Date: Sun, 28 Jan 2001 02:13:46
From: M. F. Luder <jmfluder@hotmail.com>
Subject: Boybands. Just the truth. Chapter 11

Hi people!

Here's the next chapter of this very long serie... and the drama hasn't even
started!

Ok, here's the deal. From this point on the chapters are gonna be a lot
shorter. But there is a catch, I'll send them out a lot closer within each
other. Why? Because like this you won't forget I'm still writing this story.
Is either that or get a long chapter every month or so.

Once again I have to thank my beloved S. D. Lucly. You rock girl!
To Jon, you *are* my editor. Without you I don't even want to think what my
grammar would be! You *are* my friend as well and I'm happy to be able to
call you that. We *will* be fine.
Uli, you're great boy! Your posts make my day. That's for sure.
And on a side note to my dear friend Mouse. I'm so happy for ya! *dances
around the room* I'm more than happy, I'm static! Oh!, and send C a kiss
from me. *evil grin*

For those who wanna read more of my work (I hope there are people who want
to), I've got my own place at:

www.geocities.com/sdlucly/

Please, check it out!

Now with the story...

Just the truth
By M. F. Luder

Chapter 11

*****

I stared at the screen and nothing seemed to come to mind. I had been trying
to finish my Biology project, an investigation about cancer cells, and
didn't seem to be able to focus on it. But then again, how could I after
everything that had happened that morning?

As promised, Kate and I had talked, long and hard.

The very first thing she did this morning was ask me what had changed my
demeanor last night. So I told her what Kevin told me, about him talking
with AJ, and she half understood why I did what I did last night. But of
course that didn't save me the lecture about my insecurities.

Then it was my time to ask the questions and I inquired about Nick. I was
sure he at least knew something, but Kate denied it. She said Nick was
worried about both Kevin and I. Worried that I wasn't trusting his older
brother like I should. The kid was right and I couldn't deny it.

The conversation continued for about an hour until both of us were just too
angry to be able to deal with the other. We are best friends, but we sure
have different opinions in different subjects. And this is one of them.

"Crap!" I hissed aloud as I closed my eyes. This subject was either more
difficult than I had expected, something I didn't even believe it myself, or
I just couldn't do it in this precise moment - which seemed to be the truth.

"You could have finished it this morning." A voice said from the door. I
turned around and saw Kate leaning against the threshold, then she started
walking over to where I was. "You could have finished it in a couple of
hours and Kevin could have come after lunch."

"What do you want from me?" I asked tiredly already. Tired of everything.

"What do I want? To be honest to yourself. Damn it Matt!" she half yelled at
me and I knew she was mad, really mad, the minute she cursed.

I stayed quiet as she continued.

"You aren't helping ya know. How in God's name do you want the relationship
to work if you really don't want it to? I can see Kevin really wants you two
to be together and he's trying his best to be with ya as much as he can and
you don't want to. You keep saying no. All the time."

I was dead quiet.

She sighed, her eyes full of anger and frustration. After a minute, she
questioned.  "Do you really love him?"

I didn't believe me ears, that's for sure. "What the heck are you talking
about?"

She wasn't surprised at my choice of words. "About you two. About *you*.
About what you feel. If you really feel something, and I'm starting to doubt
it. If you really did loved him, then you wouldn't be acting like that,
you'd be doing your best to be with him." With another sighed, she
proceeded. "If you don't love him, then it'd be better for you to break up
with him."

"I don't know." I whispered. "I do like him. I could even tell you I love
him... but..."

"You're afraid Matthew. You're afraid of something that you don't even know
it's gonna happen but you're putting all your bets on it." She looked at me
thoughtfully. "Don't think about the past or the future. Just think about
the present. If you feel good with him, then enjoy it Matty. If you do that,
then the future will hold something nice for ya."

With that, she left.

And once again, I felt alone.

*****

I was laying on my bed, watching the ceiling with so much intensity I could
feel like it was actually gonna break down and fall onto me.

