Date: Sun, 4 Jan 2004 20:14:24 -0500
From: M. F. Luder <mfluder@ec-red.com>
Subject: Boybands. Just the truth. Chapter 19

Another chapter out. That's always good.

Hope you all had a great Holiday and a fun New Year.

Tell me anything you want at mfluder@ec-red.com

Now with the story...

Just the truth
By M. F. Luder

Chapter 19

*****

It's funny how things happen. I've always prided myself for thinking in
advance. Lilyan always said that was one of the reason I was good at chess.
I act carefully, thoughtfully. I don't like being caught in the middle of a
situation I hadn't foresighted. Maybe that's wrong, I wouldn't be able to
say. I just like to be prepared. That's what I tell myself at least.

So, two days ago, when Kevin and I were watching TV in our room in one of
the few private moments we have and I brought up the subject, I have to say
I was more than just caught off guard.

We were talking about this or that, the kind of stuff you talk with your
partner. Just talking when, I'm still not sure where it came from, I said,
"we've never really had a date."

I blinked a couple of times, the sounds repeating themselves in my mind,
trying to see if I had actually said the words I was almost sure I had
heard.

Kevin turned around, or more turned me around as I was lying against his
chest on the bed, and glanced at me. Really glanced. That kind of look that
feels like someone is swimming inside your mind, trying to fish your soul.
That one. That very one.

"What?"

I didn't know if repeating my words was the save way to go, but Kevin had
heard and it would be cynical of me not to. "We've never had a date." And if
that wasn't enough, if I hadn't just risk my queen, practically shipped her
off with the rest of the cattle to be skinned alive, I continued. "Think
about it. We've gone out with the guys, even just with Kate and Nick, but
never the two of us. I don't think that actually qualifies as a date."

I could have just stood in front of an execution army, my mouth gagged and
my arms tied. I was done. So very done. Toast. Fried. I don't think I have
to continue.

Kevin thought about it for a second. I knew he was thinking it through
because his eyes lost focus while I tried to figure out if France was saver
than Germany when it came down to extradition.

"You're right," Kevin said after a minute. "We've never really had a date.
Not what could and should be called a date." He paused. "We should. No, no,
we must."

Being the intelligent being I am, I tried to save my own skin. "I don't know
if that's safe. I mean it's not like we can go out in public."

Yeah, but there's the very old saying grandma used to rub in my face, where
there is the will, there's the way. And if there was something that boy had,
was will. He was full of it. Kevin could even put some for rent, for God's
sake.

His eyes twinkled, his lips twitched upwards and his nose wrinkled almost
imperceptibly. "Don't worry," he said lowly, his drawl so very distinctively
and strong, "I can fix that." He grinned smugly at me. And if I didn't know
him better, I would have said proudly. "We'll have a date. Two days from
now, we'll have a date."

We didn't say another word about it. I didn't dare to. I thought that maybe,
if I kept cover, the meteors wouldn't hit me. Poor old gullible me. I had
totally forgotten about twiddle Dee and twiddle Dumb. Nick, of course and as
was expected, offered his help to Kevin, who, to my surprise refused. And
so, it was the two of them against me. And the odds had always been against
my favor. So I lost. But I lost with pride and with the chin high. I fought
every inch of the way, every single step until I found myself walking down
the mall closed for us and for us alone.

Nick walked into another store as I sighed. I didn't want to try another
piece of clothing for what was left of my simple and meaningless life. I had
already done too much changing to be in a good mood.

"Oh, I love this store," I heard Nick say as Kate pushed me into the store.

"You should try this," Nick said, lifting a beige drill button jacket and
dark brown pants. I could have sworn we had already bought an outfit very
similar to the one Nick was showing me.

"No need," Kate said, walking over to Nick and taking the outfit out of his
hands. "It's perfect. I like the black and burgundy better, but this one is
lovely too. We'll take it."

"Matt should try it."

Kate shook her head at Nick's words and only made her way towards the
cashier, taking her wallet out on the way. "No need. I love it. And I know
his size. Can we have these pants on 32 and the jacket on M? Thanks."

Nick shrugged and I would have complained about them talking like I wasn't
in the room and shopping like I wasn't eighteen and had my own money if it
wasn't for the fact that I had already done it. Four times. Neither of them
made much difference.

