Date: Mon, 05 Feb 2001 00:08:37
From: M. F. Luder <jmfluder@hotmail.com>
Subject: Boybands. Just the truth. Chapter 12

Hi people!

As you can see this chapter didn't take too long. Hopefully the next one
will be out next week. It'd probably be a little bit longer if things go the
way I've planned them.

Thanks to SD, you're great girl. Just keep it up and I'll probably won't end
up in the nut house. Jon, you're great. I don't think what I'll do without
you.

About the feedback, I've noticed you people aren't writing me anymore
*sniff, sniff* Is it that you don't like the story? What? Send me a post and
tell me about it! Coz if you don't, then this will probably the last chapter
I'll post. No, it is not a treat, I'm just... proposing a commitment. Give
me your ideas at: jmfluder@hotmail.com

I don't know them. I have never met them. I don't know if the they're gay,
but I wanna believe Kevin and Nick are happily married. *evil grin*

Check out my page: www.geocities.com/sdlucly/

Now with the story...

Just the truth
By M. F. Luder

Chapter 12

*****

My mind was half paying attention to whatever Nakamatzu was trying to teach
us, something along the lines of the ph in the blood cells and stuff like
that, when I felt my cell phone vibrate on my jacket. Standing up as quietly
as I could, I walked out of the room as I opened the small device.

"Caldwell."

/Hey! It's good to talk with ya./

I was surprised when I recognized the voice. "Nick? Is that you?"

/You don't see me for three days and are already forgetting me? How can you
do that?/ Nick tried to sound hurt, but I could tell he was just joking.

"I didn't forget you kiddo. I was just surprised you called me this early,
shouldn't you be doing something?" I questioned as I checked my watch.
10.15am

/Nope, I just woke up, to tell you the truth. I told Kate I'd call as soon
as I got to the hotel, but we got there around one am Easter time. Thought
she'd kill me if I called her so early./

"You were right, she would have skinned you alive. What time is there,
anyway?" If Nick had already woken up, didn't that mean Kevin would as well?

/Hold on a sec./ I heard some movement on the other side of the line, then
Nick's voice once again. /Eight something. We're supposed to meet in Kevin's
room in ten minutes./

Meet in Kev's room in ten minutes. Which means Kevin is already up. He could
have called me, but he hadn't. He had said he'd call, but when? When?

/Matt?/

Nick's voice brought me back to the present. "Sorry. Hmm... how was the
flight?"

/Fine, you could say so. After we got here, we went right to bed. At least
we got eight hours of sleep. That's more than some other days./

"I can imagine." I walked to one of the side walls of the hallway and leaned
against it. "Did ya talk with Kate?"

/Yep. Just called her, actually. She got something Analysis, right?/

"Yeah. Math analysis. She says she's gonna die before finishing that course.
She's in MA1 and you've got to take four of those."

/Poor Kate./

"Poor Kate? Poor me! I've got to study five years more than her!" I half
complained. I knew I complain about it sometimes, but I loved what I was
studying.

I heard Nick laugh. /Yeah, you're probably right./ After a second, he
questioned. /How are ya?/

I sighed. "I miss him." I accepted it. There was no point in denying it,
since I was sure he knew I was missing him like crazy.

It was his turn to sigh. /I know you probably do. It'll take some time
getting used to it, but you'll be fine. I'm sure Kevin misses you as well./

He does? Really? Then why hasn't he called? Why? Good questions, don't you
think?

When I didn't answer, Nick continued. /Has he called you?/

"No." My voice emotionless.

/He's probably worried about you missing class. He's always paranoid about
school. I'm sure he's trying to imagine when it'd be the best for him to
call you./ He was trying to make it up to me, I knew it. It was pointless.
/When I see him, I'll tell him to call you. No matter the time, right?/

"Right." It was the truth, I didn't care about the time. He could call me in
the middle of Anatomy and I wouldn't mind as long as he *called* me.

/Kate told you I called yesterday?/

"Yeah. Told me you thought I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone. You were
right." I walked over to the classroom's door and looked through the small
window. The class seemed pretty boring and, for a minute, I didn't want to
get in. "I was..."

/Sad. I know. It takes some time getting used to being away from the one you
love./

He seemed to be talking from experience. "Was it so difficult with your
girlfriend?"

He sighed. /It was, at the beginning. Then you get used to it./ 'Or break
up' thought the blond, but didn't said the words. No need to tell Matt that
when they had barely been away from each other a couple of hours.

Somehow, I was sure I wasn't gonna get used to it anytime soon.

I heard him laugh. /I'm talking like you've got nothing to do! You're
probably in the middle of a class, right?/

"Yeah, actually I was in chemistry."

/Chemistry? I always hated that subject. I better leave you, besides, I
gotta leave for Kev's room. Talk with ya later, right?/

"Sure. I'll call ya."

/Yeah, don't worry about the time. Ok? Just call. Crap!, it's getting late.
Gotta go. Take care man./

"Bye Nick." With that I hung up and looked at my cell phone for a minute.

'Why aren't you calling Kevin?' I questioned myself. Placing it back in my
jacket pocket, I went into the class.

