Date: Tue, 10 Apr 2001 22:53:44 -0000 From: Jamie Mitchell Subject: Justin's Journal 10 This is a work of fiction. I'm not really Justin Timberlake, nor do I know him. The dates and events depicted here have no bearing on reality and as far as I know, no member of Nsync is gay. This is all written for fun and I hope you enjoy it. Bye. March 17, 1997 We had the basketball thing this afternoon, the charity event. When I first heard about it a few weeks back, I thought it might be fun. I mean, I love basketball. Get me on a court and I'm happy. Not as happy as when I'm on stage performing, but it's just something I love doing. But with everything that's been going on these past few days, I started looking forward to the game in a different way. It became less about having fun and more about getting on the court and working out some of my feelings. The frustration and anger, the fear of losing JC now that he knows the truth, all of that stuff. It's been building up for awhile now and I haven't really had any way of dealing with it. Until today, that is. I know that it was just supposed to be a friendly game for charity. Maybe I'm a total asshole, I don't know. After today, there are plenty of people who probably think so. I went out on that court and I played like it was the Championship game. I played hard and I played to win. And I guess I played that hard as a way to let off all the emotional steam that's been building up. I managed to avoid being alone with JC again before the game, but when we were on our way to the game he said that he needed to talk to me afterwards. And there it was, out in the open. I couldn't exactly say no, could I? And he asked in front of all the other guys, so I guess he realized that there was no way I was going to give him a chance to be alone with me unless he gave me no choice. That probably added to why I was so fierce on the court. The game had been set up so that the five of us weren't all on the same team, something about not wanting to make it seem like there was a rivalry between us and the Backstreet Boys. Joey and Chris were on my team, but Lance and JC were on the other team. So, we played. Everyone seemed to be having fun at first, laughing and just playing a friendly game. But it seemed like the more intense I got, the more everyone else responded and the less fun it became. It reminds me of that lame thing my mom used to say, that one bad apple spoils the bunch. I never really got what that meant until today. My attitude took the fun out of the game for all the other guys playing. I was especially rough with Lance. I feel really bad about that. I mean, I know basketball isn't his thing. I told myself that he was on the other team, so I was just doing what anyone would do, playing to win. But I really rode him hard every time we were on the court together. I was acting like such a jerk, getting out all my anger. I wouldn't blame Lance if he never wanted to speak to me again after that. I did everything I could to humiliate him during the game, which wasn't hard since I know his weaknesses as a player. I might have stopped if he'd shown any sign of being hurt or angry, but he didn't. He just kept playing and somehow, that just made me even more determined to show everyone watching what a bad player he was. All in the name of winning the game, of course. Right. The worst moment was towards the end of the game. I was all over Lance and then I caught this look from JC and it just sort of froze me. It's hard to describe the look. It wasn't anger. I guess the best way to put it was that he just looked really disappointed in me. Like he'd expected better. And it was kind of a sad look, too, like I was letting him down in some way, or letting all of the guys down. I know that I was being a jerk. I really made a mess of things with the game. Lance took the worst of it, but I ruined a good time for a lot of people. Not just the guys playing, but the fans who paid money to watch us play. I'm sure they wanted to see us having a good time, and instead they had to watch me act like some guy with a major attitude, playing like winning was the most important thing in the world. And it was! I guess I was feeling that if I won the game, it would be a sign. A sign that I wasn't about to lose JC. We did win, not that it matters. In the end, after that look from JC, there was no joy in winning the game at all. Not even for the other guys on my team, I don't think. Everyone was kind of quiet, telling each other 'Good Game' and heading back to change. No one said 'Good Game' to me or even really talked to me. Except for Nick. He's one of the guys in the Backstreet Boys. I don't really know him that well, but I remember Lance telling me once that he thought Nick was gay. Nick was on my team and he was the only one who talked to me during or after the game. He just kept making small talk, asking me what basketball teams I liked, if I'd ever been to this place or that place, stuff like that. It was like he didn't even notice the way I was acting. Which would make him the only one who didn't! None of us talked on the way back after the game, either. I wanted to apologize to Lance, but I just couldn't seem to find the words. I've never been so ashamed of myself in my life. When even Chris and Joey are not saying a word, you know that it's bad! I came back to my room and just sat by the window for awhile, looking down at the people passing by in the streets. I found myself wishing I was one of them. That I was anyone but myself. Why do I have to be the guy who's gay and in love with his straight best friend? Why can't I be one of those people walking by? Whatever their problems, they couldn't be as horrible as mine, right? Okay, so that's probably not true, but that's the way I was thinking. I'm not sure how long I sat there. Maybe it was an hour, maybe it was three hours. I don't really know. I just know that I probably would have gone on sitting there, feeling sorry for myself and wishing I was someone else for a lot longer if JC hadn't knocked on my door. I hadn't really forgotten that he'd asked to talk to me, but I guess I thought that after the game, he really wouldn't want anything to do with me. I thought about pretending I wasn't there. I thought about just letting him knock until he gave up and went away. I even had a crazy thought that as soon as he stopped knocking, I'd throw some stuff in a bag and leave, get away from all of this so that I didn't have to have the conversation with JC that I've been dreading. But I didn't do that. I acted like an adult for the first time all day and opened the door. And so we talked, finally. JC said that he knew how I felt about him and that he knew that Lance had told me about how he found out. He said I shouldn't be mad at Lance, because he really cared about me a lot and would never do anything to intentionally hurt me or make me mad. That made me think again about how I'd acted on the court, how awful I was to Lance. