Chapter 11

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The last two weeks seemed to be the quickest in my life. There's just no drama and the fact that I have to see Brian's family isn't really slowing things down. What did happen in those last two weeks?

Well, Justin left after a few days since our shopping spree to rehearse for the NSYNC tour. It was a tearful event for Justin and Nick who promised to stay in touch and call each other everyday. But one thing was just bugging me. Is Justin ready to face Josh? He says that he has moved on but that is yet to be seen in the future. It's not that I don't trust Justin or anything. But he has been in love with this guy for God knows how many years and he has to face him after a very tearful breakup.

Well, he did tell me that they have faced each other and there was nothing that happened. And they were shocked as hell learning that Justin came from the Backstreet camp. I just can't figure out this rival thing between these two bands. 

I live in a monotonous life. I find my job in the café more exciting than being the assistant sound engineer. Well, once we resume the tour, I'll take charge of being the music director and I have tons of suggestions already. Anyway, it was pretty boring. I go to the venue and see that everything is fine, which is always. Hear the guys sing, which is really satiating already. How the others can endure this punishment, I still don't know. Hear the deafening shrieks of the bevy of girls who would prolly do anything to touch their favorite.

We were returning to the hotel after a tiring concert. Good thing that it was the last one then we have a week off to recharge our batteries so to speak. Brian and I remained tight as ever. I think it's with our relationship that was raised to higher level after our first time together. And the others jeering our supposed "noise" were pushing us to be tighter. 

"So, where are you guys gonna go with the break?" I asked as we waited for the elevator to bring us to the floor.

"Well, I'm gonna be seeing Justin in their tour." Nick said happily. My heart goes to Nick. The case with him was the same with me. You just met someone and then you have to part because of your job. 

"I'm sleeping at home." Howie said tiredly. With the last two weeks, I have learned lots of things about the guys, even Howie. I know that Howie was one of those silent types and it's a challenge to reach inside him. I know he's been so tired... same as Brian.

"I'll see Amanda and party." AJ said with a grin. Always a party guy. I've met Amanda only twice and I think that we really hit it off. We were chattering about many things especially about the guys. It was very good to talk to a person who isn't part of the group but still affiliated with them closely.

"I'm joining you two in returning to Lexington." Kevin chimed in. Of all the times to bring the Lexington affair. All I could was sigh. There's just nothing I can do and my nervousness was showing. I was more jumpy than ever and sometimes, I would just go in a daze. "Don't worry. They'll like you." Kevin assured me with a warm smile. I forced myself to smile as well but I think it really didn't work out.

"Come on sweetie. Don't be nervous. It's just my parents." Brian said rubbing my shoulders. Just my parents? Excuse me! I think it's a really big step. It's my boyfriend's parents we are talking about. Not some odd pair out there. The elevator door opened and we all filed out to our respective rooms to finally put the day to a rest. And tomorrow, can it be not tomorrow ever?

"I promise you, they'll love you." Brian said as we walked out of the plane. I was minutes away with the Littrell clan and my anxiety was getting the best out of me. It's just Brian's parents. It's just Brian's parents. I can do this. I have to do this.

"Bri's right! Uncle Harold and Aunt Jackie are the sweetest people in the world... next to my parents of course." Kevin chimed in. I forced a smile and a nod trying to satisfy them. I'm okay with this.

We waited for our luggage and once we're done, Brian was trying his best to find his family. With the shades and the ball cap, I don't think it's very easy. Kevin decided to just hail a cab for him so he wasn't with us anymore. Brian waved his hand and looked at the direction he's waving at. Three people were walking towards our direction. Two old persons and one not so old guy. I guess this is it.

"Mom! Dad! Harold!" Brian said walking towards them. They exchanged the usual pleasantries and basic questioning like how was the trip and everything like that. "Guys, this is Martin, my boyfriend." Brian said proudly. I smiled at them trying to hide my nerves.

"It's nice to meet y'all." I said to them and shook their hands. They welcomed me with smiles on their faces. I think they're a bunch of good people. That's my first impression; I just hope that it would last.

"Nice to meet you Martin." Jackie smiled at me. I think they like me. "So how was the trip, Brian?" Jackie asked his son. I think that's okay considering they haven't met for weeks.

We walked to their car with the four of them chatting like they haven't seen each other for months. Wait, they haven't seen each other for weeks. Well, I was feeling very left out because I have no idea what on earth they were talking about. It's like watching a Chinese movie without knowing how to understand Chinese. Even in our trip, they still talked and talked and talked. They just never ran of stories to tell to each other. And I did add a few when I got the chance to talk to them.