*****

Nick hung up the phone and stared at it for a moment. Something was
definitely going on, that was sure. He knew perfectly fine that Kevin could
have called Matt already. They usually met in his room around 8.30am, unless
they had something to do earlier, had breakfast and discussed the day's
schedule. Which meant Kevin would be up around seven, so he had time to
shower, change and called room service. He had to talk Kevin and right away.

Debating between calling Kate once again and talk about what had happened,
supposing there was something they hadn't spoken about in their last call,
he decided against it. He knew Kate didn't like MA so much and it'd be
better if he let her focus on the class. Besides, it wasn't like he had any
news. Kate had told him how somber and quiet Matt had been during breakfast
and in the car ride over to college. She was dead worried about him and Nick
was starting to worry himself. Matt sounded so... not him over the phone.
Usually he'd be laughing or smiling, and Nick knew you could almost see his
smile over the phone. That was the Matt he knew, laughing at any silly
stuff. But that wasn't the Matt he had just hung up on. He wasn't.

Knowing he had to talk with Kevin about whatever it was that was going on
between those two, he left his room and made his way over to Kevin's.

By the time he go there, the rest of the guys were already there, so he
couldn't very easily talk with Kevin about it. He sighed. They'd talk about
it later.

About forty minutes later, the guys left Kevin's room. They had a small
interview and a photo shoot at ten and Kevin had told them to go change. As
soon as the three members of the group had left, Nick walked over to where
his older friend was seated.

"Kev?"

The older man looked up from his agenda. "Is something wrong Nick?"

'You have no idea.' He thought. "I talked with Matt this morning." Nick
stated.

Kevin froze. Visibly. "Oh."

'I would have guess you'd have known, don't you think?' "He said you haven't
called him."

A thousand thoughts were running through Kevin's mind. Nick was right, he
hadn't called him. He hadn't called him because he was afraid. More than
afraid, he was terrified. "I was about to... but got caught up with the
whole schedule. I'll call him later."

"Sure. He just wanted me to let you know that it doesn't matter if you call
him in the middle of a class. He wants to talk with ya." Nick's voice was
soft and half pleading.

Kevin nodded. "I will."

"Cool." With that Nick left Kevin's room, hoping and praying his older
friend would do as he had just said.

Kevin sighed as soon as the door was closed. Burring his face in his hands,
he tried to keep his breathing steady.

'No need to panic. You know this was bound to happen at some point. Matt and
Nick are really good friend and they *are* going to talk about whatever it
is going on. And the fact that you haven't called your very own boyfriend
when his friend has, is something to talk about.'

But that didn't help. Because he had had the time to call Matt. Kevin had
woken up around ten to seven, bright and early. After showering and
changing, he had about forty minutes before the guys arrived at his room.
Enough time to call Matt. He had picked up the receiver and stared at it for
about ten minutes before hanging up with long sigh. He couldn't do it.

Why? Because somewhere in the back of his mind, he kept thinking that maybe
Matt would be better without him.

And he believed it. And the fact that the voice was somehow sounded like
Greg, had to do with it.

*****

I looked at my book for the nth time, and now, I was really starting to fear
I might fail Chemistry. You see, I haven't been able to focus on that damn
subject. I was supposed to know Electrochemistry, Kinetic and Chemistry
Equilibrium. I was hating it all and I was lost in it all. I just couldn't
remember. I had studied. A lot. But that wasn't helping

That, and the fact that it was already Wednesday afternoon and Kevin hadn't
called yet. I had been thinking about calling him myself, but was afraid of
interrupting anything important. So I had been waiting.

Kate was worried about me and I could tell. She's always worried about me
and I appreciate it, but right now all I wanted was to swallow in self pity.

I've been having all this thoughts running through my mind. I haven't told
Kate half of them, of course. It's the usual for me and I could pretty much
tell you I was right in the first place: dating him wasn't my brightest
idea. I mean, we'd barely be together and with all the problems I have with
my very own persona, I don't think I can deal with anything else. I truly
don't.

What I was really able to talk about with Kate was the fact that I was sure
this shouldn't have started in the first place. We're far too different and
I'm far to scare to be in a relationship. She yelled at me, as I had guessed
she would. She kept telling the same thing over and over again, saying that
all I had to do is try to deal with it. That my whole inferiority complex
and low self steam could be deal with. She says I'm just too pessimistic.
But I ain't!, I'm just realistic. I feel, I know, I can't be loved. I just
can't.

"Agh!" My hands clenched into fists as I started rubbing my eyes forcefully.
My head was hurting after everything that had been going on and my eyes were
starting to cloud. Just peachy.

"You ok?" I heard her voice and I didn't need to turn around to know that
her soft brown eyes had taken darker color. It happened whenever she's
really worried about me.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I'm about to fail Chemistry, but I'm fine." I said
sourly. I opened my eyes as I felt her hand on my shoulder. "I hate my
life."

She laughed slightly. "You say that everytime we hit mid terms of finals. So
do I. You don't mean it. I know it."

I looked at her and realized she had brought me some grape Gatorade. What a
sweetheart! "Thanks." I took the bottle from her hands and took a big gulp.
I love this stuff. "Besides, we ain't in finals yet."

