Date: Wed, 17 Jul 2002 20:44:49 -0700
From: Scott Lockhart <scottiescot@hotmail.com>
Subject: my girlfriend made me do it-chapter 15

The usuals:
Don't read this if its illegal where you live, or it the idea of two guys is
too weird for you. I would say that you have to be over eighteen....but this
chapter is pretty PG-13, except for language. Only read it if you really
want to because I am warning you, there's no sex, just a heap of drama that
I am getting all out in the open in this chapter so that I can hurry through
into Mexico in the next chapter. And I advise you to have read the previous
stuff, because you'll probably get confused if you read the last chapter
first.

Josh's eyes lit up like a Christmas tree.
	"Thursday," he managed to say through his smile. I tried to smile back, but
I felt like the lowest scum on earth. At least he was happy, I thought, as
he immediately wrapped his arms around me and crushed his chest to mine.
	"God, I'm so worn out," he said suddenly, and I realized that he wasn't
really hugging me as he was draping his exhausted body against mine.
	"Yeah, you guys put in a long day," I mused. "You should get to bed."
	"But I have to start packing," he said, at the same time a major yawn
escaped from his lips.  I giggled.
	"I guess I can do it tomorrow. Come on, let's get to bed," he said,
throwing his arm around my shoulder as he turned towards the stairs.
	"Uh, you go ahead," I said, and as I said it, I immediately felt my stomach
drop. I was about to lie to Josh, and I didn't like it.
	"Why? Where are you going?" he said amiably, yawning for the second time.
	"I...um...have to go to Lance's for a second," I said, the first person
that popped into my head.
	"Lance's?" Josh repeated, frowning slightly. "Oh, for your homework?"
	My homework! Perfect! I couldn't think of a better excuse.
	"Yeah," I said, trying not to sound as if the idea had just occurred to me.
	"Oh, it can wait until tomorrow," he said.
	"No, I want to work on it tonight,: I insisted. "I work better at night," I
said, although that isn't really true.
	"Are you sure?" I detected a note of suspicion, but that might just be
because I was paranoid. I knew I wasn't a very good liar, and I've never
lied to Josh before.
	"Look, maybe you had a hard day, but I was bored to death. I'm not going to
be able to sleep," I said, trying to make it sound convincing.
	"Well ok, I guess I'll see you in the morning," he said sounding a little
disappointed.
	I hugged him extra tight. "Maybe I'll wake you a little early," I said
suggestively, although sex was the furthest thing from my mind.
	He smiled at the thought, and kissed me goodnight. "Lock up when you get
back," he said, then turned and went upstairs.
	I don't really know how I felt as I walked across the garden to Justin's
house. I felt guilty as hell for lying to Josh, but I also thought that
maybe whatever Justin had to tell me would clear everything up, and I would
be able to tell Josh later anyway. I was still a little apprehensive,
remembering that the last time Justin and I had had a face-to-face
confrontation, I had ended up with both he and Josh furious with me, because
I had been trying to pretend that Josh and I weren't really becoming
something a lot more than friends. It was hard to believe that was only
three days ago. So much had happened since then.
	I was nervous that whatever Justin had to say, it was going to be about me,
and how I was messing everything up for them, causing rifts and stuff right
before an important performance. Josh had tried to placate me by saying that
this happened a lot, especially before concerts, but I wasn't buying it. I
knew that it was no damn coincidence that the same day Josh and I admit to
everyone that we were together is the same day Joey and Chris are suddenly
feeling hostile. And even though I tried to tell myself that their feelings
were their own, and that I couldn't really change their opinions of me, I
still felt responsible for ruining everything.
	I wasn't entirely to blame, however.  It's really a stressful time for the
group, period. According to what I had been overhearing, and contrary to
what Josh has been telling me all along, things aren't going as smoothly for
N'Sync for Saturday as they had anticipated. Even with Josh coming in early
everyday to make sure the sound was right, and the late dance workouts,
everything was literally falling apart. First of all, according to Josh
Nelly was supposed to have arrived on Saturday, the same day that I came in.
Today was Tuesday, so he set back the dress rehearsals four days. At first I
thought that that was the reason that they were just barely finishing at
eleven at night, to make up for lost time, but according to Mike, this was a
typical day. Holy shit! Another week like this and I might not have a Josh
left, as he'll have danced himself to an early grave. For another thing,
Mike had told me that something was wrong with the lights that they had
ordered, when we were talking about Josh working late tonight. As far as I
knew, there was already some sort of temporary stage set up at the site, and
that other musicians had been using it all week, but the extra equipment
that N'Sync had shipped in for their Saturday shot hadn't all been delivered
on time, and there was some sort of problem that management was trying to
downplay. I don't really know the details. The reason Mike knew was because
he had a friend that was a roadie that had been down south for about three
weeks already, getting everything ready for the Spring Break Special. He had
told mike that they had been having nothing but problems, especially with
the MTV network executives and the local authorities.
	I've never really like watching MTV, and I don't know much about how the
business works, but according to Mike, and to Josh, too, as a network, they
weren't exactly very cooperative or accommodating. If I were paying for a
huge show like MTV Spring Break, I would make sure that everything is
running smoothly, and keep everything organized, MTV basically just told
Jive that their delivery problems were their own problems, and they would
dump them from the performance without a second thought. Also, yesterday,
Josh told me that MTV changed the lineup for the rest of the week, and that
they hadn't gotten back to tell Josh's company exactly when they were going
to be on camera. Now I know nothing about the music business, but that
doesn't sound very organized. What if timing had to be worked for their
routines, or the light show that they were putting on would only be possible
at night? And since the whole thing was going down in less than a week, I
don't know how they were going to get it together. And even though Nelly's
unintentional delay and the problems with the lighting equipment weren't
Josh's fault, I knew that he would think that it was his fault anyway.
That's just the kind of person he is, with the weight of the world on his
shoulders.
	The stress that I have been seeing in Josh's eyes lately is almost too much
to bear, and I fervently hoped that Justin would only need me for a few
minutes. I desperately wanted to get back and hold Josh in my arms and try
and make everything ok for him. Stupid MTV. Josh already has enough stress
with me and Joey and Chris.
	On top of that, I still hadn't gotten a chance to tell Josh about Lisa. I
had wanted to when I first got back to the studio, but just seeing Josh's
tired face, and hearing everything that was going wrong, I just couldn't add
another heap of stress on him. Then, when we got home, I just couldn't bear
to tell him, not when he needed me to be there for him. He invited me to
Cancun with him, and he had gone on and on about how I was the only thing
keeping him going, and I just felt like the biggest piece of shit in the
world, because I was dong nothing but cause problems. I didn't deserve to go
with him, but the stupid idiot wouldn't take no for an answer. But as much
as the truth needed to come out, I knew that now was not the right time.
