Date: Fri, 06 Oct 2000 13:38:28 EDT From: luvjc no1fan Subject: Re: Heartstrings / Chapter Six I want to begin by apologizing for the delay in getting this chapter out... this time it was work that got crazy not school... I have a lull in school for a couple of weeks and then that will be crazy too... This is my first story so I love getting feedback on what people like/dislike about the story so far. My name is Richard and my email is n_luvjc@hotmail.com. I will repeat the info at the end of the story for your comments, etc. The title of this story reflects that it is a love story and since it revolves around the guys from 'N Sync, I combined 'Tearing up my Heart' with 'No Strings Attached'. As a FYI, I am writhing this story I most enjoy stories - good characters, good story and good sex. I will switch around the focus of the story giving each character a chance to develop. They will all have their secrets that will unfold as the story goes along, but then again don't we all have our little secrets. But I can assure you that they won't all have the same secret. As for the formalities: This story is not intended to imply anything about the sexual orientation of the members of 'N SYNC. This story is fiction and meant for amusement only. If you shouldn't be reading this because of your age, where you live, etc. don't. If you are offended by male-male relationships/sex then this isn't the story for you. Slowly, JC opens his mouth and says "Justin, I can't do this." Justin pulls himself into a ball covering his nakedness. These words are the worst thing he has ever felt. JC's rejection burns its way into his soul. "What do you mean?" he asks tears filling his eyes... "Justin listen," JC begins stroking his friend's back. "I am overwhelmed by everything right now. I just accidentally came out to my best friends and got rejected by one of them. Not to mention my surprise to find out that you are gay too. I don't mean to hurt you. Please, just let me get my head back on straight and then we can talk. Okay?" Justin hears JC's words and allows himself to breathe. His sobs begin to quiet and he turns to look at his friend. "You don't hate me?" he manages to whisper? JC laughs despite himself. "Babe, I couldn't hate you if you were an axe murderer. You are the dearest person in the world to me. That's why I don't want to screw things up by having sex with you." Justin stiffens. "People have survived the experience," he states coldly. "Damn," JC begins, "my words are against me today. J what I meant to say was I have ruined too many things in my past by thinking that sex would solve things for me. Make me feel better about myself. Make me feel closer to someone. Make me feel less alone. Make me feel loved. Make me feel. The only thing sex has done for me so far is gotten me raped, gotten me hurt and gotten me betrayed. I am not going to make these same mistakes again. Trust me J. I was burning with desire for you right then. I wanted you more than anything in this world. But I want most of all, is to know that you love me. And that the love we share is a romantic love and not a brother love." Justin's mind is overwhelmed by JC's confession. 'He was raped too?' He thinks to himself. He might understand then. The hurt of JC's rejection has begun to subside and he is able to see the concern and love in his friend's face. "I do love you JC" was all he was able to manage. "I know you do Just," JC says tears filling his own eyes, "But lets take our time and make sure it's the right kind of love" Justin nodded his head and his curls bounce. "Can I ask you a question J," JC asks. Seeing his friend's head continue to nod, he continues. "When... I mean how long have you known... I mean... oh hell... you're gay too?" It was now Justin's turn to laugh despite himself. "JC, I have fought these feelings for so long. To be honest, I am still not really sure. I have had desires non-stop for years, but I kept hoping that they would go away. I believed that I could change. That it wasn't my fault and that if certain things had never happened I wouldn't be this way. It was just that today when I found out it was something we shared after all these years of being so close.. and then when I looked into your eyes and saw how beautiful they are I couldn't help myself" JC tilts Justin's chin slightly up and leans in and kisses his friend gently on the lips. "Thank you dear friend." The moment is savoured between the two friends and silently they rise and begin to dress. "I can't believe you went molested me in a church." JC teases. "I didn't hear you complaining... that is of course until you rejected me" Justin retorts slugging his friend in the shoulder. "We'll talk more later bro, Okay?" JC smiles. He breathes a sigh of relief as he sees Justin begin to smile. He needs to talk to him and potentially hurt him and this worries JC. 