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, talking to JC about the way I feel. He told me that he'd actually started suspecting I might have feelings for him earlier, before I got sick and blurted it all out. I asked when he started suspecting, because I was so sure that I was keeping it hidden from him. He said that he wondered from time to time, but he didn't really start thinking I had feelings until the day he was sick and I stayed with him. Since we were already talking about it, I figured I might as well get everything out in the open. No guts no glory, right? So I told him how long I'd loved him, and how I knew that I loved him before I even realized that I was gay. How loving him was what helped me accept who I really was. I told him everything and he listened. He nodded sometimes, smiled every once in awhile, but he listened. He didn't act disgusted or scared by what I was telling him, and that alone meant a lot to me. When I finished, I waited for him to say it. That we couldn't help who we fell in love with and that in time I'd find the one who was right for me, blah blah blah. I waited, but he didn't say anything at all. So finally, I asked him what he was thinking. He said that he was thinking what a lucky guy he was, to have someone like me in love with him! Whatever I expected, it wasn't that. I could feel myself blushing and I didn't know quite what to say back. Mostly because I wasn't sure exactly what he meant. I mean, that sort of left things open. He could mean "I'm lucky, but I'm not interested sorry." Or he could me "I'm lucky, and maybe I feel the same way." I've never doubted that JC was straight, but there's still always been that hope, you know? That's why I dreaded this talk so much, because it was going to take the hope away once and for all. So we just sat there for awhile longer, in complete silence. I thought I was going to go completely nuts, to be honest. Silence can be friendly and comfortable sometimes, and it can be awkward, but this wasn't like that. This silence was suffocating, at least to me, because it felt like my whole life depended on what JC would say, and yet there was nothing but this silence in the room. It was horrible. It was actually probably only for a minute or two, but I swear that it felt like an hour. And then JC looked me in the eye and told me that sometimes, he feels the same way about me that I do about him! That he loves me, but he's never quite sure how. I asked if he loved me like a brother and he said yeah, but it goes deeper than that. My heart was beating so fast. That's what I remember most about that moment, was the thumping in my chest. I was hearing something I'd only dreamed of, and all my mind could focus on was how fast my stupid heart was beating! JC said that he wasn't sure exactly how he loved me. He said he'd never thought of himself as gay, that he'd been attracted to girls for as long as he could remember. But in spite of that, he had feelings for me that he just didn't understand. Then he said that he didn't ever want to tell me about his feelings, because he knew that no matter how he felt, he couldn't ever give me what I deserved, which was a real relationship. He just can't see himself ever being with a man, no matter how he might feel about me. So he'd decided to just keep his feelings to himself. But then, because of my slip up when I had the fever and because Lance told me about what I'd said, he thought he should tell me so that I didn't feel so awkward around him because of my feelings. I just listened to all of that. What the hell am I supposed to say? JC tells me he loves me, but isn't gay and doesn't want to be with a guy. Well, that's just great, huh? Before, I could tell myself he was straight and only loved me like a brother. But now, I know he loves me like I love him, and yet I still can't be with him! Wonderful. Just when I thought things couldn't get worse. That's pretty much how we left it. He asked if I had anything to say, but I just shook my head no. I wish he hadn't told me. I mean, what am I supposed to do with "I'm in love with you, but I'm straight." How do I go on from that? I can't even tell myself that he doesn't love me, because he does! It's crazy. My whole life is a series of crazy circumstances. Right before he left, he told me that I need to talk to Lance, that I owe him an apology for today. That really made me mad, because I already knew that. I was already feeling guilty and like I needed to make it up to Lance, so to have JC point it out like I didn't know it already just really pissed me off. Today has been one extreme emotion after another. And this, I think, is the longest journal entry I've ever written! Usually writing in my journal helps me sort my thoughts out. Sometimes I just don't know for sure what I'm thinking or feeling until I sit down and try and put it into words. But tonight, it hasn't really helped at all. I don't know what I'm going to do. All I know for sure is that I've got to get Lance alone tomorrow and tell him how sorry I am for the way I acted. JC is right about that, Lance would never hurt me intentionally. ~Well, that's all for now. But the next chapter will be done very soon, I promise you won't have to wait months for it! Thank you to everyone who's still reading this story, despite the long gaps between some chapters. Please let me know what you think!! It's important to me to know that people are still reading the story. :-) just_jamie007@hotmail.com