Date: Sat, 12 Aug 2000 02:14:24 EDT
From: LissaAGreen@aol.com
Subject: Never Know What You Had ch 9

Title Series: Never Know What You Had  ch 9
Pairing: Lance and Nick Carter (of the Backstreet Boys) Maybe?
Author: Melissa LissaAGreen
Disclaimer: This is just fiction. I am not implying anything about the actual
members of *NSYNC or BSB in real life. I have no idea if they're gay or not.
but if they were I would support their lifstyle. I've never met them.
Feedback is greatly appreciated.

JC's thoughts...

    It had been a long night for me. Of all the years I've been rooming with
Justin, we had never really faught. I knew he was upset, but he woldn't talk
to me. Which was odd, we talk about everything, there are no secrets between
us. Is there? Was there something Justin wasn't telling me?

    Our group was supposed to mee in Joey's room that morning for breakfast.
Maybe then he will talk to me.

I had got up kinda early which is unusual for me, I usually sleep in late. I
guess I have too much on my mind too sleep.

I was coming out of the shower and I noticed Justin journal.
No, I couldn't read it. Could I? I mean I am his best friend, someone who
"supposedly" knows everything about him. Then why should I want to read it?

I looked away from the brown book and shook it off. I got dresses and out in
the hall, I was going to try to talk to Lance, myabe try and straighten this
whole probalem out, hopeful fix-up some of the broken friendship.

I apprehensively knocked on his door, fearing of what may happen if he opened
it.
The first knock I got no answer, so I tried again.

I was shocked to see someone other then Lance opening the door.

"May I help you?" he asked.

I seriously had know idea who he was. But he looked like he had spent the
night, he was in a t-shirt and boxers.

"I'm JC, I was wndering if I could speak to Lance please?"

"I know who you are, but lAnce is busy right now, can you come back later?"

"Yeah sure, just tell him we're going to meet in Joey's room for brekfast
oka?"

"I'll tell him, goodbye JC."

My guess he wasn't a morning person, who ever he was. He closed the door in
my face before I even opened my mouth. I was still wondering the hell he was.

When I returned to the roo I shared with Justin, I noticed he was still
asleep. I looked over at the un-touched journal on his nightstand.

Okay, my curiousity was getting the better of me. You know your doing
something your not supposed to be when you start sweating for no reason and
your heart starts beating so hard in your chest you can hear it. Even the
littles sound in the room would make you jump up.

That's when the phone rang. I swear I thought I was going to have a heart
attack.

Justin rolled over and picked up the phone.

"Josh, tell me why we have these stupid morning wake up call so early in the
morning?"

I just smiled. God that was a close one. Why was I even considering reading
his journal?

"Your up early?" said Justin.

"Yeah, couldn't sleep I guess."

"Yeah, I've been having trouble doing that too. Look Josh I,"

"Just, it's ok, don't apologize."

"How did you know I was going to do that?"

"It's part of being your best friend, I can read your thoughts."

He smiled at me. I still had a feeling he was keeping something from me, but
I knew he will tell me when he's ready, as for his journal, I just wouldn't
look at it.

"I'm going to take a quick shower before we go into Joe's room ok?"

"Yeah Just, please do, you stink."

"Asshole!" he said and though a pillow at me.

When he disspeared into the bathroom. I looked over at his nightstand one
more time. 'No Josh, it's wrong.' I said to myself, but something told me to
keep on walking toward it. 'How would you feel if you saw one of your closes
friends do this?'
but I suddenly didn't care. I knew Justin kept up to date on his journal. He
always writing in it while we are on the roed.

The cover was a maroon colored red. It had Justin's name engraved in big gold
letters. Brittany Spears had gave it to him on his 16 birthday while they
we're still going out.

I unsnapped the hook the held the two covers together. Inside there was a
bold point pen and Justin's handwriting.

Jun 2, 00
    My past is catching up to me little by little
I don't want to finsih my dreams in fear I met meet
up with my monster.
I think it's God's way of punnishing me for being so cruel
to Lance.
I mean it's not really that I hate him, I just hate his lifestyle.

I closed the journal quickly, what the hell was I doing?
But who was this monster he was talking about?
I looked over my shoulder, I still herd water running from the shower I
started to read some more. I sat dow on the bed and flipped the page.


July 29,
God, I just did a horrible thing,
I feel really bad about it too.
I made a bet with my best friend
to kiss on of our band members.
I know Lance has a huge crush on JC
and I have a feeling Josh likes him too,
I mean he's been so distant with me,

"JC!"

I quickly closed the booked and jumped up as my name was being called. I
looked up and saw two pairs of angry eyes staring back at me.

"What the fuck are you doing!"

"Justin, I'm sorry, I just, I mean,"

"Save it!"

He grabed his journal from my hands. I've never ever seen him so mad at
anyone before. My stomach was feeling very full at the moment, I felt like I
was going to be sick.

