Date: Thu, 06 Jun 2002 13:50:45 -0700
From: Scott Lockhart <scottiescot@hotmail.com>
Subject: my girlfriend made me do it- chapter 13

	I know, I know, I'm bad, I'm an ass, I promised one chapter a week, and
it's taken me forever. All I can say is, I have had a bad case of writer's
block, and a desperate need to get as much out of my one week of summer that
I could. I'm now already well into my second week of summer studio, and I
must have spent over $400 already on architecture supplies. This is
seriously insane. I've made some fast friends, that's for sure, but we have
to buy absolutely everything ourselves. And they tell us not to try and hold
down a job while doing this studio, but how the hell are we going to afford
to buy all these materials with no job? They weren't lying though, I have
had about 12 hours of sleep altogether since Monday, doing all this busy
work in charcoal and making a very expensive model that took me fourteen
hours to make, and that they took a whole fucking ten minutes to review,
offering no helpful advice, whatsoever. I'm going crazy with worrying about
whether I'm doing this stuff right, and considering I have never done this
before, and I have virtually no help whatsoever, its panic time. To make up
for my laziness these past two weeks, I will try and find a few minutes each
day to type something for this story, but I no more promises, because I
can't seem to keep them, and the way this class goes, I might not be able to
sleep until June 24th.
	This chapter is another builder, because I'm preparing for something big
to take place in Cancun, and everyone will be there. I know it has been so
long since Spring Break. I started this in January, and now its June, but
only a month has gone by in the story, that I am starting to forget
everything that is going on, but be patient.
Email is always scottiescot@hotmail.com, and unless I get a few more
replies, hint hint, I will continue to plaster my email address all over the
place.

For you techies out there:
The usuals: Don't read this if you are morally objected to gay
relationships, or are under 18, or this is illegal where you live.
Seriously: If the warnings on the website aren't enough, at least listen to
me right now and stop if any of these conditions apply. This is a work of
fiction: I don't know any of the members of N'sync, and I have no idea who
they really are as people, including personality/sexuality, etc.

	I didn't get much sleep that night. Josh slept like a baby all curled up,
with his head against my chest, but I just stared at the ceiling for hours,
wondering what this all meant, knowing that I had made a major change in my
life, and that I didn't know what to do anymore. I had done so many things
that were totally unlike me; it was like I was on autopilot from the moment
I almost kissed Lisa. I was on pure emotion, something that I rarely let
happen. I've learned to bottle all of my emotions inside, and be calm in any
situation, not run around like a crazy person like I had done. I had
humiliated myself in front of everyone, and even if Josh's friends would
accept our relationship, I knew it would be pretty hard to face them after
the way I had acted.
	On top of dreading facing the rest of the group and hearing what they
thought of Josh and me, I also had to pretend that I felt nothing towards
Lisa, and I still hadn't told Josh about it. I wasn't even sure of what I
should say. I definitely felt an attraction to Lisa, and I'm pretty sure she
felt somewhat similar to me. She was there for me when I had pretty much
been ignored by Josh all day, and she was tough. She's the kind of girl that
never lets stuff get her down, and I greatly admire that in a woman. Always
have. I don't respect people that blame everyone and everything else for
their problems, and Lisa was exactly the kind of strong-willed, ambitious
tough girl that I wanted. Not to mention how attractive she was.
	 Shove all that aside, and I have Josh. Josh is pretty much the opposite of
Lisa. He's more nurturing, more compassionate, and a hell of a lot more
patient. He's sensitive and sentimental, loyal and dependable. Not exactly
very independent, but he brought out the emotions in me. The very first
night we met, I had already told him more than anyone else ever knew. But
Josh was attractive too, for a guy. And he's awesome in bed, that's a fact.
He knows all the right buttons to push to make it incredible, whereas most
girls expect you to do everything for them. I don't mind that really, but
its different when someone else is the aggressive one.
	Now, I'm left with nothing but guilt over what I had done, and even worse,
the fact that I knew I had to tell Josh. I felt like I was lying to him, by
not telling him. Technically, nothing had happened, but who knows what might
have happened if that old woman hadn't interrupted us right then? I decided
the best course of action was to avoid being alone with Lisa at all costs.
It was a pretty cowardly decision, but I decided I didn't trust myself. That
was going to be pretty hard considering the group basically ignored me for
about four hours every day since I had been here, and Lisa had taken it upon
herself to become "friends". What if she was having the same sort of mixed
feelings I was having about Josh and her towards her boyfriend and me, and
she wanted to "talk" about it? Each scenario I pictured in my head made the
situation worse. I didn't trust my own emotions anymore, considering what
had happened, so I made a plan to try and picture Josh every time a feeling
for Lisa came up. Denial usually makes a problem go away, right? Well shut
up, I wasn't asking you.
	Unfortunately that led me to my other little problem. The big one. I had
said the L word. You know the one. The worst, or the best, depending on how
you look at it, of the four letter words. Love. Did I love Josh? I had said
I did, but I was all caught up in my emotions, acting completely unlike me.
Did I love him, or had I just been saying it?
	I really liked Josh. He was cool, funny, great to be around. He's always
willing to stick his neck out for his friends. He's the kind of guy that
would take off his shirt and offer it to a homeless person, even if it cost
$1,000. He was that compassionate. He was sweet, and caring, a great
listener, and he wasn't one of those people that when you have a problem,
they try and rationalize the situation. If you have a problem, and you talk
to Josh, he won't try and offer a solution, or tell you what the other guy
thinks, or placate you, or anything. He had his own way of helping, and it
was like magic. If I had lost a game, or failed a pop quiz, or something, I
knew I could call josh and within five minutes I would feel better.
	Josh was dependable, and he was the only person in the world I really
talked to. I mean, yeah, I talked to my friends, but not that deep crap that
Josh and I talk about until two in the morning. He opens me up. He knows
that there is a person somewhere deep down uder all the walls I build around
myself, and he's the only one I let in. The only one. That should mean I
love him, right, if I let him get that close? And you know how cautious I
am...the last time I let someone get close she suddenly decided that I
wasn't worth it anymore.
	Love is tricky. I'm not the kind of guy that can throw that word around, it
can take a long time before I could ever say that to anyone. So far, I had
used it twice in my entire life: with Jen of course, and now with Josh. I
didn't even tell my dad I loved him, even though I did.