What was I doing? Easy, thinking.

Yeah, thinking.

I had been thinking since yesterday morning when Kate yelled at me about not
knowing what it was I wanted. Kate and I had barely spoken ten words
yesterday afternoon. She had been doing some stuff in her room, while I was
trying my best to finish my stupid project, but I hadn't even finished the
page. I had thought all night long, barely gotten two hours of shut eye. I
had thought this morning during classes and, for the life of me, I have no
idea what they had taught at both Chemistry and Biology. I can't even
remember going into Human Studies' class. I hated the subject, I still don't
see the point in studying something I ain't gonna need while practicing, and
being so wrapped up in my self analysis, I'm sure I'm gonna have to borrow
someone's notes.

Yep, I had thought. And thought. And thought... and even thought some more.

And had I come to a conclusion? Yeah.

A fine conclusion, that's for sure.

I had only two days left with Kevin and I would be damn if I wasn't gonna
enjoy them. I did loved him. I had also gotten to that conclusion, thank you
very much. I loved him and I was gonna try my best to be truthful with him

Kate was right, something I wasn't gonna accept even if my life depended on
it. She had been right. I had been so worried about what had happened in my
past, about what could happen, that I had forgotten about what was going on
around me. I was with someone I really, *really* liked and I was doing
nothing to enjoy it. To be happy because of it.

And that was gonna change.

So here I was, laying on my bed, waiting for Kevin to show up. But he
hadn't. I turned around and looked at my alarm clock.

6.20pm

He hadn't called. And I hadn't called either. Maybe he was still stuck in
that meeting of his and the last thing I wanted was to interrupted him. So I
had been waiting. And waiting... and still waiting.

I sighed for the nth time in the last couple of hours. I had even stop
*trying* - keyword *is* trying - to get anything done, either studying or
finishing the couple of papers I had due either this week or the next,
because I sure as hell was only wasting my time. I couldn't even focus on
the name of the subject, let alone on whatever I had to investigate. I had
been way too busy worrying about what I was gonna say to Kevin as soon as I
saw him.

At least now Kate and I were in talking level. It sucks big time when you're
mad with your best friend/roommate. She had been happy the moment I said I
was gonna try my best to be more... open with him, not as 'closet' - her
words not mine - as I usually am. She said, and I quote: 'you've got this
defense mechanism you've got to get rid of.' Maybe she was right about that
too.

I had always been very closed in dealing with people, people I didn't know
that is. I still don't know how Kate got close enough to me to actually open
up to her. But she did. And boy she did!

Where was he anyway?

'Working' my mind answered me back as I sighed once again.

He *was* working. Because he was older than me and he had a job, a job he
loved, but a job nonetheless. While I was still in college. A naive and,
very young, college student, and he was a world famous pop singer who would
never really feel anything real for someone like me and...

And lets not go down that road!

Hadn't I gotten to the conclusion he did liked me and I did liked him and we
were gonna try and make it work, and all I had to do is talk with him and
tell him I wanted this, *us*, to work. To make it through his tour. To
really make it.

But I hadn't spoken with him. And I hadn't been able to tell him. But I
would. I would as soon as I speak with him.

Now if only he would call me.

*****

Since I couldn't very well study or finish my homework, I decided to do
something I shouldn't be doing: reading fanfic. You don't need to think when
you're reading, you just have to enjoy and live the characters and wasn't I
living them! Mulder had almost died and Scully had been there all the time
and...

*ring*

"Finally!" I yelled out loud happily as I took a deep breath. We don't wanna
sound desperate on the phone, now, do we? Picking up the phone, I glanced at
the computer watch.

7.45pm

So it was a little bit late. And? We could still hang out together for an
hour or so and then have a nice dinner and...

I stopped my thinking as I spoke in the auricular. "Caldwell." I stated with
a smile on my face.

/Hi./

Was it me or did he sound cold? "Hi Kevin. How are you? Where are you?"
Yeah, like *that* didn't sound desperate!

