Date: Thu, 24 Oct 2002 21:09:18 -0400
From: Writer Boy <writerboy69@hotmail.com>
Subject: rebound - part 5

Obligatory warnings and disclaimers:

1) If reading this is in any way illegal where you are or at your age, or
you don't want to read about male/male relationships, go away. You
shouldn't be here.

2) I don't know any of the celebrities in this story, and this story in no
way is meant to imply anything about their sexualities, personalities, or
anything else.  This is a work of pure fiction.

Questions and commentary can be sent to "writerboy69@hotmail.com". I enjoy
constructive criticism, praise, and rational discussion. I do not enjoy
flames, and will not tolerate them.

That said, we now continue.

***

There are a lot of restaurants downtown by the aquarium, but Justin wasn't
sure what he wanted to eat, and I didn't want to rush him. I suggested the
Legal Sea Food Company, which was right there, but he didn't want more
seafood after his chowder last night.  Closer to the market, there were
more places, but they kept being strikeouts. Too many people at that
one. Not in the mood for Chinese. The oldest restaurant in Boston, was, God
forbid, more boring history. I felt myself about to lecture him on the
ignorance of young people regarding the past and their sense of place in
the world, and then realized it wasn't my job to, and it wasn't why he was
here. Justin wanted to talk, and I wanted to listen, but I had a feeling
that he was doing the same thing now that he had earlier.  Taking this long
to find a place to eat was another redirect.

"Justin, we're running out of places," I said, shrugging. "We can head out
to a different part of town, or, if you want, we don't have to eat now. We
don't have to talk now, if you changed your mind, either."

He looked up in surprise, his face almost comically so, and I squeezed his
shoulder quickly.

"Justin, talking was your idea," I said, shrugging. "If you're having
second thoughts, or you want to wait and talk to April instead, or whatever
moment you were having is gone, that's fine. We can do something else, or
we can go do nothing. Whatever you want, Justin."

"I'm sorry," he said, glancing down. He looked up at me again, his blue
eyes seeking my green ones, but I wasn't sure what he was looking for. Once
I knew, I wasn't sure if I'd be able to provide it. For now, though, all he
wanted was to talk, maybe. "I just, it's not always easy for me to open up
to people, not even my friends, and, well, I don't even know if we are
friends. We get along, and I like spending time with you, but, I don't
know. This is just hard, ok?"

"Justin, that's fine," I said, considering how much this was like what I'd
been thinking about yesterday. "If we're just friendly acquaintances,
that's fine with me, Justin. I was just trying to get you out to have a
little fun. If you want to be friends, I'm ok with that, too, but I'm not
going to push you if you don't want to be pushed. I meant what I said.
Everything else is up to you."

I didn't think I'd said anything profound, but apparently it was exactly
what Justin needed to hear. His eyes lit up, and he took my arm.

"It is all up to me," he said, smiling. "This time, it really is. Come on,
let's go eat."

Justin pulled me into the nearest restaurant, not bothering to look what
kind it was, and asked for a table for two in the back. I didn't really
think it was necessary, since the place was small, and there weren't many
tourists out in the middle of the week, anyway. There was a little bit of a
lunch crowd, but we were still seated immediately, and after the waitress
took our drink orders and left us with the menus I waited to see what he
would say. Justin's entire demeanor had changed from what it had been at
the aquarium. He was lighter now, more vibrant, more like himself again, as
if he was pulling himself out of his funk. The menus were one sheet, typed
paper, and a little plain, but I was willing to bet the food would be
good. Even if it wasn't, chicken was safe as long as it wasn't pink, or at
least I was hoping.

"This is nice, isn't it?" Justin asked, looking around. I looked at him a
little mirthfully, curious, and he laughed. "OK, I don't mean the
restaurant, although, you know, it's not bad. I meant being in a place like
this. Being out in public, just deciding to walk in somewhere and doing it,
not having anyone with you, you know, a bodyguard or anything, not having
to be somewhere. And it's really nice to be here with someone I like."

The way he said that, the way his eyes lit up, left me feeling a little
uneasy, but I wasn't sure why. I liked Justin, and I thought I'd like to be
his friend. Something else was there, though, and I didn't like the way
that felt.

