Lost Without You

Chapter -- 11
by JT Poole and Nikki Brown

Saturday Afternoon -- Sheraton Hotel -- Howie's Room

Howie's POV

I was such a fool to believe that Joey really loved me. How can someone that loves you try to kill you? I'm finally convinced that he didn't love me like I love him. If he loved me or had an ounce of love for me, he wouldn't have tried to kill me those three times. If it wasn't for Alex and Kevin, he probably would've gotten another chance to try smothering me again. I'm just a stupid fuck up. Kevin and Brian told me that I shouldn't waste my time with him and move on, but that's hard to do. I love him, I thought he loved me. It's hard to turn your emotions off and on like that.

Maybe Joey should have killed me. I don't deserve to live anyway. I couldn't make him happy. Shit I haven't made any man happy. I'm just a useless piece of trash that couldn't please the man he loves. If I couldn't please Joey, how in the hell would I be able to please Kevin again?

If I couldn't be with Joey, I would have loved to have been with Kevin. I know I don't have a chance with him anymore. Kevin's back to being straight as an arrow and married to that bitch Kristin. I don't know why he even married her. She treats him like dirt. She's only out for his money. If she even knew that I was thinking the thoughts I had to get back with him, she'd bite my dick off and make me eat it and swallow it without fully chewing. I don't know how I fell in love with Kevin; we only had a physical thing at the beginning. Over the years I've grown to see him as the man I've always wanted to be with as my own.

I can't worry about all that stuff right now. I'll just try what everyone's been telling me and move on or do myself in, whichever is first. I don't know how successful I'll be at either, but I'll try whatever that takes the pain away faster. There must be someone out there for me that will love me and treat me the way I deserve to be treated. I'm trying to wait around for him, but I don't know for how long. Who could that be? I'm not in the mood for dealing with anyone right now. I just want to be left alone.

"Who's there?" I ask, walking over to the door, opening it to see AJ standing there with a brown bag with a bottle of something. "Alex what do you want?"

Clearly, he's been drinking again. Why has he been drinking so much again? As soon as we decided to get back together to do this tour, he started pouring the drinks heavily. If he keeps up at the pace he's going, he'll be right back in rehab again before we've even gotten back on the road.

"I wanted to make sure my best <burp> friend was okay. Are you okay D?" He asks me as he burps again and stumbles into the room.

"I'm fine Alex. Do you need to sit down?" I ask him as he stumbles and wraps his arms around me.

"I'm glad you're okay man. I'm glad we got to you before he could hurt you," he tells me as I really didn't want to hear about that stuff right now as I could smell the booze all over him.

"Alex man you need a shower," I tell him as he burps again and I push him into the nearest chair. "Why have you been drinking so much?"

"I have a right to drink when I want to," he answers me, reaching for my hand and pulling me into the chair. "If I had something to focus on besides what's in this bottle, I wouldn't be drinking."

"Then maybe you need to find something to focus on," I tell him as he looks down and let's go of my hand.

"I tried, but it didn't work. I'm sorry for disturbing you D, I'll leave now," he tells me as he staggers up from the chair and walks towards the door. "If you need me, call me."

"Alex...Alex?" I say as he opens the door to walk out but Joey is standing there.

"What the hell are you doing with my bitch Mclean?" Joey asks him as he grabs Alex by his shirt collar and pushes him up against the doorframe. "Huh? What are you doing with my bitch?"

"Get off me Joey!" Alex screams, pushing Joey away from him and trying to hit him with his beer bottle.

"Fucking slush head! You couldn't protect your self from a damn fly," Joey tells him as he punched Alex in the stomach, causing him to double over from the pain.

"Owwww!" Alex screams out as I ran into the bathroom and shut the door, trying to keep Joey away from me. I know I should have checked to make sure Alex was okay, but I don't need to be around Joey right now.

"Come out bitch! You can't hide in the bathroom forever!" I hear Joey scream as he kicks the bathroom door. "Get your lil sweet ass out here before I break this fucking door down! I'm not going to ask you again bitch! Open this damn door!"

What was I to do? I know if I open the door, I might get hurt because of what happened earlier. But if I don't open the door, he might break it down and hurt me regardless. This is a no win situation and it looks like I don't have any options. I guess I'll just open the door and deal with whatever he has to deal out to me.

Memphis, TN -- Justin's House

Lance's POV

Things are really going well between the two of us. I thought this was all a big joke that Justin was using to get me to calm down, but I see that it's not after he called Lynn and Paul and told them that we were making plans to get married. To say the least, Lynn was happy to hear it, but Paul was totally angry. I understand that he wants Justin to be straight, but like Lynn told him, you can't always control who you fall in love with.

