Date: Tue, 27 Aug 2002 16:07:44 -0400 From: Writer Boy Subject: jc's hitchhiker - part 122 Obligatory warnings and disclaimers: 1) If reading this is in any way illegal where you are or at your age, or you don't want to read about male/male relationships, go away. You shouldn't be here. 2) I don't know any of the celebrities in this story, and this story in no way is meant to imply anything about their sexualities, personalities, or anything else. This is a work of pure fiction. Questions and commentary can be sent to "writerboy69@hotmail.com". I enjoy constructive criticism, praise, and rational discussion. I do not enjoy flames, and will not tolerate them. That said, on with Season 7. ***Joey*** Joey rounded the corner from the ice machine, carrying his bucket, and wondering why the freezer in the minibar refrigerator didn't come with an ice tray of its own. He knew it was bad form to start the morning with a can of soda, but no one was around to lecture him on nutrition, and he fully intended to eat breakfast later with Chris and JC, as they attempted once again to cheer JC up. Every time Jack left for a day or two JC just moped around with his head down, waiting until he came back again, and Chris and Joey did their best every time to cheer him up. For now, though, Joey was pretty sure no one was even awake, since it was so early. He slowed down a little, though, as he saw a hotel worker standing in front of one of the doors with a room service cart, arguing. Joey thought for a second, and realized that it was Justin's room. It felt foreign to even think about Justin having a suite of his own, after the way the rest of the tour had gone, with him sharing with Lance the whole time, but suddenly last night when they had arrived Justin had calmly checked into his own suite, leaving Lance in the lobby with a look of confusion on his face. Joey wanted to ask him what was wrong, but figured it wasn't worth bothering, since Lance would probably just yell at him and push him away again, and the way Lance treated JC seemed to bear it out. After they watched Lance watching Justin board the elevator, JC asked Lance if he was ok, and Lance turned on him, snapping. "I'm fine, ok?" Lance barked. "I don't need you guys hovering over me all the time, ok? Just back off." Lance stalked away from them as JC stood looking stricken, and when Chris and Joey tried to invite him to dinner he just brushed them off, saying that he wanted to sleep and be alone. Joey had hoped that might be the end of their problems for this stop on the tour, but now here he was in the hallway, listening to a very confused employee argue with Justin through the door. Justin, as usual lately, sounded like he was crying, about to cry, or just finished crying. "Sir, I have your breakfast," the employee repeated slowly, as if he thought Justin didn't understand. "I can bring it in for you." "Please, just leave it in the hall," Justin pled. "Please, I'm sorry. Please just leave it there." "I can leave it here if that's what you'd prefer," the poor guy began again, trying his best not to look flustered. "I just need someone to sign for it." "Please just leave it there!" Justin said, and Joey could tell that he was upset. Justin was usually pretty polite to everyone, especially strangers. They'd all had it drummed into them enough times that the slightest unpleasantry between them and, well, anyone could end up in the papers. "I'll sign for it," Joey said quickly, walking up to the guy, who smiled gratefully. Joey took the pad and signed for breakfast, adding a generous tip, and waited until the guy was gone before he tapped at Justin's door. "Justin, it's Joey. Are you ok?" "No," Justin answered quietly. Joey could barely hear him through the door. "Justin, that guy's gone, and your breakfast is out here getting cold," Joey said. "Could you open the door, please?" "There's nobody?" Justin asked. "Just me and Rich," Joey said, nodding toward the bodyguard sitting by the elevators, reading his paper. "OK," Justin said, and Joey heard the sound of the chains and locks being released. Joey locked his own door at night, but not with every single one. The door opened just wide enough for Joey to push the little cart in, and he noticed that all of the curtains were closed, the suite room dark and shadowed. There was a blanket crumpled on the couch, as if Justin had slept there, and one pillow. Joey jumped as the door clicked loudly behind him, and when he turned around he saw Justin relocking it, turning the bolt and fastening the chain. Justin looked away from the door, and when he finally looked up at Joey his eyes glistened in the half lit room. Joey fought the urge to gasp in surprise, not wanting to do anything to