Date: Sat, 25 May 2002 18:24:16 -0400 From: Writer Boy Subject: jc's hitchhiker - part 103 Obligatory warnings and disclaimers: 1) If reading this is in any way illegal where you are or at your age, or you don't want to read about male/male relationships, go away. You shouldn't be here. 2) I don't know any of the celebrities in this story, and this story in no way is meant to imply anything about their sexualities, personalities, or anything else. This is a work of pure fiction. Questions and commentary can be sent to "writerboy69@hotmail.com". I enjoy constructive criticism, praise, and rational discussion. I do not enjoy flames, and will not tolerate them. Back to the story in progress. ***Jack*** Despite falling asleep exhausted, satiated, and contented, I tossed and turned all night, sleeping only in fits and starts, waking up more than once. I felt Josh shifting against me each time, but I wasn't sure if he was fully awake. I worried that I might be disturbing him, so I finally tried to slide gently away from him, moving over to my own side of the bed to at least let him get a good night's sleep. When I did, though, his hand slid out, gently grasping my shoulder. "Jack?" he asked softly, holding on to me. "Josh, I'm sorry," I whispered. "Please, go back to sleep." "Not without you," he said softly, pulling gently at my shoulder. I rolled over, facing him, but there was still a little space between us. His hand drifted from my shoulder to the side of my face, stroking my cheek, and I sighed, pressing my face against his caress. "What's wrong? Is it nightmares?" "No, Josh, it's not that again," I answered. I sighed, but I didn't want to keep anything from Josh. He just wanted to help me. "I can't sleep because I'm nervous." "About flying out tomorrow?" he asked, understanding immediately. His feather light fingers rested on the side of my face, down at my jawline. "Kind of, mostly," I answered. "Josh, I'm afraid. I'm scared, and I don't like to feel this way." "Jack, it's ok to be afraid," Josh said, pulling gently at me. He never tugged, never forced me to come closer. He always pulled just lightly enough to let me know I was wanted, but also to let me know it was my choice. I slid over, my bare legs brushing his, and I laid my head on his chest, feeling him cradle me tightly. "There's nothing wrong with the way you feel. It's natural, and I'm here for you. This is a big step, an important one, and it's ok to be a little scared." "I know," I sighed, my hand on his shoulder, gently rubbing his velvet soft skin. He kept smoothing his fingers over the side of my face, and I stared across the pillows into his blue eyes, watching them reach out for me. "Josh, I just, I feel kind of stupid, like at the first day of school or something." "What do you mean?" he asked, not smiling, just continuing to hold me. "What if they don't like me?" I asked, my voice shaking a little. I hadn't realized I was this upset and afraid, but as soon as I said it out loud my eyes began to water a little. Josh's face melted as my eyes stung, and I saw his eyebrows sliding together, his forehead creasing with concern. His arms flexed as he pulled me tightly against him, and we lay front to front as he ran his hands in circles over my back. "Jack, it's ok," he whispered, holding me. "It's not stupid to feel that way, Jack. It's not stupid at all. You're going to meet these people for the first time, and you don't know anything about them. It's natural for you to be nervous, and unsure, and even afraid. You don't have to feel stupid because you feel like that. And why wouldn't they like you, Jack? Everyone likes you." "Andrew doesn't like me," I said stubbornly, even though I could see his point. I felt Josh's breath on my neck as he chuckled against me. He leaned back a little, and we were nose to nose, staring into each other's eyes. "Andrew doesn't like anyone," Josh said, smiling. I smiled, too. "Now Jack, seriously, why would they not like you? You're a good person, you're damn cute, and you're successful. You've gone to college, and you've made your own way in the world. You're bright and funny and perfect, and any family would be happy to meet you." "But I'm not perfect, Josh," I said quietly. I didn't want to say anything that would hurt him, but I couldn't pretend there wasn't an issue. "I'm gay. I'm going to show up at their door, you know, 'Hey, I'm your son,' and I'm this big, famous fag. I mean, you and I are going to find them together on our honeymoon, after our wedding that's probably been in every tabloid by the cash register at their grocery store, and I'm not exactly every mother's dream. What if they're really religious? Or what if they just don't like gay people? I mean, we have no idea why they didn't want me. They might not be happy seeing me come crawling up the sidewalk as it is, and to have this, too? That's what I'm afraid of, Josh. That's why I'm scared. What if they don't want me, don't want anything to do with