	Okay. Do I love Josh? Yes or no. I really really cared for Josh. He made me
happy. He made me feel complete. Was that love? Fuck! I can never take those
words back, and now I have to worry about whether I meant them or not, or I
had said them simply as a means to get Josh back. I had been out of control
at the time. Plus, I didn't want to take them back. Did I?
	I worried and worried about this, did I love Josh, yes or no. I didn't
know. I didn't hate him. And I wasn't thinking about Lisa either. I
certainly didn't love her, we'd known each other what, a day? How long had I
known Josh? About a month. One month, and I had only been able to see him
face to face a mere week at the most, all put together, and I was ready to
tell him I love him? I must have been out of mind. It took a year and a half
to say I love you, Jen.
	And they knew it was hard for me to say that. Whenever I said it, they
always burst into tears. Yes, even Jen had. They knew I was usually as
emotional as a bull, and the last thing I wanted to do was "talk about my
feelings" and they always felt like Josh did when I said those three stupid
words. Well, I had made my choice, I decided. I chose Josh. Regretting it
wasn't going to do anyone any good, I told myself stubbornly, so I fell into
a light sleep, only somewhat confident that I had made the right decision.
	I drifted off around three in the morning, but I was woken up a few hours
later by Josh. I groaned a little, as I was just having a nice dream about
him, but I noticed that he was no longer in my arms any more: he was sitting
next to me, shaking me awake.
	"Austin...Austin, wake up," he said, sounding urgent.
	"Huh? Wha? What time is it?" I groaned, glancing around for my alarm clock
before I realized that I was in Josh's room.
	"It's seven thirty," he answered.
	"What's wrong?" I said. Why had he woken me up?
	"We need to talk," he said grimly, and I stifled a groan. Oh no. If there
was anything I was bad at, it was talking.
	"Ok," I said, rubbing my eyes to finish waking up. I sat up straighter,
then noticed that I wasn't wearing anything underneath the sheet.
	"I want to talk about yesterday, and how I felt when you kept pushing me
away," he said quietly, gazing into my eyes with his soft blue ones.
	"Josh, I said I was sorry...," I started, but he held a hand to my lips.
	"When I said talk, I really meant listen, ok Austin?" he said quietly,
grinning like a little kid.
	I closed my mouth, and sat up a little.
	"When you told me yesterday that you thought we were going too fast, I was
hurt a little bit, but I figured you were right to feel overwhelmed. I mean,
you're just barely coming to terms with being gay, and having feelings for a
guy, and you're in a totally different place with new people, and I know you
aren't a very talkative person," he began, twisting the white sheet a little
bit in his hands as he talked. I traced my finger along his arm, and I was
rewarded with a smile. He looked me in the eye again and continued.
	"I felt guilty, especially since I had to leave so early for work in the
morning. So I left you that note, telling you to call me as soon as you can,
so we can talk."
	"What note?" I said, confused.
	"You know what note. I left it on your nightstand," he said, frowning.
	"I didn't see any note," I said, frowning myself. Had this all started
because I was too stupid to look for his note?
	"Maybe it fell on the floor," Josh said doubtfully, still looking me in the
eyes, as if he didn't really believe me.
	"Josh, I swear, I never found a note from you," I said. He sighed, still
not quite believing me.
	"I thought you had gotten it, but you just ignored it because you were too
mad at me for reacting the way I did," he said. I took his hand in mine.
	"Of course not Josh. You know I can't stay mad at you," I said, I looked
away, thinking how stupid this all was. I got up suddenly, deciding to go
find the note.
	"Where are you going?" he said immediately, shifting a little so I could
get out of the bed.
	"To get the note", I answered. I nearly tripped on my tangled pants, and I
saw that our clothes were still thrown everywhere around the room, the only
thing out of place in this freakishly neat bedroom. I grabbed my underwear,
which had somehow landed across the room on an armchair and pulled it on,
before walking quickly across the hall to my room. I didn't see a note on
the nightstand, so I got down on my hands and knees and peered under the
bed, as Josh had suggested. I didn't see anything.
	"Maybe behind the stand," suggested Josh, who had followed me in. He was
wrapped in his white sheet. I pulled the small wooden piece of furniture
away from the wall, but I didn't see anything behind it. I lifted it
straight up, stupidly knocking over the alarm clock and brass lamp, but
there was nothing underneath it either.
	"That's weird," said Josh. "I know I left it right there." I replaced the
fallen furniture, and turned to him.
	"Well, its not here now," I said, scratching my head. Where had the note
gone? "Do you have a housekeeper or something?"
	"Yeah, but she doesn't come in on Mondays," Josh answered. "And she
wouldn't come in your room."
	"Well then let's just forget about it," I said, shrugging. I crossed the
room over to Josh and hugged him, rubbing his shoulders thoughtfully. He
looked utterly confused as to why his note was missing.
	"I guess..." he said uncertainly.
	"C'mon, let's go get some breakfast," I said brightly, taking his shoulders
and steering him back to his bedroom.
	"After a shower though," I said tactfully. He grinned and headed for the
bathroom, the sheet trailing behind him like a banner, giving me an
excellent view of his tight little ass.
	I looked to the floor to grab my clothes, and I found them missing too.
Josh evidently had already picked them up, and sure enough, as I crossed the
hall a second time, I saw that he had put them on top of my bed. I would
have to get used to his weird habits, and it reminded me of how little we
had actually seen of each other. I couldn't tell if it was better to see
someone everyday, or to develop a deeper relationship before getting
physical. I had experienced both, and it was hard to decide.
	While Josh showered, I racked my brains to try and think of something nice
I could do for Josh, something to show that I wasn't just a deadweight. As I
was thinking, my stomach rumbled, and I remembered that I had skipped dinner
last night, something that I never do. I have always been careful t eat
right, and skipping meals is pretty bad for your body. I needed to stay in
shape for when spring season picked up again on Monday, and so far I hadn't
been eating right, and I hadn't had a chance to hit a gym since last week. I
decided to surprise Josh with my "culinary talents". I stayed in my boxers
and ran downstairs, wondering if it would be possible for me to figure out
how to make anything besides toast to impress Josh.