Besides, it wasn't like it bothered me that much. I knew they only had my
best interest at heart and they were having so much fun doing it, I didn't
want to break their own little party.

I have to accept, even though I would never say it out loud; that I liked
the black pants and burgundy shirt I tried two shops ago. It looked good on
me. Burgundy and wine were always the colors I choose when it came down to
sweaters. Those and gray. Mostly gray.

"Can we go now?" I asked, looking around the store at the girls giving Nick
funny looks. They had done it all day long. Everywhere we went. I should
have gotten used to that by now, being with the guys on tour for a little
over week, but I haven't.

I will, I promised myself. I will get used to girls drooling over Nick and
my boyfriend, eyeing him like he was some sort of price for them to claim. I
chuckled slightly, barely even heard while both Nick and Kate looked through
more clothes. I wasn't jealous person. Not really. But I was rather
possessive. If there wasn't a difference, then at least I saw it.

Kate shook her head, picking up another buttoned up jacket. I have to say,
the girl does know my taste. It was dark blue. Plain. I loved it. I was
never much for two colors in one thing. "Like it?"

I barely nodded when she turned around and placed it on the counted. "This
too."

I sighed. "We already have more clothes than I'm going to wear all during
tour. I think that's enough. You're going to over charge your credit."

She chuckled. "When I tell mom we went shopping for you, she'll ask for
details."

I groaned and just pretended to be looking around. So yeah, I wasn't much of
a shopper unless it had to do with swimming, which meant I didn't go
shopping very often. I like nice clothes, but only buy them once.

She paid for the stuff then handled it to Nick. "That's enough I think, we
better get back."

I nodded and followed the two of them out of the store.

"So," Nick said as he got into the van, placing the clothes along with the
rest of the bunch we had already bought, "are you nervous about tomorrow?"

Shaking my head as I shrugged, I heard the engine starting. Both Eric and
Adrian had come with us while the rest of the guys stayed back in the hotel
during their afternoon off.

"Not really. I mean I've been with Kevin alone before. This shouldn't be any
different."

Kate stared at me, a smile on her lips. "Oh, please. This is so totally
different. This is a date Matty darling. This is Kevin's opportunity to dine
you and wine you like any boy should to the one he loves."

I chuckled. "You nut. I don't think it's like that. It's just an evening
together, alone, instead of one with the rest of the guys."

"It's so not," Nick added, smiling and crossing his arms in front of his
chest as he looked at the two of us. "Kevin is taking it way beyond that. I
think he feels kinda bad for not seeing before that the two of you hadn't
really had a date. I think he wants to make an impression."

"I know he wants to make an impression," Kate said. "Why shouldn't he? You
two have been together how long... two months? And you haven't had a date. I
can bet all the money I have, even though it's not that much, that Kevin
will go all the way out. I wouldn't be surprised if he rented a fine
restaurant and closed it for the day."

I shook my head, hoping Kevin wouldn't do that. "No, I don't think so. I
told Kevin I only wanted a simple thing. Pizza Hut would be more than enough
for me."

"Pizza Hut?" Nick looked at me like I was insulting him. "Are you out of
your mind? We eat that on a regular basis and tomorrow is special. Nope.
Kevin wouldn't have pizza for dinner."

I shrugged. "I don't mind. Anything will be more than fine with me."

Shaking her head, Kate pouted. I took only one look at her and couldn't help
but chuckle. That girl was so cute when she pouted. "I don't like it when
you get this way. You should be more excited."

I chuckled again. "Darling, I'm excited."

"No you're not!"

"I'm excited inside."

"Then express it for God's sake! You know I hate it when you act all
unattached."

"Yeah, well, that's how lovable I am."

Kate didn't say anything, just continued her pouting while I looked outside
the window. The city seemed so nice at this time of the year. I had always
enjoyed summer. Swimming and ice cream was what made summer for me. I
couldn't care less for anything but swimming and ice cream.

"Matt," Nick asked, bringing me back from my musings, "I've been meaning to
ask you but it just seemed like every time I tried, I forgot. What do you
think about what Michael said?"

I let out a long sigh before turning around and focusing my eyes, once
again, outside the window. This was a subject I'd rather leave alone.