me, because I'm gay?" Josh stiffened a little against me, his body tensing, and I watched his face shift. I'd caught him off guard, I could tell, but that was the heart of it. That was the root of my fear and nervousness, and I needed to say it, even if it did upset him. Josh swallowed, and as he looked at me I could tell that my words had stung him, whether I meant them to or not. I kept my arms around him, still holding him, but I noticed that his hands had stopped moving. When he finally spoke his voice was softer, but I couldn't read the feeling in it. "Jack, are you ashamed of me?" he asked finally. "No, Josh, no," I answered quickly, holding him. I felt my eyes watering again as I realized how he had taken it. "No, Josh, I love you. I could never, ever be ashamed of that, or of you. Never. I didn't mean that when I said that, Josh." "Then you're ashamed of yourself?" Josh asked. "You're ashamed of being gay?" "No!" I blurted. I smiled, and watched as he did as well. "Josh, I can tell what you're trying to do, but that's not what I'm trying to say. I'm gay, and that's who I am. You and I love each other, and you are my husband. Even if it's not legal, and was just a generic ceremony for show, it means something to me, more than anything else. I'm not ashamed of that, and I never will be." "I know," he said. "I just needed you to say it out loud, because you needed to hear it. Jack, if you're ok with who we are, why are you afraid they won't be?" "Because I don't know them," I answered. "I don't know anything about them. I don't know why they gave me up, or if they wanted to. I don't know if they ever think about me, or if they ever wonder what happened to me. I'm willing to bet, though, that if they do, they don't sit there and go, 'Wow, I hope he's gay.'" "But Jack, there isn't anything you can do about that," Josh said, holding me tightly to him. I felt his chest bunching, touching mine. "If you want them to love you, you want them to do it for who you are, and that's part of you. It's not the only part, but you're right when you say it's something they may see, because they might recognize you. You can't be afraid of that, though. You can't let that fear keep you from finding out about yourself, and knowing where you came from." "But that's easy for you to say," I argued. I knew he was trying to help, trying to boost me up with this pep talk, but I wasn't going for it. He might understand how I felt, but he couldn't feel the same way, not Josh. "You can tell me to face my fear and be strong, but it's because you're never afraid." "What?" he asked softly, disbelieving. "You're never afraid of anything, Josh," I said. "And you're always so brave, so strong. I wake up, and I'm a mess, and you're always right there, always ok. You're always offering yourself up for me to lean on, always comforting me, but you never need it. You never deal with fear like this." "Is that really what you think?" Josh asked, watching me. I nodded. "Jack, it only looks like that because I don't tell you what I'm afraid of. I'm strong, because you need me to be, but Jack, sometimes I'm terrified." "You?" I asked, stunned. Josh couldn't be afraid, not really. He was too strong. I knew that he had all the little fears that everyone does, but what could possibly leave him terrified? I should have known the answer, but sometimes I'm stupid enough to have to ask. "Josh, what are you terrified of?" "Losing you," he answered, without hesitating. "Jack, when Basil took you, it happened so fast. I turned around, and you were gone, and now, every time you leave the room, every time I'm somewhere and you're not, I wonder if I'm ever going to see you again. I wonder if you're going to come back, or if something's going to happen to you. I wonder if the last thing I said to you before you left are the last words you're ever going to hear from me. The night before the wedding, when Carla made us split up, I barely slept all night, because I was so afraid that you weren't ok, or that you would have a nightmare or an attack, that you would need me, and that I wouldn't be there." "Oh, Josh," I said, laying my head on his shoulder. He rolled a little, onto his back, and I slid down onto his chest, pressing my cheek to his firm, meaty pec. He ran his fingers through my hair, holding onto me with his other arm thrown around me. "And I know it's stupid," he said, his chest vibrating under my cheek as he spoke. I tried not to move too much, knowing my whiskers might scratch him, but he didn't seem to mind. "I know that we can't be together every second of every day, and that's not a healthy way to live. But I'm still scared, Jack. I deal with it, but sometimes I see you walking away, and I'm afraid that it's the last time I'll ever see you. I'm worried that you'll be hurt, or someone will hurt you, that there'll be an accident or something. Or, well, never mind." "No, Josh, please," I said. "I told you everything. Please, Josh, please let me help you. Tell