"I guess it's ok," I said, shrugging. "I do this all the time."

"I know," Justin said. "I don't, though. That's kind of the point. I don't
get to do stuff like this. I don't get to just call up a friend and get on
a plane, and I don't get to walk around in a city in the middle of broad
daylight without somebody following me, or somebody checking on me. I don't
get to do any of this, and I forgot how nice it is to do that, to just do
what I want."

"No one knows you're here, do they?" I asked. "That's why April couldn't
tell you she was leaving. You called her, and then you got on a plane."

"You got me," Justin said, smiling. "My mom doesn't know where I am,
management doesn't know where I am, and the rest of the guys don't know,
either. Right now, Justin Timberlake is missing in action."

"Wait," I said, shaking my head. "I haven't seen anything about it. I read
the paper at the front counter of the store every morning, even the
entertainment section, and I haven't seen a word about you being missing."

"You won't," he said, shaking his head. "How much do you know about us,
really?  About Nsync?"

"I know you're doing well," I said. "We have a magazine rack, after all."

"We're on top right now," Justin said, not bragging. "We're at the top of
our game. I know people talk about the Backstreet Boys, but there's only
room for one at the top, and Popodyssey just blew their tour out of the
water. We have magazine pieces coming up, I have that Cosmo cover, sort of,
and we have other stuff, too. The Michael Jackson thing, and we have a
concert that'll be on right after Thanksgiving. Right now, at least as far
as pop music goes, we're number one, and I'm number one in our group. It's
all about the five of us, but if you ask people who the lead is, or who
they know, it's me. I wrote most of the album, so I have most of the leads,
and I'm the one people want to see."

"It's good that there's no ego on you," I said, smirking a little. Justin
giggled, and shook his head.

"I wasn't trying to be like that, like, hey, I'm Justin, and I'm the best,"
he said. "I was just trying to give you a sense of where we are, and where
I am, right now.  I'm the number one boy in the number one band, and if no
one knows where I am, they're not going to just put out the word on the
news, you know? They keep leaving messages on my phone, but nobody knows
where I am."

"Justin, your company must have resources at their disposal," I said.
"They'll be able to find you. I mean, they can hire private detectives or
something. They'll get your name off the passenger list on the plane."

"Not unless they're looking for J.R. Harless," he said. I was about to ask,
but he held up a hand, smiling. "Justin Randall. The Harless is my mom's
married name. I know it's not really creative, but since they check so
carefully to get on planes now, I needed something that was already on some
of my ID. I don't usually use Harless for anything, but I do have a card
with it, for times like this. It'll only slow them down, but for now, I'm
ok."

"So, I guess now that I know how you did it, why?" I asked. "What are you
hiding from?"

"I, that's a hard question," he said. "Some of it is that I just need a
break. I needed to get away. To be inside that, the way we live, with
everyone looking, it's hard sometimes, and you need a break. You need time
to collect yourself, to be somewhere else.  We just finished a tour, and
that's really hard, too. People think you're just riding around singing and
dancing, but it's harder than that. You don't get enough sleep, you lose
weight, and you're on the go all the time. There's the rehearsals, and you
have to keep your energy up, because everyone has to get the same show, and
it has to be the best, even if you're tired, or something's going on with
you. We're kind of used to it, but we've been doing this for almost seven
years. It wears you down after a while."

"I didn't realize it was so much work," I said, shrugging.

"It is work," Justin said, but then he smiled again. "I love it, and there
isn't anything I'd rather be doing, but like I said, it's not easy."

"Since you just finished a tour, and all the other stuff you guys have been
doing since it ended, I could see how you could use a little time off," I
said, chewing thoughtfully.

"But you still have a question," Justin observed.

"I didn't know if I should ask questions," I said, shrugging. "If you want
to talk to me, I thought maybe I was just supposed to let you talk."

"I asked you questions last night," Justin said, shrugging. We were both
ignoring the fact that I had asked one question already, and he hadn't
completely answered it.  "If you want to ask, you can."

"Isn't your family going to worry about you?" I asked. "I mean, maybe
they're used to you not being around, but I'd be worried if you didn't
call."

