Date: Wed, 9 May 2001 07:22:00 -0700 (PDT) From: Jim Higgins Subject: Phil and Wade - a short story Hey Everyone! Well here it is... more on Phil and Wade. There's been such a large request for it that I figured how could I disappoint my readers? It's just one chapter, a short story. There is a little twist in the format, I think you'll figure it out. It was kinda hard to write it and not give away too many details of what happens for Justin and Jamie. I hope y'all like it! : ) For all of you wondering, I'll be posting the next chapter of Flying Without Wings a few days late. I was so close to finishing this that I devoted my time to it so Jamie's story is a little delayed. The usual disclaimer: The following short story is a fiction. The use of the names and identities of real people, whether living or dead, in no way implies actual fact and are used as characterizations only. If you're too young or in a location where it is illegal then stop now. ******** Phil and Wade - a short story ******** Chapter 12 - The man I love... or loved (sigh)... oh ok, still love You've probably been wondering when I'd get to this part: my sex life. At first I was gonna leave it out. I figured who wanted to hear about this. Then I was talking with some friends and they said it sells. Well, I'm sure you all have better things to do with your lives than read about my romantic life. I decided that I would talk a little about it because it's a significant part of my life. Well, HE was and still is important to me. I've met many famous people. Of all the people I've met, HE's probably the most beautiful. I don't mean physical beauty, although to me he's gorgeous. He has something inside that few possess. His heart is huge and he gave it away only once, whole and unreserved. Yes, it was to me. What did you think? It wouldn't make much of a story if it was someone else, would it? Then again it would be. How's that old song go? 'Someday he'll come along, the man I love....' I met him by chance. It was one of those quirks of fate that bring two people together. We hit it off almost immediately. One of us needed someone more mature and grounding while the other needed someone to remind him he could still be young and have fun. I think that was one of the things that drew us together. Yes, we did have fun, that's for sure. He was the most amazing lover, so giving and caring. It was something at the time that I'd never experienced. Of course, we were both children, really, playing at being adults. It still amazes me that we lasted as long as we did. I still remember the day we met like it was yesterday............ ------ "Um, hi there, I'm Phil. I thought you'd like some water." Phil held out the water bottle with an easy smile. Wade smiled back, took the bottle and shook Phil's hand. "So are you on the crew?" "No, just traveling with the guys for awhile. I'm Jamie's brother." "Oh, nice to meet you. He did mention that you'd be tagging along. Your brother's really great." "Ya, he is. Some people say it runs in the family," Phil said with a wink. Wade smiled back and they laughed together. "Well how about I find if that's true for myself?" Putting an arm around Phil's shoulder they slowly walked backstage. They spent the next half hour getting to know each other better. It turned out they had a lot in common, including dance. In Phil's mind, a thousand fantasies were forming and swirling around. He felt the attraction to the choreographer almost immediately. From the reaction he was getting, it seemed it was mutual. When the sound check was over Wade made an offer that Phil couldn't refuse. "How would you like to head out and get some pizza or something with me?" "I'd love to. I just have to check with Jamie first." Wade nodded as Phil ran off. In a few seconds he was back grinning widely. "I'm guessing he said it's ok," Wade laughed. "You bet, let's go!" ------ Over the next few hours they ate and talked, sharing about themselves. Phil was amazed at the things Wade had done in the last few years and the attraction grew. Playing it cool, he acted easy going and tried to keep the longing looks to a minimum. Some harmless flirting went back and forth and Wade even showed Phil his navel piercing after a little pleading. Phil eyed it wonderingly and made sure to get a good look at his stomach as well. Laughing and rubbing shoulders they entered into the stadium and separated so Wade could talk with the guys and Phil with his brother. "So, Wade. How was your date?" Chris joked with him. "It wasn't a date and I had a lot of fun." 