Date: Sun, 27 May 2001 13:18:04 -0400
From: Ajantis 20 <ajantis20@hotmail.com>
Subject: If I Am : 21-22

	Hey! Took a break, planned some stuff out for how the next arc in
this story will go, and started writing again. The pace of this installment
is probably going to be a little bit slower. Basically, I'm thinking of
exploring the first couple of weeks in Al and Kev's relationship, and hint
at some of the issues that they'll have to deal with later down the
road. These chapters will probably also try to flesh out the relationships
between the two guys and the rest of the people that will be on tour. So,
bear with me if the going seems a little slow, okay? :)

	Also, just wanted to give a shout out to some really good stories:
some of them included "Kevin and Justin" (can't wait for the next
posting... *hint hint*), "Forever"/"Equilibrium" (the last posting was
awesome!), and "Route 66 Rocks!" (don't let it end!)

PS Thanks for all the feedback so far, especially DJ and lost. Very
helpful.  Just a note : I'll be taking longer to write from now on, so
expect 2-3 weeks between each installment.

Without further ado...


Chapter 21


	There was a light tapping on the door.

	"Alan? You up? I'm making breakfast, you want some?"

	Still groggy, I raised my head and yelled, "Ugh... go away... it's
too early. Try back in two hours or so".

	"You sure? I've got nice hot toasty waffles here, and I even
grabbed some whipped cream and strawberries..."

	"Nargh... nothing's gonna get me up. Give it up, Kev".

	"Okay, okay, how about this. Hot chocolate syrup. Think about
it. Sweet, liquid, gooey chocolate all over the waffle. I'll even throw in
rainbow sprinkles if you come out now".

	"Alright, alright, you drive a hard bargain. But don't forget, I
want those rainbow sprinkles or the deal's off!" I dragged myself out of
bed and opened the door to see Kevin's beaming face.

	"Morning!" He leaned in for a kiss.

	"Okay, you are WAYYYY too perky for me right now", I grumped, but
let him land a peck on my cheek, then stomped to the breakfast table. The
fragrant aroma of hot chocolate and whipped cream assaulted my senses and
jolted me awake. My tummy growled, making me realize how ravenous I was.

	"Wow. This smells really good. I don't usually eat breakfast, but I
might just make an exception this time", I said while tucking into the
waffles with gusto.

	My sleep-fogged brain finally chose to kick into gear that point. I
looked up at Kevin, the realization dawning upon me that something fairly
significant had happened between the two of us the previous night.

	He was wearing a good-humored expression. "Wow, you're really not a
morning person, are you?"

	"Oh my god, Kev, I'm so totally sorry". I leaned over to kiss his
cheek.  "I can't believe I was so rude to you earlier".

	"It's okay". Kevin shrugged nonchalantly. "I took one look at your
zombie- fied face and figured you were still on your way back from la-la
land". He grinned and shook his head. "Never thought I'd see someone who
was even less of a morning person than AJ, though".

	"Yeah, well, blame it on all those all-nighters I pull during the
school year. I end up trying to catch up on sleep whenever I can, which
happens way too little. Gina tells me that I sleep the sleep of the
dead..."

	"So how does she wake you up?"

	I blushed. "Well, usually she just leaps on the bed and tickles me
till I give in".

	Kevin's eyes gleamed with mischief. "Well, we'll have to try that
sometime, won't we?"

	I groaned in response. "Would it help my case if I just gave in and
cried uncle right now?"

	"Nope!"

	I reached over and gently squeezed his hand. "How about if I said
that you made me very, very happy last night?"

	Kevin's eyes softened, but his voice still held a tinge of
humor. "You know there's no way I can tickle you after saying something
that sweet".

	"No, I'm serious, Kev. This is gonna sound totally cheesy, but
lying in your arms last night was... magical. I mean, I still can't believe
that, you know... that we're together."

	Kevin didn't say a word, but simply gave my hand a tight
squeeze. We continued eating in amiable silence.

	"So, what wild and exciting adventures do you have planned for us
today, oh great and noble one?"

	"Well, BSB has a day off today, so I was thinking we could show you
around Orlando, then maybe catch a movie and just spend some time
together". \

	"Mmm... that sounds nice. I'm up for that".

	The phone rang, interrupting our conversation. With a mild touch of
irritation, Kevin excused himself to answer it. I couldn't hear much of the
conversation, but I knew something was up when Kevin came back to the room
wearing an apologetic expression.

	"Management scheduled a session with MTV's Fanatic at noon today,
so they want us to meet around 11. I'm so sorry, Alan... I can't believe I
totally forgot about this..." Kevin punctuated his explanation with a deep
sigh of frustration.

	Inwardly, I was more than a little disappointed that we weren't
going to be able to spend our first day as a couple together, but I also
knew what the right thing to do was. "Kev, it's okay, I understand. This
sorta stuff is important to you and the guys, and we knew last night that
sooner or later we'd have to juggle between our relationship and your
career. It's just bad luck that we have to start juggling so soon". I
mustered up a smile as I awkwardly tried to reassure Kevin.

	"You sure? I think we'll be gone for only a couple of hours".

	"Yeah, Kev. I'm sure. 'Sides, I think Josh and Kristin wanted to
have a get-to-know-you sorta lunch at some Mexican restaurant in
town. Guess now might be a good time to take them up on that offer".

	"Okay, I promise, as soon as I get back, we'll spend the rest of
the day together".

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

	We pulled up outside La Burrito.

	"This is the place, I think".

	"So Josh is going to give you a ride back?"

	"Yeah. What time do you think the filming will get done?"

	"I don't know. Hopefully we'll be done by 2 or so. I'll rush back
as soon as I can".

	"Okay, see you soon". Kevin looked startled as I leaned over to
give him a quick kiss. "Chill, the tinted windows are up, so no one can see
inside the car". He relaxed and kissed me back.

