Date: Sun, 09 Jul 2000 00:05:43 GMT From: Jamie Mitchell Subject: Justin's Journal 5 This is a work of fiction. I'm not really Justin Timberlake, nor do I know him. The dates and events depicted here have no bearing on reality and as far as I know, no member of Nsync is gay. This is all written for fun and I hope you enjoy it. Bye now. December 2, 1996 It's been over a month since I last wrote. To be honest I've been avoiding myself. That probably makes no sense, but it's the truth. I've become kind of like one of the robots they expect us to be around here. All I do is wake up, work, and then go to sleep. Oh, I watch movies with the guys and stuff when we have a break, and I talk to my family back home a lot on the phone. But basically I've been trying very hard not to think about myself or to feel anything about anyone. What I wrote about in my last entry, about being in love with JC, really scared me. It seemed more real than ever once I'd written it down, once it was no longer just something inside my head. It was just too real somehow, it said something about me that I was just not ready to accept. So for the past month or so I've been really focused on not being that something. See, I can't even say it now, what that something is! It's too hard for me. The only reason I'm even writing this now, that I'm even letting myself think about all of this again is because the guys all ganged up on me today to try and find out what's been wrong with me. I didn't realize it was so bad that they were all seriously worried about me. They even thought I might be on drugs because they said I've been so different, so withdrawn. I told them that I was okay and just had some stuff that I was trying to work my way through, but I know they're all still worried. I feel really alone right now, even though I've got these amazing friends who care about me. I feel alone because I can't talk about this to any of them. December 5, 1996 Today was awful. I still can't believe what I did. There are always lots of girls who come to our shows that make it clear that they're ready to do just about anything we want them to do. It comes with the territory, I guess. We've all talked about it before and sometimes if they're old enough and good looking Joey and Chris with get their numbers and go out on dates with them. JC has once or twice, too. I've always thought that was stupid because girls like that don't like us for who we are. They don't even know who we are! Just because they know our names or read those fan magazines and listen to us sing doesn't mean they know us. That really worries me sometimes. How I am supposed to know who likes me for me and who likes me because of Nsync? Anyway, all that just makes what I did even worse. We did a club opening tonight and this girl was making it really clear that she liked me. She was about my age, maybe a little older, and really pretty. Usually I just make it clear that I'm not interested, but tonight I suddenly thought that maybe I shouldn't do that. I mean, I want to be like that. I want to like girls. I want to stop feeling this way about JC. Maybe all it would take would be to actually be with a girl. Maybe after that all the rest of these feelings would go away. So I took her out to our bus behind the club. All the rest of the guys were still in the club, so it just the two of us. My heart was pounding and I started to sweat because I haven't kissed a girl in a long time. But I just kept thinking, why not? A normal guy would. A normal guy would jump at the chance to have all these girls wanting him. So we started kissing pretty heavily and then she took off her top and I was touching her. It felt wrong, but I just kept pushing myself forward, making myself go on because I thought that it would make all the doubts go away. But then she started to unzip my jeans and I just panicked. I didn't want to be with her. I didn't want my first time to be with someone I didn't care about. And worse, I knew that what I was doing was just not right for me. I looked at her sitting there, half naked, and I didn't feel anything. I was trying to think of a way to tell her we had to stop, but at about that time Lance came out to the bus looking for me. I've never been so embarrassed or so relieved all at once. Poor Lance, he turned bright red when he walked up the steps to the bus and found me with a topless girl trying to put her hands down my pants! He apologized and left right away, but it was the excuse I needed to stop what could have been the biggest mistake of my life. I don't want my first time to be with some nameless groupie I'll never see again. She was kind of pissed off, but I got her back into the club and bought her a drink and then lost her in the crowd. Now we're on our way to the next place on our agenda and everyone's gone to sleep but me. I apologized to Lance but he said not to worry about it. I could tell he wanted to say more, though. So I asked him to be honest if there was something else and he just told me that he hoped I was being safe. I didn't tell him that nothing happened at all. In a way I'm almost glad he walked in. It makes me feel almost happy to think that at least someone is sure that I like women. December 8, 1996 Lance has been acting kind of strange since the other day. I catch him looking at me in this weird way, like he's trying to figure something out about me or to look inside my head somehow. I'm not sure if it's because he wants to talk about what he walked in on or if he just feels weird about walking in on us and isn't sure how to act around me. I don't think he's told any of the other guys, though. If he had they'd be teasing me like crazy about it. I can just imagine the sort of jokes Chris and Joey would make about me 'becoming a man'. If anyone had to walk in on us I'm glad it was Lance and not one of them! Or JC. That would have been painful somehow. Still, I don't know if I can take any more of these sideways looks from Lance! It's really starting to irritate me. Well, we'll be going home for Christmas soon at least, so I won't have to put up with it much longer. December 10, 1996 Well, Lance finally got around to saying what was on his mind. He