	I reached the small kitchen and headed for the fridge, but as I grabbed the
door handle, I hesitated. Was it right for me to just barge into Josh's
kitchen like I owned the place? Josh had done so much for me already, was I
already taking it all for granted?
	It's really not that big of a deal, I guess. Tony raids my fridge in my
dorm at least once a week, even though I hardly ever have any food in there.
But Tony and I have been friends for years. Still, I didn't want to invade
Josh's privacy.
	The thought reminded me of last night, and I realized I had already invaded
Josh's privacy quite enough, so looking in his fridge probably wasn't that
big of a deal. I yanked it open, expecting to find a typical guy's stock,
which for me is usually a few beers and some ketchup, maybe a jar of pickles
or something.
	Time for another surprise, I thought, as I saw that the entire icebox was
packed with Tupperware. There wasn't a single square inch of space, because
everything was stacked on top of each other. He had enough leftovers here to
last all year. I was totally shocked.
	I pulled one of the containers out, and saw that it was neatly labeled,
Roast Beef, including the date that it had been made. Creepy, but I quickly
realized a second later that it wasn't in Josh's handwriting. It was
probably his mom's.
	Another thing I realized, I hardly knew anything about Josh's parents or
his family. When we first met, he had talked nonstop about them, and how
supportive they were about his career, and how he felt they were always
there for him no matter what. But soon after learning about my less than
ideal family life, he hadn't said a word about them, for fear of making me
resentful. The guy is too damn caring, he'd rather not say anything and seem
like he was flaunting his family in front of me than make me unhappy. I
didn't know how close he was to his family, really, but evidently, his
mother had sent him a care package of food every week. And knowing Josh, he
would be too polite to throw out the food, so he kept it. How cute. Score
him another point.
	I would have to talk to him about that though. It wasn't fair of him to
sacrifice so much for me, including his friends, his house, and his family.
Especially if I wasn't sure I loved him or not. I felt like such a user. As
soon as he was done with his shower I decided that I would tell him how I
felt, for the first time.
	I didn't want to have to dig through the fridge to find eggs in a
Tupperware container, so I just found some bagels and toasted em. Not much
of a chef, but I didn't want to intrude anymore, and the bagels were sitting
right there on the counter.
	"Austin?" I heard Josh call from upstairs.
	"Down here!" I shouted back, licking the strawberry jam off my thumb as I
finished my "surprise" breakfast. I took a second look. How pathetic. I sure
am lucky Josh likes me so much, considering I have absolutely no romantic
sense whatsoever.
	He came into the kitchen with his hair still wet, his eyes shining
brightly, and I grinned. He actually picked something normal to wear today,
I was thinking...before I realized they were my clothes.
	"WOW!" he said, before I could ask him why on earth he was wearing my
clothes.  I glanced sheepishly at the bagels and fruit I had set out. Josh
is impressed too easily.
	"Its just breakfast," I said.
	"Not that, you! You keep wandering around without a shirt on, and I won't
be able to see straight!" He said. I blushed.
	"I'll go put some clothes on," I said, but Josh stopped me.
	"Maybe you should stay like that for awhile," he teased.
	"Not unless you get naked too," I countered, grabbing his ass playfully.
	"You can't tell me what to do," he sneered, his eyes daring me to call his
bluff.
	"Oh yeah? Why not?" I said, pulling him until our heads were about an inch
away from each other. He kissed me, but it was just a quick peck on the
lips, too quick. I tried to go for a deeper one, but he put his hand to my
mouth, stopping me.
	"Well, who's wearing the pants in this relationship?" he said, putting one
hand on his hip, the other sweeping in front of him to indicate that he was
in fact wearing pants.
	"Those are my pants!" I said exasperatedly. "And if you won't take them
off, I'll have to take them off for you!" I lunged at him, but he was too
quick. He giggled and ran back upstairs. I followed him up, but I wasn't
really in a playful mood right now. I wanted to tell him he needed to stop
treating me like a king.
	I found him on my bed, leaning back on his arms, a wide grin across his
handsome face. He really is attractive, I thought, as I smiled back at him.
And so tender...so kind and gentle...everything I'm not, I thought. I sat
next to him on the bed, and wrapped an arm around his shoulder. He settled
in, hooking his hands around my waist, and we sat there, just enjoying being
there together...and uh...some other stuff, mainly macking.
	I became aware of the fact that I was only wearing a thin pair of boxers as
I felt little Austin rising, and I knew I had to take a shower. I told Josh
this, and he responded by pulling his shirt off.
	"Now what are you doing?" I said as I watched him.
	"I'm going to take one with you," he answered, as if it were obvious.
	"But you just took one," I said stupidly, always missing the obvious.
"Oh...," I said, catching on sheepishly.
	"You're so cute when you say things like that," he said, before heading to
the bathroom. While we were talking, he had already thrown all his, er I
mean my clothes off, his smoothly muscled back catching the morning sun.
	We took a very long shower, if you catch my drift, but no sex. We just
kissed each other, as the shower head sprayed gallons of water over us. It
was pretty erotic, but I wasn't too keen on forcing anything on Josh. I was
still concerned we were moving too fast, but thought that the way I had
reacted yesterday hadn't exactly been the right way to cool off, so I figure
kissing should be allowed, but no sex. At least right away, I thought, as I
liberally sucked on Josh's neck.
	Finally, I took Josh's hands off my waist and separated myself for him.
	"I don't want to make you late, Josh," I said, kissing the side of his
mouth softly.
	"Let 'em wait," he said, shoving his tongue in my mouth. I could have
selfishly kept kissing him, but I decided that really, he was doing too much
for me, and my making him late was not going to help matters, especially
considering I was still anxious about how the rest of the group would take
the news.
	"You need to get ready Josh," I said, after a minute...such a selfish
asshole...
	"What about you? You wanna come to work early with me? I am tired of only
seeing you at my break times," he said, reminding me of something. Two
somethings actually.
	"How come you have to be in so early, but noone else does?" I asked, as I
rooted through my clothes, trying to find something to wear.
	"I work with the sound technicians every morning to make sure the remixes
sound right," he answered, as he pulled on one of my T-shirts.