When I didn't answer, Nick frowned slightly. "Kevin told you, right?"

I nodded at him. Of course Kevin told me. "He told me about it that same
night."

"And you idiot forgot to tell me until two days later," Kate added her two
cents, glaring at me all the while. "I haven't forgiven you yet, you know?"

I turned around and gave her a small smile. I knew she didn't mean it,
because if she had, then her eyes would have darkened. "It wasn't my
intention."

She squinted her eyes. "I'm still not entirely sure about that."

"What do you think?" Nick asked, getting us back to the subject at hand.

I shrugged. I didn't know what else to do for Nick not to think I wasn't
paying attention to him. "Michael didn't say something I wasn't expecting."

And I was right. When Kevin had come back to the room that night, he had
been slightly angered. I don't think I could blame him, but I kept my
thoughts to myself. Actually, I think he was being rather irrational.

Anyhow, Michael and three other executives had voiced exactly what I had
been sure they would say. It was just the standard. Kevin and I couldn't be
seen together in public -- at least not unless we were with a couple of the
guys as well. No PDA at all -- I later learnt that stood for Public Display
of Affection. Kevin had to be extra careful with his words and gaze. And, if
anyone was to ask about both Kate and I being on tour with them, the guys
were to say that Kate was Nick's friend and that I was her boyfriend.

That was actually what angered Kevin. Kevin, and the rest of the guys as was
expected, had refused to it. If anyone asked, they were going to say both of
us were Nick's old friends just going along for the ride.

I was sure much more had been said during the meeting, but Kevin hadn't said
and I wasn't going to push. When Kevin felt ready to tell me, if ever, I was
going to be there to listen. After all, it was probably just technical and
business stuff. The important stuff, the stuff I actually had to know, was
what Kevin did let me know.

Kevin somehow reminded me of my grandfather. I never actually met him, but
grandma was always talking about him. She said that, sometimes, when it came
down to the fields, he wouldn't tell her everything. She said grandpa always
told her it was because he didn't mean for her to worry. That whatever he
wasn't telling her, she needn't to know and it was only to protect her. Of
course grandma never liked that. She was always, until the very end, a
strong and independent woman. She could stand her own ground and look out
for herself. I know grandpa knew that -- I don't know how, but if he loved
her as much as grandma says, then he did -- but it was still in him to
protect her and he thought he could only do it like that. I think she might
have complained at the beginning, but actually got used to it at one point
during their marriage.

Kevin was just like that. He won't tell me because he thinks he's protecting
me. I know he only means good, but I don't think ignorance can protect you.
I think only knowledge can. But this is I and that's him and I can only wait
for him to see it my way. Or for me to see it his way. Whatever comes first.

"Yeah," Nick said after a minute, "but I don't think it's fair. Neither do
the guys."

"Well Nick, it's not like I didn't know what I was signing in for when I
started going out with Kevin, now didn't I? Kevin is who he is and that
means different rules for different situations. And his public persona is a
very particular situation." I shrugged, a soft smile on my face as I looked
at the boy who is actually two years older than both Kate and I, but doesn't
seem to. He's a good friend. That's something I was intelligent enough to
see the very first time I hang out with him.

"I understand that," I continued, "and I'm fine with that. So I'll tell you
the same thing I told Kevin that night." I leaned over and placed my hand on
his shoulder, squeezing softly. "I'm not looking at what I don't have, but
what I do have. So you shouldn't either. I'm very happy with Kevin. So as
long as he's with me, I'll take what I can get. Being with him only
privately doesn't bother me; so don't act like it does. I don't like it."

Nick looked at me, wide blue eyes clearing barely visible, then loosing
focus for a second. I knew he was thinking my words over and over again and
that was fine by me. I had only said what I felt. If anything, over the
years I had learned to accept what you can get. If that's only a minute a
day, then make that minute the best you can. If it's only a day a year, then
make it unforgettable.

His eyes got slightly misty and he let them fall down to the floor. I didn't
say anything. I didn't want to embarrass him, so I waited until he wanted to
talk. He lifted his eyes a moment later and smiled one of his private
smiles. Kevin had one too, and those meant a million times more than the
ones for the cameras.

