Date: Wed, 27 Mar 2002 07:14:38 -0500 From: Writer Boy Subject: jc's hitchhiker - part 81 Obligatory warnings and disclaimers: 1) If reading this is in any way illegal where you are or at your age, or you don't want to read about male/male relationships, go away. You shouldn't be here. 2) I don't know any of the celebrities in this story, and this story in no way is meant to imply anything about their sexualities, personalities, or anything else. This is a work of pure fiction. Questions and commentary can be sent to "writerboy69@hotmail.com". I enjoy constructive criticism, praise, and rational discussion. I do not enjoy flames, and will not tolerate them. Back to the story in progress. ***Justin*** "Wow," Nick said, grinning over at me as I sat naked across from him on the other end of the couch. He had stripped out of his clothes, too, and I handed him another drink. I wasn't drinking, not really, not compared to the way I had been, but I figured a little alcohol would just help Nick along. "You must think your ass is made of fucking gold, Timberlake." I smiled at him, still pouring on the best of my charm. "You'll never know," I said, shrugging, knowing it would make my shoulders bunch and my pecs dance. "Unless, you know, you help me out." OK, so it wasn't the most original plan. I'd actually thought it up while I was watching "Cruel Intentions" on cable and trying to figure out what to do, and suddenly, there was my answer. I had to get Lance away from Howie, and the only way that Lance would do that was if I could show him that Howie didn't love him. I couldn't be the one to cheat with Howie, because Lance wouldn't ever trust me again after that, and neither would any of the other guys, but they already had no use for Nick. I didn't really think Nick would have a problem sleeping with someone in his own group, because he didn't really have a problem sleeping with anybody. I just needed to give him some incentive, and since I couldn't offer him money, I was left with the only thing I'd ever really had to offer anybody. I just needed to get Nick to take the bait. Nick sighed, looking at me thoughtfully. "Justin, why do you want to break up Lance and Howie?" he asked. "Does it matter?" I asked, leaning in a little closer, running my hand over his chest, the fingertips just barely brushing the rise of his pec. "I mean, I'm just asking you to sleep with someone. It isn't anything you haven't done before, and, you know, Howie's kind of hot, for a guy that short. Nice muscles, that little patch of chest hair, and, at least based on what you can see through the speedo, he's packing some pipe, Nick. I bet he's a hot fuck. I bet his ass is nice and tight, just like mine. Just the way you like it." Nick watched my hand as it brushed over his pink nipple and then slid down his abs to rest on his thigh. His cock, half hard, twitched a little as it lay on his round, blond-furred balls. "Justin, I've seen Howie naked," Nick said, smiling at me. "You still haven't answered my question. Why do you want to break them up? I'm just curious. I mean, are you secretly in love with Lance or something? Or is it Howie you want for yourself?" "Neither," I answered. I didn't want to give Nick the real reason. I felt like we'd failed Lance, all of us, by letting this happen, and I was afraid that Nick wouldn't think it was serious, or that he wouldn't care. I was afraid that he might say something or do something that would hurt Lance more, or make this worse in some way, and I was doing this to help him. What it came down to, in the end, was that I didn't trust Nick, but I needed him. "Look, Nick, does it really matter? I mean, honestly? I just don't think Lance and Howie should be together. I don't think Howie's good for him, and I want them broken up. If I do it, I'm done, ok? The other guys will toss me out of the group on my ass if I sleep with Lance's boyfriend." "But they already don't like me," Nick said, smiling. "Very nice, Justin. But what do you think this is going to do for me? What about my group?" I sighed. I had assumed that Nick would be fine with seducing someone, as it was practically his hobby, but I hadn't stopped to think about how the rest of the Backstreet Boys might respond. They knew about Lance and Howie, and they might do the same thing to Nick that our guys would do to me. I wondered if maybe I should tell Nick after all, but he began speaking again, watching my face. "Then again, I haven't said no yet," he said, shrugging. My eyebrows jerked up in surprise before I could think to cover them. "I mean, it wouldn't be the end of the world. It's not like I haven't had sex with any of the other Boys." "What?" I blurted. We hadn't ever had this