	"The other guys don't have to do that?" I said, seizing a pair of cargo
shorts from my bag.
	"I do it because I want to make sure everything is right, but I guess I
don't have to," he answered, looking at himself in the mirror.
	"Why are all your clothes so baggy?" he said, pulling the T-shirt tight
across his chest by gripping it in a bunch in the back.
	"They're not baggy, you're just skinny," I teased, sliding on sandals.
"So...we're going in to work at eight o'clock in the morning to make sure
the sound mixes are ok?" I said doubtfully, changing the subject back.
	"Well, the song we're performing isn't new, its from one of our old albums,
but we changed it up so that it sounds different," he explained.
	"You can do that?" I said, amazed. Well, this proved my point that all pop
music sounds the same. Apparently everybody just recycled all their old
songs with new mixes.
	"Yeah. This time around, we're mixing in new lyrics from Nelly...these
clothes aren't just baggy on me, look at you! That shirt is about three
sizes too big!"
	"Who's Nelly?" I asked.
	"He's a rapper, sort of, but not really. Hip-hop kind of, but not really."
	"Oh, that guy," I said sarcastically, as if that narrowed down.
	"Why don't you wear shirts that show off that body of yours?" he said,
pulling off the white shirt he was wearing and grabbing one of my Husky
shirts.
	"Well, I don't really feel the need to advertise, if I have a boyfriend,
right?" I answered. I turned to look at him, standing with my hands on my
hips. I was now completely dressed, but Josh was still staring at himself in
the mirror, turning around to see how he looked from behind.
	"Awww," he said sarcastically. "No seriously, why don't you wear all that
tight preppy stuff all the other jocks do?"
	"If all the other jocks jumped off a cliff, would you want me to do that
too?"
	"If there were a bunch of hot college jocks all together in one place, I'd
sure as hell do it," Josh teased, and I laughed.
	"Hurry your ass up and lets go," I said, still laughing. He settled on my
smallest black T shirt that had nothing on it, and his own pair of too-tight
jeans, because my waist was bigger than his.
	Before we could leave, we heard a knocking at the front door. A short
unsure knock. Probably Lance.
	I was wrong, as I pulled open the door to see who it was, Josh behind me
with his hand on my bicep. It was Joey.
	"Hi," he said.
	"Hey," answered Josh. I didn't say anything.
	"Can I talk to you guys?" he said, shifting uncomfortably on the front
step. I raised my eyebrows at Josh, but he nodded, and we stepped aside,
letting him in. I closed the door behind him.
	We followed Joey into the kitchen, of all places, Josh's hand tightening
slightly on my arm. Joey pulled a chair out at the table and sat down,
staring at his hands for a minute. I pulled out a chair, and silently told
Josh to sit in it, which he did, reluctantly. I stayed standing, holding
onto the back of Josh's chair. Noone said anything for about five awkward
minutes.
	"Josh." Started Joey, and I saw that as he looked up, he looked really sad
and hurt. I have no idea why. "Why didn't you tell me you were gay?"
	Josh didn't answer right away, and I knew how awkward he must have felt.
Obviously, Joey didn't know that it wasn't exactly easy telling people that
little fact, and I knew from first hand experience.
	"I'm sorry..." he began, but Joey interrupted him.
	"How do you think I felt having to hear it secondhand? We're supposed to be
brothers, Josh!" Secondhand?
	"You knew?!" said Josh, which was exactly what I was thinking. Josh had
only officially told one person he was gay, me. He had kissed Justin, and
had been forced to come out to him and Lance, but it seemed that Joey and
Chris were kept in the dark as to his sexuality. Someone had a big mouth,
and I was pretty sure I knew who it was.
	"How did you know?" I said out loud, then immediately wished I hadn't. This
wasn't my discussion.
	"Who told you?" said Josh, looking angry. I'd be angry too, but I was
always angry at Justin, it didn't matter.
	"No one told me at first," said Joey, looking sad.
	"At first?" repeated Josh. I put my hand on his shoulder to calm him down.
	"I just sort of always knew you were...different...but I didn't really
think too much about it until that day you met Austin," said Joey.
	"What do you mean, different?" said Josh.
	"I don't mean that you act gay or anything, I just mean...well...I never
really saw you with a girl...at least not seriously...and I just kind of
wondered, that's all," said Joey defensively.
	"Well...," started Josh, but Joey interrupted him. It was like watching a
tennis match, as my head went back and forth between them.
	"Just let me finish, alright?" he said impatiently, glaring at Josh, which
I don't think he had the right to do. I didn't say anything, but they were
ignoring me anyways, so I just stood still.
	"Anyway, I wasn't even thinking about it until we met Austin at that Meet
and Greet in Seattle," continued Joey. "Do you remember what happened that
day?" he said, looking up at me.
	"Me?" I said. "What about it?"
	"When we first walked in that door, we were expecting it to be like every
other interview, a bunch of teenage girls, maybe a few gay guys, whatever.
When we met you, I thought you were just a guy who had obviously been
dragged there by his girlfriend. We've seen a few of those too, so it didn't
surprise me. What did surprise me is that I saw how you reacted to him," he
said, now turning his attention to Josh. I could tell Josh was blushing,
even though I couldn't see his face.
	"You were like a deer caught in the headlights, and the girls had to ask
you about three or four times what your favorite color was before we could
get you back to earth."
	"I did?" he said. Score! I hid a smile.
	"Yes you did. I was already pretty concerned about you, because you'd been
totally all down and stuff for a while before then. Really, really down and
depressed. Remember? You hardly talked to any of us, and you were all shut
off from the whole world for awhile." I knew this part. Josh had told me how
lonely and miserable he had been pretending he was straight and perfectly
happy. It would depress the hell out of anyone. I squeezed his shoulder
reassuringly.
	"And you tuned out most of the rest of the interview, so whenever I wasn't
asked a question directly, I watched you. And saw who you were looking at."
	"And that's when you knew?" Josh said slowly.
	"No, I thought maybe you were checking out Jen. Not her boyfriend," he
said, glancing at me.
	"I didn't know what to do. At first I thought you were just attracted to
her, but you wouldn't take your eyes off them. So then I figured that you
wanted her, but you never asked her a question, you always asked Austin.
