Chapter 23

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"You fuckin' shit." I told him that surprised the others, even my brother. I guess swearing isn't really my thing. "Alex is my younger brother!" I screamed at him and walked away.

I don't know what came over me but I was really angry with Brian. "Fuck you Brian." I heard Nick say. I was so tempted to look back and see if there's anything going on with the 6 of them and knowing that I left Alex there with Brian. There might be a fight or something but I guess anger clouded my judgment and just walked away from them and tried to shut them off of my mind.

I have no idea where I was heading. I can't even remember the faces that I said 'hi' to when I passed them by. "Wait!" Someone shouted from behind but I kept on walking and walking until I could feel the heat of the sun touching my skin. 

Someone grabbed my shoulder forcing me to stop. "Take your hands off me if you know what's good for you." I said without looking at the person who was holding me.

"I won't." Nick said to me. I sighed and turned around to face him. "I just can't get the feeling out of my system that this is all my fault." Nick told me.

"Nick, it's not." I started to say.

"OH MY GOD! IT'S NICK CARTER!" A girl screamed from behind.

"I guess we better head inside again." I told Nick who nodded profusely and walked hastily to the stadium. I have witnessed the ordeal they go into when they're in the mob. Sometimes they have cuts and even their clothes are torn apart. I guess the fans could get really wild sometimes.

When we were out of the screaming fans outside, I continued what I was saying earlier. "Nick, it's not your fault. You didn't place those words in Brian's mouth. He made that up himself. It's his own fault." I told him.

"But if I just kept my mouth shut, Brian won't be angry with you coz of JC." Nick said dejectedly.

"Nick, sooner or later he's gonna know. There's no secret that has never been revealed. It's not your fault coz it's mine. I didn't tell him immediately and that's my mistake." I told Nick. Knowing Nick, he's not listening to me coz he has made up his mind that it's his fault. Why are these pop stars so stubborn? "I've vent up enough. Let's go back to the stage and start with sound check." I grabbed Nick and we walked to where the stage was.

When we returned there, the Boys weren't there already and Alex was sitting on the edge of the high stage. "Took you long enough." Alex grinned at me.

"I got held up by this guy." I said to him with a smile. Alex knows when to give me space and when to push into something. Like earlier, he knows that I have to flush it out of my system so he confronted me. I guess my walks have been so usual back at home then. "Um, you didn't punch him right?" I gulped as I asked Alex.

"Don't worry, I didn't hurt his pretty face." Alex said sarcastically. He punched him in the gut. "You sure have one heck of a boyfriend there." Alex told me as he rolled his eyes. I guess he doesn't really like Brian. I don't know how to answer that remark so I remained silent with it.

Now that Brian and I broke up, I was really thinking hard if I should leave the tour. We still have two more weeks left but I don't think I can be with Brian for the remaining time in this tour. And the fact that I have Alex here who needs a steady home right now just makes the decision easier for me in leaving the tour early. 

I talked with the band once again and it was like they were so careful with me but I just dismissed it coz they did saw what happened earlier. Well, it wasn't a secret here in tour coz they do have their non-disclosure agreements. After a while, the Boys regrouped by the stage and they approached me. Well, Brian was being pushed by his cousin. "I just wanna say I'm sorry." Brian mumbled when he got close to me.

I didn't answer him instead; I stared at him looking at him straight to the eye. "Is that because you want to say sorry or for the sake of saying sorry coz Kevin made you say it?" I asked him still staring at him. He didn't answer me. "So, I guess you aren't. Fine." I said averting my eyes away from him. "To your positions." I shouted at all of them.

The Boys was being 'fixed' by the other people in the tour with their mikes and headsets. The guys of the band were tuning their instruments and checking if everything was fine in their side. "What are we gonna play?" Ken asked me.

"Let's take The Call." I instructed them. This was one of the songs that I changed as well giving it more of a jazzy sound but with a little bit of rock on it. Well, the outcome was good. "1, 2, 3..." I counted.

"Hi, it's me... what's up baby?
I'm sorry, listen, I'm gonna be late tonight so don't stay up and wait for me, ok?"
"Where are you?"
"Say that again... you're really dropping out... I think my battery must be low...
Listen, if you can hear me, we're going to a place nearby alright... gotta go!"