conversation, and apparently I'd missed some good stuff. "How many of the other guys have you had sex with?" "Two," Nick answered, shrugging. "What?" I blurted again. "There are only five of you in the group. Who did you sleep with?" Nick sighed, as if debating whether or not to tell me. "Hey, you already know who I did in my group," I said, grinning. He knew about Lance, not the whole story, but enough to explain why Howie hated me, and he'd known about Josh for a while, too. "Good point," Nick said, shrugging. "Let's see. Well, you know how Brian and I are like, best friends or whatever?" "You're not?" I asked. They seemed to like each other. Wasn't Brian straight, though? "Not as much as we were, outside of interviews and articles in Tiger Beat," Nick answered quickly, shaking his head. "Anyway, one night when we were still touring in Europe, back when we were first starting out, I was sharing a room with Brian, because we used to do that. I was really homesick, and I'd gotten some wine down at the hotel bar, and I was pretty fucking trashed." I smiled, remembering a time when something similar had happened to us. The first time we went on tour Josh got drunk one night, really drunk, because he had never had anything to drink before, and I'd spent an entire night holding his hand while he threw up. I didn't think that was quite where Nick's story was going, though. "Anyway, Brian was trying to help me get undressed, and all of a sudden I just leaned forward and kissed him," Nick continued. "I didn't really know what I was doing, and I hadn't figured out yet if I was bi or gay or whatever, but I knew that I felt really close to Brian, so I kissed him. He looked at me for a second, and then I kissed him again, and the next thing you know, we were rolling around on the bed." "Did you, you know, did you guys fuck each other?" I asked. "No," Nick answered, shaking his head. "He didn't really do much to me, just, you know, a lot of kissing and touching, but I ended up blowing him. It was actually my first blowjob, the first one I gave someone else, and when we fell asleep, we were in the same bed, wrapped around each other, and I thought everything was ok. And then we woke up, and everything went to hell." I waited. Nick had actually never opened up before, never told me anything resembling a personal story, and I didn't want to stop him, not now. It might help me understand him better. "Brian was crying when I woke up," Nick said, reaching for the pitcher and pouring himself another one. "I asked him what was wrong, and he started going on about how bad what we'd done was, and how wrong it was for him to take advantage of me. I tried to tell him that, you know, I'd wanted it, and that he hadn't done anything, and just like that he turned on me. He started telling me how it was wrong for two guys to sleep together, and how it was a sin, and how he was going to burn in hell for it. He started yelling at me, and he told me that he couldn't believe that I would take advantage of his friendship like that, and that he couldn't believe I could do something so horrible." "Nick, I, um, I'm sorry," I said, touching his shoulder. He smiled, shrugging my hand away, as he poured himself another drink. I felt so bad for him, suddenly. "Hey, it's not so bad," Nick said. "I thought I loved Brian, but I realized right then that love is a big joke. There's no such thing. It's just a lie people tell themselves to feel better about sex, and I decided not to lie to myself. So now, if something feels good, I don't worry about it. I'm not going to let someone tell me that I have to love somebody, or something's wrong, or that something's a sin. Fuck everyone." I saw it all in my mind, saw Nick young, and vulnerable, trying to figure out who he was, waking up next to the man he loved and being so harshly rejected. No wonder he couldn't love anyone. No wonder all he did was drink, do drugs, and sleep around. He was doing the same thing I'd been doing to distract myself from the pain of not having Josh, but he'd been doing it for years. He'd been doing it for so long that he probably didn't remember how to do anything else, and I realized that this was what Josh and Jack, and Chris, and all the others were afraid would happen to me. This was the path I'd been on, and this was where I would end up if I kept doing this. And then, as fast as I'd started feeling bad for him, as quickly as I'd started to think that I shouldn't have asked him to do this, that I'd betrayed what passed for our friendship, he turned it all around. "And then there was AJ," Nick continued. He hadn't been looking at me, hadn't noticed my change of heart, but he turned and grinned now. "You slept with