'NSync smiled at him as a group and Joey pinched his cheek. "He's a great guy, Wade. Really worth getting to know," Justin advised him. Wade gave Justin a big smile. "So pimping for your fiance's family now, huh?" They all laughed. "No way. Phil can take care of that on his own it seems," Justin grinned at him. "So what's happening?" Lance asked. "We're just getting to know each other for now." Wade shrugged. "I don't even know if he's interested that way, we'll just see what happens." Wade walked off and the guys of 'NSync grinned at each other. "I think he's head over heals," JC said. "Definitely," Chris agreed. ------ "So do you wanna just hang out here tonight and watch a movie or something?" "That sounds great. We can order room service." Phil went and picked up the menu and sat back down on the couch next to Wade. Together they looked over the choices. "So why did you come and get me out of the box tonight?" "Umm... well, you see..." Wade shifted uncomfortably. Phil smiled. "My brother, right?" Wade nodded. "He asked me to. He was getting weird vibes from Jeff." "I was too but I wasn't too worried. He's kinda cute though." "I agree there, but he's bad news, really." Phil grinned at Wade. "So you came to rescue me... my hero." Wade blushed and looked into Phil's eyes. For a minute they just looked deeply at each other before they drifted together. The second their lips touched their hands started roaming and their tongues pressed into each other's mouths. They broke apart gasping for breath. Phil's shirt was unbuttoned and Wade's was pushed up under his armpits. Using the pause, Phil took Wade's shirt the rest of the way off. Wade lay on his back and pulled Phil on top of him. "That's better," he said before Phil's tongue took over his mouth. Wade's hands made their way through Phil's long hair. Gently removing the elastic, he ran his fingers completely down the length of it as it flowed over Phil's shoulders. This time they separated by knock at the door. "Don't you move," Phil warned as he went to see who it was. Wade smiled and moved over to the bed. He heard voices from the hall and detected Jamie's amused tone. Phil came in a moment later and looked at him. "You moved," he accused. "I thought the bed would be more comfortable. What did Jamie want?" "Just letting us know that they're going down to the bar to hang out for awhile." Phil took off his shirt and joined Wade and gave him a quick kiss on the lips. "How about we order some food?" "Good idea." Wade dialed the extension and ordered with Phil's help. He turned to Phil as he hung up the phone. "So what do you want to do while we wait?" An evil gleam came into Phil's eyes and he crawled over Wade and lay on top of him. "This," he said simply and pressed their lips together. A short time later when another knock came at the door, both boys were down to their boxers and locked in a fiery kiss. "I'll get it," Phil volunteered. He got off of Wade and put a robe on and came back with a room service cart. "Food's on... let's eat!!" ------ Phil woke the next morning to something warm wrapped around him. He smiled and turned his head to see Wade sleeping soundly beside him. Snuggling back into him, he sighed. He knew Jamie would never believe that he and Wade had only made out and touched a little last night. He had a hard time understanding just how in tune he and Wade were on everything. They talked like they'd known each other for years, somehow knew exactly where to touch the other to bring out soft moans and had silently agreed on the limits last night without saying a word. Phil was still feeling the after effects. He was so horny, he had to do something about it and hoped that Wade would be interested. Turning on his side he ran one hand lightly down Wade's chest and stomach to stop on his boxer covered crotch. Wade squirmed in his sleep and sighed. Becoming daring, Phil reached under the elastic and lightly gripped the base of Wade's growing cock. He stroked lightly and felt Wade's tongue start licking his shoulder. Phil turned his head and smiled to see Wade grinning back at him. "Good morning, sunshine," Phil said with a kiss. "Should I stop?" "You do and I'll have to hurt you." Phil smirked and took Wade's bottom lip between his own. He gripped Wade more firmly as his strokes became more insistent. Wade groaned and slipped his boxers off. Phil released Wade's lip and moved down to his chest. With a smile he licked across the pierced nipple, letting the slight silver ring roll across his tongue. Wade shivered at the sensation and grew rock hard in Phil's hand. He looked down. Wade's penis was just as beautiful as he was. Not large or small, it was perfectly proportioned with Wade's body. Sucking hard on the nipple, he stroked firmly up and down while Wade gasped beside him. "Oh, Phil," he moaned. "You like that, baby?" Phil murmured seductively. Wade answered by throwing his head back and moaning louder. Within a minute, Wade tensed and came on his stomach. Phil watched Wade stomach muscles contract and relax in fascination. "You're so sexy, Wade." Wade hugged Phil tightly to him as he shuddered with the ending contractions. "That felt so good." Wade turned his head and kissed Phil while pulling off his boxers. "Your turn." Phil was already hard as a rock and Wade gripped it firmly. Phil shuddered at the feeling of Wade's hand. Pulling Wade to him, Phil kissed him, pushing his tongue deep into Wade's mouth. It didn't take long for Wade to bring Phil to a wonderful climax with a skilled hand. Phil panted in Wade's arms, smiling. "Now -that- felt good." Wade chuckled. "You know, you're beautiful when you cum." Phil blushed. "Shut up," he said happily. Wade