Let me tell you the story 'bout the call that changed my destiny
Me and my boys went out just to end up in misery
Was about to go home when there she was standing in front of me
I said hi, I got a little place nearby, wanna go?
I should've said no, someone's waiting for me
But I called my girl up and said...

Listen baby I'm sorry
Just wanna tell you don't worry
I will be late, don't stay up and wait for me
Say again... you're dropping out... my battery is low
Just so you know, we're going to a place nearby
Gotta go!

Now two years gone, nothing gets won
I can't take it back, what's done is done
One of her friends found out that she wasn't my only one
And it eats me from inside that she's not by my side
Just because I made that call and lied

Listen baby I'm sorry
Just wanna tell you don't worry
I will be late, don't stay up and wait for me
Say again... you're dropping out... my battery is low
Just so you know, we're going to a place nearby
Gotta go!

Let me tell you the story 'bout the call that changed my destiny
Me and my boys went out just to end up in misery
Was about to go home when there she was standing there in front of me
I said hi, I got a little place nearby... gotta go!

Listen baby I'm sorry
Just wanna tell you don't worry
I will be late, don't stay up and wait for me
Say again... you're dropping out... my battery is low
Just so you know, we're going to a place nearby
Gotta go!

It was the same old sound check for us so nothing was interesting about it. As far as we're concern, we are so sick and tired of it and that's another reason I kept on improvising with how it's being played so we won't hear it over and over and over again. We continued with more songs until we called it a wrap. "Rest for a while guys, we'll be back at 6:00 pm for the concert." I told them and they left their instruments there and walked away.

I walked where Alex was sitting. I sat beside him to rest my mind from all that was happening around me. I need a time out. "You were great there. You have everything under control and I really like how you improvised their songs." Alex told me. I just smiled at him and I returned looking at nothing in particular. He didn't speak to me after that.

"Martin." Kevin walked to me. "Everything okay with you?" He asked me.

"I'm coping." I said to him with a weak smile.

"I'm so sorry for what Brian said. He was surely out of line." Kevin said knowing that he gave Brian one helluva scolding. But is he Brian? No. He's not the one who said those words. It was Brian who called me a slut. 

"Kev, I don't wanna start straining your relationship with Brian. I don't think my conscience can bear that I caused y'all to have a rift with each other." I said to Kevin. I think I actually fear it. The Boys still have a bright future ahead of them and they need teamwork. If this would cause animosity between them, I hate to see it end for them. 

"Marty, we always have arguments and fights. This is still minor from what we had in our past. And I think we all know that Brian was surely out of line there. Whether you two have some problems, it doesn't give him the right to say something about you." Kevin told me.

"It could be the start. I think we both know who Brian is. He can't really shut his mouth and sooner or later we would fight again and I know that you guys will be part of that and I don't like it. So I'm playing it safe. After this concert, I 'm gonna go back to my home with Alex." I finally told Kevin my plan of leaving the tour.

"You're quitting?!" Kevin asked me like he wasn't believing me.

"I am and there's nothing you can do or even the others to stop me." I said to him like I really mean it.

"You can't. You have a contract and Marty, it's just two weeks." Kevin pleaded with me. 

"You are right, it's still two weeks. I don't think I can keep up this mask of being in control for another two weeks. I am deeply hurt right now and inside, I feel so lost and distraught. And whether it's in contract or not, I'll leave. I don't care if you sue or whatever you'll do but that's final for me." I stated not budging from my decision.

"I see that you have made up your mind and there's no way that you're gonna change it." Kevin sighed. "Well, at least I tried." Kevin squeezed my shoulder as he stood up and walked away from Alex and me.

"You're really leaving?" Alex asked me.

"Yeah. I don't think I can stand seeing him for a longer time. Well, at least I get to know him and maybe when I have grandchildren, I can say that I was once a boyfriend of a Backstreet Boy." I tried to joke; emphasis on the word tried coz it was a pitiful attempt.

"Are you sure this is the right thing to do?" Alex asked me. "If I were you, I'll finish the stupid tour. Kevin is right, it's just two weeks. Stop running and start facing it." Alex told me. I didn't know when Alex became so wise. The last time I saw him, he was this guy so crazed with games and other superficial things. And look at him now, giving me a lecture in facing my problems.

"I know it's a coward thing to do but I can't stand seeing him like this. I can't let this 'mask' be with me forever, I'll be just lying to myself." I tried to argue.