AJ, too?" I asked, wondering if it had turned out any better. "Not really," Nick said, shrugging as he took another sip of his drink. "But before he went to rehab I let him blow me for coke a few times." "What?" I asked, feeling sick suddenly. "You know," Nick said, not looking at me. "Sometimes when we're on tour it's hard to get stuff, and AJ needed some. I was horny, so I figured we could help each other out. I mean, it's just a favor for a favor." "Yeah, I guess," I lied. Screaming at Nick that he was a disgusting, horrible person wouldn't make him more likely to help me. How could he do that? How could he take someone who was vulnerable, someone who needed so much help that he had to be put away to deal with it, and trade his need, his addiction, for sexual favors? I swallowed my disgust, even though, more than anything, I just wanted to get off the couch and get the hell away from him. Nick had gone so far down the path he wasn't ever coming back. "So, what do you think, Nick?" I wondered if I was going to hell for this, but decided that it was serving the greater good. What I was asking Nick to do wouldn't cause him any damage, that was more than clear. It would hurt Lance a little to break up with someone that he loved, but it would save him from being hurt more, and he'd already been hurt worse than the breakup would. As for Howie, well, he didn't really deserve Lance anyway, not if that was the way he treated him. And me? Well, just this once I'd have to suck it up, maybe literally. I cared enough about Lance to make this sacrifice for him, and besides, it would just be one time. How bad could it be? "All I have to do is seduce Howie?" he asked, looking thoughtful. "Not just seduce him," I said, shaking my head. "You have to get caught. Once you get Howie to have sex with you, you have to get caught by anyone besides me, because Lance will believe any of the others." "And I get you?" Nick asked. "However I want you?" "For one night," I clarified. "You can have me, however you want me. I'll do whatever you want, and let you do whatever you want to me. You can touch me anywhere you want, and you can put it anywhere, too." I had stolen the last part right from the movie, but he didn't seem to recognize the line. As I said it, I dropped my hand into his lap, and gave his cock a squeeze. "So, what do you say, Nicky?" I purred. "How badly do you want to fuck me?" Nick swallowed, his eyes on my hand, which was squeezing and caressing the swelling tube of his cock. "I don't know," he said quietly, gasping as I palmed the head, rolling my hand across the top, smearing in the precum he was dripping suddenly. "That's too bad," I sighed, standing. I walked away from him to the counter, knowing he was watching, and stood with my back to him, mixing myself another drink. "You know, Nick, I might be able to help you make up your mind." "Really?" he asked huskily, walking toward me. I didn't move, watching his shadow fall across the counter as he walked closer. "How?" "I'm willing to offer a free sample of the goods," I said quietly, spreading my legs a little. "You know, a little taste of the prize. What do you think, Nicky?" "A little taste?" he whispered, running his hand over my ass, cupping the cheek. I shifted back a little, pressing it against his palm. "Yeah," I sighed. "Show me how much you want me, Nicky. Will you do it?" He rubbed my ass with both hands now, and then dropped to his knees behind me. I felt his hands sliding up the backs of my thighs, then they were on my ass, and then felt his hot breath on my cheeks as he pulled them apart. He hadn't answered yet, but as I felt him burying his face between my legs, and felt his hot tongue snaking out around my hole, I knew I had him. I smiled, and then lost myself in the feelings rolling up over me as Nick moaned behind me, putting his mouth to work. ***Jack*** Josh and I were just finished packing our suitcases when Justin knocked on the door. We'd already been up for a while, as I'd screamed myself awake a good hour before the alarm went off, but on the plus side it gave us enough time for Josh to slowly make love to me in the shower, sighing and telling me how much he loved me as he brought us both to the edge, the water pounding down on us as Josh pounded into me, washing everything away. I knew why I kept having nightmares so often lately. My doctor said that stress could trigger them, and the flashbacks and panic attacks, but luckily I hadn't had any of those lately. I thought again about how lucky I was to have someone like Josh to go through this with me, someone to hold me and make me feel safe. "Jack?" he asked, leaning over his own suitcase. "Huh?" I answered, blinking. He was smiling at