/Well... hmm... I kinda got stuck in the meeting. It's gonna take me a lot
longer than I had expected and... I don't think I'm gonna make it. We're
checking everything for the start of the tour and there are this...
mistakes... and I've go to.../ His voice was distant, cold.

I interrupted him. "You don't need to give me any explanations. You can't
make, it's alright. You still with management?"

/Yeah./

"Ok. It's fine... when... when are we gonna meet?" I mean, he *was* leaving
tomorrow and I hadn't spoken with him yesterday and today he couldn't come
so...

/I... I don't know... you've got classes tomorrow morning, right?/

"Yeah. I've got classes till 5.30pm. What time exactly are you leaving?" My
own voice sounded doubtfully and whatever conviction I had had just a minute
ago had left me as soon as it had appeared. Yep, we were back in square one.

/Ten thirty, but they'll pick me up from my place at nine thirty. We can
meet before that, if ya want?/

If I want? Of course I want! Wasn't he the one who had been hurt because I
had said I couldn't make it yesterday? And now he was half questioning me if
I wanted to meet him before he left for God only knows how long! Damn right
I wanted to meet him! "Yeah, of course. Look, what ya say if ya stop by
at... 6pm? I'll leave from class right away and I'll be here before you
arrive." I didn't want to sound pleading, but I really wanted to see him.

/Hmm.../

Why was he doubting? I felt tears in the back of my eyes as everything fall
into place in front of my eyes. Of course he didn't want to see me! He had
yesterday to think about what AJ had said and had probably came to the
conclusion that I really wasn't worth the time. He was probably thinking of
a nice way to break up with me.

"It's ok if ya can't." I was giving him the opening for him to say no, if he
wanted.

/No, no, it's ok. I'll try to make it. Then I'll see ya?/

"Yeah." I whispered. My voice was dead.

/Ok. Bye./

"Bye."

With that he hung up and I stared down at the receiver in my hand. What the
heck had just happened?

*****

Kevin hung up the phone and rested his head back onto the pillow. He fixed
his gaze with the ceiling as he repeated his conversation with Matt in his
head.

/when are we gonna meet?/

Matt wanted to see him, but Kevin had denied, hadn't he? Kevin sighed. He
looked around his room. He had gotten back from his meeting with management
at 5.50pm, but he hadn't gone over to Matt's. He had gone to his place and
swallowed in self pity.

Why? Because he had been thinking the day before and that very same morning
why everything was going on as it was. Last night and the night before he
had barely slept, his nights being plagued by the nightmares of a night so
many months ago. Greg's voice had been taunting him endlessly, reminding him
he wasn't worth loving, that Matt really didn't love him, that he was only
with him because he thought Kevin was a good man, a good boyfriend, but the
minute the tour started, the minute Kevin left, Matt would realize just what
a great mistake he had done.

And then there were AJ's words, that seemed truer the more he thought about
them, but not because he thought Matt could actually play with him, but
because the age difference *should* matter. Kevin should see just how unfair
he was being by forcing Matt into a relationship that the only future it
hold was lies and deceive.

And now he had told Matt he wasn't gonna see him today, and he had heard
Matt's sadness through the phone. He had wanted to see Kevin, and Kevin had
refused. He had said *maybe* they could see each other tomorrow, when he
didn't want to do *anything* but spend his last hours in Orlando with Matt.

/It's ok if ya can't./

Matt would have let him of the hook easily. He gave Kevin an opening to say
he couldn't make it and they wouldn't meet. Matt wouldn't have been angry if
Kevin couldn't see him before leaving for tour. Matt would have understood
and it broke his heart even deeper.

Closing his eyes tightly, Kevin turned around in his bed and hugged his
legs, burring his head in his knees. He had hurt Matt. He had hurt him, and
Matt hadn't blame him.

As tears started running down his cheeks, he heard Greg's voice in the back
of his mind.

/You aren't worth it. Matt will realize it./

And, not for the first time, he believed the voice.