"Baby are you all right?" I ask him as he walks back into the room with a beer in his hand.

"I'm fine," he answers me, sitting down in the chair, not looking up at me.

Considering that he has a beer in his hand and he's not looking at me, I can guess that he's still upset about whatever it was Paul said to him during their private talk. Taking his hint, I'll just get up and go into one of the guest rooms and stay out of his way. I don't want to cause any unneeded stress for the two of us.

"Where are you going? I just got back," he says, looking up at me for the first time since he walked into the room.

"I think I'll go take a nap in one of the guest rooms," I tell him as he gets up, places his beer on the night table and then gets up and grabs me by the arm.

"If you want to take nap, there's the bed baby, take a nap!" He shouts, pushing me towards the bed.

"Justin!" I scream at him as he looks down.

"I'm sorry baby, I didn't mean to push you like that," he says, walking away from me and going back to where he was sitting and grabs his beer as he takes another sip.

"Do you want to talk about it baby?" I ask him as I walk closer to him and notice that he's crying.

"No I don't want to talk about it," he answers me as he stands up and wraps his arms around me. "Mom is okay about us. She wants us to get married. Dad says if I marry you, he'll act like I no longer exist."

"What? Why?" I ask him as he shakes his head.

"He said that he and mom didn't raise me to be gay," he tells me.

"But if Lynn accepts you, us, then why can't he?" I ask him.

"I don't know why," he tells me as I hug him close and he just cries on my shoulder.

"Things are going to work out baby. What did Lynn say when she heard him?" I ask him.

"She doesn't know and I'm not going to tell her," he tells me as he pulls back and kisses me passionately. "I love you Lance and once we get married, you'll be all I have left."

"That's not true baby. You'll have the guys and your mom. Lynn accepts us. I don't know why Paul can't," I tell him as he shakes his head again.

"He'll probably turn her against us sooner or later. I'll just save him the trouble and just stop talking to her," he tells me as I pull away from him.

"You can't do that to Lynn baby," I tell him as he looks down. "She loves you and from what she told me, she had been pushing you for a long time to make things permanent with us."

"Yeah she has. She told me that if I really loved you to stop fooling around with you the way I was," he tells me as he leans in and kisses me again. "I love you Lance and I'm not going to let dad ruin this for us."

"He's not going to ruin anything Justin. I'm sure Paul will come around," I tell him as he sits down in the chair and then pulls me into his lap.

"He might come around and then he might not," he tells me as he holds me in his arms.

"We just have to sit around and wait to see what happens," I tell him as I lay my head on his shoulder and close my eyes.

Orlando, FL - A Fancy Restaurant

Brian's POV

He's sitting there with that smug look on his face that's begging for me to just beat the hell out of him. I don't know what he's trying to pull with Nikki, but he's not going to get away with it. I know he's got some sneaky plan up his damn sleeve to cause problems for me and JT and I'm not going to let him do that either. I just don't know what it is that he's planning to do. The way Nikki is looking at him, I think she's falling for him. I hope that doesn't happen. That would be a very bad thing. I must tell her of his intentions and soon before he does something stupid to break her heart. She shouldn't have to go through that crap just because he's using her to cause problems for me. I'll figure out what he's up to and when I do, I'll bust his ass for it.

"So what happens on Monday JT?" Kess asks him as he takes a sip of his drink and looks over to her.

"Well we have a meeting on Monday with the guys of N Sync. If nothing happens, the first part of the tour will be on the way. If those guys agree to Kevin's idea, then they will join in a few weeks later," he tells her as she takes a bite of her chicken.

"Cool man," she says. "So when do I go in to practice and stuff?"

"I think you need to meet the other dancers, the tour manager and your own backup singers. Once you all get together, I'm sure things will fall into place," he tells her as she shrugs and takes another bite of her chicken.

"Well I met with that chick named Lila. I don't think she's going to be good with me singing lead. Whose idea was it to replace Raven with her?" She asks as I motion for the waiter to come over.

"Sir?" The waiter asks, standing next to me as I ask him to refill my glass and bring me another helping of dessert. "Does anyone else require anything?"

"I'm cool," Nick replies, wiping his mouth and getting up from the table. "I need to take a walk."

"Have fun," I tell him as he glares at me and then walks away.

"Are you full little man?" JT asks Chad as he wipes his mouth and takes a sip of his drink.

"Yes daddy," Chad answers him as he looks over at me, then Nikki and Kess. "What else are we going to do today?"

"Well whatever you want to do son," JT tells him and then looks at me. "Anything you want to do within reason."

"Okay daddy," Chad replies, taking another drink. "Can we go someplace fun?"

"Sure we can," I say before JT could answer. "We can go to an amusement park."

"Cool Brian," Chad says as JT looks down and shakes his head.

