Date: Thu, 13 Jul 2000 22:50:12 GMT From: Jamie Mitchell Subject: Justin's Journal 6 This is a work of fiction. I'm not really Justin Timberlake, nor do I know him. The dates and events depicted here have no bearing on reality and as far as I know, no member of Nsync is gay. This is all written for fun and I hope you enjoy it. Bye. December 25, 1996 This has been an amazing day. Probably the best Christmas I've ever had. Being here with my family means even more to me now than it ever has before because I've spent so much of the past year away from them. The only thing that could have made the day any better was being with the guys, but they were all with their own families. I wish I could have seen JC's face when he opened my gift. Not that I got him anything really special, but he's always so cute when he opens gifts. He gets this look of anticipation that lights up his entire face. I miss him already and he hasn't even been gone for a whole week. I love him so much. But today has been great even with JC gone. And he did call to wish us a happy Christmas this morning. All the guys did, in fact. I really feel a thousand tons lighter today, though, because of what I decided yesterday. I'm a little nervous about telling the guys, but mostly I just feel like for the first time in a long time there isn't this dark cloud hanging over my head. It's the best gift I got today, even if it was from me! December 28, 1996 JC got back today. I missed him a lot, even if he was only gone for a few days! Still, the hug he gave me when we picked him up at the airport was almost worth it. Every time he touches me, whether it's a punch on the arm or draping his arm around my shoulder for a minute for a photo shoot I feel kind of fluttery inside. I think that must be a part of what love is. Every time he walks into a room this thrill tingles it's way up my spine, even if he's just been gone for two minutes. I like feeling that way, even if it can't ever be anything more. We've always been really close and I don't want that to ever change. I kind of feel bad that I'm going to tell Lance I'm gay first and not JC. I mean, I've know JC for so long and he's my best friend. Don't I kind of owe it to him that he be the first to know? But at the same time, I'm sort of scared that telling JC will change things between us. I know that it won't, not really, but the fear is still there. At least with Lance I'll know that he knows exactly what I'm going through. I just hope that he doesn't think that just because I'm gay there's any chance for him and I. JC means too much to me, I don't want to be with anyone else. Well, I've got a few days to think it over before Lance gets back. In the meantime, JC and I are going to hang out tomorrow, maybe go to the movies or shoot hoops. Just the two of us. I can't wait! December 30, 1996 I realized something yesterday. I've been so busy with Nsync and so worried about all the feelings I was denying to myself that I really haven't been having any fun! I'm a teenager, life is supposed to be fun right now. It was yesterday for the first time in a long while. JC woke me up early (taking his life into his own hands, by the way, because I'm not a fun person when I first wake up!) and then we went to the mall and spent some money. I got a few new pairs of sneakers and a gold chain for myself that looked pretty good on me. JC teased me about my growing collection of course! All he bought were a few new t-shirts, but they looked really good on him. But everything does, I think! After the mall we saw a movie. I love seeing funny movies with him because he's just got one of those laughs that make everyone else around him want to laugh, too. That and he always gets too much pop corn for one person and ends up asking me to share it with him, so sometimes our hands touch when we reach for some at the same time. After the movie we came back here and played some b ball for about an hour. It was pretty hot out by that time, so we went for a swim. I see JC without a shirt on all the time, but it's not a sight that ever gets boing! I think the swimming was my favorite part of the day. He's so cute when he tries to sneak up on me underwater and grab my legs to pull me under! It was the best day I've had in so long, and not only because I got to be with JC. It was nice to just have fun for a change. I need to do that more often. Well, tomorrow is the day. Lance is flying back. I'm getting more and more nervous about telling him I'm gay. January 2, 1997 It's a new year and my life is definitely changed. I'm not even sure where to start, so much has happened. Lance flew back to Orlando on the afternoon of New Year's Eve. I could tell right away when I saw him that something was wrong. There were dark circles under his eyes and he was pretty pale. And saying that about Lance is serious because he's usually pale to begin with! I wasn't the only one who noticed, either, all the guys asked him if he was okay. He just said it was a bad flight, though. I was going to tell him my news as soon as we were alone, but it didn't seem like I should until I knew if he was okay or not. I wasn't really even alone with him until later that night anyway, when the other guys left to go out to this 18 and over dance club for the night. Lance and I decided to ring in the new year by popping some pop corn and watching some horror videos in my room. I kept trying to make him laugh or at least smile, but nothing really worked. Finally I just said that I knew something was wrong and I wasn't going to let either of us have a moment of peace until he told me what it was. That's when he just started sobbing. Not just crying, but actually sobbing against my shoulder. For a long time I just sat there with my arms around him, waiting for him to quiet down enough to talk. It really didn't seem like he was ever going to be able to quit and I got really scared about what could have upset him that much. Finally he was quiet but I kept my arms around him because he'd started shaking really badly, like he was cold or maybe scared. He told me that being home with his family had just been really hard for him because it made him realize all over again how alone he really was. Most of his family pretty much believe that being gay is not only a sin but just about the most disgusting thing imaginable. They don't know that he's gay, though, and I told him that maybe once they do know they'll be forced to change their minds because they love him. He thinks that if they ever found out they'd cut him out of their lives completely until he 'decided' not to be gay any more. I have to say that from what I know about Lance's mom, he's probably right. Open minded isn't the first word that comes to mind when I think of Mrs. Bass! But how could anyone turn their back on someone they love? We talked about