*****

I looked at my almost full plate. I had barely touched my dinner, my fork
still between my fingers as I picked at the chicken and baked potatoes. I
wasn't hungry. I didn't want to eat. I didn't want to do anything.

"You should eat."

Kate's voice brought me back from my musings as I raised my eyes to hers.
She was worried about me and I could see it in her eyes, in the way her
eyebrows closed slightly within each other and how the left corner of her
mouth switched slightly up.

"I'm not hungry." I stated emotionless as I let my fork fall loudly on the
plate. I picked up my napkin and cleaned my lips with it. Taking a sip of my
orange juice I turned to look out the kitchen window into the back yard. The
moon was already shining and the stars should be too. The pool would be
sparkling under the dim light. It should be a lovely sight. And I wished I
could share it with Kevin.

Damn it! That was why I didn't want to let Kevin in, because I knew, I just
*knew*, there would come a point when Kevin wouldn't want to be with me
anymore and I didn't want it to hurt as much as it was hurting already.

"Matt..." Kate started, perfectly knowing the reason for my lack of
appetite, for my lousy mood, but I didn't let her finish.

"Forget it, ok?" My voice sounded so tired, practically exhausted, but it
was a pale comparison to just how tired I was feeling inside. "Just... just
forget it." I sighed and stood up. "I'm going to bed."

With that I left the table and made my way to my bed way too early for
anyone, after all it was barely nine. I changed quickly and got into bed.

I forced myself not to cry. I wasn't gonna cry about something I knew was
gonna happened. About something I let myself fall into. Because if I hadn't
listened to Kate and Nick, then it wouldn't hurt. Not so much. Not as much I
was hurting right this minute.

*****

Kate saw Matt's retreating back and sighed as she dropped her fork loudly.

'Damn him!' Kate cursed. 'What had happened? What in God's name happened
between saturday night when Kevin wanted to see Matt so badly I could see
him sadden when Matt said he had 'stuff' to do and now when Kevin himself
stood Matt up? What!?'

"Agh!!!!" Kate cried out in frustration, burring her face in her hands.
Everything seemed a huge inquiry and she didn't know where to begin. "What
happened?!"

She stood up and walked over to the sink, where she placed both their
plates. Matt had barely touched his dinner and Kate hadn't been any better.

"What the heck happened!?" she questioned the empty room, as she started
putting the plates in the dish washer. "First Kevin really wanted to see
Matt, and Matt was just too stubborn to accept he does love him. Then, after
me yelling at him, Matt gets some sense in his mind and wants to talk with
Kevin and the *jerk*" she half spitted the word in anger while putting away
the orange juice and the salt. "Doesn't come, fully knowing he's leaving
tomorrow night for months!"

Placing the chicken left over in the fridge, she continued her ranting.
"Crap! What is it with these people!"

After making sure everything was put away, she left the kitchen. "I'm gonna
end up with an ulcer from all this." She muttered to herself as she got into
her room.

Kate changed into her pjs and got into bed. Looking at the ceiling, like she
had so many nights whenever something plagued her mind, she prayed to the
heavens for some help.

Hoping for a better day tomorrow, she turned around and tried to fall
asleep.

*****

I looked out the window. The sun light had been replaced by the dark night
as the hours had passed by. True to my word, I practically run out of
Biology's class as soon as the bell had rang and Kate was already waiting
for me - that's the luxury of having ten hours less per week. We had arrived
home in record time and it was barely five till six.

I sighed as I glanced at the clock that stood in the living room. I had been
trying to finish a book of my always beloved Edgar Allan Poe, but I just
didn't seem to focus. Sucks.

I sighed once again. There were times I wanted time to go in a flash so I
could get home and read a little bit of fanfic, but there were other times
that I prayed for time to stand still and this was one of those times. It
was already a quarter to seven and Kevin hadn't come, let alone called. And
I was really starting to worry.