"You're right," he said softly and I just smiled back. "You're right."

Kate snorted, breaking the seriousness that had fallen upon our
conversation. "Yeah, well, don't say it that much or wonder boy over here
will start buying it."

I chuckled and Nick joined me. Kate looked at me, her eyes telling me what I
wanted to hear. It was fine. I had Kevin with me and that was enough. So we
laughed and Nick said something funny and we laughed again. We didn't touch
the subject again.

*****

Kevin sat in the middle of the living room area surrounded by what could be
half the number of CDs you could find in any CD center. He took the one that
had been playing on the stereo until seconds ago, placed it on its case and
put it aside on the pile of No way I'm using this.

He had been going through every single CD he owned, and the ones the rest of
the gang had in their possession, trying to find the perfect combination of
music for the special night, as he liked to called it. And why shouldn't he?
After all, it was their very first actual and official date.

He picked another, went through the list of songs and didn't have to listen
to them to place it in the pile of Maybe, perhaps, if I don't find anything
better.

Brian had smiled at him, Howie had grinned, Nick hadn't even said anything
and AJ had only chuckled when he went door after door collecting the CDs
this morning while Matt and Kate thought they hadn't arrived yet. He had
been so very smart. He had hidden them in Brian's room and went for them
after those three had left.

He was looking for The One. That very same one that he had in his mind for
the ending of the perfect night he had planned. He had everything pictured
in his mind until the very last detail except the background music, which he
left to what he would find in one of these CDs.

Everything was ready and counted for, except for the music. He was very
proud; he had to admit. In only one day, he had done what many people spend
weeks planning. He didn't need that much planning. The idea had practically
presented itself almost from the first time he met Matt. It was... perfect.

Now, he told himself, if I could only find the music.

Music was so special for him and the guys. It was... what mostly defined
them. If it was the right song, it made his heart soar and dance with it. It
melted his being. And so, it was only the song that would do that too to
Matt. And he wasn't going to stop until he found it.

He checked his watch. He still had... what? Half an hour? Maybe even a full
hour if Kate and Nick wanted to torture Matt. He knew those two had taken
his boyfriend out for shopping, as Matt had very loudly complained during
lunch. Kevin had only laughed. An annoyed Matt was an adorable sight to see.

Kevin, too, had done a little shopping of his own. Of course Matt didn't
know. And he wasn't going to. Kevin had been smart enough as to do it this
morning, right after their interview. He had run away for an hour while the
guys were going to the photo shoot and excused himself for being late with a
white lie. Who wouldn't believe he had an emergency meeting in the venue?

Kevin chuckled as he thought of his attire. It was perfect. Lovely even. He
wouldn't say it out loud. Too girly, he knew, but he dared to think it. He
knew Matt would love it. At least he hoped so. If Matt gasped when he saw
Kevin, then it was more than worth it.

Shaking his head, his mind went back to the task at hand. Finding what he
was looking for and ever since Matt left.

His eyes scanned the play list. He was about to dismiss it when something
caught his attention. He read the name again. Without second thought, he put
in the stereo. If he hadn't been sure while he heard the first paragraph,
then when he reached the chorused, he was convinced. A Cheshire grin made
its way to his lips.

That was it.

It was perfect. It was even better than he had imagined it.

He indulged himself to hear it fully, not really needing it because he was
sure that was it. It sure was lovely.

As the lyrics faded away, Kevin pressed stop and pulled the CD out of the
stereo. He placed it back in its case. He looked at it for a moment, trying
to remember who had lent it to him. It only took a couple of seconds for him
to recall it. AJ. Who would have thought he had such a CD in his possession.

Not missing a precious second, Kevin stood up and picked up his mess. He was
going to return half a million CDs to the guys, but it was worth it. He
would make the compilation later on. He still had the rest of the day -- and
the night if he was to need it.

He couldn't help but smile as he made his way out of the door. To give back
the CDs and then to finish the last touches of his Master plan. Not much
left to do and then it surely would be ready. His grin widened. Tomorrow, he
would surprise Matt. And poppet wasn't going to know what hit him.

*****

Take care and investigate.

M. F. Luder
http://mfluder.cjb.net

*****

Let the truth be known though the heavens fall.
- Mulder. Redux.