suddenly got self-conscious. "Um, Phil... can I ask you something?" Sensing Wade's seriousness, Phil decided to be serious as well. "Sure." "How... ah... how experienced are you?" Wade blushed a deep red. "You don't have to be embarrassed about asking me anything, really. In case you haven't noticed, I'm not particularly shy," Phil smiled. Wade smiled back. "I guess we should talk a little, huh?" Phil nodded. "You go first." "Well, I've dated a few guys the last couple of years, but only had one boyfriend so far. We never did much, kissing and making out mostly. We would watch each other um... well, you know." Wade blushed again. "We also did what we just did a few times, but that's all." "So what happened?" "It was my fault, I guess. I got busy as the choreo gigs started coming in and I was taking more work dancing myself and he felt a little neglected. I don't blame him, he was right in a way. We decided to end it last winter." "I'm sorry sweetie." Wade shrugged. "It's alright. Like I said, it was mostly me. I also felt a little trapped. I was 16 and starting this wonderful career and in this heavy duty relationship. I just wasn't ready for it. What about you?" Phil smiled. "Well... I don't want to sound like a tramp or anything, but I've had four boyfriends. Five if you count this guy Jason who I saw for about a week before he dumped me." "He must have the worst taste in the world." "You're so sweet." Phil kissed Wade on the cheek. "I think he got freaked out by the whole Jamie and Justin thing. He was pretty uncomfortable about the celebrity thing." "Closeted, huh?" "Very and I guess it was for the best. I haven't done much more, sexually, than you although Jamie might say otherwise. I gave a blowjob once and got a couple but other than that..." Phil shrugged. "Phil," Wade said seriously, "I don't want to lead you on, but I don't think I want a heavy committed relationship right now. I really don't have the time to give to one and it wouldn't be fair to you." "I understand." Phil looked at Wade's profile. "Considering my track record so far I should just date a lot of guys and wait for the best one anyway." Wade turned his head and looked at Phil. "For what it's worth, I think you'd be the perfect boyfriend." "Thanks," Phil blushed. He paused and lay on his back staring at the ceiling, mimicking Wade's pose. "So what do you want to do about whatever is going on here with us?" Wade turned his whole body on his side, facing Phil. "I really don't know. I don't want to hurt you, Phil. Jamie would have my skin if I did. But I would like to get to know you better." "I'd like that too. Let's just go with it and see where it leads us, no strings, no heavy expectations. Let's just have fun and if Jamie says anything to you, let me know and I'll put him in his place." Wade laughed. "I bet you could too." "Hey, I didn't get a black belt for nothing. I had to protect myself from two older brothers." "So what do we call ourselves? Fuck buddies?" Phil made a face. "As much as the image that brings to mind appeals to me, it's kinda vulgar. How about friends, soon to be close friends, with some fringe benefits." "Fringe benefits?" "Ya, like fuck buddies," Phil laughed. Wade joined him and pulled him into a kiss. ------ Sure I was fooling myself, I think we both were. That first night and morning I started falling hopelessly in love with the man. I lived to see him smile, shivered at the feeling of his fingers on my skin, felt my limbs turn to rubber when he moaned my name when we were intimate. I guess in the perfect romance I would now say that we gave ourselves fully to each other during that week in a exquisitely romantic evening, but it didn't happen. Both our virginities remained intact, although I learned how to use my mouth much better and he got very good at using his. Like I've said before, he was the most caring lover I've ever had. He respected my boundaries and I respected his. He was always the perfect gentleman and treated me always with utmost respect. When we parted near the end of July I thought my heart would break. I knew then and there that I was in love and I wanted nobody else. I vowed at that time that I would wait however long it took for him to be ready for 'us' to be possible. Of course I wanted more. I know I had somewhat of a reputation, maybe rightfully, as a player. Believe me, for my age at the time, I sure had more than a few ex-boyfriends. But it wasn't because I was fickle or easy or anything like that. Well, maybe I was a little easy, chalk it up to being too optimistic. I knew what I wanted and if I didn't find it in whoever I was dating at the time, I'd move on. It's sounds heartless, doesn't it? I didn't love them and leave them. Most of the guys I'd dated up until that point were very sweet and nice boyfriends. So I bided my time and worked my best magic. In retrospect, I realize that nothing I did after that first week would change his feelings for me, he was already head over heals. We spent some time at the end of the summer, camping with Jamie and Justin and a long weekend in New York. We had kept in contact almost daily and had seen each other for weekends about every third week. Most people would think that, considering the distance and hectic schedules, that things were going well for us............ ------ "Honey, I'm home!" Justin called as he came through the door. Phil ran into the hall and stopped dead, his mouth hanging open. "What the hell happened to you?!?" Jamie laughed from behind Justin. "Just the remains of a very effective disguise." Phil hugged Justin then ran his fingers through his black hair. "How permanent is it?" "It should be mostly washed out by the time we leave." "Cool, it makes you look so different." "That was the general idea," Jamie laughed as he hugged his brother. "Where's Ma?" "In the backyard getting ready for winter." "I'll go say hi and see if I can fool her," Justin said and left the room. Jamie and Phil moved to the kitchen and listened. After a minute they heard their mother laugh loud and long. "So, Philly, how goes things with you?" "Well, school's school... I can't wait to go to college. There's nobody around here to talk to. Except for a couple of my friends they're all such children." Jamie laughed. "You poor mature thing. You miss him, huh?" Phil nodded. "We talk all the time and he sends me cards and presents from wherever his is and I'm still sad." Jamie frowned, confused. "I'd think you'd be happy. Well, except for the being apart thing..." "That's a little of it, but I want more, Sonny." "More? Like what?" "Like what you and Justin have. Well, maybe not -that- serious, I'm not ready to get married. As it stands now we're both free to see other people even though I don't have any desire to and I don't think he does either." Jamie looked at Phil awestruck. "You want a serious commitment, don't you?" "Don't be so surprised, dork. I'm not that different from you as you think." "I'm sorry, it shouldn't surprise me. But then again, you always do. For what it's worth, I know he likes you alot... maybe loves you. He always asks about you." Phil smiled. "Well, it's something, I suppose." "I think if you got to spend more time together things would move quicker in that direction. Just be patient and give it time, Philly. If it's meant to be it will." Phil hugged Jamie and held on tight. "Thanks, you always make me feel better about things." "I'm your big brother, I'm supposed to do that. Now let go of me, twirp, and stop bawling on my shirt." Phil laughed and wiped his eyes before swiping at Jamie's shoulder. "So when will you see him again?" "Probably not until around Thanksgiving. Ma said he could come if he wanted and that I could visit him the week before." Jamie nodded. "I'll make sure he knows that he's -expected- to be here," he said with a smile. "I know he doesn't talk with his family much, they aren't close, so he has no reason to not accept." "Are you and Justin gonna be here?" "The day after. Justin, Lynn and I are spending Thanksgiving Day in Memphis. They want to be close to his grandfather." Phil nodded. "So tell me all about your vacation. I want to hear all about Hawaii........" ------ Jamie was true to his word, we spent a whole week together, a few days in St. Louis while 'NSync learned their choreo for the Billboard Awards, then in Maine. It was good to see each other in a relaxed atmosphere. I was still getting the mixed vibe from him about us. At times I knew that I was the only one and would swear on a stack of bibles that it was the truth. But every so often, I felt like he was still unsure of what he wanted. We didn't want to talk about it and needless to say it was a mess. One of the things we found out about each other our last morning together that weekend was that neither of us liked being painted, pushed or barricaded into a corner............ ------ "Why can't you just trust me and leave it alone, Phil?" Wade said loudly. "I just thought we should talk about it." Wade exhaled in frustration. "Listen, I like you alot and am very happy with the way things are going between us." "I am, too." "Then what are you asking for?" Phil shook his head. "I guess I don't know." Wade started pacing. "I told you from the start that I didn't want a heavy, serious relationship. What we've had these past few months has been perfect for me right now..." "I sense a but there." "I don't know either," Wade said seriously. "All I do know is I more than like you." Phil sat silently, knowing that Wade was telling him the truth. His mouth outran his brain, however. "Is there someone else? Is that why?" Wade looked coldly at Phil. "How could you ask that? Even though we decided not to be exclusive you know that I haven't been with anyone else since we met." "Why not?" Phil still was speaking without thinking. 