Lost Without You

Chapter -- 8
by JT Poole and Nikki Brown

Orlando, FL -- Howard Marshall's Law Office


This is turning out to be one of those Friday afternoon's where I wish I would have just stayed home. I just met my son and already, we're on shaky ground. From the way he looked and the way he just talked to me, I know he's not happy about meeting me under these circumstances. I know it's bad, but I had no idea that he existed. All I can do now is try to get through to him and hope that we can somehow bond. From what Mr. Marshall says, he has no one else to turn to but me. I'm taking that to mean that Tasha's mom finally died. I know that sounds bad, but when we were in school, her mother had a bad heart condition then. Since he has no one left in the world but me and from the look on his face standing there; he doesn't like that one bit.

"Hi there Chad, can we talk?" I say, walking up to him and kneeling down to him.

"Leave me alone," he says, wiping his eyes as he cried. "Just leave me alone. I don't need you!"

"Chad I can't leave you alone. I just found out about you." I tell him as he physically pushes me away from him.

"Just leave me alone alright! You weren't around when me and mommy needed you, what makes you think I need you now?" He asks me as he starts crying harder.

"Chad I didn't know about you son, Tasha never told me. How am I supposed to be around when I was never told that you existed?" I ask him as he looks at me with anger in his eyes.

"You should have known! Mommy said you just up and moved away and never talked to her again!" He yells at me as I look down now.

I don't know what to actually say to him right now. A little of what he was saying was the truth. I did up and leave Tasha and I moved here to Orlando. I couldn't stomach living the rest of my life in that horse and buggy town. I had to be me and free and being there in Swainsboro wasn't going to be a good thing with me being gay. Looking up at him and reaching out to hold him while he cried, he didn't pull away this time when I touched him. He looked at me and just fell into my arms and started crying.

"Why couldn't you have been around earlier daddy?" He asks me as he cried on my shoulder.

"I'm sorry I wasn't. I wish I was." I tell him, rubbing his back as he hugged me tighter. "I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere."

"But...but it's too late now! Mommy isn't here now!" He shouts, still crying as I continue to rub his back.

"It's not too late Chad. I'm here now and I know it isn't the way you wanted to meet me, but here I am in the flesh." I tell him as he continued to cry on my shoulder.

Kneeling here with him in my arms, a wave of sadness passed through me and I felt my own emotional floodgates open as I started crying with him. I might be gay, but I really did have feelings for his mother. When I was in college, I thought I was trying to do things right, but I just couldn't do it. I just kept going through the motions and I guess that's how he got here with us today. Lord please let the two of us get through this.

"Is everything alright out here?" Brian asks me as he walks up behind us. "You two have been out here for a while. I thought I would come and check on you."

"We're alright Brian. We just needed to talk for a bit." I tell him as he pats me on the back.

"Okay babe, when you two are done, Mr. Marshall has some things for you to sign." Brian tells me as I realized he just called me babe in front of Chad.

A Few Minutes Later -- Back in Mr. Marshall's Office

"So how are things going with you two?" Howard Marshall asks as JT and Chad walk back into his office.

"I don't know," JT says as he looks down at Chad, who was still crying softly.

"Well I had Mrs. Sutters call the social services representative and you two can talk or whatever you need to do to get you and your son on the way to a healthy relationship." Howard tells him.

"I think we're going to need all the help we can get." JT tells him as Chad looks up and over to Brian.

"You? You're the person I heard out there in the hallway. You're Brian Littrell of the Backstreet Boys," Chad says, walking over to Brian. "Oh my God. Do you know my daddy?"

"Ahhh, yes I know your daddy," Brian says looking over at JT, not knowing what really to say to Chad.

"So you called daddy babe out in the hallway. So it's true that you're gay then?" Chad asks as Brian starts to sweat a little bit.

"Yes I'm gay Chad." Brian tells him as he turns around to look at JT. "Is that why you left mommy?"

"Ah well, no...well...ah...well...yes it is Chad." JT tells him. "If I would have known that she was pregnant, I would have stayed, but she never told me."

"You never gave her any chance to daddy," Chad says as there's a knock at the door and Mrs. Sutters is standing there with a short white guy.