me, his eyes sparkling in his perfect face, and I wanted to just throw him down on the bed and make him feel good. I knew we didn't have time for it, but I wanted to claw his shirt off of him and go for his chest, feeling his warm muscle beneath my lips. I wanted to hear the noises he'd make, and know that he was happy. "You've been standing over your suitcase for like two minutes," he said, chuckling. "Were you planning to finish packing it?" "Yeah," I answered, shaking my head as he walked around the bed toward me. "I was just thinking." Josh hugged me, pulling me against him, and I stepped into his arms as he squeezed, crushing me against his body. I could feel his chest pressed to mine, the muffled thump of his heartbeat thudding in time with mine through our shirts. I ran my hands up his back, feeling the broad curves, loving the way all of his muscles shifted and danced under my hands as his head leaned down to mine. His lips brushed against my mouth, soft and smooth, his beard tickling my chin as his nose brushed my cheek. Josh's hands slid up to caress the sides of my face, holding me gently as he kissed me softly, over and over, his tongue darting in every few seconds, but mostly just his lips feathering over mine. "What were you thinking about?" Josh whispered, his eyes wide. I found myself falling into them, losing myself in the swirls and streaks of blue. "This morning," I answered, kissing him again. "And how much I love you." "What a coincidence," Josh whispered. I felt his eyelashes brush over my cheek like butterflies as he kissed me again. "Because I was just thinking about how much I love you." I hugged him tightly, sliding my face into the hollow beneath his chin, resting my head on his shoulder, and he wrapped his arms around me tightly, his hands on my back. Sometimes I just needed this, needed to be close to him, and Josh understood because it was something he needed, too. There might be nothing wrong with our sex life, but it was these times, the quiet moments when it was just me and him, and we were just lost in each other, that let me know this was real. Josh and I belonged together, and we both knew it. Our hug was interrupted by a knock at the front door, and I stepped out of Josh's arms, feeling his hands slide reluctantly off of me. "I'll get it," I said, leaning forward to plant one final kiss on his lips. When our mouths touched Josh pulled me close again, his hands holding my face. My fingers fluttered along his jawline as our tongues danced back and forth, and we heard Justin knocking again. I pulled back, grinning, noting Josh's happy grin as well. "Ooooops." "Go get the door," he said, smacking my ass as I walked away. "Sir, yes sir," I answered, pulling the door open. Justin stood on the sidewalk, squinting in the morning sun. "Hey." "Hi, good morning," he said. He looked different, but I couldn't put my finger on it. "We're just finishing up packing, if you want to come in?" I suggested, holding the door open. "Sure, thanks," he answered, smiling at me. "Do you have any juice or anything?" "Sure, I think," I said, walking with him to the refrigerator. Josh called a good morning to him from the bedroom, and as I handed Justin a small bottle of orange juice I realized why he looked different. He wasn't hung over. "Thanks," Justin said, taking it from me. As he twisted the bottle open I walked back to the bedroom, and began carefully putting the rest of my clothes in my suitcase. I looked up to see Justin looking over my charts and piles on the dining room table, scanning the wedding reception blueprint. As I watched, he fingered a post it note, and then moved it to another table, switching it with another. "Please don't move those," I said, wondering what he was doing. Josh glanced up, watching us. I think he was still a little upset about what Justin had said the other night. "I'm sorry, I should have asked," Justin said quickly, looking sorry. "I just know that Debbie and Liz won't sit at the same table." "He's right," Josh said from behind me, zipping his suitcase closed. "I should have caught that when we were putting last names in." "Oh, um, thank you, Justin," I said, zipping my bag closed as well. "I didn't mean to snap at you. I've just worked on that thing so many times that I don't even let Josh touch it anymore." Justin shrugged. "It's ok," he said, sipping his orange juice again. Josh gave me a look, and I realized he felt it, too. Justin was giving off a weird vibe today, but it was hard to say exactly what it was. He wasn't back to his old, cocky self, but he wasn't the surly, depressed boy who had been keeping us company for the past few weeks, either. He seemed quiet, almost distracted, but still