	Reluctantly, I pulled away and pointed at the clock on his
dashboard.  "Kev, you better go, or you'll be late". With a last kiss, I
got out of the truck and walked into the restaurant.

	The place was, to put it simply, a riot of colors. Even the
waitresses were dressed in bright orange dresses and flaming red tops,
while the waiters were a matched pair with their fuschia pink sombreros and
gaudy yellow ruffled shirts. I goggled at the sheer campy-ness of it
all. Josh frantically waved at me from a table on the far end of the
room. Now it all made sense, or so I thought.

	"Hey Josh, did you pick this place?"

	"Actually, Kristin did".

	"Oh". I was slightly surprised. Served me right for making
stereotypical assumptions about Josh.

	Thankfully, I was saved from further embarrassment when Kristin
came skidding in and plunked herself down at our table. "Hey guys, sorry
I'm late.  Had to drop Tracy off at the day-care".

	"Tracy?"

	"That's my little girl. She's two this October".

	"I see".

	Kristin smiled. "So, what do you think of this place?"

	"It's...nice", I said, trying to lie through my front teeth.

	"Oh come on, Alan. Just call it for what it is. The ultimate,
trashiest, tex-mex joint! Kris drags me here every time cos she knows I
HATE this place with a passion." Josh grinned and reached over to playfully
ruffle Kristin's hair.

	"Yeah, isn't this place awful? Maybe that's why I come here so
often. This place is so bad that it has a charm all its own. I recommend
you try the triple size burrito with everything on top... or maybe the..."

	She was interrupted by Josh, who put his hand on her mouth. "Sorry,
Alan, just saving you from a hideous death by Tex-Mex poisoning. Just to
let you know, Kris has a cast-iron stomach, so NEVER, EVER order something
she recommends.  Believe me, and I'm speaking from personal experience
here, your stomach will be the better for it".

	Kristin pushed Josh's hand away and gave him a look of
death. "Anyway, like I was saying till JOSHUA here so rudely cut in, you
could also consider the flaming chinchilla with the works..."

	"The works?"

	"Oh you know, salsa, guacamole, whipped cream, cayenne, hot
peppers, the works!"

	I blanched and said weakly, "Umm... I think I'll stick with the
taco meal, thanks".

	The three of us chatted for a bit till the food arrived. My taco
meal was pretty big, but it was nothing compared to the monstrous burrito
that Kristin got. Looking at the number of toppings on her plate, I was
secretly thankful that I'd heeded Josh's advice.

	"Josh, how long have you been with the Backstreet Boys?"

	"Oh, just under a year. Fatima's a good friend of mine, and she
recommended me to the boys since she got too busy after choreographing
Larger than Life".

	"What's working for them like?"

	"Oh, it's a blast! The guys are fun to be with, and they're always
willing to listen to our suggestions. Not arrogant at all. Guess that might
have something to do with the fact that unlike what the media likes to
think, the guys were never overnight successes".

	"Really? You think so?"

	"A lot of what you see today is the result of years of hard
work. And I think as a result of that they've developed a really fantastic
work ethic. Kevin also really helps to keep the other guys down to earth".

	"Kevin?"

	"Yeah, he makes sure the fame doesn't get to everyone's
heads. Maybe it's because he's older or he's been in this business
longer". Josh's face darkened a little. "He also ends up dealing with a lot
of the crap that management throws at them".

	Caught off guard by Josh's words, I looked down and pretended to be
extremely engrossed in my half-eaten taco.

	"Josh, it's not that bad. Management just gets a
little... unreasonable sometimes".

	"Kris, what about that time Terence and the Firm refused to pay for
Tracy's child care because it wasn't part of your contract?"

	"Well... it worked out in the end".

	"Only because Kevin and Howie went down to hash it out with
Terence, or that slug wouldn't have gotten the Firm to pay for a single
cent".

	At this point, Kristin must have realized how uncomfortable I was
with the direction of the conversation, because she made a conscious effort
to change the topic.

	"Kev's told us a lot about you, Alan, but he never told us how you
met".

	"Oh, actually Kev and I met when he kind of sideswiped me in
Boston".

	"No way!" Josh exclaimed, gesticulating wildly with his fork, "I'm
so gonna rib Kevin about that the next time I see him".

	The rest of the meal passed quickly, as Kristin and Josh filled me
in on how the tour logistics would go and also dropped some juicy personal
tidbits about the rest of the guys. Turned out that Nick had a terrible
fear of spiders and AJ had the worst hat fetish in the world. Apparently,
Josh had walked into one of AJ's closet once only to be buried under whole
boxloads of hats.

	"And the worst thing is, he doesn't even wear half of them", Josh
exclaimed as he retold the anecdote.

	Kristin excused herself as she had to run off and pick up some
clothes for Tracy, while Josh offered to drive me back, an offer I gladly
accepted. On the drive back, I finally mustered the courage to ask him a
question that had been on the tip of my tongue since the beginning of the
meal.

	"Josh... you've said that the rest of the guys know that you're
gay...  does the rest of the touring company know too? I mean, like Todd,
and Joe, and..."

	"Yeah, they do. I refuse to hide who I am, if you know what I
mean".

	"And they're cool with it?"

	"Most of them are. Leastways, I've never had anyone insult me to my
face.  Management, and especially that worm, Terence, has given me grief
about me being gay from time to time though".

	"What?"

	"Oh, I think they're afraid that since I'm out, if I were to
"associate" too much with the guys, the media might start speculating that
one of the Backstreet Boys is gay. So they've asked me from time to time to
tone down my behavior or to stop hanging around the guys too much".

	Josh's sarcastic and mildly bitter words chilled my heart. "Oh my
god.  What did you do?"