me all of it." "I'm scared that you'll leave me," Josh said quietly. I froze against him. "Jack, I'm not saying this to hurt you." "I know," I answered. "I know you'd never do that, and I would never hurt you, either, Josh. I'm a part of you. You're a part of me. I could never leave you, Josh, never. Since the day we met you've been inside me." "I know," he said, stroking my shoulder. The room was very dark, and I couldn't see his face with my head below it on his chest. The two of us pulled tightly against each other, defending ourselves from the very idea of being separated. Physically, the idea of being apart from each other wasn't anything monstrous or frightening, but the idea that Josh and I might break up, that we wouldn't be a couple, that somehow our love would end, scared us both. "But it's what I'm afraid of. When Basil took you, and it looked like you left me, I couldn't think, Jack. I shut down completely, because you leaving me is what I'm most afraid of." "But Josh, why would I do that?" I asked, curious. "Have I ever done anything to make you think I would? Please, Josh, even if you think it will hurt me, please tell me if I have, so that I can make sure I don't do that anymore." "No, no, baby," he said, kissing me on the forehead. "It's not anything you did. It's just something I've been afraid of since the minute I asked you if we could be together. I was so scared that you would say no. I mean, Jack, you're the only guy I've ever been with. You're the only man I've ever loved. I mean, there was Justin, but I didn't love him like I love you. You're the only man I've ever loved like this, but I was worried that you wouldn't want someone so, I don't know, so inexperienced." "But Josh, that doesn't matter to me," I said. "It doesn't matter how many guys I dated before you, and how many you didn't. I love you, and that's what matters to me." "But there's so much you've done that I haven't," he said. "So many things I don't know, or haven't done." "And we do them together, Josh," I said, comforting him. Josh and I had talked about this once, very early in our relationship, and since it hadn't come up again I had thought he was over it. "Josh, when you and I do something together, try something or go somewhere, it doesn't matter if I've done it before, because it's the first time I've done it with you." I slid up his chest so that I lay next to him, on my side, with my arm thrown across him and my hand resting on his shoulder. I kissed him on the cheek, and he turned, bringing his lips to mine. "That's what matters to me, Josh," I repeated. "That's what I care about." "I know," he said, cradling me against him. "And I don't worry about this all the time. I just, well, sometimes it hits me, and I worry that you'll find someone older, or someone with more experience. I worry that you'll find someone, I don't know, better, and that you'll leave me." "Josh, I worry about that, too," I said finally. "There are days when I can't imagine why you would want to be with me, why you haven't found someone cuter, or more like you, or even just someone who doesn't have so many issues. I know it can't be easy to love me, Josh, with the nightmares and the panic attacks, and all the other little quirks I had even before those, and I worry that someday I'll just be too much trouble, and you'll toss in the towel and go find someone else." "No, Jack, no," Josh said, rubbing my back as he pressed me against him. He was so warm and soft, but firm underneath. Our legs were brushing against each other, and I felt completely safe and comfortable. "I can't imagine ever loving someone the way I love you. I never did before you, and I never will again. There isn't anyone else for me, Jack, no one who's going to be so smart, and funny, and special." "There isn't for me, either, Josh," I said, kissing his chest softly. I felt his heart beating under my lips as they brushed the smooth rise of his muscle. I pulled back up, wanting to be sure to look him in the eye, so that he'd be able to see how serious I was. "Josh, before, when I said that Kevin was cute, you looked upset. Was it because of this? Were you worried that I might like Kevin that way?" Josh blinked and looked away, swallowing. I could tell by the way that his face shifted that I was right. "Yeah," he answered finally. "And I know it's stupid. I know you're not going to leave me for Kevin, but like I said, I just worry sometimes. It caught me a little off guard, I guess. I'm sorry for getting upset over something so stupid." "It's not stupid, Josh," I said, leaning in to kiss him. I felt his nose brush across my cheek, and then I kissed him, gently, on the mouth. His lips pressed against mine, and then our heads slid apart a little. "If you're going to keep telling me it's ok for me to be afraid, well, it's ok for you, too. If I do something that bothers you, Josh, please tell me. Don't wait for me to read it in your face and figure out that I did something