Date: Mon, 24 May 1999 20:12:43 EDT From: AsnYang@aol.com Subject: Reality <> Reality I groaned as my eyes opened. Never in my life did I ache as much as I did now. Not even after running 10 laps in gym. The soft fluorescent light was a comfort since it did not blind me. I scanned my surroundings. "Where the hell?" Then it came racing back at me. "Damn, my plan failed," I thought. Looks like I survived. Surrounding me was the color white - white sheets, white lights, white walls, white curtains. It was basically the stereotypical view of heaven, only hell-ified since this was not a nice white. However, it was bearable and I decided that I probably wouldn't go crazy. Thankfully, there were specks of other colors. The chairs, for example, were orange. An ugly, bright, hurt-the-eyes-orange, but a different color nonetheless. While I had been checking out my environment, a grinning-like-an-idiot nurse had slipped in. Her demeanor was like that of a female Santa Claus. "Oh good, you're awake at last. We almost lost you," she said, chuckling as if that was something she would enjoy. "It's too bad you didn't eh?" "Huh?" She gave me a bewildered look, but she recovered quickly and the apparently feigned smile was plastered back on. "Of course not. It's definitely a good thing we got you back." She finished bustling around the room and doing whatever she had to do and a doctor came in. "Ahhh, so you're awake now...," the doctor said, glancing down, "...Rodin." "Yeah yeah, ain't it a shame." "Why is that?" That was not a question I was prepared for. "Well...it's complicated and I'm not really sure I feel like sharing right now." "OK, it's your choice. You're not obligated to tell me." He droned on about how my fall was fortunately not a bad one, and that the only injuries sustained were bruises and a minor concussion, but nothing serious. They just wanted to keep me overnight for observation. This doctor was boring me and I really did not want to listen to him anymore. Gratefully, he left in a little while and I was able to just lay back and think. "Boy, you really screwed things up, didn't you," said the person at the door. It was my sister. "Yeah well, what can you do." "Nothing. I'm not here to lecture you though, just checking up." "How thoughtful...." "That's me." "You know," I started, "there's something I have to tell you." "What? You're gay?" "...yeah. How'd you know?" "Well, one, I didn't and was kidding, and two, I've suspected this for a while. "You have? Oh, I never noticed." "Obviously not." "So...." "What?" "You aren't mad or anything? I've seen how you've reacted to gay people. Not exactly the nicest language." "Well, I'm sure that as soon as I get over the initial shock, I'll feel better. I'm definitely not mad though, so calm down." "Just checking." "Why tell me now?" "It'll be easier for you to understand why I jumped." So, I spent the next half hour explaining the most puzzling part of my entire life. She listened patiently of course and did not interrupt. At the end, she asked a question. "Are you absolutely, give-your-life, sure you love him?" "No. I do know it's more than a like though. Actually, what do you think I was doing?" She sighed. "That doesn't help." "Well, sorry." "Hey, no need to get asshole-y with me." "Sorry. I just feel so confused and I'm just so irritated at life right now." "We all have our downs. It'll pull up, I'm sure of it." Just then, Lily bursted in. "Rodin! You okay?" "Whoa, scared the shit out of me. Yeah, I'm fine. Only a couple injuries, nothing major." "Me scare the shit out of you? You scared me to death. Who the hell jumps off a house?" "Someone trying to commit suicide." "Oh. OK...how come?" I told her to sit down and rerelated the whole tale again. I had just concluded when visiting hours were over. The fake nurse came back and ushered the two out. Lunch was served and I fell asleep afte I finished. It was 3:30 when I woke up. I was extremely bored of sleeping; thus, I turned on the T,V, to MTV. Total Request Live was on and Carson Daly was sounding as bland as usual. He promulgated the usual announcements about the shuffle on the countdown. One statement caught my attention though. 98 Degrees was going to be on there later on in the show. Anger and elation coursed through my blood simultaneously. As much as I was starting to despise them, well, just Nick, I still wanted to see them and view, "The Hardest Thing" video; hopefully, it would be an marvelous video. The usual videos played, unnoticed, until the fifth one. After it was cut off, the camera switched back to the studio and standing there, in their tight, sexy outfits, was 98 Degrees. ***In another state, in another person*** I was so bored of the standard chit chat being made about the new album between Carson and Jeff, with a little input every now and then from Justin and Drew. I didn't talk much and just stood to the side, gazing vacantly out the full-size window. The crowd was a little larger than compared to the usual, thanks to our appearance. The crazy, unwanted girls shrilled loudly outside. It was always the same, monotonous scene. Refocusing my attention back into the room, I