Then when Austin and Jen started screaming at each other, I thought maybe
there were problems in their relationship." He turned back to me. "Even
though we knew you two were together, you just didn't seem together, if you
know what I'm saying. You were both sitting there, ignoring each other, and
then you were fighting. I mean, you were complete strangers, and it was
really awkward. After you stormed out, Josh suddenly tore off after you, and
we were all still totally shocked. It wasn't for a while before I realized
that it was really you he was after. I thought maybe he was going to yell at
you for hurting Jen, who I thought he really wanted, and found an
opportunity to play crying shoulder. Because she was pretty upset after you
left."
	"She was?" I said. I had no idea what happened after I left that conference
room, or during the concert. Jen and I had ignored each other until the
following evening, when she decided to play kiss-and-tell with Justin. I had
never asked either, obviously wanting to put that night behind me. At least
that part of it. The rest of it was the night I met Josh, which I definitely
wanted to remember. How can you have some of the worst and the best
experiences of your life, all in the same weekend?
	"Yeah, she broke down crying, but Justin was the first one to comfort her.
The other girls were telling her that you were an asshole for hurting her
like that, but she wouldn't hear of it. She was just as defensive about you
as you were of her later."
	"She was?" I said dazedly. I had never heard Jen defend me before, it was
always the other way around.
	"She said something like 'you don't understand, its not him I'm mad at,'
something like that."
	"What did she mean?" I said, suddenly interested. As much as I had put Jen
behind me, or tried to, I still was very unsettled as to why we had to break
up in the first place. It was totally out of character for Jen to just up
and sleep with someone else. She just wasn't a nympho like that, and Justin
was such an ass, she would have seen right through any line he tried to feed
her. Why had she done it? There must have been a reason, and even now, weeks
later, I was dying to know. I didn't let on of course.
	"I don't know, I wasn't worried about her. I was worried about Josh," said
Joey impatiently. All I know is, she got a call on her cell phone a few
minutes later, just as the tour manager ushered everyone out. Then they
started yelling at us about where you were, Josh, and you came in a few
minutes later, and I forgot about her. But I noticed something completely
different about you, Josh. You were smiling."
	"What's wrong with that?" said Josh defensively.
	"You never smiled before that day. And that's when I got my first hunch.
Then we asked you about Austin, remember, and all you said was that 'he was
fine,' before you got all secretive and wouldn't tell us what was going on.
But I couldn't really think about it, since we had to go onstage right about
then. Then, during the performance, I was watching you. I saw that you had
changed, Josh. Something happened, some spark, whatever you want to call it,
in those few minutes that made you smile, and you did an awesome performance
that day. I was so proud of you, and so happy that you were happy, but I
still wasn't sure what it was. I was going to ask you right after we got off
stage, but after we took those elevators down, you ran right over to Austin,
almost acting like you were one of our fans. I wasn't expecting to see
Austin at all. None of the other guys were paying attention to where you
went, but I heard you telling him that you wanted him to come up to your
dressing room, so I beat you there, hoping I could find out what was going
on. But you brushed me off, so I tried talking to Austin instead, trying to
find out if I was right, and you were gay and looking to hook up with
Austin."
	"I remember that," I said solemnly. "I thought it was just a joke at first,
then Josh explained later that Justin and Lance already knew about him,
and..."
	"Justin and Lance already knew before then!?!" interrupted Joey loudly, his
eyebrows meeting as his face reddened in anger. Oops.
	"Uhh...," said Josh nervously. Shit! Me and my big fucking mouth.
	"How could THEY know, and you never even TOLD ME?!! I had to fucking figure
it out myself, and even when I asked you about it, last week before Austin
got here, you still didn't say anything!? What the fuck, JC? Am I your
friend or not?" Joey exploded, his whole face turning red with anger. I have
seen Joey angry more times than I cared to acknowledge, and although he was
perfectly cool in ordinary circumstances, he turned into a werewolf whenever
something upset him.
	"Will you calm the fuck down?" I said angrily to Joey. There was no reason
for him to be so upset. "Can't you go one day without exploding?" I said
nastily.
	"Look who's talking, you stupid mother fucker! I'll get to your ass in a
minute, if you let me fucking finish!" he said, slamming his fist on the
table. I locked my jaw and narrowed my eyes at him. No I wasn't hurt by his
stupid comment, it takes a lot to hurt me. Josh on the other hand, crumbled
slightly, and I sensed he was close to tears. No, he's not a baby, I just
think he was upset that it seemed I couldn't get along with any of his
friends. I rubbed his shoulders absentmindedly, almost a little too hard, as
silence came back to the breakfast table.
	"Don't cry, Josh," Joey said softly, as his gaze fell from a heated stare
with me to Josh. His rage suddenly melting when he saw Josh's face, he
looked concerned and ashamed for screaming.
	"Don't tell him what to do," I snapped, although he hadn't really done
anything. I was just willing to pick a fight, especially after being called
a stupid mother fucker.
	"I wasn't talking to you, so shut up," Joey responded.
	"Dude, what the hell is your problem?" I said, glaring at him.
	"Dude, dude, can I like dude, say anything dude, because dude, I have to,
dude, like, talk," he said, obviously making fun of me. My ears turned red
with anger.
	"What the fuck did I ever do to you?" I said, anger prompting me to stop
comforting Josh and face off against Joey.
	"Will you both please stop it?" said Josh meekly. He was staring at the
table, apparently too worn out he couldn't look at us. Joey and I fell
silent, but we both glared daggers at each other until Josh started talking
again.
	"It was an accident that Lance and Justin knew. They've known since
Christmas." He said quietly.
	"You just decided, hey might as well tell THEM, screw Joey, he doesn't need
to know a fucking thing about what's going on with one of his BEST
FRIENDS!!!" snarled Joey.
	"Will you just let him fucking talk?!" I spat.
	"Mind your own fucking business, college boy," he said rudely.
	"It's Josh's business, therefore it is my business," I retorted.
	"And that's another thing we need to talk about. What the fuck are you
doing with this psycho?" Joey said to Josh.
	That was apparently the last straw. Josh abruptly up and left the table,
and fled upstairs.
	"Josh, wait!" Joey and I said at the same time. I heard his bedroom door
slam. Then Joey and I both started yelling at each other, saying stupid
shit.