	Unfortunately, thanks to Joey, now I knew that Lisa was coming to Cancun,
too. Which meant that I would have to talk to her. I knew that I had to, but
I partly wanted to really just pretend nothing had happened, and also,
because I didn't want Joey or loudmouth Lance to know. If I did see her, I
hoped that it would be before we left, so that we didn't make things any
harder on Nelly and the guys as it already was.
	As I approached Justin's door, I reflected on how confused I had been this
morning, and desperate to get out of all this drama, so I had spent the day
at the beach with Mike. Now that I was a little more aware of what was going
on, I realized that I was back where I started. Completely helpless. As much
as I wanted to make Josh happy, and solve all these problems, they were way
beyond my power. All I could do was hope that Justin would have some
answers, instead of bringing up more questions.
	I knocked slightly, and glanced at my watch again for the fourteen
billionth time today. It was a little before twelve. Jsutin answered almost
immediately, and pulled me inside without saying anything.
	"What did you tell Josh?" he said, without even saying hi.
	"I said that I was going to get my homework from Lance and work on it a
little so that he could get to bed," I shrugged, glancing around. Even
though I had bveen here before, when I burst in and kissed Josh in front of
everyone, I hadn't really looked at the place. And I noticed that where Josh
had gone all out with an expensive decorating job in every room, Justin's
place was really plain. It looked like a vacant house. Nothing on the walls.
Plain gray carpet and simple, featureless tilework in the entryway.
	Justin walked through the entryway into another room, and I followed him
into what I thought would be the living room, but what turned out to be
completely empty. The same plain gray carpeting. Oh wait, not completely
empty. He had an empty twelve-pack case in the corner, and a few empty cans
of Bud littering the ground.
	We walked into the kitchen, the first room that had any furniture in it.
There was a simple wooden table and four chairs painted black under the
window. The cabinets were oak, the appliances gleaming stainless steel, but
other than that this room was as plain and ghostlike as the living room and
entryway were, the walls just plain white.
	"Sorry about all this sneaking around, man. I just don't want JC to worry
about anything else right now," he said somberly, while I stood awkwardly in
the doorway.
	"I know what you mean, You guys work a lot harder than I thought you do," I
said.
	"Sit. You want something to drink?" he said, heading for the fridge.
	"No thanks," I answered, as I pulled out one of the chairs, making a noisy
scraping sound against the tile.
	"You sure? I got Heineken," he said, pulling out two cans.
	"I'm fine," I said, but he didn't put the other one back. He set one next
to my hand, and popped the top of his before taking a long swig.
	I waited for him to start, since it was his idea to have this talk in the
first place. He didn't talk though, he just kept chugging, so I went ahead
and started.
	"Earlier you said you were going to tell me why you freaked to on Sunday,
when Josh and I told you we were...you know...," I said, trailing off.
	"Oh yeah," he answered, as if he was just remembering. "Well I didn't
really freak out, I was just really mad," he said.
	I waited for him to explain.
	He hesitated, then stalled some more by taking another swig. "Dude, its
gonna sound really dumb if I tell you this...,"
	"Just tell me. As long as it's the truth, I don't care." I said flatly. I
was annoyed that he was the one who wanted to talk to me, yet he didn't want
to talk. I let my annoyance fade, as I remembered that I wanted to be
friends with Justin, so that Josh wouldn't feel like he was constantly a
referee, and that if I was nasty to him, he would be nasty right back.
	He thought about it for a minute, then finally mumbled something that I
couldn't hear.
	"What?" I said, leaning closer.
	He purposefully didn't look me in the eye, then said sullenly, "I was
pissed of because I was jealous of you, ok?"
	I stared back at him for a minute before repeating, "What?"
	He sighed.  Then he finished off his can and slammed it back onto the
table. "Look, I really don't want to admit it, but I'm jealous, ok? Are you
happy? I said it."
	"You're jealous because you want Josh, is that it?" I said, finally seeing
some sense. His attitude of indifference had confused me this morning, but
now that he actually admitted that he wanted Josh, like I had always
thought, and had been so afraid of last night, I could understand why he was
so nasty to me all week. And why he had been the first to suspect that
something was going on between Josh and me. And why he had been so upset on
Sunday. Justin must be gay, too.
	"What?" he repeated. "NO!" No?!?
	"No?!?" I said incredulously. "I thought that that was why you hated me,
and why you got all upset at us, because I thought that..."
	"You thought that I'm after Josh? Hell no! We are best friends, but nothing
else, why the hell would you think that?"
	"Because..."
	"All right, all right, never mind," he interrupted. "No, I am not in love
with Josh, and I never have been." He said it so succinctly that I believed
him.
	"But that makes no sense!" I cried after a minute.
	He raised his eyebrows. "Why not? It's the truth."
	"You said you were jealous of me. Jealous because I'm with Josh, and you're
not, right?"
	"No, I told you I'm not in love with him, dumb ass!"
	"Then what the hell are you jealous about?"
	He just looked blankly back at me. I buried my face in my hands and rubbed
my temples, while he got up to get another beer.
	He brought another two to the table, even though I hadn't even opened mine.
Maybe they were both for him. As he was opening his can, I started thinking
something. If Justin wasn't after Josh...was he even gay at all? At first I
thought no, he must not be. The only reason I had ever thought he might be
was because he got all upset when I told him that Josh and I were sleeping
together. But if he wasn't...
	Before I met Josh, before I had even thought about being in love with a
guy, if someone said to me, are you in love with Tony, or some other guy
friend of mine, I would have been al, "Hell no, I'm not gay, what the fuck
is wrong with you?" Justin hadn't said that. He just denied being in love
with Josh, not denying that he COULD be. Which meant....what? Why wasn't his
first reaction "I'm not gay, asshole!" like any straight guy would have
said?
	After a minute, he said," I guess I'm jealous because you seem to have no
problem suddenly being gay." Bingo.
	I let a few seconds pass before I dared to ask," Justin, are you...are you
gay?"
	"He turned to look at me. "Obviously brains don't come with good looks and
a great body."
	"Huh?" I said, confused.
	"Never mind. I don't know if I am gay or not, but it kills me that you
barely 'found out' a few weeks ago, and you seem to be perfectly ok with
it."
	"You're jealous because you think I know?" I said, shaking my head in
disbelief. "Justin, even as happy as I am with Josh, I still don't know. I'm
just as confused as you are."
	"But you don't let it show," he said suddenly.
	"What do you mean?" I never let anything show, that was just my stony
personality.
	"I mean, how in the hell did you go from that girl you were seeing to Josh
in one weekend?  How did you accept it? Weren't you confused? Didn't you
deny it? Weren't you mad?"
	"Of course I was. I nearly killed myself, don't you remember? I was so
fucked up and confused that I took off, and made you guys a few hours late
while you looked for me, remember? Joey nearly ran over me with his
car...where the hell were you?"