wrong. Don't let it build up in between us, ok?" Josh smiled. "OK," he said. He leaned in and kissed me this time, his lips sliding over mine, feather light. "And you're right. Kevin is kind of cute. You know, for someone who's closer to, um, to your age and all." "Closer to my age?" I laughed, watching him grin. "I'm only a year older than you!" I began to tickle him, refusing to stop, as he convulsed beneath me on the bed, slapping at my hands as they scrabbled up and down his sides. Both of us were laughing now, Josh begging me to stop as I refused to until he apologized. He caught one of my wrists, and then the other, and pulled me against him as he smothered my face with kisses, big wet sloppy ones. I laughed beneath him and we finally ended up just lying against each other again, sharing a pillow, the seriousness of the mood broken. Josh kissed me on the forehead and pulled me tightly against him, laying his whole body against mine, touching as much of our skin together as he could. "I'm sorry I said you were as old as Kevin," he whispered, both of us still trying to catch our breath. "But I'm glad we talked." "Me, too," I sighed, loving the feeling of his arms wrapped around me, his biceps bulging a little, the hair on his forearms tangling with the hair on mine. "Think you can sleep now?" he asked, quietly, kissing the back of my neck. "I think so," I answered. "I love you, Josh." "And I love you," he answered, holding me, his chest against my back, his thighs behind mine. "And Jack, whatever happens, whatever we find out, you still have a family. You and I are a family, together." "And we always will be," I said, yawning. "I guess I'm being silly, too. I can't change what they're going to think, and there's no point in worrying about it when I don't know. I'm building up all these things in my mind, when really they could tell us anything, and there's no way for us to know how they're going to react to anything." "It's ok to be worried, and nervous, and even afraid," Josh said, yawning as well. "Just remember that you're not alone." "Thank you, Josh," I said, snuggling back against him. "Let's go to sleep." When the alarm buzzed us awake a few hours later, we were still laying like that, pressed against each other. Josh's arms tightened around me as he yawned awake, and he nuzzled his nose against the back of my neck, fighting against full consciousness. "Babe, it's time to get up," I said, stroking his forearms as they wrapped around me. "Come on." "No," he mumbled. "No awake." I smiled, feeling his lips squashing against me, his nose pressing into my back. I could imagine him back there, his hair messy, trying not to open his eyes. When Josh woke up before me, it was always a mystery to me how he managed to do it, because the mornings when I got up first always left me struggling to get him out of bed on time. Unless, of course, I screamed us both awake, but I was trying to think only of normal mornings. Josh craved sleep like a heroin addict dreaming of the next high, and he would hold onto it as long as possible. I chuckled, and decided to let him rest, rather than forcing him to get up with me. "Josh, I'm going to get in the shower, ok?" I said, gently removing his arms from me. He pulled the sheet around himself, drawing it in like a flower closing up at night, the folds bunching and wrinkling together around his head as he scrunched into a little ball, burying his face under a pillow. "I'll wake you when I'm done, ok?" "Yeah," he muttered softly. All I could see in the cotton rosette was a lock of brown hair. When I finished showering, and had combed my hair and shaved, I went back to the bedroom and tugged the sheets off of him, watching them slide down his muscled body as he hid his head under his arm like a little kid. It was ludicrous watching him hide his face in a pillow while he flashed me his firm, bare ass, and I had to giggle. I leaned down over his back and blew softly on his shoulder blades, watching him shudder. Running a fingertip up his spine, just barely touching him, I leaned down to breath into his ear. "Rise and shine," I whispered, blowing on his earlobe. His eyes peered out from behind his arm, glittering blue as he blinked them open. "You did that on purpose," he whispered. "Just to give me a hard on." "Damn right," I said in a teasing singsong voice. "Now get up. We have breakfast with Andrew and a plane to catch." "But what am I going to do with this?" Josh asked, rolling over. I smiled, watching him turn. He was completely naked, his golden body glowing against the sheets, tanned to a warm graham cracker brown. His nipples, half hard, pouted on his chest, capping his curving pecs like sprinkles on an ice cream cone. His cock stood out from the crease of his strong thighs, pointing toward the ceiling like a spike, throbbing and twitching a little from the movement of rolling over. It was hard, the tracery of veins running up and down his shaft throbbing softly, the head, the same