	"Now look what you did, you fucking idiot!" Joey shouted at me.
	"Me?! You got a fucking problem with me Joey? Huh? You got a fucking
problem?" I said, tossing the chair that Josh had been sitting in aside, so
that now only the table separated us.
	"Yeah I got a problem. Her name is Lisa!" he screamed back at me. I was
dumbstruck. Utterly speechless.
	"You don't think I know what happened, you lying son of a bitch?! She's one
of my best friends, and you're trying to play her, just like you're trying
to play Josh!" He snarled.
	"No!" I said, shaking my head. "That's not true! I'm not playing anybody!"
	"Fuck you, Austin. Why the hell should I believe you? Lisa said you almost
kissed her yesterday. Then you come all oh, I love you josh, and you're
lying through your fucking teeth! God damn, I ought to beat your fucking
face in..." he snarled.
	"Go ahead and try it, you fucking fat son of a bitch! I can't believe that
you're that fucking stupid!"
	"Shut the fuck up, I ought to go tell Josh right now what his boyfriend was
doing yesterday!"
	"I didn't do anything! Why the hell do you think I was in such a hurry to
see Josh last night?"
	"Because you were guilty, you dumb mother fucker! You knew you were wrong,
and you ran like the piece of shit you are!" he snarled.
	"It's because I love Josh!" I shouted, now at the top of my voice.
Adrenalin was rushing through my head, clouding my vision.
	"You don't even know what love is, you're just using Josh..."
	That was the last straw. My first instinct, beating the shit out of Joey,
passed a second before I dismissed it, and instead, I just turned around and
stormed upstairs. I hesitated outside Josh's room, before going ahead and
going in. This was all my fault anyway. I should have just kept my temper in
check. Oh well.
	"Josh?" I whispered, then he promptly scared the shit out of me by popping
out from behind the door. He wasn't crying at least, instead he looked
extremely pissed off. He was calling someone on his phone. I watched him
make the call, muttering "Wake the fuck up, you lazy ass," into the phone,
giving me no clue who he was calling. I sat down on the bed and decided to
be polite and wait.
	"Curly? I'm calling an emergency meeting in forty-five minutes. For
everyone. So get your ass out of bed and be in that conference room on the
east side. WE have some serious talking to do." Josh suddenly said as
someone picked up, I assume. He said it really fast and hung up before the
other person could answer. Who the fuck is Curly?
	He made a few more similar calls, about four altogether. He called someone
named Scoop (I think) and Chris. The fourth dude, who I assumed was either
Justin or Lance, didn't pick up, and he called back about four times before
giving up.
	When he was done with his calls, he began pacing the room. I glanced at the
clock and saw that it was nearly nine o' clock, and that if we didn't hurry,
we wouldn't even be on regular time, let alone early enough to mix sound
bytes, or whatever it was he told me he did by himself early in the
mornings.
	Josh was looking a little too pissed off for me to start reminding him
about the time again, so I just sat there and let him steam for a while.
Sometimes my silence is a blessing, usually not.
	He wouldn't look me in the eye or tell me what he was planning on doing, he
just kept checking his watch impulsively every ten seconds. Finally, at nine
o' clock on the nose, he left the room, and I followed, still bewildered,
and a little mad at the silent treatment. (like I'm one to talk)
	Like a lap dog, I followed Josh out of the house. We locked up and headed
out, presumably to the studio, Josh still not saying anything to me. Usually
I don't care if someone isn't talking to me, but this is Josh we're talking
about. I started to worry. Had he heard everything that Joey had shouted
about Lisa? Was he upset that I couldn't behave myself like a good boy? Did
it really matter what anyone really thought? I guess not, so I tolerated
Josh's attitude.
	 We pulled into the studio, and I realized that we had left without my cell
phone, my wallet, or my homework, which was sitting in the back of Lance's
Land Cruiser. Oh well. I soberly got out of the car after a very silent, but
very fast ride, and after yet another hassle with security, we approached
the the big glass doors that led inside the complex.
	As we were walking, I remembered my decision to try and keep an iron grip
on my emotions, so I braced myself as we walked through the front doors for
a confrontation with Lisa. My eyes scanned the front desk area for her as we
walked across the lobby, but I didn't see her. I didn't have much chance to
look, though, because Josh yanked my arm, pulling me with him down the hall
on the right side. His face was set in stone, pretty darn angry. At least I
knew he wasn't angry at me.
	Actually, I have never really seen Josh angry. I couldn't picture Josh
angry, and I guessed that this was as bad as it got. Not really so bad. I'm
guessing he was mad at Joey, but it was really my fault in the first place.
If I hadn't let Joey get to me, this never would have happened.
	We marched past the corridor I had searched yesterday, and Josh pulled out
a keycard and pulled open a door that had been locked. On the other side was
a security guard. A huge, bald, familiar security guard...it was Mike!
	"Hey, Mike! Long time no see!" I said, forgetting Josh's mood completely.
	"Austin? What are you doing here? Last time I saw you we were in the
Emerald City!" he said jovially, clapping me on the back. He completely
forgot his professional manner, but I didn't care. He was the nicest guy
that worked for N'Sync's record company, next to Lisa, and I missed being
bossed around by someone I knew.
	"I'm spending spring break with Josh!" I said enthusiastically, then made a
mistake by looking at Josh, who was giving me the evil eye.
	"Oops, well I gotta go, but maybe I'll see you around," I said, as Josh
grabbed my arm again and yanked me away.
	"Bye buddy," Mike called after us, a knowing smirk crossing his face.
	Once out of earshot of Mike, I skidded to a halt, forcing Josh to let go of
me.
	"Will you at least tell me what's going on? I can walk you know," I said,
annoyed.
	"I called a meeting today, because I want to talk to the group, find out
what they really feel about us," he said.
	"Who cares what they think?" I said, dusting off my shirt.
	"Austin!" Josh complained. "They're my best friends, and besides, I have to
work with them everyday!"
	"You need some better friends," I said without thinking. I already know an
argument is coming, so I brace myself.
	"You aren't making this any easier, Austin. Now I know that it's not your
fault Joey's acting all upset. He's just taking it out on you. But I don't
want you getting involved by defending me like that, I can handle myself!"