She sighed. "He hasn't called?"

I didn't say anything for a minute. I looked at the bottle like it held the
secrets of the government conspiracy.

"He will, he's probably just busy."

She knew it wasn't that. We both knew. Nick had not only called yesterday
morning, but also last night, and today after we had gotten home from
college. They didn't have hours of free time, but twenty minutes here and
there were enough to make a phone call. Nick had been able to call us, I
still didn't understand why Kevin hadn't.

"You aren't any better either."

Just what I needed, her talking about the same old thing. "He's busy." I
stated. I didn't want to talk to her about it.

"No he's not and you know it. You're just hiding yourself in your cocoon and
you know it. You could have call him." Her voice held no misunderstandings
and I knew there was no way I could get out of the lecture that was waiting
for me. "Call him. Call him and talk with him."

I stayed quiet. She was right. She knew that and *I* knew that. I was hiding
and hoping against hope that this was all a dream and the minute I woke up
I'd be alone like I've always been. It was that better than realizing he
didn't want to be with me anymore. I don't think I could deal with that.

She kneeled in front of me and placed her hands in either side of my face,
forcing me to look right at her. "He cares for you. He really does. But
you've got to meet him halfway. You know that."

I only nodded. But it hurt. And it was tougher than anything I had ever had
to fight before. Because even though I've know about all my emotional
problems for years already, I never see the need to fight them. I could live
my life with them and I could live it fine. But now, now it was totally
different. If I really wanted *this* to work, I had to do something about
it.

"I'll try."

She smiled at me and kissed my softly on the nose. "That's all I'm asking
for."

I saw she was about to say something else when the phone rang. I picked up
the receiver and held it against my right ear. "Caldwell."

/Hi Matt./

I froze. I knew that voice. Kate saw my reaction and smiled. She was
literally beaming with happiness.

'Be nice.' She mouthed and I nodded. She gave me one last smile and left the
study so I could have some privacy.

"Hi Kevin." My voice sounded tentatively and I wasn't surprised one bit. I
didn't really know how to react, but I knew Kate would kill me if I said
something I wasn't supposed to. "How ya doing?"

/Fine. Look Matt, I'm sorry. I really am. I know I should have call you
yesterday or last night, but between the beginning of the tour and the whole
scheduling, I just didn't have time. I'm sorry./

I smiled to myself as I heard the words leave his lips. He was sorry and he
wanted to call me. That was all I needed. For now, at least. "It's ok, I
thought so. I didn't call you afraid I might get you in a bad time."

/No need to worry, really. If you want to call me, feel free to do it./ I
heard him sigh. /I know Nick has been calling you./

"Yeah, the kiddo hasn't forgotten about little old us. We've been talking
about either college or your tour usually." I placed the receiver between my
right shoulder and my ear, as I took a hold on the Gatorade bottle and
drank.

/Yeah, he told me about it./ He stood quiet for a moment. /What were you
doing?/

"Nothing much, just studying."

/Sorry, I didn't want to interrupt you./

I sensed he was really feeling bad about it, so I proceeded to correct that.
"Don't feel bad. I was *trying* to study, to tell you the truth. I can't
seem to focus on anything lately." And you not calling has nothing to do
with it, so don't worry.

/Are the subjects so bad?/

Actually, they are pretty easy, is me how's 'bad' right now. "Kinda. I've
never really liked Chemistry so much, but I manage. I think I just need some
time to check things through, besides it's pretty late and my brain can't
work at this time without any coke in it."

/Do you have a test tomorrow?/

"A quiz, but nothing too fancy." Which was the truth. I wasn't worried about
that quiz, I knew I could manage, what I was really worried about was
Chemistry's final. I didn't even want to think about it.

Neither of us said anything for the longest time, and let me tell you it
wasn't a comfortable silence. It was an imposed silence. And I didn't like
it one bit.

"What were you doing?" This questions, this stupid questions we were asking
each other seemed meaningless. It seemed pointless. We should be talking
about a thousand different things, but we weren't we were talking to each
other like we were a couple of estrangers. And, for a minute, it felt like
it.

/We're about to leave for the venue, thought I could give you a call./

Well, if it isn't nice of you Mr. Richardson. I know, I know, sarcasm
doesn't suit me.

"How's the tour going?" Once again, another stupid question. Nick had told
me everything there was to know about the concerts and just how much fun he
was having.

/It's doing alright. We're having minor problems with light, but nothing to
worry about./

Once again, silence engulfed us and I felt myself become more frustrated as
seconds ticked by. But then again, I wasn't helping either, was I?

/Look, hmm... I've gotta go. I'll call you later, ok?/

"Sure, I gotta study anyway. Take care."

/You too. Bye./

"Bye." With that I hung up and looked at the phone in my hands. We were
drifting apart and I was letting it happen. I was letting it happen.

I tried to forget about the phone call. I tried to forget the cold tone in
his voice. I tried to forget about the meaningless conversation we had for
the first time in two days. But, most important of all, I tried to forget
about the fact that I noticed Kevin didn't say he love me. I try to pretend
it didn't hurt.

So I closed out every single memory I could have about Kevin and tried to
focus on my book, needing to study for tomorrow's test.

