"Hi Mom!" Joshua said animatedly into the phone.
His mother, Trisha, was one of the few people in his family he got along
with. He called her every weekend to find out what was going on in the
lives of his kin, and to get the latest on who his sisters were dating.
He relied on his mother for advice, but when it came to telling her everything,
he knew how big a mouth she had. He knew what he shouldn't tell her, cause
she could never keep a secret.
"Hey sweetie, hold on a sec will ya?" The
sounds of crashing and gurgling in the background suggested that Bailey
was awake and trashing Trisha's house.
"Hi hun. Sorry bout that. This little devil
is getting to be quite a pain in my ass. How are you doing?"
"I'm doing ok. I can't talk long; I got a
job interview for later today. Finally..."
"That's great! Where?"
"Eh, just this little restaurant on the strip.
Nothing fancy, but I gotta get some bills paid. How are you doing?"
"I'm ok. About how much money do you need
for the bills?"
"No, I'm fine mom, don't worry about it."
If there was one thing Josh's mother was good for, it was giving her entire
savings away if there was someone in need.
"Well, I'm still gonna send you something,"
Josh could hear the smirk in her voice, "How's the lovely Leslie doing?
Have you two tied the knot yet?"
"Eww! Please mom, don't mention that. She's
fine. Everything is fine. I think."
"What about the other thing..."
"What other thing?"
"You know what other thing!"
"No I don't." Josh didn't want to give in,
he knew his mother needed to say it, just once. "After all these years,
you still can't say it? Didn't your psychologist say you needed to learn
to externalize you feelings...? Or some such bull shit?"
"Something like that. And you know I can't
say it. But is it better?"
"Yeah, mom, I haven't cut in over two months.
I think I'm doing very well. Dr. Hunt would be pleased. But then, probably
not, I wouldn't have to come as often. He wouldn't be making as much money,"
he smiled inwardly.
"Good! Honey, I'm really proud of you. Keep
it up, and eventually you can stop. Hopefully. Nothing at all is new here,
just the usual. Your father is trying to get rich... Again." Josh heard a
crash in the background, "Shit! Honey, I gotta go. I'll give you a call
next weekend. Take it easy."
"Bye mom. Good luck with Bailey!"
Josh's mother had never been able to say what
Josh did to himself. One day, after coming home from work, she found Josh
asleep on the couch. His pants leg was high on his leg, and she noticed
red scratches. Large, long red scratches. As she looked closer, she noticed
that both of his legs were very cut up. She immediately phoned a friend
of hers, who knew of the best psychologists in the state. Even after all
the sessions, she couldn't deal with the fact that her son cut himself
to relieve the pain in his life. And she thought he was perfect.
And on the outside, it appeared as if he was.
He had a nice apartment, lots of friends, a comfortable life, and a supportive
family. But if you look just a little deeper, you see exactly what's there.
Nothing but shit. His entire life was a lie. No one knew the truth within
him, except maybe Leslie, his best friend. And after what happened the
night before, he wasn't sure that he knew himself very well either.
He had gone out with Leslie to an N'sync concert,
and afterwards gone clubbing with them. He's not even sure how that happened.
Leslie must have offered to sleep with one of them, it was just too odd.
The biggest pop band in... Well anywhere... Asked Leslie and I if we wanted
to go clubbing. And I was half asleep anyway. It was probably just a strange
dream. But then, something odd happened. He found himself being hit on
by another man. And liking it. And he was fully ready to leave when Leslie
had stopped him.
For some reason, her argument worked. All
he needed was validation. He had always thought that being attracted to
men was wrong. And he wasn't really attracted to Lance anyway, but he figured
it couldn't hurt to be with someone. If you can't be with the one you love,
love the one your with, you know?
None of his previous relationships had worked
out. They had either lasted all of two weeks, or were based on a foundation
that had no way of staying together. He knew what he was getting himself
into, and thus he didn't allow himself to become emotionally attached.
He knew that some people were meant to be together. He truly believed he
wasn't meant to be with anyone. He thought of himself as lucky, because
he didn't have to let anyone in. If he didn't let anyone in, no one could
walk out on him. There was safety in keeping people at arm's length. And
if they dared to cross a line, and try to become closer, they were bound
to be dumped.
And this is why he cut. Nothing else in his
life was real, nothing else was tangible. The pain he experienced when
he cut himself was real. He could say that he was sure of what he was feeling.
The pain wasn't even bad; it helped to release all of his demons and anxieties.
And he loved it.
The only reason he hadn't cut in over a month
was that he was too busy. He needed money for college, so he kept trying
to get a job. Not that it ever worked. He finally got a solid interview,
but he was sure he wouldn't be able to get it. He had hardly any money
in the bank, and was living off bread and water... Almost literally. `What
the hell,' he thought. `It's not like I have anything else to do, its just
another interview.'
As he drove to the restaurant, he began to
wonder if he would ever be happy. Life never seemed to give him a break.
He wasn't really feeling sorry for himself, but he was just tired of trying
and getting no results. He walked into the restaurant with his head bent
low, a sense of defeat lingering over him. Stopping at the cashier to ask
where the manager's office was, he had a feeling someone's eyes were on
him. Ignoring it, he headed in the direction of where the office was.
***
Sitting down on the bench outside the restaurant,
he knew he didn't get the job. And this being his last chance, he had to
admit defeat. "What the fuck is wrong with me?" he said, to no one in particular.
After what seemed like an eternity of introspection, he stood up, and walked
to his car. When he put the key in the door, someone tapped him on the
shoulder. He jumped and turned around, and was almost nose to nose with
one of the waiters in the restaurant.