I just got this weird feeling inside me that they don't like me. They did welcome with smiles on their faces and it appears that they don't have any problem with me. It's just this feeling of indifference towards me. I guess this is still my paranoia working.

We reached a big house. I guess this is it. We all filed out of the car and Brian and I were left while they entered the house. We still have our luggage and it appears that they don't have any bellboys or something like that. "See I told you they like you." Brian said smiling.

"It's just this feeling Bri. I trust what you said." I said to him. We took our luggage and entered the house. The interior of the house was a little country and I could see lots of pictures of Brian in different ages. Aaw, he's so cute. We walked up the flight of stairs and entered a room.

"Welcome to my territory." Brian said raising his hand like a king of some sort. It was actually simple and very Brian.

"I really like it. Where will I sleep?" I asked him. Brian just looked at me like I was mad with what was I saying.

"Of course here silly!" Brian said and gave me a peck. Okay fine. We unpacked our things. I still can't live with a bag, it just looks so wrong. Afterwards, the two of us went downstairs to help in anyway possible. "You guys need any help?" Brian asked.

"No sweetie! Lunch will be in a couple of minutes so just stay put there in the living room." Jackie said to Brian. See, I told you. It was like I didn't even exist in this world. What I do for love. 

So, we took Bri's mom's orders and we just lounge in the sofa. "Enjoying yourself?" Brian asked me. Of course not! Can't you see I feel so alienated here? But of course, I can't say that. Whatever happens they are the family and I'm just an intruder here. I know it's prolly wrong but that's what I was feeling.

"I am. It's better than tour." I said with a smile. Brian just groaned when he heard the word, tour. I guess I know the feeling when he says it's one difficult job and it gets so tiring sometimes but you can't quit and just have to put that inside yourself.

"Lunch is ready!" Jackie hollered from the dining room. Brian took my hand and we walked to the dining room. Uh-oh. Food. And there were different kinds of food laid down on the dining table. I guess I have to really work out to cut this extra pounds I'll be putting in.

Lunch was more animate than before. I got to be asked a few questions. And when I say 'few', let's say it's around 2 to 3 times. But I must admit the food was great. "Mrs. Littrell, lunch was very amazing. It's been too long since I've had such a great meal." I said with a smile. Well, the best way to a person's heart is through flattery.

"Thank you very much Martin." Jackie responded also with a smile. That's another one for Martin and family talk. So that's 4 I think. I'm not trying to mock them or anything but it's the truth. 

I wanted to help clearing away the table but they insist that I'm a guest here and let them do this. So I gave way. Brian helped them. I rolled my eyes and walked to the living room to sulk alone and feel the alienation in this little country house. After a few minutes, Brian emerged from the dining room and sat beside me.

"Do you wanna join me in going out? I'm gonna meet a few of my buddies back in high school." Brian asked me. Wow, that was so interesting. I'll get to meet more new people who would prolly ignore as well. Is this a country thing or what?

"Nah, I'm beat from the flight earlier. I think I'm gonna stay in." I said to Brian. He took it and off he went to his little trek back to memory lanes. After a few minutes, Jackie and Harold Sr. emerged from the dining room and sat in front of me. There was no smile on their face.

"It's a good day out there." I said to him trying to break the silence. 

"It is." Brian's dad responded and that was it again. Silence and more silence. "Can we talk?" He asked me. Uh-oh. I don't like the sound of that. Brian, my boyfriend and their son is away and I'm stuck here alone and his family wants to talk to me. I'm feeling a little queasy.

"Sure, what is it about?" I said trying to put my interest on it. What can I do? I was brought up to respect other people, especially those who are older than me. Family values and those sorts.

"What are your true intentions with our son?" Jackie asked me bluntly. Wow, I never expected that. Okay, I was expecting it since the first time we met.

"I love your son very much. I won't do anything to harm him." I answered them. They seemed to accept that answer.

"Don't take this the wrong way or anything but we hoped that you understand." Jackie started. My heart was beating faster and faster. "We all love Brian here and if you love Brian like what you said, you'll leave him alone." Jackie said. Oh. My. God. They want me to break up with Brian. I can't answer. I was trying to process everything.

"We accept Brian's sexuality and we aren't against it. It's just that if this gets out, it will definitely ruin his career and name. We don't want that to happen especially that you two are working in a very close environment. One way or another, it will come out. So, we think that this is the best solution for the problem. We love our son very much and we don't want any harm to him." Harold explained further. Actually, it makes sense.