	"The emergency room," he said sullenly, glaring at me. I immediately felt
guilty.
	"Look, I'm sorry about hitting you..." I mumbled, staring at my hands.
	"Don't worry about it. I deserved it. It's all in the past," he said.
	We both sat in silence, and I decided to open up my can anyway. This
conversation wasn't quite what I had anticipated.
	"Even if you say that you were a little confused, you seem fine now. I've
been struglling with this since I was like fourteen. And I still don't know.
How do you know?"
	"Know what?"
	"Know that you were into guys?"
	I considered this. "I didn't know. I only know one thing; if I hadn't met
Josh, I probably never would have even considered it. "
	He sighed. "But that's so..." he hesitated, then started again. "...but why
Josh? What did he do to you? Did he give you a mind blowing blow job or
something?"
	We both had to laugh. It was the stupidest thing, but we both laughed for a
long time, both of us feeling a little buzzed.
	Then I turned serious. "When I first met Josh, he was the nicest, most
compassionate, kind wonderful person I had ever met. He took everything I
said seriously, and he listened to everything. He was so easy to talk to; I
spilled my whole life out for him in one night. And it was hard, because you
know how much of a talker I am," I said. Justin nodded in agreement.
	"And at the time...I just felt...so lost. Because of what happened with you
and Jen. I mean, I thought I only had one person in my life, one person that
I could go to with anything, and that would always be there for me. She was
my best friend, and I worshipped the ground she walked on. I was so much in
love with her that I couldn't see anything else."
	And I didn't see that she was scared at how needy I was. She knew that she
couldn't give herself as fully as e, and that I was sort of using her to
stay alive. She was the first person that I trusted, really trusted, but she
thought it was unhealthy for me to so completely bare myself to her, and to
be so obsessed with her, but I couldn't help it. I loved her. It was so bad,
that she tried slowing things down, to save our relationship, bu tit just
hurt me. I held on, never wanting to let go the first person that had meant
so much to me, but it wasn't working. We were constantly fighting. Everyday
almost. We didn't like each other's friends, or each other's interests. It
was so bad, that she decided we needed to break up. We had talked about
maybe taking a break from each other, you know, before that concert, but I
didn't want to let her go. I think that's when she decided to take matters
into her own hands, and try and break us up without hurting me, or me
knowing about it, so that I wouldn't think it was my fault. That's how much
she cared."
	But no matter which way she did it, she knew that breaking up with me would
hurt me, but she thought it would be healthier for me if we broke up with me
hating her guts, so that I wouldn't blame myself so much. I assume that's
why she was kissing you. But it still hurt. It hurt like you wouldn't
believe, because without her, I didn't have anyone else. No close friends,
nothing. But Josh was there. By sheer coincidence, he was there when I
saw...you...He was strong when I couldn't be anymore, and he didn't think
any less of me when he saw me crying in pain, in loss at what I thought was
the best thing that had ever happened to me. He thought more of me. He
didn't let me fade, he made me feel needed. He was there for me, when I knew
that no one else would be, Justin. And, more importantly...he was a complete
stranger that was leaving in two days. So...I made a decision. I decided
that I wanted that closeness that we shared. I wanted that bond, and I
didn't care what I would have to do to keep it."
	Justin just looked at me wide eyed, while I continued my story. "There
haven't been many good things that have happened to me in my life. But I've
learned that when something good does happen, I should hold onto it, because
I never know if it'll be taken away from me. And Josh is a good thing, a
very good thing. I'm not going to let him go because some people think that
our love is wrong."
	Justin put his hand on my arm as a comforting gesture, but I had already
realized this a long time ago. Instead, I smiled thinly at him.
	"I'm sorry that that probably doesn't help you, but at least you know I
didn't just get up one day and decide, hey I think I like dick now, right?"
	He laughed. "I'm sorry Austin. I had no idea. I thought...I don't know what
I though really. I guess I should explain why I was being such an ass, huh?"
	"You don't have to if you don't want," I said. I had already pretty much
figured it out myself.
	"yes I do. Because it has to do with Josh...and Britney...and you."
	I watched him with reproach. I had no idea what he was going to say.
	He sipped slowly again before starting. "When we first met you on tour, I
was looking at you and your ex, and I was thinking why didn't I have what
you  had? Why weren't Britney and I like that, you know, so much in love
that I would do something I hated just to make that person happy? Why didn't
I have that?"
	"Well, you were probably both busy on tour and everything..." I tried to
rationalize, but he shook his head.
	"No, it's not like that. We've never had that., that special bond. WE just
liked fucking each other. At first that's what I though I wanted, you know,
just to have a good time...but I just felt so...empty, I don't know. What
was the word you used? Lost, yeah, that's how I felt. Like it wasn't for me.
So I tried to tell this to Brit, how I felt incomplete, and I wanted us to
have a more committed relationship. I was tired of sleeping around. But she
doesn't want that, Austin. She likes going out to parties and meeting random
guys and stuff....so I gave up on her."
	"Wait a minute. You mean to tell me that you though Jen and I were so much
in love..."
	"No. This was way before we met you guys. It was before I fount out Josh
was gay. I guess it was the first time I actually went out with Brit, almost
two years ago."
	"Josh told me you had known her ever since the Mickey Mouse Club."
	He shook his head, smiling. "Man, that was so long ago...but yeah, that's
where I first met her. We became friends right away, because we were both
pretty much the youngest kids on the show. She's a year younger than me. We
hit it off right away, because we both started the same year, and our moms
were friends. We stayed friends during the taping of the show, but when it
was cancelled, I didn't really hear from her for a while, because I moved to
Orlando with my mom to try and get some work as a back up singer or
something. I was like fourteen. Then Josh and a couple of friends were
talking to me about forming a singing group, and I thought sure why not. At
the same time, Britney moved to LA, to get a break in Hollywood. And she
became famous before we did, sweeping Europe in her first tour; her first
album went platinum in like two weeks. I couldn't believe that it was the
same girl that I used to clown around with on the set of MMC."
	As for us, we were doing pretty good too, but it was really hard work,
because a lot of people thought we were copying the Backstreet Boys. So I
really didn't get back in touch with Brit until this one party that our
publicist made us attend, and that Brit and her agent had also been invited
to. Some charity function, I don't remember what it was."
	Since we hadn't really seen much of each other, because we were both so
busy with our careers and junk, we started talking and catching up, you
know, whatever. Well, we were talking, flirting, and drinking a lot. I know
we shouldn't have, since we were both underage and everything, but no one
seemed to care, so it was coo. Time just flew by, and we were just throwing
'em back. Anyway, all I remember after that is that I asked her to come back
to my hotel room with me, since it was kind of loud at the party. I had to
ask Lance and his girlfriend to give me a ride because I was pretty trashed,
and Britney was gone. He dropped us off at the hotel and then I think he
went out to a dance club or something with his girl. Anyway, we were
talking...and one thing led to another, and we...uh...you know..." he said,
blushing furiously.