	"Nothing! I refuse to cave in to those bastards. Thank goodness the
guys, and especially Kevin, have always backed me up. It's still annoying
though, and I know it makes things harder for Kevin since he's the one who
has to deal with management, you know?"

	"I see". Then a thought struck me. "Do you think any of the guys
are gay?"

	Josh laughed. "Management would have a fit if any of the guys ever
came out!" His reply, though joking in tone, only further darkened my mood.
"Seriously, though, don't tell anyone else, but I've had hints from AJ and
Howie from time to time. Only hints, though".

	"What about Kevin?"

	"Kevin? Never hang out with him all that much, so I don't
know. Why?" Josh looked over, a little curious at my question.

	"Oh, nothing", I replied, a little smug that Josh had no inkling of
what was going on between Kevin and me.

	Minutes later, I got out of Josh's car and walked into Kevin's
house, still troubled by what Josh's words on the ride back. Kevin hadn't
returned yet, and I still felt a little out-of-place around the house, so I
picked up the phone and gave Gina a call, something I'd been meaning to do
for the past couple of days.

	"Hullo?"

	"Whasssssuppppp?"

	"Oh my god, Alan!!!! How're you?"

	"I'm fine..."

	"You idiot, why haven't you called? I was worried sick about
you. Are you okay? Did, you know, things turn out fine?"

	"Yeah, Dee really helped me get the courage to tell him..."

	"What did Kevin say?"

	"Well, after about twenty nerve-wracking hours, he told me that he
felt the same way".

	There was a gasp from the other side of the phone. "Awww, that's so
sweet.  So it's official now?"

	"Actually, I don't know. We spent the night cuddling, but he had to
rush off this morning to film something for MTV before we could talk".

	"Oh come on, he told you he liked you, right? So how much more
confirmation do you need?"

	"Yeah, I guess. But Gina, how is this going to work out in the long
run?  He's a pop star, I'm a graduate student. Our lives couldn't be any
more different. Not to mention the fact that his management would totally
freak if our relationship became known. Besides, there must be tons of
better-looking guys or girls he could pick from if he really wanted".

	"Alan." Gina's voice held a hint of steely resolve. "You are NOT
going to let your inferiority complex get the best of you, do you
understand? It's only the first day. Give it some time. See how it works
out. All I know is that Kevin seems right for you; you always seem much
happier when he's around, so at the very least, give the two of you a
chance"

	I kept silent. Gina was right. I was being a worrywart as usual. It
was the first day, after all. There was no point in being anxious over the
future at this point in time.

	"You're right, Gina. Thanks".

	"Of course I'm right. I swear, what would you do without me?"

	"Probably get my ear talked off a little less often?"

	"Ooh, you are SO gonna pay for that remark. So spill. What's it
been like so far?"

	I updated Gina on everything that had gone on so far. She seemed
especially interested in my brief stopover at AJ's place, but that wasn't
particularly surprising. Unfortunately, Gina had to rush off to a meeting
with her advisor, so we had to cut the conversation short after half an
hour, but Gina extracted a promise from me to call her as soon as I could.

	It was 3:30pm. And Kevin hadn't returned yet. Despite Gina's
admonitions, my doubts returned in full force. Could this really work out?
Josh's words kept on returning to haunt my thoughts... "Management would
have a fit if any of the guys ever came out".

	I turned on the TV to try and distract myself, only to find the
"Jerry Springer" show on air. With nothing better to do, I sat down on the
couch and got sucked into Jerry's world of transvestite leather midgets and
homophobic Ku Klux Klan white trash.

	Totally absorbed in the episode, I didn't hear the door creak open
and yelped in surprise when a pair of black, leather-clad arms reached from
behind to enfold me.

	"Whoa, tiger!"

	I turned round to see Kevin's smiling face and relaxed into his
embrace.  "Welcome back".

	"Sorry I'm late... management asked for a quick meeting after the
filming for MTV ended".

	"How did it go?"

	"It went well. The fan was a sixteen year old boy this time, and he
asked some really interesting questions. We gave him a special backstage
pass to the Orlando concert and he was totally geeked". Kevin looked up at
the TV screen and grinned. "Didn't realize that you were into that sorta
thing". The current Springer episode was showing two fat guys in leather
S&M outfits tussling with each other.

	I blushed furiously. "Oh, it's nothing like that. Jerry Springer's
just a guilty pleasure I indulge in from time to time. Seeing how shitty
other people's lives are makes me feel a little better about my own
troubles..."

	Kevin came around and looked into my eyes, wearing a concerned
expression on his face. "Does that mean you're troubled right now?"

	I gave a small little laugh and replied in a faltering
voice. "Feeling a little lonely, I guess." I hastily added, "It's not you,
so don't worry, okay?"

	Kevin sat down and laid his head on my shoulder. "Anything I can do
to help?"

	"Yeah, just give me a big Kevin-type hug".

	"Like this?" He put both arms around me and squeezed tightly. I
closed my eyes and leaned into his chest, drawing comfort from his
presence.

	"Anything else on your mind?"

	I looked up and gave a weak grin. "What, are you adding
mind-reading to your list of talents now?"

	"So there is something else". Kevin smiled back and tweaked my
nose.

	"Well, Josh said something that kinda troubled me. He said that
management gave him a hard time about being openly gay and that you guys
stood up for him".

	Kevin saw the unspoken question in my eyes and his lips tightened
into a narrow line. Holding me closer, he whispered, "Alan, I promised you
this last night and I promise you now again. I'll do everything I can to
keep this relationship going. But coming out is a big step, and that's much
further down the road. Right now, let's just enjoy what we have, okay?"

	I gave his shoulder a little squeeze to let him know I
understood. "Funny, that's what Gina said".

	"Well, great minds think alike".