"You're right, you're lying to yourself. Why don't you just show it? Show them how much you are hurt with what Brian did? Show them how much you are afraid? Show them how much you are sad with the break-up? Just don't bottle it inside of you, it will drive you crazy. And don't give me the 'I can't stand him' shit coz you did it earlier, I think you can do it again." Alex told me. I guess with an argument like that, who am I to say no.

"Well, I think that you're just convincing me to stay so that you can stay as well." I told him with a smile.

"Took you long enough." Alex giggled. "I guess I've convinced you that you're gonna stay?" Alex asked me.

"Whatever." I sighed knowing that I was really gonna stay.

The rest of the night was rather uneventful. Brian and I were keeping a distance from each other. When our eyes meet, we look at the other direction subtly. The guys were happy that I'm gonna be staying for the rest of the tour and thanked Alex for doing a good job. "If we knew that only Alex here can make you such a softie, we should have met him before." Nick chimed.

"Very funny." I told him sarcastically. "Alex and I are gonna head out to the hotel. See you tomorrow or whenever." I said dragging Alex away from the four boys.

"Hey!" Alex yelped.

"You don't wanna come with us?" Kevin asked us. I just shook my head and continued walking out of the dressing room. Brian was not yet in so I was really hurrying up to get out of the room before the inevitable happens. Once I opened the door, the person that I don't wanna see was standing at the door. We looked at each other then we broke eye contact and I continued dragging Alex away.

"That's very rude of you! I was talking to them." Alex pouted.

"Come on! You're gonna see them for two more weeks. Stop it." I told him. The two of us went to the band's room to gather some of my things. Yep, I moved in the band's room. I'm not using the Boys' room anymore.

"You're holding up good." Alex stated. I looked at him quizzically. "I mean with Brian. But you two still need to talk for some closure or something like that. If you don't, it will be like an open wound that won't heal."

"I know. I'm gonna do it but I'm just looking for the right time." I said dejectedly. "I know what your gonna say. There's no better time than right now." I said coz I used that line as well with Justin before.

"Then hurry up." Alex told me.

"Do you think I'm ready to face him one-on-one?" I threw him a question. Honestly, my mind is whacked and I still can't think straight. I don't know how to face this situation. It's easy to advise someone but when you are in the same situation, it's like your mind goes blank.

"I do." Alex said to me as he stared at me. "I can see it in your eyes. You are ready." Alex said. Someone knocked at the door, it was Irene.

"Kevin reserved a limo for you. It's outside." Irene told us that left me shocked.

"I guess he really cares for you. Come on! I haven't ridden a limo." Alex said excitedly as he dragged me to the waiting limo outside of the stadium.

The ride was fairly short because the hotel wasn't really far from the arena. In no time, we reached the hotel hoping to lay already in the bed. I was really tired this day. I guess it's not just physically but emotionally as well coz it's been so long since I really got angry. The two of us walked to our room finding a message taped at the door.

Martin,

I want to talk to you. Meet me in my room when you return.

Brian.

It was a very plain note and that made me a little depressed. I can still remember the notes he leaves for me when they have to leave to somewhere. It was always sweet and a little bit cheesy filled with 'I love you' and 'I will miss you' stuff. But that was not there in the note. I think the little hold I have in my mind that everything will turn out okay between Brian and I is slipping away. I am facing reality.

"Talk to him." Alex told me as he entered our room leaving me outside. I sighed knowing that Alex won't let me sleep tonight if I won't talk to Brian. I guess I'm forced to talk to Brian now. I used the stairs rather than the elevator, I don't need the humming sound of the elevator that would increase the queasy feeling I have inside. After a very slow walk and some pauses, I have reached the front door of Brian's room. I guess this is it.

I knocked. 

I could hear some shuffling inside and then, the door opened. Brian peeked a little and when he saw me, he opened the door wider. "Come in." He told me and walked away leaving me there. I entered the door then closing it. I could still remember these rooms, grandiose and extravagant. The room that Alex and I share isn't that magnificent than this but it's okay.

"You wanna talk?" I said trying to make my voice firm and in control. I don't want him to see that I fear this talk. I don't want him to know that I hate the idea that we are falling apart and this is killing me inside. I have to stay strong.