'Just shut up,' he kept screaming at himself but since he had started he couldn't stop himself. "I don't believe this..." Wade sat heavily on the park bench. It wasn't lost on Phil that it was as far from him as he could get. "I wouldn't lie to you. I lo... like you alot and respect you more than that." "See you can't even admit it to yourself." "Admit what?" "You can't even say the word to me, can you? You feel it but you're still denying it. I'm not afraid to say it anymore. Wade, I love you. I know I do and I can't change that." "Don't you start telling me what I feel." Wade crossed his arms and stared out over the park. "Well, I guess there's not much more to say then." Phil stood, looking away. Wade stood and placed a hand on Phil's shoulder. "Please, don't." Phil shook the hand off and took a couple of steps away. He turned and Wade saw the tears running down his cheeks. "I want to give you the space you need and not push you. But I love you, Wade. I love you so much it hurts that we're apart so much. I didn't want to be this way, believe me." "I know, Phil. I'm sorry. I thought I was ready, but I guess I'm not and I don't want to be unfair to you. My life isn't my own right now and I don't want to promise something that I can't give." Phil nodded. "I understand, really I do." Wade spread his arms and Phil walked into them. They hugged warmly. "For what it's worth," Wade said into Phil's neck, "I do love you, Phil, and I'm willing to continue working at this if you are." Phil started crying more at his words. "I am. Just please don't hurt me." "It's the last thing on my mind." ------ Things went this way through the winter and into the spring. We'd be doing fine, then one of us would melt down a little. There would be a small fight, we'd make up and things would continue as they had been. The only consolation I got was that every time we went through the cycle we'd get closer emotionally. As the year ground away, we spent as many weekends together as we could. As much as I wanted to keep talking to him about a serious commitment, I held off. I didn't think we were ready for it. Well, I was, but I knew he wasn't. Considering that we saw each other so infrequently, we found other things to occupy most of our time when we were together and talking was last on the list. By midwinter, when my 18th birthday arrived just before his, we decided to give each other the best and biggest present the weekend we got together............ ------ "I like your apartment. It's nice." "Eh, it's ok. If I spent more time here, I'd do something more to it. Dan's apartment is pretty cool, you must like staying there." "Well, it is convenient to all things gay in New York, but it's missing something." Wade sat on the couch next to Phil. "And what would that be?" "You," Phil purred at him and lay his head on Wade's shoulder. "You're such a charmer. I love that about you." Wade and Phil had just returned from a wonderful dinner to celebrate their birthdays even though Wade's wasn't until another week and a half. They decided to spend the rest of the night cuddled up on the couch. Phil moved and pushed Wade down on the cushions. "I love you, Wade," Phil said seriously. "I love you too, pumpkin." Their lips met and they knew immediately that they had made the correct choice for the evening. Phil's tongue was first out and ran around Wade's lips causing him to moan. Soon their tongues were traveling freely between them as the kiss grew more passionate. Hands went to clothes, working buttons and zippers. "I hope you don't mind," Phil panted as he deftly removed Wade's shirt, "but it's been over a month and I need you." "No complaints here," Wade replied as he pushed Phil's pants down his hips. With a little fussing and squirming they were soon down to their boxers. Phil pushed his hand down into Wade's boxers and gently grabbed the base of his erect cock. Wade moaned and pushed his hips up against Phil's hand and arm. "I want you so bad," Phil panted. Wade responded by sucking his tongue forcefully as his hands slipped under Phil's boxers to cup his ass. "Oh, Wade, touch me there, oh ya." Wade's fingers crept into the crack and spread Phil's cheeks. Wade carefully took a finger and ran it around Phil's pucker. Phil shivered and moaned loudly. "You like that, baby?" "Ya, more... more..." Phil panted. He released Wade's mouth and kissed down Wade's chest. He took one nipple between his lips and started sucking hungrily. Wade's cock grew harder in Phil's hand as he rubbed up against him. "Let's go to the bedroom," Wade suggested. Phil nodded and pulled Wade along with him. Before getting into the bed, they made a game of getting each other's boxers down to their ankles. Once naked and laying beside each other all games stopped. Phil was laying on top of Wade and rubbing their dicks together between their stomachs. Wade had returned his hands to Phil's ass and was teasingly playing with his hole. Phil looked up from the hickey that he had started and looked into Wade's eyes. They became slightly unfocused when Wade pushed a fingertip against the muscle surrounding his opening. "Wade..." Phil said slightly out of breath. "I know this is about as far as we've gone, but I need you..." Wade's eyes widened, then he smiled. "What do you want, my beautiful Phil?" "Please make love to me. Be my first." Wade responded with a breath stealing kiss as he tried to suck Phil's tongue out of his mouth. With minimal movement he reached over beside the bed and pulled the lube to them. Not letting go of Phil's mouth, Wade