sighed as I ran through my head for the billionth time what I was about to do. Finally, it was debut time. However, before it, I said my first words since being on the show. "Before TRL presents this song, I'd like to dedicate it to a certain someone in a certain hospital. I'm sorry for what I said, the anguish I caused. Please accept this apology. I swear I'll come by to visit in the near future. I've even written a poem." I glanced, my eyes begging, at Carson and said, "Do we have time?" "Long?" "Ummm...two minutes?" Carson turned to his right, to check it out with the producer I assumed. He then looked back and nodded. I smiled. Taking a deep breath, I started. Love Something I don't know, Something I can't describe, But it's something I feel, Bubbling up and inside, Showing in all my moves, Appearing in all my days, It can't be hidden, no not at all, There are just no possible ways. But I don't want to hide it, I want it to shine. Make it known to the world, That you are all mine. You, the one I talk to, You know who I talk of, You're the only one for me, You're my sole love. ***In another state, in another person*** I was astounded. Not only did Nick feel remorse, but he had just dedicated a song to me. Hell, he went all out and wrote a poem. This was a strange, yet thrilling, turn of events. My enmity and ire diminished and slowly reverted back to my previous, fleeting feelings of ardor. The video was watched in astonishment as I still could not comprehend the complete force of the pledge. A myriad of thoughts fluttered inside my bewildered brain. When would soon be? Why would he come to see me after telling me off? Did he actually feel that love and/or regret? Most importantly, would I be disappointed again by Nick? This was just too much for me. I turned the TV off. I had to think and it usually helped if I had something to write with and on. So, the nurse was buzzed and she procured a pencil and notebook for me. After thanking her, I remembered something else that always helped me. Picking up the phone, I dialed the number for home. Thankfully, it was my sister that picked up and I asked her to bring me my Discman and my case with the my 20 most favorite CD's. Soon, it was in my hands. It had been hard for my sister to get it to me, but it was now here. I placed my Sarah Mclachlan CD inside my Discman. It was perfect for whenever I was depressed and now seemed like the ideal time to employ it. Immediately, I switched to Track 7, "Angel." As the familiar lyrics flowed through my veins, I closed my eyes and tears started streaming down. The water dripped splattered onto the paper, causing little blotches of ink everywhere. Eventually, I stopped and wiped my face dry. At first, nothing was written and I just doodled, making little Nike signs everywhere. But then I started to write down my feelings - the anger, the euphoria, the gloom. Still, nothing made sense. Then again, I didn't expect it to. It was just soothing to write down what I felt. At last, it was all done. Events that had transpired from the first time Nick and I touched up to my not-too-long-ago breakdown. All emotions had left me and now I was just calm. I decided to take advantage of this serenity and laid my head down to sleep. ------------- My eyes fluttered open as I awoke from a dream/nightmare. None of it concerned me, but the incidents paralleled my life and just reinforced the unwanted reality. Thankfully though, the reality was deterred for now. All of a sudden, the nurse popped in again with a tray in her hands, piled with my breakfast. "Good morning! It's a beautiful day, isn't it?" "I don't have any windows in my room. How am I supposed to know?" "Oh...yeah. Sorry. It was an automatic thing. Well anyway, how are you doing today? You know, you skipped your dinner yesterday." "No wonder I'm so hungry now," I said, as I took a bite into the food she had brought. I felt like I was going to hurl. It hit the back of my throat and immediately came back out. She laughed and said, "Should've warned you. The food is best only if you're on some sort of drugs so that you can't taste it!" "Thanks. I'll remember that. But right now, I'm too hungry to care much more about the taste." "OK, your choice. Bye now! Oh wait, also, by the way, you get to leave today. Hope that brightens your disposition." I changed from grouchy to alleviation as she left the room and at the receival of the news. I really did not like her. Then I switched moods (to what, I'm not sure) again as HE walked in. Noone else was with him, he came alone. "Hi." "Mhhhmhh," was all I could manage with a mouthful of food. "It's okay. I'll wait til you're done." Quickly, I swallowed the rest of my breakfast. "Whoa, no need to inhale that thing. I can wait." "Don't flatter yourself. I want to say all I want to say as quickly as possible." His face contorted, the anguish evident and unmistakeable. The smile dissipated and my heart twisted. "I'm sorry," I started, "it's just that the misery you caused me is unforgettable." "I truly am sorry for that. I was just so caught off-guard when you told me you had feelings for me and to tell you the truth...." His voice