"I can't believe you would do that Josh! Damnit I didn't even bother to hide
it becuase I thought I could trust you!"

"Justin I'm really sorry, it's just that you've been so distant lately,"

"And that makes it okay to look through my stuff?! Damnit Josh I would never
do that to you! I thought you were my best friend, my brother, bull shit!"

"Yeah tell me about Justin, your right about it being bull shit, becuase we
ain't brothers, I guess we never were! Or you would consider me family and
tell me what the hell is going on!"

"Why should I tell you! You probably already read it! Forget it Josh, maybe
we need new roomates."

"Maybe we need new best friends."

I swear I have a big mouth. I hated myself after hearing it through my own
ears.

"Just, I din't mean it,"

"No, your right Josh, maybe being friends with each other for eight years is
too long, maybe it's another way of God punnishing me. Not only is he giving
me these nightmare, but they are tearing us apart."

I had no idea what he was talking about. I hope he knew I dint mean what I
said. But he just finsihed getting dressed and left them room, leaving me
alone.

I just looking at the opened journal on the nightstand. 'God what have I
done?'


Lance's thoughts

I had gotten out of the bathroom. I noticed Chris looking a little distant. I
put my arms around him and kissed his neck.

"You sure your not mad becuase I feel asleep last night?"

"Nah baby it's fine, you work hard you need your beauty sleep. JC came by."

"Chris, I don't."

"He wanted to talk to you."

"I have an idea of what he wanted to say too."

"I tol him you were busy but you would be there for breakfast."

"I don't eat with them Chris."

"I think you should go, talk to your bandmates."

"Chris, they don't like me."

He turned around and gave me a hug. I can't discribe how good I feel when he
hugs me.

"Will you cme with me?" I asked.

"I was hopig you would ask me to. I have to eat to."

He smiled at me and we kisses.

"I'm going to finsh getting ready first, I don't think the others want to see
some strang guy come in with you in a bathrob and underwear."

"I wouldn't mind." I said.

My hand reach over to the fron of his boxers and gently tugged on him.

"Later baby, you have today off right?"

"Yeah, as soon as I'm done with breakfast we're going out, I'm going toe at
fast though."

"No Lance, your going in there to talk to them, find out what their problem
is, I have a feeling it isn't you at all."

"Chris, I herd them say they hated me, I don't want to talk to someone after
hearing them say that."

"Did you actually hear JC and Justin mention your name?"

"No, But,"

"Then how do you know they are talking about you?"

"I don't know. I herd the say that and I ust had this feeling they were. I
mean I herd Justin crying and he never cries, never."

"This is why you need to talk to them. You take all the time you need."

"Okay, I'll talk to them, but if they keep pushing me away I'm leaving and I
still want you to come with me."

"Okay, that's fair, but your going ahead of me, I'll be there soon, I
promise."

"Okay." I gave him another kiss "I love you."

"I love you too Lance."

I smiled and closed the door behind me.

I took a big breath and went down the hall to Joey's room. But I stopped. I
herd crying down the other end of the hall.

"Justin?" I called out. I was shocked to see him leaning on the wall with his
face burried in his hands.

I put my hand on his shoulder.

"Hay Justin, what's wrong?"

"Lance you scared the hell out me!"

"I'm sorry, what is it what's wrong?"

"Josh and I had a fight."

"You wanna talk about it?"

"I didn't tell Josh what was wrong why the hell would I tell you?!"

"I don't know  I'm sorry Justin."

My heart was broken once more. I hated seeing someone in pain I didnt care
who it was. But Justin it's different. if he didn't tell JC what was werong
it must be very serious. But the way he kept yelling me I just couldn't take
it anymore.

"Why are you mad at Justin?! Why do you hate me so much?! What have I ever
done to you?"

"Nothing."

"Then what is it? Just tell me why you don't like me."

"It's not that I don't like you Lance, I don't know I was so young when it
happened."

"What happened? Justin please talk to me."

"He molested me Lance, I couldn't stop him. I was only nine"

My heart stopped, I felt awful for him. I put my arm around him and pulled
him close to me. He didn't fight me off, in fact he greatfully accepted my
embrace.

"Who did this to you Justin?" I asked.

"Please I don't want to talk about it, I never even wanted to tell anyone."

"Is that why you hate me? becuase of what happened when you were little?"

"I don't hate you Lance, I just hate the fact your gay. I know it's a bad
excuse, but ever since then I had this huge fear of guys who were gay."

"I'm sorry you went through that, but you have to know I would never do
anything to hurt you."

"I know, I shouldn't have done the stuff I done, I'm very sorry, I understand
if you hate me."

When he said those last two words he started to cry again. My arms wraped
tighter around his younger body. I felt him shaking a little.

"I could never hate you Justin, I just don't understand why you did this to
me. All I ever wanted was to be your friend along with the other guys, but
since day one it's like you guys rejected me."