"Yes." Brian was sitted on the couch while I was still standing trying to find a suitable seat that I could use. Something not too close yet not too far. I settled on a chair a little bit far from where he sat. "I just wanna say sorry for what I said earlier. I thought that Alex was someone, um..." Brian trailed off not knowing what to say.

"Boyfriend?" I gave him the word. Brian didn't react. "Brian, you know for a fact that I love you. I don't go looking for someone when something goes wrong." I said to him.

"Care to explain JC?" Brian threw at me. I was kinda expecting it.

"Brian, I admit that JC and I became close when I went over to the NSYNC tour. Justin and JC just broke up and I broke up with you. We were trying to help each other cope up with our losses because we don't know what to do. I thought that I can forget about you but I couldn't. Even if how hard I tried to forget you I couldn't. My mind was trying to bury your image that belongs to my memory but my heart keeps on telling me that I love you and no one else." I was already tearing up feeling the bottled emotions that I have inside.

"Do you know how it feels to know that your boyfriend had a fling from someone else without knowing? It hurts coz I trust you. I thought that our relationship was based on love and trust but when I heard it from Nick, I began to question everything. I began to think if you are completely honest with me or do you really love me?" Brian told me. I can see that he was a little bit angered and lots of hurt.

"I know that it is my fault by not telling you because I thought that it was nothing. Nothing happened, the only thing that is intimate that happened to JC and I was a kiss that decided that there is really nothing between us, now or ever. Do you know what I thought when my lips touched JC's? My mind immediately saw the image of our first kiss. I began to miss it. I began to kick myself why I broke it off." I cried. "If you wanna hear an apology, then I am sorry. I am sorry for not telling you that JC and I tried to help each other to forget about you that didn't succeed. I am sorry that I betrayed your trust. I am sorry for making you question about our relationship. I am sorry for that we have to end this. I am sorry for everything!" I told him as I ran away from him. I guess that's the closure that Alex talked about.

I ran and ran. I just have to get away. I don't want him to see me like this. I walked the flight of stairs to the room I shared with Alex. When I was in front of it, I knocked hurriedly like there was someone that I have to get away. 

Alex opened the door and I immediately entered and closed it. Once inside, I dropped to the floor still crying. I still love him. Alex hugged me trying to sooth me. "Cry it out. Cry it all out." Alex repeatedly said to me. And that's what I did. I cried and cried trying to bring out all the bottled frustrations and sadness that I tried to keep in me. It was like a dam burst and these raging emotions were set free. The last thing I remembered was crying. Crying about Brian. Crying about a love's lost.

When I woke up, I saw Alex sitting at a chair facing me. "You okay now?" Alex asked me. Am I okay now?

"I dunno." I mumbled.

"See? I told you seeing Brian would do good." Alex told me.

"Alex, what goodness did it bring?" I asked him spitefully. I wished that I didn't go there and we didn't have that conversation. I was really drained and I felt more tired now even if I just slept.

"It did wonders." Alex said nonchalantly. "Number one, you are completely honest to him now. You have no secret relationship to whoever." I guess he was right there. "And you vent out all the sadness. It's bad to keep it all inside. You know that I only want what is best for you." Alex said as he sat beside my bed holding me.

"But it was still painful." I sighed.

"It's meant to be painful. You were not in a simple relationship. I know that what you and Brian shared was something deep. It was pure love and nothing else. If it wasn't painful for you, then something must be wrong with you." Alex said to me that made me smile a little. "You look cuter when you smile." Alex added.

"Are you hitting on me?" I joked.

"What if I am?" Alex told me raising his eyebrow. My eyes bulged out at him. "Kiddin'! You're my brother for God's sake!" Alex made some gagging noise that earned him a slap at his arm. The began to ring. Alex answered it. "Hello?" He said on the phone. "Hi Nick." It was Nick. Why would he call? "He's laying down." Alex was looking at me. I guess it was me that he was talking about. "No, he didn't. They talked earlier but I think it wasn't a good one." I can see that Alex was a little surprised. I don't know what the two were talking about but I can see that Alex was a little bit anxious already. "Have you tried his cell?" Alex asked. "We're gonna find him. Don't worry." Now, I'm the one who is worried. What on earth is wrong? "Bye." Alex placed the handset back.

"What was that all about?" I asked worriedly.

"Brian is missing." Alex stated that surprised me. Where is Brian?

EMAIL ME!!! pseud0nym@edsamail.com.ph