shade as his nipples, full and ready, a sparkling bead of precum leaking from the slit. Josh grinned at me, his smile wide and his face bright, and he tucked his hands behind his head, arms folded so the muscles bulged, the act of raising them pulling his abs tight and flattening his pecs into wings of muscle instead of smooth curves. "I might be able to help with that," I said, my mouth watering as I looked at him lying there, a tanned pile of pure sexual energy. I walked toward the bed, watching him watch me, our eyes linked. When my knees hit the bed, I climbed on, crawling slowly up the bed as Josh lay back, watching me. My towel slid off as I slid up his body, raised on my hands and knees, stopping when my head was just above his cock. I leaned forward, still watching him, and flicked my tongue out, spearing up that one salty drop of precum. I smeared my tongue over my bottom lip, grinning, and then slid it out again, running it around the ridge of his cockhead. He kept his casual pose, his arms still folded, but his face betrayed him, his mouth dropping open as his eyes squeezed a little, his eyebrows wrinkling a little. "Unh," he sighed sharply, his pitch high, like the kind of noise he might yelp during a song. His eyes, fighting to stay open, slid closed for a second as I ran my tongue along his slit again, parting it a little, pushing the tip of my tongue inside of him. He tasted a little salty, and was also slick. His cock jumped against my mouth as I began to lap at his shaft, tracing the thick tube on the underside. I finally brought my lips down, and began to kiss my way up and down his cock, listening to him sigh and moan, watching his body flex as he shifted a little. He sounded so sexy as I teased him with my tongue, caressing him with it, probing him as I tasted and felt him with it. He was making these little whines, sounding so young and so tightly urgent that I knew I couldn't keep toying with him like this. We really didn't have much time to prolong it anyway, as he still needed to shower, so the next time I licked my way up him I pursed my lips together and kissed the head of his cock. His hips lifted a little as the head throbbed against my tight mouth, and I folded my lips down over it, enveloping him, pulling him inside. "Oh, Jack," he groaned, finally dropping his hands down from behind his head to catch them in my hair. Josh gently massaged my scalp as I used my tongue to press his cock against the roof of my mouth, keeping it tightly pinned in the wet tunnel I was creating. I sucked my cheeks in, keeping them in a silken embrace on either side of him as I bobbed up and down on his cock, washing it over with my saliva. I was going slowly at first, my hands resting on his firm, sparsely haired thighs, lightly kneading them, but I began to bob faster, sucking a little harder, guided by his groans and sighs of pleasure. Each time I buried my face fully in his pubes, down to the root of his cock, his fingers tensed, flexing in my hair, his fingertips holding my skull. My fingers drifted up from his thighs to caress his balls, rolling them in the tightening skin of his sac, feeling how large and full they were, tugging at them a little, and he began to groan louder, the pitch climbing even higher. Finally he tensed beneath me, his body locking up, his hands pulling me down involuntarily, forcing my head in a way that he never would when he was in control, and his cock jerked against my tongue as he blasted his hot, salty cum into my throat. When he finally let go, gasping, I pulled off of him, letting his cock slide out of my mouth as I sucked it clean, not touching him too much with my tongue because I knew he would be hypersensitive at that moment. I grinned at him, watching his eyes slide open again in his flushed, relaxed face, and I crawled backward off the bed, walking over to the dresser to get my clothes. "I love you," he said from behind me, bending a little to kiss me right between my shoulders. "I love you, too," I answered. "Now go shower." "But what about you?" he asked, glancing back at my crotch, where my own hard cock pushed against the terry cloth towel. "There's time for me later," I sighed. He turned, walking slowly, and I untied the towel and snapped him across the ass with it, giggling as I saw him jump. "Hurry up!" "Ow!" he yelped, scurrying out of range as he rubbed his ass. "That stings! Bastard." "We won't know that for sure until we talk to my mom," I laughed, stepping into my boxers. "Now hurry up!" "Jack?" Josh asked, pausing in the bathroom doorway. I looked over, and saw that he looked a little tentative. "Everything we talked about last night, are you ok with it?" "Yeah, I'm ok," I answered, smiling a little to show him. "I'm glad we talked." "Me too," he said, smiling in relief. "Are you ok?" I asked, hoping. I had woken up this morning feeling like everything was settled between us, and that it had been good to let all of that out, but I wanted to make