'Justin is a friend and a brother to me, I'm just not sure I want him as a lover' "You ready to go back and face the world?" "Yeah," Justin says. "Hopefully Scoop will have calmed down by now." JC sighs at the sound of Lance's nickname remembering that he no longer has the privilege of calling Lance that. "Umm... J?" "Yes, JC" Justin answers. "First, your pants are on inside out. And second, are you planning on telling the guys?" JC asks. "Oh," Justin says as he strips off his pants and turns them right side out and pulls them back on. "JC, would you hate me if I take my time with that?" "Bro, you take all the time in the world you need. I should have told you years ago, I realize that now and I hope you can forgive me, but I completely understand the need to take coming out as slowly as you want." "Thanks Bro," Justin's smile was once again bright. "Let's go face the music." The two friends laugh and talk lightly as they make their way back through the maze of corridors in the hospital. JC stops outside the door to Lance's room suddenly paralyzed and frozen in fear. Justin silently rubs his hand over his friend's back and shoulders. "It'll be okay JC. I am right beside you" he says as he opens the door. The sight of Lance fully dressed arguing with Joey and Chris greets Justin and JC. And apparently, Lance is winning. "I am not waiting another minute," Lance is in the middle of saying as JC and Justin walk in. "Finally!" Lance explodes; "These two idiots wouldn't let me leave until 'the gang was all here'" The venom drips heavily on Lance's words. "Lance," JC begins quietly, "I am sorry you are so upset by the news that I am gay. I am sorry that you had to find out the way you did. I am sorry that this may cause a rift in our band. And, I am especially sorry if that news causes the end of our friendship." JC takes a long, slow, deep breath and exhales. "I am not sorry that I am gay. For the first time in my life I may actually believe that. I have been too miserable too long to have you try and knock me down further. I will not be spoken to the way you did earlier by anyone, let alone by one of my closest friends. I have no intention of living in shame any longer so you will have to get used to it or ask me to leave. Either way, my head will be held high." And with that, JC spins on his heels and leaves the room filled with 8 wide-open eyes and 4 wide-open mouths. JC thinks he hears a rousing "Way to go JC" from Joey, but he doesn't stop to listen. He keeps on walking through the front door of the hospital and out on the street. He keeps on walking and walking without a destination but with his head held high. ================================================================== Dear Tay, You will never believe what happened today! My best friend in the whole world came out!!!! Is that not fantastic or what? He and I have been together forever... since I first started working really... that reminds me, you mentioned being in 'the industry', this is something that we definitely need to talk more about.. because if we are talking about the same thing, then we have more in common than I first thought. Anyway, well I never guessed that he was. I found out today, and I don't know what happened, but I tried to seduce him. I had never thought about him in that way before, but I had such a feeling of closeness and connection when we were talking that I wanted to be even closer to him. Plus, I guess I was horny. Everything went to crap though because he rejected me. He wants to make sure we weren't rushing things and that our feelings were truly what we wanted. I guess that makes sense, but it still hurt like hell when he pulled away from me. Maybe I am destined to die alone! Oh well, I'm sorry about flying off at the keyboard like that... anything new with you? Please let me know what you think... and I'll let you know how things work out. Take care, Randy. =================================================================== Justin frowns as he closes his laptop. His mind is mixed with conflicting emotions. He is hurt and not hurt at the same time. He understands and he doesn't understand at the same time. JC hurt him and healed him at the same time. The dichotomous emotions plunge Justin into a roller-coaster of feelings. "JC," Justin whispers. "It's been hours, and you are still not back from wherever you went. Where are you?" Justin is standing by the window of his hotel room looking out over the city. He silently prays that JC is safe. ================================================================== "What do you think about what happened today?" Chris asks. "I was a little shocked of course, but I have to admit I was mostly angry at Lance. His reaction was way out of line." Joey responds. "I wonder why it hit Scoop like that?" Chris begins. "He is normally so easy going about people. It was weird... just the Deep South coming out in him I guess." "Whatever it was," Joey says through his teeth. "He better get over it soon." "Joe, umm.. you don't think that JC... well do you think that JC, you know is thinks about us... you know..." Chris manages to get out. He is struggling with his words. "Like