	"What? You're mad at me?" I said, incredulous. How am I at fault?
	"A little, yes. I am my own person you know. I already have enough
bodyguards, I don't need you too." He said, sighing.
	"Well excuse me, for having a sense of compassion. Next time I'll just let
him yell at you, then join in when the insults run out."
	"Don't exaggerate Austin. Things are bad enough without us fighting too,"
he sighed, finally selecting a door and throwing it open. In it, I find
Lance and Justin. They fall silent when we walk in, both of them instantly
looking at the floor.
	"Well good morning to you too," Josh said sarcastically. I hang around
awkwardly by the door. I don't really want to be having this discussion
right now, you know, even though I don't even know what the discussion is
about.
	"Well anyway, I'm glad you're here, because we need to seriously talk. We
can't put together a fucking performance in five days if we are all mad at
each other. Now, Joey came to see us today and claimed that one of you told
him that I was gay. Who was it?" said Josh icily. I impassively looked on
from the door as they both glanced at each other. Either one of them could
have done it. Lance is pretty spineless...he'll tell anyone anything. As for
Justin...he was a prick, but Josh was his best friend. Why would he go
telling his secrets for no apparent reason? Even that seemed too low for
Justin, but you never knew. It would be the first thing that he was innocent
of all week.
	"I never said anything," spoke up Justin, casting an accusing stare at
Lance.
	"Like I have?" Lance shot back.
	"Neither of you said anything to Joey?" Josh said incredulously, looking
from one to the other.
	"Well I know I didn't," said Justin contemptuously, leaning back in his
chair.
	"I swear I didn't, JC, you know me better than that," said Lance. Josh
looked back at me, and I shrugged back. I honestly thought Lance had told
him, but what did it really matter anyway? I decided to just let Josh have
his way instead of trying to persuade him to adopt my laid back attitude.
	"Well, alright, forget who spilled the beans, I just want to know what you
guys think," said Josh, hands on hips.
	"About what?" said Justin, oily innocence in his voice. I looked to the
ceiling for help.
	"About us? Does anyone have a problem, so that I can tell them to fuck
off?" said Josh.
	"Honestly? I think you could do better," said Justin at once, sneering at
me. I shook my head back at him, daring him to try something. I knew he was
too much of a wuss though.
	"How long have you...er...you know..," stammered Lance. Josh and I both
looked at him.
	Before he could finish his thought, Justin interrupted with "Why the fuck
did you pretend you weren't together when I cornered you on Sunday?" He was
looking directly at me.
	Even though I knew he had a point, and that I hadn't exactly been the ideal
boyfriend, I wanted to kill him I swear. Little punk. Well, actually not
really little, since we were exactly the same height, but you know what I
mean.
	"I...um...was...sort of dealing with some shit that day..." I started off
awkwardly.
	"We haven't really been together together until this week. But we've sort
of been talking on the phone for a couple weeks now." Josh said for me,
answering Lance's question.
	"As for what Austin told you on Sunday...well we weren't really together
then...he'd just barely gotten here, and well...he was still doubtful about
the whole thing, about us being together, and he still isn't really sure if
he's gay or not," he continued, answering Justin's.
	"How can you not be sure?" said Justin.
	"Its really hard to deal with it, Justin. I've known myself since I was 16,
and its taken me this long to even admit it about myself. Austin didn't even
know that part about him until I met him," said Josh, before I could open my
mouth. I was secretly glad. Whatever I would have said would have sounded
stupid.
	"So that's it? That's what you wanted to tell us?" said Justin.
	"What do you mean that's it? It's a big deal!" said Josh exasperatedly.
	"But we already know you're gay. And you already told me you were together
on Sunday," said Justin. Oh yeah, I thought. We did tell Justin we were
together then. And that's when Josh got all mad at me for lying to Justin at
first.
	But something wasn't right here. Justin was acting too cool about this.
Didn't I see him burst into tears and run when he heard the news? Now, he
acted like it was no big deal. Didn't he want Josh for himself? I had
thought so, that's why I had totally gone postal last night, thinking that
Justin was trying to take Josh away from me. Now, Justin looked like it was
practically nothing.
	I hadn't really told Josh why I had freaked out last night, not having any
chance to explain. He had no idea that Justin wanted him, and had been
trying to put the moves on him, all the while pretending to be the
comforting friend.
	But this was all speculation. I really had no idea what Justin's motives
were, if any, and now it seemed that I had no reason at all to act the way I
did last night, except, as Joey had said, guilt from kissing Lisa. Without
Justin to blame for my irrational behavior, I was just what I had told Joey
I wasn't: a user.
	Could I have read Justin wrong? Maybe there was another reason he had ran
away in tears on Sunday. What part of that night might have changed
everything for Justin? It couldn't be shock at Josh's being gay...he already
knew Josh was gay...shock at me? That maybe I had taken Josh away from him,
not romantically, but as a friend? I certainly didn't feel that way. If
anything, I got to see less of Josh than anyone, even when I was here at
work with them everyday.
	Or could he be lying? Maybe he really did have feelings for Josh, but under
the circumstances, was trying to act like nothing had happened on Sunday.
That could be it, too.
	"Well, this talk wasn't really meant for you two," said Josh, glancing at
his watch again. He took a chair at the conference table that the other two
were sitting, but I stayed where I was.
	"Are we waiting for Joey and Chris?" asked Lance.
	"We're waiting for Chris, and Curly, and someone else," I said
absentmindedly.
	To my surprise, they all started laughing.
	"What?" I said, confused.
	"Austin, Justin is Curly. Its his nickname, and I called only four people,"
said Josh. I felt like an idiot. Annoyed, I just stared at a spot outside
the small conference room. I glanced down the hall, but I didn't see anybody
else coming.
	"So the other two people are Joey and Chris?" I guessed. Josh nodded.
	After that, the room got all silent as we waited. And waited. And waited.
About twenty minutes. During that time, the four of us didn't talk much,
Josh reminding the other two about that Nelly guy flying in today, and
asking if they had gotten their costume fittings in yet. They had.
	I bravely pulled out the chair next to Justin, willing to give him the
benefit of the doubt. If he really was only looking out for Josh from simply
a friend's point of view, and now he seemed perfectly okay with Josh and I,
I really had no reason to be mad at him. Except of course for what happened
with Jen, but the details seemed fuzzy on that too.