"Well we might as well get out of here," he says as he pulls his wallet out and pulls out a credit card.

"No handsome, this meal is on me," I tell him as I hand the waiter my credit card.

"More like in you," he says, rubbing my stomach as I look at him and he smiles. "I might have to rub your belly for good luck later on today."

"I was hoping you would rub something else," I whisper into his ear as he almost chokes on his drink.

"Brian," he says as he leans over and nips at my ear. "If you be nice, I might do more than that."

"Ooooh baby," I tell him. "I'll be the nicest Backstreet Boy you've ever met."

"So far you are the nicest Backstreet Boy I've met," he says as Nick sits back down at the table.

"Cool baby," I say, leaning in and kissing him on the cheek as Nick clears his throat.

"Are you feeling okay Nick? You might need to have a doctor look at your throat. It's hard to sing with a sore throat," JT tells him as Nick glares at him.

"Nick will you please mind your own business. This is between me and my man," I tell him as I pull JT to me and we passionately kiss again as Nick gets up in a hurry.

"Brian baby, you only did that to get a rise out of Nick," JT tells me as he pulls back and gets up. "Let's get on with the rest of the day."

"That sounds like a good idea. Ms. Nikki, would you like to accompany me on this outing?" Nick asks her as she smiles and stands up.

"Sure I would," she tells him. "You know the rules."

"Yes I remember," Nick answers her as the waiter walks back over to us and hands me my card and whispers in my ear.

"What do you mean it was declined?" I ask him as he hands me the slip of paper that requested for me to call my bank. "Did you try it again?"

"No sir I didn't try it again. In situations like this, it's our policy to destroy the card," the waiter tells me as he smiles and hands me the check.

"Well here, try this one," I tell him, handing him another card.

"Okay sir," he tells me as he takes the card and check and walk away.

"Is there something wrong Brian?" JT asks me as he steps closer to me.

"Nothing to worry about baby," I tell him as he turns back around to help Chad clean up.

"Well I'll meet you two out in the car," JT tells me and Kess as he and Chad walked out following Nick and Nikki.

Two Hours Later -- An Amusement Park

Nick's POV

The day started off bad with all the drama that was going on in the tabloids about Brian. How in the hell could he be so careless as to let himself get caught out in the open like that with that little boy? With all the shit going on with him, why didn't he think that could affect him and the rest of us if he was seen? He needs his ass beat down like he owes back child support to his baby momma or something. I'm trying to keep my cool, but the more I see him and JT together, doing things that he should only be doing with a woman, the more I feel like I'm loosing control. This day will be over in a little while and hopefully by then, JT would've done what he said he was going to do in the meeting. I know Brian is going to be hurt by that, but it's for his own good. Hopefully then, Brian will be shown the error of his ways and see that what I've been telling him is the truth. He needs a woman in his life, not a man damnit.

"Aunt Nikki, can we please go on the Ferris Wheel now?" Chad asks Nikki, grabbing her hand and pulling her in the direction of the ride he wanted to go on.

"Sure we can," she laughs, walking along with him. "Slow down kid."

"We have to hurry. The lines aren't long so it won't take long now," he tells her as I walk up behind them.

I'm trying to kick it with her and I can't get a good word in edgewise. We're either standing in line with him surrounded by other kids or she's gone off on a ride. This little brat is starting to get on my nerves. Why in the hell is he with the two of us anyway, he should be with his daddy and Brian.

"Nick are you okay?" Nikki asks me as we stood in line waiting to get on the Ferris Wheel. "You look kinda lost in thought or something."

"I'm fine Nikki," I tell her as she stares into my eyes as I'm unable to look away from her.

Those beautiful eyes of hers were breathtaking and captivating. I was so enthralled by her eyes, all I wanted to do was hold her and make passionate love to her right then and there. What is it with this girl? Am I falling for her or what?

"Nick? You're starting to scare me. Are you sure you're okay?" She asks me again as I lean in to her, kissing her on the mouth as she puts her hands on my chest and pushes me away. "Have you lost your mind Nick?"

"N-no I haven't. I don't know what came over me Nikki. I...I just had to kiss you, kiss those lips. They're so inviting," I tell her as she looks down at Chad and then back up at me. "I'm sorry Nikki, I didn't mean..."

"It's okay Nick. Next time, you might want to give a girl some warning," she tells me as I smile at her.

"So you're not mad?" I ask her.

"No, I'm not mad Nick," she tells me as I kept smiling at her.

A Few Feet Away

Brian's POV

This day started off good, but now I just want it to end. It doesn't look like things are going to get better between Nick and me and it looks like things are going downhill for me and JT too. Since we've been here, he's not said much to me. Every time I ask him is there something wrong, he looks away quickly and shakes his head. I'm starting to think he's upset and hiding something from me. I don't know what the deal is, but it seems since we left Jive today, he's been acting strange.