friendly. "Like I said, I should have asked you before I moved anything. I, um, I see that you still have some stuff on here that needs to be done. I know you're only gone today and tomorrow, but is there anything on here that I could work on while you're away? Anything I could help with?" Josh blinked at me, waiting for my response. His eyebrows were sliding together in that cute way he had when he was confused, with that little frown line between them, and I wanted to kiss him again suddenly, just to let him know everything was ok. I was almost as confused. Was Justin actually trying to turn around, finally? If he was, we had to help him. "Justin, you don't have to do anything," I said. "I mean, I'd appreciate it, but you don't have to." Justin smiled at me. "Well, you know, I am the best man, and I haven't really done anything," he said, shrugging. "If there isn't anything I can work on, or you already have it all under control, that's great, but if there's anything I can do, I really would like to." "Well, you, Lance, Joey, and Chris are supposed to be going in for fittings this afternoon," I said, thinking of my list. Howie wasn't in the wedding, a decision I was growing to love more every day as he continued to be rude and abrasive. "If you could get them together, and make sure you guys all get there on time and get that all done, I would really appreciate it." "And we have a menu tasting when we get back," Josh said, jumping in. He took my hand, squeezing it, and I understood without being told that Justin's gesture meant a hell of lot to him. "If you want to come help pick out the food, we could do that, too." "Thanks," Justin said, smiling. "Are you guys ready? I came a little early because I wanted to take you guys to breakfast, if you want. Unless you already ate." "No, we haven't eaten," I said. "I think I'd like some breakfast," Josh said, grabbing the suitcases. I picked up both our carryon bags, and we followed Justin toward the door. "Good," Justin said. "Because I, um, I really want to talk to you guys, ok?" We followed him to the car, glancing at each other, trying to figure out what the hell was going on. Justin was sober, helpful, and seemed kind of sorry. Exactly what sort of a game was he playing? Was he even playing one? Justin was quiet the entire ride. I sat up in the front with him, since Josh was still a little unsure, but Justin didn't seem to notice. I got that feeling again that he was distracted, but didn't know if I should ask by what. We finally stopped at a little diner by the airport, and after we ordered Justin carefully folded his hands as he sat across from us in the booth. "I wanted to talk to you guys because I, um, I wanted to apologize for not helping out more with the wedding," he began, looking down. Under the table Josh squeezed my hand tightly. "I know that I've been kind of an ass, and I haven't been really polite to you guys lately, especially when you've tried to talk to me about it, and I just want to say that I'm sorry. I've been kind of childish and stupid." Wow. What brought that on? "Justin, I, well, we appreciate the apology," Josh began, smiling at the waitress as she brought our food over. "But what's wrong? Why have you been acting like this?" Justin swallowed, still not looking at us. "I'm jealous," he said simply. "I've been acting like this because I'm jealous, and I don't really know how to deal with it." Josh reached across the table and took Justin's hand. I wondered how he'd be able to eat, now that he was holding both of ours. "Justin, I'm sorry," Josh said quietly. "I know," Justin said, still staring at his plate. He raised his head, and I saw that his eyes were wet and glistening. "I know you didn't mean for any of this to happen, but it's just, when I see you guys, and I see how happy you are, I wonder why it's not me. And I know that the reason I don't have you, Josh, is that you're for Jack, and you always have been, but it still hurts." "Justin, maybe we shouldn't have asked you to be in the wedding," I began. "It seemed like a great idea at the time, but maybe we should have thought a little more about it." "No, you were trying to help," Justin said, shaking his head. "You were trying to show me that Josh is still my friend, and I thought that I was, you know, man enough to accept it, and that's why I agreed. But it hurts sometimes, and I've been pushing you away so hard because I don't know how to make it not hurt." "Justin, what about Nick?" Josh asked, and I winced, waiting for the bomb to drop. "Josh, there isn't anything going on with me and Nick," Justin said, and Josh's eyes widened in surprise. I could tell he was about to ask about the bathroom, but so could