	"Yeah, I guess. I do understand, Kev. About the whole coming out
thing.  That it's a big step. I guess I'm just the kind of person who
always looks to the future and worries about the next big thing that will
come running to trip me up, you know?"

	"Well, let's just enjoy the rest of the day for now, okay? I've
already wasted part of the day when I could've been spending it with you".

	Touched, I made an effort to let go of my worries, but deep down,
there was still a niggling doubt or two. "What do you want to do?"

	"How about the gym? I haven't gotten the chance to work out since
our last concert a week ago, and exercise is always relaxing".

	"Sure, how far of a drive is it?"

	Kevin smirked just a little and pointed down towards the
floor. "You didn't take the chance to explore the house, didja? I put in a
whole personal gym behind the music room in the basement".

	"Must be nice to be able to work out whenever you want".

	"Well, makes it easier for me to stay in shape. Let's get into some
workout clothes and meet downstairs".

	After a hurried change of clothes, I walked into Kevin's gym, and
was immediately astonished by the amount of stuff he had in there. Free
weights, universal trainer, rowing machine, the works. The guy had even put
a running pool and sauna in there, for god's sake.

	"Whatsa matter, cat got your tongue?" Kevin drawled sardonically
from the other side of the room.

	"Woah, looks like you threw in everything but the kitchen sink in
here".

	"Not quite, but I tried". Kevin's eyes twinkled merrily with
mischief.  "Come on, let's get started".

	We did some quick stretching and then hit the weights. Truth be
told, I felt a little envious at that point. There I was, doing some easy
bicep curls, while Kevin was engaged in some heavy-duty bench pressing
beside me. Watching Kevin's taut torso as he did his lifting kinda made me
feel just a little bit puny, especially since I made it to the gym about
once every blue moon or so.

	That didn't mean that I didn't enjoy the view of Kevin getting all
hot and sweaty. As the workout progressed, his tank top grew damp with
perspiration and stuck even closer to his body, which of course only made
him look that much sexier. A tingling in my groin told me that my best
efforts to ignore the sight of Kevin working out had come to naught; I was
most definitely aroused. But then again, it was kinda hard not to be,
especially with such gorgeous eye candy before me.

	Kevin must have noticed too, because he suddenly stopped and smiled
impishly at me. "Enjoying the view?"

	I flushed and pretended to concentrate on finishing up the bicep
curls.

	Kevin's teasing was relentless. "It's kinda hard not to notice when
someone's gawking at you, you know..."

	"Yeah, right. Like I had nothing better to do than look at you. For
your information, Mr. Richardson, I happen to be conscientiously working on
my biceps here". Even to my own ears, my denial sounded terribly hollow.

	"Well then, I guess you won't mind if I cool down a
little. Exercising gets me so hot and bothered, you know". Out of the
corner of my eye, I noticed Kevin sit up. My eyes nearly popped when he
then slowly but sure peeled off his tanktop to reveal one very well-defined
chest. He turned around with a playful look of challenge in his
eyes. "Well?"

	One look at his strapping chest and taut stomach and I caved
in. "Nowhere in your profile on the website does it say that you're a
terrible tease", I remarked petulantly.

	Kevin responded with an exaggerated sigh. "Well, if that's the way
you feel about it, I guess I'll just put my shirt back on then".

	"Okay, okay, I admit it. I enjoy the view of your half-naked body!
There, happy?" I stuck my tongue out at him.

	Kevin's grin only broadened. "Almost". He hooked his finger and
pointed at me. "Turnabout is fair play. Now it's your turn".

	"Nah ah. What kind of guy do you think I am? I don't put out for
anyone on the first day, not even for a Backstreet Boy". I pinched his
cheek to let him know I was joking.

	"Aw. Come on, what's there to be afraid of? Do you think I'll get
turned off by your body or something?"

	That comment struck a raw nerve. Even though I knew Kevin was
joking, I couldn't help but be affected by it. Throughout my teenage years,
I'd been teased for being somewhat overweight. Although I'd slimmed down
somewhat since, it was pretty obvious that I did not frequent the gym very
often, and I was still insecure about my own body image. Kevin's remark
only brought those insecurities to the fore, especially since his own
muscular torso was right in front of me.

	Sensing something amiss, Kevin's expression grew concerned. "Alan?
I was just teasing".

	I smiled wanly back. It wasn't right to punish Kevin for a harmless
remark when it was really my own personal hang-ups that were to
blame. "Let's just finish the workout, okay?" We spent the next twenty
minutes exercising in silence, then split to our separate rooms to shower.

	After a quick shower, I knocked on Kevin's door. "Kev? You decent?"

	"Come on in, I'm still showering".

	I creaked the door open a notch just in case. Even though the two
of us were now technically an item, coming across Kevin in his birthday
suit would still have been pretty awkward.

	Flopping on the bed, I started stretching muscles that were already
stiffening from the workout. Since Kevin still hadn't come out of the
shower yet, I took the chance to look around his room.

	It was minimally yet tastefully decorated, just like the rest of
the house. Framed photos of windswept, barren landscapes, interspersed with
a couple of Picasso and Monet reprints, lined the walls. A large bookcase,
its shelves mostly filled with science fiction books, and a 16-inch
flat-screen TV took up one side of the room. On the other side was a gray
writing desk, its surface clean except for a couple of photo frames. I
found my gaze being drawn to a picture of Kevin, dressed in casual jeans
and T-shirt, hugging a slim brunette in the midst of what appeared to be
some sort of celebration.

	"That's Kristin". The wistfulness in Kevin's voice brought a lump
to my throat. It was clear as day that he still missed her. A lot. "We took
this photo about a year ago, when one of my cousins got married and we took
the chance to have a good ol' Richardson family reunion. Things change
fast, don't they?"

	I wrapped my arms around his waist as he came up beside me. His
hair was still damp from the shower. "You still miss her?"