	I smirked. Justin gave off such a confidant, player vibe that it was
refreshing to see him turn self-conscious.
	"Well, the bad thing is, I let her stay over. At first, I was worried that
this one night might ruin our friendship, but the next morning, Brit and I
talked about it, and we agreed that it was just a one time thing, and that
neither of us felt we owed anything to the other person, and we were just
feeing lonely after spending most of the last few years either on tour or
eleven hour days in the studio. But Lance's girlfriend saw us in the
morning, and she told Lance, and he told the rest of the group, thinking
that since we were friends before, something might come out of it. We told
them what we talked about, and they were disappointed, but they understood.
Everything's ok, right? Well, when I walked her out to her car later, and
kissed her goodbye, some asshole photographer caught it on camera. The next
thing we know, the press made this big old deal about how she and I were
going out, the Pop Princess and me, one of the lead singers of N'Sync."
	Well, when the story broke out, we suddenly made a fortune in extra record
sales, both us and her. We were on the cover of every teen magazine, and
people were begging us for interviews. It was a great thing for our ratings,
and we were on TRL a few times, just for that, which was good because sales
were sagging a little at the time, because it was over the summer."
	It had been such a great thing, for both our record companies, that our
publicist thought that we could pretend to be a real couple, to enjoy the
good press. Brit's agent and her publicist agreed, but they left the
decision up to us. And we thought, why not. We can pretend to be a real
couple for a few weeks, no harm done, if it'll boost our sales. Eventually,
we would both be on tour again, and everything would be back to normal. So
we had a press conference, and told everyone we were in love."
	Everyone was happy for us, and made a big deal now that it was official.
The weird thing was, while she was in town, we talked a lot alone together,
and actually did get kind of serious with each other for that brief time,
you know, talking, making out. We actually thought it might work out. I
mean, we had already told the world that we were together. We started to
believe that it was the truth ourselves, that we were a real couple, and it
was until she had to leave to start recording for her new album. During that
time, though, we acted like boyfriend and girlfriend, even off camera, and
we told JC and everyone, our friends, and even our families that even though
it had started out as a lie, we really did want to be a couple. We actually
tried dating a little. But she and I never clicked on that level. We felt
too weird. But everyone was acting so happy, that we realized that we were
still faking it, not just for the cameras anymore, but everyone else too. We
really only like to have sex with each other. That's it. She's too much of a
girlie girl for me, and I'm not the rebel that she's looking for, either.
When she left, we agreed that we could keep a loose kind of relationship. We
liked the serious kind of stuff when we were both in town and not working,
but we agreed to see other people."
	But when she left, I missed her. Maybe not just her, but having someone
close by, because she was pretty much the closest thing to a real
relationship I've been able to have my whole life.  I had a few girlfriends
when I was younger, but my career has been number one ever since I was
fourteen, when we started N'Sync. There just wasn't time for a real
relationship to develop: all the girls I tried to see seriously got upset
because I didn't have the time. I was always in rehearsal or out of town. So
I guess that's when I sort of...started sleeping around." At this, Justin
looked down at the table, avoiding my eye. He took another long drink,
finishing off the can, and reached for another.  Poor guy.  You think you
know someone, huh? When Josh had first told me that Justin slept around,
trying to make me feel better about him and Jen, I had simply thought that
it was because of Justin's apparent egomaniac personality. He acted so
confident and full of himself; I never would have thought that he would feel
needy, or lonely. It made me feel really bad that I had been so judgmental.
He looked up, and I could see the pain and regret that he had in there. I
tried to look back at him with the most sympathetic, understanding I could.
Normally, I'm a pretty good listener, since I don't talk very much, but this
was a case in which I really didn't know what TO say. I offered him a small
smile, and patted his shoulder, as he had done to me.
	He continued, in a tone that told me he was not proud of himself, but he
had learned his lesson. "At the time, I thought I was enjoying myself until
I found that special someone. I know it's not good to sleep around, but
I...I couldn't help it Austin. I wanted to feel close to someone, even if it
was just for one night. I wanted to reach over and not feel an empty bed in
the middle of the night."
	"That's totally normal, Justin. I don't think you're a bad person for
having a few one-night stands. Everyone does."
	"Have you?" he said skeptically, his eyes wide, as if he thought I would
never do something like that.
	"Well..." I began. In truth, I had never had a one-night stand. I'm not
into the party scene, and I've never cheated on anyone, and as I said
before, I haven't been single since I was fourteen. But should I tell Justin
I had anyway, so that he wouldn't feel so bad?
	"Sure I have. I was just too drunk to remember," I joked. Justin smiled
with obvious relief.
	"Well, the thing is...I had a reputation to protect. I couldn't just sleep
with anyone; the press would be all over, and the girl might sue or
something. I had to pick my prospects. So I went for girls....who were
already in serious relationships, because I figured they would be too guilty
and embarrassed to tell anyone."
	"Ahh," I said, seeing as how he went for Jen.
	"But...I realized that the girls I was going for all had one thing in
common."
	"What?"
	"Their boyfriends were hot." We laughed for a long time. It was cool
talking to someone who had the same kind of fears of being gay that I had,
and I could admit to finding a guy attractive, without feeling too awkward.
I could tell Justin felt the same way, otherwise he wouldn't be so blunt. It
was great that we had this in common, because outside of Josh, I didn't know
any other gay people that weren't the totally flamboyant guys people make
fun of.  And, what I could talk about with Justin would be different than
what I could with Josh, like, for instance, how hot a guy looked. I was glad
that Justin felt comfortable enough around me to make me his confidant,
though I was still waiting to hear why he was too afraid to tell Josh.
	"And I started to....get a feeling that some of them might be....interested
in something with me. Like, a threesome or something. Or maybe just two
guys. But I was way too afraid to start anything, both because of how it
would look, and...because I was really ashamed that I was attracted to guys.
I tried to get the thought out of my head, because I didn't want to be gay.
So I pretended that when I was checking out some guy, I was really just
comparing their body to mine. Or if I realize I'm staring at a guy too long,
I'll watch girls for awhile, just to make myself think that I'm not
really...who I am."
	"Denial. Been there, done that," I said. He laughed.
	"Yeah,. I was in denial. I  mean, I know what people think about gay
people. I don't anyone calling me a fag or whatever. And...you probably
don't know this, but Chris is a big fucking homophobe. He used to get on
JC's case all the time about what he was wearing, so that no one would think
we're fags. He hates all the rumors, you know, about how all boy bands are
fags. It eats him up. So...I made sure that he saw that I was fucking a lot
of women, so that he wouldn't think I was gay." I suspected as much about
Chris, but had decided to reserve judgment until now. I didn't really care
what he thought about me, but I worried that he might start hating on Josh.