Maybe things hadn't been as clear as I had thought they were. Kevin didn't
seem to want to see me as much as he did, or as much as I wanted to see him
at the moment. I didn't know what was going on anymore, but it seemed, to me
at least, that Kevin wasn't feeling the way he had before. Maybe he had
realized he didn't like me... or loved me.

I heard the characteristically sound of tires and then an engine being shut
off. It had to be Kevin. Kate was on the back, doing the laundry. Just as I
had predicted, two seconds later the doorbell rang.

Letting my book fall down unceremoniously on the couch I had been occupying,
I walked over to the door. I closed my eyes and let out a small sighed as I
tried to gain strength to get through the rest of the nigh. I opened the
door to revealed the man I had been waiting for. However my breath seemed to
get caught in my throat as I looked at him.

Something was different. Something was *definitely* different.

His usually clear and soft green eyes were a lot darker than I remembered
them, tiredness clearly visible in them under the dim light of the lamp I
had been using to read.

"Come on in." I moved away and he entered the room, walking over to the
living room. I closed the door and joined him on the couch. He had half
seated on my book as he got it from under him.

"You were reading?" Kevin asked as he placed the book on the center table.

I nodded.

He stayed quiet for a minute. "I'm sorry I couldn't come earlier... I..."

I didn't let him finished. "It's ok. You were probably busy." At least that
was what I had been trying to tell myself as minutes ticked by and the night
took over the day while I was all alone watching everything pass by my eyes,
while waiting for him. Waiting for him.

Slowly, and doubtfully I realized, Kevin leaned over and kissed me softly on
the lips. It was an innocent kiss as my lips never parted - not that they
had ever before. A second later he pulled away and gave me a smile. Or he
tried, but failed miserably.

Neither of us said a word as he pulled me to his chest and I let myself lay
down against him. The steady beating of his heart could be heard as my ear
was pressed tightly between his pecs and I felt somewhat relaxed, even
though he seemed a little bit tensed up.

Time passed us rather quickly as he run his fingers through my hair and the
smell of his cologne filled my senses. I think words weren't necessary at
that moment, specially because I really didn't know what I could possibly
tell him.

After a while, Kevin's deep voice broke the silence. "I'm gonna miss you."

I wanted to believe him, I really did. But I wasn't sure if he really did
meant it. "You'll call, right?"

He nodded against the top of my head and once again silence took over.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy being in Kevin's arms. I did. A lot. I
had to, because somehow I knew... I had this incredible gut feeling that
this was gonna be the last time I'd be in his arms. So I better enjoy it
while it lasted. And it lasted very little.

Before either of us knew, the deep sound of the old pendulum clock let us
know it was already eight thirty. Kevin would have to leave any minute now
if he wanted to get to his place with enough time to check out his bags and
whatever it is you do before leaving your house for months at a time.

With heavy heart, I untangled myself from the embrace and sat down properly
on the couch. Kevin sat down as well and looked down at his hands. I cleared
my throat softly, hoping any of us would break the silence. Since Kevin
didn't acknowledge me, I realized it'd have to be me the one who started the
dreadful conversation.

"I guess... hmm... this is it, right?" I whispered.

Kevin raised his eyes to mine and I could see hurt in the stunning green
shade they had taken in just a second. He didn't want to leave. At least
that was what I told myself so the pain wasn't as much as it was. I wanted
to believe Kevin was hurt because he was leaving.

"I'll call as soon as I can." He stated softly.

I nodded. Then gulped, loudly. This was even more difficult than what I had
imagine. I looked down at my hands and didn't know what else to do. So I
didn't do anything.

We didn't say or did anything until a quarter to nine when the clock's eerie
bell was heard in the room. He stood up slowly and offered me his hand,
which I took sadly. I stood up and together, hand in hand, we walked over to
the door. I fixed my gaze with his and knew my heart by breaking little by
little every minute that passed by. He leaned over and kissed me softly,
then kissed me again. When he pulled away, he brought his hand to my face
and caressed my cheek. I smile at the soft touch and closed my eyes slightly
as I responded to the touch. I was gonna miss him. So very much.