	Kevin was silent for a moment, and then he responded firmly. "I
won't lie to you, Alan. I do miss her". Then he turned, a look of affection
in his eyes, and said, "But that doesn't matter. What matters now is that
we're together, and that's all that counts".

	I gave him a silent squeeze in response. We moved to the bed and
sat there for a bit before Kevin broke the silence.

	"Any idea what we should do next? It's a little early for dinner".

	I pretended to ignore him, simply lying down on the bed and
stretching in an exaggerated manner. A brief look of puzzlement flashed
across Kevin's face, but quickly dissolved into a broad grin. "Would you
like a backrub?"

	In the meekest, most child-like tone I could think of, I replied,
"Would you please?", then looked up at Kevin with my best imitation of
puppy-dog eyes.

	Kevin chuckled and playfully smacked my chest. "Aw... when you put
it like that, how could I resist? Fine, roll over".

	I began thinking that asking for a backrub might have been a
mistake when Kevin found some of the knots in my back and went right to
work on them. In between groans, I could hear Kevin chortling. I turned as
best I could and gifted him with a look of death. In as sarcastic a drawl
as I could manage, I said, "Fine, take pleasure in my distress. Just so you
know, I'm dying over here".

	Kevin's chuckling only grew louder. "Well, it's not my fault if
your back is so tense, is it? What did you do, sleep on rocks last night?"

	"Hey, Mister. Man with a sore back here, so go easy, capish? Unlike
SOME people, I don't go to the gym everyday, so pardon me if my back's
feeling a little sore from the workout". I stifled a groan as Kevin kneaded
a particularly stubborn knot in my lower back.

	"Kev, can I ask a personal question?"

	"Go ahead".

	"Tell me about your childhood. What it was like to grow up in
Kentucky".

	Kevin gave a short laugh. "That's a pretty big question! I guess
you could say I had a very strict, traditional upbringing. You know, going
to church every Sunday, always minding your language, that sorta
thing. Life was pretty nice and simple back then. Bri and the relatives
would drop by pretty often, and we'd go horse-riding or shoot some hoops or
something". He smile wistfully. "God, I can still remember the first time
Tim and Gerald took me out on a dirt-bike through our neck of the woods. Ma
and Pa gave them such hell cos I was only ten at the time. Didn't stop me
from going out on a dirt-bike by myself a couple of years later, though".

	I flipped on my back and pinched his cheek. "Kevin Richardson, the
dirt- biking hellion. You must have been naughty as a child".

	Kevin grinned. "Well, I had my share of scrapes and tumbles, but my
two elder brothers were always there to protect me". He glanced briefly at
the clock. "Well, it's about six... shall we go grab something to eat?"

	"Sure. What's good to eat around here?"

	"There's Bella Ciao down the road. It's a quaint Italian café
and it serves the best rigatoni around here".

	"Ooh... that sounds yummy".

	Kevin slid off the bed and affectionately extended a hand to
me. "Come on, let's go then. Can't afford to have my boyfriend all hungry
now". That was the first time Kevin had called me his boyfriend, and it
sent a secret thrill down my spine. Looking into his handsome face and
sparkling emerald eyes, I could barely believe it. I was officially going
out with one of the most famous and wonderful guys in the world (in my
opinion, anyways), when months ago, I'd given up all hope of ever entering
into a relationship again, let alone find a decent man whom I could foresee
spending the rest of my life with. For the first time since that whole
thing with Derek, I dared to let myself hope again.

	"Alan? Are you okay?"

	I snapped out of my reverie and firmly reached up to grip Kevin's
hand. "I already am". After giving him a firm peck on the cheek, we walked
out the door together.


Chapter 22


	We kissed passionately as I ran my hand through his long brown
hair. I moaned as Kevin's hands reached under my shirt and began playing
with my nipples. While he was doing that, I literally ripped Kevin's shirt
off and began to slowly, deliberately lick his chest.

	Kevin groaned in pleasure. "Alan..."

	I responded by moving my attention to his nipples.

	"Alan!"

	"Mmmmmm... Kevin..."

	"Alan!"

	My eyes snapped open. Sunlight was streaming through the windows,
and a fully clothed Kevin was beside me, a look of amusement on his
face. "That sounded like a fun dream. What was it about?"

	"Nothing. Just your normal, average, everyday dream. Nothing
interesting at all".

	"Oh really? The way you were groaning in your sleep, you sure could
have fooled me... besides, how do you explain that?" Kevin glanced down to
where my hard-on was clearly visible through the sheets. I blushed and
turned a little to hide it from his view.

	Kevin chuckled and leaned down to kiss my forehead. "Much as I'd
love to embarrass you further, dear, today's the last day before the tour
starts up again, so we need to be punctual for the briefing or Joe is going
chew us up.  Besides, I can't let Nicky or AJ beat me there or they're
never gonna let me hear the end of it".

	"Ugh. I don't understand how you manage to stay so cheerful in the
morning. Blech. It's way too early for me to be up. Are you sure the
briefing is today? I can't have been here for two weeks already, so you
must be wrong. Go back to bed and leave me alone". I tossed a pillow in
Kevin's general direction.

	"No, it's today, and I'm sure all you need to wake up is the right
motivation". Kevin gave me a long, deep kiss.

	"Mmmm..." I broke the smooch long enough to whisper in his ear. "I
think you might be right, but I'm not sure..."

	"Well, maybe we should experiment a little more". We continued our
passionate kissing, until Kevin pulled away.

	"I've got an idea. How about we skip the meeting and just spend the
rest of the day kissing in bed?"

	Kevin chuckled and ruffled my hair. "As tempting as that sounds,
you know we can't do that".