and I went to a movie today, just the two of us at his suggestion. He's been really worried about me. He thinks that me being with that girl had something to do with the way I've been acting for the past month or so. He's right, of course, but I can't really tell him why. He knew that I'd never been with anyone because we'd talked about it before and he also knew how I felt about the girls who just throw themselves at us, so of course the whole thing seemed kind of suspicious to him, me suddenly deciding to have sex with a groupie. I told him the truth, that we didn't actually have sex and that I wanted my first time to be with someone I was in love with. He said that that was the first time I've sounded like myself in a long time and then practically begged me to tell him what's been bothering me. The funny thing is, I really really wanted to. I almost did. In a way it would have been such a relief. But I didn't. I can't tell him that I'm worried about not liking girls or that I have feelings for JC. Telling someone would make it seem too real. And besides, if Lance thinks that I like guys, he might get the wrong idea. I don't think he's still interested in me like he used to be, but I don't know for sure. I like Lance a lot, but he's not JC. December 15, 1996 We fly home tomorrow. I really can't wait. I need to get away from all of this and just be me again, in my own house, in my own room. Sometimes I worry that the real me doesn't really exist any more, that this celebrity magazine version of Justin Timberlake is becoming the reality. My family keeps me real, though. I'll never be anything but me to them and that feels really good. My real family and my second family, the guys in Nsync, are really the only people in the world I can count on to like me for who I am. Who I am. The words look odd to me. Maybe it's because even I don't really know who I am. I guess in a way even my family and the guys like me for who they think I am, just like the fans do. They're version of me is just a little closer to reality, that's all. I'm the only one who knows the real me and even I can't accept it. What would the others think? I can remember thinking how lonely Lance must feel because he's gay. At least he can be honest with himself and with us. I can't even do that. December 17, 1996 Home. I somehow thought that walking through the front door would erase the past few months and make me feel like i used to. How dumb was that? I still have the same problems, just in a more familiar place. Mom's worried about me now, too. She says I look like I haven't been getting enough to eat and that I need more sleep. She's talking about coming over with us again when we go back, to make sure I'm taking care of myself. We had an interesting flight back. Lou's other boy group, the Backstreet Boys, were on the same flight to Orlando, going home for Christmas. We've met them a few times in Europe and they're usually nice guys. But they can also be really resentful of us. They think we're a copycat group that Lou's setting up to replace them, just in case. Lance and I sat next to each other on the flight and Lance told me that he thinks one of the guys, Nick, is gay. Gay guys always seem to be able to spot each other somehow, but I can never tell. Nick looked like an average guy to me, just sitting there playing with a gameboy. I asked how Lance could tell and he said it's just little things, looks and gestures, that he kind of recognizes from himself. The whole thing is really beyond me. But at least for the rest of the flight I got to tease Lance about having a crush! He's fun to tease, he blushes so easily. I wish I felt as comfortable with JC these days. The way I feel about him has kind of ruined our friendship, in a way. I can't ever talk to him and be at ease like I used to be. Like, when he's talking to me I notice things like the way his lips move and how soft they are and then I start thinking about kissing him. Or like this morning, I knocked on his door to get him up for breakfast and he told me to come in, but when I did he wasn't wearing anything but his boxer shorts and I got all nervous and probably acted liked a fool. I miss it just being the two of us hanging out as friends. I'm sure he still feels that way, but I don't. Being home hasn't solved anything. December 24, 1996 I've done a lot of thinking in the past week. Having time alone to myself, when I can just close the door to my room and be alone, has actually helped a lot. It sounds strange, but I've had time to really look at who I am. Until recently, I've never been the type of person to be down about something. If something bothers me, I deal with it quickly and move on. But this whole thing has been eating away at me for a long time. And I finally let myself think about it all, really think about it. Yeah, I'm in love with JC. Yeah, I am attracted to guys. No, I'm not really into girls and I never have been. Conclusion? I'm gay. That's the first time I've ever used those words and it's a little scary, but it's also the truth. I can't change it any more than I can change my height or skin color. I'm gay. I guess in a way I've known that for a really long time and just not let myself see it. And once it started becoming impossible to not see it, I got very scared. >From now on, though, I'm not going to be scared any more. Lance has kind of become a role model to me in a way in the past week. I think about him and how he came out to all of us because he knew that he had to have people he could be himself with. I really admire that. I'm going to come out to him first, as soon as he's back here in Florida. After that, though, I'm going to tell all the guys. I don't want to feel like this is something I have to hide from the people I care about and I know deep down that they're going to be fine with it. I feel better tonight than I've felt in a very long time. I guess it's fitting that it's Christmas Eve. I'm really sorry that it's been over a month since I updated the story. Several things happened in my life that made writing difficult. I hope that this chapter is at least somewhat worth the wait. you can write to me at just_jamie007@hotmail.com if you'd like.