"I did," he said, shaking his head.

"You told me they didn't know where you were," I said, confused. Justin was
looking at me with his head cocked again, and I realized it was a gesture I
was starting to get used to.

"They don't," he said simply. "But I called my momma. I mean, you didn't
think I'd just run away and not tell her I was safe. I talked to her at the
airport, and told her I needed to get away for a little while. She, well,
she knows what's going on, so she said ok."

I sighed, looking at my hands. We were talking, but we weren't really
communicating. I was no more aware of what was wrong now then I had been
yesterday. I felt like we were connecting, but something was missing.

"Justin, you still haven't answered the basic question," I said. "I asked
what you were doing here, and you've sort of explained, but I feel like
we're dancing and I don't know the steps. What is going on, Justin? I want
to help, if I can, or even just listen, if that's what you need, and you
say it's ok if I ask questions, but you're not giving me any answers."

Justin looked down, frowning, and sighed as well. When he looked up, I
could see that he was upset, but there was something else, too. Justin was
struggling. For all of his fame, and everything else, something was hurting
him, and that bothered me.  Despite what I'd thought at first, he was a
nice guy, and I didn't want to see him hurt. As I'd said to him, I wanted
to help. I wanted to make him feel better. For the first time, I realized
that I actually wanted to be Justin's friend. I wanted him to look at me
and care, because I found that I cared about him, and I was a little
worried about him. Whatever he was dealing with was almost too much for
him.

"I told you before, and I told April," he said quietly. "I'm having some
problems right now. I, there was someone."

He wiped at his eyes suddenly, and I handed him a napkin. He blotted
quickly, and smiled at me, pushing whatever he was thinking away.

"Justin, is it Britney?" I asked. "Is something happening with the two of
you?"

"Did April call you back?" he asked suddenly, redirecting again. Bam! Those
walls of his. "Have you heard from her?"

"No, I haven't, and I'm a little worried about her," I answered, frowning.
"It's not like her to not return a call, especially not from me. I might
call her mother later."

"Maybe we should," Justin said, nodding.

"She's not the only one I'm worried about," I said, reaching across the
table to pat his hand. "I'm sorry Britney's making you feel like this."

"She's not," Justin said, shaking his head, and I blinked. He squeezed my
hand for a second, and then folded his hands in front of him on the
table. "That's not the problem at all."

"I'm sorry," I said, blushing. "I feel like a dick. I just thought."

"You had the right thought," Justin said, shaking his head, and he smiled a
little to let me know it was ok. "You just have the wrong person. Britney
isn't my girlfriend."

"But the papers," I said, my hands fluttering in confusion. "I read about
it in magazines all the time, Justin. If she's not your girlfriend, you've
got everyone fooled."

"That's it exactly," he said, grinning like a child. "I love Brit to death.
She was my first kiss, and she's always been there for me. She's my best
friend, but she's not my girlfriend. I don't have one."

"I'm so confused," I said, shaking my head.

"Maybe it's because your gaydar is so messed up," Justin said quietly. When
I looked up he was smirking again, and I wanted to throw my napkin at
him. "I told you, I don't have a girlfriend."

"Wait a minute," I said loudly, and then sheepishly covered my mouth,
blushing again, as I realized how loud I'd just been. "Justin, I've seen
you and Britney on TV.  You two obviously care about each other."

"I told you, she's my best friend," Justin said, shrugging. "You made the
same assumption that everyone does. Because Britney and I spend so much
time together, and like each other so much, it just kind of started going
around that she and I were together.  Her publicist and my publicist
thought it was a great idea, and all of a sudden, before you knew it, me
and Britney were a couple."

"Why did you let it happen, though?" I asked. "If you're not with her, why
are you lying?"

"The only thing we're lying about is that we're dating, and she and I have
actually never said that," he said, shrugging. "Everything else we say is
true. I love her, she loves me, and we care about each other very
much. We're, um, we're not virgins, or at least I'm not, but it's
definitely true that she and I haven't had sex."

"Then who?" I asked. "I mean, are you seeing anyone now?"