	I replied petulantly: "Yeah, I know, I know. But you can't blame a
guy for trying. After all, who wouldn't want to spend the entire day
cuddling with Kevin Richardson, Mr. Body Beautiful and Backstreet
Boy-extraordinaire".

	Kevin actually looked a little embarrassed. Gleeful at having made
him squirm just a little, I slid out of bed. "Okies, I gotta change, so you
need to leave the room".

	"What, can't a guy watch his boyfriend strip naked?"

	"Not when he also agreed to take it slow. 'Sides, the sight of my
flabby naked body might strike you blind, so go". I tossed a pillow, but a
grinning Kevin simply ducked beneath it and out the doorway

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

	"So what's going to happen at the briefing?"

	"Joe and Terence will lay out the travel and lodging arrangements
for everyone, and also go through the final schedule and tour layout one
last time".

	"I thought you and the other guys did that".

	"We do, but I usually leave it up to Joe to hash out most of the
gory details. Besides, Terence", and here Kevin's voice hardened just a
tad, "would throw a fit if I got too involved with the "management"
process".

	Kevin walked into the briefing room, with me a step behind. Brian
and Howie waved from the main conference table. I was about to join Kevin
at the table when Terence interrupted.

	"Ah, Alan, right? I'm afraid you'll have to take the seat over
there by the wall. These seats are reserved for the Backstreet Boys and
their main tour personnel. Stunned, I looked mutely at Kevin, who had a
furious look in his eyes, but slowly nodded to me. A little disheartened by
the turn of events, I walked over to join some of the senior technicians
and dancers who were seated by the edge of the room.

	Terence rapped the table and began speaking in an arrogant
tone. "Well, as usual, SOME people have not managed to make it in time...",
at which point AJ and Nick burst into the room.

	"Score! We made it", Nick exclaimed, then gave AJ a
high-five. Oblivious to Terence's stare, they took their seats.

	"As I was saying..." Terence's voice was dripping with
sarcasm. "Now that everyone is here, we can get started. Joseph will start
the briefing".

	Joe got up and handed everyone a thin sheaf of notes. "This has all
the relevant tour information in it, but I'll go over some of the more
important parts. As per normal concert arrangements, the Backstreet Boys
will travel in the main bus with the relevant accompanying personnel, while
the rest of the retinue will be in separate buses. Same goes for
accommodations. Kevin and company will each have one room, as will Josh,
Kristin and me. The rest will bunk two to a room. I've already assigned the
people for each room, but if you have problems with your roommate, you can
talk to me in private. That about covers it. Now's let's talk about the
concert itself".

	Joe and Terence proceeded to sketch in some of the rules and
regulations on tour that we'd have to abide by, but I wasn't paying much
attention since I was in too much shock; from what Joe had just said, it
seemed like Kevin and I would not be spending much time together on the
road at all. Flipping through the briefing notes, I found that I was
supposed to room with some dancer named Andy. I glanced up at Kevin, but he
appeared to be debating with Joe and Terence over some of the logistics.

	Before I knew it, the meeting was over. I sat there silently while
the rest of the crew shuffled out, unsure whether to wait for Kevin, who
was still engrossed in conversation with Terence, or leave. Feeling
increasingly uncomfortable, I got up and walked out.

	As I walked into the deserted bathroom round the corner, I heard
quick footsteps behind me, and Kevin's hand came gently down upon my
shoulder.

	"Hey, where're ya going?"

	I turned around, struggling to keep my composure. "Nowhere in
particular".

	"We have to do a last-minute photo shoot, so would you mind waiting
around for a bit? Hopefully, it won't take too long".

	"Sure". I nodded curtly and turned away.

	"What's wrong?"

	"Nothing. I guess I'm just a little surprised that we were going to
be seeing each other so little on tour". I couldn't help but let a little
bitterness leak into my voice.

	"You mean us rooming separately? I did raise the idea of us sharing
a single room with Joe and Terence, but Terence was vehemently against
it. Even Joe was a little taken-aback... we don't usually share rooms on
tour". The strain in Kevin's voice hinted that the decision against rooming
together had not been taken willingly.

	"Kev, you saw what happened today. Terence doesn't consider me one
of the key crew members. He's going to put up a fuss every time I hang out
you guys on the bus, or if we hang out too much. You told me yourself that
he feels the Backstreet Boys shouldn't "fraternize" with the hired help".

	"I tried, Alan, but you have to admit, it would be a little weird
if we started rooming together all of a sudden. Trust me, it'll be
okay. We'll still get to spend time together outside of the tour".

	I knew that Kevin had a point, but part of me was also truly upset
at how the arrangements on tour had panned out. Unable to control myself, I
lashed out at Kevin. I looked him in the eyes and spoke in a
monotone. "Kevin, can you honestly tell me you believe that? That it's too
difficult for you to try harder so that we can spend more time together on
tour? Or is it because you're afraid that the two of us being together
might hurt your career?"

	The distraught look in Kevin's eyes made me instantly sorry for the
harsh words that I'd thrown in his face. Before either one of us could say
anything else, there was a knock on the bathroom door.

	"Kevin, you in there?" It was Howie.

	Kevin tore his eyes away and glanced towards the door. "Yeah,
what?"

	"The photographer's here, and he's on a tight schedule so we need
to get cracking".

	"Okay, I'll be right out". Kevin stalked out without saying another
word.  Several moments later, I followed with a heavy heart, regretting the
rash words that had slipped out of my mouth.

	Kevin turned sharply into a room down the corridor. I hovered
nearby, uncertain if I was allowed to go in with him. Thankfully, Howie and
Nick came by at that point; Nick, as energetic as always, said, "Al! Wanna
come in and sit in on our photo shoot?"

	"Would that be okay? I thought the photo shoot was supposed to be
private".

	"Nah, shouldn't be a problem. Right, Howie?" Howie nodded in
response.

	"Alright, I'd like to, if it doesn't cause too much trouble".

