Date: Sat, 26 Aug 2000 22:49:34 GMT From: Jamie Mitchell Subject: Justin's Journal 7 This is a work of fiction. I'm not really Justin Timberlake, nor do I know him. The dates and events depicted here have no bearing on reality and as far as I know, no member of Nsync is gay. This is all written for fun and I hope you enjoy it. Bye. January 4, 1997 Today, after we laid down some new tracks in the studio, we all headed over to Chris's to talk. Even though I wasn't really worried about the reactions Chris and Joey were going to have to me being gay, I was still so nervous about telling them. The closer the time got, the more nervous I became. It didn't help that Lance is still acting a little odd towards me. I mean, it's not really noticeable to the other guys, I don't think, but I notice that there's a subtle difference now in how he relates to me. It's like he's holding part of himself back all of a sudden and I'm not sure what to do about that. I'm not even sure what exactly he's feeling right now. I keep thinking of New Year's Eve and the kiss and how sweet and content he looked afterwards when he fell asleep on my bed. I've really got to talk to him about what's going on. Anyway, back to telling the other guys. JC was really great, I think he could tell how freaked out I was becoming as time went on, because he kept making a point of telling me jokes to make me laugh and then when we were on our way to Chris's he put his hand on my shoulder and gave it this little squeeze that kind of said "It's going to be okay" and that really made me feel a lot better. All in all, it went pretty well. We sat around Chris's living room, drinking sodas and at first talking about how the studio session had gone. We were all pretty excited about that, actually, we've got some really great songs we're working on now. But then it kind of got quiet for a minute and I saw JC give me this look like "Go for it" so I kind of cleared my throat a little to get their attention and then just did it. I had a speech worked out in my head about how it had taken awhile for me to accept this about myself and about how I really just wanted the people I care about to know who I am. Joey just said that it was cool with him. He was totally unfazed once again. Chris was quiet for a little while and that scared me, but then of course he rebounded and made a few little jokes to show that he was okay with it. Then, of course, we had to have the talk about what it means for Nsync. Chris was particularly worried about that, even more so than with Lance, because he said that he's seen the fans reactions at our concerts and the girls seem to be the most attracted to me. So if they ever found out that I'm gay, it would be a disaster for all of us. I understand that and I can accept that for the group's sake I'm going to have to be really careful about keeping this part of me a secret from the public, as much as I dread that. Nsync is important to me, though, and I don't want to jeopardize it in any way. It wouldn't be fair to the other guys. Anyway, we had some pizza after that and now here I am back in my own room. I've got the greatest friends in the world, they're just so amazing. I've got to get some sleep, though, we have to be up early tomorrow. We've got two magazine interviews, each with it's own photo shoot, and we also have a meeting with our new choreographer that Lou hired for us. It's going to be a busy day. January 10, 1997 I haven't had time to write at all for the past several days. We've been so busy putting together the songs with the dance moves and getting it all down just right, plus doing interviews and photo shoots and having meetings with the label and producers. It's been crazy, but fun. I really feel like a totally new person now that my friends know and accept that I'm gay. I can just relax and have fun again, without all these doubts and fears in the back of my mind. I'm thinking about telling my family, but that's probably going to have to wait a little while longer. The only thing that does bother me a little still is Lance. I've tried to talk with him, but with our schedule I haven't had much of a chance and he's not exactly going out of his way to be alone with me. We're heading back to Europe to start another tour at the end of the month, starting with England this time and then hitting just about every major city on the continent. We've become pretty huge over there, which is surreal since no one here has a clue who we are yet! JC just knocked and asked if I wanted to watch a video before we go to sleep! I hope I didn't seem too eager when I said yeah, but I love sitting in the dark next to JC, sneaking looks at him while he's engrossed in the movie. So, I'll finish this up now and write more when I get a chance. January 14, 1997 JC fell asleep about twenty minutes into the movie the other night. We were both sitting on my bed and his head kind of slumped over on my shoulder when he dozed off. I didn't want to even breathe because I was worried the slightest movement would wake him up. I was in Heaven, sitting there listening to the sound of his breathing and feeling the warmth of his body against mine. It was just unbelievable. And his hair smelled so good! It always does, but I've never had the chance to be that close to him for so long before! Every once in awhile he'd make these little sighing noises in his sleep and shift around a little, but he didn't wake up. And then he turned in his sleep, scooted down a little on the bed and put his head on my chest. He wrapped an arm around stomach and kind of snuggled up against me! He was sleeping, so I know it really doesn't mean anything, but it was still the most wonderful thing. My heart was beating so fast that I was kind of worried it might wake him up! I lost track of time, but the movie had ended and the only thing on the tv screen was snow, and I finally got up enough