"Good afternoon gentlemen and ladies. My name is Andrew Taggert. I've been assigned to oversee your case Mr. Poole." The man tells all of us as he walks over to JT and shakes his hand and then looks over to Chad. "Hello there young man, how are you doing today?"

"Hi Mr. Taggert," Chad says as he looks up evilly at the man.

At the Sheraton Hotel -- Joey Fatone's Room

Howie's POV

Why do I keep putting myself into positions like this with him? I know he doesn't really love me, he only sees me as an easy fuck toy. I should have listened to Kevin and AJ. I should have just let all of my feelings for him go, but I just couldn't. I love him, but he doesn't love me. He's like a drug, a bad habit, but I'm nothing, nothing but a damn thing for him to use and get his fucking rocks off.

Oh God please let me get through this alive. I never asked for this Lord. I promise that if I make it out of this alive, I'll never let myself get into this position with Joey again. I'll do whatever I need to...to stay away from him forever Lord. Please let me get out of this.

"Howie! Howie are you in there? Howie open this door!" I hear Kevin's voice outside of the room.

"What the fuck?" Joey asks, as he gets off of me and grabs his pants. "Don't you fucking move bitch!"

"Howie we know you're in there!" Kevin shouts as he starts banging on the door. "Don't make us call security to open this door!"

"What the hell you want?" Joey asks opening the door as Kevin and AJ run into the room to get Howie. "You can't just run up in here!"

"Howie! Howie are you okay?" Kevin asks, looking around the room as AJ walks into the bedroom to see was Howie there.

"He's in here Kev!" AJ shouts as Kevin pushes Joey out of the way. "He doesn't look so good."

"What da hell did you do to him?" Kevin asks Joey as he grabs him by his neck, ready to choke him.

"Get your fucking hands off me," Joey says, struggling with Kevin as AJ helps Howie out into the main room.

"Oh my God," Kevin says, tightening his group on Joey's next as Joey is visibly loosing air. "Are you alright D?"

"Kevin stop! You're killing him," Howie says as he limps over to Kevin and Joey. "Let him go!"

"D he hurt you!" Kevin shouts, not letting go of Joey as Howie tries to make him. "D stop! I'm only doing to him what I know he probably tried to do to you!"

"Don't hurt him! Just leave him here and take me back to my room," Howie says, tears running down his face as AJ came out of the bedroom with Howie's clothes.

Memphis, TN -- Justin's House

Justin's POV

Momma kept telling me to stop stringing him along and do something permanent. If this isn't permanent, then I don't know what is. I guess momma has always known that I was more gay than straight. I think this will be the biggest eye opener for everybody. Me and Lance are getting married and I don't know whether to jump up and down for joy or cry for him. I just hope I don't do something to fuck us up.

"Justin are you okay?" Lance asks me as he comes back into the room and sits down next to me.

"Yeah baby I'm fine." I tell him as he leans in and kisses me on the cheek. "Where did you go?"

"I went to go get my laptop out of my bag." He tells me as he places it on the table and turns it on.

"Don't tell me you're going to start working?" I ask him as he shakes his head, kiss me on the cheek again and then pulls out a small card like thing and slides it into the side of the computer.

"You do have the wireless internet connections in here don't you?" He asks me as I nod at him. "Cool. I'm going to show you something on the internet."

"Show me what?" I ask him.

"You'll see," he says as he starts typing some stuff into the command line and a window opens that shows the Official N Sync Webpage.

"That's our website," I say as he smiles at me.

"Yes it is baby. Should I tell our fans about this new development in our lives or should we keep it under wraps for a while?" He asks me as he I look at him like he had spouted another eye.

"What? We can't tell the world yet Lance." I tell him as his smile fades quickly. "It would totally cause bad publicity for us. You know the world ain't ready to accept gay people yet."

"Maybe so, but I was like thinking that we could be the first to set a trend or something." He tells me as he closes the cover and places the laptop on the table and gets up from the sofa as I grab his arm.

"You ain't going anywhere," I say as he looks away with tears in his eyes. "I love you Lance and I want to marry you, but I don't think it's wise for us to put that out there just yet. Why don't we wait and tell the others when we see them at the meeting on Monday."

"Maybe you're right Justin," he says as he sits back down and I pull him into my lap. "I thought they would like treat us the same way since they still like Brian of the Backstreet Boys and he came out and even confessed to cheating on his wife."