And now that everyone in the band knew about me and Josh, I wondered what
was going to happen.
	When Josh had still been hiding, it must have killed him to know Chris is
such a hater. Josh had never brought it up, when he used to tell me about
how it have been for him to hide and be alone, but he had gotten through it.
And it made sense that while Josh had hidden from the truth by becoming a
workaholic, and finding relief in writing songs, Justin had gone the denial
route, sleeping with as many women as he could find.
	"But I was so curious...that one night, I'll never forget, I went to this
party in Chicago, a few weeks before Thanksgiving, and I found exactly what
I was looking for. This dude was totally checking me out. Hot, hard body,
dark hair, blueish green eyes. I don't know what it is about guys with dark
hair and blue eyes...Anyway, his name was Dean, and he had this chick with
him Kyla, that I thought was equally hot. Brunette, slim, like 5'9. Kind of
tall, but she had the ass and tits for it. They walked over to me, as I was
standing at the bar staring at them, and they both started flirting with me.
It was totally hot. They were saying that they saw that I was watching, and
that they liked to get someone to join them for a small party they were
having upstairs. They didn't even own the house, dude, but I said ok,
because I didn't know what else to say."
	So we started going at it, me and Kyla, and then the guy started licking my
ear, and I totally let him. I was real nervous, but they told me they had
done this a lot, feeling horny and getting someone else to join them, so I
just let them do whatever. And that was the first time I was with a guy." He
said that last sentence really fast, and I could tell that he didn't want to
get into what he had actually done, but I let it go. I didn't need to know.
	 "Afterwards, I was a little freaked, but Dean gave me a little talk when
Kyla was asleep, to calm me down. He told me that it was ok, it didn't make
you gay, just sometimes, if you really needed to get off, it can be pretty
hot with a guy. And that a lot of people experiment when they're young. And
I thought that was it. Now what I have done something with a guy, it was out
of my system, right, and I wouldn't have to worry about it. (Denial)
Well....it just made me want to experiment some more. That guy had made me
feel something that no girl had made me feel, and I felt like I had changed.
That I wasn't the same. SO I tried to get it out of my head, and I started
calling Britney a lot more often. Telling her that I loved her, and that I
missed her. She told me the same, and we decided to have a long talk during
our time off at Christmas, possibly about becoming exclusive I hoped. I
thought that if I committed myself to Brit, and stopped sleeping around, I
would get this gay thing out of my head. So until we had our time off at
Christmas, I didn't go out to anymore parties, and I didn't drink."
	And that's where Josh comes in, because while all this was going on, he had
been there for me, even when I didn't want him to. He had been watching me
cruise around, and had been on my case about it at first, but I told him to
back off and mind his own business. I didn't want him to be my mom, and I
thought that he was just not letting me have any fun, acting like an older
brother, you know. But when I made my decision to stop, I realized that I
had pushed away my best friend. So one night, I took him aside, and I let
him know how grateful I was that was my friend, and how I should have
listened to him. I told him all about how I was feeling, and how this
Christmas, I was going to propose to Brit, to start doing something right.
And he's such a good friend. He said how proud he was of me, and how he had
been so worried about me for so long, but had stayed back after I had warned
him. Since I wasn't going out anymore, I stayed in with him, and tried to
rebuild our friendship, that I had so long been taking for granted. We used
to be like brothers. It took some time, but soon we were back to how we used
to be. And it was great to know that I could have such a great friend like
him. It's just...I was starting to get kind of attracted to him."
	He looked me in the eye, but I looked away, wondering where this was going.
He continued in a wary tone, as if he weren't sure I wanted to hear this.
	"I told you I'm not in love with Josh....and I'm not. But at the time I did
think that I was...because he was so nice...and caring...and cute...and I
thought that maybe he like me, as more of a friend, you know...I don't know
why, I just thought that maybe...I was so confused...that a few days before
Brit arrived, we were talking, and I sort of kissed him."
	I snapped my head back. "Wait a minute. He said he kissed YOU and you
freaked out and left. You kissed him?"
	Justin nodded, looking ashamed. Then his eyes settled back up to mine. They
looked so blue and innocent and scared. "Josh told you this?"
	"Just that. He has no idea you're gay too. Now are you going to tell me why
you don't want Josh to know?"
	"He's my best friend. And I did exactly the wrong thing that day. I went
over and told Lance. I was afraid that Josh had figured out that I was gay,
and that soon, everyone would know. I told Lance that Josh had kissed me,
Austin. I was only thinking of myself, and I totally didn't even think that
this meant that Josh was gay; I thought it was all a reflection on me. But
Lance made me go back and get the story straight, since I was totally
freaking out on him, and then Josh said that he was sorry, but he was gay. I
was so shocked, and I know this is sick, but also relieved, that I just
didn't say anything. I didn't fucking say anything Austin. I didn't say
'Josh, its ok, I'm gay too.' I just let him apologize, then I said that I
was ok with him being that way. I couldn't even believe I was saying this,
when it was me that should've been me apologizing to him! I was such a
fucking chicken shit! I hate that I did that! I hate it! I let him take the
fall for me, Austin! And I don't know why!"
	I did the only thing that made sense; I grabbed Justin and hugged him, and
held him. He was so hurt and vulnerable, torn apart with guilt, that it was
all I could do to be there for him. I felt so bad for him; I just held him.
	"You were confused," I said softly. "You freaked out. It's ok..."
	"No it's not ok!" he said, tearing himself from my embrace. "It should have
been me coming out that day, not him. And he thinks it's his fault. And that
is why I can't tell josh, ok? I don't know if I can admit how much of a
fucking idiot I was, and how I messed everything up. I was lucky I told
Lance. He was cool about it. He said it didn't change the fact that we were
friends, which I should have said. He said he still loved Josh, and that he
wished he had just trusted him and told him. Which I should have said. Then
we agreed not to tell Chris, because he's such a hater, or Joey, because
they're best friends, and we said we'd act like nothing happened."
	"You can't beat yourself up over this Justin. It wasn't your fault, you
were in a new, confusing situation, ok? And I know that Josh would never
turn his back on you. But...he thinks you're turning on him now. He told me
so when we were at Disneyland, that you're feeling resentful because of
Britney, and jealous that he has me and you don't have anyone right now. You
have to tell him, because he isn't going to know that this is what you're
dealing with! He knows how to help; he helped me," I said, trying to make
him see sense.
	"You're different, Austin. You're...stronger than me, ok? You can admit
that you were wrong. You can...you're not afraid to tell the truth, even if
people don't like you for it."
	"Dude, you make me sound like some sort of philosopher," I said, taking
another big gulp. "I don't know anything about life, except not to be
surprised when everything you know is suddenly turned upside down."