it for a long time that night and I told him that even though it's not even close to being the same as his real family, all four of us guys would always be there for him. It was midnight before I knew it and I still hadn't told Lance my own news. Then Lance did something that I didn't expect at all. I set the my alarm for a minute before midnight so we could do the countdown and just as the new year started, Lance kissed me. It wasn't a full on kiss or anything too serious, he just leaned over all of a sudden and kissed me on the cheek. I just looked at him for a few seconds, really shocked, but he just gave me one of his shy smiles and thanked me for being such a good friend. It was just a friendly kiss. But it was really nice, somehow. We went back to watching the videos after that and he fell asleep pretty quickly. I let him sleep in my bed and went and slept in JC's since I knew he was going to crash at Chris's. Sleeping in JC's bed was nice, though. The pillows smelled like his hair and it was like being close to JC himself. Anyway, on new year's day I finally told Lance that I was gay. It was really hard to say the words to someone, even Lance. We were in my room and I kind of danced around it for a little while, trying to find a way to say it. Finally I just told him that I had something very important that I needed to say. Somehow that made it worse, though, because then he was looking at me expectantly, giving me his full attention. It might have been easier just to have blurted it out without all the build up. But there was no going back so I just said something like "This has been really hard for me to accept about myself, but I have now and I want all of you guys to know. I'm gay." He didn't seem as surprised as I thought he would be. He said he'd wondered sometimes if maybe I had feelings for JC. I didn't expect that at all and it scared me that I might have been too obvious. Lance said it was just little things he'd picked up on, though, nothing most people would see. I told him that he couldn't tell anyone about that, though, because I didn't want to freak JC out and ruin our friendship for something that was hopeless. Lance promised that he wouldn't say a word. I was kind of disappointed in his reaction. It was such a big step for me. I don't know what I expected, but he acted as if I'd just told him my shoe size or something! More on this later, though. I've been writing for too long and I've got to get some sleep. January 3, 1997 Where did I leave off? Oh, New Years Day and telling Lance. I was a little surprised at how calmly he took it but he said that the other guys would probably be pretty surprised. I told him that I wanted to tell JC in private first and then have a group meeting to tell Chris and Joey and discuss what it means for the group. I was out shooting some hoops when JC got back that afternoon. Lance said he just wanted to go and do some shopping by himself, so I was just kind of killing time waiting for JC. Telling Lance made me really nervous, but it couldn't even compare to telling JC. He's been my best friend for so long and I have so many mixed feelings for him. Anyway, he got home and went upstairs to shower and change his clothes. When he came back down he told me about hitting the club the night before and this girl he danced with most of the night and kissed at midnight. Chris was really hamming it up all night, I guess, dancing with everyone in sight and just cutting loose. Joey left pretty early in the evening with some girl. Then he asked how my night had been. That was sort of my cue, but I was so scared to tell him that I chickened out. I just started talking about Lance being upset because of his family and all the time I kept thinking 'What if he hates me? What if he feel uncomfortable around me after I tell him?' Even though I knew deep down that he wouldn't react that way, part of me was still very scared he might. So after we talked about Lance I started telling lame jokes and talking about anything but what I wanted to talk about. After awhile JC said he wanted to go up to his room and work on a new song that's been floating around in his head. I just suddenly felt like it was then or never. I can't change the fact that I'm gay and I'm not going to hide it from someone who means as much to me as JC does. So I reached out and grabbed his arm as he was getting up and pulled him back down on the sofa. I just said "JC, there's something you have to know and I hope it doesn't change our friendship." He just smiled and said nothing could change our friendship, that I was like a brother to him. So I said, "JC, I'm gay." I worried over saying those words so much, but as soon as they were out of my mouth I just felt this huge sense of relief. JC looked truly shocked, he just kind of stared at me for a little while with his mouth hanging open, but then he just leaned forward and wrapped his arms around me and hugged me. He smelled so good, like soap and shampoo from his shower, it was amazing being in his arms for that long. When he finally pulled back he smiled at me and touched the side of my head and told me that it didn't make any difference at all to him that I liked guys. We talked for a long time and I felt closer to him than I've ever felt to anyone ever. Then my mom came home and kind of broke the spell. JC went up to work on his song and I decided to go for a run. I got back in time to shower before dinner and it was so cool to sit there at the table with JC and know that he knew and yet was still treating me like he always had before. Yesterday and today have been more vacation days for us. JC and I have hung out and everything has been really great. I haven't seen much of Lance, he's staying over at Chris's, which he usually does when we're here. Tomorrow we've got a studio session and then afterwards the five of us are going to sit down and talk. That's when I'll tell Chris and Joey. I'm really not even nervous about that at all, I know they'll both be really cool with it, like they were with Lance. I am kind of worried about Lance, though. It seems like he's avoiding me, almost, since I told him I was gay. I hope it doesn't have anything to do with the crush he had on me. I keep thinking of him kissing me on New Year's eve and it worries me. What if he still likes me? Plus, before when he told me he liked me he could put down my not liking him back to the fact that I was straight. But now that he knows I'm gay, he might be taking it more personally that I don't have those feelings back. I need to talk to him and find out what he's feeling. I don't want to lose Lance as a friend over this. That would be almost as bad as losing JC as a friend. Sorry this chapter isn't very good. The next one will hopefully be better. You can contact me at just_jamie007@hotmail.com if you'd like.