"I'll call you." He said again, and his voice sounded so far away. If it was
because he was really hurt or because he didn't know what else to say, I
don't know.

I nodded. "So will I."

He kissed me once again before giving me a small smile, then opening the
door himself, he left. I stood in the threshold as I watched him get in his
car. I stood there until the back lights weren't seen anymore and his face
was just a memory imprinted in the back of my mind. I didn't want to get
into the house, because, somehow, it'd make it all real. The fact he had
left and I missed him already.

With heavy heart I walked back into the house and closed the door. I shut my
eyes tightly, forcing myself not to cry.

With a sigh, I made my way to my bed where, without thinking twice about it,
I got under the soft covers and hugged my legs tightly to my chest. I wasn't
gonna cry, but that didn't mean I wasn't gonna swallow in self pity, right?

*****

Kate sighed as she saw her dear friend ascend the stairs to his room, as she
was sure that was where he was going. Closing the kitchen door quietly, she
made her way to the small table and sat there, while continuing her phone
conversation.

"Kevin's gone. Matt's totally depressed and I'm worried about him." she
stated through the phone. "What happened? What?"

/I don't know Kate. I really don't. And I wished I did./ The male voice said
over the line. Kate heard him sigh as well. /How long was he there?/

Kate checked her wrist watch. "A little bit over an hour and a half. Just an
hour and a half Nick, when Kevin knew perfectly fine he's gonna be gone for
months!" she complained.

/Something is definitely happening. I mean, I was static when you told me
Matt had finally agreed in taking with Kevin. Really talking, and maybe even
telling him he loved him. And now this./ After a while, the young singer
continued. /Do you think AJ has something to do with this?/

"What do you mean?"

/I don't know. Maybe whatever it is they talked about made Kevin think... I
don't know./ His voice held frustration and Kate was able to register it.

"You're saying that maybe Kevin doesn't love Matt anymore?" Anger started
raising within herself at the only thought. If Kevin was so blind he didn't
see what a great guy he had as a boyfriend, then he didn't deserved him.

/No, no! I'm not saying that Kate. I'm not, ok? But you said Kevin told Matt
he talked with AJ and he told Kevin they were rushing things up, right? What
if Kevin thinks AJ's right? What if he just wants to take things... slow?/

"You're wrong Nick. You're wrong. This isn't taking things slow, this is
breaking Matt's heart. And I'm not talking about not spending time with him.
I wouldn't be half this mad if he was busy, God knows we get busy from time
to time as well, but I'm talking about *how* he's acting with him." Kate
sighed. "Matt told me how Kevin spoke with him on the phone, he said Kevin
was distant. That isn't taking it easy, that's being cold. And I don't like
it."

/Look, lets just give them time. Ok? We're here anyway. I can talk with
Kevin if I have to and you can talk with Matt if he gets down./ Nick
suggested to the young girl. Now that he knew about Matt's... problem, he
was planning on helping as much as he could. /Maybe it's because of the
tour. We all get kinda worked up as the tour starts. Kevin takes the worse,
since he's the one management talks to. Just give them time. K?/

Kate sighed, something she had been doing far too often ever since Matt and
Kevin got together. "Ok, I'm giving them that. But if Matt gets down..."

/Then we'll be there for him. Now he's got us *both* on his case Kate, he's
gonna be alright./ Nick stated, leaving no room for questions or
refutations.

Kate smiled at Nick's words and hoped he could see her smile. "Ok. Ok."

/Good./ Nick said as it was his turn to smile. /Now, how are you?/

"Fine. I think. Missing you guys already. How was your trip over to the
folks?" Nick had called her sunday morning to tell her he was taking a small
trip to see his family before leaving for the tour. He had been sad about
not being able to spend some time with both her and Matt before the tour
started.