	"How come? You know, I've been talking a lot...and I realized I don't know
a damn thing about you."
	I laughed. I also realized that Justin wanted to have a heart-to-heart, and
you can only do that if I started coughing up my own life story, So I took
another long sip, and said "What do you want to know?"
	"Well, where were you born?"
	Took another sip. "I don't know."
	"You don't know?" Justin repeated.
	"I really don't know the exact place I was born. I never got a birth
certificate when I was born, and I can't exactly ask my mother."
	"Ok, hold on a second. First of all, how can you not have a birth
certificate? Everyone has one. Even if you're born in another country. You
have to. It's like, the law."
	"Well according to my dad, my adoptive dad I should add, I probably was
born in Seattle, where I grew up, but I was never born in a hospital. My
mother had a baby in secret, but she didn't tell anybody, or get the right
papers or anything, so I'm guessing that I was born in a motel or a shelter
or something. And then my mom was too afraid of the police to get me a birth
certificate, and citizenship pares, social security number, nothing."
	"Why was your mom afraid of the police?"
	"My mom was a prostitute, Justin. She ran away from home when she was
sixteen with a drug addiction, and moved here from Vegas with a dealer. The
guy was wanted by the cops, and she got into a bunch of bad stuff too. I
forget what it was she had a warrant for. All I know is, for the first few
years my life, I was forbidden to talk to anyone, especially a cop. She
changed her name a few times, but when she had me, she thought that I would
be so easy for them to trace to her. The only reason I know this is because
my dad's a lawyer, and he dug up a whole bunch of stuff on her after she
left me with him when I was eleven."
	"Your mom left you?" Justin repeated, his jaw hanging open. I nodded
solemnly. For some reason, telling Justin about my mom and my life before my
dad took me in was a lot easier than telling Josh or Jen. I don't know
why...It must be because each time I told it, I felt a little more connected
to the outside world, and not so alone, and it was easier each time.
	"The way I figure it, even though she was a horrible mom, and abusive and
neglectful, addicted to drugs and alcohol, abandoning me was the best thing
she could have done for me. My life was pretty fucked up, but probably not
as bad as you think.  I mean, she sent me to school, and she had an
apartment for awhile so that we weren't on the streets.  But the drugs had
fucked her up. She used to leave me locked in the house for an entire
weekend, and she's get violent over the stupidest things. It was hard to
live with her. She needed help. But I was just a kid, and I didn't know...so
I was pretty fucked up too for awhile. You think I'm quiet now? My teachers
thought I was autistic when I was in kindergarten and first grade, because I
didn't talk at all. Not one word. I was afraid that if I talked to anyone,
my mom would hurt me. I had bruises from when she would beat me after people
would come up to me on the street or concerned teachers would make house
calls. She didn't want me to turn her in to the cops, so I stayed
silent...It was hard, Justin. I...I try to block it out...But until I was
about eight or so, I was really messed up." By this time, tears had
inevitably fallen down my cheek, and I realized that those hands rubbing my
back were Justin's, and that his eyes were wide with concern.
	"my teachers called in school psychologists, and everything. The police,
even child protective services. Each time it got to that point, my mom would
move me to another school And the same thing would happen."
	"My mom told me it was my fault...that I couldn't stay at a school longer
than six months, and that she was running out of schools to take me, and
that I had better start talking, or I'd...I'd regret it. But it was so hard
trying to adjust, and I was so messed up. But I tried, I really tried. I
smiled when I didn't want to, and I spoke up, real soft, but just a little
bit. I slowly started to make a fake little life, and pretend that
everything was ok, because I was so scared and lonesome...I didn't know what
else to do. All the kids hated me because they thought I was weird, and so
quiet...but as I got a little older, it started to work. My new teachers
left me alone, because they thought I was just quiet, and they stopped
thinking that I was neglected or abused when I was younger. So my mom stayed
in one spot for a long time. Almost a full year. And she met my dad one
night, and he was such a caring person, that he tried to make her better. He
made her get help. He made her come back. And she slowly got better. I
helped too, because I thought that this was going to be ok. He told me that
when mommy was off the bad stuff she would be nice again. And she was nice.
She wasn't always like that. It was the drugs, Justin. She wasn't always
like that! It wasn't her fault!" I cried, over and over. It was so easy to
blame my mother, to say that she was the reason it was so hard for me to
open up to anyone. But it wasn't her fault. I believed it then, and I
believe it now. Justin just kept holding me, not saying a word. I hoped that
I wasn;t freaking him out. It was a lot for anyone to handle.
	"So we helped her get rehabilitated, and get drug therapy. We helped, and
there were no more beatings. No more weekend lockouts. It was ok for awhile.
And then the cops found us.They took me away and put me in foster care, and
put her in jail. Something minor. My dad never told me exactly what she was
in for. And my dad fought as her lawyer, so that she got off. But there were
problems when she came back. She felt like a failure. She had promised that
she'd get better, but she started to go back to heroin, and speed. She blew
it, and he didn't trust her anymore. They began to fight. But he felt too
guilty to leave, so he stuck around, for me, and reached out to me, because
he knew that I would never survive without him. I was just a little kid, I
wouldn't be able to help my mom through drug therapy, when I had been a case
of serious neglect and abuse. And I bonded with him, and I looked up to him.
He was y only out...if he left, I knew that I would die, Justin. I just knew
it."
	But my mom saw she wouldn't be able to fix her mistakes, and that she was
too addicted to care, so she took off. She left me with the only person in
the world that I thought cared about me. And he adopted me, and went all out
trying to make me a real kid again. Trying to bring me out of my shell, that
I've never really outgrown.  He took me to a psychiatrist, and got me
involved in Boy Scouts, and Little League, and the church youth group."
	At first I resisted, because I was so unused to someone caring so much, and
I fought him, and sunk into a heavy depression. I went back to what I had
done before, and I stopped talking, because I felt so abandoned. I thought
that he would leave too. I didn't want to trust him, because I didn't know
if he was going to leave me, alone, in the streets. Can you believe that I
thought about suicide when I was twelve years old? I was that messed up. But
my dad wouldn't give up on me. He was going to make everything better. He
refused to let me think I was alone."
	Eventually, I started to bend. It took almost a year, but I started to
believe in my dad, and I started to love him. I wanted to make sure that he
wouldn't leave, so I did what I could to please him. I tried so hard,
especially at baseball. I knew that that was one of my only talents, and
that if I could make it all the way, that he wouldn't be disappointed in me.