"Well things are different with us baby," I say as I kiss him on his neck and he melts into me.

"I guess they are," he says as he leans into my touch and he cranes his neck so that we can kiss as I start rubbing his stomach.

Orlando, FL -- Howard Marshall's Law Office.


So far things have taken on a dismal mood now that the excitement of today's events has worn off. After what seems like hours, Chad isn't crying anymore, all the paperwork is taken care of and Brian and Nikki both look like they can eat a horse. After squaring everything with Mr. Marshall and Mr. Taggert, I was told about everything I needed to know and we were off to the car. As we entered the underground parking garage, Chad took my hand and held on to it tightly. Getting to the car, he looked up at me and then Brian.

"You drive a Benz?" He asks as I shook my head and pressed the button to disarm the car as he started touching it like he had never seen one up close before.

"Yes I have a Benz," I say as he opens the door and jumps into the car.

"This is so cool!" He screams as Nikki looks at me and then at Brian.

"Oh this is going to be a long car ride," Nikki says as she opens the back door and climbs into the car with Brian following her.

"Is everyone starving like me?" I ask, closing my door, noticing the looks on Nikki and Brian's faces. "Where should we go eat?"

"Roberto's?" Brian suggests as Nikki elbows him in the side. "Owww."

"We're not going to Roberto's. Where would you like to eat Chad?" I ask him.

"Is there a McDonald's around here?" Chad asks me as he starts smiling.

"Sure is. I think there's one right down the street." I tell him as his smile got brighter.

"Well could we go there?" He asks me as I look in the mirror to survey the expressions on the faces of my boyfriend and best friend.

"Sure we can," I say as I crank up the car and we head out of the garage.

2 Hours Later -- Mall at the Millenia


For an eleven year old little boy, Chad sure can pack away the food. As soon as we sat down at the table, both he and Brian were gulping down their food and their drinks like there was no tomorrow. Shocked, me and Nikki just sat back and watched them hog down everything that was on their trays and some of the things that were on ours. To say the least, this went on the whole time while we were at McDonald's. After making sure that the both of them were full, we headed out to the Mall at the Milennia so that I can pick up some things for Chad.

If I wasn't shocked enough at McDonald's, the two of them running through the Mall was another thing that shocked me. I had no idea that Brian Littrell of the Backstreet Boys enjoyed shopping. As soon as we stepped through the doors, he changed into a different person and he grabbed Chad's hand and the two of them were gone.

"Good Lord, what have we've gotten ourselves into?" Nikki asks me as we followed behind Chad and Brian running in and out of stores.

"I don't know, but I think it would be best if we stayed out of their way." I tell her as we just take a seat and just waited for them to get back.

"So tell me about his mother," Nikki asks me as I turn to look at her.

"What do you want to know about her?" I ask her.

"Anything you want to tell me." She tells me as she just watches me.

"Well, let's see...we both lived in GA and we went to the same high school and college. I met her in the tenth grade when she transferred from someplace in Idaho. She was in my biology and chemistry class and we even had lunch period together. I was minding my business one day and she found herself at the table I was sitting at and we started talking. We talked about everything it seems and we were interested in some of the same things. It was like she was a girl copy of me." I tell her as she smiles. "From that day on, we clicked and we hung out almost everyday."

"Sounds like us," she says as she spots Brian and Chad running out of one store into another one. "That little boy is going to be spoiled."

"I know he is." I tell her as I close my eyes so that I can continue the story. "So when graduation day came, we both went out on the town with some other people and one thing led to another and we kinda spent the night together in a hotel."

"Whoa, wait a minute. Did she get pregnant right then?" She asks me.

"No she didn't. We fooled around plenty of times after that night. When it was time for college, we both enrolled into the same college and we found a coed place on campus and we sorta lived together as a couple." I tell her as she looks at me angrily. "What?"

"You two were living in sin like that and you just up and left her one day?" She asks me, anger written across her face. "Did you love her JT?"

"At the time I did love her, but I knew deep down that she wasn't the person or the sex that I truly wanted." I tell her as she glares at me.

"What opened your eyes JT?" She asks me.