Since we got here to the park, people have been looking at the two of us like we'd grown extra appendages or something. I don't know if this has something to do with the pictures in the paper or not, but I'm trying to keep it from ruining my time with JT. This is getting so damn annoying; it's starting to piss me off.

"JT, baby what's wrong?" I ask him as he stops walking and turns to look at me.

"We can't stay together Brian," he tells me as I look at him wide-eyed.

"What? Why not baby?" I ask him as other people slow up and start looking at us.

"Maybe I should have waited until we were alone or something," he tells me as he closes his eyes and a few tears escape the corners.

"Baby can you at least tell me why we can't stay together?" I ask him as he looks up at me.

"It's quite simple really. If we're not together, there won't be any problems between me and your friends," he tells me as he wipes at his eyes. "Since you've been with me, there's been a little bit of drama going on between you and Nick. I'm not going to be in the middle of your arguments."

"JT you can't...can't let Nick do this to us," I tell him.

"I'm not letting him do anything," he tells me. "I believe he's right. Maybe you shouldn't be with me. You should be with someone that's not able to fuck up your career."

"JT don't you love me?" I ask him as he looks away from me quickly.

"You know I have feelings for you Brian, but we just can't be together. It's for the good of your band," he tells me as he walks over to me, kisses me and then walks away.

"JT? JT where are you going?" I ask him.

"I'm going to find my son and then I'm taking him home," he says, still walking away from me as other people were standing around watching us. "Send me a bill for all the things you purchased for him and you will be reimbursed."

"What! I don't want reimbursement! I want you!" I shout out to him as he stops walking and then continues on his way.

Didn't know if I could make it
I tried to hold out as long as I could
I have to tell you how I feel
Cause I don't want to be misunderstood

I sang as JT stopped walking again and people looked at me funny.

It's time that we got together
And prove what a love should be
Our love could be like a dream
We could be a fantasy if only you will just

Love me, love me, I'll be there for you
Love me, love me, it will be a dream come true
Love me, love me, happiness is overdue
Love me, love me, the way that I love you 

I sang more as I saw him move his hand up to his face.

I was standing there, out in the open singing to him. I didn't know what else to do to stop him from leaving me. The only thing that popped up into my mind was singing to him. It worked the other night when we first met; I was hoping that the singing would work again.

I know you've been through so many changes
With other loves that weren't there for you
If you let me in your life I'll do all that I can
To make this love paradise for two

Someone to share life forever
That's what I'll be for you
We'll leave the whole world behind
This would be reality if only you would just

I kept singing as he turned around and looked at me as a whole lot of people started gathering around including Kess, Nikki, Chad and Nick.

Love me, love me, I'll be there for you
Love me, love me, it will be a dream come true
Love me, love me, happiness is overdue
Love me, love me, the way that I love you

I know you've been through so much pain
I know you've been through so much pain
But we can leave the whole world...the whole world behind
Come on come on come on baby

I sang the last verse of the song and he just walked over to me and wrapped his arms around me as we kissed and everyone around us started clapping and doing catcalls. "Just say you'll give me a chance to show you that love."

"Brian, I...I...okay," he says as I see Nick drop his head down and turn around. "After a performance like that, how else can I say no to you?"

"You can't baby, so there," I say as we kiss again. "Why don't we get out of this place, some of these people are starting to infuriate me."

"Well as soon as we get everyone up, we can head home. I'm sure Chad's had a day of fun," he tells me as I turn him around to see Chad with Kess. Nick and Nikki were nowhere to be seen in the crowd of people that was dying down.

"Daddy," Chad says as he runs over to us and wraps himself around JT's legs.

"Hello Chad," he says as he picks up his son and hugs him. "Did you have a good time?"

"Yes daddy," Chad answers him as I walk over to Kess.

"Hi Kess, do you happen to know where Nick and Nikki went?" I ask her.

"They left to go someplace else," she tells me as we walk over to JT and Chad.

"Are we ready to leave?" JT asks as he pulls out his keys.

"I sleepy daddy," Chad tells him as I smile at him.

"Come on big man," I tell him as I pick him up to let him piggyback. "I guess we're all set then."


Author's Note: Love Me by Tracie Spencer courtesy of Capitol Records. I didn't write the song, just used the lyrics to convey a point.


I don't know any of the members of N SYNC, Backstreet Boys or any other celebrities mentioned. I don't know anything about their sexual orientation or the orientation of any other celebrities in this story (even though I wish some of them were gay). This story is fiction and you shouldn't take it for anything else but that. This is for entertainment value only folks.