About twenty minutes later I hadn't even moved from the page I was. I sighed
in total despair as my head started pounding even more. I rubbed my temple
slowly as I closed my eyes, hoping for the pain to go away. I had enough
with the fact that it was already eight at night and I barely knew half what
they were gonna ask me in the exam. Don't get me wrong, I love what I'm
doing, but anyone can understand me when I say that exams can be really
tough, a total pain in the ass.

Tiredness was starting to take over as I heard the study's door open. I knew
she was gonna get here any time now, after all, she'd want to talk with me
about what Kevin said. And that'd be a very short conversation, since we
didn't talk that much.

"Dinner will be ready in half an hour." She announced and I heard her
sneakers against the soft wood floor. After a second, I felt her hand on my
shoulder and I didn't need to open my eyes to know that she was sitting in
her chair.

"Thanks."

"You ok?"

I raised my eyes to hers and she gave me a small smile. I returned the smile
as I spoke. "Not really. My head is hurting, I'm tired and tomorrow I've got
chemistry exam."

"Wanna take some pain killers?" she stood up and walked over to stand behind
me. Placing her hands on my shoulders, she started massaging them.

I had always told her she could very easily drop from college and become a
professional massager. She's that great. I moaned softly as I felt
everything that had been building up in my system leave me through her
hands. "You're magical girl."

She laughed softly. "I'll keep that in mind the next time you get on my
nerves. Anyway, want any pills?"

"Nah, it'll go away. All I need is finish the last two chapters of this
stupid book and then head over to bed." After she was done with my
shoulders, she started pressing my skull softly. I don't know how she do it,
but my headache seem to mild down. Tenderly she located my head in her chest
as she started running her fingers through my hair. It was so mercerizing
that I had to fight the urge just to close my eyes and let sleep take over
me.

"What did he say?"

You didn't need to be a rocket scientist to know who she was talking about.
I sighed once again. What was there to tell. I shrugged. "Nothing much. Tour
is going fine. I told him about tomorrow's test. That was about it."

"That was it?" her voice held total confusion and I smiled at her words.

"Yeah. That was it."

"You didn't talk much, did you? I heard the phone being hung up about twenty
minutes ago. You talked... what?... five minutes?" Her voice was softer this
time and her fingers didn't stop at any moment.

"Pretty much." I half slurred as sleep was really starting to be so very
tempting. I pulled away from her chest as I turned around. Rubbing my eyes,
I spoke. "I'm starting to fall asleep love, and I still have to study."

"I know." I heard her sigh and the minute I looked up to her, I notice she
was even more worried about me than she had been before the phone call. "He
didn't say why he didn't cal earlier?"

"He was busy. I already knew that." I stiffen a yawn as I started arranging
everything in my desk. All kinds of papers were scattered around as well as
my notebook and my books. I picked up the papers, that were notes and
photocopies from some other books, since I had already checked those out, I
placed them in one of my files and put it in the bookshelf.

"They don't belong there. If you wanna keep them, then file them. If you're
gonna throw them away, then put it in the trash already." Her voice was
stern and she have me half a glare. It was because of her that the house was
still standing, I was way too messy to be able to handle a whole house by
myself.

"I'll decide later." I stated as picked up my marker and tried to continue
my studying, but I knew Kate had other ideas. And she prove me right only
seconds afterwards.

"He should have called. Nick had time to call. You could have call."

I sighed and let the marker drop onto the desk. "I'm not in the mood for
this tonight Kate. I've got to study and --"

"And you wouldn't have to listen to me if you had done as I had suggested.
Talk with him." I was about to say something when she cut me off. "I mean
*really* talk. Not that mindless 'how are you doing' stuff. You know exactly
what I mean. He's your boyfriend, you should be able to trust him."

Yeah, right! Like that's a possibility. I was *way* too scare to talk about
it with anyone. After all, the only one who knew everything was Kate.

She took my silence as her answer and she sighed in half trauma. She always
tells me I'm gonna give her a coronary one of this days, and I keep telling
her to wait a couple more years and I'll be able to cure it.

Before she could say anything, I spoke. "What ya say if I help you with
what's left of the dinner? I'm about to fall asleep over here."

She gave me sad smile and I knew she was still a bit concern about me. "You
sure you don't wanna study a little bit? You said you still don't know
Electrochemistry."

"Nor Kinetic or Chemistry Equilibrium, but I know I won't accomplish
anything right now. My eyes are closing and I'm hungry. Not a nice
combination."

She got a laugh out of it and I smiled at her, at least she wasn't so worry
about me. Sure, she was, but she was laughing, which always was a good
indication. "Ok you big lug. Let's go."

*****

It was almost three in the morning before I actually hit the sack. I had
study as much as I possibly could without having permanent brain damage in
the near future. I was dead tired and the moment my head hit the pillow, I
wanted to fall asleep.

But just like in my life, things don't happen the way I want them. I
couldn't sleep. Not one bit. How was that possible? It had been a miracle I
hadn't fallen asleep in the middle of dinner and on top of the roasted
chicken. Kate and I didn't talk about the phone call or its implications.
She knew I wasn't in the best mood and also knew better than to push it. She
told me about this project of hers she's got to finish for next week. She
was just glad it was personal.