"One night while working in the college bookstore, this guy came to check out. As soon as I saw him, it was like...like everything in my being came to life. I mean everything. My heart started beating faster, my dick had a mind of its own and my mind started spinning fantasies of what I wanted to do with that guy standing in front of me. As soon as he left, I had to take a break to get myself under control."

"You didn't go do anything gross did you?" She asks me as she turns up her nose, still looking at me.

"No I didn't Miss Nasty," I say, smirking at her. "I went and got a soda and sat out in the courtyard trying to clear my mind."

"Yeah okay. Knowing you, you probably went and whacked off or something, but okay." She tells me as I shake my head at her as I spot Chad and Brian running into a toy store. "Get on with the rest of the story."

"Okay so after getting home, I told Tasha what happened and she was basically angry at me. She slapped me and told me that if I loved her like I'd been saying, I wouldn't have been looking at that guy." I tell her as she gasps. "I had already told her that I had been having those feelings and well she told me that as long as I loved her, she wasn't going to worry. So things were back to normal for us so to speak until our second year of college."

"Tell me you didn't cheat on her, did you?" She asks me as I closed my eyes, wanting to get up and walk away. "JT you did?"

"You make it sound like I committed murder or something," I say to her as she reaches out and takes my hand.

"I'm sorry JT, I didn't mean to..." She starts, but I interrupt her.

"It's okay Nikki. I was in the wrong back then, but I can't change the past." I tell her as I take a breath. "The guy that I met in the bookstore that night was Quentin."

"Quentin as in the weird guy from your job Quentin?" She asks me.

"Yeah one in the same," I say as her eyes bugged out.

"You gots to be kidding me here. Please tell me you're kidding. Are you kidding?" Nikki asks me, sounding like she was going to hyperventilate or something.

"No girl I'm not kidding. We met in my hometown and we started secretly dating." I tell her as she turns her head. "Nikki don't. Back then he wasn't that way. When we first started dating, he was a sprung out white boy that was looking for love. I think I played an important factor in his current state of playarism."

"Playarism? Did you just make up a new word?" She asks me.

"Yeah, but it's common action, you know what I'm talking about." I tell her as she shakes her head and smiles. "One night me and Tasha was having dinner in the student union and Quentin invited himself over and sat down. He was jealous of all the time I spent with her and was mad that I didn't spend time with him out in the open, so he spilled the beans about the two of us to Tasha. She got upset and told me to get out. I moved in with Quentin and then when the quarter was over, I transferred here."

"So what happened with you and Quentin?" She asks me.

"Well after one quarter of staying around dealing with Tasha, he got tired of dealing with all the rumors that were floating around the school. One day he got fed up with it all and transferred here too and we continued dating until I started working for Jive and I sorta broke things off with him." I tell her.

"Quentin sounds like a stalker in the making." She tells me as we both spot Brian and Chad running into another store. "You know all of the stuff they're buying isn't going to fit into the Benz."

"I'm sure it won't," I tell her as I take another breath to finish the story. "So after I had been working around at Jive for a while, Quentin graduated and needed a job. After getting him situated in a position within the company, we sort of went our own separate ways for a bit."

"Well sounds to me like you were wrapped up in work," she tells me as I nod at her and then frown.

"From that point forward, my life was turned upside down. My grandfather died that year and left me all of his money, his company and stock holdings. I had been traveling back and forth between here, Georgia and New York, and not once had I seen or heard from Tasha," I tell her as she rubs my hand.

"So you two wrote each other off?" She asks me, looking me in the eye. "You cut off all contact with her and basically didn't follow what was going on with her."

"That's not actually true Nik, I had kept an eye on the things in Georgia and even had people I stayed in contact with there tell me about what was going on also. During that time, Tasha's dad had passed away because of lung cancer and that hit her very hard. I wanted to attend his funeral, but I couldn't."

"You couldn't or wouldn't?" She asks me.

"I couldn't because I was back and forth everywhere trying to keep things with my dealings with Jive and my grandfather's business afloat," I tell her as she shakes her head. "If I hadn't come back here then, I would have never gotten the position I have now."

"I'm sure the big wigs at Jive wouldn't have mind you going to a funeral JT. I'm sure they have heart enough to understand something like that," she tells me as I close my eyes, a tear rolling down my cheek.