trailed off. "What?" "...I had feelings for you, too. I just wasn't sure about them though." "So you friggin' told me off?!?!?!" "If I could undo the hurt, I swear I would. I couldn't think of any other way to ask you to leave me alone though." There was a pause and the feelings in the room swelled. Now was a good situation for me to start writing. I sighed. "So what happens now then? I forgive you, we kiss, make up, and I fall in love with you?" "You don't have to make it sound so bad." "Why not? It is that bad." It was his turn to sigh. "Are you going to forgive me?" The countenance was one of hope. The hope seemed genuine. "Yes. I already have. The second you walked in. That poem just clutched my heart and charged it full of love...again." "Oh good! You did see it! I was hoping you would." "No chance of missing it. I always watch TRL." "Lucky for me." Another pause occurred. "So what do we do now?" I asked. "Well, I want to make some things clear first. One, I'm not just in this for any sex. In fact, I don't care if we never have sex again. Two, I just want to start to establish your trust again. Win your heart over." "Sounds good to me. Besides, it's too late. My heart is yours to torment. I do have a problem with one thing though. I hope we have sex again. It really was great." "Good thing you disagreed with me on that. I was hoping you would." "Smart gamble." I smiled. "Phew, you're smiling again." "Yeah, whoohoo." "Hey, no need for the sarcasm." Just then, the doctor came in. "Hi. Sorry to interrupt, but I just need to give Rodin one last lookover before he checks out today." "No problem. It's your job," Nick said. The exam was over quickly and I was good for check out. "You can leave anytime today," the doctor informed me as she left. "Now sound good to you?" I asked Nick. "Impeccable timing," he said as his own smile appeared. "Good, let's go." Half an hour later, I was free. The wind blew in my face as we took Justin's 4X4 back to my house. It took a lot of debating and convincing, but I finally persuaded my parents to let me go. I grabbed everything I needed and wanted, stuffing it all into my black, Nike duffel bag. Then, after packing my hiking bookbag with electronic neccesities and toiletries, we raced out of the house, eager to get to our faraway destination of Nick's hotel in New York City. After an approximate one hour drive, we arrived and briskly dashed upstairs. The stairs had to be used because one elevator had broke down and the other was going up and full. Finally getting to the fourth floor, I dropped all my stuff into Nick's bedroom, then collapsed on the sofa. Closing my eyes, I sat back and cupped my face in my hands. Turning my head right, I blinked open my eyes. Nick was just sitting there, gazing at me. "What?" "Nothing. I just like to look at you." "Yeah well, it's sort of freaking me out, so please stop." He laughed and I joined in after a while. Unexpectedly, he then grabbed me and kissed me. I didn't push him away. We just savored the moment and reexperienced the thrilling sensations of being together. My tongue dueled with his as my hands outlined his bulging muscles. The firm butt, the strong back, the soft hair - not an inch was missed. His hands made their way over my body, too, producing a wonderful reaction in me. I could feel his own response grinding with mine. He pulled off my shirt and I grabbed his, ripping it off to expose the dream of millions. My tongue glided over his nipples and tickled his navel. The squirming victim under me let out an erotic groan and pushed me away. I gave him a confused look that transformed into one of elation as he stuck his face into my crotch. Even with my pants on, I felt mind-blowing sensations. Finally, after an eternity, he pulled my jeans and briefs down, exposing my dick. The attack on it was done rapidly and I shuddered under his skillful tongue. I screamed my orgasm as he took it into his mouth to quaff my juice. My eyes flew open and I yanked him up to taste him, mixed with me now, again. It was pure ecstasy...then it got even better. I dropped to my knees, quickly pulling down his pants and slurping in his cock. Grasping his balls, I gently massaged them and licked the skin, feeling its smoothness. I touched the slit with my tongue, the penis seeming to enlargen each time. I reached around and rubbed the smooth ass, feeling him thrust forward into my face with every gentle prod. Finally, I decided it was time to suck it. As soon as I swallowed the whole cock, I immediately pulled back, repeating this over and over. The hand massaging his balls felt the cum in him starting to flow and I instantly backed off. Then, I turned around and flaunted my ass in his face. He propelled his tongue into my ass, thrashing it around as I moaned loudly and writhed with the tongue lashing. Abruptly, my butt went cold and I couldn't feel the object causing me boundless pleasure. But then I screamed in rapture as a bigger and better object thrust into me. We promptly developed a rhythm that helped him climax quickly. As the juice dripped out, I fell back down on top of him while he pulled me into him. As we laid down, I