He wouldn't...he wouldn't leave. I studied and tried my best in school, and
I did as much as I could because this was the best thing that had ever
happened to me. I was able to come home to a nice house after school,
instead of a rehabilitation center, or a homeless shelter. My dad did things
like ask me how my frickin' day was, and nobody did that to me when I was
little. He wanted to know everything, and he was just the best dad in the
world. I am so fucking lucky that he was there. I just, I can't say how
happy I am that I have him in my life. I amazed everyone at how quickly I
adjusted after that first year. Like the beginning of the school year,
seventh grade, I was a completely different person. My psychiatrist said I
had made a rapid recovery, and although I was still shy and quiet and
introverted, I showed signs of real survival. I was one of those kids that
had made it even though I was destined to fail. I had survived homelessness
and neglect and child abuse, and I was ok, because I had my dad, that one
person I could look up to, and make proud."
	I popped open a third can and drank silently, remembering my old
psychiatrist, Dr. Ward, saying, "I can't believe this is the same Austin
that I met a year ago. He's made such positive progress; I can only say that
you must be a very dedicated and loving parent, Mr. Lockhart." My dad's name
is Thomas Lockhart, by the way.
	Justin was watching me with his eyes as wide as dinner plates, and his jaw
hanging open. "Not what you were expecting, huh?"
	He shook his head slowly, as if in a daze.
	"I don't know what to say," he said.
	"You don't have to say anything. Just so you know, though, you're the third
person I have told this to in my entire life, so consider yourself lucky
that I was feeling talkative tonight."
	"You're real deep, Austin. Thanks for letting me be one of the lucky ones."
	I laughed. "You're a real cornball, Timberlake," I said, as I wiped the
last of my wet eyes.  "Now, you still haven't finished your story yet."
	"I haven't?"
	"After the whole thing with Josh, what happened with you and Britney?
Because you said you quit the whole sleeping around thing, but you slept
with my ex, so I'm wondering..."
	"I never slept with your ex." Justin said.
	I paused, mid-chug. "What?"
	"I said I never slept with your ex. I wanted to, but she didn't."
	I think my heart skipped a few beats. "What are you talking about, I saw
you kissing her in the parking lot of the hotel."
	"I was kissing her. But all we did that night was talk. I told her all
about my problem with Brit, leaving out the fact that I thought about a guy
every ten seconds, and she told me all about you, and how much she loved
you, but she had to break up with you. The crazy thing is, she kept saying
that she didn't want to break up with you, but she had to anyway. You said
that it was because she thought you were too obsessive, but I don't think
that was it. She was just as much in love with you as you were with her. She
just wasn't very good at expressing her feelings. Kind of like you, before
tonight. I get the impression that somebody else was causing this breakup,
not you. And not her. It seemed almost like...somebody else thought she
should break up with you, like maybe one of her friends or something. She
didn't tell me much. Mostly, she cried, because she knew how much it would
hurt, both you and her. I really think she loved you, and it killed her to
have to do what she did."
	I considered this. "How exactly did she get you to go along with this? She
basically used you to break up with me, and you said you didn't sleep with
her?"
	He smiled. "I got to use her to break up with Britney."
	"What?"
	"We both had to do the same thing, and that was to get rid of our
relationships. I'll tell you why I had to break up with Brit in a second,
but this is how it all went down, and how I met her."
	After you stormed out of the meet and greet, Jen burst into tears, so I
went over there and tried to comfort her. She was hysterical, and was
cussing out everyone. Lance, Joey and Chris were talking to our tour
manager, Sandy, Josh took off after you, and the other girls were all trying
to be sympathetic by saying how insensitive and pig headed you were. I
chipped in, and invited her to a front row pass, to make her feel better. I
offered to talk to her after the show. She said ok, so after the concert, we
went to a small restaurant. I said that I was sorry that she was having
problems, and that I had been having problems with Britney. She was a little
hesitant at first, talking to me, but generally pretty cool. Most girls get
all star struck, and can't talk right, but she's like you and didn't seem to
care who I was. And, uh...she seemed like the kind of girl that I told you
about...hot, in a serious relationship on the rocks, and...well, it doesn't
matter. I was looking to get laid. Sorry man, but that's just what I was
thinking." I sighed, but I couldn't really do anything.
	"So we got to talking, and realized that we both wanted the same thing. WE
wanted out. So we agreed tohelp each other out. It was so weird, almost like
a business deal." That was Jen alright. Everything was serious, even a
relationship. That's what I had hated about her. "So, I called up Britney,
and said that I had someone who wanted to talk to her. I gave my phone to
Jen, and she cussed her out, basically saying what a slut she is, and how
she didn't know a good thing when she saw one. I was so impressed, I took
the phone and said 'have a nice life, bitch'. I would never have been able
to do that if she weren't there. It was the closure I needed. For her part,
we basically had to arrange for you to see us kissing. At first, it was
pretty hard, because we didn't know where you went, and the only person that
knew, Josh, was with you. So I sent Mike and a couple other bodyguards to go
searching the city, with Jen's description of your car. They brought Josh
back, and I pumped him for info, but he wouldn't say anything. Josh can clam
up pretty easily, even to me, so I knew that it was pointless to ask him. We
were starting to get worried. Jen knew that you had practice that day, and I
had to go do this promo thing for the city that morning, so she had a new
plan by the time we got back. We decided that you would see me leaving her
dorm room. I basically spent all that Saturday afternoon, waiting around for
you. She was sure that you would come by to apologize, because you did that
after every fight. But you never did. Finally, Joey called to tell me to get
my ass back to the hotel, because we were getting ready to leave, and he
said that Josh had showed up with you a few minutes ago and had locked
yourselves in his hotel room. I told Jen, and she thought that was very
weird, since neither of us knew that and Josh had become friends. So I drove
her back to the hotel, and we stood around with Lance, who asked us
questions, until you guys came back downstairs."
	"Do you want to know why I wanted to break up with Britney?"
I nodded. "After Josh kissed me, and apologized, Brit came back to Orlando,
and I told her that I wanted to be exclusive. I wanted us to be committed to
each other, and I took out the ring that I had picked out and proposed. I
really don't know why I did it; I was just hoping that this would end all
the gay thoughts in my head. But Britney didn't want to marry me. She didn't
want to settle down, and she wanted to enjoy herself. And it killed me. I
said I didn't want to pretend we were together anymore, at all, and I took
off in tears."
	I got so depressed, I went right back to partying and drinking away my
problems. I didn't even have to hide it from JC, because he was also having
problems. He was afraid to get close to me, because of the kidding thing, so
he avoided me like the plague. And I let him, thinking it was just as well."
	"But it didn't end there. After New Year's, rumors started up about us
being broken up, and about her partying and acting like the slut she is. Her
publicist made her tell the press that we were still together. And she
called one night to say that she was sorry, and she missed me, and still
wanted to have what we had before. I was so lonely that I said ok, but she
kept doing the same things. I couldn't see her because she was touring in
Japan and Australia, but her friends kept saying that she was being
unfaithful, and even her mom called to tell me that she wasn't mature enough
to handle a real relationship. It hurt so much, and I thought that I didn't
care, as long as I wouldn't be so lonely, but with her away, and people
telling me to move on, I didn't know what to do. And then your girl walked
in, and I had my out. I was free from worrying about her, and I was able to
repair the damage I had done to Josh. But it turned out he didn't need me
anymore. He had you."
