's a miracle worker. He couldn't believe that he was actually smiling when just minutes ago he was crying. He opened the last e-mail and was pleased to see that it was a note from their manager. Johnny had been like a big brother to him and sometimes surrogate father. It is such a shame that he works with that bastard. that animal. He shuddered as he thought about it and forced the memory from his head. Johnny's email was just a note of encouragement and a few more bookings coming up. They were really starting to get busy and it looked like the group was going to take the US by storm. 'This should be the most exciting time of my life,' he thought. Instead, he was miserable. "I have come way to far and worked way too hard to allow the past hurt me now." He stated to himself and the walls if they were listening. "I am going to find a way of getting through this if it kills me." He laughed a little at himself because when he said the last thing, he was actually thinking not of killing himself, but instead of killing that monster. Resolved now to find some answers, he pulls up his web browser. Opening his favorites he opens a folder and pulls up a web page. Countless times he has pulled up this web page and never had the courage to proceed. Tonight was going to be different. He scrolled through the material listed and read about the resources. Tears flowed freely as he continued to read. 'How can this happen to so many people?' Justin wonders. In some weird way, crying so hard for so long was feeling great. He was reading personal recounts of others who had been hurt the same way he had. It was like hearing his feelings and his fears echoed in the words of these strangers. One person in particular stood out to him. His name was 'Tay,' and he wrote with such beauty and passion and soul and spirit. He also alluded to being hurt at work or something like that. For some reason, Justin felt a kinship with this young man. He wanted to talk to him. somehow he knew he would understand. With this thought, he saw the link for the chat room. Panic coursed through him and his hand froze. "This is too much too fast," he thought. Moments then minutes passed. Still frozen, the only thing moving was the tears falling down his cheeks. Without conscious thought, his hand began to move the cursor. With unblinking eyes, Justin clicked on the link to join the chat room. Immediately a window appeared and he was prompted to enter a nickname. Thinking for a minute, he typed in "Randy" in the space and pressed enter. The last thing he wanted was for someone to figure out who he was in this room and for word to spread all over the Internet that Justin Randall Timberlake had been hanging out in a chat room for male survivors of childhood sexual abuse or incest. The first window changed into a dialogue box with a separate box on the right listing the participants in the discussion. At this time in the morning, there were still eight people listed. Welcome Randy, I haven't seen your nick here before so if this is your first time here let me tell you how the group goes. We all respect each other and keep things said here confidential. No one is expected to share more than they are ready. This is a safe place to talk about what happened and how you are coping. It is also a place to find support and learn about resources. Again. welcome. That's our Richie, he is always taking care of all of us ?. But seriously Randy. Welcome and I hope the group can be helpful <*Randy*> uh.. Thanks guys. I have to admit I am a little nervous. never done anything like this before take your time Randy. we all know it's not easy. Tim: you were talking when Randy joined. why don't you continue. Okay. as I was saying, not much has changed. Therapy is going well. I am thinking of telling my folks soon. wow Tim, that's a big step. I know. I mean the bastard is long gone, and I am getting stronger. Randy, let me fill you in. I am 17 and 3 years ago, this guy in the neighborhood that I was doing yard work for, forced himself on me. He came up behind me and pushed me down and then raped me. it was terrible and I wanted to die.. he then told me if I told anyone he would kill my little sister. I cried for what felt like years. But then, he suddenly left town. I heard later that he had been arrested for embezzlement and would never return. I buried my shame until 6 months ago when I found this group. After sharing here, I learned about how good therapy can be. My school counselor hooked me up and here I am. and we just all LOVE Tim.. Or at least I do. ? Thanks Hon! you two lovebirds get a room *grin <*Randy*> thank you for sharing that with me Tim, I certainly have felt some of those same feelings.. Uh, I take it you and Petey are a couple? yeah Randy, hope you're not freaked by that, we are both gay and met here; but then later met at a SIA meeting. well one thing led to another and here we are . yup we just had our 6 month anniversary! congrats guys! Now. about that room you were getting.. smartass :)? smartass :)? <*Randy*> LOL. I have a couple questions if you don't mind go ahead, I am very open and here to help others as well as myself <*Randy*> thanks. uh. don't really know how to put this . but. do you thing it was the abuse that made you gay? absolutely NOT! . sorry didn't mean to yell.. but that is a bit of a sore subject. <*Randy*> I'm sorry dude. please forget I asked no problem guy. I really didn't mind.. just reacted. I should apologize to you. anyway.. no I was not made gay. I was born that way.. I know it! Maybe that's why that bastard preyed on me.. I don't know. but I am definitely not being controlled by him at all. I used to think that way though. at the same time I was dealing with the rape, I realized I was attracted to guys. I was really screwed up for a while we all bear many scars both physical and emotional. and