Justin. "There's something physical there, but there's no feeling at all. Nick is, um, he's not really the person I thought he was, and I don't think there could ever be anything with us, not in a good way. I've just been with him, and all these other people, because it takes my mind off of you." I wondered if Josh should be flattered that Justin thought it took so many people just to replace him, but thought now wouldn't really be the right time to bring it up. Josh looked a little pained by Justin's revelation. "Justin, have you told Nick?" Josh asked. "Does he know any of this?" "Yeah," Justin answered, finally releasing Josh's hand. They both started picking at their breakfast. "Nick knows I don't love him. He knows I love you, and he doesn't love me, either. Josh, I don't want to end up like Nick. Jack tried to talk to me about this when he was still in the hospital, and I didn't want to listen then, but I don't want to go back to the way I was. I don't want to just be the party animal, this walking sex machine, without anything else. I don't want to use people like that anymore, and I know that you guys are afraid of me ending up like that." "Justin, how can we help you?" Josh asked. "What can we do for you?" "I don't know," Justin answered. "But I haven't been a good friend to you, again. When Jack came back I gave you up, Josh. I didn't fight, or even really say anything, because I wanted you to be happy with him. I just didn't know it would hurt so much, and I didn't know how to deal with it. I don't want to run away from it, though. I don't want to hide what I'm feeling. I love you both. You're the best friend I ever had, Josh, and Jack, you've always tried to do right by me, even when I didn't do the same for you. I want you both to be happy, and I want to be part of it. But I can't be if I keep letting myself get bogged down in being jealous and stupid. I don't know how you can help me not be, but I think I just need time." "Justin, you have time, and you have us, too," I said, smiling at him. "Just don't close yourself off so much, ok? If you're hurting, let us know. Don't push us away. We'll all get through this, the same way we get through everything, by leaning on each other." Justin smiled at me, and at Josh, completing the really sappy moment, and as his eyes glanced over mine I realized something. Justin really did mean what he said, but he was only saying it for Josh's benefit. Justin and I didn't need these kinds of scenes. We'd both get along without the deep heart to hearts, but Josh needed them. It was just part of who he was, and Justin realized that. I could respect it, though. It just showed me how much Justin really did care about Josh being happy, and I wanted to find some way to repay the favor. I wanted Justin to be happy, too, and I resolved once we got back from our trip to figure out who we could fix Justin up with. Part of me might have selfishly wanted to make sure that Justin had someone so he wouldn't put moves on Josh, but most of me realized Justin wouldn't do that, and just wanted to help him. As we were checking in at the airport I noticed again that Justin looked distracted. I had thought that it was just from thinking about what he was going to say to Josh and I, but now I started to think it might be from something else. What else could be bothering him? "Justin," I began, as Josh checked our bags in. "Is there something else bothering you?" He blinked at me, and I could see that he was thinking about it. "Yeah, but I don't want to talk about it," he answered, and caught the face I made. "I know, Jack, I know. We just had a discussion about not shutting you guys out and pushing you away, but I need to think on this one, ok? Maybe when you guys come back." "Are you sure?" Josh asked, lacing his arm automatically through mine. "Yeah," Justin said, giving Josh a hug, and then giving me one, too. "Thank you, guys. Have a good trip, ok? Give 'em hell, Jack." "Thanks, Justin," I said, smiling. I felt worried suddenly. "Justin, be careful, ok? Whatever it is, be careful." "OK," he said, walking away. We watched his back for a while. "Jack, do you think he's going to be all right?" Josh asked, hugging me against his side. "I think he wants to be," I said. "He took a big step by admitting all that to you, Josh. We just have to be here for him." "I know," Josh sighed, as they called for our plane. "Hey, that's us." We walked away, not looking back as Justin continued walking away in the other direction. Later I would wonder if we should have pushed a little more, if I should have made him tell me everything that was going on. Maybe things would have turned out differently if I had, but we'd never know. *** To be continued.