sure. "Yeah, yeah, I am," Josh answered. "I'm going to shower now, Jack. I love you." "I love you, too," I answered, going back to getting dressed. When Josh finished in the shower, he got ready and dressed while I called Andrew to tell him to meet us in the restaurant downstairs. Josh finished packing up his bag, and we walked down in our matching gift shop t-shirts, hand in hand, both pretty relaxed and happy after the evening and morning's activities. We met Andrew in the restaurant, sliding into our seats as I silently noticed that he had taken a table near the side exit, against the wall, where he could see the entire room. "Morning," I grumbled, still a little irked at him for reaming us out last night. Josh did the same as we motioned the waitress over, and I held up my cup so she would know to bring the coffee pot. "Good morning," Andrew said, watching her approach through narrowed eyes, as if he thought she might splash us with the coffee. Josh asked her for some hot water and an herbal tea, and the two of us ordered bagels and cream cheese before she drifted away. Andrew watched her leave, and then turned back to us. "What is it with you two and the matching outfits? I'm just wondering." "Jack and I are together," Josh answered as I smothered a giggle. "We're one unit. I want us to look like it." "No need to get defensive," Andrew said, holding up his hands. "I was just wondering. Are you two still pissed about last night?" "Are you?" I asked back. At least he cut right to the chase. Josh sighed. "No, but I think we still need to talk about it," Andrew said. "We're about to go back on the road, and we need to have whatever this issue is with you two worked out before we have the same problem again." "OK, I don't think we need to phrase it like that, for starters," Josh said, pressing his teabag down into the cup with his spoon. "Jack and I have a valid need for space, and unfortunately it's ramming right into your valid need to protect us. I thought about this last night, and again this morning, and I have a few ideas. You're right. We do need to talk about this before we get on the plane, because the next part of our trip is too important to Jack and I to have anything come up that might interfere with it." "So what did you come up with?" Andrew asked, crossing his arms. Oh, yeah, that looked open and willing to listen. I sat back and waited, letting Josh take this over since he hired Andrew and he had more experience dealing with bodyguards than I did. "I need to explain a little first, but I don't want to do it without Jack's permission," Josh said, settling his hand down over mine. He looked at me, his eyes and face telling me that I could say no, and that it was all up to me. I nodded, giving his hand a squeeze. "Andrew, Jack found out recently that he, um, that he's adopted. The reason we're going to Colorado is to look for his birth family, and to see if we can find anything out about them and where Jack came from. The reason I'm telling you this is that this is probably going to be kind of stressful for Jack, which means it will be for me, too." "I understand that, and I'll try not to add to your stress," Andrew said. "But I do need to know if you'll be doing anything that puts you at risk." Josh shook his head. "I don't think you're getting me," he said. "Jack and I are going to need space on this trip, Andrew. We might find things out that are upsetting, and we might need to vent that, to cool off or go somewhere to think. We're going to need each other to get through it, and it's hard for us to lean on each other when we have you looking right over our shoulder." "JC, I hear what you're saying, but I'm under an obligation to Johnny and the rest of your team, and to you guys, as well," Andrew said. "And you can fulfill that obligation just as well from a distance," Josh said firmly. "I'm not saying we want you to wait in the car, or that we're going to run all over town without you, but there are going to be times on this trip when we tell you to back off, and I, and Jack, need you to just do it, no questions asked, ok?" Andrew sighed in resignation. "I guess I don't really have a choice, do I?" he asked, frowning. "Yes, you do," Josh said, shrugging. "If you can't agree to let us set the boundaries, and to give us a little room when we need it, unless there is an overwhelming and obvious security issue, we can always switch to a more accommodating bodyguard. If you stay, are we going to have to have this discussion again?" "No, we won't," Andrew said, his voice firm. He smiled at us, but it didn't touch his eyes. Josh didn't seem to notice, but I felt a little chill. I wished again that Andrew wasn't so hard for me to read, wasn't always so cold and blunt all the time. It was too hard to tell if he really agreed with us, or if he was just placating us and biding his time. I wasn't sure what he could possibly be biding his time for, but I still felt a little twinge of unease. *** To be continued.