	I followed the two of them into the room, where the lighting and
props had already been set up. Kevin was getting the final touches to his
hair and makeup on the other end of the room, but he seemed to be avoiding
my gaze. Dejected, I wandered disconsolately to one end of the room and
plumped down in a chair.

	The photographer got Kevin ready and then started shooting. Brian
sat in one corner, seemingly lost in thought, while AJ and Nick were
clowning around near the door.

	"Penny for your thoughts?"

	Startled, I looked up to see Howie taking the seat next to me.

	"I'm not sure they're worth that much", I smiled wanly.

	"Try me. You might be surprised".

	I hesitated. Although Howie and I had grown closer in the two weeks
since I'd arrived, I still wasn't sure if I could trust him with my
innermost thoughts.

	"Well, let's just say it's a relationship problem and leave it at
that..."

	"That doesn't work when you're dealing with Kevin. If I've learnt
one thing from hanging out with him over the past eight years, it's that
you should always work out your differences as quickly as possible, or he's
just going to get more and more upset over time".

	I was completely flabbergasted. A growing sense of panic began to
sweep over me, but I forced it down and stuttered, "I... I don't know what
you're talking about".

	Howie turned around and looked me squarely in the face. "Alan. I
know. And it's okay".

	"When... when did you find out?"

	"I've suspected for the past week or so, but overhearing part of
the earlier conversation between the two of you in the toilet kinda
confirmed it".

	I whispered, "And how... what do you think about it?"

	There was a pregnant pause. Howie appeared to be considering his
answer, and I was secretly dreading the answer that I thought he would
give.

	"Honestly? I guess I was surprised. Never figured either you or
Kevin to be the type. Must have been too fixated on the fact that Kari and
Kev used to be an item, if you know what I mean".

	"He's bi, and I'm gay..."

	My heart sank, but Howie favored me with a small smile. "I will
say, though, that Kev has been in much better spirits since the two of you
started hanging out together. You're good for him, and looks like he's good
for you two".

	Was it possible? Did Howie actually mean what I thought he was
saying? In a tremulous voice, I asked, "So you approve?"

	"Of course. Kev might seem strong on the outside, but right now
he's still hurting from the whole breakup with Kari, even if he might not
know it. He's one of my closest friends, so I'm glad he's found someone
that makes him happy.  Besides, you're a cool guy, so I'm hoping the two of
you work out".

	"Were we that obvious?"

	"Not really. Knowing Kevin so well, I kinda noticed something going
on between the two of you, but I wasn't sure till I heard that conversation
in the bathroom".

	"And the rest? Do they know?"

	"I think Brian suspects, but refuses to consider the possibility,
which isn't surprising, considering his staunch Christian beliefs. AJ and
Nick are as usual pretty oblivious. Are you going to tell them?"

	"That's up to Kev..." I paused, then looked away to where Kevin was
still posing for the photographer. "What should I do, Howie? I shouldn't
have kicked up such a fuss over us not rooming together on the tour... I'm
afraid I hurt him pretty badly".

	 "Alan, it's true that Kevin places a lot of importance on his
career, but he values his relationships as well. You just have to give him
some space from time to time... Just make sure you two resolve this before
it festers too much, okay?"

	Kevin finished his shoot at that point and walked to the back of
the room.  Howie patted me on the shoulder. "There's your chance! Gotta go,
it's my turn with Bert".

	I walked over to where Kevin stood and asked in a tentative
voice. "Hey, can we talk?"

	After a short silence, Kevin replied, "Sure, let's go somewhere a
little more private".

	We went to one of the storage rooms. I stared down at the ground, a
little unsure over what to say. In an uncertain tone, I began,
"Kevin... I'm really sorry for what I said earlier. I know how important
your career is to you, and it was selfish and cruel of me to force such a
choice upon you when we've barely been going out for two weeks. Can you
accept my apology?"

	Kevin took my hand and cupped it against his cheek. I felt
something wet and looked up to see his eyes, gleaming with tears. "Yes, Al,
if you'll accept mine". He put a finger against my lips to keep me from
interrupting and went on speaking in a quiet voice. "I was thinking during
the photo shoot... I promised you that I would do everything in my power to
keep our relationship going. If I can't even put in the effort to make sure
we get to spend more time together on tour, what's going to happen months
or years down the road when we'll be forced to make much harder choices?"
Kevin gripped my hand even more firmly. "No, I'll tell Terence that you're
as important a member of the crew as Josh or Kristin, and that's that".

	"Kev..." I murmured, pulling him into a hug. "You don't have to do
this".

	He fiercely whispered back. "I want to. I need to. For you. For
me. And for us".

	I wanted to hug him even tighter, but forced myself to disengage
from his embrace. "You should get going, they're probably going to start
the group shots soon".

	"I'll go after this". Then he leaned down and kissed me, hard and
fierce.  I melted into his arms and passionately kissed him back. After
what seemed like an eternity, we drew apart and silently walked back to the
photo shoot.

	Nick had just started his shoot. Kevin patted my hand as we walked
up to Terence, who was conferring with Joe at one end of the room.

	"Hey Terence".

	"What? I'm a little busy here." His tone was one of irritation and
annoyance.

	Kevin visibly steeled himself. "Alan here is an important member of
the crew. I've decided to let him travel with us on the bus, and he's also
going to be rooming with me throughout the rest of the tour.

	There was a sneer on Terence's face. In a condescending tone, he
replied, "Kevin, Kevin, Kevin. We've already been through this once. You
just broke up with Kari months ago. We can't afford to have you room with a
guy now. The media would just think you were gay, and you KNOW how that
would affect your career.  Besides, what does a "vocal consultant" like him
do that would merit him getting his own room?"