"I see your point." I said to them as tears began to start cascading down my cheeks. I have never thought about it and it makes sense. The fans love them because they're straight and being gay is like a crime written in their books. It would really ruin them and I think that I can't handle that. "I'll talk to him later." I said to them with a weak smile and walked away.

Is this the right thing to do? It's the same question that was running in my mind for the past 2 hours. I was still lying on Brian's bed trying to think about it. I have packed my luggage and has set a flight out of Lexington.

It's just a decision between two things. One, stay with Brian and wait until this comes out to public where the media will scrutinize them more and the religious group bashing them. And let's not forget those Brian's wife wannabes who would be totally heartbroken that they could hate them and that's the end of Backstreet Boys, Brian's life. 

Or two, break up with Brian and try to live life to the fullest that is possible in my state without Brian but knowing the fact that Brian won't be harmed by any force. True that he would be heartbroken and everything but that could heal.

Again, is this the right thing to do? I was interrupted by the door opening and Brian entering with a big smile on his face. That's the Brian I love. Always cheerful and optimistic. But his face fell, once he saw me. "What happened babe?" Brian asked with his voice filled with worry.

"I've been thinking." I started. Do I do this or not? Like I have any choice. "I think it would be best if we part ways and just remain as friends if that's possible." I finally said it. Brian's face was covered in shock. I think he never imagined that those words would come out of my mouth.

"Why? Is there something that I did was wrong? Please don't do this." Brian pleaded with me. He was crying by then. I was crying to because this was damn hard. I guess what they say is true, best act of love is letting go... but it's one of the most painful things.

"There is a bright future ahead of you and with me clinging on you, I don't think that it's possible. I'm just your distraction, and your possible downfall." I said to him as I hugged him tightly. "I love you very much Bri and I don't wanna be the cause of any pain in the future." I said to him.

"Please don't leave me. I don't know what I'll do when you're gone." Brian said. I don't even know how I could live myself. But this is for the best.

"Bri, one day. You'll move on. Goodbye." I said giving him one final kiss and left him bawling on the bed. I picked up my bag and left. I walked down the flight of stairs finding Brian's parents waiting downstairs. "I've done what you've said." I said coldly and left the two.

The cab that I called earlier was waiting outside and I hurriedly got in and tried not to look at Brian's house. "To the airport please." I instructed the driver and we were off away from the house.

Usually, I would have chatted with the driver but I was in no mood. I was too sad to talk. Only the sound of the engine, the streets and the music from the radio. Of all the coincidences possible known to man, Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely was being played in the radio. The best song at the moment for me.

Show me the meaning of being lonely

So many words for the broken heart
It's hard to see in a crimson love
So hard to breathe
Walk with me, and maybe
Nights of light so soon become
Wild and free I could feel the sun
Your every wish will be done
They tell me...

Show me the meaning of being lonely
Is this the feeling I need to walk with
Tell me why I can't be there where you are
There's something missing in my heart

Life goes on as it never ends
Eyes of stone observe the trend
They never say forever gaze
Guilty roads to an endless love
There's no control
Are you with me now
Your every wish will be done
They tell me

Show me the meaning of being lonely
Is this the feeling I need to walk with
Tell me why I can't be there where you are
There's something missing in my heart

There's nowhere to run
I have no place to go
Surrender my heart, body and soul
How can it be you're asking me to feel
The things you never show

You are missing in my heart
Tell me why I can't be there where you are

Show me the meaning of being lonely
Is this the feeling I need to walk with
Tell me why I can't be there where you are
There's something missing in my heart

In no time, we reached the airport. I paid the fair and took my bag to the counter to get my ticket back home. Home. My home was with Brian but as what his parent's said, for love's sake, I'm homeless. I sat on one of the chairs there waiting for the PA to call my flight.

Actually, they have started calling my flight when I sat down. I guess I was waiting for the last call. I guess I was waiting for Brian to rush from the door, looking haggard and looking for what flight I was in. I was wishing that Brian would find me and look at me with his tear-stained face and tell me that we should be together and fuck the world. I was wishing that Brian would tell me that he loves me and we can make it happen.

There was none. No Brian coming from the door. No Brian looking for me. No Brian wanting me and him to be back together.

I boarded the plane with tears flowing down. I think the people around me were already freaking out but it was not my concern at the moment. I was too sad to tell them that I was okay. I wasn't okay. 

EMAIL ME!!! pseud0nym@edsamail.com.ph