	After a while, I said, "So you and Britney aren't together anymore? Then
how come the press still thinks you are?"
	"Publicity. I hate her guts, but I can still smile for the camera Austin.
I've been smiling my whole life. That's what you do when you're famous."
	I was quiet again. Then, I said what I had been thinking ever since Justin
had revealed that he hadn't slept with Jen."
	"If Jen didn't break up with me because she thought I was too needy, then
why did she break up with me?"
	"I never asked, and she never asked why I wanted to break up with Brit. We
didn't need to."
	Neither of us said anything for a long time. Then I made the mistake of
glancing at my watch. "Oh my god! It's 3AM!"
	He yawned, stretched, and looked at his own watch. "Wow, you're right. I
have to be up at nine."
	We both stood up, then looked awkwardly at each other. "I...uh, better get
back," I said.
	He looked at me, then wrapped me in a hug, which I gingerly returned. He
hung on a while longer than I did, but I dismissed it. He had revealed a lot
more about himself than I did.
	"Thanks for being such a good guy, Austin. I'm glad we're friends now. We
are friends, right?"
	"Sure. It's nice to know I have one friend in your band." He chuckled. "And
don't worry about Josh,. I'll wait till you're ready."
	"Thanks man. Well, I guess I'll see you in the morning. 'Night."
	"G'Night." I stumbled out of Justin's house and headed back to Josh's,
wondering if my three-hour talk with Justin had answered anything. At least
it had made me and Justin friends, if anything. But all I could think about
was Jen, and wonder what had been so bad about our relationship. Every time
I thought I had it all figured out, someone went and told me something that
completely changed everything.
	I locked the door like josh said, but as I did, I heard voices coming form
upstairs. Frowning, I thought that maybe josh had left the TV on, but the
muffled voices were getting louder, and more frequent. And one of them
sounded like Josh.
	Slowly, I crept up the staircase, leaning against the wooden handrail
bolted to the wall. I could see Josh's door closed, but light coming out
from it. And I could hear an argument coming form behind it. Muffled, but
still audible.
	"When will you learn to grow up? I can't keep doing this, unless we are all
mumble together, can't you see that? If I go down, we all go down. Or did
you forget that we are supposed to be a team?" (Josh)
	"All I know, is that you are trying to take over this team. You are bossing
everyone around, and freaking out when we need to calm down. You need to
stop thinking that you are in control, and start letting us work as a team."
	"How can I, when you show up late and make me make excuses for you? Huh? I
have come in every goddamn day for the past two weeks, and you stumble in
with a hangover at ten thirty. If I'm not there to make sure everything is
going ok, then everything mumble mumble."
	"mumble mumble because you are too much of a control freak! You don't want
anyone else to know, you just keep it all to yourself. You keep doing this,
and I know for a fact that me, and Chris, and Lance and Justin are all going
to put you in your damn place. You are a part of the team too, JC!"
	That meant that the visitor was Joey. What was he doing here, so late at
night?
	"I don't have to take that, just get the fuck out of my house!"
	"Oh, here we go! I'm not going to let you shut me out again, Chasez,
because we are supposed to be friends. Friends don't treat friends like they
are employees!"
	"I don't treat you that way..."
	"You treat everyone that way. You don't think I saw how you got your little
boy toy wrapped around your little finger?"
	"Don't you dare call him that, you fucking son of a bitch!"
	"Why not, that's how you treat him. Yesterday, I thought he was playing
you. Yesterday, I thought that you were going to get hurt. But I know what's
going on!"
	At this, I pushed open the door, and I found both JC and Josh, face to
face, red with anger, in the center of Josh's bedroom. Both their heads
whirled around to meet mine.
	"Where the hell have you been?!" Josh said hysterically, rushing over to
me.
	I didn't say anything. Joey was still treading water with me, and I don't
talk to people I don't trust.
	"Austin? Answer me, god damn it! You said you were going over to Lance's!
That was three hours ago! You don't even have your backpack! What the hell
is the matter with you! I nearly called the police, why are you doing this
to me?!"
	I stoically waited for Joey to excuse himself before I answered Josh.
	Joey turned and said "Why can't you act responsible, so that we don't have
to worry about you all the time?!"
	I continued to stay silent. It unnerved both of them.
	"Well? Why don't you fucking talk?!"
	"Don't yell at him," said Josh. "It just makes it worse. it's like talking
to a brick wall when he gets this way." I turned to look at him, hurt in my
eyes. How could he talk about me this way?
	"I'm not through with you, JC. You better show up at my house tomorrow
morning. Then you can hear what everyone else thinks about you trying to run
this whole show by yourself." Then he stormed out.
	After he left, Josh tried to get me to sit on his bed, but I wouldn't move.
	"I wish you wouldn't do this, Austin. I am getting tired of turning around
and finding you gone all the time. Why did you lie to me and say you were at
Lance's? You knew I would call if you weren't back in ten minutes."
	"Why would you do that?" I said.
	"What do you mean why? Because I care about you, and I worry about you."
	"Josh." I said. "You worry too much, ok? You can't keep treating me like
such a baby. I am allowed to do what I want, and I shouldn't have to call
and check in with you first."
	"I don't mean to check up, I mean so that I know where you are."
	"That's just it, josh. When I came out here, I wanted to be with you. But
you haven't even gotten the security clearance so that I can see you during
the day. You put your guards on me to baby sit me, and you expect me to be
pacified by all these expensive trips. I hate it, Josh! You don't trust me!"
	"Why should I, when all you do is lie! You still haven't told me where the
fuck you've been for the past three hours!" he said, suddenly turning
hostile.
	"I was at Justin's. And the reason I lied to you was because he wanted to
talk to me, without you knowing about it."
	"Why?"
	"Because he wanted to tell me something that he wasn't ready to tell you
yet."
	"Justin is my best friend. We tell each other everything. Why would he want
to talk to you, when, before today, you hated each other?"
	"Because you are taking your stress about this concert out on everybody
Josh. You think you can handle everything, and you think you have it all
under control. And Justin doesn't want you to get any more stressed. And I
know exactly how he feels."
	"So you've been lying me, because you think I can't handle this
performance?"
	"No! Josh, you have to stop thinking that you can handle it! They have
people for that. You are going to worry yourself into a frenzy!"
	"Don't tell me what I can and can't do!" he said. I sighed. I wasn't going
to be able to change his mind.
	"Josh, I'm going to bed. When you realize that I am not your enemy, and I
am trying to help you, you come get me. Good night."
	I turned and left the room.

Chapter 16, on its way. Email at scottiescot@hotmail.com