he would try anything with you since I am here, free and easy!" Joey teases. He notices the 'I am not amused' look on Chris' face and continues. "He is still the same person we know and love Chris. If anything, we should be honoured that he is willing to share this part of his life with us." "My heart tells me that bro, but my head is all confused." Chris continues. "I don't want to be an ass or anything, but this could really hurt the band's career." "Chris, I know that was hard to admit to, but we should really be worried about JC right now. He still hasn't come back and it is starting to get late. As hard as JC has worked to put this band together and stand up to management, I don't think he will do anything to put it into jeopardy." Joey says soothingly. "Joe... that red hair must be making you smarter or something!" Chris smiles. "And getting rid of that pineapple on your head makes you shorter!" Joey laughs. And with that, the pillow fight erupts into a pillow war. ================================================================== Justin walks out of his door and heads down the hall. He is worried now about JC and he can no longer sit still and wait. He pauses outside of Lance's door. Rage flushes his face. 'If he hadn't been such a narrow-minded bigot, none of this would be happening.' He thinks to himself. His hand raises to knock on the door when he hears muffled sounds inside. 'Scoop is crying' Justin shocks himself with the realization. 'Lance is always so together!' Justin thinks. His instinct is to reach for the door to comfort his friend, but a flash of anger stiffens his arm. 'Let him stew in whatever he is feeling' Justin thinks to himself. 'It's partly his fault that JC is out there in pain right now.' He slowly backs away leaving Lance to wrestle with his own demons. ================================================================== "Why are you testing me so?" Lance pleads to the heavens as he lies curled up on his bed. His mind has been a frenzy of activity. His brain is working hard to quiet the ever-encroaching feelings of guilt. He had treated JC horribly, but wasn't that the way you were supposed to treat gays? 'Momma never prepared me for this.' Lance cries as tears continue to flow. Buried deep in his mind is the thought that he should be happy shouldn't he? For this meant that he wasn't attracted to JC, it meant that JC had been trying to seduce him. He wasn't a deviant too. Buried even deeper in his mind is the realization that this is simply not true. ================================================================== Justin collapses on his bed. He has walked into every store in a 10 block radius of the hotel. JC was no where to be found. 'Where are you JC?' He cries out silently. He doesn't have long to wait for almost immediately there is a knock at the door and JC's familiar voice is asking if he can come in. Justin flings open the door and pulls JC into his arms. "JC, I was so worried about you. I've been all over town looking for you!" "I'm sorry I worried you J," JC begins hanging his head. "I really needed to think things through on my own for a bit. I hope you weren't too worried." "Well, I was worried; but it's ok now that you're back." Justin says releasing JC from his grip. "J, you know I would never do anything to hurt you don't you?" JC asks, his eyes searching Justin's. "I know bro." Justin replies. JC takes a deep breath. "That's what I need to talk about Justin. You just referred to me as 'bro', and that is exactly how I think about you too. You are my best friend and my brother. I love you dearly, but I think it is the same way I love Tyler. I don't think I can be with you in the way you want me to. I could have sex with you, 'cause lord knows you're a sexy man. There are countless men out there that would be dying to have sex with you, and they should. You are great. You're sweet and kind and cute. I should be overjoyed that you find me attractive and that you love me too, but it would feel like incest to me. I know some people get off on incest, and I am not saying anything against them. But, for me, I can't think of you that way. And I realize I am now officially rambling so I will shut up." Tears have been falling down Justin's face the entire time JC is talking. 