startle Justin, whose hands were shaking, but Justin looked like hell. The circles under his eyes were so dark he looked as if he'd been punched, and he was almost cringing. "Justin?" Joey asked. He knew that Justin was still a little shaky and unsure around him, even if he had hugged him, and he didn't want to upset him. "Do you want me to leave?" Justin seemed to fight to find an answer. Joey watched him, unsure of what to do or how to help, as Justin swallowed, his jaw working. "I don't know," Justin answered finally. He took a tentative step toward Joey, his hands still shaking, and Joey stayed completely still. "I just, I." Justin's hands, shaking like leaves now, settled onto Joey's shoulders, and Justin looked at him, trying to catch his breath. Finally Justin just grabbed him, lightly at first, and when he felt Joey's arms close around him, crushing him against Joey's chest, Justin let out a squeaking sigh of relief, slumping against Joey. Joey wasn't sure what was going on, but Justin seemed to need a hug, and as Justin slumped against him Joey began to guide him to the couch. Justin hadn't looked great yesterday, but today he looked like hell, and Joey wondered what could have happened in the space of one night. Justin, not crying, just held onto Joey, taking comfort in not being alone. Joey pulled the cart over, and tilted Justin's head up with one finger under his chin. "Justin, eat your breakfast, ok?" Joey whispered. "Let's get some food into you, and then we'll talk, ok?" "OK," Justin said quietly. "Please don't leave?" "I'll sit right here if you need me to," Joey said, wondering if there was enough for them to share. Now that he smelled it he was really hungry. "Can I have some toast?" "Sure," Justin answered, pushing the cart toward Joey a little. Joey wondered if he had to sit quite so close to Justin, but when he started to move away Justin slid closer to him, so he stayed where he was. Justin ate like he was starved, and Joey wondered if he had eaten dinner the night before. "Justin, did you sleep out here on the couch?" Joey asked, watching Justin chew. Justin shook his head, looking away, and Joey thought about flicking on a light. It was a lot easier for Justin to be evasive in the shadowy atmosphere he had created. How did Lance deal with him when he was like this? It was like Justin was at war with himself. He needed to be around people, if the way he'd latched onto Joey was any indication, so why on earth was he locked in here by himself? "No, you didn't sleep on the couch?" "No," Justin answered, shaking his head, as he continued eating. He was slowly working his way from one end of the cart to the other. "Did you sleep in the bed?" Joey asked, glancing into the bedroom. The angle was wrong, and he couldn't tell if the sheets were crumpled or not. Justin shook his head again and Joey sighed in exasperation, wishing any of the other guys were here. They were all so much better at this stuff. "Justin, did you sleep at all?" "No," Justin whispered, looking away. Joey realized that tears had started to slide down Justin's face, and he wrapped an arm around Justin's shoulders. "I wanted to, but I was, I got scared, and I had a bad dream. I dreamed about, about him, and I, I was scared to go back to sleep, and Lance wasn't here, and I didn't know what to do, and I was scared." "Justin," Joey said, rocking him a little. What the hell was he supposed to say to that? He glanced at the clock and saw that they had sound checks in seven hours, and decided to address priorities. He took Justin's shoulders, feeling them tremble, and stood slowly, letting Justin get up with him. "Come on. I want you to go to bed, ok? You can't go on tonight without any sleep, Justin." "No, I can't," Justin protested weakly. Joey wasn't really going to take no for an answer, and kept walking him to the bedroom. "I'll sit with you the entire time," Joey said firmly. "I'll make sure no one comes in, ok?" Justin blinked at him, looking confused. Lance didn't treat him like this, and neither did Chris, or JC. They were all so careful, but Joey was so firm, so matter of fact. Justin didn't feel like he could argue with him. "Will you, I sleep better if, I, will you hold onto me, Joey?" Justin asked tentatively, cringing a little, waiting for Joey to say no. He knew that Joey didn't really hate him, but he'd been so mean to Joey, pushed him away so much, that he didn't know if Joey would want to. "OK," Joey said, nodding. Justin lay down on the bed, pulling the sheet back, and then Joey pulled it up over him and lay down on top of it, shoes and all. He didn't know what else to do, and was afraid of doing anything to hurt Justin, or scare him, so he just waited until Justin took his arms