must work through them. but Timmy honey.. you're doing great! thanks dear uh. I seem to remember something about a room.. *grin Tim roles his eyes! Randy, I was a little different.. It was after I had realized I was gay that my assault happened. I was supposed to meet this guy off that I met while chatting on the internet. when I did. he led me away from the public place we met. raped me and stabbed me. I survived and sat there proudly when they hauled his ass off to jail! I hope his tired pussy is getting raped everyday!!! that's my man. shy and quiet I see what you mean about scars Petey yeah but they only really hurt the most if you let them keep them from living life I couldn't have put it better myself! I wanted to take a moment and say hi to Tay. he joined us while we were talking and I didn't want him to feel left out [Several of the guys responded by saying hi to Tay. He apparently had been coming to the group for awhile and was popular or at least everyone seemed to know him. Justin again had the feeling that he really connected with this guy and he had no idea why. His tears had continued to flow while the guys in the room had shared their stories. He was very affected by Tim's belief that he had always been gay. Did this mean that his feelings weren't just a reaction to what had been done to him like he had always thought? Could he be gay too?] sorry to be late guys. got delayed at work no problem. Randy, the group here is always up and running and people are welcome to drop in anytime. but we have several scheduled times each week where we try and have a group time set up. it guarantees that people are here for others.. new members like yourself and current members. thanks dad! smartass ? hey! That's my line! It just fit <*Randy*> you guys make me feel better in spite of myself! Thanks talking about it really does help. trust me it took me many visits here before I even said hi. I am very impressed with how open you've been tonight Randy. <*Randy*> thanks. I don't feel like I have been open at all.. there is so much swelling inside me. I have been blubbering like a baby for hours and the only thing that made me stay is that . actually, I don't know Randy, I think you stayed because part of you knows you needed to. you may be beginning to realize that you don't have to carry all your grief alone <*Randy*> Sob! Damn Tay. you seem to know my soul. I read some of your stuff posted earlier on the other part of this site, and it felt like you were speaking directly to me. Hell! Speaking for me. thanks for the compliment Randy. and I agree with Steve.. I am very impressed at how open you've been here. it's amazing for your first visit. I just want to chime and say that I agree too. it is never easy to talk about this stuff and sometimes once you finally open up.. it feels like a dam has burst and you wonder if you are going to get swept away by the flood of emotions nice metaphor there Richie. I love it! <*Randy*> Tim: before I forget. you mentioned SIA??? What is that? oops sorry. SIA is Survivors of Incest Anonymous. it is a support group like Alcoholics Anonymous. or Al-Anon. anyway. it is a great support for young people like us to work through the pain.. It can be hard to find a group that has enough men though. most seem to be all women. and since the majority of their abusers were men.. they can be wary at first <*Randy*> ah. wow.. that must be intense it can be for sure.. it helps if you can go with someone you know. several of us here have gone together after we have gotten to know each other. the only trick is finding someone that lives in your area <*Randy*> that would be very hard for me. 'cause I am never in the same area for very long why is that Randy? Are you an army brat? <*Randy*> hah! Nope.. uhm.. I have to travel a lot for work. so I never can tell where I am going to be next. In fact, I am in a hotel room right now! well, if you make it to the west coast. I'll be glad to go with you [Several offers popped up too.. but Tay's was the one that intrigued Justin. Why was he so drawn to this guy. what were all these feelings he was having.] <*Randy*> Thanks for the offers guys! I may take you up on that. Anything else you would like to get off your chest tonight before we all head off to bed. or for some of you.. have to get up soon! <*Randy*> I want to thank you all for being here most of all. I know I haven't said much yet. and I do mean yet. I'll be back! But it helps.. just knowing you are here and you understand. I'm glad you came too Randy. you are welcome back anytime I feel the same way here I think we all do you guys said it. Randy if you want to talk more my ICQ # is 73449552 . catch up with me if you want. <*Randy*> Thanks guys! And Tay, I will thanks Justin pulled back from his computer and powered it down. His mind was swirling with thoughts. He noticed that he was no longer crying. He really felt better for reasons that he completely didn't understand. He meant it when he said he would be back. And Tay. he would be contacting him as well. what does that mean??? 'Am I gay,' Justin thought. When that bastard used to force himself on me, I hated it; but he was a gross disgusting pig. He had more and more found himself attracted to men. He tried to convince himself that he was just screwed up because of the . what? rape, assault, incest??? He couldn't be gay. He told himself that over and over. But as he finally lay back down to sleep. his head hitting the pillow. he shut his eyes and whispered the name 'Tay' before sleep overtook him. Well, that's the first Chapter. for the first few, I will be setting up the characters (almost all will be members of 'N SYNC. but any guesses on who Tay is? Please let me know if you like it so far. any suggestions you have as to where to go with the storylines. again my email is n_luvjc@hotmail.com