Maybe he was lonely. It had to be hard, being in the spotlight all the
time, having everyone think you were straight and dating this pop
princess. He'd already talked about what it was like to be on tour, to be
in the public eye, and I tried to imagine hiding that you were gay on top
of that. No wonder he looked so strained.

"We broke up," Justin said finally, looking down again. "We, I, I broke up
with him three days ago, for good this time."

"I'm sorry, Justin," I said, sighing. Even though it was apparently
Justin's idea to break them up, it was obvious that he wasn't happy about
it. "Have you heard from him?"

"He calls my phone every day to say he's sorry," Justin said, covering his
eyes for a second. I thought he might be wiping them. "He, sometimes he
sings, into my voicemail, and I want to call him back, but I know I
can't. I kicked him out of the house, told him to leave, and he stayed
away, but I just had to get out. I couldn't stay there, with our stuff,
with the pictures."

"He sings to you," I said, thoughtfully. "Is it someone in your group? Is
that why you didn't want anyone to know where you were?"

"Yes," Justin said, almost whispering. He looked heartbroken, staring down
at the remnants of his lunch. I didn't know what to say, really, and I just
waited for him to collect himself. The waitress walked by, dropping off
refills on our drinks, and finally Justin looked up at me. "I'm sorry. I
guess I'm ruining lunch, huh?"

"No more than I ruined dinner last night," I answered, shrugging. "Justin,
I can see that whatever happened hurt you, and you said it was you who
broke up with him.  Was it the best thing for you? Honestly?"

"I think it was," Justin answered. "But I'm not sure. I wanted to get away
from everything, from him and our friends and everything else, to clear my
head a little, and I wanted to talk to April."

"Why her?" I asked. "I mean, why not Britney, or your family? Not that
April's not a great person and all, but I didn't realize you guys were this
close. I knew you were friends, but I really didn't have any idea the two
of you talked to each other about this kind of stuff."

"Well, I wanted to talk to April because she was the one who helped me with
it the last time this happened," Justin explained.

"The last time you broke up with someone?" I asked. Justin shook his head.

"Not just someone," he answered. "April helped me the last time I broke up
with him. I wondered how she was so understanding, how she seemed to know
exactly how I felt, but I guess it was because of you and Matthew."

"Justin, he and I didn't break up," I said, feeling a little resentful. He
chose to leave his boyfriend. The person he loved wasn't taken away from
him, leaving him alone. It wasn't the same thing at all. Justin quickly
grabbed my hand, and I realized that my tone must have carried a little bit
of my sudden hurt.

"No, I didn't mean about that," Justin said, squeezing my hand again. His
thumb brushed over the back, rubbing across the top of my knuckles. I
wondered briefly if he held his boyfriend's hand that way, too. "I meant
about the rest, about the being gay part. He and I had a rough spot last
year, while April was working with us, and she kind of walked in on me when
I was upset. She brought me some tissues, and we started talking, and she
helped me a lot. We talked all the time, and she helped me come to better
terms with, you know, with being who I was."

That sounded like a completely April thing to do, and I realized that she
had been able to help Justin so well because of Matt after all. After I
lost him, I was lost as well. There were days when I didn't want to get out
of bed, when I didn't want to do anything except lay there and cry and
think about what I'd lost, and April had come over every day.  Sometimes
she just sat with me, sometimes she brought Michelle upstairs to talk about
the store, and sometimes she talked as much as I did. Michelle and I shared
our grief with each other, shared the sense of loss and the giant Matthew
sized hole inside both of us, and through it all she got a lot of practice
at dealing with people who were upset, crying, and heartbroken. Apparently
she'd used that newfound skill to help Justin as well.

"Justin, didn't you know who you were already?" I asked. "I mean, if you
had a boyfriend, you must have had at least some idea that you were gay."

"Kind of," Justin said, shrugging. "It's kind of complicated. I mean, I
knew I loved him, but I hadn't really told my family, or our friends, or
the other guys in the band. I wasn't sure if it was right, and I thought
maybe the reason he and I had so many problems was that we weren't supposed
to be together at all. April listened to me, and she helped me understand
that whatever problems we were having weren't because what we were doing
was wrong. She helped me understand that it was ok to love whoever I wanted
to, and because she did that, it helped me be with him on my own terms."