and pulled them around himself, spooning back against Joey. Joey reached over Justin to set the alarm clock, in case he fell asleep, too, and then just waited, cradling Justin tightly, feeling his heart pounding against Joey's chest through the many layers of shirts and sheets between them. Joey hadn't realized the enormity of Justin's situation before this, because he'd been kept away, and hadn't known that Justin spent so much of his time in fear. He'd done a lot of reading in the past couple of months about rape, and the symptoms that victims might show, but he didn't realize it could be this bad. They should have brought Justin's counselor on the tour with them. Away from him, it seemed like Justin was sliding back, losing ground, and Joey wondered again why, if Justin was this bad, he was in this room all alone. Where was Lance? Why wasn't he here when Justin needed him? The phone vibrating in his pocket startled him, but Justin was so exhausted that he was already asleep, and didn't seem to notice. He shifted a little, gripping Joey's arm tightly in his sleep as Joey carefully answered the phone, but he didn't wake up. Joey thumbed the volume almost all the way down. "Hello?" he whispered. "Where the hell are you?" Chris whined. "JC and I are hungry!" "I'm in Justin's room," Joey whispered, watching to see if Justin would stir. He was still sleeping peacefully. "What?" Chris blurted. "What the hell are you doing in there? Does Lance know you're over there? He's in Justin's room." "Is everything ok?" Joey heard JC blurt in the background. "Tell him everything's fine," Joey whispered, and he felt Justin shift against him again, making a low noise in his sleep. "Look, Chris, I have to go. I won't be with you guys today, and I'll explain everything later, ok?" "Wait, Joey!" Chris began, and Joey hung up on him, and then turned his phone off. Justin needed rest, and he would make sure Justin got it. Joey started out just listening to Justin breathe, holding him tightly and hoping that Justin was comfortable, and he eventually drifted off as well. When he woke up, Justin was twisting against him, sweat running off of his forehead, and Joey felt him shaking as he fought with the sheets. "No, no," Justin whimpered, shaking his head. His hair was stuck down, and Joey pulled back, not sure of what to do, or if he should touch him. "Don't, please, please." Joey had never heard Justin sound like this. He'd heard Justin upset, mad, unhappy, and even depressed, but he's never heard Justin so afraid. His voice was cracking with terror, and he fought against the sheets, twisting and pulling at them as he tried to protect himself. Justin's face was lined with pain, and sweat was dripping onto the pillow beneath him. Joey wasn't sure if he should wake him or just try to calm him down, but he had to do something. He couldn't leave Justin like this to wake up on his own, so he leaned down, pulling Justin's writhing form against him, laying Justin's head on his chest and holding him tightly. Justin struggled weakly against him, still asleep, still begging. "You're safe, Justin," Joey whispered, wondering if he should call someone. "You're safe. No one will hurt you." "No, no," Justin argued, still asleep. He was struggling less, but his breath was still high and reedy as he panted like they were at the tail end of a show. "No." "Yes," Joey said, a little louder now, holding Justin tightly to him. "You're ok. You're safe." "Safe," Justin repeated, mumbling now, calming a little more. "Safe," Joey agreed, holding him. "I'll take care of you, Justin." "Take care of me," Justin muttered, out of his nightmare, drifting into that twilight area between asleep and awake. "Take care of me, Lance." "Shhhh," Joey said, holding onto him, his mind reeling. Justin settled back into a deep sleep on Joey's chest, his darkly golden eyelashes fluttering against Joey's t-shirt as Joey wondered, once again, where the hell Lance was. ***Lance*** "Hey, you ok?" Chad asked, glancing over. Lance had been quiet for the entire movie, which Chad, who normally couldn't stop talking, found completely odd. "If you don't like the movie we could go see something else. I just thought we could come to this because it just came out and a lot of people are talking about it, and, you know, it might be kind of good. We don't have to see a movie, even. We could go do anything, whatever you wanted." "Chad, calm down, please," Lance said, laying a hand on top of Chad's on the armrest. "I'm sorry. I'm really enjoying the movie, and being out with you. I just, I guess I'm a little distracted." It was true. Lance had been distracted all day, worrying about Justin. He meant to talk to Justin last night, but then he had run into