/It was great! Aaron is huge and the girls are so much taller than I
remember them. I had a great time. It sucks I can't spend more time with
them./

"Hey, at least you saw them before leaving, right?"

/Yep! Now if I could have seen you guys. It's just that my parents wanted me
to say until this morning and then.../

She dismissed it with a soft laugh. "Nick, it's ok. We've been hanging out
together for the past three weeks, it was time you spend time with your
parents." She stood up from the table and walked over to the fridge for a
coke. "You gonna call Matt?"

Nick heard the distinctive sound of the refrigerator opening and he knew
exactly what she was doing. /You're getting a coke./ It was an statement and
he didn't even waited for confirmation as he continued. /Maybe later. I have
the feeling he isn't in any mood to talk with me or anyone for that matter.
Not for a couple of hours maybe./

Kate snorted. "Yeah, you're probably right." Then, remembering Nick's
earlier statement, she spoke. "How did ya know I was getting a coke?"

/You can't live without that stuff. That and I heard the fridge being open,
the only you could get being *this* frustrated is a coke. Am I right?/ He
asked with amusement.

"You've been spending too much time with us kiddo. *Way* too much." Taking a
sip of her coke, she questioned. "What are ya doing exactly?"

/Nothing much. I just finished packing and I'm tired as hell, then I thought
of calling ya and talking with Matt and then you told me about Kevin being
there and well.../

"You packing?" she asked incredulously and with a laugh at picturing the
young blond trying to pack all his belongings.

/Hell yeah! The van is picking me up around nine thirty and I need to be
done by that time. Kevin will kill me if I ain't ready and I don't wanna
start the tour in his bad books!/

She laughed. "How many bags do you have?"

/Ah... hmmm... well.../ She heard him start coughing slightly and Kate
started laughing all over again. /You gotta remember we're gonna be away for
months at a time... so.../ He said nervously.

"Oh my god! How many do you have that you're so nervous about it? It's got
to be a lot of bags. Five? Ten?"

/Well.../ Nick trailed off.

"It's more than that? Oh Gosh! Ok... how many Nick?"

/It's not *that* many. Usually AJ has more bags than me anyway./ With a
sigh, Nick continued. /Twelve./

"Twelve? Well, it's not that many, that's for sure. I was thinking of
something along the lines of twenty or something like it. Specially since
you're away for God knows how long!"

/We'll be gone for about six or seven months, then we've got the world tour.
Actually, this time I'm flying light. Usually my bags aren't under fifteen./

"Why light?"

/I'm planning on going shopping as soon as I get to the major cities./ Nick
said with a grin, and Kate knew it perfectly fine.

"Enjoy your shopping." Kate heard the sound of the pendulum clock indicating
it was already nine. "It's already nine."

/Shit!/

"Watch your mouth Nick." Kate said sternly.

/Sorry. It's late, and I still have to close the house and everything. Kevin
is gonna kill me! I gotta go./

Kate laughed heartily. "You better hurry. Is Kevin getting picked up before
you?"

/Yeah. I think the order is Kevin, Brian, Howie, me and AJ./

"Ok. Take care kiddo, and call me as soon as you can, alright? You better
don't forget of us, little old college students!"

Nick snorted a laugh. /I could never forget you or Matt! I'll call as soon
as we get to the hotel. See ya Kate./

"See ya." With that, Kate hung up the phone, a small smile on her lips.
Maybe Nick was right, maybe things would be alright.

*****

Kevin  got into the van and closed his eyes. Slumping further into the seat,
he rested his head against the soft cushion. He couldn't forget Matt's coal
black eyes shining at him, hurt evidently to whoever care to see.

He felt tears pricking in the back of his eyes and he vowed not to cry. Not
there, not when they were already on their way to Brian's place and as soon
as the young man saw Kevin, he'd questioned about his tears and Kevin
wouldn't know what to tell him. Because he couldn't very easily tell him he
had hurt his boyfriend. He had hurt the man he loved.