"What do you mean?" I asked. I'd noticed that Justin talked a lot about
things being up to him and things being his choice, and I guessed that he
was resentful of people making choices for him. Maybe it had happened to
him a lot, and he was fighting to grow up. If he was, I thought he was
doing a damn good job.

"My relationship with him is kind of complicated," Justin began. My
eyebrows went up as I debated asking which one it was, and Justin caught
it. "I'm sorry. My boyfriend is, um, was JC. Do you know who he is?"

"The one with the beard thingy?" I asked, pointing at my chin. "The skinny
one?"

"Yeah," Justin answered, smiling a little. "I haven't been using his name
because it bothers me, kind of, but I didn't want you to sit here and
wonder which one it was. You were going to ask, weren't you?"

I nodded, and he smiled, and then continued. It registered in the back of
my mind that he was still holding my hand, but we both seemed comfortable,
so I let it stay.

"I met JC a long time ago, when we were both a lot younger," Justin said.
"We were on the Mickey Mouse Club, with Britney and Christina and Tony and
some other people that you probably don't know. JC was older than me, and
he'd been on for a while.  I was new, and it was the first time I'd ever
done anything like that. The first day I was kind of nervous, and he saw
it, and talked to me about it. He told me he was shy, too, and that he'd
been really scared, and I didn't believe it. I was like this little kid,
and he was this big teenager, and at the time that seemed so old to me,
like he was almost an adult, and I couldn't believe he even noticed me,
much less stopped to talk to me."

"So you guys became friends," I said, nodding, but Justin shook his head.

"Not at first," Justin continued. "Like I said, he'd been there for a
while, and he already had friends of his own. I was kind of starstruck,
though. I didn't realize it at the time, because I just wanted to be his
friend, but I think JC was my first crush, and I had it bad. I followed him
around everywhere, and eventually he started letting me sit with him and
hang out with him and his friends. At first they kind of treated me like
their mascot, like a little brother or something, but then JC started to
really like me. He started to ask me to do stuff, rather than waiting until
I showed up, and we hung out all the time. And then the show was over, and
we went our separate ways. We still talked on the phone, and I sent him
letters, and he wrote back, but it was always like one letter from him for
every three or four from me. He liked me, but he had his own life, too, and
I was still kind of a kid.  When Chris called me, though, and signed me up,
he asked if I knew anyone, and JC was the first one who came to mind."

Justin paused, letting go of my hand to wave the waitress over, and ordered
us both a piece of pie. I was amused that he didn't ask me, but I was
hungry. He smiled at me, looking a little more relaxed as he thought of the
good parts of his past. I knew how that could be.

"After we had the group set, when Lance joined, we moved into a house, and
JC sat us all down and told us he was gay," Justin said. "He wanted us to
know while there was still time to kick him out, but it was kind of obvious
even then that he was going to be one of the leads. The guys talked about
it, and in the end they said it was ok, but they set out some rules, and he
agreed to them. JC was allowed to date, as long as it was secret, and he
had to appear in public with female friends if we were bringing dates to
something.  Right after we decided that, we left for Europe, and that was
kind of it."

"What about you?" I asked. "How do you tie into that?"

"Well, that's not so complicated," Justin said, spreading his hands. "I was
never really sure how I felt, so I just didn't date anyone. People wrote it
off to me being young, and that was ok. JC, though, he met someone while we
were in Europe, and they started a relationship that was, um, it wasn't
good for him."

"He was abusive?" I asked. It would be terrible to watch a friend go
through that.

"Not exactly," Justin answered. "The guy JC was dating was bi, not gay, and
he had a lot of issues about it. A lot of shame, and anger at himself, and
some of the way he felt bled over onto JC. The stuff we do is pretty
stressful as it is, like I told you, so that didn't help at all. Eventually
JC broke it off with him, and while he was getting over it, I comforted
him, because I was his best friend. I was eighteen, then, and he was
finally starting to see me as an adult, but he still didn't see me as an
equal. There was always that little bit of me as the little brother between
us, and there kind of still is. JC and I started seeing each other, and
then we waited a while before we told the other guys and our families."