"Josh never did."

"Huh?"

"I know he cares for you Lance, it's my fault that he kissed you though. But
I know he really wanted to."

"And the letter?"

"I'm sorry for that too."

"So Nick really had no idea what was going on?"

"No."

I didn't know if I should be angry at him or not. I mean he looked like he
was very sorry for what happened.

"Justin I don't know what to say, I'm not saying I'm mad or anything but, I
don't know. Do you realized what happened? I haven't talked to Nick at all
since the note incident. I blamed him for being part of this."

"I'm sorry Lance, I'll do anything you want to make it up to you."

"Well, I think we just need to calm down a little bit right now. I would like
to become friends with you guys rather then enimies, I just want you guys to
give me a chance. I had being left out of stuff or no one talking to me. it
hurts and it's lonely."

Just then did something unexpected. Both his arms wrpaed around my wiast. I
smiled odwn at him. I could smell the shampoo he used that morning.

"I'm sorry Lance, I'm very sorry."

I placed my hand on his back and began to rub it. "it's ok Justin, I forgive
you. Come on let's go get something to eat. I'm starving."

He smiled for the first time at me and put his arm around my neck. I felt so
much better. I had to talk to Nick though, but that could wait another time.

When we made it to Joey's room JC was already there. He looked up and Justin
and half smiled but Justin just ignored him and sat down.

Chris looked very nervous, much like he did that day in the limo. I had my
fingers crossed in hopes Chris would be here soon.

"Guys, I have something I need to tell you." said Chris. But he was
inturupted by a knock on the door.

"Who else is coming Joe?" he asked.

"No one I know of?"

"Sorry, I'll get it."

I opened the door relaived to find Chris standing there.

"Guys, I'd like you to meet someone," I said nervously. "This is Chris, he's
well, he my boyfriend."

JC looked stunned. I half expected Justin to smilie and shake his hand but he
just glared at him.

"Well Chris, how much is he paying you to date him?"

I felt like I was just slapped in the face. Wasn't this the same Justin who I
was just talking to in the hall? I looked over at JC I could tell he was
laughing.

"Lance, we'd love to meet your playmate another time, but Chris was about
tell us something." said Joey.

I just got up and left. I had no idea what just happened. I thought I was
making friends with Justin, at least acquaintances with him.

I looked back and noticed Chris wasn't with me. I just continued walked and
slamed the door of my room behind me.

Back in Joey's room...
Chris' thoughts

"I can't believe this so-called group! First off, Justin Lance didn't pay me
to do anything with him."

"I bet, that's why I saw you this morning in your underwear."

"Josh why don't you shut the fuck up?! All you guys ever do is fight with
each other! And hurt each others feelings, well I hope your pretty damn proud
of yourselves! I would have given anything to became Lance's friend, as if
our sexuality has anything to do with you guys at all yes I'm gay and I'm
sure you already know he is."

"So what's your point? I mean have you realized something Chris? You look
just like me! The hair, the eyes no wonder he's dating you."

"Don't flatter yourself! You had your chance, you blew it! You guys may think
you don't him around, that he's nothing but someone to pick on, but your
going to find out one day your going to need him and he won't be there for
you! And I'm just waiting for that day to happen?! You guys are the worst
fucking bunch of people I ever met in my life"

I looked around the room of the quiet boys. No one was saying anything not
even Josh for once. I was so angry at them for hurting my boyfriend like that.

I just left like that. I didn't want to look at them anymore.

"Lance? Are you in the bathroom?"

"Yeah, I'm ok Chris, come on in."

I walked and witnessed something I never wanted to see.

Lance held a razor in his hands. He was sitting on the side of the bathtub.
He was crying.

"What are you doing with this baby?"

"I'm doing everyone a favor."

"You didn't use it did you?"

"Not yet."

I grabed the razor out his hand and fought him.

"Look at me James! If I ever see you doing something liek that or even
thinking of doing this again we're through Nothing in this world is worth
losing your life! NOTHING!"

He wouldn't look at me. He kept his head down and continued to cry. I held
him in my arms.

"Why don't they like me? What's wrong with me?"

It broke my heart hearing those questions coming from him. I had no idea what
was wrong. He was the most friendliest most caring person I ever met.

I sat there just holding my boyfriend close hearing him crying broke my
heart. I just wish I could take revenge on those assholes how brought tears
to his eyes.

    _______________________________________________________________

        There you go hehe the last two chapters we're pretty small I'm sorry.
    What will Chris do to the rest of the guys after what they did to Lance?
    If it was me oh boy, well they're just lucky it wasn't me hehe. I
apprciate any feed  back I get, good bad, I've been loving all the mail I've
been recieving as well,
    I've never gotton so many respones to on of my stories before. Also if
you feel like
    Chatting, feel free to IM me!

                Melissa