	Kevin was obviously upset, but his body language suggested that he
would brook no refusals on this matter. "Terence," Kevin ground out the
name through gritted teeth, "Alan has been and will continue to be very
useful to us on this tour. He is an invaluable member of the team, and I do
NOT appreciate you disparaging him in that manner. Since we tend to have
the meetings in my room anyway, having the two of us room together will
make it more convenient for me or the rest of the guys to get his
advice. This matter is not up for discussion.  You'll make the necessary
arrangements, or I'll go ahead and make them myself".

	Terence was taken-aback, but quickly recovered his arrogance. "And
what about the rest of the guys? Do they approve of you doing this?"

	Howie came up and placed a hand on my shoulder. "Yes".

	Kevin looked a little puzzled but shot Howie a grateful look.

	Terence looked like he was about to explode. "Fine! Have it your
way.  Don't say I didn't warn you though. I wash my hands of this whole
thing. You can get Joe to re-do the arrangements for Alan". With that, he
stormed out of the room.

	Joe shrugged. "You're the boss, Kev. I'll get on it right away". He
followed Terence out.

	Bert the photographer waved for everyone to begin the
group-shots. Kevin squeezed my hand, and with a whispered, "I'll be right
back", he moved to join the rest of the group. I stopped Howie as he walked
by and gave him a quick hug.

	"Thanks, D".

	"No problem". Howie smiled slyly. "I always like to see my friends
happy.  Just treat him nice, okay?"

	I parked myself in the corner and watched Kevin and the rest of the
guys.  The cheerful expression on Kevin's face made my heart leap with joy,
and when he looked over at me and smiled, I couldn't help breaking out in a
goofy little grin. Suddenly, somehow, for that one instant, everything
about the world seemed right.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

	We lay in Kevin's bed, luxuriating in the warm glow of each other's
presence. Kevin was exhausted from a hectic day; after the photo shoot,
he'd ended up running around, firefighting and trouble-shooting the last
minute foul- ups that were occurring all over the place. I ran my fingers
through his hair as he rested his head on my chest.

	The classical music CD that was playing in the stereo came to a
stop. I leaned over and searched through the CD rack.

	"Awesome! You have "Rites of Passage".

	"I bought it after you sang "Galileo" to me that night on the
dunes".

	I hugged him closer. "That's sweet". I slipped the CD in, and we
lay there in amiable silence for a while longer.

	One of my favorite tracks from the CD came on.


"Guess I wasn't the best one to ask
 Me myself with my face pressed
 Up against love's glass
 To see the shiny toy I've been hoping for
 The one I never could afford"


	"Thank you".

	Kevin stirred and smiled sleepily. "For what?"

	"For what you did today. It meant a lot to me. To us".

	He raised his head. "Alan. I know we've only been together for two
weeks, but this relationship already means a lot to me. I want you to know
that".


"The wide world spins and spits turmoil
 And the nations toil for peace
 But the paws of fear upon your chest
 Only love can soothe that beast.
 And my words are paper tigers
 No match for the predators of pain inside her".


	"I know, Kev". I gave a weak little laugh. "I guess I'm just a
paranoid at heart, especially when it comes to relationships. Had a really
bad experience in the past".

	Kevin wrapped his arms around my shoulders. "Do you want to talk
about it?"

	Even content as I was with Kevin at that moment, thinking about it
still hurt. "I... I can't, Kev. It's too painful. You're the first person
I've even mentioned it to since it all happened".


"I was born under the sign of cancer
 Like brushing cloth I smooth the wrinkles for an answer.
 I'm always closing my eyes and wishing I'm fine
 Even though I know I'm not this time".


	"I understand", Kevin replied gently. "But I'll be here to listen
when you're ready".

	I suddenly knew what I had to and wanted to do next. The moment
seemed so right. I sat as upright as I could and took both of Kevin's hands
in a firm grasp.

	"Kevin Scott Richardson, will you be my boyfriend?"

	Kevin had an amused look on his face. "I thought I already was".

	In as grave a tone as I could manage, "I just want to make it
official.  Kevin, will you be my boyfriend?"

	Kevin looked solemnly into my eyes for the space of several
heartbeats, then replied in a voice full of affection, "yes, Alan. Yes, I
will".

	Overcome by emotion, I held him close. Somehow, with those
whispered words, what Kevin and I had now seemed less distant and both more
possible and real.


"I say love will come to you
 Hoping just because I spoke the words that they're true
 As if I offered up a crystal ball to look through
 Where there's now one there will be two".


	I finally drew out of Kevin's embrace. "You've had a long day, Kev,
and tomorrow's the big day. Sleep tight, okay?"

	His hand shot out and caught mine as I started to leave. Surprised,
I turned round to see Kevin's eyes, gleaming with longing and desire,
looking back at me. "Stay". His voice was barely above a whisper. "Stay and
sleep with me tonight?"

	I hesitated. Were we ready to take this step? Then I thought back
over everything that had happened today and realized what my answer
was. Creeping back under the sheets, I cradled my head in the crook of
Kevin's shoulder. With a contented sigh, Kevin wrapped his strong, warm
arms around my waist. Before long, he was snoring softly.

	I felt sleep beckoning, but resisted it for just a while to look up
into his tired but beautiful face. At the sight of the serene expression on
his face, now seemingly unlined by cares and worries, there was a sudden
explosion of joy in my heart. Lying there in his embrace, I felt truly safe
and content for the first time in a long while. Secure in Kevin's arms, I
let myself drift off into blissful sleep.

	The song came to an end...


"I say love will come to you
 Hoping just because I spoke the words that they're true
 As if I offered up a crystal ball to look through
 I have offered up to you
 Where there's now one there will be two".


		  ("Love will come to you", Indigo Girls)


To be continued,

That was it! Hope you liked it. I'll start writing the next few chapters in
a couple of days.

Ajantis