Chad in the hallway, and they had ended up going to eat and for that walk. When that was over Lance was tired, and went to bed. He waited all night for the phone to ring, and his sleep was broken as he listened for the knock that he knew must be coming, but neither had happened. He told Justin to call if he needed him, and Justin hadn't called. Lance was sure that he would, that Justin would wake up and realize that he wasn't ready for this, that he wasn't ready to be on his own, but Justin hadn't come to the door. Lance wondered if maybe he had been wrong, or maybe he hadn't been giving Justin enough credit. Maybe Justin didn't need him after all. Lance had thought about it all morning when he finally gave up on getting some rest. Something was definitely going on, something Justin wasn't telling him, and he should have tried harder, should have pushed him a little more, instead of letting him just go get another room. All night he had tossed and rolled in bed, expecting to find Justin's warm shoulder, or to feel Justin cuddling against him, and instead he just found a big, empty bed. Lance hadn't slept alone in so long that he wasn't used to it, and he decided that he had to go talk to Justin after all. The two of them had been through too much together to just let this divide spring up between them, and they had to work it out. Lance felt like he was dying inside, and all he could do was worry about whether Justin was ok. He showered and dressed, and as he was walking to the door Chad called to invite him to breakfast. "The movie's almost over," Chad said. "Do you want to see the end? If not, we could just go." "No, I don't want you to miss it," Lance said. It wouldn't be fair to leave, since Chad had paid attention the entire time. Lance figured that whatever was bothering Justin could wait a little longer, since he was going to see him tonight, anyway. If Justin wanted space, Lance could give him that, and maybe going to breakfast with Chad would help him figure that whole thing out, too. Last night was supposed to clear things up for Lance, but instead it had just raised more questions. Lance had wanted to see if he liked Chad that way, and he did like him, sort of, in theory. He liked Chad as a person, once he got through the layers of superficial celebrity worship. He liked looking at him, because Chad was cute, with a tight little body, and those blue eyes, and bleached blond hair that looked soft when it wasn't smothered in gel. He even liked kissing him, when he gave it a second try in the hallway last night, but he still wasn't sure if he liked him. When he kissed Chad, it was quick, but it felt good. Lance also felt something else, though. Kissing Chad felt like he was cheating on someone. "What do you want to do now?" Chad asked, swallowing a big gulp of his soda as the closing credits rolled. Lance realized that he had been so busy thinking about Justin and Chad and how much he was worried about one and what he felt for the other that he hadn't even noticed the movie. "What do you want to do?" Lance asked, standing. "I don't know," Chad answered. "You still have some time before sound checks. Do you want something else to eat? Or we could just walk around the mall for a while." "I think I'm ok with food," Lance said. They'd eaten a large breakfast before the movie, and then had shared candy and popcorn. "We can just walk, if you want." Their bodyguard for the day followed them as they walked out of the theater and slowly paced the large mall. It was nice to know that wherever you went in all of America there was always a place where you could feel at home, where everything was always familiar. Chad kept up a steady stream of babble as they walked slowly down the aisles, pointing at things in windows and dragging Lance inside the stores, and Lance followed along companionably, nodding his head in all of the right places, smiling and agreeing that something looked good or bad while he tried to figure out what he was thinking and feeling. You couldn't cheat unless you had someone to cheat on, so why did kissing Chad feel like he was cheating? There wasn't anyone for him to be faithful to. He knew that it wasn't lingering feelings about Howie, because he didn't have any. When they first broke up, right after Howie left, part of Lance had hoped that he would come back. Part of Lance still loved him, but that part had realized a long time ago that Howie's idea of love was twisted, that Howie wasn't the person Lance thought he was. The Howie that Lance fell in love with wasn't there anymore, because Lance had helped to destroy him. If it wasn't Howie, though, then who was it? Lance didn't love anyone else, not that way. Lance hadn't promised his heart to