felt so blessed but jinxed and, surprise surprise, began to cry again. "Why you crying?" Nick whispered softly in my ear. "It's you," I said as I wiped away the tears, "not you in a bad way though. I'm just feeling deliriously happy that I've got you and I'm here with you, my soulmate, but then I get visions of losing you and it's all just so confusing." "Oh." "Yeah, basically." "Well, I want to say that you'll never lose me and believe me, I would do everything possible to make that true, but sometimes things happen and as much as I wish they don't, they might." "I know, and that's what scares me so much - things happening." "It's OK. Like I said, I'll do everything humanly and not humanly possible to keep you." "You can bet I will, too." "Great, then we should stop worrying right now." He started licking my cheeks and kissing my eyes to dry the tears. Soon, he moved back to my ears and nibbled on earlobe. "Yeah, you're right." "We should just live in...," he stopped as I turned and silenced him with a gentle kiss. "...the moment," he said smiling the smile that scored the love of all. "I like this living in the moment concept," I said, mirroring his smile. "Good, cus now we need to decide what to do in this moment." "I don't see anything wrong with staying in bed." "I think the guys might though." "Screw them." "Actually...," he said, grinning sinfully. "Shut up. You would never." "It's all in the past. Remember, we're in the moment now?" "You mean the moment where we can't determine what to do?" "That'll be it." "So, what do you want to do then?" "Let's go out and do something. You feel up to shooting a little pool or something?" "Definitely. I love billiards." "Same here. Let's see if we can find some place to shoot. Get dressed and I'll call the guys." "OK." I grabbed a pair of tan khakis along with a tight, navy blue shirt. Then, going into the bathroom, I took a record-breaking shower, finally dressing after. When I came out of the bathroom, Nick was already in a pair of loose jeans and white tank. "Looking very sexy there," I said to him, licking my lips. "Thank you very much. You ain't bad yourself." "Of course not," I said, laughing. "Full of...," Nick started but stopped as a knock reverbrated through the room. "HEY, you ready in there?" It was Drew. "Yeah," Nick called back, "just a sec." Taking a deep breath, Nick walked towards the door and opened it. The length of Drew's mouth from the floor was close to nothing as it dropped open in stupefaction. "Uh...duh...ahh...Rodin!" He exclaimed, finally getting it out. "Hi, Drew. Surprised?" I asked, an ear to ear smile on my face. "Very." "That's good. So, ready to go?" "Where're the others?" Nick questioned. "They're downstairs in the lobby waiting for us. God, they're gonna get such a shock when you get down there." Nodding, I said, "Surprises are fun. Let's go." We boarded the elevator that had been full before and strolled into the lobby. The aspects of Justin and Jeff were just as hilarious as Drew's had been. Getting over their amazement, we made our way towards the front desk receptionist. "Hi...Lynn," Jeff started, "we were wondering if you happened to know a billiards anywhere?" "Hmmm...that's not a question I get everyday. Let me check." As she typed a search into her a computer, Lynn stated, "You guys look strangely familiar...." "Oh really?" "Yeah, I can't remember from where though. It's hazy in my mind. Got it, I found one." "Great, could you please print it out for us?" "No problem," she said, entering the command. We thanked her, tipped her, and departed for the basement where Justin's car was located. "Could I drive this time, please?" I beseeched Justin. "Sure," he said, handing me the keys. "Whoo hoo! Thanks a bunch." I came flying out of the parking lot, almost running the booth. "Hey, watch it. Don't kill us!" Justin shouted. "Sorry, just wanted to give you guys a little fright. Come on, loosen up." "I think you've surprised/scared us enough today," he said. "Sorry again." I drove at a moderate pace, going with the traffic. Eventually, our destination was reached. The place seemed very high class and casual, all at the same time. "Before we go in, how about we get something to eat? I'm famished," Nick said. Everybody agreed and we straightaway started looking for a restaurant. There was a corner McDonalds nearby and we entered. I ordered the Big Mac meal, choosing the same as Nick and Drew. Jeff got the Quarter Pounder and Justin selected the Fish Fillet. I attained that could fit six and waited with Justin for the other guys to bring our food. "So how do you feel about me being here?" I asked Justin. "Huh? That just came out of nowhere. Well...I don't mind, and since Nick is so glad that you're here, then it's OK with me." "Oh, cus before, I thought you were mad at me for appearing out of the blue." "Naw, I was just thinking about my car. After all, that car is my baby. I love it." "Yeah, sorry about that." Just then, the food came and Nick slid in beside me. Eager to start playing, I devoured my meal and sat waiting for the others. They finished quickly as well and soon we were back outside the billiards. <>