'god he is corny' he finds himself thinking. Justin hears the truth in JC's words and knows that he feels the same. But his heart is breaking all the same. "JC, I'm so tired of being alone" he cries. "Can't we at least try and see if we can feel that way about each other?" "Justin, this may be the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to be hurt. I have been hurt way too much in my life already. Please try and understand." "JC, I would never hurt you! No matter what were to happen." "J, I can't take that chance. You mean too much to me to risk what we do have on something that I think we both know wouldn't feel right. Please try and understand." "Quit asking me to understand! You are telling me what my head knows, but my heart is tearing apart!" Despite himself, JC starts to laugh at the irony of Justin's words. "What are you laughing at you ass! This is not funny" Justin begins to rant. His minds picks up on JC's wavelength and instantly understands. He had just said that it was tearing up his heart that he couldn't be with JC. The song had come back to haunt him and despite himself, he laughs too. "I don't understand, why we can't be lovers?" JC relaxes seeing his friend begin to laugh too. "I love you bro." "I love you too, JC." Justin's laughter turns to a smile and is followed closely by tears. "You won't be alone too long Justin, I promise. Hopefully neither of us will." "JC, I am too wiped out right now, but can I please talk to you more about this very soon?" JC's eyes widened fearing that Justin hadn't understood. "Uhmmm" Justin again knew JC's thoughts without them having to be expressed. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean about us being a couple. I mean talk more about being gay and what all of this means. You have said some things that I want to know more about." It was JC's turn to pull Justin into his arms. "Bro, we can talk whenever you want as long as you want. My life is now an open book. I am hiding nothing ever again. Well, except to the media and our millions of fans." "That's gonna be hard for you isn't it JC?" "It's not going to be the greatest thing in the world, but I understand that I will (or we will if you come out also) have to keep a low profile. Our fan base may or not support me for being gay, but the 11 year old girls would stop wanting to marry me." JC says smiling ironically. "I'll be right there with you JC." Justin adds. "Both supporting you and being out. It's about time I faced up to a few demons myself." "J, that's great. You're a welcome addition to the team." JC jokes. "Team?" "You know, the team of guys who swing the other way." JC's brilliant smile was silenced by a flying pillow. "Justin, I love you more now than ever. I didn't think it was possible to feel closer to you than before. It's like we share even more now. You know?" JC smiles as he sees his friend nodding with tears in his eyes. "You know what I'd like to share right now?... A pizza! I'm starved!" "You mean we don't get to finish what we started earlier in the chapel. I was hoping for some lessons!" Justin says quietly. "Umm.. J. Bro, I don't want to hurt you, but I thought we..." JC's words trail off as he sees that Justin has collapsed on the bed and is laughing uncontrollably. "Just for that, you're paying for the pizza!" "I'm sorry JC, I couldn't resist." Justin says through laughs. "Do you mind ordering while I take a quick shower?" JC asks. "Not at all... especially if it means you not smelling so!" Justin smiles until a pillow blocks the view. Justin smiles just long enough for his friend to exit the room, and then he quietly curls into a ball on his bed and sobs. His body is wracked with the sobbing. His tears flow hard and his soul cries for someone to comfort him. His loneliness continues. Even though he understood and in some way agreed with JC's words, he still feels rejected and cast aside. 'When will I find love?' he screams silently. ================================================================== JC leaves Justin's room with a twinge of guilt. 'I hope I didn't hurt him. He thinks to himself. 'It seemed like he understood too, but I don't want him to feel rejected.' JC is roughly shaken from his thoughts by colliding with a solid object. He falls backward landing on his ass and looks up to see that his solid object is laughing at him. JC's mouth tightens to a frown as he takes the outstretched hand. "Have a nice trip?" Joey asks. "Funny... not!" JC says trying to look annoyed. "Awwwww... come on JC you know you liked it! Slamming in to me is the most action you've gotten in a while." Joey teases. JC blushes at Joey's comment. He loves his friend for being so great, but at the same time, he's not quite sure that he is ready for his sexuality to become part of the ammunition that they all use with which to tease each other. "Trust me Joe, I have worse!" Joey doesn't even bat an eye before responding "well, when you're ready for the gold medal round, let me know... because you should give me a try when I put my mind to it." JC's cheeks darken further. He realizes that he cannot win this round with Joey so tries to change the subject. "I'm going to go grab a shower and then meet up with Justin for dinner. He's ordering a pizza if you want to join us let him know so he can order extra." "Sounds great JC. I'll do that," Joey smiles "Unless of course you would rather I help you out in the shower..." JC hears Joey's triumphant laugh as he retreats realizing he has been bested by the best tease in the business. "I love you Joe" He shouts over his shoulder. "Same here Bro," Joey returns with genuine sincerity. =============================================================== Justin doesn't move as Joey enters his room. His is so