I turned around my bed for the nth time. I was exhausted, but I still
couldn't fall asleep. Just great.

After a lot of tribulations, I decided to lay on my left side. I looked up
at my bedside table and saw the phone there. Somewhere in the back of my
mind, and maybe of my heart too, I hoped it'd ring. I wouldn't be mad if he
call me right then and there. Not even though I was dead on my feet and my
bed seemed like ambrosia for me in that second. Not even though my eyes were
closing and my mind felt numbed. Why? Because I wanted to talk with him. I
wanted to know he cared.

But it didn't. And my heart broke.

*****

I checked out the laundry machine once again. It'd take at least thirty more
minutes before that set of clothes was ready. Kate had gotten really mad at
me this morning because she had been looking for her white long sleeve shirt
(not that she didn't have enough of those) and hadn't found it. After
checking out the laundry basket, she realized I hadn't done the laundry in
over two weeks. She had yelled at me about not doing anything on the house
for the past weeks and she had been right. So now I had about a ton of
clothes to wash. I had already been in it for about two hours and I wasn't
even done with half of it.

She had been right, though. With the couple of quizzes I had had this past
weeks, I hadn't been able to think about anything but college. Still, it
wasn't an excuse. Kate did the cooking and most of the cleaning around the
house and washing the dishes and laundry was my responsibility. But I hadn't
full fill it one bit.

Acknowledging that I had at least a couple more hours here, I picked up my
book from where I had let it fall. I had been trying to finish "The end of
Eternity" by Isaac Asimov. I had long ago finished Poe's book, so I started
with this one. It seemed great, but haven't had the time to actually get any
reading done.

As I started the third chapter, I couldn't help but think about what had
been going on with my life for the past couple of weeks. It was a little bit
over a month since the guys for the tour. Nick had been calling almost on a
daily basis and it looked like our friendship was really doing great. I know
that Nick and Kate had talked even a lot more than Nick and me or the three
of us (having extensions in the house does help), and I had a little bit of
an idea on what they had talked about.

However, things weren't going so great between Kevin and me. In the past
month he had only called me seven times. Yeah, seven. I hadn't been much
better either, since I had only called him three times. My excuse? That I
could catch him in a bad time. His excuse? Pretty much the same.

We were lousy together and I had just begin to notice.

Our phone calls had been pretty much like the first one. A couple of 'how
are you' and 'I'll talk with ya later' and that was it. Nothing big. Nothing
important. But, most of all, nothing personal. And I wasn't sure if I liked
it or hated it. Maybe even both.

But I think, what hurt me the most, was that not once, not even once since
he had left for the tour, had he said he loved me.

I got out my cell phone from my front pocket and looked at it for a minute.
I wanted to call him. I wanted to talk with him, really talk with him. Not
that mindless stuff we had been trying to pass as conversation. But I
didn't.

I knew I missed him. I knew I missed his arms around me, and his soft and
deep voice, and the way he make me feel all mushy in the inside whenever I
looked at him, and the way he kissed me. I knew it, but I didn't want to
think about it. So I didn't.

I placed my phone back in my pocket and tried to focus on my book.

Our relationship was going down hill. And fast.

*****

Entering the room, Kevin threw his gym bag against a nearby chair and made
his way over to the bed. They had just arrived from another concert and he
was dead tired. AJ and Howie had left to go clubbing and promised to arrive
before dawn, but Kevin told them before two. Nick and Brian had made their
way to their joined suit and decided to go right into bed.

Kevin, despite just how tired he was, seemed alert enough for his mind to
process stuff he had been dreading to think about.

Matt.

Things between the two of them hadn't been in their best grace and Kevin
knew it was mostly his fault. His fears had taken a troll on him and now
were controlling him completely. He had tried to fight, but the voices and
thoughts running through his mind were just too strong to fight them.
Specially alone. Talking with Brian had been out of the question ever since
it happened and, talking with Matt... well, he just didn't want to think
about it.

The guys pretty much had an idea of what was going on between the two of
them. Specially whenever Brian asked Kevin how Matt was doing and it was
Nick who ended up answering the question. Kevin had been surprised more than
once about things Matt had done or was planning on doing, things he didn't
know about, but Nick knew every little detail there was to know.

He sighed. His younger friend knew more about his boyfriend's life than he
did himself. And it was all his fault.

The past month hadn't been easy for him either. He had been moping around
and pretty much closed up to anyone. The guys had noticed that too and Brian
had tried to talk with him about. The younger man was sure it had to do with
the fact that Kevin was missing Matt, but even Brian was starting to suspect
there was something deeper than that. And he was right.

Between the whole guilty trip about what had happened with Greg and now with
what was going on with Matt, Kevin's life was a total disaster. Besides
taking care about management stuff and performing, he was trying to spend
his free time alone in either his hotel room or his bunk. Even Howie had
talked with him about it, also thinking it had to do with Matt, but it
hadn't help.