After he had left Matt's apartment, he had gone straight to his house and
wept. There wasn't any other word to it, he had wept like a child. He was
gonna be gone for months and the last thing he had seen Matt was a little
bit over an hour and they had barely spoken ten words. The promise of phone
calls, the only thing letting him know they'd stay in touch. And the worse
part of all, was it was his fault. All his fault.

Taking a deep breath, he tried to relax. They would be in the airport in
about an hour and then everything would go as quick as a flash. He had to be
calm enough to actually enjoy this tour, not like the last one. Not like
that one.

Ten minutes later the van stopped and Brian got inside.

"How ya doing cuz?" Brian asked as soon as he took a seat in front of Kevin.

Kevin shrugged. "Fine, I guess."

The young man realized something was going on as soon as he saw Kevin. "You
ok? You didn't fight with Matt, did ya?"

Kevin stopped himself before laughing at the irony. He hadn't gotten mad,
nope, Matt hadn't been angry at him. He should have, but he hadn't. And it
hurt Kevin even deeper. "No." He said softly.

Brian sighed. His cousin could be really difficult some times, and this was
one of the those. Evidently Kevin didn't want to talk about it, and he had
to accept Kevin's decision, as much as it hurt him to see his beloved cousin
in such a state.

Hopefully things would get better with time. Maybe all Kevin needed was to
get used to being away from Matt, specially since they hadn't been apart
more than hours for the past three weeks.

Yeah, hopefully.

*****

Kevin placed his backpack on the high compartment of his seat. After making
sure it wasn't gonna fall down as soon as he open it, he sat down. Looking
out of the window, he gazed down at the Orlando terminal. It was already
eleven thirty and the night seemed darker than usual. Or maybe it was his
mood that was darker than usual, that make it look like the stars weren't
shining like they should, and the moon was hidden behind mysterious clouds
and the wind seemed chilling as he had walked to the plane. He wasn't sure.

He wished he could change so many things. His worries over if it was alright
for him and Matt to date. That he could have talked with Matt about it. That
he could talk with Matt about what happened between him and Greg. That Matt
could have gone with him over to the terminal and set him off. So many
things that he felt like his head was gonna explode.

The guys were already worried about him. At least Brian and Howie were.
Brian had been able to tell something bothered him ever since they were
kids, and it hadn't change as years had gone by. He was dead concern over
Kevin, and he felt horrible about worrying Brian. Howie seemed just as
worried, and he had an idea of the motive. He had probably talked with AJ.
There was AJ did that Howie didn't know about. They were as close as Brian
and Nick were, and sometimes it scared him a little bit that he wasn't that
close to anyone within the group. AJ seemed half please, but Kevin tried not
to think about it. He knew AJ wasn't happy with him dating Matt, but he
didn't care. He loved Matt and that was all that matter.

'Then why didn't you talk with him? Then why did you refuse to spend
yesterday afternoon with him? Why were you so cold with him? If you say
that's all that matters, then why you act like it doesn't?'

He didn't know. For the life of him, he didn't know.

The tour had barely started and Kevin was already feeling depressed about
leaving. And the accusing look in Nick's face didn't help at all. He had
probably already talked with either Kate or Matt himself and knew what had
happened in the past couple of days, Kevin was sure of it. But he hadn't
asked Kevin about it. Thanks God Nick hadn't, because Kevin didn't know what
he would have answer him. And the last thing he needed was Nick telling him
just how bad Matt was feeling or how hurt he was. Kevin didn't need to be
reminded of what he had done. He didn't need to be reminded of the hurt look
and the soft voice.

Kevin closed his eyes and rested his head against the soft pillow provided
by the airline. Maybe he could sleep during the whole flight, and by the
time he woke up everything would be fine once again. Maybe


*****

I know this chapter was short, but it was a good point to end it. The next
one will probably be a little bit longer.

Send me any comments or questions at: jmfluder@hotmail.com and check out my
page at:
www.geocities.com/sdlucly/

Take care and investigate.

M. F. Luder