consumed by his thoughts at the moment that he doesn't even hear Joey call his name. "Justin!" Joey says alarmed "What's wrong?" Hearing no response from his prone friend, Joey takes Justin by his shoulders and pulls him into a hug. "You just cry all you want my friend. I'll be right here and am not going anywhere." "Oh Joe!" Justin sobs. "Why did he have to say no!" Justin's emotions are so strong that he doesn't even realize what he is revealing to Joey. Joey has no idea what Justin is talking about, but it is easy to see that his young friend is in pain. "Just cry it out J" "JC rejected me Joe. I offered myself to him, and he said no. He said he thought of me as a brother and that he was sorry but he didn't view me like that." Justin blurts out. Joey's eyebrows raise slightly, but he tries hard not to react. "And you don't agree with him?" "No, it's not that. I just don't want to be alone Joe. I love all of you and do think of you like brothers, but I've also been wrestling with these feelings that I am attracted to guys. I thought JC's revelation today was going to be my salvation, but instead, it has only added to my pain." "Justin, like I told JC earlier today. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and I am honoured that you shared this aspect of yourself with me." Justin is hugging Joey tightly now. Too tightly for easy breathing, at least for Joey. "Joey, you're one of the kindest people I know." "And you are one of the strongest, apparently" Joey teases pretending to gasp for air. "oh" Justin says relaxing his grip. "I also mean strongest in that you have been able to handle so much on your own, but you don't have to anymore. We are your friends no matter what!" Joey says softly in Justin's ear. Justin releases Joey and laughs. "This has been quite the day!" "Certainly one full of surprises!" Joey agrees. "Thanks Joe... I know JC is right, but it just hit me the wrong way. I really needed those nice strong shoulders of yours." "Anytime J," Joey says smiling. He reaches out and places his hand under Justin's chin and pulls him closer. Joey's lowers his head and presses his lips to Justin's. The kiss is tentative at first and then Joey slips his tongue into Justin's surprised mouth. The kiss lasts a few moments before Joey pulls back and smiles. "JC doesn't know what he's missing. Let me know if you'd ever like to give me a try." Justin's brain can barely form the words to send them to his mouth. "Joey, you're gay too?" "Not gay babe, just sexual... you might call it bi-sexual or whatever... but, all I know is that sex between people is fun and wonderful and it matters little what gender the person is... just what they know how to do with their equipment." Joey grins at Justin as he stands from the bed. "Now," Joey begins, "go order those pizzas. I'll go round up Chris." Justin watches silently as Joey leaves the room. He has kissed another bandmate and he had to admit. He liked it! ============================================================ JC has to walk past Lance's room to get to his own and pauses at the door. He can hear Lance talking to himself in his room and it sounds like he is upset. 'Is he crying?' JC thinks. He decides not to worry about it and heads to his own door. >From inside his room Lance can hear JC open his door. He bolts off the bed and runs into the hall. "JC," he begins quietly, "Can I talk to you please?" "That depends Lance," JC replies coolly. "on what you have to say." "I deserved that I know," Lance says. "Please come inside and let me talk to you." They move together into Lance's room and JC is shocked to see that Lance's room is in a shambles. Lance always makes his bed, even though there are maids that come around and remake it. He has never had a room this messy. What JC's eyes cannot believe the most though is that most of the clutter in the room is sheets of paper. No pages from a book... no... pages from the bible. "Lance???" he begins. "JC," Lance begins interrupting JC. "I have been thinking all afternoon and been worried about you. I want to say how sorry I am for the way I treated you. You were vulnerable, and I was terrible." JC nods his head but remains silent. "I have been told my whole life that what you revealed to me today was an abomination. I have literally torn the bible apart trying to find the answers but they do not appear to be in there. The only thing I know is that I don't want to hurt you so I want to tell you that I will accept you." Lance stammers out. "Is that all you have to say Lance?" JC asks. "huh?" "You apologized for treating me the way that you did and gave me your blessing, not that I needed it. But, is that all you have to say?" "What else is there?" "Lance," JC begins slowly. "Today, in that hospital room I was not coming out to you. I revealed my love for you. A love that has lived deep inside me for years. There was no intent on harming you with this love. But how did you receive this love? You ungrateful ass!" JC's voice was beginning to rise. "What?" Lance