	I just sat down and didn't look at him, but no longer with the same
hostility that I had. I could only hate one person at a time, and my
attitude towards Justin was cooling to indifference for each minute that
that hothead Joey deliberately missed Josh's meeting. Joey was the real
enemy here, not Justin, I thought bitterly.
	After about a half an hour, someone walked into the room, but it wans't
Joey or Chris. It was a dude in a suit, and he was looking angry.
	"Do you think we could get some work done today, boys?" he said
sarcastically. I glanced at my watch, and I saw it was nearly ten oclcok.
	The three guys jumped up immediately.
	"Yes sir, we were just having a quick meeting before rehearsal," said Josh
quickly.
	"Five minutes, and I want you all to be in sound booth 3. Photo shoot at
noon, last fittings for your costumes for Saturday at four. When Nelly gets
here, we're going over the dance routine with him until you can please me,
and then I expect everyone here at seven sharp tomorrow morning for the
dress," he said, before sliding swiftly back out of the room.
	"Fuck," said Justin under his breath, as he followed the other guys out of
the room. The guy was obviously a manager. The three guys looked pretty
pained at their very full schedule, and I realized that this meant zero time
for me and Josh. Josh hovered outside the door and, glancing quickly around
us so that no one was watching, kissed me quickly. "Thanks for being so
supportive," he said. I wanted to ask why, since I hadn't done anything but
start fights, but I decided, as usual to keep my thoughts to myself.
Instead, I said "When do I get to see you today?"
	He sighed and looked down at his feet. "I don't know. You won't be able to
go with us to the photo shoot, or to any of the rehearsals. We might not be
done until ten or so. Would you be ok until then?"
	"Ten at night?" I said in disbelief. "What am I supposed to do?"
	"Homework?" he suggested, grinning, as he pulled my neckchain out from
underneath my T-shirt and straightened it.
	"Can't. Its in Lance's car," I said.
	"Well...then maybe you can go exploring around town. I'll give you the keys
to my car," he said, smiling, as if it were nothing.
	"Your car? You drive a frickin' ZX!" I exclaimed.
	"So?"
	"So? I'll be so nervous I'll wreck it, and there's no fucking way I could
afford to get it fixed!"
	"I trust you, Austin. You drive perfectly fine!"
	"Josh, it's one thing to let me stay in your house, but let me use your
car? No. Forget it." I said, shaking my head.
	He sighed. "Are you sure?"
	"Positive."
	"I just worry when you're in that stupid lounge all by yourself all day. I
want you to get to know LA."
	"Not in your car."
	"Are you sure you'll be ok hanging around here?"
	"Sure, I guess. It what I've been doing, right?"
	"Austin, I'm so sorry about all this. I really really want to make it up to
you." He held me at arm's length, studying me carefully, as if I were about
to collapse if he let go.
	"Don't worry about it." I said, shrugging. It wasn't his fault the people
he works for are such assholes.
	"Are you sure you'll be ok?"
	"I'm telling you Josh, its ok."
	"Can I get something for you?"
	"No...I.."
	"Are you hungry? Thirsty?"
	"I'm fine, really, Josh." His concern was nice...but getting annoying. I
smiled thinly to show I was fine.
	"Ok, well I'll call you the second I get a second a break. Until then...you
can take one of those tours they offer around the studio. Just ask the front
desk." Oh, right. Hey Lisa, wanna show me around? That would be just
perfect.
	"JC, let's go!" said an irritated voice behind him.
	"Are you sure you'll be ok?" he said for the tenth time.
	"Yes, Josh, I'll be fine," I said. "I'm not a baby. I'll see you later."
	"Ok," he said, finally, hugging me briefly before running back down the
hall. I watched him leave. Then headed back to my jail cell, that god
forsaken lounge. There was no TV, what was the deal with that?
	And where the hell was Joey and Chris? I had a very bad feeling that their
decision to not show up at the meeting unraveled Josh a lot more than he let
on. Maybe they disapproved, and were too angry to come to the meeting. I
didn't know Chris very well, and Joey hated me, apparently, so it could have
been true. But that was their stupid problem, not mine.
	Someone else also was mysteriously absent today: Lisa. Had she decided to
take a day off to figure out what was going on? Had Joey told her I was gay,
in an effort to keep us apart, as he had helped keep Josh and me apart
yesterday? It was getting harder and harder to use the "that's their
problem" excuse when I realized that nobody wanted me romantically involved
with anybody.
	And what was the deal with Justin? Was he gay? Did he want Josh? Wasn't he
dating Britney Spears? Did it really matter if he wanted him? I knew I could
trust Josh, because I knew Josh liked me, that's why he worried about me so
much, and did so much for me. It was scary actually, the way he cared, and I
knew that his vulnerability played a big part in how the rest of the group
tried their best to protect him.
	All this boiled down to was, nobody was telling anybody anything. I had to
guess at everyone's feelings, and it was very unnerving.
	I decided I had to talk to somebody, so I passed up the lounge, and headed
for the front desk, intending to start talking to the only person available,
Lisa, right away. It wasn't fair the way I was treating her, and I hope she
knew that it wasn't her fault, but as I approached, there was another girl
sitting on the phone, a pretty white girl. I walked up to the desk.
	The girl hung up the phone, then turned to me.
	"Can I help you?" she said politely, folding her hands together on top of
the desk.
	"Uh, yeah," I said, suddenly feeling foolish. "Where's Lisa?"
	"Lisa? She said she wouldn't be coming in to work for a while."

And, I'm afraid I'll have to end it here. Kudos to me for finishing under
pressure, kudos to everyone who had to suffer through reading this pointless
drivel I keep posting.
I haven't answered anyone's email in over a month, including a few friends
of mine that went back East for school and are recently coming back for the
summer, so I apologize. This time, I promise I will answer everyone's email,
like I did when I started. I'm too much of a slacker. Anyway, Chapter 14 I
can't promise a release date for, because I promised chapter 13 would be in
a week after 12, and I can't stand when I have to break promises. Let's just
call it a surprise, anywhere from one week to a month in the making. Until
then, leave me a line at
scottiescot@hotmail.com