greased his fingers and started massaging Phil's hole and getting it slick. "Yes Wade," Phil moaned. "Ahhhhhh!" he said loudly when Wade inserted one finger as far as he could. "You ok, baby?" "More... more, oh please don't stop." Phil's hips were humping against Wade's stomach. Wade felt Phil's steely hard dick slide along his. Wade held onto Phil's hips and rolled them so he was on top. Phil's legs automatically wrapped around his waist and pulled Wade down tightly to him. "We need protection, sexy," Wade cautioned, kissing Phil's neck and chin. "Do we have any reason to need it?" Phil questioned, his eyes glassy. "I haven't been with anyone else since we met and tested clean last month. I assume you have too." "I have." Phil grabbed Wade's ass and pulled him tightly down against him. Wade's hard cock slipped between his legs and down past his balls. "I feel you down there. It feels hot," Phil grinned. Wade smiled and rubbed his stomach against Phil's hardness trapped between them. "And you feel wonderful." "Now, Wade. Please?" "Are you sure? It might hurt a little." Phil nodded with complete certainty as Wade rose off him slightly. He lay back and relaxed as he watched Wade apply the lube to his straining member. When Wade leaned forward again, his head was pushing against Phil's entrance. With steady pressure, Wade slowly entered Phil. "Oh God! That feels sooo good," Phil cried. "Does it hurt, baby?" Wade stopped pushing with only the first inches inside. "Only a little. It does feel good." Phil was panting, his skin flushed. "More, put in all of it." Wade leaned down and kissed Phil deeply. Letting his weight and gravity do most of the work he easily slipped fully into Phil. Phil grabbed his shoulders and wrapped his legs tightly around Wade's waist. "Are you ok, Phil?" Wade asked with concern. "Oh... oh..." was all Phil answered. His eyes were shut tight and his breathing was heavy. Wade stroked his cheek and kissed around his mouth until Phil relaxed. "It hurt a lot when you reached the end," Phil finally said. "But it's fine now." "You sure?" Phil nodded and smiled at Wade. "You're fucking me," he said in wonder. Wade smiled and kissed him. Wade pulled out slowly then sank back in. They both gasped in pleasure. After several more thrusts he started an easy gently rhythm. "You feel so warm and tight, baby," Wade panted into Phil's neck. It didn't take too long for either boy to feel the beginnings of their orgasms. Phil felt the familiar building deep inside. "More, Wade. Do it harder." "Uh..." was all Wade said as his hips became more determined. Wade thrust repeatedly into Phil as their groans and cries became louder. He pulled from Phil's lips and looked at him with a funny expression. His eyes rolled up into his head and he came. Phil smirked at Wade's expression then felt him grow stiffer inside him then throb violently. Wade cried out loudly and convulsed on top of Phil. The involuntary jabs of his hips hit Phil's prostate repeatedly and sent him over the edge as well. With a howl, he came between them. It took several minutes before they could see and talk again. Wade carefully pulled out of Phil and lay beside him, holding him in his arms. They kissed sweetly and held each other's hands. "That was better than I ever thought it would be," Wade sighed. "We definitely have to do more of that," Phil agreed. "Yes, and I want you to fuck me too." "You bet." Phil snuggled closer into Wade and kissed his cheek. "I love you so much, Wade." "I love you too, Phil. You know what I'm thinking?" "That you want to do it again?" "No, not that." He paused. "Well, ok, I am thinking that," he laughed. He looked Phil in the eyes growing serious. "Phil, I know you've been so patient with me about us. I really like what we have and I love you." Phil smiled and kissed Wade. "I like what we have too." Wade continued, tracing patterns on Phil's chest with a fingertip. "I know we've both been free to see other people during this. I haven't and I know you haven't either. I really didn't feel the need to. I know what we have is the real thing." He cleared his throat and blinked his eyes a couple of times. "I guess what I'm trying to say is, Phil will you be my boyfriend, nobody else, just you and me?" Phil's smile lit up his face. "Oh, honey. Of course I will. I love you so much." He captured Wade's lips with his own. "Happy birthday, Phil," Wade said softly. "Just one thing..." "Anything." "Please make love to me now. I want you to be the first to fuck me." Phil smiled and rolled them over. ------ So that clinched it. We were now together, exclusive and in love. I didn't doubt his feelings for me for one minute and I knew exactly my feelings for him. That following summer we spent as much time together that we could. I settled for going to school in New York and majored in dance. The rest of my career is history. If you've read all the preceding chapters (and not just skipped to this one) then you'd know that story. Wade and I stuck together through my undergraduate years. It helped having me at his 'home base.' He still traveled alot, but was in New York more than