responds with a look of confusion on his face. In his mind this was about whether or not he could accept JC's homosexuality. "You heard me! Today, I gave you my heart and repaid that act by squashing it beneath your heel!!." JC is almost screaming now. JC's anger triggers Lance's own defenses, and the walls he built are crumbling as a result. His own fears and frustrations flood his mind. He feels that he is about to lose all connection with reality, but he knows he is furious. "How dare you talk to me that way!" Lance screams. "You are the abomination. I was doing the Christian thing and accepting you regardless. Do you not know what effect you have on others? You have destroyed me for all eternity. I had finally put myself together and put all these thoughts aside. In one swift move you have brought all these feelings back up." "This??" JC reacts with puzzlement. "You mean that you're gay too?" "NO!!!" Lance screams as sobs take over his body. JC's mind all but shuts down. The love he feels for Lance that he has spent the day trying to push aside floods his heart again, and he is desperate to take him in his arms. "Lance," JC says softly. "Being gay is not an abomination nor is it wrong. It just is." "I wont listen to you! You just want to me to burn in hell like you so you can get what you want! You're just mad that I was able to push that aside and not turn into a weak slut like you!" JC crumples under Lance's verbal barrage. His true love spitting such venom at him is more than he can bear. Tears start flowing, and JC fears that they will never stop. The hate in his words shocks Lance, but it is the pain and the love in JC's face that saves him. His years of torment melt away and he can only see one thing. The man that he has always secretly loved loves him too. And, Lance has wounded that love mortally. He opens his mouth to speak but he is too late, JC has already run out the door. "JC! Please stop. Wait!" Lance cries as he runs after him. JC has a lead on his younger bandmate, and he sprints for the stairs. Lance pursues him up the flight of stairs and out onto the roof. "JC, please stop. I'm sorry." Lance continues to cry as he chases down his much faster friend. Time slows to a crawl in one flash as JC trips as he is running. Unable to see clearly due to the tears in his eyes, JC trips over a vent pipe in the roof. He is moving so quickly that he cannot stop himself, and he rolls over the ledge... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Lance's heart bursts as he sees JC rolling over the ledge of the roof. He throws himself and grasps for JC, barely managing to grab onto his hand. Fleeting seconds take eons as Lance realizes that he was able to grab JC and that he is slowly slipping from his grasp. The two friends cling to each other and Lance is able to brace his feet and pull JC back onto the roof. Certainly he is aided by adrenaline, but also by love. JC continues to sob but manages to stutter "thanks". Lance turns his face to JC's and touches him under the chin so he can look into JC's eyes. "JC, today you saved my life twice. First, when I was about to fall... so we're even there. But just now, you saved my life with your love. You helped me realize that I am no matter what I should accept who I am and what I am. I love you too JC." Lance's words pour out of him with the power of a love that is strong enough to heal the psychic wounds his own self-loathing inflicted. "josh" "I'm sorry," Lance begins "what did you say?" JC's eyes are filled with love again as the pain turns to mist. His blue eyes stare into the green ones that are the mirror of his soul. "Josh... please call me Josh... I want you to love me as Josh not as JC" Lance's eyes dance, as he understands. "I love you Josh." He whispers. Years of desire and love meet in silence as the two loves slowly, sweetly, longingly, and searchingly kiss. Well, that's the sixth Chapter. The ledge scene was a bit of an homage to Dayse... but dramatic nonetheless :) I guess I should complain more often for I got a nice response from the last chapter... Keep up the good work... Keep the emails coming! :) Please let me know if you like it so far. Any suggestions you have as to where to go with the storylines. Again my email is n_luvjc@hotmail.com I want to thank everyone who emailed me his or her reactions to the chapter. I was truly touched by your kindness. I want to thank Tommie and Clive for not only their friendship, but also their proofreading. I am a fan of too many stories to list them all, but my tried and true series that I eagerly await are: Nsync Lance and JC - Kevin... you better get JC and Lance back together!!! Search and rescue - Matt... Let's keep JC and Matt happy for a while ok? Not meant to be - Kyle... you better not let JC and Kyle break up. Nick and Justin - Keep up the good work! Josh and Just - Get rid of that bitch Stacey!!! Tears in your Eyes (can't wait to see where this is going - Colleen keeps it full of surprises) but those are just a few!