"Your attitude." the waiter said, sounding
smug.
"Excuse me?" Josh was confused.
"You asked what was wrong with you. It's your
attitude. If you walk into a place not believing you're gonna accomplish
anything, you won't. Whatever you put into something, you get out of it.
Before you say anything about how corny and cliché that sounded,
think about it. But not too long, I'm on my break."
"Uh... Yeah, thanks for the advice. I gotta
go now." All Josh needed right now was someone spouting half hearted philosophical
dribble. He almost appreciated it.
"Don't go, you look hungry. I'm on a break,
wanna grab a bite?"
"What do you mean, I look hungry?"
"Well look at you. You're too thin. You need
to eat." A compliment. Josh was hooked.
"Thanks."
"That wasn't a..."
"So, you're gonna take me to lunch then. What's
your name again?" Josh cut him off. Food he could deal with. A discussion
about how thin he was, that's another thing.
"It's Bryce... Lunch it is I guess."
*A few drinks later*
"Well, I've always believed in love. I just
know that I'm not one of the people who'll experience it. And I don't think
it's a bad thing. I'll be a fifty-year-old, in a nice car, cruising the
strip. It's not that bad. I mean, who needs love? Not me! I can get by
just fine without it."
"Always the optimistic one, eh Josh? Life
isn't worth living without the possibility of love. Wouldn't you like to
be curled up in someone's arms, feeling safe and secure, and knowing how
much that person loves you? That's what I want in life."
"I want a big house, a nice job, a few close
friends, and lots and lots of money. If I fall in love, it'll just screw
everything up. I don't need love. I've gotten this far without it."
"Someone will come along one day and change
your mind about that. I hope maybe that person could be me." Bryce mumbled
the last part, almost inaudibly.
"You think you could? I highly doubt it. No
offense. But if you want a challenge, I'm up for it." Josh was drunk. Obviously.
Somewhere in his mind, he knew how stupid he sounded. And how much he didn't
need someone in his life. But he was too drunk to care. "When is lunch
getting here anyways? It's been over an hour!"
"It's been ten minutes," Bryce giggled. He
hadn't seen anyone who could hold their liquor as poorly as Josh could
before. Just about as he said that, the waitress brought their food out.
"Finally," Josh slurred, and the waitress
cast a worried glance towards him.
"You're not driving home, are ya?" she asked, a hint of a Southern
drawl to her voice. Josh looked up at her and shook his head. He knew better
than to drink and drive. He'd just get a cab... Or walk home. It wasn't far.
Just twenty miles or so...
Josh and Bryce ate their lunch in quiet contemplation
of one another, neither knowing just how to proceed. Bryce was convinced
that Josh was drunk, and that nothing he said could be taken completely
seriously. And Josh was convinced that Bryce was simply humoring him, and
trying to make him feel better since he obviously didn't get the job. At
the end of the meal, Josh excused himself to use the bathroom, and Bryce
wondered if he should try to pursue anything with Josh.
`He is kinda cute,' Bryce thought, `His eyes
are intoxicating, and his hair is perfect. Too perfect. He's definitely
gay. Or at least bi. And he seems interested. Somewhat. Well, maybe I'll
just give him my phone number. As a friendly jester. Sure, he'll buy that.
I've just completely thrown myself at his feet. I'm practically screaming
TAKE ME HOME!' Even his inner voice was sarcastic.
"Hi," Josh said, standing over the table.
"Look, I'm sobering up kinda quick, I really didn't drink that much. I
should be heading home. Thanks for lunch, I appreciate it." Josh wanted
to leave. He figured it was better than staying. He couldn't get attached
to anyone. Not now. He could barely support himself financially, and he
needed that squared away before he could continue with someone else.
"Ok. Are you sure you can make it home?" Bryce
asked as Josh nodded. "Ok, well... Here." Bryce grabbed a pen from his pocket
and scribbled his number on the back of a napkin. "Call me sometime. We
could go out."
"Sure," Josh tried not to sound exasperated.
"It was nice meeting you." And with that, and a pat on the shoulder, he
was gone. Quickly getting into his car, he drove home. `A new record,'
he thought, `Two people hitting on you in under 48 hours. And both male.
Am I gay? I can't be. My parents didn't raise me this way. Jesus, I sound
like a fucking bigot. And a hypocrite for that matter. Maybe I should call
Bryce. What could it hurt? Maybe he could talk the manager into giving
me a waiter's job. I mean, how could I fuck up an interview for waiting
tables? I must be some kind of pathetic freak.'
Putting his key in the lock, he noticed lights
on in the kitchen. `Odd, I don't remember leaving those on.' Then, he heard
crashing, followed by someone muttering some rather creative expletives.
"Hello?" he yelled into the house.
"Oh shit! You're home already! I was gonna
cook," Leslie. Trying to cook again... This could be painful.
Deciding against walking into the kitchen, he instead walked
into his bedroom and hit the light. A familiar red light blinked on his
answering machine, and he absentmindedly clicked the button to listen to
the messages.
"Hello Mr. Hoff! Congratulations, you've won..."
These are the days
You'll remember
Never before and never since
I promise
The whole world will be as warm as this
And as you feel it
You'll know it's true
That you
Are blessed and lucky
It's true
That you
Are touched by something
That'll grow and bloom
In you
These are the days
That you'll remember
So, how was it? Should I continue? Let me know, my E-Mail adress is Fricklor@aol.com. Thanks!