AJ was pretty much quiet. Kevin had the idea that maybe he was feeling
guilty about what he had told Kevin back in his house. Kevin had the idea
that Howie had been talking long and hard with AJ for the past couple of
weeks, since he had caught the younger man stealing glances at him from time
to time. Maybe even debating to either talk with him again about it or not.
Kevin wasn't sure, and he hadn't given it much thought either. If there was
something he was gonna worry about, was gonna be Matt.

However Nick, Nick was something else entirely different. Even though he
hadn't spoken a word about the subject with Kevin, he had done enough just
by looking at him. His baby blue eyes could tell him more than a thousand
words. Nick was feeling bad for both of them, that was for sure. Kevin knew
for a fact that Nick's relationship with Matt was very close. And with Kate
was even closer, if that was possible. And, being Kate such a close friend
of Matt, it was obvious the two of them had talked about what was going on
between both him and Matt.

After all, putting Nick and Kate together, you had most of the facts. Kate
was there with Matt to know what the young man was going through, and Nick
was touring with Kevin to know about his withdrawing from the group and
everything slightly close to living. Not that Kevin was enjoying it, but
moping around was better when you're alone.

Kevin sighed as he turned around in the bed once again. He was missing Matt,
that was for sure. He was missing him terribly, but he just couldn't force
himself to say the words.

/You're not worth it./

Greg's voice run through his mind once again as he tried his best to ignore
it. Pressing his hands against his ears, he attempted to shut the voice out.

/You know it's the truth. You're a lousy boyfriend. Always has, always will.
He's already noticing this, otherwise why do you think Nick knows more about
him than yourself? He deserves someone better. Anyone but you./

Tears were pricking in the back of his eyes as the voice kept haunting him.
It wasn't a minute later that he was shedding them, just like he had for the
past month.

'He's right.' Kevin thought sadly. 'Matt deserves much better.' Letting the
tears run its course, his mind continue believing the voice. 'He deserves
much better.'

And he believed it. He blindly believed that voice in the back of his mind.

*****

I stood up from my desk and made my way over to the bookshelf.

"It's got to be here. I know I left it here!" I aloud to no one in
particular as I started rummaging through the thousands of papers and book I
had in my bookshelf. Kate had hers and, if you compare both of them, you'd
think a tornado hit mine. "I know it's here!"

"What did you loose this time? Your green elephant?"

I heard her said that and I knew she was laughing. That little bugger. She'd
always told me I could pretty easily loose an elephant in my mess and I
wouldn't notice until I actually bumped into it.

"Ha. Ha. Ha. Very funny." I kept throwing papers into the floor as I
continued my search for that missing link.

"No, really. What are you looking for? Maybe I've seen it." She smiled at me
then made her way over to her desk, placing her coke on top of a piece of
paper, we had long ago misplaced our glass holders.

I sighed. "Do you remember my Anatomy's notes? I had them here two days ago
after class. I remember placing them there." I pointed to one of my many
files on the bookshelf. "But now is gone."

"You sure you didn't transcribed it?" she took a swing of her coke and
turned the page in her notebook, she had Physics final short quiz tomorrow
and she had been practicing since we got home. After all finals were only
two weeks away.

"No, I'm sure. I didn't have time and I wanted just to staple it to the
book." I had gone over to the library to find some stuff I had been missing
from the last bone fracture class. I needed right away since I had another
quiz tomorrow.

She gave me her full attention as she turned around in her chair and looked
at me right in the eye. "If it isn't there, then what about your notebook.
You know how you usually place every single paper in there."

"I've looked already. It isn't!" I had looked twice through all my papers
and I haven't found it yet.

She groaned. "It could be right under your noses and you'd never see it. You
know you're blind!"

I glared at her as she giggled. "Stop it! I'm not going blind." Yeah, right!

"Yeah, right!"

It was my time to groan, I hate it when she reads my mind like that!

"You know, all those ungodly hours in the computer is finally taking its
troll and the price is gonna be a high one. You're gonna end up blind one of
this days." I was about to interject when she continued. "And don't tell me
you aren't seeing the effects already. I know you're having some problems
seeing in large distances." Saying that, she moved over to my desk and got
out my Anatomy notebook. Which wasn't hard, since it was the one with Mulder
carrying Scully in his arms. Yeah, I have pictures of X-Files plastered in
all my notebooks, thank you very much.

After going through my papers, and I was about to yell out in victory since
she hadn't found my notes, she picked up three sheets clasped together by a
staple. Moving them in front of my face, so I could see what was written
there, she gave me a victory smile.

I glared at her once again as I snapped the sheet of paper away from her.
"Thank you." I said coolly.

She laughed at me as she made her way back to her desk. "I'm telling you.
Either you stop being on the computer so much or you're gonna end up totally
blind by the time you hit thirty."

"I'll take my chances, thank you very much." I sat at my desk as I started
re-reading my notes. "I was right!" I yelled out happily as I realized
something I hadn't been so very sure about during my previous studying.

She laughed absently as she started on the next problem.

I focused my mind on the two chapters I still hadn't finished studying. I
still had time, thanks god!, since it was only seven thirty. Kate was
probably gonna stay until around two, I'd stay around the same time, unless
I had some trouble with the classes.

It was nine thirty before we left the study to go to dinner. Sure, we had
left when ran out of coke or had to go to the bathroom, but besides that, we
had study for three hours in a row.