anyone. Maybe if he just kept hanging out with Chad, things would clarify themselves. If he kept going through the motions, maybe he would figure out why he felt this way, or maybe he would start to feel something for Chad beyond friendship. Chad was a nice guy, and Lance could do a lot worse. After all, he already had. "Do you think this looks good on me?" Chad asked, holding a sequined shirt against himself. "Sure," Lance answered, shrugging. He smiled, hoping Chad wouldn't notice that he'd barely even looked, and Chad grinned back. ***Joey*** The buzzing of the alarm woke them both, and Joey looked down to meet Justin's blue eyes as Justin lay with his head on Joey's chest. Justin flushed guiltily, sliding away, and Joey let him, remembering Chris talking about how important it was that Justin have his space and feel like he was in control. Joey sat up carefully, his back against the pillows, as Justin moved a little away, drawing up his knees and holding them. He was turned toward Joey, but not making eye contact, and Joey waited for him to speak. The room was brighter now, sunlight leaking in along the edges of the curtains, and it caught in the hair on Justin's arms, outlining them in glowing fire. "You didn't have to stay with me," Justin said quietly. "Yes, I did," Joey said. "You needed me, so I was here." "Thank you," Justin said, still not looking at Joey. "Nothing to thank me for," Joey said. "Look, you haven't showered all day, Justin, and you haven't eaten since this morning. I'm going to order us some food, and I want you to go get cleaned up, ok? You'll feel better once you wash your hair, and the hot water will relax you." "I, I can't," Justin began, looking at himself, and at Joey, and the bathroom door on the other side of the suite. "I mean." "Do you want me to leave?" Joey asked, knowing what was bothering him. Justin shook his head, his eyes watering again. It was hard watching him do this, watching him try to fight to speak, like the real Justin was inside fighting to get out. Justin only trusted Lance, for the most part, and even trying to explain things to Joey was hard for him, but Joey just wouldn't quit. "I know you don't want me to see you, Justin, and I know you don't want to be undressed around me. Why don't you take your clothes into the bathroom with you, and I'll stay out there in the suite room, and I'll make sure no one comes in, ok?" "OK," Justin said, climbing out of bed. He walked over to the closet, grabbing clothes without really looking at them, since he was just going to change at the venue anyway, and then turned back to Joey. "Thank you." Joey nodded, not moving from the bed until Justin had closed himself in the bathroom. He heard the bathroom door lock, and figured that Justin wasn't over his trust issues after all, but at least he was trying. Joey called room service, and then turned his phone back on to find about ten messages from Chris and JC. "Joey, do you need us? We're going to stay in my suite all day in case you guys need us, so just call, ok?" "Joey, it's JC. We're still in Chris's suite. We didn't want to come impose, but is everything ok? I know you told Chris you'd explain later, but we're just concerned, ok?" The rest of the messages continued in the same vein, the last one coming about a half hour ago, and Joey erased them all before calling Chris. "What the hell, Joey?" Chris demanded. "What have you been doing all day?" "Sleeping," Joey answered, and heard the phone being passed. "Joey, is Justin ok?" JC asked, and Joey could hear the strain in his voice, too. "He's fine," Joey answered. "He's having kind of a rough day, and I'm going to stay with him until we get to the show tonight." "Why isn't Lance there?" JC asked. "I don't know," Joey answered honestly. "I'm going to ask him about it, but I think you guys should leave without us. I'll see you there." "OK," JC sighed. "Take care of him." "Of course," Joey said, hanging up. When Justin finished showering and getting dressed, he cracked the bathroom door, watching quietly as Joey greeted the room service staff at the suite door. Joey brought the tray in and set it down, and smiled at Justin. "Hey. We're going to eat dinner soon, but I got us a snack, ok?" "Yeah," Justin said, sitting down across from Joey, smiling. He looked a lot better now that he'd gotten some sleep, and Joey had opened the curtains and the windows, letting a little air and sunlight in. Justin loaded one of the small plates up with vegetables, and scooped up some dip, waiting for Joey to start eating before he did. "Thanks for ordering the snack, and for staying today. I probably wasn't really, you know, entertaining or anything." "It doesn't matter," Joey said, chewing on a carrot. "Like I