any city other than Orlando. Curse those 'NSync guys! But at least if he was there, I could visit and see everyone and it eventually felt like my third home. One of the guest rooms in Jamie's newly renovated house was permanently named 'Phil's room.' I lovingly renamed it Phil and Wade's room. He stayed there with me as much as anywhere else. So here's where you think I should put in 'they lived happily ever after and rode off into the sunset.' For a long while it seemed like it would be. I graduated from college and joined that traveling dance troop that Wade thought I'd be perfect for. That year was rough as our schedules conflicted more than matched but we remained true to each other. When I took the position as one of Britney's dancers (see chapter 10 for all the dish on that gig), we got to see alot more of each other and our relationship strengthened. Those years were the best of my life. Of course we had our fights and disagreements like any couple, but our love never wavered. There was only one thing I wanted from him. I wanted us to make our connection formal, in the eyes of our friends and family and of God. Yes, God. I've already beaten to death the topic of being gay and religion, so all I'll say is I wanted to get married in a church. See, I really am old fashioned after all. We'd been together for almost 8 years at that point and I finally wanted to get married. What I didn't anticipate in all of this was Wade's whole take on the marriage deal. It seems his parents had gotten married young and had a lousy marriage. Aside from his obvious talents, that was one of the main reasons Wade had immersed himself into his dancing at such an early age. He found a way to get himself away from the abuse and fighting. His views on marriage were cautious, and that's a mild way of putting it. It seems I never learn and you guessed it, I pushed for what I wanted............ ------ Wade looked at Phil evenly. "And what's that supposed to mean?" "Just what it sounded like." "So we do this or else?" "No... well..." "Sounds like you're not too sure. You said, and I quote: 'I want to get married, anything else is not an option.'" Wade took a few steps to the bar and poured a drink. "Sounds like an ultimatum to me." Phil sat heavily onto the couch. "Let's just forget I ever said that, please?" "How can I? You know I love you, Phil, but I don't want that. You knew that from the start." "I know, but I thought you'd change your mind. Don't you like the idea of us being together." "We are together," Wade pointed out. "I don't want anybody but you. We don't need to do that." "Of course we don't -need- to, but I WANT to. Why can't you do this for me, for us? Isn't it about time that I got what I wanted?" Wade looked at Phil in disappointment. "I can't believe you'd say something like that." "Why? It's always -your- career and what -you- need to do and that's been fine with me. Now it's my turn. I reluctantly agreed to that choreo gig just for you." "I knew it!" Wade yelled loudly as he slapped his glass down on the counter. "I knew that in time you'd find a way to hold that decision against me." Phil felt his control slipping as his frustration grew. This wasn't going the way he wanted as their voices grew in volume. "I'm sorry, but I can't help how I feel." "Neither can I." "I want this!" Phil yelled. "If you truly loved me like you say you do then you'd do this for me." "Don't you dare!" Wade yelled back. "Don't you dare question my love for you!" Wade took the few steps over to Phil and met him eye to eye. "I don't want this and you know my reasons. If we are to keep working then you need to get over this." Phil looked away trying not to say what was on the tip of his tongue. He didn't want this to escalate into something that neither could fix. It was a hard fight and he lost it. "Seems to me that it hasn't been working for awhile now." Wade slumped and shook his head. "Are you just saying that to hurt me or do you really think that?" "I don't know anymore." "If that's the way you want it." Wade left the room and came back a moment later with a shoulder bag. Phil watched him panicked. "I leave for my flight in a few hours, you don't need to go anywhere. Please stay with me?" Wade shook his head and stopped at the door. "It's up to you now." "That's where you're wrong." Wade looked at Phil in surprise. "You know what I want and need. It's up to you to decide if you want the same thing." "I'm sorry, I can't." "If you walk out that door, then I guess you're telling me it's over." "Goodbye, Phil." The door closed with a hollow thud leaving Phil in tears. "Wade..." he cried into the empty room. ------ So that ends the fairy tale. We haven't spoken, except for a polite nod at awards shows. Every time I see him I want to throw myself at him a beg him to take me back, but some small shred of pride stops me. Jamie says he sees a sadness in his eyes whenever they talk and he knows that Wade has never had another boyfriend. I've dated occasionally, but nobody even comes close to measuring up to him. I guess I'm still waiting for that one person. I thought I had him, but I