courage to bring my hand up to JC's head and run my fingers through his hair really softly. When I did he kind of moaned a little and snuggled up against me even more tightly. That's the last thing I remember, really, because I fell asleep myself after that. I woke up when my alarm went off the next morning, and JC was gone. When I went downstairs he just grinned and said we were a couple of old men, not even able to stay awake long enough to watch a movie. I keep thinking about how he was holding me in his sleep and I wish that there could be more to it, that there was actually a chance that he might love me like I love him. But that's not possible and I have to just accept it. Anyway, tonight I'm taking Lance out to dinner. He tried to get out of it, but I insisted and no matter what excuse he threw at me, I found a way around it. He and I really need to talk. So, hopefully that'll go well and we can finally resolve this thing, because I miss the friendship Lance and I had been building up together before I came out to him. January 15, 1997 Well, Lance and I finally had our talk. I was going to take him out for a nice dinner, but he said he really wasn't that hungry so we just grabbed a burger and ended up walking around and talking. I told him that since I came out to him I've been feeling like he was distancing himself from me. He said that wasn't true, but then I pointed out that, other than a few minutes here and there, this was the first time we'd been alone together since then. He really didn't reply to that, so I told him that I was really upset because I care about him a lot and I want us to be as close as we'd been getting before. He still didn't answer, so I stopped walking and grabbed his arm and looked him in the face and asked him to please tell me what was wrong. I'd never seen Lance really mad before, but he got mad then. He pulled his arm away and just totally went off on me. He said so much that I can't even remember it all right now, but the main points were that if I wanted to torture myself by hanging around someone I love who's never going to be able to love me back (JC), that's fine, but he wasn't going to torture himself the same way. I kind of got mad then, too, and said something sarcastic like "Oh, i'm sorry being around me is such torture for you." I regretted it right away because he just closed up really quickly. I apologized and tried to get him to open up again, but he wouldn't. So in the end we just had to leave it at that. I'm not sure what to do. I wish I hadn't been right about him still having feelings for me, but it seems like I was and that being around me when he has those feelings is painful for him. I don't want to cause Lance pain. I'm really not sure what to do. Lance is such a great guy. I wish I did have feelings for him instead of JC because then things would be so perfect. But I don't. You can't help who you fall in love with or, in this case, don't fall in love with. January 17, 1997 I had a long talk with JC this afternoon about what's going on with Lance. I told him about how Lance has been avoiding being with me alone and what he'd said when we talked about it. I guess I expected JC to have all the answers for me, to just tell me exactly what to do to make it all right. But he didn't. He said it's a bad situation since Lance and I have to be around each other so much and asked how I thought I'd feel if I was in love with someone who didn't feel the same and yet I had to be around them constantly. If he only knew! But I like being around JC, that's what makes this confusing for me. Even though he doesn't feel the same for me, I like being around him, seeing him, talking to him. It's not torture for me, so it's hard for me to understand where Lance is coming from. JC said that he's already talked to Lance about this, which shocked me. Lance went to JC for advice, though, a few days ago. JC told me that he's worried Lance may quit the group if things don't change somehow. I feel so guilty about that and I really don't know what to do. I guess the best thing would be to help Lance get over his feelings for me and find someone else. But that's easier said than done. I need to talk to Lance again, try and let him know that I really love him a lot, just not the way he loves me. We've got to work this out, I don't want to be responsible for Lance leaving us. January 18, 1997 Things are really hectic still. We're leaving in week for Europe, on a six month tour. It's our biggest ever and a lot is riding on it. We're going to be away from home until early August. My mom and Lance's will be coming and going during that time, but mostly it's just going to be the five of us being a family and I need to get things with Lance worked out before we go. That's probably hoping for too much in too short a time, but once we're over there we're not going to have much time away from each other at all. If Lance is still feeling like he is now being around me so often is really going to make it worse. I called him last night and again this morning at Chris's, but he wasn't there either time. I'll be seeing him tonight because we're all meeting with Lou to talk about the tour, but that'll be a group thing and I really need to be alone with him again so we can work this out. I hate that this is all happening, it's all my fault. I should have dealt better with Lance's feelings for me. I keep wishing that he'd meet someone else and fall in love, but he never sees anyone but us and the people we work with because we're on such a tight schedule, so how's that going to happen? It's all such a mess and I feel like the whole future of the group is suddenly depending on me working it out. It's so much pressure. Why can't things ever be simple? Sorry for the delay with getting this chapter out to you. I hope you enjoyed it and that you'll let me know what you think at just_jamie007@hotmail.com