said, you needed me, so I was here. Did you sleep ok?" "I think so," Justin answered, a little uncertain. He remembered being afraid, and feeling someone take care of him, but it was all pretty vague. "You had a nightmare, Justin," Joey said carefully. "Do you remember that?" "No," Justin answered quietly, looking down. He felt cold inside, and knew what he was dreaming about, what he had to have been. It never changed, ever. Every time he closed his eyes, his brain circled back, and brought him back to that place, to that cabin, and that night. He jumped as Joey sat down by him. "Hey, I didn't mean to upset you," Joey said quickly, touching Justin's shoulder. "I just wanted to know if you wanted to talk about it, or if there was anything I should do. I mean, you scared me, Justin. You were breathing so hard, and you sounded so afraid. I didn't know if I should say something, or if there was something I was supposed to do that I didn't." "No, it's ok," Justin said, patting Joey's hand. He sniffled, feeling his eyes sting, and squeezed Joey's hand tightly, trying to keep the tears away. "I just, I never get away, Joey. I never get away, and I'm so scared, I'm always so scared. I don't want to be like this all the time. I don't want to be afraid." "I know, Justin," Joey said. "I know you don't want to be like this. Is there anything I can do?" "No," Justin answered, going back to his food. "Just be my friend, please?" "Sure," Joey said, blotting under Justin's eye with a napkin. Justin gave him a little half smile, and Joey smiled back, letting Justin know it was ok to cry if he needed to. Justin kept eating, so Joey took another bite, too, keeping one eye on the clock. They had plenty of time to have a nice snack, and just hang out for a bit, and Joey wondered if maybe Justin wanted to go get some air, or go see JC and Chris before they left. JC had Junior with him, and Joey was going to suggest that Junior sleep over here tonight if Justin was still in this room. He realized he needed to discuss that, too, even though Justin was already a little upset. "Justin, in your sleep, when you were talking," Joey began, watching Justin pale. "You asked for Lance, Justin." Justin didn't say anything, just staring at Joey, his blue eyes somehow getting even wider. "Did you and Lance have a fight, Justin?" Joey asked. Justin shook his head, and Joey realized they were back to the same thing they had gone through this morning, and took Justin's hands, holding them tightly. "Look, Justin, talk to me, please. I'm your friend. I'm not going to hurt you, and I'm not going to get upset about anything you say. I just want you to feel better, and I can't do that if you won't talk to me. Why are you over here in this suite by yourself? Was it Lance's idea?" "No," Justin said, shaking his head. He didn't want to tell anyone this, but he couldn't hold it inside anymore, and he was already used to Joey being mad at him. If Joey got pissed, it wouldn't be like he lost a friend. "It was my idea." "But why?" Joey asked. "Why did you want to do this? You're not ready for it, Justin. Look at you. What would you have done if I hadn't come down the hall this morning?" "I don't know," Justin answered, his eyes watering again. Why did he cry all the time, even when he didn't want to? "But I had to leave. I had to give Lance space." "Did Lance say something?" Joey asked, finding it hard to believe. Lance would dig out his own kidney with a spatula if Justin needed it. "Did he ask for space?" "No," Justin answered, shaking his head. "He wouldn't do that, but he needed it, because I, I'm bad for him. I'm ruining his life." Joey froze, hearing his own fear from so many months ago coming out of Justin's mouth. He had been so afraid that Justin would consume Lance with his own issues, but it never occurred to him that Justin would be afraid of that, too. It was the ultimate example of how much Justin had changed. "Justin, how?" Joey asked. "How are you ruining Lance's life?" "I'm keeping him from being happy," Justin answered, a tear spilling down his cheek. "I think, I think Chad really likes him, and Lance doesn't see it, because he's so busy taking care of me. I'm keeping him from finding someone." "Justin, how do you know Lance even likes him?" Joey asked. "I don't," Justin answered. "But he'll never know if I keep holding onto him so much. If I wasn't so, so needy and weak, he would be happy." "Justin, if he didn't ask you to do it, and you don't even know if he likes Chad, why are you hurting yourself like this?" Joey asked, confused. "Lance doesn't want you in pain." "But I want him to be happy," Justin whispered, turning away from Joey. "I want him to be happy, because I love him." *** To be continued.