was wrong. ------ "Uncle Phil?" The voice of his 13 year old nephew broke Phil out of the thoughts and memories he had slumped into while reading the chapter. With a smile he put down the book and glanced at the title: 'Dance: A boy's life of movement'. "Ya, sport?" "Everyone's here finally and Dad mentioned that he wanted to start." "Ok, let me use the bathroom and I'll be right down." Phil paused. "Um, Chuckie?" "Ya?" Phil crossed the room and gave the boy a hug. "I don't know if I've ever said this enough or not, but I love you and I'm very proud of you." The boy blushed and smiled. "Thanks, Uncle Phil." "Now get out there and enjoy your graduation party, ok?" "It's only Junior High." The boy's tone took on that pleading edge that asked adults to stop making such a big deal out of everything. Phil laughed. "You think you'd remember that in this family we celebrate everything. Tell my control freak brother to relax and I'll be right down." After another hug, Phil was once again alone. With a sigh he went into the bathroom and splashed water in his face. When he came out, Jamie was in the room holding the book. "Are you ok?" "Ya, Sonny." He looked Jamie in the eyes. Jamie pulled him into a hug. "That's a lie." Phil held onto Jamie as tears came to his eyes. "Why?" he choked out. "Why can't I just move on?" Jamie sighed sadly. "If you keep reading that chapter you'll never move on." He threw the book on the bed. "It makes me feel a little better when it gets to be too much." "Come with me, I have something for you." He released Phil and took his hand. Leading him down the backstairs, he ignored all of Phil's questions. They stopped in front of the home studio door and Jamie knocked. The door cracked open and Justin poked his head out. When he saw who it was he smiled and joined them, pulling the door shut behind him quickly. "Hi, Phil," he said giving his brother-in-law a big hug. "You just get home, Stick?" Justin nodded. "Ya, I had to go fetch something." Phil turned to Jamie. "Ok, what did you want to show me." "It's in that room," Jamie pointed out. "We'll be in the backyard." Jamie and Justin took turns kissing Phil on the forehead before walking down the hall, then outdoors. Phil watched them go then slowly opened the door and entered the small studio. Movement from one corner made him turn. "Wade?" He shook his head in disbelief. "Philly," Wade greeted him. "It's been a long time. You look good." "And you look fantastic." Phil turned and leaned against the wall. "It's been almost 6 years." "I've never hated anything more than leaving that day," Wade said regretfully. "I did go back later but I just missed you." "You went back for me?" Phil asked sadly. "I had to leave to go back to LA. Why didn't you call or say anything in all this time?" Wade sat on a nearby stool. "I didn't think you'd want to see me after..." Wade sighed and rubbed his eyes. "I hoped and hoped that you'd call. I should have myself, but I was being stupid." Wade made to interrupt. "No, I told you that it was up to you but my pride wouldn't let me call even though I wanted to. I had no right to make demands of you like that." "That's where you're wrong. You had every right and I should've been more sympathetic to how you were feeling. But to be honest I was scared, Phil. It's stupid, I know. Even after all the time that we'd been together I was scared of that final commitment." Phil sighed. Teary-eyed the two came together, hesitated for just a second and hugged. "I'm sorry I kept pushing you, Wade." Wade smiled and shook his head. "No, you were protecting yourself. I'm sorry that I caused you so much pain. It killed me that I broke the promise that I wouldn't hurt you." Wade stared deeply into Phil's watery eyes and brushed his fingers along Phil's cheek making him shiver. "I've missed you so much." "You have?" "Ya. Listen, I'm not gonna beat around the bush. I haven't been with anybody since we broke up. I've missed you so much that you're all I can think of. " "I've missed you too and a hermit has nothing on me." "When I bumped into Justin the other day he mentioned this party and said I should come down to talk to you." "My guess is that your bumping into Justin wasn't accidental." Wade nodded. "I got that impression too, but I wanted to come to see if there was anything left for us after all this time. I guess I'm asking if we can we start over." "I don't want to start over." The disappointment in Wade's eyes was clear. "I want to continue from where we left off, if you do." "I do." Wade kissed Phil passionately. "I love you so much. I have something to ask you." "I love you, too," Phil answered with another kiss. "You can ask me anything." "Phil, I know we've had our troubles and maybe this isn't the best time to ask this, but..." Wade got down on one knee and looked up at Phil expectantly. "Phil, will you marry me?" The emotions swallowed Phil whole and fresh tears poured down his face. Wade waited through his silence, his uncertain smile slowly fading. Phil took a deep breath and wiped his cheeks. "Yes!" The End Liked it? Hated it? Let me know.... Jim bangoremail1@yahoo.com