As we sat down at the table to eat yesterday's left over, I realized Kate
was remembering the formulas from Physics. How do I know? Her lips were
moving, mouthing the words, but no words were coming out of them as she was
picking at her food. I could recognize that, since I've done that myself
before.

"Could you forget those formulas for a moment? You're gonna give yourself a
headache." I said absently while not even looking up from my plate.

I heard her laugh. "Sorry, I'm afraid I'm gonna forget them the minute I
stop thinking about them."

"Come on! You know you'd do great, after all you've only had trouble with a
couple of those problems." I knew for a fact, since everytime she was having
some problem with an exercise, she'd groan in frustration. And I've only
heard her twice, three tops.

"Yeah, but you know what happens everytime the exercises are easy."

She was right. We had come to the conclusion that whenever the exam seemed
like a piece of cake, it was anything but it. "You'll do fine. I'm sure of
it." After taking a bite of my spaghetti, I asked. "How long are you
planning on staying?"

"Not much, hopefully. I think I'll be done around twelve."

"Same here. Unless I've got trouble with the last chapter."

We ate in silence until she decided to but in my private life. "How are
things doing with Kevin?"

I sighed. Just what I needed. "Fine."

"You're lying." We both knew that was an statement, not a question. "It's
been over a month an a half Matt, you've got to talk with him."

"We talk." I said as I tried to avoid the subject, not once looking up from
my plate.

"Yeah, you say hello, tell him how boring your class was then hung up. What
a great relationship you've got." Sarcasm dripping all over the kitchen.

"Kate." I warned her.

"No Matt. Look, I know it's not the best of times, but finals are coming
closer and we both know that the minute classes stop and the exams are a
reality, you won't have the time to think about anything but them and you
two need to talk. Really talk."

"I'll deal with it."

"When?"

"Soon."

Finally she let it drop as we continued to our meal. But I couldn't just
forget about it. I had been thinking the same thing over and over again: we
sucked in a relationship. I knew most of it was my fault, after all I was
the one with the mental issues, but I just couldn't bring myself to tell
him. I'd deal with it. I knew I would. Besides, answers always find when I'm
not looking.

After our small dinner, we made our way back to the study. I sat down at my
desk and decided to continue my studying. However, once again, I didn't seem
to able to focus. I started at the phone sitting by one of my books. I
stared so long at it that I was starting to loose focus on it.

I shook my head as I tried to come to earth. As I looked at the damn phone
once again, I realized I was missing Kevin. And a lot.

I sighed quietly, knowing perfectly fine that the last thing I needed was
Kate on my case. But I did wanted to call him. I wanted to call him and tell
him just how much I was missing. And how much I loved him. How much I wanted
this, *us*, to work out. But, once again, I didn't do it.

Telling myself I had to study and not worry about anything else *but*
Anatomy, I started reading my notes once again. But it was a lie.

*****

Kevin laid down on his bed as his eyes started closing slightly. He had
barely had two hours of sleep last night, or the past month and a half, and
it was starting to show. Even though he was withdrawing more and more from
the guys, they could see it in everything Kevin was doing. From not saying a
word to them, unless it was work related, to the point of seeing clearly as
the day the huge bags under Kevin's eyes.

Brian, of course, had tried to talk with him. But Kevin had refused
profusely, saying that he was just tired ought to the tour. He was sure
Brian hadn't believed him, but at least he hadn't pressed further.

He turned around in the bed and looked at the phone standing on the bedside
table. He could pretty easily call Matt, after all Matt had told Kevin he
shouldn't care about the time, but instead of picking up the receiver, he
only stared at it. He could call him and they could talk. And laugh, like
they used to before they started dating. And trust each other, like they had
that night when Kevin cried on Matt's shoulder.

But he didn't. He didn't call him. Because he couldn't. Because he had
convinced himself that Matt deserved better.

So instead of calling, he stood up and made his way out of the room,
deciding on waiting for the guys on the lobby to go to the photo shoot.

*****

I sighed as I looked at the phone standing right in front of me in my desk.
Yesterday's test had gone well, as far as I knew. After all the study I had
done for that stupid Anatomy test, it had to go well. And ever since I had
been thinking of my current romantic position. And finally, after a lot of
tribulations and unanswered questions, I came to a decision.

Now, all I had to do was to actually pick up the phone and call him.

I had been locked in the study looking at the phone and hopping to find the
courage to actually call him for the past half an hour.

I sighed once again as I picked up the receiver and started dialing the
number. Now all I was asking for was that he could answer, the last thing I
needed was having to leave a message to him. I didn't want that.

I waited three rings before loosing what little courage I had and was about
to hung up as I heard a click on the back.

/Hello./

"Hi." Good Matt, now lets make sure your voice doesn't waver.

/How are you?/

Nothing had changed. I had hopped it would, but nothing had changed. If I
was doubting my decision a second ago, now I had my answer.

"Fine. Actually, I wanted to talk with you."

/Sure./

I took a deep breath. "About us."

I heard him gasp and I knew I had totally caught him off guard. /Oh./

Yeah, oh. "We... we haven't been talking too much with each other."

Silence.