"I'm sure you're right Nik, but I didn't want to take the chance that they wouldn't have. Letting my career come before everything else, I chose not to go the funeral," I tell her as she glares at me again. "Well I was the young fresh buck around, I didn't want to start failing at things or look bad in their eyes."

"Sure man," she says as Brian runs from another store, smiles and waves at us and then he and Chad were gone again.

"I'm serious Nikki," I say to her as she gives me a knowing smile as I continue. "After my position was fully mine and I didn't have to worry about losing it to someone else, I promoted Quentin into the record production department. Things between the two of us got going again, well until I met Lance that is. That white boy was a dream come true to me on so many levels. I was so head over heels for Lance, the things I felt for him turned my ass out. I was sprung out on the green-eyed bass singer."

"I know that already man," she tells me laughing. "When I met you, I thought, damn that boy needs to break himself before he was too far gone."

"Yeah I'm quite sure you did," I say, smiling at her. "For the first few months of our relationship, I lived, breathed and dreamt of nothing but Lance Bass. I don't think I could say anything to anyone without talking about Lance."

"I remember those times bub," she says, laughing at me. "We had some good times back then man."

"Yeah I know you do, you were there knee deep in it just like I was," I say, not wanting to drudge up things from her past that she didn't want to get back into. "You were around during that time, but we didn't actually know each other well."

"Yeah, but look at us now," she says, slapping my shoulder playfully.

"We met a few weeks after I went to LA with Lance and the other guys of N Sync. At the time I had no idea you were the one designing all of their outfits for their shows," I say as she smiles back on that time too.

"That was so long ago for us," she says as she starts giggling. "I remember the time when I first met you, you were so damn uptight. I also remember how Joey and JC use to pull those practical jokes on you. There was that one time in particular that you almost fainted. That was one of their best pranks. How did those guys ever break you out of your shell?"

"It took a lot of coaching on Jamie's part. I had to learn to not take things so seriously all the time. I could work and have fun too," I tell her, feeling a little big pissed off that I let those guys get away with all of that crap. "If I would have died, that would have been their best murder rap. Justin wouldn't have been bee-boxing for long."

"Probably not man, but you know that shit was still funny and you know it. You guys kept me laughing," she says, laughing now as I glare at her as the two of us spot Chad and Brian walking towards us. "Looks like both of your boys got tired of the shopping. Here they come."

"I hope they are. I was dog tired a long time ago. I know it's my bedtime and it should be his too," I tell her as she smiles at me.

"Well to get back to things, did you ever hear from Tasha at all?" She asks me.

"Not a word. From the time I moved her, I never heard from her or anyone associated with her again," I tell her as Chad walked up to me, crawled up into my lap and hugged my neck.

"Hi daddy," he says, looking up at me. "I think I'm tired now.

"I'm quite sure you are kid. I haven't done anything and I'm tired too," I tell him as I look at Brian. "Did you two get everything you were looking for?"

"I'm quite sure we did," Brian says as he smiles down at me.

"Since you drove the Benz, I requested that everything be delivered to your place tomorrow," he tells me as he held my hand.

"That sounds like a good plan to me. I don't have to worry about a broken axle or anything," I tell him as I wrap my arms around Chad to see that he was already asleep. "I guess you tired him out man."

"Yeah I guess I wore him out," Brian says, smiling at me and then looking over to Nikki.

"Does he have all the necessities for tonight?" I ask him.

"Yeah I think we got everything he would need," Brian tells me as he helped me get up with Chad.

"I just hope he's not allergic to anything. I have to wait until they send me all of his medical records," I say, struggling to hold Chad in my arms properly. "Let's head to the house and call it a night."

"Ah JT am I coming back with you guys tonight?" Brian asks me, those cute bluish-green eyes of his boring into my soul just a little bit. "Or am I heading back to my hotel?"

"You can come back for a bit, but I don't think you should stay the night," I tell him as we start walking for the car.

"Sounds good to me," he says as Nikki starts giggling again, shaking her head as we walked.



I don't know any of the members of N SYNC, Backstreet Boys or any other celebrities mentioned. I don't know anything about their sexual orientation or the orientation of any other celebrities in this story (even though I wish some of them were gay). This story is fiction and you shouldn't take it for anything else but that. This is for entertainment value only folks.