"How did that go?" I asked.

"Not bad, but not as well as it could have," Justin said, sighing. I knew
that coming out to your family could be a little rough if they didn't take
it well, and here Justin was with two families, plus the guys in the band,
who were like another family. "The guys kind of suspected, and they put JC
and I under the same rules. They, um, they also didn't want us to be too
demonstrative when we were around them, either. They're ok with it as a
concept, and they're ok with us, but they're not always ok with it being
right in front of them, so we try to respect that. JC's family already knew
about him, and they were kind of glad it was me, since he and I were so
close. My family, though, they didn't know that I was gay, since it never
came up before, and they didn't take it so well.  They've kind of come
around, but my mom is still a little standoffish."

"But you guys stayed together through it?" I asked, and Justin nodded. "And
then you were having problems when you met April?"

"Yeah," Justin said. "JC and I, well, he loves me, and if that was enough,
I'd still be with him, but love only carries you so far, you know? JC loves
me, but he doesn't treat me as an equal, and sometimes he's jealous of me,
too. He doesn't say it, but I can tell, and sometimes when I'm mad at him,
I overshadow him on purpose. Don't look at me like that. It's not our only
problem. He cheats on me. Not often, and he tells me about it afterward,
tells me he's sorry, but he cheats on me, and that hurts. I was really
insecure in the beginning, and April helped me with that. I was worried
about who I was, and I was worried that since I'd never been with a guy
before that I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't right for him. Every time
he cheats on me, I feel like I'm not good enough, and this last time he,
well, he slept with his old boyfriend. I'm tired of it, so I broke up with
him."

"And you came here," I added, thinking that it was all tied up.

"Because I had to," Justin said. "I had to get away. When JC and I fight,
the other guys, they try to fix it. They either tell us to fix it, or they
start getting into it, too. They've been calling me as much as he has,
except that there are three of them. One of the things they worried about
when we told them we were together is that it would upset the chemistry of
the group, and they were right. When JC and I don't get along, the group
doesn't work right. The music doesn't flow, the dancing doesn't click, and
Nsync doesn't happen.  Right now, it's not happening, because I can't take
the way he treats me anymore. It's not good for me, and I can't listen to
them, so I had to get away. I can't stay at my house, because it's our
house. I can't stay with my mom because when JC and I fight, she just says
that it shows that she's right, that the whole thing is a mistake. When I
go back to him, she doesn't say anything, but I can't listen to what she'll
say right now, either. I can't go to my dad's, because he just doesn't
understand. He still loves me, but he doesn't get it, and I can't go to
Britney, because she's JC's friend, too.  I'm here because I have nowhere
else to go, and then I got here, and April isn't even here."

By the time Justin got to the end of this, his face flushed, and his eyes
were watering again. He pushed his chair away from the table, shaking his
head, not meeting my eyes, and I reached out, putting a hand on his arm.

"Justin, I'm sorry," I said quietly. "I'm sorry about all of that, and I'm
sorry April isn't here to meet you. I'm sorry you have nowhere to go, but
you can stay here as long as you need to, as long as you have to, ok?"

He looked up at me, his eyes glistening, but somehow he managed a smile.

"That's what the hotel told me, too," he said, still smiling.

"That's not what I meant," I said, shaking my head.

"I know," he said, patting my hand where it sat on his shoulder. I felt the
firm muscle beneath my fingers shift a little. "I was trying to lighten the
moment."

"It's ok, Justin," I said, removing my hand, suddenly feeling a little
unsettled. "I meant what I said, though. I'm sorry April isn't here."

"I'm sorry for dumping all of this on you," he said, pulling out his
wallet.  I reached for mine as well, and he shook his head, so I figured he
could pay, and chalk it up to a therapy bill.

"Justin, you obviously needed to talk, and get this out," I said. "I'm glad
I was here to listen, and I hope it helped a little."

Justin thought about this for a second, and then he smiled again, wider
this time. It lit up his whole face.

"I think it did," he said. "I think it did help some. And Chris?"

"Yeah?" I asked, wondering what else he needed.

"I'm glad you were here to be my friend."

***

To be continued.