Good, let me continue. "I never thought having a long distance relationship
would be so hard, and I guess I underestimated it. I guess I thought I could
deal with it. But I can't. I can't. Not anymore."

Silence again.

Not a word was said and I felt like my tears would start making their way
down my cheeks anytime now. "I'm sorry. I guess we're far to different.
We've barely talked over the past month and a half. Maybe we're better as
friends."

Silence.

God, say something!

"Maybe you're right."

At least he said something. But it sure wasn't what I was expecting. I was
hoping he'd try to talk me out of it. Tell me we could do it, we could make
it through the tour, we just needed to trust each other. I knew that if he
did that, if he said those things, I'd probably tell him I love him. But he
didn't say any of those things. He agreed with me. And it killed me.

I lost what little control I had over my emotions as my tears started to run
down my cheeks.

"We tried, it just didn't work out. I think it's for the best."

/Yeah, you're right./ After a moment, he continued. /It's for the best./

"Yeah." I barely managed to whisper.

Neither of us said anything until I broke the ice, my tears never stopping.
"Friends?"

/Yes./

"I... I gotta go. I've got to study. I'm sorry." I had to get out. I was
dying slowly in the inside and I needed to be alone for me to able to
crumble.

/No, it's ok. It's for the best./

I sighed. I was holding the phone receiver tightly between my fingers as I
was afraid I might let it slip through them and into the desk. Trying my
best for my voice not shake with my tears, I finished. "Bye."

/Bye./ He said softly.

With that, I hung up the phone. The minute I heard the distinctive click,
letting me know the connection had been broken, I let myself fall apart. I
buried my face in my hands as I cried. It took me a minute to realize where
I was. Standing up with as much strength as I could muster, I made my way to
my room, barely stumbling against the walls twice.

I got into my room and locked the door after me. Throwing myself to the bed,
I hugged the pillow tightly to my face as I let the soft cushion absorb my
tears.

I sobbed.

I cried myself dry as I heard the words over and over in my mind.

/I guess I thought I could deal with it. But I can't. I can't. Not anymore/

I couldn't keep up the facade that everything was alright. I was lying to
myself and hurting myself in the process. I was pretending everything was
alright when nothing actually was. It wasn't. Because it had been a month
and a half since he had left and we had talked about ten times during that
period.

/Maybe you're right/

I was. Or so I wanted to believed. I wanted to believe it was for the best.
Because I couldn't deal with it any other way but not to convince myself
that I was doing this to safe myself. To protect myself. He didn't love me.
He probably never really loved me. It was all a lie, a charade. And I had
let myself fall right into it. I had believed him and I was paying the price
for that mistake.

/It's for the best/

It was. It was the best for what little sanity I had left. What little life
I had left. It was for the greater good in the long run. I'd be able to live
my life just like I had before any of the guys had come into it. Before I
had met Nick. Even though I had been alone, and would be alone once again,
alone was better than hurt. Better than dead.

Then why did it hurt so bad? Why did it felt like my heart was being ripped
apart and stomped into? Why did I felt like dyeing when he agreed with me?

And, not knowing what else to do, I cried for the love I had lost.

I cried.

*****

Kevin spaced out as his eyes rested in the auricular. The sound of a broken
connection was audible in the small hotel room. The words kept running
through his head as he tried to wrap his around them, as the tried to
understand them.

When the facts finally sank in, his fingers couldn't hold onto the receiver
any longer, letting it fall with a soft thud onto the carpet. His body was
numb. Everything around him was forgotten as he realized just what happened.

Laying down on the bed he had already been sitting when Matt had called him,
he hugged his legs to his chest, burring his face between his knees. The
tears were running freely as he let himself fall apart. Tears that had
started making his way down his perfectly sculpted cheeks the minute Matt
had said he couldn't keep doing this. Because he had seen it coming. He had
know Matt would get tired of all this at some point and would call it quits.
And he had.

/we haven't been talking too much with each other/

Matt's voice ran though his mind, hurt very visibly in it. It was his fault.
It was him the one who hadn't called, afraid of the consequences and the
voices in his mind. It was all his fault. And now he was paying a high price
for it.

He had lost Matt. He had lost him because he was too afraid to talk with him
about everything that had happened in his past. Kevin was afraid he might
loose him the minute the truth came out, but he had lost him anyway.

"I'm sorry." Kevin whispered softly, his voice cracking with emotion as his
tears took the best of him. "I'm so sorry Matt. I'm so sorry." his face was
contorted with grief as the past month took a troll on him.

He stayed like that for so long, he himself didn't know. Nothing seemed
important anymore. Nothing seemed to matter. He had lost Matt. And it was
his fault.

*****

What do you think? Love, no. No. Put that brick down. Be a good girl and put
that brick down. *ducks and hides behind her desk* That bad?

Now people, just take deep breaths and relax. If you wanna tell me anything
(insults will be skipped), feel free to drop me a line (a letter!, not an
anvil!) at: jmfluder@hotmail.com

And check out my web page at: www.geocities.com/sdlucly/

That's all for now. If you wanna read more, be nice enough and write me. I'm
waiting. Yes, I'm waiting!

Take care and investigate.

M. F. Luder